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Antoinette called for Supernanny's help the day before her husband died to learn how to raise two kids on her own. Can Jo help this grieving mother & wife with her kids
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00:00Hi, I'm Antoinette Lewis. I'm 40 years old. My husband is Dwight Lewis. He's 45 years old.
00:06We have two children, our daughter Selah, who's two years old, and our son, Christian, five months.
00:13Hey, big guy. How you doing?
00:17Hi.
00:21When I married Dwight, we expected to raise our families and grow together.
00:28You tickling, Daddy?
00:29Hey, don't tickle me.
00:30Okay. I don't tickle you.
00:34Okay. Bye-bye.
00:36Bye-bye.
00:37We found out December 14, 2007, that my husband has gastric cancer.
00:47Okay, don't press too hard on Daddy's stomach, okay?
00:50I had a period of time where, you know, I could just play with them, and I can't do it out of fear of, you know,
00:57accidentally getting kicked in the stomach, but it's absolutely dreadfully painful.
01:03I guess Daddy's supposed to be invincible.
01:05So I made him a promise that I was going to be the happy person that, you know, that he married.
01:11So I'll be right back, okay?
01:13Okay.
01:14Okay.
01:16I welcome you to the memorial service, the celebration of the life of Dwight Lewis.
01:37So I just recently buried my husband, Dwight.
01:40My kids, as well as all the other children around, grew up referring to him as Uncle Dwight.
01:45Uncle Dwight was our first babysitter.
01:48He subnaturally took us away from our tired mother's arms, made us laugh, and made sure we were wanted, loved, and special.
01:56I will always know Dwight Lewis, healed of my friend.
02:06Come on, Mom.
02:07I don't want to fight with you right now, okay?
02:09It's only been a couple of weeks, so I don't really have a lot of time to grieve and shut down.
02:17What are you crying?
02:18Not today.
02:20Today's a good day.
02:22Now I'm facing many concerns regarding raising our children.
02:28I have two babies.
02:29Okay.
02:30Here we go.
02:31I have really big shoes to fill, and I don't know if I can do it.
02:38As a single mother, how do I raise Christian to be a strong man?
02:43No, don't feed him with a drumstick, okay?
02:46Some of my main concerns with Selah is explaining to her that Daddy's not sleeping, that he's actually passed away.
02:54Daddy see it.
02:56You're going to let Daddy see it?
02:57Daddy sees everything, you know.
02:59And then there's the concerns about her future without her father being present.
03:04Selah, why would you do that?
03:07I would like your assistance with establishing a routine.
03:11Mommy's a little sad, that's all.
03:13Isn't that sad?
03:15Yeah, just a little bit.
03:16I need your help.
03:19Please.
03:21Bear in there, Antoinette, because I am going to put you on the right track with making you feel like you can manage and raise your children the way you and Dwight wanted to.
03:45Hi!
03:46Hello!
03:47I'm glad you're back.
03:48Meeting Antoinette was such a beautiful experience.
03:49It just gave me such a lovely, warm embrace.
03:50I think I squeezed her to death.
03:52I was just so relieved to see her.
03:53Hi, Selah.
03:54This is Selah.
03:55This is Selah.
03:56This is Joe.
03:57Hi, Selah.
03:58And how are you?
03:59Hi, Selah.
04:00And how are you?
04:01Oh, thank you.
04:02Lovely.
04:03Oh.
04:04This is not a normal observation day for me.
04:05Where I go in and I step back and objectively look at a family.
04:06There's no way.
04:07I'm hoping that I can really help her with whatever she needs.
04:08This is Kristen.
04:09Hi, Kristen.
04:10Hi, Kristen.
04:11Hi, Kristen.
04:12I'm so relieved to see her.
04:13Hi, Selah.
04:14This is Selah.
04:15This is Joe.
04:16Hi, Selah.
04:17And how are you?
04:18Oh, thank you.
04:19Lovely.
04:20Oh.
04:21This is not a normal observation day for me.
04:24Where I go in and I step back and objectively look at a family.
04:29There's no way.
04:30I'm hoping that I can really help her with whatever she needs.
04:35This is Kristen.
04:36Hi, Kristen.
04:37Hi, Kristen.
04:38Hello.
04:39Hi.
04:40My condolences.
04:43My absolute condolences.
04:45Thank you so much.
04:46And it's an absolute pleasure for me to be here.
04:49I really appreciate it.
04:51Yes.
04:52I'm so happy you're here.
04:57This is our kitchen.
04:59My husband had a thing for stainless steel and kitchen gadgets.
05:03My mom was showing me around the house and she mentioned a task that Dwight hadn't gotten
05:08around to completing before he passed away.
05:10In fact, he didn't finish his project.
05:11We actually have a stainless steel hood range that he hasn't put up yet.
05:16We had so many plans.
05:17You know, how he wanted the kitchen and just lots of things that, you know, Dwight was handling.
05:25This is the main bathroom.
05:27While mom was showing me around the house, she actually mentioned that she's not too sure how much Sailor really understands about her father's death.
05:35She asked for him quite a bit.
05:38I want to wait until a sigh.
05:39Well, we've discussed daddy.
05:41We discussed the fact that he's passed away and that he's in heaven.
05:46And she talks to him and that he watches over her and he'll be with her always.
05:52But I don't know if she quite comprehends that.
05:55You know, like, she'll ask me, when is he coming home?
05:57Mama, where's daddy?
05:59Where's daddy?
06:00Say, where's daddy?
06:01Where's daddy?
06:02What did I tell you daddy was?
06:03Where is he?
06:04The sky.
06:05He's in the sky in heaven.
06:07That's right.
06:08I did take her to the services.
06:10Yeah.
06:11Because I wanted her to see him.
06:13And she saw him.
06:15And she said, daddy, sleeping.
06:18Death is a different concept according to the child's age.
06:21And I really do want to keep it very simple with Sailor because she's only two.
06:26I got you.
06:27I got you, Winnie.
06:29Yeah.
06:30Oh, no.
06:31Aha.
06:32Hold on to Jojo's neck.
06:33That's it.
06:34Very tight.
06:35Ready?
06:36Da-dum.
06:37Where are we going?
06:38Da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, da-dum.
06:40During eight intense months before Dwight passed away, Mum spent a lot of time devoted to Dad.
06:48And I certainly feel that that time has left an impact on Sailor because it's left her slightly playing up a little bit.
06:56Yeah.
06:57Okay.
06:58It's not the end of the world.
06:59Da-dum.
07:00It's not the end of the world.
07:01Da-dum.
07:02It's not the end of the world.
07:03It's not the end of the world.
07:04No.
07:05No.
07:06Sailor.
07:07No.
07:08Just sailor.
07:09It's completely understandable that Mum's exhausted.
07:12She's grieving.
07:13No.
07:14Ah.
07:15Ah.
07:16Ah.
07:17Ah.
07:18But I also realise that it's been challenging for her to discipline.
07:21No.
07:22Ah.
07:23Ah.
07:24Ah.
07:25Ah.
07:26Ah.
07:27Ah.
07:28Ah.
07:29Ah.
07:30Ah.
07:31Ah.
07:32Ah.
07:33Ah.
07:34Ah.
07:35Ah.
07:36Ah.
07:46Ah.
07:47Ah.
07:48buried her husband and when i observe i'm going to be looking for ways that i can immediately help
07:53this family you know as the day went on sailor was becoming increasingly difficult and it did
08:04take its toll on mum have you found yourself in a pattern of not really going out much i haven't
08:10been going out a lot no it's i mean i'm getting better i have a double stroller you do know the
08:17importance of it yeah i'm so sorry for what for feeling i wasn't supposed to be by myself
08:34and i'm just not doing it very well i'm not doing it very well i'm doing probably the bare minimum
08:43of everything so much stuff i have to deal with you know i gotta turn in his car i gotta
08:50it's such a laundry list of stuff you're like if i just don't do it maybe i can just stop everything
08:55in time yeah i really just want to be in bed and pull the covers over my head
09:04it's really what i want to do it's normal behavior for a person who's grieving
09:10to slightly withdraw from the world but with two kids i mean mum just can't do that so i'm gonna
09:17help her pull through this i think i'm supposed to be out more i think i'm supposed to be
09:25more active i felt that one thing i could do was to help mum get out just a little bit so she could
09:32reconnect with her friends who could support her yes when was the when was the last time the kids
09:39ate it's what time now it's just gone seven oh see i've kind of lost track of time today after being
09:47cooped up in the house all day it started to get really late and the kids hadn't even eaten i mean
09:53there was no set schedule really mum decided to give the kids a bath and then she sat them down to
10:00eat i thought it's rather late actually i'm taking care of them i'm feeding them i'm bathing them
10:10is it structured no when the children had been put to bed mum was absolutely depleted and i just really
10:20wanted to go home and give this woman a chance to get some sleep so that i could come back tomorrow
10:26and talk to her about what she needed from me and what i knew i could do for her to help her
10:32want a big hug i really feel that she was placed in my life to help me and i'm gonna utilize everything
10:40that she has to offer i really need her help and i'm so glad she's here to help me
10:55let's start off with saying that you and i have been brought together by a very special man in your life
11:04and in his honor we are going to discuss and talk about the things that i feel right now would benefit
11:19you what i've noticed is that with the children there isn't any set routine okay the importance of
11:30a routine is to create structure and a framework that allow healthy eating patterns sleeping patterns
11:40play creativity nurture and together what we're going to do is to create a routine to give the kids
11:49that okay it's okay to recognize that you don't have the answers right now no i don't but it doesn't
11:56mean that you can't start that laundry list that you have spinning around in your head i'm gonna
12:03help you do that i'm gonna help you start to recognize where it can wait where it can't wait let's
12:10talk about how we keep dwight's legacy going as your kids start to grow up from the toddler years
12:17you'll be able to tell so many stories and what we're going to do is put a system in place okay
12:23you'll build those memories that legacy you'll create traditions that's how you keep dwight's memory and
12:32spirit alive
12:36the one huge
12:39situation here is that you are dealing with the loss of your husband and the children's father
12:45we can't feel that hole biologically dwight is christian and sailor's father but you have men in your
12:55life who will be a presence and an influence in your children's lives who are very close to dwight yes
13:04and you will be a mum who will do exactly what the pair of you would have done together that's what i want
13:10it is all about you okay okay because your kids need you and you need you okay so where do we start
13:21come here give me a hug give me a hug
13:23you know i was eager to get working with antoinette but i knew first off i had to work with her
13:38in releasing some stuff antoinette we're going to the park because we're going to take care of some
13:45necessary business okay we've got the kids over at the neighbors right yes all right so let's go
13:49i thought we were just gonna enjoy the outdoor weather but i should have known better joe had
13:57something else in mind mom's going through the process of of grief and at the moment she's
14:04extremely angry because too frightening to think if you did let go to your feelings would you lose
14:10control we're in this park we've got no kids around us we've got nothing to think of right now at this
14:18moment but what's necessary and what's necessary is for you to get a load off your chest that you've
14:27just been suppressing suppressing suppressing all those things that you're angry with
14:34if you're angry turn out and say i'm angry i'm angry why because they love me then say it get it off your chest girl
14:42because they love me and i have to do this all by myself it's not fair that's right why is it not fair
14:50because we i finally got it i got what a relationship was supposed to be i got what a teamwork was supposed
14:58to be we were team lewis we had our whole lives planned out and and now i have to create a new plan
15:07i can't without him
15:13good
15:23i waited so long to get married and to have kids and why couldn't have had more time
15:32i feel like my life was stolen from me
15:48it was a good thing we went to the park today she needed that emotional outlet to get that anger
15:55off her chest and to release the feelings that she's been bottling up since dwight passed away
16:05we sat in this park shout cry scream
16:14you're still here
16:15and the sun is still shining bet you feel bad for it i actually do
16:25i do feel better i didn't realize how much of my own emotions i had bottled up and kind of shelved
16:35it felt good to be sad it felt good to acknowledge that i was angry joe made that okay for me
16:43she made it okay for me to grieve yeah it was one of the toughest things i've ever done in my life
16:54but it felt good after you done it it definitely did
17:01you know once mom had released all that pent-up emotion i knew that we needed to work on the kids
17:08it was important that we establish a routine what we're going to start off with first is creating
17:13the cornerstones of your routine so sleep feeding playing the times the kids go to bed and the times
17:22that they get up so what time do we have christian getting up about seven seven okay having a routine
17:31i could free some time up for it it would give her the stability and the framework that would very
17:36much serve her and her family i like it i really like it mom had spent so much of her time devoted
17:45to dwight before he passed away i knew that it was important that we establish a refresher course on
17:51baby care tips and the first one was how to give a bottle to six month old christian just look at the
17:57milk the more you raise it the more you feel so you don't allow any air pockets so the less bubbles
18:04you can create in that bottle the less he's swallowing oh okay that's it you got it when you get to the
18:11end sometimes they get a little bit fidgety and they don't anymore sometimes i tap on the bottle and
18:17they look and they're listening and they're looking at your finger tapping and naturally they just keep
18:21sucking the second step was how to burp a baby properly you know like this kind of feeling
18:27it's like that you know it won't be hurting him you know that right rub here between will really
18:34help bring it up very good and finally i gave her some tips on how to make formula what i would like
18:43you to do is to make the bottles up and then put them in the fridge because there's so much time
18:47faffing around making them up and you can warm it up in in a hot saucepan of water she's giving me an
18:53incredible amount of advice and it's working it's working
19:01no doubt the child care tips have come in handy for her but since dwight's passed away there have
19:06been so many chores now that have stacked up that it's overwhelming for mum right now
19:11the mill the bills everything i've just kind of like left it it's overwhelming you'll write down your
19:18list onto our little washing rags here okay i came up with a simple way of helping her prioritize
19:26what needs to be sorted right now and the things that you're not ready to do right now
19:31you're throwing one basket and the things that you think you know what i'm going to get that done over
19:36the next couple of weeks you put in this one and you will do it when you're ready to do it okay so
19:43uh thank you cards is that something you want to get done over the next couple of weeks i started on
19:50it and then it became really emotional for me so let's leave it okay i have to figure out what to do
19:59with the cars because i don't need two cars but dwight's is kind of cool dwight's is cool
20:05mom was very pleased to see the laundry basket it was like a load literally off of her mind
20:13whacking it down throwing it into the baskets getting a little bit of organization going on up
20:18here gives her a little bit more clarity gotta change the names from the utilities when dwight was
20:24alive he dealt with all the bills and house management and quite frankly this is the first
20:28thing that mum's going to have to learn to deal with by herself just to keep her head above water
20:33school for the kids or not it's nice to have it written down so now it's in those two baskets
20:41i know where it is and you know and i can pick it up or not pick it up jell's giving me a tool to
20:48just deal with it just in doses small doses and that's what i'm gonna try to do hey that's another
20:53thing done huh yep mom's really making progress with her parenting techniques however she's still
21:10worried about keeping dwight's memory alive and worried that the kids are not going to have
21:16a male role model around what's at the door i don't know who is it i wanted to show mom that she
21:24already has men in her life hi oh my god rolling who is a very dear friend and actually introduced
21:34dwight and antoinette together and ron who's a very close neighbor it's not the case of trying to
21:41replace dwight but actually having people around close friends you know of dwight's who loved him
21:49dearly they'll be able to tell you know sailor and christian stories about their dad and be very much
21:56a male presence in sailor and christian's life i really believe that you know daughters and sons
22:04require a male presence to shape them as young adults and will you guys help me raise my children
22:13absolutely absolutely that's what friends are for we're looking forward very much being part of
22:19her lives it's important to us you know dwight was our friend as well as antoinette okay
22:23mom seemed really overwhelmed with the men's willingness to help and so i thought what i would
22:39do is explain to them about a little chore that needed fixing that mama told me about on the first
22:45day i met her you said to me that there was something in that kitchen that has not been done you mean the
22:52the range hood the range hood yeah that's a really big project really well why don't we go ahead and
22:59tackle that and see if we can take care of that little problem for you wow okay whilst the men worked
23:06on the range hood i took mom and the kids out to the park for the first time since i've arrived
23:12when we came back from the park i was eager to show mom that dwight's friends are more than willing to
23:36help out with tasks that dwight would have done the way you got it oh my god dwight would be so proud this
23:45is awesome there was a tremendous amount of joy i think for her and knowing that her friends were
23:50going to be here to go ahead and do something that she was so anxious to see done i can't replace
23:57the way but i can surround my children with strong male images that they can draw on that can help
24:05shape who they are as individuals so now that mom knows where help is i want to help her keep dwight's
24:19light burning with fond memories so i made a picture book for sailor sailor look at all the pictures
24:28wow that's daddy and she's like that's daddy you know and she was so excited wow wow wow who is that
24:40we've got photo albums with photos in there but they're so precious
24:44and we're very cautious the fact that two-year-olds don't really understand that importance it's a
24:50great photo but get sticky or get ripped whereas now sailor has her own special little book that
24:56she can take to bed with her or in the car with her or any way she wants to do with her and that's the
25:02day we got married i call that his gq culture daddy was very handsome next thing i did to help record
25:11the celebration of dwight's life was to introduce her to the video legacies i have a video recorder
25:21oh okay when i first met you said to me i'm so scared i'm scared that i'm gonna forget i'm scared
25:29that these kids are not gonna know who their father was it's gonna be legacy if there's gonna be memories
25:35that there's gonna be anything that reminds them of their father they're gonna receive it from me
25:43you're going to tell those magnificent stories and it's going to be recorded on here being able to
25:49create this video legacy really allows mom to tell stories and for her to really capture through her
25:56story telling the essence of who dwight was and you very much are going to keep his spirit alive
26:08i'm going away for three days so while i'm gone cry and laugh have some fun with the kids
26:15it's going to be really difficult for me to go away for a few days but i guess no time
26:21is a good time really and they're gonna have to learn to do this without me okay it's gonna be the
26:26longest three days of my life but okay even though she won't physically be with me over the next three
26:32days i'm pretty sure i will hear joe speaking to me in my head every time i do something i pray
26:40antoinette will do really well and if she doesn't then i'm going to be back there straight away
26:45after three days away i am very excited to show antoinette the progress that she's made from the
26:56first time i met her to now are you ready to take a look at this dvd yes yes you are no yes no no yes
27:07i think i did okay but i'm not sure all right so let's take a look at the first clip come on mama
27:12don't want to fight with you right now okay okay sayla it's not important don't worry about the tape
27:24that kind of day
27:32i just i just never expected to do all this by myself
27:36how's that feel watching that it's emotional because i'm looking at that and i look exhausted
27:46i look worn out i kind of out of it and i really you know thought i was handling it a lot better
27:53i can see the grief i can see the sadness i'm just coming around okay
28:03oh my goodness look at that front row seat
28:08as i'm pushing you i want you to push your legs out straighten them out out and then bend them in hey
28:16look at them looking at the swing good job mommy loves it when you listen to her okay don't you feel
28:25good i feel good i feel good that's great okay so we had a good day today so you get some rest okay
28:36and tomorrow we do it all over again
28:38i did it honey you would be so proud unbelievable oh wow seriously antoine i salute you that was you
28:52i know that was you that was me you have got your kids listening to you
29:00you have them on a schedule where they're going to bed at the right time eating encouragement playing
29:09you've got some focus you've got things in order i feel really good so we're going to take a look
29:15at the naughty chair oh pick up the brown cap i know you're not painting on the rug
29:22i know you just didn't do that go sit in the chair
29:30yeah you can get that go ahead so i'm just going to break this down for you with a naughty
29:45chair okay you know there's a reason why each step is there i forgot the hugger and tell her
29:50i apologize and hug her yeah exactly i didn't follow through yeah but hey i mean seriously it's
29:58just a matter of remembering that when we think about what we have achieved you're going to get
30:03that like that as well you know all right let's take a look at the next piece of footage here okay
30:10we are going to be looking at video legacy
30:16your father and i have been dating for about five months or so so i remember getting home
30:24changing clothes and i get this call from dwight and dwight says look i need to see you i need to see
30:30you right away i need to see you right now i'm driving to his house and i'm thinking oh this is it it's over
30:38we're not going to be together anymore it's not meant to be and i get there and he says you know i've never
30:47had anything like this that that's been all in my life all the time like that and now
30:55i can't live without it so will you be my wife i was like absolutely
31:02look at you so tell me how did it feel during the video legacy you know at first it felt a little
31:09strange you know but but i i like the idea i liked it a lot and of course sailor is going to grow up and
31:15christian and they're going to want to hear the stories again mommy again again so the beginning
31:20of this is uncomfortable or kind of weird that it felt will be something that you'll become very used
31:25to let me just take you back very briefly to two weeks ago okay and none of this was going on full
31:33stop none of this you know you should be so proud of yourself right now antoinette
31:41i am proud oh there's there's very few times that i'm lost for words
31:51that's unbelievable it really is because of you so today
31:57today today i think i'll surprise you i've been going with you all alone i'm ready exactly
32:05all right good that's what we're doing amazing amazing
32:11on our last day together i had two surprises for mum the first was two video legacies that i'd asked
32:18dwight's friends to record let's take a look at this this message is for all of you guys sailor christian
32:27antrenette the first video legacy was from a much loved family friend named don i'm gonna talk a
32:33little bit about my friend sailor when you were born he was so excited he went out and bought 250 dresses
32:41i mean not just play dresses sunday dresses sundresses we're talking gown type dresses you weren't even
32:52a month old and the christian when your dad got ill they gave him six months to live it was assumed that
33:01he wouldn't be around to see you born well fella he was determined to hold you in his arms and caress his son
33:11you guys were the apple of his eye you gave him joy
33:18oh gosh dwight lewis my good friend no doubt he would like to be here seeing
33:26you two kids growing up there's no question about that but he never felt
33:32shorted he never felt that god
33:35took something away from him rather he felt that god had given him
33:38an amazing gift he got the woman of his dreams he got to see the birth of his daughter
33:44and a few months before god took him home he got to see the birth of his son
33:49he considered himself a very very blessed man
33:52as you sailor and christian grow up you know you will always have a bit of your dad shining through
33:59you there she is doing her own video camera for the kids and now she has two additional pieces to add
34:07there's your keepsake box so that you can start putting your memories in there okay i felt a sense of
34:16relief that they are going to know about their father he's not going to be you know some picture
34:22some entity that they can't connect with through all these stories that people have given me
34:29they will know their father i really love it
34:39and for my second surprise i took this whole family to the park where i had a big surprise laid
34:46out for them a party is not a party unless you have those that are close to you right and those that
34:51care and those that support you yeah so here they are just then i had all of mom's friends
34:59and family members come out from around the corner oh my god
35:06these are the people who care and love you and your family oh this is so good and they're here to
35:16celebrate today hey today i bring you in front of your community so they can show you
35:43how much you mean to them dwight was very much a loved person and each and every one of her
35:51neighbors wanted to contribute wanted to show her that they cared i'm going to be a listening ear
35:57whenever you need to talk i would love to clean your house oh my god our place to use to keep the cars
36:04clean i'm pledging to cook for you i want to offer my babysitting services so we're going to do a family
36:10vacation we set up the dwight lewis memorial fund wow okay each one of those neighbors came forth
36:20and being able to contribute a large piece of their time in being able to support and lend that
36:28helping hand to antoinette can i first and foremost say that it has been an absolute honor for myself
36:36to me antoinette and her family this woman over a period of two weeks has just shown an amazing
36:45an amazing strength she really has i know dwight was certainly a man with a plan and i know
36:54antoinette that he would be he would be so proud of you i believe that there's so much
37:02more of this lady that we've not even discovered yet i love you it was nice to leave her today with
37:11her neighborhood you know it's nice to leave her with the friends who love her dearly who were there
37:18to support her today she turned around and she said to me it's going to be all right that's the difference
37:24big difference i love you take care darling all right take care of yourself joe has given me confidence
37:34given me the ability to just be a better parent a better mother can you give me a hug thank you joe
37:41i will never ever forget you oh dear she understands that only time will make things a little bit easier
37:52but the rest she's taken ownership of and she's got that underneath her belt bye everybody take care enjoy
37:59bye bye thank you bye
38:29bye
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