- 2 days ago
#ShowFilm98
#It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
#It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
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Short filmTranscript
00:01Just have a seat right there. Would you like a drink?
00:04No.
00:05How about a fresh glass of water?
00:07I have to just go back and gather myself with my buddies before we start this.
00:12Okay?
00:13Okay.
00:14But we are on the clock.
00:15Oh, yeah. And for the record, you know, you might want to jot down
00:18how well you're being treated at this professional establishment.
00:23Frank, you're in trouble.
00:25We are in big trouble.
00:27We gotta come up with a statement for this reporter.
00:29She's gonna butcher us.
00:31Yeah, this is bad.
00:32No, why don't we just play dumb?
00:33Why do we have to come up with a statement at all?
00:34Because they found 500 gallons of baby oil dumped in the Schuylkill River.
00:37Wait, wait.
00:38You might be right, because they can't actually prove that that was us.
00:40So the 200 Patties Pub t-shirts floating around in it aren't exactly helping our case, pal?
00:43Yeah, that's not.
00:44I mean, this is a good thing.
00:45This could be our Patties gate.
00:46Okay?
00:47There you go.
00:48The gates aren't a good thing.
00:49I mean, Pizzagate? Watergate?
00:50Nipplegate?
00:51Nipplegate and Janet Jackson's career was never the same.
00:53You're right.
00:54What happened?
00:55Yeah, but some things you gotta keep covering up.
00:56Come on.
00:59Guys, we can handle this.
01:01I mean, this is why we went to that corporate retreat in Idaho.
01:03Right, right.
01:04Well, we'd go to the retreat so much as watch a bunch of clips of it on YouTube.
01:07Yeah.
01:08But, you know, you're right, Mac.
01:09Normally, a situation like this would have me clawing all your faces off.
01:12But I'm not gonna do that.
01:13I'm gonna utilize my words.
01:16I do see your hand is still in a bit of a claw.
01:18Yeah, I was ready to pounce.
01:19Yeah, I had it behind my head. I was ready to...
01:21Yeah, I had it behind my leg.
01:22Yeah.
01:23I have a feeling.
01:24Should we un...
01:25No, no, let's all unclaw our hands.
01:26Yeah, yeah.
01:27Right? Because that was the old way.
01:28Yeah.
01:29This is the new way, right?
01:30We've got the tools from the corporate retreat.
01:31We've got the vocabulary.
01:33We've got these awesome fleece vests that were inspired by the retreat.
01:37Aren't these great?
01:38You can let it all go under here.
01:39Yeah.
01:40Appreciate you springing for that, Frank.
01:41Thank you very much.
01:42Listen, we can handle this unpleasantry with the grace and elegance of any major corporation
01:46by utilizing a little thought leadership and simply talking this thing out.
01:52First and foremost, the business must be protected at all times.
02:05Yes.
02:06Yes.
02:07Yes.
02:08The business is infinitely more important than any individual.
02:09Yes.
02:10We are, of course, a family.
02:11But, uh, human emotion notwithstanding, I would be remiss not to mention that we are
02:12a business first.
02:13And as a business, we must behave as such.
02:14Right.
02:15So I would like to posit, respectfully, of course, that we put forth an offering.
02:21Yes.
02:22A lamb, if you will.
02:23No, I would say that lamb right now could be tender and delicious, but we have kind of
02:27bigger issues that we're dealing with that we need to discuss and we need to discuss
02:30the same thing.
02:31Yes.
02:32So, the business must be protected at all times.
02:33Yes.
02:34Yes.
02:35Yes.
02:36Yes.
02:37Yes.
02:38Yes.
02:39Yes.
02:40Yes.
02:41Yes.
02:42Yes.
02:43Yes.
02:44And maybe, you know, eating a lamb is not the best thing, momentarily speaking.
02:48Thank you for that, Charlie.
02:49But, uh, of course, I'm speaking of a sacrificial lamb.
02:52Ah!
02:53Maybe we need to walk through the series of events of the incident to figure out who the
02:57fall guy should be.
02:58And I would like to respectfully point out that the phrase is fall guy.
03:03Thank you for pointing out that gender inequity, Dee.
03:06And, uh, henceforth, let's refer to that position as fall person.
03:10Person.
03:11If we could circle back to, uh, animal-related conversations, we could consider fall fish,
03:15uh, or scape fish, or even fall bird, and then we're back to Dee.
03:19Oh, gosh.
03:20I'm so sorry, guys, but, um, my hand is so tightly clenched into a claw.
03:26Yeah.
03:27Same.
03:28Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:29Again.
03:30All right.
03:31All right.
03:32So why don't we do this?
03:33Let's all take a deep breath before we continue this conversation on Clark.
03:35Yes.
03:36I think Dee is right.
03:44I think we've got to take this mess from the beginning and find out how we got here.
03:48Uh-huh.
03:49Find out who's really to blame.
03:50As you recall, it all started several weeks ago when Frank found that jug out back.
03:56Yes.
03:57Yo, let me blow on that.
03:58Mm.
03:59No, you make sounds when you bang on it, not blow on it.
04:01No, no, no.
04:02You blow on it.
04:03Yeah, yeah.
04:04No, you just bang on it.
04:05But it's going to be much deeper.
04:06No, no, no, no.
04:07He's right.
04:08You don't blow on it.
04:09No, if you blow on it like that, it gets...
04:10No, you turn it upside down.
04:11You don't bang.
04:12Of course, that led to a vigorous debate, which in turn led to vigorous clawing until
04:16we decided to stop fighting and, you know, simply get our own jugs.
04:23Annoyingly, however, the jugs were filled with fluid.
04:25What are we supposed to do to all this fluid?
04:27Uh, yeah.
04:30Can't really play them as an instrument until we...
04:32Oh.
04:33Yeah, that's a problem.
04:34Yeah, we could wash the bar with it?
04:36Uh, you don't want to wash the bar with a water-based liquid.
04:40Make a fire and...
04:41Oh, oh, oh, make a fire.
04:42Make a fire and put it out.
04:43Put it out.
04:44What are you talking about?
04:45We're not going to make a fire.
04:46If we start a fire...
04:47Why would we start a fire?
04:48So we have a reason to use all this liquid.
04:50After an hour-long argument about the best way to dispose of the fluid, we caved and decided
04:55the best way to make the jugs empty was to simply drink the water.
04:58Now, if I'm braising something, is that a way to cook something or is that shellacking
05:03in it?
05:04Like, am I putting sauce on it?
05:05The inadvertent effect of the water cooler was not just hydration, the conversation.
05:09Is it about the sauce or the cooking technique?
05:10It's about both.
05:11The crispy.
05:12About both.
05:13The water tank became a think tank for business scaffolding as well as recent health initiatives
05:16and, you know, general interest.
05:18Well, now I've taken to using baby oil almost exclusively when I get out of the shower.
05:23You know, I don't know if you guys know this, but you can actually put a tablespoon of baby
05:27oil in your coffee in the morning and it resets the pH balance of your gut biome.
05:31You drink it?
05:32You know, if you're going to dump stuff, the best place is the ocean.
05:35I mean, you know, in a pinch, you go to a lake or a river, but you want to get rid of
05:40something, the ocean is the only way to go.
05:42Dennis, how do they get the oil out of the baby?
05:45Do they have to mash the babies up or grind them?
05:48Is it babies that are sick and dying already or what is the...
05:51Don't be an idiot, Charlie.
05:53The babies are alive.
05:54They just wring them out like an old rag.
05:56The Cybertruck is by far the coolest piece of machinery that the space nerd has ever made.
06:01Absolutely.
06:02I love that truck.
06:03I'm furious that all cars don't look like that.
06:04Totally.
06:05You know what it is?
06:06It delivers on the promise of the future from our youth.
06:08Yes.
06:09Right?
06:10We thought all cars were going to look like that back in the day.
06:11They were supposed to look like that.
06:12You know, hot lines, sharp corners, DeLorean-like materials.
06:14Oh, I know.
06:15It's the transportation fitting of a Terminator.
06:17Totally a Terminator.
06:18Absolutely.
06:19Yeah, it's like a rhombus on wheels.
06:20That's right.
06:21Yeah, no, absolutely.
06:22We were firing on all cylinders.
06:23But things took a most exciting turn when one particular topic was raised.
06:27Gentlemen, what are your thoughts on slap fighting?
06:30Slap fighting?
06:32I'm unaware of this.
06:34Oh.
06:35Well, let me tell you.
06:36Just like the Cybertruck is the future of transportation, slap fighting is the future
06:40of dispute mitigation.
06:42And my God, was he right.
06:45We had to try our hand at it.
06:47The Egyptians, they liked the cats.
06:49They liked them.
06:50I know, but it's a cat-based society.
06:52You know what I mean?
06:53Yeah, but I understand that, but the cats are a huge part of their thing, man.
06:56They liked the cats.
06:57Everybody loved it.
06:58We swapped out the clawing for slapping.
06:59I mean, we were using it to settle arguments.
07:01We were using it to end the day, to start the day, to say goodbye, to say hello, to celebrate,
07:06to mourn, everything.
07:07You know?
07:08But then, Mac had a business idea.
07:13Gentlemen, let's discuss professional slap fighting.
07:17We were all slapped across the proverbial cheeks with this venture.
07:22Take your shirts off, though.
07:27It was this hand-face-based business venture that led to the offlining of certain corporate
07:34assets into various aquatic bodies.
07:36So, Mac is clearly the prime candidate to fall on the metaphorical sword here.
07:42Yes?
07:43Sure.
07:44Well, yeah, that, that, that, that, that ends up, right?
07:45That does seem to be the proper math thing, yes?
07:47Yeah.
07:48You agree?
07:49I do hear you guys on this.
07:50As long as we're outside of the earshot of this reporter, I'd like to add, you can stick
07:53this line of logic up your various assholes.
07:55Hmm.
07:56All right, that's a...
07:57Interesting point.
07:58...harsher language than I thought we were allowed to use here, but...
08:00Also, Dennis is leaving out a core friction point.
08:03Things were going smoothly until Dennis pointed out that the whole thing sorely lacked eroticism.
08:08Slaps and profits have gone up.
08:10That's great.
08:11But chick saturation has gone down.
08:13That's not good.
08:14The whole thing is sorely lacking eroticism.
08:17The data is alarming.
08:19Yeah.
08:20Let's fix that.
08:21Yeah, yeah.
08:22Go on.
08:23He pitched something with the eroticism of mud wrestling and the aggression of a cyber truck.
08:27The world just has not delivered on the future that we were promised when we were growing up.
08:31We were promised mud wrestling.
08:33We were promised wet t-shirt contests.
08:35We were promised women going wild.
08:37At a certain point, we stopped women from going wild.
08:40Why did we do that?
08:41They wanna go wild.
08:42They should go wild.
08:43They want to go wild.
08:45Let's let them go wild.
08:47They're too dry!
08:48And so they don't feel wild!
08:50Yeah, exactly.
08:51Guys, let's get back to our core values.
08:53There is an underserved market for one-on-one erotic sport competition between scantily clad, oiled-up women.
09:01He proposed pivoting away from dudes and investing all of our resources more heavily into women and baby oil.
09:07This is why Dennis' head must roll.
09:14I compliment him on the innovation, but the idea was a little chunky, if I'm being honest.
09:20My personal distaste for women aside, I think he crapped the bed on the execution.
09:23We were over-leveraged in the baby oil department and sub-sequential environmental what-have-yous.
09:29From the off-lining have left us in this particular situation, which is why I nominate Dennis.
09:34Right time, right skull.
09:36I like it. I like it.
09:37I gotta say, I'm impressed.
09:38You know, you're coming at me open kimono here, and I appreciate that, so kudos.
09:41You know, but I do think we need to helicopter up, stretch the vantage point a little bit.
09:45I think we need to chew on the key protein here, which I believe to be D.
09:50With the women slappers in the bar, we were thriving, but we weren't quite reaching the erotic escape velocity that I was hoping for.
09:58I mean, there's just, it's really all it is, is there's one lingering problem with the women.
10:02Why? They're ugly.
10:03They're ugly.
10:04I didn't want to say it, but they are ugly.
10:06Yeah.
10:07They're a bit gruff, aren't they?
10:08The big issue for me is you can't put baby oil on any of these women. You know, they'll bite you.
10:13Oh, I had one almost bend my arm completely in half. I tried to put baby oil on her and she did it.
10:17Oh, I got pinned by her too, man.
10:19Yeah, yeah. So, you know, like check saturation is up. That's good, but the attractive slash oil saturation is up.
10:25It's way down. It's way down. Why is that?
10:27It's way down.
10:28So, we need to find a way to lure in hotter women.
10:31Yeah, that's all it is. You know what I mean?
10:33Anybody got any ideas?
10:34Back in the day when we were taking down all the aluminum siding, what were we going to do with all that asbestos that was left?
10:40We dumped it in the Schuylkill.
10:41Oh, you did?
10:42Yeah. Okay.
10:43But in order to get them to do it, we lured them in with a Cadillac.
10:46Oh!
10:48That's what you got to do with a woman.
10:49You think we give these gals a Cadillac and we say, you know, you win the slap fight, you get a Cadillac?
10:53Everybody needs money.
10:54Wait!
10:55I know exactly what we should do.
10:57Oh!
10:58I was thinking the same thing.
11:02I doubt it.
11:03Look at this thing!
11:07Oh, man, Frank, baby, this is quite the prize.
11:09Nice and done, Frank.
11:11Yeah!
11:12Wow!
11:13Look at the hard angles on this.
11:14It's beautiful, man.
11:15The Cybertruck lured in a much sexier talent pool.
11:18We were really excited about the quality of Slapper, but there was one that stood out above all the others.
11:23I mean, we couldn't take our eyes off her.
11:25I can't wait to see the headlights on her.
11:28Yeah!
11:29Yeah, well, and you never will see him, Frank, because there's only one single headlight.
11:33It's a single headlight, yeah.
11:35We couldn't give her away.
11:36We had to have her.
11:37It wasn't long before we came up with a plan to retain her for ourselves.
11:40We would just have to win the slap contest, you know?
11:43We needed a ringer.
11:44Someone to tear through these waifish models and ensure the truck would remain in our portfolio.
11:48Figure something out.
11:50What are you guys doing?
11:51Huh?
11:52What are you guys doing?
11:53Huh?
11:54What are you guys doing?
11:55Huh?
11:56What are you guys doing?
11:57I'm Grup.
11:58D was tearing through girls like a paper shredder through company records and we knew she would
12:23as I had explained it with a graph. Lower the self-esteem the heart of the slap and D could
12:27take a hit too. Probably years of getting slapped around by Frank, right? Yeah. Those were the days.
12:32Oh yeah. Better say so, buddy. If you say so. She had it all and she delivered. Slap under slap. Sexy
12:39women, aggressive violence, futuristic trucks. Everything was going according to plan until D got
12:44knocked out. D, I thank you for your service. I love you like a sister. Well, I am your sister. Well,
12:51you know, familial ties notwithstanding. I think you kind of drained the kettle on that one. And hey,
12:56no offense, but I think you've proven yourself to be pretty good at taking a fall.
13:01Guys, I know things are getting hot, okay? But I think we're styling the wrong mannequin here.
13:06I would have won that competition if it wasn't for our associate deviating from the business plan.
13:10And that would be Charlie. Oh, uh, wow. He fell back on some old bad habits.
13:16Fool. What's up? What's going on? A new car? I like it. Pretty sweet. Is that Jill? What is this?
13:27Why are you here? Well, I got a business opportunity for you. Oh, a business opportunity? Yeah,
13:32check this out. Oh, good. Great. Yeah, you're going to like this. We're doing these, um,
13:35oiled up slap fights in the bar. Oiled up slap fights? Yeah, we're oiling girls and they're slapping
13:39each other. Are you oiling girls up? Yeah, so I could oil you or you could oil yourself. Did you come
13:43here to ask me if I want to get oiled by you? Are you stalking me again? Yeah, stalking? Whoa,
13:48since when did I ever stalk you? No, that's not my thing. Flirting maybe, but... Okay. Hey,
13:53look, you don't have to do it, but I will say that the winner of the thing is going to get a free
13:56truck, but I suppose you like this car better, you know? You're giving away a truck? A cyber truck.
14:07Little did he know that she wasn't just driving that crappy car, she was living in it.
14:13The allure of the cyber truck and a lifetime of petty miseries suffered by this woman rendered
14:25her unstoppable. Yeah, okay. Who's next? Uh, hey, I got an idea, all right? What if you
14:34and I get a little side pot going, right? You and me, we tone down on the slaps, we call
14:39a tie, and that way we can share the cyber truck. I was sucker punched. No. No. In your dreams. Yeah,
14:58no, you're looking right at her. She slapped the shit out of me, but I wasn't ready. It was uncalled for,
15:03and it wasn't fair. To make matters worse, Frank reversed course and refused to make her whole.
15:07What do you mean I don't get the truck? It's all in the terms and conditions. What? Look,
15:11cyber truck not included. Can you read? Oh my God! What? Oh my God, screw you. Screw you guys so hard.
15:20Oh, I'm taking this public. Don't you dare. Needless to say, she was pissed, and she promised to go
15:24public, and let's face it, we didn't have permits for any of this, which led to the panic and dumping
15:28of assets to erase the trail of corporate culture and create plausible deniability. So as the crow
15:34flies here, I think we could all see, from a bird's eye view, that had Charlie not invited the
15:38waitress, none of this would have happened. So Charlie should take the fall, and I would say
15:40I'll do respect, but I don't respect you. It's true, Charlie. We may have reached our inflection
15:44point. Okay, great. Yeah, that's all good. Yeah, and I'm hearing you guys, you know, ear-wise,
15:49and, you know, mouth-wise, giving me various wordables that are adding up to thoughts. This is good.
15:56I see how you're trying to clip my wings so that I can fly. That's not how birds work.
15:59That makes them unfly. Okay, I did not know that you were the bird expert, but I would
16:03like to pin it here, you know, before I fall on the sword and say that I was also using
16:07my eyeballs this entire time for various observables, because I realized that Frank was, you know,
16:16growing in hardness as the eroticism in the bar was increasing, and he was becoming as hard
16:22as a cyber truck himself, you know, which you could see. Cheese, of course, is also on
16:25this graph. Just keep going. Moving past. Well, the main thing here is that I think
16:30we now have our open sliced lamb, you know, open commando person. What? What are you saying?
16:37I'm saying it should be Frank, man, because he was throwing an orgy in the basement the entire
16:40time. What? Yes. I realized Frank was trying to capitalize on the erotic environment and pivot
16:46into a more orgasmic business model, right? And I noticed various unsavory investors were
16:53paying Frank to try to get in on the ground for him. Goddamn, you were not good at this.
16:57I'm just saying dudes are paying Frank to go into the basement.
17:00Mm-hmm. Right. And he was failing in his efforts to poach talent from the slapping pool.
17:04Ooh, I like those straps, and I can't wait to see it off. Let's go downstairs. And I knew
17:09this because chicks were slapping him constantly. But then I saw him trying to headhunt for new
17:14key players in this thing. Yo, baby, I need a prostitute. But he was running up against some
17:20logistical hurdles. Well, when's she coming back from the Bahamas? So the slap fighting in the
17:25basement full of men, the whole thing was just a big red flag. He had a target on his back and
17:28whatnot. So when the waitress got all pissed off, she wasn't going to get a Cybertruck and the police
17:34were potentially going to get involved. Frank panicked. He was worried about the orgy, which led to the
17:39dumping into the Schukels and whatnot. And so that is why he is the person that should take
17:45this fall. Also, there's still a bunch of dudes in the basement. Right now? What? There's like
17:51guys down there now. How many are down there? Eleven. Eleven dudes in the basement. No, the reporter
17:56could see all this. Yeah, one could come up. It could be an issue for us. Oh, shit. We've got to figure
18:00out what we're going to do and get her out of here. Oh, okay. Well, I agree with Charlie. I think Frank should
18:04take the fall for the whole thing. Well, that's insane. You drove a Cybertruck into the river. Well, I didn't know.
18:07I thought it was an aquatic vehicle. It should be, but it's not. If anything, it looks like it goes
18:12into space. Yeah, it should be. The liberal press is going to crucify us. Yes. I got to come clean.
18:18I think the truck is ugly. God damn it. I knew you were going to say that.
18:20I knew you were going to say that. I knew you were going to say that. I knew you were going to say that.
18:23This is crazy. You're going to go bullshit on this. All right. Enough, enough. I've had enough with the charts
18:28and the maps and the graphs. It's clear you're all good foot soldiers, loyal servants and whatnot. But it's time we
18:34connect the Legos here and boil down to our core values. Yes. Hammer down on our brand identity
18:41and come out open commando. I said the commando thing. Yeah, Charlie already said that. I thought
18:45it sounded cool and I want to circle back. Oh, if you're doing it, this is cool. Okay,
18:48I got a plan and this is it. Okay, here we go. Ma'am, we are finally ready to make our statement.
18:55Yeah, yeah. No comment. That said, we are no longer going to drink, serve or have anything to do that
19:06represents water. Water is not the cornerstone of our company. And we will hereby be getting rid of
19:12the water cooler. Gone. Gone. Excuse me, I'm not sure what you're talking about. Sorry, we got on
19:17talking like this when we started overhydrating. Yeah, we watched a couple YouTube clips about a
19:21corporate retreat, got some water, got hydrated. So we're not going to talk about that subject
19:25anymore. No comment is the main thing, right? Yeah, what I said in the beginning. Yeah,
19:29and no water. I'm sorry, do you think I'm a reporter? Yeah. No. I'm here for the orgy.
19:37Oh. Oh, good. Great. Great. Oh, hey guys, the whore's here.
19:44I was waiting for you. That's you guys, man. That's one woman. Yeah. Yeah, that's not an
19:52orgy. That's a... No. That's a gangbang. No, no, no. It's a gangbang, yeah. We really
19:57should find a way to exit Frank.
20:03The dog track, baby. $20, you rip Dennis' jacket. $10, you're going to eat that gum off
20:10the floor. I'll do it. No, what are you doing?
20:11FX is sunny. All new next Wednesday at 9 on FXX. Stream on Hulu.
20:36I wish I was somewhere home with me. Let's see. I don't know what I...
20:38I wish I was somewhere home with me. Let's see.
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