- 6 months ago
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00:00Okay, you guys ready? Three, two, one.
00:04Hi. I know what you're thinking. Hey, didn't you just go blonde like yesterday? And yes,
00:15I did. And I was very, very ready to stay blonde for a minute because I truly feel my best when
00:21I'm blonde. It's easy, especially in the summertime because you don't have to worry about swimming or
00:26keeping the color up. However, we are still not able to go to salons to get our hair done. And
00:33my blonde is reaching a point of offensive. If it wasn't so harsh, I feel like I could get away with
00:41it just being a really long balayage vibe, but it's just really bothering me. And I also decided
00:47that if there's ever a time to try a hair color that you're afraid of, it's now because I'm not
00:53really shooting stuff anymore. I only have one music video left. I've been wanting to do green
00:57for a very, very long time. And I figure now is the time to do it because A, I can't keep up with
01:05my blonde right now. B, I wish so, so desperately that I could get my hair professionally done. But
01:12Guy, Guy Tang is a friend of mine and he gave me some hair dye for me to do it myself. He told me how
01:19to mix it. I've been dying to try green hair. The first time I was ever with Guy Tang, he was like,
01:25let's do green, let's do green. And I was like, okay, yeah, I'll try green. And I've never done it.
01:28So now we're going to do it, but I want like a deep foresty emerald green. So he gave me his green
01:36aurora and he gave me purple raven to mix into it, to make it a little bit deeper. That in of itself
01:42is stressing me out that all of this responsibility is on me to mix the proper colors.
01:49It actually looks pretty dark, but I know that it doesn't stay that dark. Here's the purple. He said
01:54to use a tiny, tiny bit. I don't have hair supplies, but I do have art supplies. One little dot. That was
02:00a big dot. I don't know. I never know. I also considered trying to bleach my own hair and get to
02:09blonde myself. And that to me just feels too scary because that's not a color that you can correct.
02:15That's like your hair's damaged. He said to test it like, huh? I also almost went back to brown,
02:24but then I was like, already. Okay. So my hands are for sure going to stain badly. I actually have
02:30a billion pairs of gloves and I can't find any of them. Quite a bit more of the purple. I feel like
02:34nobody realizes what a great friend Guy Tang is. Like, yes, he's a very talented hair artist.
02:42Obviously, he makes his own products and has his own empire, but he's such a good friend. He's just
02:48that guy who will always reach out and let you know you're doing great and cheering you on. He
02:53downloads, like, buys all of my music. He, like, shows my music out at his hair shows and he just
02:58really is so supportive and kind and cares so much about everybody. He also makes music. People don't
03:03know that and I really admire him for following his passions as well because it's not easy, especially
03:09when you're in this space. I obviously understand. People want you to stay in your own lane and
03:13they're like, you can't do that. You're a YouTuber. You can't do that. You're a hairstylist. So when
03:17anybody just does what they want to do, regardless of what everybody else is saying, I just look at
03:22them and I'm like, damn, I'm proud of you. And he tells me all the time how proud he is of me.
03:26A little more purple. Worried I'm going a little too dark, but damn it, I went too far. And it stains.
03:33Okay. We know for sure now. We already knew, but now we like, no. Let's try that again. I'm going
03:39to have a lot of different versions of this color here, which is good. We want variations. What I
03:45end up doing every time I try to mix colors is I end up mixing three bowls that look exactly the
03:50same. Yeah. Like those are the same exact. What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Okay. This is
03:55what I got. A very deep green. I have a slightly less deep green, the deepest of the green,
04:02and then the brightest of the green, just a little bit of it. Cause I'm going to add a little bit of
04:06those highlights in because that one's super, super, super vibrant. And I think that's a little
04:10bit too jokeresque for me. I feel like whenever I feel kind of an energy shift or in the universe,
04:18sounds so ridiculous. Whenever I start feeling like a different person, I know that sounds kind
04:23of weird, but whenever I start feeling that way, it helps me to change my appearance in some way,
04:27just to just jumpstart the process. I don't know. Oh, I can tell you guys,
04:32I've been keeping it a secret because the charts aren't out yet, but by the time you see this,
04:35the charts will be out. My EP made it on billboard. That's so cool. I know I'm very low
04:41energy about it right now because I've already expended all of my excitement over the last
04:46couple of days. I genuinely just didn't expect it to the point where I already wrote it off in my
04:52head and told myself that that wasn't going to happen. I don't trust this.
04:55Whatever. That's a good way to go into it. I said, Gabby, you have to accept the fact
05:04that things are different right now. You've lost a lot of support. Your numbers are down,
05:08your engagement's down. You kind of just have to accept the fact that your music isn't going to
05:13perform the way you're used to it performing and you're starting over and you're going to build.
05:18Because the thing is I've charted billboard before. Medicaid was on billboard. Two-way mirror was
05:22on billboard. Out Loud was on billboard. Honestly was billboard. It's always scary to go backwards.
05:27I'm somebody who always wants to be progressing. Everything I put out, I want to be able to say
05:31this is better than my last. I want to say I worked harder this time. I work smarter. I'm just
05:34realizing what an obscene amount of hair dye I have in front of me right now for how little hair I have.
05:40So yeah, I had like fully prepared myself and accepted the fact that I most likely was not going
05:46to chart. I told myself this EP is a stepping stone. You're going to put out these feelings that you
05:51haven't spoken and that you're not going to speak because that's the choice that I made. I want to
05:57be the person who communicates through my music, period. That's all I want. So when I put out the
06:01music videos and I saw that the views were low, obviously it stings. As far as my regular YouTube
06:05content, if it doesn't get views, I'm sort of like not that phased by it. But when it comes to my music
06:10videos, you know, I put a lot of time and money, love and passion and work into those. So if it doesn't
06:15do well, it's sad. And then looking at that, I'm like, okay, for sure you're not going to chart because
06:20if nobody's even looking for it on YouTube, nobody cares about you anymore. And that's been my biggest
06:26thing. Are you going to have to give up your dream? Is this something that's no longer attainable for
06:32you? Because for so long, my music was one thing that I've always been so confident in. This is what
06:37you're meant to do. This is where the people want you to put your time and energy. This is what
06:42everything has led up to starting a Vine account, making a YouTube channel, writing your book to writing
06:47music, to making more music, to making more music, to writing another book, to writing more music.
06:51All of this has led up to this moment, you know, that fear and anxiety of it being taken away from
06:57me and not, I don't know. I think I'm being repetitive and that's what happens when you
07:01try to have a conversation while ruining your own hair. But what I'm trying to say is when it worked out
07:08and it charted, oh, by the way, I know that I charted because Billboard emails you. If anybody's
07:13wondering how the fuck I know and the chart's not out yet, they email you because they need
07:17information for the charts, like your distributor, shit like that. The place that this EP came from
07:24was a place of total darkness. I've never been closer in my life to giving up on something
07:31because I'm not somebody who quits. I'm not somebody who bends easily to adversity. In fact,
07:37I'd like to think that I tend to strive in adversity. This time around, I was just f***ing
07:43so tired and it felt like I reached a place finally where I felt like I had just done the
07:49Patreon assembly. I was focusing so much more onto music. My channel was doing okay again. The
07:54subscriber loss had slowed down or I think for a minute stopped entirely and it felt like I was
08:00getting my life back. When I talk about losing subscribers and it being stressful and upsetting,
08:04it's not because, oh my God, like all these unsubscribers, I want subscribers. It's more
08:09about what it implicates and what it means. And when I see myself losing subscribers or followers,
08:16what I see isn't f***, I'm not going to be a YouTuber anymore. What I see is I need this to be
08:22successful in music. And that's kind of the fear that I've been living in for a while. How can I
08:26possibly make it in music without this platform and without the support here? My friends and stuff who
08:32aren't in the industry, there's like, it's just followers. Like, why do you care? And I'm like,
08:36it's not just followers. It's record labels look at you and they say, hey, you're losing a lot of
08:41subscribers. Like this isn't somebody that I want to invest in because it looks like people are already
08:45moving on. Or YouTube stops serving your videos because they recognize your channel as something
08:50that people are not interested anymore. So now your videos stop getting served. So again,
08:54like hitting billboard, having pretty much no YouTube support, like they won't trend my videos
08:59anymore. The day I put out Broken Girls was the day everything happened, like an hour after I put
09:03out my music video and my music video was trending. And then it was taken off of trending. And then I've
09:10never trended again. And I've never had, I think actually maybe once a random video trended for a
09:16minute. And then none of my music videos ever trended again. So that's been upsetting, just not having
09:21that type of support. But again, that's why it makes it so much more amazing that I'm on billboard
09:28because I had no help. Like I did it by my f***ing self. And it feels really good to be able to say
09:34that. And it also gave me this newfound confidence and faith that I've never had, which is you don't
09:40need YouTube to make it in music. You can do it on your talent. You can do it on your merit. You can do
09:46it because people care what you have to say. And I'm so excited for the album, guys. Holy s***.
09:51That album was in the works since I put out Out Loud. I put out Out Loud and the album was already
09:58started. And then I put out singles. And then I put out another single. And then I put out another
10:02single. And then I put out an EP. And it's like, okay, I'll get to the album. I had planned to release
10:07it this year. And then that's when everything happened with the shutdown. And it's like, okay,
10:12I can't put out an album not having support. Like I need to be able to shoot the music videos. I need to
10:17be able to take meetings with PR and labels. I need to be able to do press. And I need to be able
10:21to actually promote it. Like I'm not Katy Perry or Taylor Swift or, you know, a big artist who can
10:26just put out a project and no matter what, it's going to do well. Like I need help. I'm independent.
10:31So I wrote special. And then I had started the concept of bad karma right after Two Way Mirror.
10:38And I was like, eh, I'm over this era. I don't want to write this song. But I've always loved that
10:41concept. It was actually started because it felt like every time I would get out of a relationship,
10:47it was a toxic boyfriend. I realized I was dating previous versions of myself. And I feel like the
10:53universe has a really interesting way of communicating with me. Yes, I do believe the
10:57universe is communicating with me. So that's what bad karma was actually originally about dating past
11:02versions of myself. And then with each one, I would grow. And then I kind of just transformed it
11:07to fit what I was feeling now. So then I had bad karma and special. The plan was I was going to put
11:12out two singles. That was kind of it. Like I was going to put out two singles and then work on the
11:15album. But then my publishers were like, you're a singer and like your poetry is essentially lyrics.
11:21Do you want to put out a song to promote the book? And I was like, right now I have so much music that
11:25I'm still sitting on. I don't want to keep writing songs. But then I was like, but Dandelion is such a
11:30good concept for a song. So then I wrote Dandelion. So then I do my photo shoot with Hawk for bad karma
11:38before everything shut down. I was just so inspired by that photo shoot to write Glass House. So I was like,
11:43okay, I'm going to write Glass House or rather finish Glass House. I'd already started it. I
11:48finished it. And then shut down. And I was like, how fun would it be to write a song over FaceTime
11:55and record it on an iPhone? I wrote Happy because I wanted a song on there that shows where I am now
12:01because the whole EP is pretty dark for the most part. I wanted to tell the full story of this time
12:07period of my life. And a big part of it was meeting the love of my life, finding some light
12:13in the darkness. And he really, truly pulled me from the darkness and was just here for me by my
12:19side. We'd started dating maybe three months before everything really went wild. And that's such a make
12:26or break time in the relationship. And it would have been very easy for him to say like, hey, this is a
12:31lot of drama and chaos. It's a lot to handle right now. And I'm sorry, but I just can't handle it.
12:35And I was fully prepared for that. And he did it. He wanted to be there. He put me first always.
12:44Not letting myself get emotional in this video. I have this period of time where my defenses are up
12:50and my walls are up and I won't let anybody in. And I just act like nothing's bothering me. And who
12:53cares? F*** it. And everybody knows I'm lying. Then I just finally let it all out. And I feel like
13:00that's what's been happening to me the last couple of weeks is all of the pent up pain.
13:05That I've been swallowing is finally coming out. And my anxiety has reached a really, really bad
13:11point. I'm very, very, very excited about the book though. I finally finished Letters to Strangers.
13:16That's the Barnes and Noble edition. And b***h. The thing with writing is it does so much for me
13:23emotionally, spiritually, mentally, but it takes me a long time to get to the place where I can write.
13:30I tend to avoid the difficult parts until the very last moments. For example, Letters to Strangers is a
13:37very, very intense read. I just sob while I'm writing. It's really painful and emotionally draining.
13:46And I just sob and sob and sob. This seems a little too dark. That's okay. We're going to pretend like
13:51it's not scary. And I haven't even started the memoir portion of it yet because I know that that's
13:57going to be the most difficult for me. I kind of threw myself into it without fully absorbing
14:02what that meant. Telling stories about my life and my childhood and my family and relationships as an
14:07adult that have been my best kept secret. So it's really scary. I don't want to obviously upset
14:14anybody in my family. I've already spoken to them about it, obviously. You know, I talked to my dad
14:18and I asked him how he felt about it. What my dad said was obviously, it's not my favorite thing,
14:23you know, but you know that I would never, what did he say exactly? It was so nice. Basically,
14:30I understand the importance of artistic expression. And if it's something you feel you need to do,
14:34then I support you. And that was really meaningful and powerful to me, especially knowing that like
14:40my dad is an artist. And then my mom, she was a little bit less receptive and supportive of my dad,
14:46I would say, but she definitely didn't try to talk me out of it or guilt me in any way,
14:51which I did appreciate a lot. Who wants to bet that when I rinse all this dye out,
14:56that it's going to look like one solid color? Oh, this could either be a great idea or a terrible
15:03idea because I'm shooting this special music video. Actually, I don't even know when.
15:08Hawk does this thing where when he's directing something for me or like planning something for
15:13me, he just disappears. And at first it concerned me. Like the first time and second time we worked
15:20together, I was like, what's going on? Like he'll literally sometimes not answer my texts for like
15:25a long time. And I'm like, Oh my God, is he stuck? Is it not going to happen? And then he'll hit me up
15:31and just have the whole thing like fleshed out. He's like, okay, here's exactly what we're doing.
15:36So I know that when he's not answering me, it's because he's working. And I really love that about
15:41him. I love him in general. He's my favorite person I've ever worked with. Not even just in terms of
15:48like direction and music video production. He's my favorite person to work with. He's so creative
15:54and talented, but he also is an amazing collaborator and listens. When it comes to my music videos and
15:59stuff, I don't have patience when people tell me like, no, I don't want to do it that way. Because
16:05if I hire you to do something like in terms of a video that I want, I'm hiring you because I want
16:10you to make my vision come to life. I don't want you to like fight me on it. So he just like does what
16:14I'm asking, but in the best way possible. Oh my God. I remember the day he called me about bad
16:19karma and special. And he had said like, basically, Hey, like, I just don't know if I can do it. And
16:25I was like, what do you mean? You don't know if you can do it. And he was like, you know,
16:27with the limitations and stuff, I don't ever like making stuff. If I can't guarantee that it's going
16:33to be amazing. And I was like, what are you nervous about? And I basically said to him, no matter what
16:38these music videos, aren't going to be anything that we'd prefer because we're limited. But if I
16:45have a chance at making it as special and amazing as it can be, it's with you. And then after I said
16:53that he pulled out sticky notes and diagrams, basically entire music videos mapped out where
16:59he's like, okay, well, listen, this is what I was thinking. And I was like, you have all this stuff
17:03planned out and you're stressed. This is an incredible. I plan on working with him forever
17:07on everything. As long as he will work with me. Same with the girls, like Ellie and Alina. When I
17:11got the email about billboard, the first thing I did was call Peyton, obviously. And then I called
17:17my sister and then I called Alina because bad karma, the entire EP is as much Alina as it is me.
17:25Alina pours her heart and soul into everything she does. Let me go rinse my fingers. Okay. Note to
17:30self. This dye is a lot more intense than the magenta because my fingers were not this stained
17:36when I did magenta. So that's a little nerve wracking. I've worked with a lot of producers
17:41and a lot of times producers will try to make the song the way they want it. And that works for a lot
17:49of people. But with somebody like me, I want a lot of control over the sound. And Alina always
17:57takes it there with me. Always. Outside of just being an incredible collaborator, she's an amazing
18:02friend. So Ellie too. I'm not discounting Ellie at all because she's amazing. Trying to put this EP
18:07together, I was a mess. And I would literally be at the mic getting like irritated and frustrated
18:12and worked up and trying to pretend like I wasn't having an anxiety attack. And then I'd break down
18:16and sit in the bathroom and sob and hyperventilate. And they just were there. I just really appreciate
18:22both those girls a lot. I have incredible friends. I have truly, truly incredible friends who
18:26have supported me from the start and just continue to inspire me in every way. And everybody in my
18:32life right now is the reason I'm here. For real. And now my hair is f***ing green. Next time you see
18:43me, I'm gonna be Joker. Who honestly I feel like sometimes. Okay, you guys ready? Three, two, one.
18:50What do we think? I'll tell you what I think. Well, first let me know what you think. Like the video,
18:58comment on it. Tell me what you think about my hair. I think it turned out pretty f***ing great,
19:03to be honest, for doing it myself and really not knowing what I'm doing at all. Okay, we're over
19:09here now. Is this my favorite color I've ever had? No. Do I look at it and say, oh, that's your color?
19:15Like when I looked at magenta, I was like, oh, that's your f***ing color. But I feel really excited
19:19by it. I feel like it's fun and different and exciting. And every time I change my look like
19:24this, I just get reinvigorated and excited and it pulls me out of a funk. And I've been in a funk.
19:30I've been very emotional. And I feel like this was just a fun, exciting thing to do to shake me out
19:35of it. And it's cool. It's a color I've always wanted to try. I mean, here we are. What do we think?
19:43What do we think? I think it's f***ing sick. It's like Joker, but make it less hot. Right?
19:48I feel like I should have styled it. Should I go style it really quick? Okay. And ha. By style it,
19:54I meant make it flatter and worse. But that's what I do every day. So I guess it makes sense.
19:58Can you feel my energy change? People always stay. The difference between the beginning of this video
20:06and now is just huge. It's why I love changing my hair or just doing something to shake myself up
20:12every once in a while. Because that's just what I got to do. I need to...
20:15Anyways. Thank you so much for watching. Let me know what you think about the hair. Thank you so
20:21much, Guy, for giving me both the dye and the guidance and for being an amazing friend. This
20:26is this week's show supper of the week. Am I still doing this? I guess I am. I don't know. Thank you
20:29so much for all your support. I love you so much. These are my patrons, my top two tiers. Thank you
20:34so much to all of you for all of your lovely and dying support. Special music video coming out
20:40soon. If you haven't downloaded, bought, streamed my EP, Bad Karma. It's linked down below. So is my
20:47book available for pre-order down below. And as always, I love you very much. Thank you for
20:51being a part of my family and I'll see you next time.
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