- 24/07/2025
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00:00Santa, I don't care if I have been naughty.
00:02Get back on that sleigh and bring me the flick knives I asked for.
00:07Woolworths have revealed what was this season's top stocking filler.
00:10Winona Ryder.
00:30Dead ringers.
00:33We have travelled far, following a bright star shining in the east,
00:37carrying gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh for the newborn king.
00:42So, bargain hunters, let's see what the blue team have bought.
00:46Gold, very nice too.
00:48Note the patina.
00:49Frankincense could be attractive to the right buyer.
00:52But what about myrrh?
00:53Well, I'm not so sure, as no-one in the entire world has any idea what this is.
00:59Yeah, could be a doffer.
01:01And so, will it verily come to pass that when the goods go to auction,
01:04they'll make some money?
01:05What do you think?
01:06That really would be a miracle.
01:09Still, you're bound to do better than the red team of shepherds.
01:12All they bought was sheep.
01:15You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot.
01:18Happy Christmas, you arse.
01:19I pray God it's your last.
01:21More on that story later.
01:23So, the world remains on tenterhooks this week
01:26as we await the final reaction to a 12,000-page document.
01:29A document that was written, of course,
01:31by eight-year-old Jimmy Meadows of Helmelhenson.
01:34Yes, Jimmy's 12,000-page letter to Santa,
01:37asking for a PlayStation 2,
01:39was delivered both to the UN headquarters in New York
01:42and Santa's headquarters in the North Pole a few weeks ago.
01:45But it now seems that whatever the UN decides,
01:48Santa will reject the document as being fatally flawed.
01:51Joining me in the studio is one of Santa's closest allies,
01:56the Prime Minister.
01:56Nice to be here, Kirsty.
01:58Tinsel forehead, Christmas tree underpants,
02:00chestnuts roasting on an open hand gesture.
02:03You know, Whitehall has got to verify the key issue
02:05as to whether or not Little Jimmy has been naughty or nice.
02:09And clearly, this document has a number of glaring omissions.
02:12Most noticeably, there is no reference to the wedgie
02:14that Little Jimmy gave Kevin on his birthday.
02:17I'm actually going to have to interrupt you there, Prime Minister,
02:20as it seems we can now go live to the North Pole
02:23where their president, Santa, is holding a press conference.
02:27My fellow North Poleians,
02:28we have studied Little Jimmy's dossier carefully
02:31and we cannot accept it.
02:33He has been naughty, not nice.
02:36This has left us with no choice.
02:38Three squadrons of heavy-armed braindeers
02:40flying out of Fort Ho-Ho-Ho,
02:42led by Rudolph, Donner and Dancer,
02:44are already in the air
02:45and headed for number 42, Elm Tree Terrace,
02:49armed with the very latest surface-to-chimney missiles
02:51that can lock in on a slice of cake and a glass of pop
02:54left on a table in the hall
02:55from a range of 3,000 miles.
02:58Ho, ho, ho.
02:59And a Merry Christmas to you all.
03:02Great news for Muppets fans this festive season.
03:04There was a Muppet Christmas Carol on ITV,
03:06a Muppet Treasure Island here on BBC One,
03:09and the Muppets invade Baghdad
03:11and Kermit kicks Saddam's arse on News 24.
03:14Now, it's the BBC Christmas Appeal.
03:21We all know Christmas is a time for remembering,
03:25so I'm f***ed then.
03:31Next on Channel 4,
03:32Nigella Lawson proves, once again,
03:34she can make anything sexy.
03:36Now, when I'm unblocking my toilet,
03:41I always like to start by playfully teasing
03:43a fresh pair of rubber gloves
03:45from its gossamer-thin outer wrapping.
03:50Being rubber,
03:51you'll find the gloves are very malleable to the touch
03:54and respond well to the slightest pressure.
03:57Right, now we need to make sure that everything
03:59is in full working order,
04:01so we need to find the ball cock.
04:04Now, if this hasn't been handled for a while,
04:07you may find that it doesn't at first
04:09respond to your touch,
04:10so just cup it gently.
04:13And then, you may find you need to coax it
04:17just a little bit more
04:18so that everything
04:20is working perfectly.
04:22Right, now I'm going to need my plunger.
04:26For best results,
04:27grasp by the stem
04:29and fall effortlessly to your knees
04:32before the system.
04:33And then plunge downwards
04:35in a rhythmic motion,
04:37plunging and plunging
04:39and plunging
04:40and it all oozes
04:42through the U-bend
04:43and surges into the pan.
04:49Oh, why does that always happen to me?
04:52My name is Greg Dyke
05:00and I am Director General
05:02of the BBC
05:03and our Christmas dude
05:05just finished
05:06two days ago.
05:10Now, what do I remember?
05:12Oh, yeah!
05:14Jeremy Clarkson got a bit out of order
05:16so I sat him on the photocopier
05:18and slammed the lid on his genitals,
05:19didn't I?
05:20Well, the jeans he wears,
05:21he's used to getting on the squash.
05:23Now, I just hope
05:25that I didn't get really hammered
05:26and do anything that I'd regret.
05:29Hang on, what's this?
05:31This is a commission
05:32for a second series
05:33of Fame Academy
05:35with my name on it.
05:37That's it.
05:38I'm never drinking
05:39ever again.
05:40Hello, I'm Mark Lawson
05:43and they say all TV presenters
05:44these days are just eye candy.
05:47Tonight, we're paying tribute
05:48to George Lucas.
05:49After the end of the first
05:51Star Wars trilogy in 1981,
05:53most people assume
05:54that George Lucas
05:55didn't direct again
05:55until Star Wars Episode I
05:57in 1999.
05:59Not so.
06:00In the early 90s,
06:01he worked briefly
06:02for the BBC.
06:02In my Christmas message
06:06this year,
06:07I want to address
06:08not just my many subjects
06:10in the United Kingdom
06:11and the Commonwealth,
06:12but across the galaxy as well.
06:15Over the past year,
06:17my husband and I,
06:19accompanied by our droids,
06:21R2-D2,
06:22C-3PO
06:23and Edward,
06:25travelled with Wynely,
06:26visiting Canada,
06:28Australia,
06:29Tatooine
06:30and the ice planet
06:31of Hoth.
06:33This year has truly
06:34been an Annus Horribilis,
06:36what with the blockade
06:37of the planet Naboo
06:39and the Commonwealth
06:40constructing their Death Star.
06:42Elizabeth,
06:44I sense his presence.
06:45He is near
06:46the Evil One.
06:48But I am not yet
06:49ready to meet him.
06:50I have not yet
06:50mastered the Force.
06:52You are a Jedi,
06:52Queen Elizabeth.
06:54Your time for battle
06:55has come.
06:58So, Queen,
07:00finally we come
07:00face to face.
07:02I am head of state
07:03here now.
07:04As we speak,
07:04my stormtroopers
07:05are already preparing
07:07to perform
07:07the changing of the guard.
07:09I will never let
07:10anyone as evil
07:11as you rule.
07:12Never!
07:13Draw your lightsaber,
07:14Elizabeth.
07:14Slay him!
07:22We are defeated
07:24now.
07:26Let's see who
07:26you really are.
07:28Oh!
07:29Philip!
07:30Elizabeth,
07:31I am
07:32your husband.
07:37Is that the glue factory?
07:39Great,
07:39I've just bagged
07:40another seven reindeer.
07:41Newland scuff missiles
07:42are coming, Andy.
07:44Girls Aloud
07:45insist that they're
07:45going to be selling
07:46just as many records
07:47next Christmas
07:48as they did this one.
07:49Well, provided they
07:50hang on to their
07:50Saturday job at HMV,
07:51they could well be right.
07:54Look at the state of me.
07:55I'm like Nigella Lawson
07:56with a f***ing bad hangover.
08:04Good evening.
08:05I'm Dr Simon Sharma.
08:07Look at the muck in here.
08:09Tonight,
08:10we look at a turbulent period
08:11in our nation's history,
08:13the time of the Saxon hordes.
08:16The BBC would like to point out
08:18that because of all
08:19the money it wasted
08:20on Professor Robert Winston's
08:21patronising drivel
08:22on BBC One,
08:23there is only enough money
08:25left for one
08:25illustrative prop
08:26for Simon Sharma.
08:28A potato.
08:29A potato.
08:31Right.
08:32Forget the Saxon hordes.
08:34Tonight,
08:34we look at the reign
08:35of King Edward.
08:38Son of Ethelwood,
08:40the unready,
08:41who fought the Vikings
08:42in 1013
08:44and took a roasting.
08:45In 1042,
08:48the reign of the Viking dynasty
08:49began to peel away
08:51and when the chips were down,
08:54Edward was able
08:55to terrify the Vikings,
08:58which was one of the I
09:00monarchy.
09:02The BBC would like to apologise
09:04for Simon Sharma's
09:06never-ending stream
09:07of pointlessly illustrative waffle.
09:08Where do we start?
09:13We need to make
09:13the first incision
09:14here
09:15because I can tell
09:16just by glancing down
09:17that this was a man,
09:19a man called
09:20Terry O'Driscoll,
09:21about 63 to 65 years of age,
09:23who spoke
09:24four languages,
09:25worked in a greengrocer's shop,
09:27rode a motorbike
09:28and had a pep budgie
09:28called Harold.
09:30Oh, no.
09:32This is your
09:33surprise birthday,
09:34Hank.
09:35Surprise!
09:36Surprise!
09:36Surprise!
09:38Oh, no.
09:39I don't do a surprise.
09:41I'm Professor Sam Ryan.
09:42As I stare mournfully
09:44out into middle distance,
09:45I'm never surprised
09:46and I'm always right.
09:48Now,
09:48who wants a piece
09:49of Mr O'Driscoll
09:50to take home
09:50in a serve yet?
09:55Hello.
09:56Are you the plumber?
09:58It's the loyal servant
09:59to the true Emperor
09:59Marcus Aurelius here.
10:01Never mind.
10:03Look, it's my home.
10:04It needs a lot of work
10:05to into it.
10:05I need your assistance.
10:07So,
10:08you are a plumber?
10:09You plumb?
10:10Plumber and heating engineers,
10:11yeah.
10:11That is good.
10:13We need to bring water
10:14to this site.
10:16Okay.
10:17Do you know where we can pick?
10:18Is there anywhere
10:18we can pick up from?
10:19I think the nearest lake
10:21is six miles walk
10:23from here.
10:24The nearest lake?
10:26But obviously,
10:27that's no good for us.
10:28I'm not sure
10:29clean water
10:30can be found
10:30anywhere near here.
10:31All right.
10:32Most of it
10:32is infected by plague.
10:33So,
10:37we'd better boil it.
10:37Yes,
10:38maybe so.
10:39So,
10:39yeah,
10:39so we need to bring water.
10:41Could you build me
10:42an aqueduct?
10:43That's a little bit
10:43stretched for us,
10:44I believe.
10:45I think you need
10:45to talk to McAlpine.
10:47McAlpine?
10:47Is he an agent
10:48of those who would
10:49plot a war against me?
10:51I wouldn't have thought
10:51that.
10:52I hope not.
10:52Really?
10:54If he is,
10:55I shall capture
10:56his armies
10:57and those who oppose me
10:58crumble their fortresses
11:00into dust.
11:02Um,
11:02would it be feasible
11:04to remove the grass
11:04and turn this
11:06into a Roman bath?
11:08Um,
11:09are you serious?
11:10You seriously
11:11want to turn this
11:11into a bath era?
11:12Yes,
11:12I am completely
11:13serious about that.
11:14We must bathe
11:15with the women slaves.
11:17It replenishes
11:18the men's spirits
11:19before battle.
11:20Right,
11:20okay.
11:20The Germanic hordes
11:29may appear
11:29over the hill
11:30at any moment.
11:31Um,
11:32my Felix Legion army
11:33is 900 men strong.
11:36Um,
11:37might you be able
11:37to install 900
11:38portaloos
11:39out of sight?
11:41Are you having
11:41a portaloa pace?
11:42I think so.
11:43Do you think
11:44they need that?
11:44We can't have
11:4520 soldiers
11:45to one shitter.
11:48So,
11:48a portaloa pace
11:49is, um,
11:50an extravagance.
11:52It may be
11:52an extravagance,
11:53but the risk,
11:54Varkas,
11:54is acceptable.
11:56This festive season
11:57here on BBC One,
11:59we've yet more
11:59increasingly desperate
12:01Weakest Link
12:01themed specials.
12:04Hello,
12:05and welcome
12:05to the Weakest Link
12:06Trappist Monk
12:07special.
12:10Brother Benjamin,
12:12in what year
12:13did Nirvana
12:13release
12:14Smells Like Teen Spirit?
12:19Brother Thomas,
12:20who wrote
12:21A Tale of Two Cities?
12:26Brother Edward,
12:27what is the name
12:28of the researcher
12:29who I'll be garrotting
12:30for not telling me
12:31you've all taken
12:31a vow of silence?
12:35At the end
12:35of that round,
12:36you've banked
12:37a pathetic
12:37zero pounds.
12:39So,
12:40who is one bad habit
12:42you definitely
12:42need to ditch?
12:44Whose presence
12:45means you haven't
12:46got a prayer?
12:47it's time
12:48to vote off
12:49The Weakest Monk.
12:52Brother Thomas,
12:53you voted
12:53for Brother Edward.
12:54Why?
12:56Which is a better
12:58reason than the rubbish
12:58people usually
12:59come out with
13:00at this point
13:00in the show.
13:03But it's votes
13:04that count.
13:05Brother Edward,
13:05you are the Weakest Monk.
13:08Goodbye.
13:20Hello, you don't happen
13:21to have the correct
13:22time, do you?
13:24I can't back.
13:24Sorry.
13:26Not at the bus.
13:29Ten past three.
13:30Ten past three.
13:32Well, you know,
13:32ten past three
13:33it may be,
13:34but according
13:35to the latest
13:35government figures
13:36that we have,
13:37it could be
13:37several minutes
13:38beyond that
13:39and of course
13:39it would be foolish
13:40of us to assume
13:41that we could keep it
13:42at five past three
13:43forever.
13:43That's simply
13:44not realistic.
13:45But what we have
13:46to do is
13:46maintain time
13:47for the precious
13:48resource that it is
13:49and if that means
13:50being slightly
13:51behind Germany
13:52then so be it.
13:54You know,
13:54look at Brazil,
13:55that's three hours
13:55behind Britain.
13:56Who cares now?
13:57Well, you know,
13:58the United States
13:59is a full nine hours
14:00behind Britain.
14:00Your first story
14:01is familiar,
14:03shall we say.
14:04Yes.
14:05Just call me Tony,
14:06anyway.
14:07Just call me Tony.
14:08OK, yeah.
14:09There.
14:10Yeah.
14:11Excuse me,
14:12you don't have
14:12the correct time,
14:13do you?
14:13It's 20 past three.
14:1520 past three,
14:16well,
14:16according to the
14:17latest government
14:18figures that we have,
14:18it could be
14:18several minutes
14:19beyond that,
14:20we can't say for sure
14:21and I think
14:21we've got to be
14:22sensible about this
14:22and remember the fact
14:23that since we came
14:24to power in this country,
14:25you know,
14:26time has marched
14:26forward for everyone,
14:28you know,
14:28six years for me
14:29and that applies
14:29for every man,
14:30woman and child
14:31in this country
14:32so it's just a case
14:33of getting around
14:34the negotiating table
14:35and, you know,
14:36let's find a time
14:37that's right for everyone.
14:46My name is Greg Dyke,
14:48still recovering
14:49from the BBC's office
14:50staff party.
14:52What to do?
14:53I'll tell you,
14:53there was more white powder
14:54than at a branch of Boots.
14:56Yeah, well,
14:57they have a lot of
14:57cocaine parties
14:58at Boots,
14:59don't they?
15:00Oh, blimey,
15:00what a night we had.
15:01The crazy strobe lighting
15:02made everyone look
15:03a little bit weird
15:03and freakish.
15:04All except Louis Theroux,
15:06strangely enough.
15:07We even had a little cabaret.
15:09You know,
15:09people doing things
15:10they don't usually do.
15:11Michael Burke,
15:12he did some song and dance.
15:14Nick Ross,
15:14he did a striptease.
15:16And Nick Barry
15:16and Michelle Collins,
15:18they did some acting.
15:19That'd be a first time,
15:21wouldn't it?
15:25I need your advice,
15:27wise wizard Dumbledore.
15:29No,
15:29what you need,
15:30Potter,
15:31is new glasses.
15:32I'm not Dumbledore,
15:33I'm Gandalf
15:34from Lord of the Rings.
15:36A wise old wizard
15:37who guides a youthful hero
15:38on a journey of discovery.
15:40Yes,
15:41that's right,
15:42Dumbledore.
15:43Frodo,
15:43tell Harry
15:44that I am Gandalf.
15:45You're not Gandalf,
15:46Gandalf's here.
15:48The wise old wizard
15:48who leads the hero
15:49on a brave quest.
15:50No,
15:51young acolyte,
15:51I'm not Gandalf.
15:53I'm a kindly old master
15:54who schools a young hero
15:55in a mystic art.
15:57Dumbledore.
15:58I'm not bloody Dumbledore,
16:00I'm the one
16:00who sacrifices himself
16:01in the first movie
16:02of the trilogy,
16:02then comes back from the dead
16:04to help the hero.
16:05You've nicked that idea
16:06from me.
16:07Harry,
16:08Dumbledore doesn't appear
16:09in this movie
16:09because the actor
16:10who plays him is dead,
16:11but he will return
16:12played by someone else.
16:13Like me,
16:14they've nicked that idea too.
16:15Look,
16:15it's my movie
16:16that's breaking
16:16all box office records,
16:18not your piss-poor effort.
16:22Oh,
16:23that's all we need,
16:25isn't it?
16:25The evil villain
16:26who dabbles
16:27in the dark side
16:28of the mystic world.
16:29Saruman.
16:31No,
16:31that's the evil lord
16:32who kills the father
16:32of the hero.
16:33That's Lord Voldemort.
16:35I'm not Voldemort.
16:36Anyway,
16:37that's just a story
16:37they tell the hero.
16:38The truth is,
16:39I'm really his father.
16:41You're my father?
16:43I am.
16:44Oh,
16:44bugger,
16:44that's really spoiled
16:45the ending
16:45of the fifth book
16:46for people,
16:46hasn't it,
16:47sorry?
16:49If your children
16:49are acting up
16:50this boxing day,
16:51why not scare them
16:52into behaving
16:52with the Christmas
16:53Radio Times?
16:54See,
16:55it has a weird,
16:55frightening cover
16:56that looks like
16:56it was drawn
16:57before the war
16:57and has a huge robin
16:58the size of a cow
16:59being ridden
17:00by Father Christmas.
17:01Scares the hell
17:02out of me.
17:02Oh,
17:06hello,
17:06God bless.
17:08Welcome to
17:09Thora's nice
17:10history of Britain
17:11where we refuse
17:12to dwell on the
17:13unpleasant side
17:14of life.
17:15Now,
17:16I've got some
17:17Iron Age
17:17artefacts here.
17:19Now,
17:20some historians
17:21will tell you
17:21that this
17:22is a spearhead
17:23used for hunting,
17:25war,
17:26and all manner
17:27of nastiness
17:28and upset.
17:29Well,
17:29that's just
17:29plain wrong.
17:31This was quite
17:32clearly used
17:33for crimping
17:34the edges
17:34of pies.
17:36Look at that.
17:37Lovely.
17:40And this,
17:41well,
17:42there's all sorts
17:44of rude
17:44and unpleasant
17:45explanations
17:45to what this
17:46was used for,
17:47but I can reveal
17:49that this
17:50is a garden
17:51dibber
17:51used for putting
17:52in seeds.
17:56I've got a
17:57modern one
17:57of these
17:58myself.
17:59A nine-inch
17:59model in black.
18:01And let me tell
18:02you,
18:02during the
18:03summer months,
18:03it's rarely
18:04out of my
18:05hands.
18:09Join me next
18:11week when I'll
18:11be looking at
18:12King Arthur
18:13and how he
18:14used his
18:14round table
18:15for whist
18:16drives.
18:20Listen,
18:20girls,
18:20you don't think
18:21it got to
18:21number one
18:22any other way,
18:22do you?
18:23I've got 60,000
18:24copies in me
18:25garage.
18:26We had a deal,
18:27remember,
18:27so my
18:27dressing room,
18:28ten minutes
18:28and get your
18:29kit off.
18:31Yeah,
18:32this time
18:32you won't
18:32be miming.
18:37A record
18:381.5 million
18:39Britons are
18:40spending this
18:41Christmas abroad
18:41and a record
18:421.2 million
18:43burglars are
18:44currently breaking
18:44into their
18:45houses.
18:48Hello and
18:49welcome to
18:49Tarrant on TV,
18:50the show that you
18:51thought I couldn't
18:51be arsed to do
18:52anymore.
18:53Once again,
18:53we'll be looking at
18:54the wacky world
18:55of TV across
18:55the world
18:56and proving
18:56that they
18:57really do
18:57do things
18:58differently
18:58abroad.
18:59Take a look
18:59at this
19:00curiously
19:00doom-laden
19:01offering
19:01from our
19:02French cousins.
19:02Bonjour and
19:04bienvenu à 999
19:05rescue d'emergencie
19:07avec moi,
19:08Michel Bourque.
19:09Où est la plume
19:10de ma tante?
19:11Tu se salui plus tard.
19:13Vendreday était un jour
19:15ordinaire pour Antoine de Cône,
19:17mais le jour termine dans la
19:19tragédie.
19:20Il est tombé dans une
19:21abandonnée.
19:22Bouf,
19:23quelle tite.
19:24Souter laws.
19:27Next up is a
19:27decidedly bizarre
19:28but popular
19:29programme
19:29from Germany
19:30which toys
19:31with our
19:31emotions
19:32in a faintly
19:33sadistic way.
19:34Guten Tag
19:35from the
19:36Commons and
19:37Rolf's
19:37Animal
19:38Crankenhaus.
19:39Do you
19:39remember
19:40the lovely
19:40hund
19:41Rover?
19:43It is,
19:43as you say,
19:44in England.
19:45Bad news.
19:47He was
19:47so feeble,
19:48so mangy,
19:50and
19:50so
19:50to
19:50make
19:51the
19:51night.
19:52We end
19:56today with
19:57a programme
19:57from across
19:58the pond
19:58whose inexplicable
19:59popularity
20:00proves that
20:01unlike the
20:01more discerning
20:02viewers over
20:02here,
20:03those yanks
20:03really will
20:04watch anything.
20:05Hi,
20:06I'm Dave
20:07Dickinson,
20:08the palest
20:08man on
20:09American
20:09Network
20:10TV,
20:11and you're
20:11watching
20:11Bargain
20:12Quest.
20:13Now,
20:14I've given
20:14our teams
20:15the laughably
20:15small sum
20:16of $200,000.
20:18Will my
20:19homies come
20:20back with
20:20a Bob
20:20Dazzler,
20:21or just
20:21a goddamn
20:22heap of
20:22ass.
20:23Let's hope
20:24it's a bargain.
20:25Ho ho,
20:25cheap as
20:26French fries.
20:28You're
20:29watching BBC
20:302.
20:31Turkey
20:31curry.
20:33You sure
20:34that's a good
20:34idea?
20:36Well,
20:37as there's
20:37nothing in
20:38the papers
20:38at Christmas,
20:39we're going
20:39to have a
20:39look at
20:40what's in
20:40tomorrow's
20:41Christmas
20:41crackers
20:42instead.
20:43So,
20:43in the
20:44bargain
20:44crackers,
20:45there's
20:45a pair
20:46of
20:46fake
20:46comedy
20:47lips,
20:47which
20:48aren't
20:48big enough
20:49to fit
20:49over
20:49anybody's
20:49real
20:50lips,
20:50and there's
20:51a flimsy
20:52party hat,
20:53there's a joke,
20:55and the joke is
20:56what sits at the
20:57bottom of the sea
20:58and quivers?
20:58A nervous wreck.
21:00So that's that.
21:01In the
21:02Marks and Spencer's
21:03luxury crackers,
21:04you'll find a
21:05miniature jigsaw,
21:06just three pieces there,
21:07so hours of challenging
21:08fun for all the family.
21:10There's a flimsy
21:12party hat,
21:12hat, and there's
21:14a thought-provoking
21:15Chinese proverb,
21:17which says,
21:18what lies at the
21:19bottom of the sea
21:20and quivers?
21:22Confucius,
21:22he say,
21:23it's a nervous wreck.
21:25And what we have
21:26next is the
21:27Fortnum and Mason
21:28cracker.
21:29Inside here,
21:30there are a
21:31selection of
21:32honey-roast
21:32hams,
21:33some beluga
21:35caviar,
21:36a gold-plated
21:36DVD player,
21:37and a flimsy
21:39party hat,
21:40designed by
21:40Philip Treesey.
21:42There's no joke
21:44in there.
21:44Instead,
21:45they booked
21:45Jimmy Tarback
21:46to come round
21:46to your house
21:47to do his very
21:47best 20-minute set.
21:49So if I were you,
21:50I'd stick with
21:51the happy shopper
21:52nervous wreck joke.
21:56Turned out nice
21:57again today,
21:57hasn't it?
21:58Not bad.
21:59Not bad.
22:01Well, we say
22:02not bad,
22:02but I think we have
22:03to look at this
22:04situation sensibly.
22:05Although it's turned
22:05out not bad
22:06and rather pleasant
22:07today,
22:07if it continues
22:08to turn out
22:09pleasant in this way
22:10day on day,
22:10then we will
22:11have to face the...
22:11You really remind me
22:15of Tony Blair.
22:16Oh, I should hope so.
22:19You're conservative
22:19or a Labour.
22:22I think, you know,
22:23people are finding
22:23that quite difficult
22:24to ascertain at the moment.
22:26I mean,
22:26what do you think?
22:29People,
22:30on this bus stop,
22:31this is your
22:32Prime Minister.
22:34I know that the bus
22:35that we are waiting
22:36for is not here
22:37at the moment
22:38and we are feeling
22:39and we are feeling
22:39that and we take
22:40full responsibility
22:41for that.
22:42When the bus arrives,
22:44I am all in favour
22:46of going into the bus
22:47and not staying
22:47on the outside.
22:48We should only get
22:49onto the bus
22:50when the time is right,
22:52when the conditions
22:53are right,
22:53if we have the correct
22:54change and I believe
22:56then that we can
22:57move forward
22:58within a sustainable
22:59programme of trips
23:01to the supermarkets.
23:07Good evening
23:08and welcome
23:09to the sky at night.
23:11People often ask me,
23:12Patrick, they say,
23:13why have you been
23:14so very, very fascinated
23:16by the night sky
23:17for the last 60 years?
23:19And the answer
23:20to the question is,
23:21I'm not.
23:22No, not in the slightest.
23:25You see,
23:2550 years ago,
23:27the local constables
23:28came a-knocking
23:29after numerous complaints
23:30from my neighbours,
23:32wishing to know
23:32what the dickens
23:34I was doing
23:34with 50 telescopes
23:36in my loft.
23:37Well, thinking on my feet,
23:39of course,
23:39I told them
23:40I was an astronomer
23:41and they bought it,
23:43as did the BBC.
23:45But the simple truth
23:45of the matter is,
23:46I'm actually
23:47a peeping Tom.
23:49That's right.
23:50The heavenly bodies
23:51of Ursa Major
23:51and the Persians
23:52bore me rigid,
23:53but the heavenly bodies
23:54of big bouncing housewives
23:56sunbathing on the terraces
23:57does it for Patrick
23:59every time.
24:00So,
24:01if, like me,
24:02you're currently
24:02training your telescope
24:03at number 34,
24:05we have been promised
24:06an unparalleled view
24:08of a spectacular shower
24:09being taken
24:10by Mrs Mackenzie.
24:13This, however,
24:14may prove disappointing
24:15due in no small part
24:17to the addition
24:17of frosted glass
24:18to the bathroom window.
24:20So,
24:20Mrs Mackenzie's heavenly body
24:22may not be completely visible
24:23with the naked eye.
24:24Bummer.
24:24An exhibition by the architect
24:28Maeve van der Rohe
24:29has opened this week
24:30in London,
24:30but we won't be talking
24:31about that because
24:32as it's the last show
24:33of the year,
24:34all the panellists
24:35have been allowed
24:35to bring in the toys
24:36they got for Christmas.
24:37And then Greg,
24:38I didn't really expect
24:39you'd be getting a doll.
24:41Well,
24:41I'll have you know
24:41there's a seminus Barbie.
24:43It's actually exactly
24:45the same as normal Barbie,
24:47except she actually
24:48sees the fact
24:49that her boyfriend,
24:50Ken,
24:50has no genitalia
24:51as a positive thing.
24:52And if you pull her cord,
24:55she does this.
24:56Don't try and control me
24:58with your passive-aggressive tendencies.
25:01Tom Paulin.
25:03Well,
25:03I was given this
25:05buckaroo
25:06and it fills me
25:09with a deep sense
25:10of disillusionment
25:12and depression.
25:15Jermaine,
25:15your thoughts?
25:16Well,
25:16I agree.
25:17Buckaroo is a microcosm
25:18of the malaise
25:19of Western society
25:20where we're all totally
25:21overburdened
25:23by these unnecessary
25:24plastic accoutrements
25:26that in the end
25:27we just have to kick out
25:28in a futile,
25:29impotent rage.
25:30I'm right,
25:30aren't I?
25:31No.
25:32I mean,
25:33I just find it depressing
25:36that I got
25:37a buckaroo
25:38for Christmas.
25:40I mean,
25:40Mariela Froststrop,
25:41I mean,
25:42she gets an Xbox,
25:43the lucky cow.
25:45Right,
25:45well,
25:45I'm not telling you
25:46what I got for Christmas.
25:48You're just going
25:48to have to guess.
25:50Hi, kids.
25:50Yes,
25:51it's that time
25:51of the morning again.
25:53The brightly coloured blobs
25:55are playing out
25:56the nativity scene.
25:58Plinky,
25:58Flommet and Bobo
25:59are three wise men
26:01who visited
26:02baby Jesus
26:03in the stable
26:03bringing gifts
26:05of gold,
26:06frankincense
26:07and myrrh.
26:09It wasn't gold,
26:10frankincense
26:11and myrrh.
26:13No,
26:14it was the
26:15flom umbrella,
26:16the brightly coloured blobs
26:18duvet cover
26:18and a pair
26:19of brightly coloured
26:20blobs trainers
26:21all on sale now
26:22from leading retail outfits.
26:25Wasn't that lucky
26:26with it being Christmas
26:27and all?
26:32So, please,
26:33give a very,
26:33very warm welcome
26:34to the traveller.
26:35Is this a rondium sensor?
26:46Ah,
26:47it is.
26:48Hello.
26:49A very warm greeting.
26:52I'm very well,
26:53my friend.
26:54I'm very well.
26:55Are you a thal?
26:58No?
26:59He does look like a thal.
27:00Actually, no,
27:01he looks like Davros.
27:04I've travelled a great deal
27:06in my life.
27:07I've seen many places
27:09and along the way
27:10I've picked up
27:11some wonderful pieces
27:12of music
27:12which bring back
27:14many happy memories.
27:15This is called
27:17The Ascent
27:18of the Keller Machine.
27:20Goes something like this.
27:36Would you like to hear
27:36your old favourite,
27:37ladies and gentlemen?
27:42Goes a little like this.
27:45And now,
27:58the end is near
27:59and so I face
28:00the final curtain.
28:03My friends,
28:04I'll say it clear.
28:06I'll state my case
28:07of which I'm certain.
28:09I have a few
28:18but then again
28:19too few to mention.
28:22I did
28:23what I had to do.
28:25I did what I did it
28:26without exception.
28:29What is a man?
28:30What has he got?
28:32If not himself,
28:34then he has not.
28:35I faced it all
28:37and I stood torn
28:38throughout all my
28:39regenerations
28:40and did it my way.
28:46Goodbye.
28:48This is the 10 o'clock news
28:50with me, Michael Burke.
28:51The main headlines again.
28:52It's my last day
28:53reading the news
28:54so I can finally say
28:55whatever I like.
28:57Today's top story.
28:58I've just spent
28:58the last half hour
28:59photocopping my arse
29:00and faxing it
29:01to Trevor McDonald.
29:02Then I nicked a load
29:03of stuff from
29:03the stationery cupboard
29:04and told Michelle
29:05who's done my autocue
29:06for the last 12 years
29:07that she's well worth one
29:08though she is a bit
29:08of a five-pinter.
29:11Oh, and this just in.
29:12I hate the news.
29:13I make most of it up.
29:14Andrew Mara's
29:14a jug-eared lefty loon
29:16and Greg Dyke,
29:17you look like a coach driver
29:18from Wallace Arnold.
29:20See you around.
Recommended
29:04
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