- 6 months ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
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00:01:08But we live in a permissive society.
00:01:10Not on this street we don't.
00:01:12Everybody's at it.
00:01:14Not with me they're not.
00:01:16Girls are supposed to be crying out for it.
00:01:18Not this one.
00:01:20I'm the silent majority.
00:01:22It's only manners these days.
00:01:24Total strangers do it now instead of shaking hands.
00:01:26God is Lord.
00:01:29Jesus.
00:01:31Jesus.
00:01:32Was
00:01:56We've never seen him in real life though.
00:01:58Oh, he's picturing the papers.
00:02:01Oh, come on, Sandra, let's go.
00:02:03No, I don't want to.
00:02:04Oh, I'm standing out here. It's stupid.
00:02:06But he might come in a minute.
00:02:08Somebody waited ages yesterday and he never turned up there.
00:02:10But that was yesterday. He might be here today.
00:02:12Oh, that little birdie dust standing here.
00:02:14Come on.
00:02:14Come on, you're supposed to be going shopping.
00:02:16Oh, wait.
00:02:17Oh, please, let's go.
00:02:22Oh, no.
00:02:23I told you so, didn't I?
00:02:25I feel a right twit now.
00:02:26I don't fancy yours.
00:02:30Which is mine?
00:02:32Any except the blonde.
00:02:34Oh, good.
00:02:36Who are being stared at?
00:02:38Where?
00:02:41Don't fancy yours.
00:02:45Which is mine?
00:02:47Any.
00:02:48Except the blonde or the one with the yellow legs.
00:02:52Thanks.
00:02:54Neither do I.
00:02:54Fancy the one with the twitch.
00:03:00About as much as Mountsy-Tung's granddad, with all due respect.
00:03:04To his granddad.
00:03:06Ask him if they do a turn.
00:03:08You.
00:03:09I thought we were giving sex up.
00:03:11There's a protest at never getting any.
00:03:14Ignore them.
00:03:14Hi.
00:03:15Hi.
00:03:22Hi.
00:03:24Hi.
00:03:26Hi.
00:03:27Hi.
00:03:30Hi.
00:03:33Peace, ma'am.
00:03:34Were you, er, hoping to see Georgie Best?
00:03:37He's in Majorca.
00:03:38Come on, then.
00:03:41We only get an hour for lunch.
00:03:44It's a discotheque in Albert Square.
00:03:52Come on.
00:03:54I thought we were going for tights.
00:03:56Shall I tell you something pretty mind-blowing about Majorca?
00:04:11It's one place I've never been.
00:04:15Pardon?
00:04:17I'm, er, Geoffrey.
00:04:18I don't happen to be attached.
00:04:22I'm Beryl.
00:04:23I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:25Don't you worry
00:04:43Love and rainy weather may sound funny
00:04:49But they go together fine
00:04:52Every single time
00:04:58Love and rainy weather
00:05:01First you're up there
00:05:04On another plane
00:05:06And then you're nowhere
00:05:08And the tears are raining down
00:05:13It's a run around
00:05:18Love and rainy weather
00:05:23Sure can get you down
00:05:28Now, going twisting tonight, then?
00:05:38That's the modern name for it, isn't it?
00:05:40For what?
00:05:41Cutting a rug
00:05:42Pardon?
00:05:44Grooving, Mildred
00:05:46It's called grooving nowadays
00:05:48Grooving and or freaking
00:05:50Right?
00:05:50Right
00:05:51What I'm not doing tonight
00:05:52Right
00:05:53Right on
00:05:55You're staying in tonight, then?
00:05:57Tonight
00:05:58Tomorrow night
00:05:59Every night
00:06:00They might sell me overcoat
00:06:03Life's not all pleasure, you know
00:06:05Really?
00:06:06Mildred, don't hassle the lad
00:06:08Asshole
00:06:09It's a different world today, Mildred
00:06:13We had a week's honeymoon in Blackpool
00:06:16For what this finny haddy cost
00:06:17They do their own thing
00:06:19The usual 1,300 weight
00:06:22Yes, please
00:06:22Now, that's the new world that we work for
00:06:26And fought for
00:06:28Full-page advert for contraception
00:06:31It's his birthright
00:06:32I'm not hungry
00:06:36What's that supposed to mean?
00:06:39It's the hip way cool people say
00:06:41I'm not hungry
00:06:42I enjoy staying in Chattinger the evening
00:07:02I find it fantastically enjoyable
00:07:05No, really
00:07:07I really do
00:07:08Some people don't
00:07:10I do
00:07:13Beryl, please take my word for it
00:07:16Paul McCartney's never going to ring that doorbell
00:07:18And invite you to the pictures
00:07:19Paul McCartney who?
00:07:21He doesn't know you've been faithful to him
00:07:22Ever since our day's night
00:07:24And please don't say Paul McCartney who
00:07:26I sacrifice too much for your six-o levels
00:07:29Five
00:07:30You were terrific in the pictures
00:07:33I never touched you
00:07:35Terrific self-control
00:07:37What did you say your name was?
00:07:43Mind you, just a weekend I do with you, Paul
00:08:05Not a dirty weekend
00:08:07A disgusting one
00:08:10Night-night, Percy Filth
00:08:16Have you always been insatiable?
00:08:26It's not my fault
00:08:29It's just that I don't like blondes
00:08:32It's psychosomatic
00:08:37I'm sorry
00:08:41Ah
00:08:46Oh, Sandra
00:09:04It is almost blonde in this light
00:09:07What's wrong?
00:09:13Just being brave
00:09:15What about?
00:09:17Ending it all
00:09:18Before we hurt each other too much
00:09:22It's our first date
00:09:24I've probably wasted your entire evening, haven't I?
00:09:31Not yet
00:09:32Not if your parents aren't back till midnight
00:09:34Don't you think you're too old for this sort of thing?
00:09:41Straight from Stanley Matthews to Bridget Bardot you went
00:09:44Overnight
00:09:45That was when you were too young for this sort of thing
00:09:48It's artistic, Mother
00:09:50Like your Tutankhamen butter dish
00:09:53What?
00:10:04Got it
00:10:04Got what?
00:10:06You now ask if I never want to see you again
00:10:09I say I do
00:10:10You then stop crying quick as a flash
00:10:13And say something like
00:10:14How about Sunday, half seven, outside Central Library?
00:10:17No, I don't
00:10:19Tomorrow, half seven, outside Central Library
00:10:21Then when I say okay, does your zip miraculously undo?
00:10:27It does not
00:10:27I thought it did
00:10:30Not till you've unfastened the press stud
00:10:33I can see her doing your ironing
00:10:37And cooking
00:10:38And cleaning
00:10:39You wouldn't need to book for the Christmas pantomime
00:10:41I don't intend to marry her, Mother
00:10:43In case it interferes with my career
00:10:45We're just good friends
00:10:47Good night
00:10:49Miss Bardot
00:11:03Marry me
00:11:06You know what they say
00:11:10Once you've had a Manchester lad
00:11:13You never touch anything else
00:11:14Marry me
00:11:16Marry me
00:11:18Marry me
00:11:20Marry me
00:11:22Marry me
00:11:24Marry me
00:11:26Marry me
00:11:28Marry me
00:11:30About time and all
00:11:31Hi
00:11:31Hi
00:11:31Hi
00:11:32Peace, man
00:11:33Did you have a good time last night?
00:11:37Great
00:11:37Is it you?
00:11:39Satisfied
00:11:40I stayed in for a change
00:11:42Did you get much?
00:11:47Did you?
00:11:51Did you know that raping Princess Anne was a capital offence?
00:11:55Not that I have, though
00:11:56I stayed in for a change instead
00:11:59Ticket. I ain't got my ticket.
00:12:20We're late already.
00:12:23See you behind the goal then.
00:12:29Well, tonight's beauty sleep's done nothing for her, snooty old bag.
00:12:50Trendy. Crimson shoes with bottle green socks. Must be going steady with a set of traffic lights.
00:12:58Still, who else would have him?
00:13:00Anyway, they're all the same in the dark, rumour has it.
00:13:11Different girl every night. You can tell the type.
00:13:15Probably an omen seeing her before the match. I bet we lose 3-1.
00:13:21Well, I'm certainly not making the first move. At least I've got me proud.
00:13:26Oh, hello.
00:13:28Oh, hi.
00:13:29Hi.
00:13:30Didn't see you.
00:13:31No, Normie.
00:13:32Are you going that way?
00:13:33Yeah.
00:13:34Not especially, no.
00:13:35You going that?
00:13:36Yeah.
00:13:37Well, no.
00:13:38I was sort of...
00:13:39Going to the football match?
00:13:40Are you?
00:13:41Shopping.
00:13:42I'm probably going to the pictures tonight.
00:13:43I am.
00:13:44Which?
00:13:45Which are you?
00:13:46Any.
00:13:47I am.
00:13:48See you then.
00:13:49Tonight?
00:13:50Pardon?
00:13:51Oh, I...
00:13:52All right, then.
00:13:53Right.
00:13:54Right.
00:13:55Super socks.
00:13:56Super socks.
00:14:02Good.
00:14:03What are you doing now?
00:14:04Were you at this tonight?
00:14:05Yes.
00:14:06I am.
00:14:07Which?
00:14:08Which are you?
00:14:09Any.
00:14:10I am.
00:14:11See you then.
00:14:12Tonight?
00:14:13Pardon?
00:14:14Oh, I...
00:14:15All right, then.
00:14:16Right.
00:14:18Super socks.
00:14:25Did you see that?
00:14:26They're all on drugs, a lot of them.
00:14:46Did he score?
00:14:48Losing, 3-1.
00:14:55Losing, 3-1.
00:15:09Excuse me.
00:15:17Excuse me, I...
00:15:19I only go to restaurants with deaf waiters.
00:15:25Ah.
00:15:29Hi.
00:15:31Hello, mate.
00:15:33Peace man.
00:15:34Surprise, surprise.
00:15:35Surprise.
00:15:36Been anywhere controversial?
00:15:38Pictures.
00:15:39The boyfriend.
00:15:40She's slim.
00:15:41I'm just going to the...
00:15:42Oh, I'll come with you.
00:15:43I'll come with you.
00:15:47Are you and Beryl, um...
00:15:48You know.
00:15:52You know.
00:15:53Oh.
00:16:03Would you, uh...
00:16:05What do you sort of reckon?
00:16:06She's a...
00:16:09Fair sort of bird.
00:16:11Sort of.
00:16:12She's all right.
00:16:15I mean, nothing sensational, obviously.
00:16:18Geoffrey.
00:16:19She's a bird.
00:16:24You having a coffee with us?
00:16:25No, thanks, kid.
00:16:26Neville's ravenous.
00:16:28You've just eaten.
00:16:31Oh, of course, yeah.
00:16:32Sorry.
00:16:34You see, what I thought Ken was always trying to do...
00:16:39By implication?
00:16:41Probably by implication.
00:16:43Was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from our own aesthetic judgment.
00:16:47You see?
00:16:49Yes.
00:16:51Was he the errand boy?
00:16:53Was who the errand boy?
00:16:54Ken Thingy.
00:16:56He directed it.
00:16:58Oh, yes.
00:17:00I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.
00:17:03Probably.
00:17:08You're not like other boys at all, are you?
00:17:11Well, I'm probably a little more mature, that's all.
00:17:14It's over 200 yards from the cinema.
00:17:16And you talk to me the whole way, like a person.
00:17:22Other boys seem to have one-track minds these days.
00:17:25Sex?
00:17:26Marriage.
00:17:28Pardon?
00:17:29The number of boys that asked me to marry them.
00:17:32A couple of dates and pal they want to get married.
00:17:35I want to live a bit before I get married.
00:17:38I suppose I just don't have a hang-up about it.
00:17:41Get married?
00:17:42Hmm.
00:17:44No.
00:17:45Actually, I find girls, and most girls, that is, a bit obsessed these days.
00:17:55Not marriage.
00:17:57No.
00:17:58Sex.
00:18:00Percy Filth?
00:18:04Sex.
00:18:06Oh.
00:18:08Well, I'm not like that.
00:18:10Not passive-elf-motivated?
00:18:12No.
00:18:14No.
00:18:15Did you want to say any more about Andy Warhol?
00:18:29Ken Russell?
00:18:30Yeah.
00:18:31No.
00:18:38This is it.
00:18:45I won't come in, with it being our first date.
00:18:55No.
00:18:56Oh.
00:18:57Anywhere my mum's gone to bed, we'd be on our own.
00:19:00Is that a reason for me not coming in, though?
00:19:02Yes, Geoffrey.
00:19:04Oh.
00:19:05Nice house.
00:19:1725-year mortgage.
00:19:23Well, thanks for seeing me home.
00:19:27Funny, isn't it?
00:19:29First date with someone.
00:19:31It always leads to one of three things.
00:19:35Either nothing.
00:19:37Or something.
00:19:41Or everything.
00:19:43Well, don't think about Percy Filth at this stage, Beryl.
00:19:47You're not.
00:19:49No, I'm not.
00:19:52Night-night. God bless.
00:20:05I won't give you my phone number in case you think I'm one of those scheming females.
00:20:09What is it?
00:20:10327-4421.
00:20:12The easy way to remember it is the three and the two make five, which is two less than seven,
00:20:16then two fours, and half of four, which is two, and half of two, which is one.
00:20:20But you mustn't ring me if you don't want.
00:20:22No.
00:20:23But you can if you do.
00:20:25Do you want me to?
00:20:26You'd rather not.
00:20:28327-4421.
00:20:30Night.
00:20:56Well, hello, Mrs. Battersby.
00:21:02Beryl's brought you up a cup of tea.
00:21:04Oh, they all have a past life flashed before me then.
00:21:08Can't be Mother's Day. You'd have forgotten.
00:21:14Has there been any clips?
00:21:17Mum, I want the benefit of your experience.
00:21:21What do you think of Andy Warhol?
00:21:24You see, Geoffrey has this theory that, by implication...
00:21:28Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:30Geoffrey knows about these things.
00:21:32These things. Everything.
00:21:34Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:35He's fantastically intelligent.
00:21:38See, Geoffrey's idea...
00:21:39Beryl ooze Geoffrey.
00:21:42Oh, no one.
00:21:48No one's special.
00:21:53His name's Geoffrey.
00:21:59How did this Beryl Bird turn out last night, then?
00:22:02What Beryl Bird?
00:22:03I told him.
00:22:04Did she, er...
00:22:06Did she, er...
00:22:08What?
00:22:12Wow!
00:22:15She doesn't, then.
00:22:17You don't listen, do you?
00:22:18I said...
00:22:19How about Sandra?
00:22:20Not seeing him tonight, then?
00:22:21Who?
00:22:22I've rather better things to do, thank you.
00:22:23Chips, chums, sod.
00:22:34Not seeing him tonight, then.
00:22:40Who?
00:22:45I've rather better things to do, thank you.
00:22:53He said he was no one special.
00:22:58Have they got a phone here?
00:23:01Why?
00:23:03They haven't, have they?
00:23:05Did you want to get some nookie lined up or something?
00:23:08If I did, do you think I'd be playing darts with you two?
00:23:11Look, are you fed up here?
00:23:14Are you?
00:23:15We'll split after this game.
00:23:16Anything you say.
00:23:17We can go for a few at the King's Head.
00:23:19Great.
00:23:21And that ends our pro.
00:23:23Well, Monday tomorrow.
00:23:25Hallelujah.
00:23:26Pardon?
00:23:28I don't know what you're paying for that phone,
00:23:29but whatever it is, you're being done.
00:23:32Good night.
00:23:32Good night.
00:23:32Good night.
00:23:33Good night.
00:23:33Good night.
00:23:33Good night.
00:23:34Good night.
00:23:34Good night.
00:23:34Good night.
00:23:35Good night.
00:23:35Good night.
00:23:35Good night.
00:23:36Good night.
00:23:36Good night.
00:23:37Good night.
00:23:37Good night.
00:23:37Good night.
00:23:38Good night.
00:23:38Good night.
00:23:38Good night.
00:23:39Good night.
00:23:39Good night.
00:23:39Good night.
00:23:39Good night.
00:23:39Good night.
00:23:40Good night.
00:23:40Good night.
00:23:40Good night.
00:23:41Good night.
00:23:41Good night.
00:23:41Good night.
00:23:42Good night.
00:23:43Good night.
00:23:44Good night.
00:23:45Good night.
00:23:46Good night.
00:23:47Good night.
00:23:47Good night.
00:23:48Good night.
00:23:49Good night.
00:23:50Good night.
00:23:51Good night.
00:23:52Good night.
00:23:53Good night.
00:23:54Good night.
00:23:55Good night.
00:23:56Good morning. Good morning.
00:24:09Charlton for Pope. Long may you reign. Amen.
00:24:14What's going on? The pound's up again.
00:24:17Oh, God.
00:24:19Today's special. Bloody travellers, Jax.
00:24:23Yeah. Suddenly everyone's going on holiday. So close.
00:24:27Enjoy yourself while you're young.
00:24:45Why do we always do that? 93 times a day?
00:24:49We never say anything.
00:24:52Here we are all warm.
00:24:55We'll have to walk as the sun was rising.
00:24:58I heard a maiden singing in the valley.
00:25:02My typing not disturbing your singing, I hope.
00:25:06See Geoffrey on Sunday.
00:25:07Oh, just as the sun was rising, I heard a maiden singing in the valley below.
00:25:16My typing not disturbing your singing, I hope.
00:25:19See Geoffrey on Sunday.
00:25:22Oh, Geoffrey.
00:25:24That Neville's the greatest.
00:25:29Is he dishy or is he dishy?
00:25:32He never promises he's going to take this back and film this.
00:25:36I'm considering packing Geoffrey in.
00:25:39One date was enough.
00:25:41Why?
00:25:43He's cancer and I'm Libra.
00:25:45Is that bad?
00:25:46Hopeless.
00:25:49Actually, I'm slightly off the male gender at the moment.
00:26:01Five.
00:26:02Five, which is, which is, three and two is five, which is two less than seven, which is, oh.
00:26:13I see the Spanish police are throwing your lot out of Ibiza.
00:26:17Bank clocks.
00:26:19Your lot.
00:26:20Football supporters.
00:26:22Hippies.
00:26:23Oh, my lot.
00:26:26At the third stroke, it will be 7.22 and 40 seconds.
00:26:30It will be 7.22 and 50 seconds.
00:26:40That's it, then.
00:26:42Fate.
00:26:43All over by 7.23 precisely.
00:26:47So what?
00:26:50Plenty more where she came from.
00:26:51Is that the speaking clock?
00:26:57Is that Geoffrey?
00:26:58Is that Beryl?
00:27:00Yes.
00:27:01Yes.
00:27:02Hi.
00:27:05Hi.
00:27:05Hi.
00:27:05It's terrifically exciting, isn't it?
00:27:26Getting to know a person.
00:27:28Fantastic.
00:27:28Fantastic.
00:27:28I want to know all about you.
00:27:35That's what it's all about.
00:27:39For example, with things in common already.
00:27:42Definitely.
00:27:45About what?
00:27:49We're enormously fond of animals.
00:27:51Right.
00:27:55And we're both from Manchester.
00:28:00Have you ever been abroad?
00:28:02No.
00:28:04Have you?
00:28:05No.
00:28:06Unless you count Istanbul.
00:28:09Istanbul?
00:28:10Was it beyond belief?
00:28:12I don't know.
00:28:13I was only three.
00:28:13Do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before?
00:28:22Sometimes.
00:28:24I do.
00:28:26What now?
00:28:29No.
00:28:30Just...
00:28:31Just sometimes.
00:28:35Yes, I do.
00:28:39Such a lot, isn't there?
00:28:42In getting to know a person.
00:28:43Hmm.
00:28:49He was lithe and easy-limbed.
00:28:52His stride quietly casual.
00:28:54His eyes clear and confident.
00:28:57And his strong mouth ready to break into a relaxed, assured, lopsided grin.
00:29:06You know, Geoffrey, you have a really lopsided grin.
00:29:10Really?
00:29:11You know, lopsided.
00:29:13I don't think I have.
00:29:17It's in the eye of the beholder.
00:29:21See?
00:29:23Geoffrey doesn't need someone else when he's tying a knot.
00:29:26He holds it down with his little finger.
00:29:28It must be marvellous being a man.
00:29:33It's OK, I suppose.
00:29:35Men can do anything.
00:29:37Conquer Everest.
00:29:39Do heart transplants.
00:29:40Become leader of the opposition.
00:29:43Anything!
00:29:44Geoffrey, N-O spells no.
00:29:46It's good for your circulation, Beryl.
00:29:58Read any women's magazine.
00:30:00It's good for theirs, too.
00:30:01Not sure they recommend Percy Filth on Tuesdays.
00:30:04I only see you on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
00:30:07All Saturdays.
00:30:10Beryl.
00:30:15Beryl.
00:30:16Oh, Geoffrey Bobble's bumble.
00:30:18Oh, Beryl.
00:30:19Oh, Geoffrey.
00:30:21Oh, Beryl!
00:30:22Are you all right?
00:30:23What exactly happened?
00:30:24Don't tell me.
00:30:25I just had a sharp achak of dramatic irony.
00:30:28Pardon?
00:30:34Come back.
00:30:36They're better.
00:30:36It's better.
00:30:37I'm OK.
00:30:41I told you, it's going to port.
00:30:43It's not.
00:30:48Urgh.
00:30:52It's only the angels crying.
00:30:55I know how they feel.
00:30:58Well, don't blame me.
00:30:59I haven't done anything.
00:31:00That's true.
00:31:03That's not true, Beryl.
00:31:04I have apologised.
00:31:06I keep going down on me knees when I'm talking to you.
00:31:09Independent observers think I'm training to be a Cossack dancer.
00:31:12It must be a bad line.
00:31:13I can't hear you.
00:31:14You'd better apologise again.
00:31:17I apologise again.
00:31:20Gosh, this lousy line.
00:31:22I wonder if Geoffrey would like to come to tea on Sunday.
00:31:28Pardon?
00:31:29Pardon?
00:31:31Is that who I think it is?
00:31:34No, dear.
00:31:46Well, isn't this nice?
00:31:47Sardine sandwich.
00:31:53Is it all sardine?
00:31:54Yeah.
00:31:56She's got her own trawler.
00:32:03Isn't it awful?
00:32:05What?
00:32:06I was speaking to Geoffrey.
00:32:08What's happening in the world?
00:32:09I blame the politicians.
00:32:11What for?
00:32:12For what's happening in the world?
00:32:14I'm talking to her.
00:32:21I can't speak Portuguese.
00:32:23Tasty.
00:32:25Very in oil.
00:32:27Nice in oil.
00:32:28She's got a bad leg.
00:32:31The bread's extremely wholesome.
00:32:34Why, after this little baker down the road,
00:32:35he does something with the bleach.
00:32:40Yes.
00:32:40I can't do long conversations about sardines so much as your mind goes blank.
00:32:54Start thinking about life after death.
00:32:56Oh, that Neville, honestly.
00:33:03Number of hearts he must have broken.
00:33:06Every girl in Manchester, nearly.
00:33:09Geoffrey definitely has.
00:33:10Probably even more.
00:33:14Air hostesses.
00:33:16All sorts.
00:33:18Tell me about your terrible past, Geoffrey.
00:33:20I haven't had one yet.
00:33:21White men speak with forked tongue.
00:33:25Actually, I was hoping more for a terrible future.
00:33:33Wow, is that the time?
00:33:34At this moment in time.
00:33:36What have I done?
00:33:37Is Neville the insanely jealous type?
00:33:40Right in the slightest.
00:33:42You're lucky.
00:33:43Why, it's Geoffrey.
00:33:46Wow.
00:33:47You're not jealous of all my ex-flames, are you?
00:33:49Of course not.
00:33:51Why should I be?
00:33:52Please stop interrogating me, Geoffrey.
00:33:53Forget it.
00:33:56That's all in the past.
00:33:58Then, nothing to be jealous about.
00:34:03Who needs drama?
00:34:06So I shouted back at her.
00:34:08No shop assistant shouts at me, I shouted.
00:34:10In the end, Neville nearly bolted me for swearing.
00:34:14He thumped you.
00:34:16Walloped you on?
00:34:17No.
00:34:19I said nearly.
00:34:23You'll never thump me, will you?
00:34:25Like Neville does Sandra.
00:34:27She adores it.
00:34:28Of course not.
00:34:31No.
00:34:34Geoffrey, Percy Filth isn't the only thing in life.
00:34:37It isn't even one of the things in mine.
00:34:38He used to talk to me.
00:34:40All right, let's talk.
00:34:46Geoffrey, I've just had the most super idea.
00:34:49Why?
00:34:49Is your mum going out?
00:34:53May as well pack in, really.
00:34:57Why?
00:34:59Why not?
00:35:02Good thinking.
00:35:03Thanks for a stimulating few weeks.
00:35:12You too.
00:35:13It was real.
00:35:14It's psychedelic.
00:35:15You can keep me grateful dead, LP.
00:35:17I was scratched anyway.
00:35:20It's been a gasp.
00:35:21Groovy.
00:35:23I won't wave from the window.
00:35:25No, I won't look back anyway.
00:35:27Good.
00:35:28It's been a gasp.
00:35:29You've said that once.
00:35:40You're well-bred barrel.
00:35:41There's plenty more fish in the sea.
00:35:45About three very lonely sardines.
00:35:50Mother, please don't try raising one eyebrow at me.
00:35:53You know you can't do it.
00:35:59You'll never thump me, will you, Geoffrey?
00:36:03Ow!
00:36:04Beryl, I just had the most super idea.
00:36:07Are we going to put it up?
00:36:08No.
00:36:09We're going to pack it in.
00:36:10Don't say that.
00:36:11Please don't say that.
00:36:12That.
00:36:15Sandra.
00:36:16Sandra.
00:36:18You're Sandra.
00:36:19Mine.
00:36:23Two months.
00:36:24Two months, nine days.
00:36:26Is she positive?
00:36:30The test was.
00:36:31What are you going to do?
00:36:33She'll think of something.
00:36:35Sandra, it's stupendous.
00:36:39Congratulations.
00:36:40I hope you'll both be very happy.
00:36:42Oh, thanks, kid.
00:36:44Sandra, I don't know how you do it.
00:36:48Often.
00:36:48Often.
00:36:56What are you going to do?
00:37:03Oh, thanks.
00:37:08Oh, thanks.
00:37:16Bye.
00:37:16Bye.
00:37:17Bye.
00:37:18Bye.
00:37:18Bye.
00:37:18Bye.
00:37:19Bye.
00:37:20Bye.
00:37:21John for Pope.
00:37:42Long may reign.
00:37:50Aren't you, er...
00:37:51Yeah.
00:37:55And you're, er...
00:37:56That's right.
00:37:58Going somewhere incredible.
00:38:00I'm meeting my parents. Taking them to see Fiddler on the roof.
00:38:03That's pretty incredible.
00:38:05Your mummy and daddy.
00:38:08Er...
00:38:09Oh, hell no, that's tomorrow.
00:38:12If I'm in the mood.
00:38:16Where you are.
00:38:18Depends where you take me.
00:38:30All I was saying about your friend with the glasses...
00:38:32Rowland.
00:38:33Rowland.
00:38:34Is that I found him intellectually unaware and psychologically incredibly boring.
00:38:38It's not bad at snooker.
00:38:42And how are you and little Beryl?
00:38:46Didn't she tell you?
00:38:47I don't work there anymore.
00:38:49I packed her in.
00:38:50Did she tell you all?
00:38:51Daryl?
00:38:52Yeah.
00:38:53I haven't really looked.
00:38:54Seen one.
00:38:55You've seen them all.
00:38:56Not quite all.
00:38:57I'll go and get me coat.
00:38:58Must be my birthday.
00:38:59Must be my birthday.
00:39:00Boys aren't the only thing in life, Beryl.
00:39:01Boys aren't the only thing in life, Beryl.
00:39:02They're all.
00:39:03They're all.
00:39:04They're all.
00:39:05I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:06I don't wish you'd find one.
00:39:07I don't wish you'd find one.
00:39:08I don't wish you'd find one.
00:39:09I haven't really looked.
00:39:10Seen one.
00:39:11You've seen them all.
00:39:12Not quite all.
00:39:13I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:14I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:15I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:23Looks to be my birthday.
00:39:28Boys aren't the only thing in life, Beryl.
00:39:31I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:37They aren't all after Percy, Filth.
00:39:40Yes, they are.
00:39:42Mmm.
00:39:43Oh, you were terrific on the bus.
00:39:46Was I?
00:39:47Mmm.
00:39:49Terrific self-control.
00:39:53Joan of Arc never married, yet she led a full and happy life.
00:39:56Or am I thinking of someone else?
00:39:59Mother, I don't happen to be interested in boys.
00:40:01I happen to be interested in having early nights
00:40:03and writing poetry in bed with my Moe felt-tip pen.
00:40:06It's through a night of ink.
00:40:07I used it for my laundry list.
00:40:08My God, your generation's got a few things to answer for.
00:40:13Mmm.
00:40:14Mmm.
00:40:15Mmm, please.
00:40:16Mmm, don't.
00:40:17Please.
00:40:18You can't ravish a girl on her own doorstep.
00:40:23Well, let's go inside, then.
00:40:26Smooth-talking bastard.
00:40:28It is me birthday.
00:40:29What about the boy with the freckles from Shakespeare Crescent?
00:40:30I don't believe that question.
00:40:31You used to be crazy about him.
00:40:32I was 11 years old.
00:40:33He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:40:34I was 11 years old.
00:40:35He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:40:36I was 11 years old.
00:40:37He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:40:41I was 11 years old.
00:40:42I was 11 years old.
00:40:43I was 11 years old.
00:40:44He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:40:48I was 18 years old.
00:40:49I got nothing tovor in my tortoise.
00:40:57Oh boy.
00:40:59Oh,右hinx who is not.
00:41:02断 הי, father.
00:41:05Help me out of your tortoise.
00:41:07Hamletch will be!
00:41:13I won't take advantage of you right away.
00:41:14what's your name again what's yours rock that's not your real name no Steven
00:41:27God that turns me on
00:41:37when I first met you in the street I thought just a quiet drink and a chat shows you the
00:41:44art of conversation and dead don't move a muscle however gorgeous
00:42:14testing testing Jeffrey Milleharp returns to the day I wish you everything you've ever wished yourself
00:42:26I'm fed up
00:42:43who are you
00:42:46who are you
00:42:47what are you fed up about
00:42:50teachers don't have to do homework
00:42:53no
00:42:54they just mark it
00:42:56anyone can mark it
00:42:59they've got the answers
00:43:00do you know it's after two o'clock
00:43:08what's he doing here then
00:43:09well
00:43:12this is your uncle Steven
00:43:15this is my revolting brother Jeremy
00:43:19how do you do
00:43:23don't my mum and dad know he's here
00:43:25Jeremy bed
00:43:26I could always wake them up and tell them
00:43:28Jeremy
00:43:29little boys need sleep
00:43:33even big astronauts
00:43:36do you know where babies come from
00:43:39do you
00:43:42say no
00:43:44no
00:43:44I do
00:43:45say yes
00:43:46shall I tell you
00:43:47he knows
00:43:48the man has this male organ
00:43:50and some blood cells
00:43:52and erectile glands
00:43:53and there's these 500 million spermatozoas
00:43:56in these testes
00:43:57that he has as well
00:43:58and he goes through his male organ
00:44:00into the female uterus
00:44:01that the lady has
00:44:02who told you that
00:44:04then they go to the fallopian tubes after that
00:44:07one of them fertilizes with the female egg
00:44:09the others don't bother
00:44:11anyway that's what you have to do
00:44:13then you have a baby
00:44:15did they teach you that at school?
00:44:19they do woodwork in the next class
00:44:20people can only make babies at certain times of the year
00:44:24but animals like dogs and cats
00:44:26and giraffes I think
00:44:28do it all the time
00:44:29no
00:44:31no
00:44:32that's people
00:44:34what is?
00:44:38well
00:44:39people
00:44:40do it all the time
00:44:41whenever they feel like it
00:44:46in the next class
00:44:51you can do metal work
00:44:52if you don't like woodwork
00:44:53goodnight Jeremy
00:44:5625p
00:44:5950
00:45:0050
00:45:03goodnight Uncle Stephen
00:45:14would you care for a government health warning?
00:45:34hey Veronica
00:45:35yes
00:45:36who the hell's Uncle Stephen at 10 past 2 in the morning?
00:45:39a friend of Jeremy's
00:45:41he's going now
00:45:42goodnight love
00:45:45we would have done that wouldn't we?
00:45:50and how
00:45:51you can't win them all
00:45:55can you?
00:45:56anyway
00:45:57do you good going without for a change
00:45:59still there's always another day
00:46:06tomorrow?
00:46:08no
00:46:08tomorrow's another day
00:46:11shh
00:46:11not unless you happen to be in Plymouth
00:46:14where?
00:46:16I'm joining the Wrens for three years
00:46:18what Wrens?
00:46:22the Royal Navy's Wrens
00:46:24this time tomorrow
00:46:27I'll be in barracks
00:46:28with about 50 other girls
00:46:29and 30,000 sailors
00:46:30hope I like it
00:46:33thanks for nearly everything
00:46:39we definitely would have done
00:46:42wouldn't we?
00:46:42well obviously
00:46:43we're as good as dead
00:46:45in a way really
00:46:46almost
00:46:47just keep telling yourself
00:46:49and we will have
00:46:50only better
00:46:51goodnight love
00:46:53to our barrel
00:46:55morning
00:47:18previous generation
00:47:19what's for breakfast?
00:47:31you knew it was your mother's birthday
00:47:33now what we'd like to know
00:47:34is where were you
00:47:35while we were fiddling
00:47:36on the flaming roof
00:47:37I'm sorry mum
00:47:38I'll take you out another night
00:47:40something cropped up
00:47:41like what?
00:47:43dad
00:47:44you understand
00:47:45you understand
00:47:45I don't Jeffrey
00:47:48well you always say you do
00:47:50Jeffrey you're at it every night
00:47:53yes dad
00:47:55and we don't complain
00:47:56no dad
00:47:56but last night was different
00:47:58I knew you'd understand
00:48:00I don't know
00:48:14.
00:48:17.
00:48:20.
00:48:26.
00:48:29.
00:48:31.
00:48:33What's going on?
00:48:35Pounds down again, up and down like a pair of knickers.
00:48:38You should know.
00:48:40Or me.
00:48:42Know what I mean?
00:48:44What a night.
00:48:46Wow.
00:48:48A lot.
00:48:50Including action replays in slow motion.
00:48:56Hey lads, I picked up a bit of spare last night.
00:48:59Who didn't?
00:49:00No, it's true.
00:49:02Yes, Geoffrey.
00:49:04It is.
00:49:06Yes, Geoffrey.
00:49:10Bloody yes.
00:49:14Poor Geoffrey.
00:49:16Beryl, please.
00:49:18It's Neville's engagement party as well.
00:49:20He had to invite him.
00:49:22He'll see me. It's cruel.
00:49:24He'll see other girls.
00:49:26I shan't take him back, Sandra.
00:49:30I shan't.
00:49:32It's been two weeks. He may have got over you by now.
00:49:34Don't know much about men, do you, love?
00:49:40It was doing him a kindness, really.
00:49:42Finally splitting up.
00:49:44He only had one ambition in life.
00:49:46Send my knickers to Oxfam.
00:49:48It was doing him a kindness, really.
00:50:04Finally splitting up.
00:50:06He only had one ambition in life.
00:50:08Send my knickers to Oxfam.
00:50:16Good job she hasn't joined the Wrens.
00:50:18The entire Navy had gone strike.
00:50:20I expect he's sorry now.
00:50:22I won't even consider taking him back if he isn't.
00:50:26She might have changed, of course.
00:50:28If she has, I might let her have the old orgy nine again.
00:50:32He's got to accept we've finally split up.
00:50:36Otherwise, I definitely won't take him back.
00:50:42Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:50:44At least I've got me pride.
00:50:46I left with Beryl, baby.
00:50:49Oh, hi.
00:50:50Didn't see you.
00:50:51No, nor me.
00:50:54And how's Manchester City doing without me cheering them on, then?
00:50:56United.
00:50:57We're winning every game now.
00:51:00Oh, good.
00:51:02And what's new with Geoffrey, then?
00:51:04I asked you what was new with you.
00:51:10I asked you.
00:51:11Did you?
00:51:16Need I say more?
00:51:20Pardon?
00:51:21And how's Beryl, baby, getting on, then?
00:51:24Geoffrey, I'm not all that ecstatic about you calling me Beryl, baby.
00:51:27It isn't like you.
00:51:29Say that again.
00:51:30Beryl, baby.
00:51:31What's your name, handsome?
00:51:36You laugh.
00:51:37Everybody laughs.
00:51:38It's the story of my life.
00:51:41You tell it like it is, Chuck.
00:51:50She's putting on an axe.
00:51:52What do you care?
00:51:55I don't have a baby.
00:52:02Is she going to get into bed with him now?
00:52:06Probably.
00:52:10Geoffrey always looks half asleep these days.
00:52:13Well, it's very exhausting.
00:52:16What is?
00:52:18Working in a bank.
00:52:19I had this bad scene, this chick, and decided to split.
00:52:33So I cut out, man, like there's no tomorrow.
00:52:36This cat gets it together where he's at, man.
00:52:40Lots of beautiful bag, baby.
00:52:42So if you want a piece of the action, don't cool it.
00:52:47Dig?
00:52:49Hmm?
00:52:51Sorry, I no understand English.
00:52:54Gesundheit.
00:52:55Gesundheit.
00:52:57I thought she'd only just been to bed with the other one.
00:53:13She has.
00:53:15And which is her husband?
00:53:17Neither.
00:53:18It's warming up, isn't it?
00:53:20Great beat, isn't it?
00:53:22Great to dance to.
00:53:24Do you agree that life's an onion?
00:53:28Hmm.
00:53:30If so, what's death?
00:53:32Erm...
00:53:50A banana.
00:53:52Yes, I expect it is when you think about it.
00:53:55Have you read Schopenhauer's concept of existence?
00:53:59Erm...
00:54:01No. But I've seen the film.
00:54:05You married?
00:54:07No.
00:54:09Grab yourself an adage. Marriage is a cabbage.
00:54:14Are you a poet?
00:54:16Never ask the questions. Ask the answers.
00:54:19You are a poet.
00:54:22To any manager, Marks and Spencers.
00:54:26The chair.
00:54:28Marry V. Durchick.
00:54:30Now he's taking his clothes off.
00:54:34What's on ITV?
00:54:36This.
00:54:38What's on BBC?
00:54:42Catching over.
00:54:44What's that like?
00:54:46This.
00:54:49Oh, come on now. You know that's not where it's at.
00:54:52Let's get this. What's the word?
00:54:55Let's get it clear.
00:54:57Let's get down to the real nitty-gritties, Phil, okay?
00:55:09Women's lip is not about burning brass.
00:55:13Papers, yeah.
00:55:15What papers?
00:55:17A marriage certificate. A dog's license.
00:55:19Whatever you prefer to call it.
00:55:20Look, let's be basic about this, Enid.
00:55:23All girls want marriage and a white wedding.
00:55:26Really basic? You want to be really basic?
00:55:29Utterly basic.
00:55:30Balls.
00:55:32Grass?
00:55:35Enid, when Sandra says every girl, she means most girls.
00:55:39Well, like herself.
00:55:41Not me, of course, because I incredibly value my independence.
00:55:43But most girls definitely want...
00:55:46Balls!
00:55:48If you can't conduct an intelligent conversation without recourse to...
00:55:51I'm not recourseing to anything.
00:55:53I'm merely telling you what girls want.
00:55:54What?
00:55:55Balls!
00:55:56Oh!
00:55:57Would you please stop saying that?
00:56:00You believe in free love, right?
00:56:02Wrong!
00:56:02I believe in free everything.
00:56:04Freedom from all male chauvinist pig domination.
00:56:07Honestly, don't you understand?
00:56:09Excuse me, you've got your hand on me.
00:56:10If we're liberated in society for the future, I'm sure.
00:56:12No thank you.
00:56:13Excuse me, excuse me, you've got your hand on me.
00:56:15No!
00:56:16Oh!
00:56:17Oh, sorry.
00:56:18Wow, man, sorry.
00:56:20It's all right.
00:56:21Oh, gee.
00:56:21It's a pleasure.
00:56:23Grass?
00:56:24Geoffrey, you've not to.
00:56:25Why not?
00:56:26I said don't.
00:56:27You're not to smoke it.
00:56:37Oh, wow.
00:56:39We're as liberated as you, Enid.
00:56:42We've equal importance as individuals.
00:56:45Neither of us is boss.
00:56:46It just doesn't arise.
00:56:48We'll make some coffee, kid.
00:56:50Yes.
00:56:50You see, what we believe is...
00:56:52Now!
00:56:55You see...
00:56:56Where are one?
00:56:58I can see there's only one way to get through.
00:57:05What are you doing?
00:57:06Lighting everybody's fire.
00:57:08Burn my bra.
00:57:16Right.
00:57:17That's it.
00:57:18Finished.
00:57:19The end.
00:57:20Full stop.
00:57:22We've finally split up.
00:57:24Neville, Sandra wants you.
00:57:26I should imagine.
00:57:29Sad, isn't it?
00:57:30Pathetic.
00:57:31Pathetic.
00:57:38Well, I can't follow plays these days.
00:57:41It's just showing real life, that's all.
00:57:43I once thought I'd found her.
00:57:51The perfect girl.
00:57:54Red hair.
00:57:55Not too skinny.
00:57:56Yeah.
00:57:57Very gentle and shy.
00:58:01Passionate when roused.
00:58:04Yeah.
00:58:04You should pack me in for picking my teeth with a matchstick.
00:58:09You're very sweet, Roland.
00:58:12I've always thought you were.
00:58:17Did you know you very nearly have a lopsided grin?
00:58:21It's just I'm a bit tired.
00:58:22No, it's nice.
00:58:23I don't think I've washed that one.
00:58:50Oh, sorry.
00:58:50Do you know...
00:58:55What, Beryl?
00:58:56You can ask me anything.
00:58:59Do you know where Jeffrey's got to?
00:59:04He's upstairs, I think.
00:59:11Is it true they're dry on their own?
00:59:16Usually.
00:59:20Oh, I hate to be any trouble, but I think I'm dying.
00:59:25You'll be all right, honest.
00:59:27She said I shouldn't smoke it.
00:59:29Who?
00:59:30She said...
00:59:33Jeffrey?
00:59:38Jeffrey?
00:59:39Sorry.
00:59:45Sorry.
00:59:52Jeffrey?
00:59:56Move up a bit, Jeffrey.
00:59:59Put your legs.
01:00:01That's better.
01:00:02It's because it's your first time, isn't it?
01:00:13Call Dr. Wise, put a Quilmslow road.
01:00:17It wasn't marijuana, you know.
01:00:26What was it, then?
01:00:28Grass.
01:00:30Grass is marijuana.
01:00:33This grass wasn't.
01:00:34It was the real thing.
01:00:38From the front lawn.
01:00:40Is that you, Beryl?
01:00:55Had a nice time?
01:00:57Even though it's three o'clock in the morning.
01:01:00Not that I mind, if you've had a nice time.
01:01:03Even though I've been in bed since ten, having a good night's worry.
01:01:06Did you see Jeffrey?
01:01:13That's good.
01:01:33Do you ever get the feeling you're trying too hard?
01:01:36I didn't try at all.
01:01:39Gave it to rest.
01:01:44I'm right off, birds.
01:01:46I am.
01:01:47I am.
01:01:49For good.
01:01:51Me too.
01:01:53And me.
01:02:06Good morning.
01:02:14Your mother would like to know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:17Can I.
01:02:18I don't.
01:02:18I can.
01:02:34I am.
01:02:41Oh.
01:02:41Oh.
01:02:42Oh.
01:02:42A barrel, a barrel.
01:03:12Geoffrey, can I rip your trousers off and have my way with you?
01:03:23Oh, barrel.
01:03:27Oh, Geoffrey.
01:03:30Oh, God.
01:03:42Hello.
01:03:45Will you be required in the room again, sir?
01:03:48Because we're thinking of taking bookings for the next pop festival.
01:03:51You're a bugger.
01:03:54I don't know who he takes after.
01:03:57Hello?
01:04:04It's me.
01:04:05Who?
01:04:06My God, that's symbolic.
01:04:08Oh, hello, Beryl.
01:04:10I'm just ringing to tell you I never want to see you again.
01:04:12If you have a phone or call, please don't, because I shan't be in.
01:04:15Tonight or any other night.
01:04:17Anyway, tonight I'm helping my mum at the school jumble sale.
01:04:32The small world.
01:04:52Good evening, Mrs Battersby.
01:04:54I was looking for a nice lampshade.
01:04:56Oh?
01:04:58Probably this one.
01:05:00Definitely.
01:05:01Magic in satin.
01:05:02Oh, certainly, Geoffrey.
01:05:04Who's here in his nice crimson shoes?
01:05:10You'd like some nice fancy random paper, wouldn't you?
01:05:16I'm a child of the universe, Beryl.
01:05:18I have a right to be here.
01:05:19I'm afraid we don't sell marijuana on Sundays.
01:05:21Try the co-op.
01:05:22Beryl, listen.
01:05:23If you can smell burning, it's just that the vicar's been around burning his jock strap.
01:05:25Beryl, listen.
01:05:26Can I help you, madam?
01:05:27Have you got that in another colour?
01:05:29No, madam.
01:05:30I'll leave it then.
01:05:40Listen to what, for heaven's sake?
01:05:43Don't matter.
01:05:44What doesn't?
01:05:45You wouldn't, anyway.
01:05:46Wouldn't what?
01:05:47Go to the match with me on Saturday.
01:05:52Me?
01:05:53A football match?
01:05:54With 40,000 skinheads and you?
01:05:57Told you.
01:06:00Who are they playing?
01:06:06Huddersfield Town.
01:06:08In the cot.
01:06:09I've always wanted to watch Huddersfield Town.
01:06:11The...
01:06:12The fourth from the bottom.
01:06:13Shows you.
01:06:14Away from home.
01:06:15They've won three, drawn five and lost twelve.
01:06:18Drawn five.
01:06:19So what do you think?
01:06:20I think I nearly love you.
01:06:23I think I nearly love you.
01:06:25drawn five and lost twelve drawn five so what do you think I think I nearly love
01:06:38you
01:06:55I don't recall Grace Kelly enticing Prince Rainier by going to watch United I may be wrong
01:07:22we live in a permissive society Beryl read any color supplement mother you're supposed to be
01:07:29my mother I am love and it wasn't through going to football matches you are the same mother that
01:07:35makes me tug me skirt down every time I stand up even if he's only on the phone yes so well
01:07:40boys are very safe and I am your mother that's what I said I don't mean permissive permissive
01:07:50see romantic pardon kissing cuddling things of that nature
01:08:00oh we do do what what you just said good not too much I hope oh god boys are very funny
01:08:11the novices compared to mothers did I tell you that two new people have moved into the house opposite
01:08:21with the green curtains oh two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains
01:08:29fantastic
01:08:32the cowgills mr. and mrs. cowgill married couple newlyweds not long married you go bald doing that doing what
01:08:52I tell you 28 stockbrokers have moved into the office opposite with the dirty curtains living in sin
01:09:10can you say one single sentence without the word marriage in it if I said to you do you think
01:09:23Cassius Clay would have beaten Rocky Marciano would you say what's it matter so long as they're
01:09:27happily married I don't think so Beryl would giving you a bad time is she oh I wouldn't say that I
01:09:40haven't even mentioned the word what word goodness me a single person can have a relationship with
01:09:50another single person without everyone thinking she's automatically I never said you were you think it
01:09:55all right Jeffrey I hereby promise never to utter the word again
01:10:13marriage never well until I am if I ever do which I fervently hope I never will for someone who's not
01:10:25uttering something when's your old pee coming out no two people have a divine right to happiness
01:10:33Jeffrey you mustn't feel guilty about me sorry no one can say you've completely ruined me life
01:10:43not yet
01:10:44what are you staring at
01:10:51hello you all right son terrific why did you throw your sponge pudding at the cat then
01:11:00your mother's theory is you're overworking my theory is you're overdoing it with some dolly bird
01:11:07oh what's your theory indigestion oh what's your sundance
01:11:15hasn't he said anything at all he has said one thing oh what's that if God had meant sardines to
01:11:23be in oil it had given them dipsticks all right
01:11:25the weeks and months dragged by and with neither side willing to compromise we still have deadlock
01:11:34her majesty's government have consistently tried to find a way out of this dilemma
01:11:39another wild night learning what I know spells and how many of us school pals are getting married
01:11:44and what no spells and what no spells great I might as well go bald and open me own monastery
01:11:51and so society that's you and me says end this dispute end it now good night
01:12:01here here good one day terrific especially when he said good night we're just enjoying ourselves
01:12:10having a good time just having fun
01:12:14being happy
01:12:15take two a day after meals and one if you find yourself crying hard out again in the middle of a zebra crossing for no reason at all
01:12:23you're sure this has nothing to do with a boyfriend absolutely positive
01:12:30that was the first film we ever saw together
01:12:35make that three a day after meals
01:12:39look beryl how's this for a peace plan
01:12:51you join a marriage bureau and i'll get a job on the stage twice nightly in denmark
01:12:57then we'll both be happy right right good jesus christ superstar amen
01:13:03oh hell
01:13:06arms up again see you tomorrow
01:13:08where do you think you're going
01:13:11jeffrey i'll get the sack
01:13:18it's important
01:13:19what is
01:13:22i keep asking you what is
01:13:26what is
01:13:29to be on our own
01:13:31what
01:13:33so as we can talk
01:13:35what
01:13:37had a whole speech worked out on the bus this morning
01:13:45the only bit i can remember is and that's what i think
01:13:50last night i dreamt i was in gold for manchester united and grace kelly kicked nine goals past me
01:13:56grace who
01:13:57she was playing for united as well
01:13:59weird isn't it
01:14:01the main thing is we do communicate oh we do
01:14:15what
01:14:24so what faces
01:14:25so what i want
01:14:25so what iIT
01:14:25go on
01:14:27no you
01:14:27mine wasn't important
01:14:28Her mum wasn't.
01:14:40Beryl?
01:14:44Are you... happy?
01:14:48Of course. Very.
01:14:52I am.
01:14:54No one is every second of every minute of every day.
01:14:59No.
01:15:02I'm not.
01:15:07Do you think it's because we love each other, do you think?
01:15:16Probably.
01:15:17I've not actually said the words often.
01:15:20Well, not in so many words.
01:15:22Mostly in words to that effect.
01:15:28No.
01:15:30No.
01:15:31I don't think so.
01:15:32No.
01:15:37Is there anything you don't love about me?
01:15:41No.
01:15:42I don't think so.
01:15:43Honestly, no.
01:15:45Nothing.
01:15:46If there is...
01:15:47There isn't.
01:15:48You just tell me and I'll stop doing it.
01:15:49There isn't anything.
01:15:50Honest.
01:15:51Good.
01:15:54It wouldn't upset me.
01:15:55It'd just make me a better human being to deserve your love.
01:15:58No.
01:16:03Like...
01:16:04You know...
01:16:05Crimson shoes and bottle green socks.
01:16:10Well, you don't wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks, Beryl.
01:16:12So?
01:16:13If I did, I'd stop.
01:16:14To please you.
01:16:19I see.
01:16:25There's no need to be sensitive, Jeffrey.
01:16:27In a meaningful relationship, you must like even what you don't.
01:16:32Your mother.
01:16:33Pardon?
01:16:34I like your mother.
01:16:35Please don't sulk, Jeffrey.
01:16:36Hand her lampshades.
01:16:37Sulking isn't the most endearing quality in a person.
01:16:41Well, you ought to know.
01:16:42You've almost made it an art form.
01:16:44Anything else at random?
01:16:46You've got 24 hours to spare.
01:16:47After all, I'm no Bridgette Bardot.
01:16:50According to reliable sources in Saint-Tropez,
01:16:52she's 105 next birthday.
01:16:54Over 98% of the male population of Manchester and Salford
01:16:56can tell the difference between Bridgette Bardot and Beryl Battersby.
01:16:59Ask any opinion poll.
01:17:01I'm much fatter for a start.
01:17:03You're not all that fat, Beryl.
01:17:04I am.
01:17:05Start slimming.
01:17:06Men like something to get hold of.
01:17:08If they're allowed to get hold of it.
01:17:10You always succeed in getting back to Percy Filth in the end, don't you?
01:17:13Always.
01:17:14No, I don't, Beryl.
01:17:15You do.
01:17:16I always fail.
01:17:17Do you know what some girls find extremely likeable?
01:17:19The extremely likeable way some boys stare at every girl they see.
01:17:22Boys like it when girls tell them what N-O spells.
01:17:25Especially for the 600th time.
01:17:27That they really dig.
01:17:28You never say dig.
01:17:30I did then.
01:17:31Your passionate, unrequited love for 11 boring men kicking a ball about.
01:17:36That's really lovable.
01:17:38I never knew you thought that.
01:17:40Neither did I.
01:17:42Do now, though.
01:17:44Used to say dig before I met you.
01:17:54Used to say all sorts of things.
01:17:59There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:18:06I can't even remember.
01:18:29Thinking what I'm thinking?
01:18:33Think so.
01:18:34We just don't like each other.
01:18:37At all.
01:18:50Oh, goodbye then.
01:18:53Good luck.
01:18:54Peace, ma'am.
01:18:59St Anne's Square.
01:19:00St Anne's Square, please.
01:19:04So that just leaves a cot, two matinee coats, two romper suits.
01:19:19And what else do I need?
01:19:22Oh, yes, a ring.
01:19:23Teething ring?
01:19:25Wedding ring?
01:19:26Of course.
01:19:28Oh, they have gorgeous prams in the shops these days.
01:19:31No wonder everyone's at it.
01:19:34Oh, sorry.
01:19:36What about?
01:19:37Skip it.
01:19:39About time, too.
01:19:41With her sympathy.
01:19:43Not that I need any, actually.
01:19:44I've never been as happy in me life.
01:19:46But she doesn't know that.
01:19:47If I'm looking miserable, Sandra, it's because I'm feeling happy for you.
01:19:53Yeah.
01:19:57We know what you must be thinking.
01:19:58Of course we do.
01:20:00How to pop the pink without going in off.
01:20:02Nice.
01:20:03She used to wear pink, you know.
01:20:04I won't tell you where.
01:20:05A hell of a lot more where hers came from.
01:20:06Wow!
01:20:08Did you want the chalk, Geoffrey?
01:20:09I know.
01:20:10Spell was no.
01:20:11Super day for it.
01:20:12Hmm, it's been being inside a day like this.
01:20:13Well, Sandra, this is it.
01:20:14Yep.
01:20:15The big day.
01:20:16The big day.
01:20:17There we go.
01:20:18I'm not sure you're wearing pink.
01:20:19No, no, no.
01:20:20I'm not sure if you're wearing pink, you know.
01:20:21I won't tell you where.
01:20:23I don't know if I'm wearing pink.
01:20:24I won't tell you where.
01:20:25A hell of a lot more where hers came from.
01:20:26Wow.
01:20:27Did you want the chalk, Geoffrey?
01:20:28No, spells no.
01:20:30Super day for it.
01:20:32Hmm, sin being inside a day like this.
01:20:35Well, Sandra, this is it.
01:20:39Yep. The big day.
01:20:42Yep. Coming to the crutch.
01:20:44Crunch.
01:20:46I dare say it'll hardly break my heart in the slightest seeing him again.
01:20:51You mustn't think I'll be crying inside because I most definitely won't be.
01:20:55And what's more, no one will know that I am.
01:20:58Because I shan't.
01:20:59Truly.
01:21:02Sandra, please, you've enough to think of.
01:21:04It's a big day for you as well, really, isn't it?
01:21:16And now one of the bride and groom on their own.
01:21:19Do you mind stepping back, sir?
01:21:21Fine.
01:21:22This is fine enough.
01:21:23Here?
01:21:23About there, lovely.
01:21:25You can kiss the bride on this one, sir.
01:21:28Wow. Official permission to actually kiss her.
01:21:32Ow!
01:21:33Oh, sorry.
01:21:36That's right. Hold it.
01:21:38Lovely. Thank you.
01:21:40Right, now, a nice family group of the parents, please.
01:21:43Funny.
01:21:44I remember the Friday lunchtime we first met.
01:21:48How have you been?
01:21:50Absolutely great.
01:21:52You?
01:21:53Never better. Ever.
01:21:55That's it. Hold it like that.
01:21:58It's all over now. Bar the salmon salad.
01:22:00It's tuna fish.
01:22:04It's life.
01:22:12See, President, Nick, somewhere to China, then?
01:22:15That was before we ever met.
01:22:17Oh, yeah.
01:22:17Why, has something happened about it?
01:22:21No.
01:22:21Oh?
01:22:22Could I trouble you for the salad cream, please?
01:22:24Hmm.
01:22:27Speaking personally, I think there are enough problems to sort out on Earth without going to the moon.
01:22:33Nixon.
01:22:33Why is he going?
01:22:36No.
01:22:38The astronauts.
01:22:39Oh.
01:22:41It's the wives and sweethearts I feel sorry for.
01:22:46We never really talked, did we, about things that matter?
01:22:50Good, isn't it?
01:22:51Shows we're friends.
01:22:53Now that we know we don't like each other.
01:22:55Everybody thinks we're broken-hearted.
01:23:01We've really grown up, haven't we?
01:23:03My mother's convinced herself we split up because we had too much Percy filth.
01:23:07I'm right off it, myself.
01:23:09I've been able to walk off buses perfectly normally for the past few weeks.
01:23:13Aw.
01:23:14I expect it's only temporary.
01:23:16I hope not.
01:23:17It's marvellous.
01:23:18Good.
01:23:18I don't fancy you in the slightest now.
01:23:22Thank you, love.
01:23:26Still off the food, I noticed.
01:23:32And we've learned a fantastic amount for the future.
01:23:35Fantastic.
01:23:36For example, say I finally did marry someone like you, only someone I love.
01:23:41I bet I'd now let him wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks every night.
01:23:46In bed a bit.
01:23:48And you'll probably meet some little fatty who's never even heard of Kenny Warhol and marry her three days later.
01:23:59We probably won't see each other at all now, we're pals.
01:24:02I expect you're going to the match this afternoon.
01:24:04Oh, yeah.
01:24:05I'm helping Sandra Packer go in a way case.
01:24:08Where's she going?
01:24:09Hospital.
01:24:09Hospital.
01:24:13Well, we'll bump into each other sometime.
01:24:16Mm-hmm.
01:24:19APPLAUSE
01:24:50Oh, hello, Mrs. Battersby. You won't remember me. Good afternoon, Geoffrey. Oh, um, is, uh, is Beryl there, please? She's gone to the football match. There is no football. It's cricket now. Well, it's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:20It's the same thing.
01:25:27Hi. When's the kick-off?
01:25:43In about three months. Football season's over now, Beryl. Well, what on earth did you want to come for?
01:25:51I forgot. I'm not all that interested these days.
01:25:57Where will you go now, then? I don't know. I could always go inside and practice booing for next season. Where will you? Might go and get a new pair of tights. Hey, it's like the countryside, isn't it, when it's empty? Fancy a stroll in the country? May as well. If you like. Don't mind. Why not?
01:26:19Just as friends. Oh, I meant just as friends. Yeah, I did.
01:26:26Wish we had a ball.
01:26:36Could play shooting in.
01:26:39You could go in goal.
01:26:43Amazing how people change, isn't it?
01:26:48Amazing how people change, isn't it?
01:27:17Well, we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:27:22We'll be even happier with someone else.
01:27:25Anyone, really.
01:27:33There's millions to choose from.
01:27:37All nearly exactly right for us.
01:27:41You'll find someone, Geoffrey.
01:27:43You will, Beryl.
01:27:45Just a matter of keeping your eyes open, really.
01:27:49Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:51Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:54Who can I?
01:27:56Who can I?
01:28:01How are you?
01:28:05What are you?
01:28:07What are you?
01:28:08What are you doing?
01:28:09What are you doing?
01:28:10What are you doing?
01:28:12What are you doing?
01:28:15And you'll find sometimes
01:28:33Love and rainy weather can turn out fine
01:28:38Getting wet together's fun
01:28:41When the crying's dark
01:28:47Love and rainy weather
01:28:51Are followed by the sun
01:28:57Love and rainy weather
01:29:00Love and rainy weather
01:29:05When the crying's dark
01:29:12Love and rainy weather
01:29:16Are followed by the sun
01:29:21Love and rainy weather
01:29:25Love and rainy weather
01:29:41Love and rainy weather
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