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Short Tales
  • 2 days ago
It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia Season 17 Episode 1
Transcript
00:00so as you may recall a little while back we had some volunteers at the school found out they were
00:19here for community service I wasn't tripping four days free labor and they were out of here
00:23but we were alerted to some additional footage if you will turns out these clowns were up to
00:28a lot more than we knew welcome to Abbott Elementary the best elementary school in the
00:33universe um what's the deal with all the cameras we have like a Vanderpump thing going on don't
00:37worry about it no no I think I'll be spending my time on the other side of the camera thank you
00:41very much if Caucasian cultural exchange is over let's get to the free work before we do that
00:51uh uh could my associates and I talk if you want to talk talk in private I mean I'm away from the
00:58yeah that's an issue oh he's got a thing we could just not be now at least take a second
01:02yeah Frank just go go yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah we'll be right back yeah we'll be right back
01:06yeah just in a minute go go go go close that door and lock it okay I got an idea Frank let's not make
01:17this a whole thing please yeah just quick in and out yeah the faster we get it done the better I see
01:21an opportunity here how's the school an opportunity it's not just a school it's a gold mine I can't
01:29believe these shitheads forgot they were miked
01:30I was a school a gold mine copper piping thousands and thousands of yards of it and this is an old
02:00building they use the thick kind I mean a fence will pay a fortune for that Frank Frank we're not
02:05ripping copper piping out of a public school well why not the city's gonna make them do it anyway and
02:10they're gonna wind up paying for it we'd be doing them a favor okay stop stop we're not doing this
02:14all right we're just we're gonna get through the day okay and then we're gonna get the hell out of
02:17here because I oh my god this coffee is sludge what's the story on the snacks are these free or what
02:24guys I'm with Dennis if I could just get this release signed that we could be out of here in a week
02:28all right look I don't want to get lice for one of these kids oh did you guys know that black people
02:32can't get lice deep that's like crazy racist no no no that's just science it's the lice who are
02:37racist okay hold on you hear this conversation this is us digging a deeper hole let's please
02:43not I'm begging you all why is this door locked and who are you people oh hi we're your volunteers
02:48you're not supposed to be in here this is a teacher's lounge ah then where's the volunteers lounge
02:52uh yeah actually um question sorry are you in charge of cleaning the coffee pots because um
02:57they're really dirty and you're not doing a good job what is this quit eating that yeah quit eating
03:03that I'm not I thought we're free it's not free no get the hell out of here get the hell out of here
03:08I said I thought they were free get the hell out of here okay all right it's just a misunderstanding
03:13probably no guys are gonna be a problem take care of them I can't say I'm surprised by any of this
03:18I mean I liked D at first but things got awkward when she tried to steal you that was never gonna
03:23happen still safe to say I liked her less after that but it wasn't until I saw the extra footage
03:28that I was able to realize just how much of a I need to say a bad word it's okay yeah yeah I'm
03:36gonna say it's real bad you talked about this how much of a total fucking cunt she was
03:40I thought you was gonna call her a bitch no I didn't feel that was strong enough okay
03:45bitch can be a very fine dog that is not what this woman is
03:49class can I have your attention for one second you are being taught by a genius and class if I may
03:57you have a genius volunteer aiding you oh you you you it's definitely you right now one two three you
04:08okay I noticed you following that one around a bunch what is going on with that I'm not picking
04:18up star vibes from her she's a dud she's a giant dud but I have an idea you follow me around make me the
04:23star of whatever this is and I will make this shit pop right I'll steal her man I'll expose her for
04:28the dud she is what do you think let's work together huh hey we can't wait till you come
04:36back I can't wait to come back oh my god I mean what is she talking about the star of the thing
04:44what I don't know she's crazy she really is crazy if anything Ava's the star maybe Barb could be me
04:51at this point but you know sure yeah sure you don't think I've gotten no I mean no absolutely
04:58no absolutely yeah you're just focused they kind of you are go through my yeah it's it's interpretation
05:02of it okay yeah okay well actually that's not what this is about no because it's about the kids
05:07exactly but the good news is she was never actually attracted to Gregory at all
05:12sorry she should have been no these dumbasses couldn't even pretend to volunteer for very long
05:23day one they tried to recruit athletes for their old high school yo hey dude this place is the worst
05:32man they're like totally like trying to teach me to read and stuff and I'm just like playing along
05:36being like oh you know you can help me but it's just like I'm trying to kill time you know like it's
05:40so boring yeah sure what do they got you doing uh well they don't really have me doing anything
05:46but I decided to do this oh what what is this uh well I uh I grabbed a bunch of stuff from the science
05:52class I'm doing a little science experiment is it coffee it is coffee I could smell it it's the most
05:57amazing coffee you've ever had you wouldn't believe it dude I'm sick give me coffee I'm like Walter White
06:00over here yeah absolutely I got one for you go go go you would not believe the bozos they got as the
06:05stars of this thing stars of what thing yeah their reality show or whatever it is they got
06:10going oh oh shit I keep forgetting about these guys yeah yeah yeah but I'm gonna use it as a
06:15launching pad though I got an angle no no no we're not doing angles yeah what smells good oh it's
06:20coffee you gotta try and make one yeah yeah you want one this is a coffee yeah yeah come back a little
06:23slow so I'll make a small one raccoon on the loose what really yeah I brought a raccoon in to keep
06:30that janitor busy coffee man nice dude good move yeah no no Frank cameras what's up bitches have
06:36you guys seen the talent in this school no good no what are you doing we're just doing the one
06:41thing okay you guys are talking about five different things for Christ's sake you're all over the place
06:45sorry what talent what are you talking about yeah there's kids like that are taller than me I say
06:48recruit one for the basketball team St. Joe's no no no oh two great idea man they're sucking ass we
06:53are just doing the one thing all right yeah I want a straight line to Friday that's it okay all right
06:58all right yeah get some coffee man make a coffee Matt try a coffee yeah it's a really perfectly PA
07:05I keep forgetting about the cameras forget about them every time dude yeah yeah it is easy to forget
07:13about the cameras I keep cash on me to make things go away but they took it to the next level
07:17oh that's a good idea totally profit off a young basketball player like pull a blindside on
07:26are you pissing in that locker oh it's a coffee I I drank so much calls right to yeah yeah let's
07:32do the blindside well yeah but I think we're not supposed to say blindside because it's like oh yeah
07:36it got frowned upon because it was like a white savior thing and I think white people aren't
07:40supposed to help black people oh no no no that's a misunderstanding okay yeah you see St. Joe's is
07:44a predominantly white team so we're helping a white school so it's fine oh look at that one he's tall
07:50well don't say that one I know that one let's go get it oh I meant that blackhead let's go get it
07:54hey kid look at you wow oh man we saw you in the hall we liked everything we saw we did what's it
08:04gonna take to convince you to leave a place like this and come with us we may have access to alexis
08:09boom gee like joyriding whoa what is what is this what is going on here
08:13uh well um he uh he left yeah oh yeah okay you need to leave too
08:24what the poor Rodney he was really freaked out maybe it was Jacob interrupting them or maybe it
08:30was when they found out that Rodney is legally blind in one eye and can't shoot for shit
08:34don't think we didn't try he's trash a basketball recruit oh thank god my mind was going to terrible
08:43places anyway they got off that idea and bounced to the next one like one of those ADHD kids the
08:50only thing I will say is their coffee was fantastic okay uh I got soy almond latte for Gregory there we
08:58go much a blast okay and uh Janine you have the uh it was a mocha grande half calf with a splash of
09:03a splash of vanilla okay I got you right here there we go enjoy thank you enjoy Katie I remember
09:10you super complicated order I gotta say guys this experience is not as bad as I thought it was
09:17yeah it's fine you know I mean for once laying low is maybe paying off for us no no no no screw
09:21laying low I'm making a play for dingbats guy and it's working I said no angles excuse me guys excuse
09:27me I'm so I'm volunteering so I have to come through here yeah yeah yeah they said that the
09:32volunteers had to come through because we wouldn't normally do that um we're good people
09:37but uh we had to so what guys I'm actually like really pissed at this school like they have no
09:44idea how to teach people you know like what you're not learning to read no it's not the reading I know
09:48how to read it's 9-11 man well what about 9-11 yeah the kids don't know anything about it man
09:54they don't know what it is what I heard a couple of them joking and they were sharing funny like
10:00internet memes and they're like oh yeah oh that I know that internet joke thing no that's how they
10:05know it hold on a second well now I have to get involved because that's insane that's kids these
10:09days huh 9-11 is just one giant meme to them it's a big joke it is yeah it's like Pearl Harbor
10:14I mean you know that happens everybody looks the other way now we're all buying Japanese cars I
10:20mean the Arabs are buying golf from us what golf is the purest sport in the history of humanity I
10:27mean what happened to never forget yeah what happened to never forget we made an agreement
10:30to never forget we forget about these things right until we come down to the camps and just buying
10:34whatever car we want I mean what the hell is this forgetting what happened this argument went
10:39on for way too long these people were passionate but dumb as shit because at some point they argue
11:01themselves right into conspiracy theories so so it had to be a hoax yeah I mean steel would not melt at
11:08that temperature I mean take fire to steel and see if it melts it won't absolutely you know what
11:13a missile sent by your own government is probably what it was I don't mind there wasn't even a plane
11:17I'm starting to think there wasn't even towers dude I've never been anybody seen the towers with your
11:21own eyes not a picture exactly not pictures of the government showers god they're changing the
11:26weather now do you know about this yeah they control the weather with frogs I saw it they control the
11:30weather yeah wait frogs yeah they shoot the frogs they keep shooting frogs they're throwing tornadoes
11:35at Florida yeah crop control crop control there's too many oranges I know it sounds crazy but I think
11:45at one point these people were trying to start a boy band all right remember to combine all three
11:49words here Darnell Lewis and Jordan Cox please report to the principal's office I thought it was kind
11:54odd when Ava had one of the volunteers making announcements now really think about oh actually
12:00wait yeah sorry go to the bathroom no no don't tell them to go to the bathroom Dennis the acoustics
12:04are better have them come to the music room yeah okay fine uh Darnell and Jordan please go to the
12:09music room or whatever thank you did you have that push the whole time the way keep keep doing your
12:13work I'll be I'll be right back so I had to go down there and check it out for myself I'll make love to
12:20you like you want me to and I'll hold you tight baby all through the night oh this is what we want
12:31yeah this is it it's good you're a very good singer very nice a little pitchy but it's like a fine yeah
12:37but my main concern is he's coming off like kind of a nerd you know we've already got our nerd we need a
12:43bad boy we do uh hey Steven would you say you're a bad boy I don't know you don't know you don't know I
12:50feel like a bad boy would know if he was bad right yeah I think so yeah I told Mac to get
12:54the detention list yeah because that's how we're gonna find out hey how we doing all right what's
12:59what's going on in here oh we're just having auditions yeah Ava said we could use the room
13:05and we got her real quick just want to walk this back um Ava said that it was okay for you to pull
13:09kids out of class so they could sing for you yeah otherwise how are we gonna know it's kind of like a
13:14class in a way it's a music class basically like we're just kind of like shopping for kids here and
13:18we got a pretty good collection you know we got a nerd and we got the boy next door we got the
13:23ugly one that people feel sorry for but yeah he's so ugly too like he's uglier than maybe too ugly yeah
13:28maybe now we found our bad boy yeah you see the bad boy is the most important one though because
13:33the bad boy uh uh makes the sexual component less weird yeah I wouldn't have said that but that's not
13:46this was some crazy shit I didn't want to deal with it so I took it to Ava
13:51Ava what the others were right these volunteers have got to go no you were right they're amazing
14:00and they're staying I might frame them for another crime just to get their hours up
14:04what no did I ask you to stop steaming
14:07okay she was right between fighting teachers pissing the lockers and the boy band thing
14:20I should have booted their ass because that white woman was going in
14:23what do you mean you didn't get the fight on camera what is wrong with you I let that bitch
14:29kick my ass so that I could look like a victim you think I couldn't kick her she's tiny I could
14:35destroy her I'd rip her hair out I got old I'd rip this whole school bald if I wanted to oh but
14:42that would look like some kind of hate crime and the liberal media would oh wouldn't they just love
14:46that no I'm not doing it what's wrong with you you call yourself a camera crew oh my god get your head
14:53now I've seen some shit but crazy white people hit different let me kick her ass no I am not a
15:02violent person but if I want to kick someone's ass I will just let me kick her ass she said that
15:08no no and you know what I'm not mad I'm not because I am totally over that woman um because I am a happy
15:17person so I'm so sorry I saw a mosquito
15:26yeah so at one point I was misled into believing they were shooting an educational video in the
15:34vein of Billy Joel's we didn't start the fire I don't know how the fuck they got on this
15:38bye see you knock knock knock I've got a uh piping hot uh caramel macchiato for a Melissa
15:45that's me oh there you are thank you Dennis no it's my pleasure absolutely hey go birds go birds
15:51hey listen um might I trouble you with a query on the subject of Billy Joel uh with the scale being
15:57one I can't stand his music to ten I think he's the single greatest musician in the history of sound
16:02where do you place the man negative five but you know who is a massive fan 150 a million ten
16:09infinity amazing okay great yeah so we're actually looking to recruit teachers to help us with a
16:15little song by that point I should have known better but um I'm a sucker for anything Billy Joel related
16:22this is really exciting guys okay so here's here's what we're gonna do um you our modern educators are
16:29going to sing the updated lyrics to Billy Joel's classic song and we will be reenacting the iconic
16:35historical moments on video at a later date oh my god can we be part of that as well I feel like it
16:40wouldn't be right if you weren't that's that's great let's get them involved yeah and uh as a matter of
16:44fact I'm gonna film the rehearsal yeah just shoot everything um okay I'm gonna stumble through one
16:49don't don't worry if you get it wrong let's let's just try it from the top okay uh okay
16:54when Caitlin Clark and Angel Reese Captain Sully hit some geese marijuana legalized the price of
17:02coppers on the rise Kaepernick takes a knee Ozempic cures obesity Y2K was overblown they shot down
17:11actually they did start a fire you see this look it's not even wilted it's indestructible you're
17:38telling me that an entire building is gonna melt to the ground but we can't have a melt the bench
17:41I don't think so oh oh oh oh he's going up the wall okay but eventually the whole song thing
17:47fell apart when they discovered something that they did not like wow wow guys that was amazing
17:53yes oh love it Charlie yeah you guys look guys I'm so excited and I really can't wait to be a part
18:00of the reenactments just want to throw that out there again but I'm just curious like as to why
18:05you guys are doing it I just was wondering oh yeah that's a good question like so we realized
18:09that the kids don't know anything about 9-11 really it's like a joke or meme to them and like
18:13never forget you know instead never forget and they seem to have forgotten I love this I mean I love
18:19this human beings have been educating one another through the method of song for generations they
18:24predate even the most ancient of society absolutely yeah it's true this particular song was
18:30instrumental I would say in our educations and we just felt like it was due for an update right it's
18:35due for an update and I love that you guys did it almost better than fallout boy you know with the
18:39lyric change and everything well no this is billy joel song oh no no the the band fallout boy they
18:45they they already did an update yeah like of this song changed all the lyrics and who's fallout boy
18:51it's an emo band that did a really good update it was really good okay yeah I thought that's why
18:57yeah will you excuse us for a moment we're gonna need a we're just gonna need a minute okay is it
19:03to go listen to their version no no okay apparently this fallout boy thing was a big deal to them
19:10god damn time we try a single thing this god damn fallout boy I've got nothing for this in all my
19:31years of teaching primary school I have never seen a student of mine tantrum that long and these were
19:38full-grown adults with fully developed frontal lobes I thought they were done but then I found this
19:45video online it was titled fallout boy can't stop us Caitlin Clark and Angel Reese Captain Sully hit some
19:54geese marijuana legalized price of coppers on the rise Kaepernick takes a knee oh something cures
20:02obesity Y2K was overblown they shut down one ton of low I gotta hand it to these jabronis because I
20:12didn't really like the original because I felt like Billy Joel didn't even try to match the lyrics to the
20:16video but these guys they milked the school for every minute of content they could it reminded me of that
20:22verse on DMX is what you want there was Brenda Leticia Linda Felicia I wasn't mad at it it was a
20:29bop look at the end of the day did I like those people no I did not but I I will admit that what
20:36they did before they left was pretty nice thank you all so much for coming here please enjoy a round
20:42of drinks on us oh Johnny Walker blue no spirits Chardonnay please
20:48oh gosh we don't have a bottle already open yeah okay Heineken well no imports though yeah Jesus Christ
20:55uh how about an iced tea iced tea uh I think we have ice nope don't have ice I already checked and
21:03yeah no we're off water all together yeah sorry about that doing water anymore in the bar it's a whole thing you
21:08know I am so sorry but um why are we here like what what is this oh yes no fair um yeah well listen
21:14we just wanted to let you know that our experience uh with you really touched us you know you you
21:19blindsided us with your heart and your care for those children and while Frank is sorry that he
21:25couldn't be here today he did spring for this gift for your teacher's lounge Mac a new espresso machine
21:33nice right yeah we don't even have one of these may you be as happy as you are caffeinated
21:41maybe they're kind of sweet that was kind of sweet yeah yeah it wasn't that sweet come with me
21:48I think they lured us down in a bar so the old one can do this
21:54he must have ripped out about a hundred feet of copper but on the bright side the state was going
22:05to make us move out some old pipes so actually he saved us a few grand in construction costs
22:09I'm gonna lose my job if anyone sees this so burn those tapes
22:24I'm gonna lose my job I'm gonna lose my job I'm gonna lose my job I'm gonna lose my job
22:27I'm gonna lose my job I'm gonna lose my job I'm gonna lose my job I'm gonna lose my job
22:29I'm gonna lose my job I'm gonna lose my job I'm gonna lose my job I'm gonna lose my job
22:31I'm gonna lose my job I'm gonna lose my job I'm gonna lose my job I'm gonna lose my job
22:33I'm gonna lose my job I'm gonna lose my job I'm gonna lose my job I'm gonna lose my job
22:36I'm gonna lose my job I'm gonna lose my job I'm gonna lose my job I'm gonna lose my job
22:39I'm gonna lose my job I'm gonna lose my job I'm gonna lose my job I'm gonna lose my job
22:43I'll see you next time.