- 7 weeks ago
My Daughter Protects Me From the Internet | JAMIE KALER Stand-Up Comedy
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00:00It was rough, now I'm an adult, I'm happy, I'm married, I'm married, and you know what?
00:05I love being married, and I get it, a lot of comedians, they come on stage and they complain about being married, you know,
00:10or they make fun of their wives, you know, and I will be doing that in just a minute here.
00:16But I want to start out by saying how much I appreciate my wife and my marriage,
00:20and I think the reason I don't take it for granted is because my whole life, I never,
00:26I don't know, I just, I never thought it would happen for me, I never thought I'd end up getting married,
00:30100% because my last name is Beaner.
00:38And obviously you understand by how you're laughing.
00:42That's a terrible last name to have, especially growing up, oh.
00:48Picture this little Johnny Beaner out at recess.
00:52All right, there's more, but I guess if that's funny enough,
00:56I'm out there at recess, I'm just trying to play kickball, whatever, just trying to fit in,
01:04but I'm having a hard time because I got the school bully circling around me,
01:07chanting out, Johnny Beaner has a tiny, well, you know how rhymes work.
01:17Emotionally, psychologically scarred me, I never thought I'd get married,
01:20I figure who's, you know, who's going to want to marry into Beaner.
01:22Well, I'll tell you this, about 10 years ago, the stars aligned,
01:25I was out at a bar, and I met Erin Pagina.
01:32We fell in love, we got married.
01:37She actually ended up hyphenating, which is interesting.
01:42It's going good, we, uh, you're going to be okay?
01:55We've been married a while, and a lot of people say,
01:57a lot of people say, oh, you know, a lot of married couples start having kids
02:00after two, three years of marriage, at the two, three year mark,
02:02that's when a lot of couples start having kids.
02:04Okay, great.
02:07You know, my wife and I, we've talked about this, and we agree.
02:09We're not ready for kids.
02:11Not even, not even close, you know?
02:13Incidentally, we actually have two kids.
02:18We're not ready for them, but we have them.
02:21We love them, we just don't know what we're doing, you know?
02:24It's very scary.
02:27Before, before we got married, and right after we got engaged,
02:29I would tell people that we were engaged,
02:30and everyone's advice to me was the same.
02:32They'd always say, oh, you're getting married?
02:36Hey, pick your battles.
02:39Pick your battles, buddy.
02:42That's what we say to guys when they're getting married.
02:44Pick your battles.
02:44We don't say that to women.
02:45That's not fair.
02:46What do we say to women?
02:47Oh, you're getting married, huh?
02:49You're going to win.
02:54A lot.
02:54We were married, like, six months,
03:01and all of a sudden, my wife goes out of the booth.
03:03She's like, hey, I want to get a, let's get a dog.
03:05I want to get a dog.
03:06I said, no, I don't want to get a dog.
03:07Let's not do that.
03:08She's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, let's get a dog.
03:09That'd be fun.
03:10You'll love it.
03:10It's great.
03:11No, I don't want to get a dog.
03:13It's a lot of work, money.
03:13Let's not do that.
03:14She's like, yeah, come on, let's get a dog.
03:16So I said, all right, you know what?
03:17I'm just going to use one of my battles here.
03:19My wife, who clearly had never been told
03:28to pick her battles, says, what is that?
03:32What are you talking about, your battles?
03:34I said, well, you know, they always say, like,
03:36pick your battles, so I'm going to use one of mine
03:39for this, for this.
03:44She started laughing, and then we went and got a dog.
03:49We were out to eat, the whole family,
04:00me, my wife, my kids,
04:02we were out to eat at this restaurant,
04:04and a waitress came around to check on us.
04:06She's like, you guys doing okay?
04:07Anyone need anything?
04:09I said, yeah, oh, yeah, can I get a refill of my Coke?
04:11And then my wife goes, oh, no, no, no, no, he's good.
04:13He's had plenty, he's fine.
04:15And the waitress goes, okay, and left.
04:19I'm sitting at the table, I'm like,
04:23uh, what just happened?
04:28I want another Coke.
04:31I just told her I want another Coke.
04:34And then this other person,
04:37that's not me,
04:39said I don't need another Coke.
04:43Now I don't think I'm getting another Coke.
04:50Is this one of my battles?
04:51Is this, do I use a battle for this?
04:54Is this, is that what they were talking about?
04:57No, it's a Coke.
04:58Let it go, Johnny.
05:00Save them.
05:01You don't know how many battles you get.
05:02And then my wife gets mad at me
05:06because she looks at me
05:07and she doesn't think I'm listening to her,
05:09you know, because I'm just sitting
05:09at the end of the table
05:10playing through the different scenarios in my head.
05:12I'm like,
05:13she's like, what are you doing?
05:16Where's your head?
05:17What are you doing?
05:18I'm like, what am I doing?
05:19I'll tell you what I'm doing.
05:20I'm daydreaming.
05:21Me flipping the table and saying,
05:22where's my Coke?
05:23I ordered a Coke.
05:26I want my Coke.
05:35And then all the women in the restaurant
05:36would probably be like,
05:37oh my goodness, did you see that man?
05:39What an animal.
05:40He totally overreacted.
05:44And then all the guys would be like,
05:45eh, did he?
05:49Looks to me like someone just lost a battle.
05:53Me and my wife have been together
06:00for 20 years, yo.
06:0520 years.
06:08And we've been together so long
06:09we don't even argue no more.
06:11When she gets mad at me,
06:12she do real, real subtle stuff.
06:15She pick out my clothes.
06:19Last week she picked out
06:19one of them real tight muscle shirts
06:21for me to wear.
06:23I ain't got no muscles, y'all.
06:27I was on stage
06:28looking like a real strong Ethiopian.
06:35Y'all may not know this,
06:36but your black family,
06:37we like to put lotion on
06:38before we leave the house.
06:40She gonna give me this lotion.
06:41It smelled good.
06:42It smelled great.
06:44It had glitter in it.
06:45I'm on stage
06:49looking like a little black disco ball.
06:53Gay dudes trying to holler at me
06:55after the show.
06:57You was up there shining.
06:58You definitely gonna be
07:04a superstar, bro.
07:06Twinkle, twinkle, superstar.
07:0820 years, y'all.
07:14I know a little bit about relationships.
07:16Any single ladies in here?
07:18Any single ladies?
07:21You hear that, fellas?
07:22You hear that?
07:23Huh?
07:24Don't be fooled by that, man.
07:26Do your research
07:27before you fall in love.
07:30Go meet their mamas.
07:32I'm serious.
07:33If their mama
07:34look like a grizzly bear,
07:36I don't care how cute
07:40Ursuline is to you,
07:42she is a grizzly cub.
07:49Everything is cute
07:51when it's little.
07:57You complain about
07:58she too big.
07:59No, she not.
08:00She's the perfect size
08:01for a grizzly bear her age.
08:04My friend was dating
08:05a big girl.
08:06Knew she had a weight problem
08:07because she was following
08:08McDonald's on Twitter.
08:12Her phone kept going off.
08:13Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.
08:17See, I'm learning
08:19in relationships.
08:19Fellas, we don't,
08:20we don't give
08:22like they give.
08:23We just,
08:24we just let stuff go.
08:26You gotta communicate.
08:27That's where the breakdown is.
08:28I'm gonna give you
08:29some examples, man.
08:30If,
08:30if your woman is mad,
08:33you have two choices.
08:35Let her be mad
08:36or let her be mad.
08:42I just saved
08:43some of y'all right now.
08:43I just saved you.
08:44My wife don't even do social media.
08:51She don't even do it.
08:52Although she do participate
08:53in throwback Thursdays.
08:55Remember,
08:56she bring up something
08:56I did in the past.
08:57and I get to the next week
09:07to defend myself.
09:11No, having a wife
09:12is a blessing, y'all.
09:13It really is.
09:14If,
09:14if you lucky
09:15and you blessed
09:16to have a beautiful lady
09:17by your side,
09:18take a second right now.
09:19Take a look at her.
09:20Look at her.
09:20You blessed.
09:22You are blessed.
09:23Did you know
09:25she gonna live longer
09:26than you?
09:26Did you know that?
09:28They live longer than us, man.
09:30Don't nobody know why.
09:32I don't know why,
09:33but I know what I'm gonna do.
09:36I'm gonna do
09:36whatever she does.
09:38If she use oil of Olay,
09:40I'm using oil of Olay.
09:44She eats Special K,
09:45I'm eating Special K.
09:47I'm not gonna die
09:48and she live a good life
09:49after me.
09:50Not on my watch.
09:53Me and my wife
09:56got into a little disagreement,
09:58found out she went
09:58to the grocery store
09:59and she brought
10:00some vitamins.
10:02Oh, we taking vitamins now?
10:06So I took some
10:07of the vitamins
10:08and I let her know,
10:09hey, you know what?
10:10Kind of disappointed.
10:12I found your stash.
10:15She was like,
10:15what is you talking about?
10:17I said, the vitamins,
10:18I found them.
10:18I'm hurt.
10:20I don't even know
10:21who you are no more.
10:23She said,
10:25Ron, those ain't vitamins.
10:27Those are birth control.
10:37Fellas,
10:38you ever do something
10:38so stupid
10:39that you don't have
10:42an answer,
10:44but as a man,
10:46you have to reply?
10:48All I can say is,
10:50well, I don't want
10:51no more kids either.
10:52We're gonna take
10:53these together
10:53because we're a family
10:55and that's what
10:56we gonna do.
11:00And I'm glad
11:00so many women
11:01are here tonight.
11:02I could,
11:03if I could,
11:03I would like to speak
11:04first to the women.
11:05I can only speak
11:07as a man.
11:10It is the handicap
11:12I was born with.
11:16But I say this
11:17to the women
11:17and I say it
11:18in the spirit
11:18of harmony
11:19and love
11:20and respect
11:20and all good things
11:21and I think I speak
11:22for some men
11:23in the world
11:24when I say to you,
11:24honest to goodness,
11:25we've tried.
11:31Fellas,
11:31haven't we tried?
11:32Have we tried?
11:33Have we tried?
11:34My goodness, yes.
11:36We have tried
11:37to understand you
11:38as best we can
11:40with our tiny
11:40underdeveloped
11:41little brains.
11:45But every time
11:46in my life
11:47that I thought
11:47maybe I understood
11:48one tiny little
11:49bitty truth
11:50about you women,
11:51I think you
11:52call a meeting,
11:52you take a vote,
11:53you change the rule.
11:56You don't tell
11:57the man in your life
11:57because that would
11:58take the sport
11:58right out of it.
12:01You leave it up to him
12:02to figure it out
12:02for himself
12:03individually
12:03if he can.
12:04Sometimes he does,
12:05more often he does not.
12:06The game goes on.
12:08I only know two things
12:09about men and women
12:10that are always true.
12:11My whole dumb life
12:11there's only two things
12:12that have always
12:13been there for me.
12:14Always constant.
12:15Number one,
12:16I'm a man.
12:17Number two,
12:19I'm sorry.
12:23You see the married men
12:24going,
12:24hey, that's my life,
12:25brother.
12:25I'll tell you that
12:26right now.
12:27Because I have bad news
12:28for the men of America,
12:29the battle of the sexes.
12:30I'm very sorry.
12:31It's over.
12:34We lost.
12:36Look at the women.
12:37They're going,
12:37one of them
12:38finally gets it.
12:40Now we're going to
12:40have to call a meeting.
12:47Now we're having some fun,
12:48but if anybody
12:49honestly believes
12:50it's a man's world,
12:50good for you.
12:52How many of you
12:53are married?
12:53Applaud if you're married
12:54if you don't mind.
12:55Applaud if you're married.
12:56A lot of you are.
12:58Applaud if you're single.
13:00Single people
13:00make some noise.
13:01Okay.
13:02I don't know why
13:03single people
13:04are always a little
13:04more enthusiastic
13:05about that.
13:05I don't know why
13:06that is.
13:06They yell and scream
13:07hot dog.
13:08Who's engaged?
13:09Who's engaged?
13:09I know somebody's engaged.
13:11Who's going to be in?
13:12Is that right?
13:12You guys,
13:13you guys going to happen,
13:14going to happen
13:14right over there?
13:15When's it going to happen?
13:17October 27th.
13:20Oh,
13:20four weeks.
13:22Five weeks.
13:23Yeah.
13:23Congratulations.
13:24What's your first name?
13:25Tyler.
13:26Tyler and
13:27Alyssa.
13:27Tyler and Alyssa.
13:28Do you wish
13:29Tyler and Alyssa
13:30well?
13:30Do you wish them well?
13:32All the more power to you.
13:35Alyssa,
13:35how many bridesmaids
13:36will you have?
13:37Four.
13:37Four bridesmaids.
13:38Good for you.
13:39150 guests.
13:40200,
13:40something like that.
13:41Yeah,
13:42good for you.
13:42Good for you.
13:43Happy for you.
13:44I will tell you this.
13:45If anybody honestly
13:46believes it's a man's world,
13:48cling to those beliefs,
13:49but you do owe it to yourself
13:50to have a wedding.
13:52On the wedding day,
13:53that's when Tyler
13:54is going to find out
13:55what a very tiny piece
13:56of that day's puzzle he is.
13:58And I just want to save you
14:00from making a normal
14:01groom mistake,
14:01because so many grooms
14:02go into their wedding day
14:03thinking,
14:03wow,
14:04look at all this stuff,
14:06this beautiful hall,
14:07this beautiful church.
14:08I'm half of the happy
14:10couple today.
14:11must be a little bit
14:12about me.
14:14No.
14:18Not your day,
14:19Tyler.
14:20Alyssa's day.
14:21Not your day.
14:23She doesn't even
14:24really want you there.
14:30She may love you,
14:31but she would get married
14:31without you if she could.
14:35If she could have
14:36that beautiful ceremony
14:36and just leave you
14:37at home on the lazy boy,
14:38she would do it every time.
14:39Because we're men, Tyler,
14:41and that means to our wives
14:43we are an accident
14:44waiting to happen.
14:45You are not going
14:46to get to make
14:47any big decisions
14:48about the day.
14:49Colors, fabrics,
14:49flowers, nothing.
14:50She'd like to let you,
14:51but you're too stupid.
14:56And I have no problem
14:57with that.
14:58I think the average woman
14:59probably does have
14:59a better sense
15:00of the artistic
15:00than the average man,
15:01don't you think?
15:02I got married,
15:03I found out my wife,
15:03Sarah,
15:04wanted us to have
15:04checks for the checkbook
15:05that were,
15:06get this,
15:06pretty.
15:09I'm a man,
15:10I just wanted checks
15:10that would clear.
15:15Sarah told me
15:16we were going to
15:16divide the checkbook,
15:17turns out I got
15:18the deposit slips.
15:25It's her day, Tyler,
15:26it's not your day.
15:27Now don't give up,
15:28Hope,
15:28when it comes to the marriage
15:29you might do fine,
15:31you might do great,
15:32but not on the wedding day,
15:33her day,
15:34not your day.
15:35Understand it,
15:36know it going in,
15:37all will go better
15:38for you, my son.
15:40Everything will be
15:41about Alyssa,
15:42her dress,
15:43her gown,
15:44thousands of dollars,
15:45gorgeous,
15:45beautiful thing,
15:47absolutely unbelievable,
15:49thousands of dollars
15:49spent on this thing,
15:50five separate fittings
15:51after the ceremony,
15:53Alyssa's dress
15:53will be carefully
15:54clean pressed,
15:55folded, sealed,
15:56wrapped in plastic,
15:58saved and preserved.
15:59as an altar
16:01and shrine
16:02for life.
16:07Tyler's clothing
16:08will be rented
16:09and must be back
16:16to the shop on Monday
16:18because another man
16:20needs it next weekend.
16:26Don't let it bother you,
16:28Tyler,
16:28that 500 other men
16:29got married
16:30in your suit.
16:32You're still special.
16:3850 years from now,
16:39Alyssa,
16:39if she wants to,
16:40could hold up
16:40that beautiful wedding gown
16:41with a tear in her eye
16:43and say,
16:43I got married in that.
16:45If Tyler can do that,
16:46he'll be holding underwear.
16:47That's the only thing
16:53you own that day
16:54that you could keep.
16:57So I say,
16:58make it special,
16:58Tyler.
17:00After the ceremony,
17:01don't forget,
17:02take the underwear home,
17:04put it up on the wall
17:06in a glass case.
17:0730 years from now,
17:11give it to your son
17:12to get married in.
17:20We've been married
17:21for four years now.
17:22We had a beautiful wedding.
17:23We did this Japanese tradition
17:25at our wedding
17:26where as a couple,
17:27you fold 1,000 paper cranes.
17:29And then,
17:30if you're able to finish
17:30by your wedding day,
17:31you're supposed to have
17:32good luck
17:32throughout your marriage.
17:33We did an Americanized version
17:35of the Japanese tradition
17:36where the man folds
17:37995 paper cranes.
17:42And then the woman folds
17:43five unrecognizable
17:44paper cranes.
17:46And then for the rest
17:47of our lives,
17:47we're just going to tell
17:48everyone that we
17:49folded 1,000 paper cranes.
17:52I hope that the luck,
17:53the amount of luck
17:54that we have in our marriage
17:55is proportionate
17:56to the amount of cranes
17:57that we folded
17:57for that afternoon.
18:00I don't know why
18:00the ceiling's only leaking
18:01on your half of the bed.
18:02Maybe you should have
18:03folded more cranes.
18:08My wife and I
18:08are late to everything.
18:10It's a big problem
18:10in our relationship.
18:12Set a point now
18:13where if we have to be
18:14somewhere at 6,
18:15she tells me
18:15we have to be there
18:16at 5.30
18:16in order to trick us
18:17into being on time.
18:19And it never works.
18:20And the reason why
18:21it never works
18:22is because
18:22I'm not the problem.
18:24That's why it doesn't work.
18:27All tricking me does
18:28is make me mad
18:29for an extra half hour
18:30every time we're running late
18:32for something.
18:33We were running late
18:34for the movies.
18:35I went to check on my wife
18:36and she was painting
18:36her fingernails.
18:38And my initial response
18:38is anger
18:39because it's dark
18:39in a movie theater.
18:41No one's even going
18:41to know what you've done.
18:42We could paint your face
18:43before we head out tonight
18:44and no one would know.
18:46But I don't say anything
18:47because it's my wife.
18:48It's the woman
18:49that I picked
18:49of all the women
18:50on the planet
18:51to spend my life with.
18:52And I'm a little concerned
18:57at how few of you
18:58laughed at that.
18:59That was meant to be a joke.
19:01That's a ridiculous thing
19:02to say.
19:04Picked out of all
19:05the women on the planet?
19:07Most of the women
19:08didn't even have a chance
19:09to interview
19:09for the position.
19:12I picked her
19:12out of a different group.
19:13I picked her
19:14out of the women
19:15that live near me
19:15and would say yes
19:17if I asked them
19:18to marry me.
19:20It's a much smaller group.
19:23It still means
19:24something to me.
19:25You know,
19:25I love my wife
19:25so when I see her
19:26painting her fingernails
19:27I keep my mouth shut.
19:28I just accept
19:28this is the life
19:29that I've chosen
19:30for myself.
19:31I live a life
19:32where I never know
19:33what's coming soon
19:33to a theater near me.
19:39And then I looked
19:40to see what color
19:41she was painting
19:41her fingernails
19:42and she was painting
19:43them clear.
19:46And then my brain
19:47exploded.
19:48Are you even
19:51doing anything?
19:53Because it looks like
19:54you're pretending
19:54to paint your fingernails.
19:57If you need me
19:57I'll be in the front yard
19:58mowing it with
19:59a bubble maker.
20:04You let me know
20:05when you're ready.
20:05I got so many bubbles
20:06to pop out here.
20:10She told me
20:11she painted some clear
20:12because it makes
20:12her fingernails shiny
20:13and she likes them
20:14to be shiny.
20:15And I support her
20:15in that decision.
20:16I want them
20:18to be shiny too.
20:19I just feel like
20:20we could have achieved
20:20the same results
20:21by ordering popcorn
20:23at the movie theater.
20:26One large popcorn
20:28extra butter
20:28no napkins
20:29we got a look
20:30we're going for.
20:30she's late to everything.
20:36One time
20:36my wife was late
20:37to watch Netflix
20:39in our own home.
20:41And that should be
20:42impossible
20:42because Netflix
20:43starts whenever you want.
20:45We picked out a movie
20:46and then she goes
20:48don't start it yet
20:49I have to go to the bathroom.
20:50And then about
20:51a half hour later
20:52I'm just sitting there
20:53by myself
20:53wondering what's
20:55happened to my wife.
20:57I go looking for her.
20:59I found her in the shower.
21:01And I said
21:01why would you take a shower
21:02when you know
21:03I'm waiting in the other room
21:04by myself
21:05staring at a blank screen
21:07like a moron.
21:09And she said
21:10I'm not taking a shower
21:11I'm rinsing off.
21:12And that's how my wife
21:16beats me in arguments.
21:17She just
21:18denies that she's doing
21:20the thing I said
21:20I was mad about
21:21and I don't know
21:22how to fight back
21:23against that.
21:25I'm not smart enough.
21:27I have 37 years
21:29of life experience
21:29leading me to believe
21:30that what I'm seeing
21:31right now
21:32is called a shower.
21:33You just told me
21:34that it wasn't
21:34I don't know
21:35where we go from here.
21:37You're in a shower
21:38you're naked
21:39there's water
21:39how is this not a shower?
21:42If you were rinsing off
21:43you'd be in a colander
21:44I'm gonna be holding you
21:44under the sink
21:45just like a bunch of grapes
21:47trying to get the pesticides up.
21:51That's how she always wins.
21:53We were on a road trip
21:54one time
21:54and she fell asleep
21:55and I said
21:56honey you gotta wake up
21:57I'm sleepy too
21:58I want you to talk to me.
22:00And she said
22:00I'm not asleep
22:01I'm resting my eyes.
22:04Alright
22:05are you also
22:06airing out your throat?
22:10Like
22:10why has your mouth
22:12been open
22:12for the last 15 miles?
22:16You should start chewing
22:17because you have
22:18three gummy bears
22:19in your mouth
22:19that you don't even know about.
22:22That's how I've been
22:23staying awake
22:24I'm over here
22:24shooting threes
22:25with the yellow gummy bears
22:26just trying to stay alert.
22:29I would have kept going
22:30but I'm only giving you
22:30the gross flavors.
22:33You think you're gonna get
22:33a red one?
22:34You're not even awake?
22:35You're out of your mind.
22:35Sometimes people ask me
22:43what my wife thinks
22:44about being in so many
22:45of my jokes
22:46and maybe this will
22:46explain it to you.
22:47I did some of those jokes
22:49on Conan
22:49about her being late
22:50to things
22:51and hundreds of thousands
22:52of people watched it
22:53on the internet
22:53and liked the video
22:54and wrote comments
22:55about how funny it was
22:56and how they have someone
22:57in their life
22:58that's the same way
22:58other people
22:59wrote comments
23:00about how I look like
23:01fat versions of celebrities
23:02but those aren't the ones
23:03that I want to focus on.
23:10My wife was running late
23:12for something
23:13and I brought up
23:13this video to her
23:14as evidence.
23:14I said hundreds
23:15of thousands of people
23:16have laughed at this video
23:17almost as if in agreement
23:18with my point of view
23:19that it's crazy
23:20that you're late
23:21to everything.
23:21Does that make you want
23:22to change your lifestyle
23:23just a little bit?
23:24And she looked at me
23:25and she said
23:25me being late
23:26is our number one
23:27source of income
23:28right now.
23:29It's a freaky world, man.
23:40I've had a crazy life.
23:42I got married at 17.
23:43I got married so young
23:44my children are now
23:45older than me.
23:48Got married in the church
23:49because I was raised Catholic.
23:51That is a tough religion.
23:52Soon as you're born
23:53they charge you
23:53with the crime
23:54of original sin.
23:56That's why they
23:57baptize the baby.
23:58It's like he's a criminal.
23:59I didn't think
24:00it was fair.
24:01My folks did not
24:02plan on having me.
24:03The most I should
24:03have been charged with
24:04is leaving the scene
24:05of an accident.
24:16It's a freaky world, man.
24:22Stayed married
24:23for quite a while
24:2418 years
24:25you know
24:25and it was a friendly divorce
24:27easy divorce
24:27because we had nothing
24:28and she got it all.
24:32But I wanted to get married
24:33again right away
24:34because I didn't like
24:34being single, you know.
24:35I like having a wife
24:37but the problem is
24:38I live in Hollywood
24:39and there's so many
24:40freaky women.
24:43A lot of them
24:43are just one date women.
24:45You don't want to go
24:46on a second date
24:46with them.
24:48I tried internet dating
24:49and this woman
24:49emailed me her picture
24:50the beautiful
24:51Susie Soto.
24:52She showed up
24:53Quasimodo.
24:55I met another one
25:01she said she was a cougar.
25:02We went dancing
25:03as the night wore on
25:05more and more
25:05of her makeup wore off
25:07and I realized
25:08she was less a cougar
25:09more a saber-toothed tiger.
25:10Went out with a gold digger.
25:18She jumps into my car
25:19and says
25:20I want you to buy me
25:21an evening dress
25:23for our date tonight.
25:24I said no problem
25:26I got a Groupon
25:26at Walmart.
25:27Let's go.
25:30I'm a big spender.
25:33Finally found
25:34a wonderful woman.
25:37Having a great time
25:38and we both said
25:39you know
25:39a lot of people say
25:40that you have to
25:41work at your marriage
25:42but no we say
25:43you know
25:43you have to have
25:44fun at your marriage.
25:45Is anyone having
25:46fun at their marriage?
25:48Yeah.
25:49Have fun.
25:49Don't let the little
25:50stuff bother you.
25:51Like if my lady
25:53doesn't shave her legs
25:54for a while
25:55I don't get upset
25:56I just say baby
25:56bring those sexy legs
25:57put them on that chair
25:58so I can scratch my back
25:59okay.
26:02There you go.
26:03Gotta have fun
26:04at your marriage.
26:06Yeah you know
26:07she gets on my nerves
26:08once in a while
26:09but I know
26:09it's out of love.
26:10She says
26:10you need
26:11you need to obey
26:12the traffic signs
26:13when you drive
26:13obey the traffic signs
26:15so one day
26:16I thunked her
26:16on the skull
26:17why did you do that?
26:18Sign said bump ahead.
26:28She's beautiful
26:29but a little conceited.
26:31A lot of pretty ladies
26:32here tonight
26:32don't be conceited.
26:34I told her
26:35you know
26:35you look good now
26:36but what are you
26:36going to look like
26:37when you get older?
26:38What do they tell us
26:39to do if we want to know?
26:41Look at the mom.
26:42So I went
26:43and looked at her mom
26:44and it gave me hope.
26:45I hope she was adopted.
26:53Oh man.
26:57Yeah we love each other
26:59but you know
26:59we jab each other
27:00now and then
27:01to keep it fun.
27:02she tells me
27:03Larry
27:03you need to learn
27:05some new kissing techniques.
27:07So I learned
27:08a new technique
27:08and she got suspicious
27:09where'd you learn that?
27:12And I told her
27:13animal planet.
27:19The orangutan's ugly
27:20but has some great lips.
27:21And ladies
27:29they always tell you
27:30the way to a man's heart
27:31is through his stomach.
27:32No, no, no, no.
27:33The way to a man's heart
27:34is to be mysterious.
27:36And what's the best way
27:37to be mysterious?
27:39Don't talk.
27:46Next time you do
27:46girls' night out
27:47because you love
27:48girls' night out, right?
27:48And you come home
27:51to your man
27:52he's going to say
27:52hey sweetheart
27:53how did it go?
27:54Don't say a word.
27:56Just give him
27:56a mysterious look
27:57like
27:58he'll get so excited
28:02he'll wrap you
28:02in his arms
28:03and start kissing you
28:04like he's been
28:04watching Animal Planet.
28:08And when he stops
28:09to take a breath
28:09I want you ladies
28:10to scream out
28:11thank you Larry!
28:12Larry!
28:12Larry!
28:12Larry!
28:13Larry!
28:13Larry!
28:18Yeah, we get along great
28:20marriage should be fun.
28:22She jabs me
28:23every now and then
28:24I jab her back
28:25a little bit
28:26we're having fun.
28:26She says Larry
28:27you need to be
28:28more romantic
28:29like George Clooney
28:30when he's romantic
28:31he says beautiful things
28:32like oh your eyes
28:33sparkle like diamonds
28:35oh your hair
28:36is so soft
28:37and your skin
28:38is like silk.
28:39I said okay
28:40I'll try tonight
28:40I'll try tonight.
28:42So I hurried home
28:42from work
28:43and I put on
28:43my favorite cologne
28:44Night of the Iguana.
28:45And then when she
28:49walked in
28:49I grabbed her
28:50into my arms
28:51I kissed her
28:51I said oh
28:52your lips are delicious
28:53they taste like
28:54Dunkin' Donuts
28:55your eyes sparkle
28:59like ginger ale
29:00oh yes
29:02and your hair
29:03is so soft
29:03it feels like
29:04the belly
29:04of a Rottweiler
29:05you gotta have
29:08fun at your marriage
29:09finally let me
29:13leave you with this
29:14I read a study
29:15about marriage
29:16and it said
29:16if you're married
29:17to the same person
29:18for 40 years
29:19or longer
29:20you develop
29:20a spiritual connection
29:22with that person
29:22a spiritual connection
29:24so that if the wife
29:25dies first
29:25the husband will die
29:26within two weeks
29:27because he cannot
29:28stand life without her
29:29and if the husband
29:30dies first
29:31within one week
29:32the wife goes
29:33on a cruise.
29:35Thank you very much
29:36I'm Larry Omaha
29:36thank you
29:38thank you
29:39thank you
29:39thank you guys
29:44appreciate it
29:45thank you
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