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NewsTranscript
00:00And this is Starmer massively on the back foot. You know, his party is currently literally behind reform in the polls, despite his enormous majority in the House of Commons.
00:14He's panicking and they've rustled up this pathetic stunt. Well, taxpayers are not going to be deceived by this, are they? You know, taxpayers are entitled to be absolutely bloody furious.
00:29Once again, their intelligence is being insulted and their hard earned cash is being squandered, arranging exclusive private jet travel for Albanians who, you know, let's be frank.
00:46Have broken the law, have broken the law.
00:48They've broken the law and what are they getting? Four seats each or something on the private jet.
00:53Isabel Oakeshott has gone full warrior mode and taken direct aim at Keir Starmer.
01:00And let me be clear, this wasn't one of those polite debates where everyone shakes hands after disagreeing.
01:06Picture a no-holds-barred takedown ending with a mic drop so sharp it left the room in stunned silence,
01:14while Starmer was left scrambling to gather the shattered pieces of his reputation like a drenched cat caught in a downpour.
01:23It isn't because the man is stupid. It's because, and this is a theme I keep returning to, he lacks judgment.
01:45And that is so important for somebody at the top of politics.
01:50If you've got, if you don't have the right judgment, you're not going to last long.
01:54So you asked the question, how does he get this off the front pages?
02:00Here's what I'm going to say about that.
02:03This is not going to go away until he reveals his secret.
02:08I don't know exactly what his secret is, but he sure as hell has got one or more secrets.
02:17And they relate in some way to Lord Ali and to his family.
02:23Keir Starmer entered politics as if he genuinely believed a cup of tea and an Excel spreadsheet could shake the nation to its core.
02:31Somehow, he's managed to turn the role of leader of the opposition into a series of dry lectures on tax codes,
02:40leaving many wondering if he's accidentally wandered into an accountancy conference.
02:44If charisma were currency, Keir would be rattling a tin outside Westminster, hoping for spare change.
02:51And then came Isabel Oakeshott, a woman with the subtlety of a sledgehammer and all the restraint of a toddler in a sweet shop.
03:00While Starmer was preparing to deliver yet another mind-numbing press briefing,
03:05Isabel stormed in like a political hurricane, armed with sharp satire, fiery jabs and a wrecking ball of words that smashed straight through the facade.
03:16Appropriate couple of jokes. He made light of it.
03:18He then did the rest of the speech without his jacket on, which is probably better look for him anyway.
03:23He had less glitter on it, didn't he, basically?
03:27I mean, anyone who puts a shine on Keir Starmer, there were people who are actually grateful for a little bit of gloss on Keir Starmer.
03:35It's very boring, generally comes across very uncharismatic, doesn't he?
03:40But I think the point here is that that should never have been allowed to happen.
03:45It could have been, as you say, something much more dangerous than glitter.
03:51And, you know, the assailant in that case actually did manhandle the leader of the opposition.
03:57Right from the start, Isabel didn't pull any punches.
04:01She strode in as if wielding a cast-iron pan, aiming it squarely at Keir Starmer, who, in her words, delivers speeches with all the enthusiasm of a BBC documentary voiceover on the drying of paint.
04:17Honestly, his voice has all the vitality of a lone sock emerging from the washing machine.
04:23Isabel managed to sum up the bleak state of modern politics in a single sentence.
04:29Starmer isn't just dull, he rambles endlessly.
04:34If there were an award for draining inspiration out of a room, he'd have been knighted as the Duke of Dullness at least twice by now.
04:41And if he thought he could get away with mumbling through yet another beige-hued press conference, unnoticed, Isabel was more than ready to shatter that silence with flares, with scathing wit, and a fireball of words hurled straight into the heart of the briefing.
04:59Right there, because most of us has any confidence in our border authorities to be checking who's coming in and out, who's overstaying.
05:11I mean, this is a complete nonsense.
05:14It will rely heavily on people voluntarily returning when their visas run out.
05:19I have no confidence whatsoever that this will be properly regulated, that the limits on it will be properly enforced.
05:30So what Starmer may well have done is open the doors to a whole other wave of immigration.
05:38And that is so politically dangerous for him.
05:41I mean, setting aside what it means for the country, it's really politically dangerous for him because...
05:48She didn't stop at criticising his speech either.
05:52Isabel went straight for the jugular, calling out his breathtaking flip-flopping.
05:57A man so indecisive, he makes Hamlet look like a battlefield general.
06:03Brexit?
06:04He was a staunch Remainer, right up until he suddenly remembered he needed votes from the North.
06:11And on gender identity.
06:13One day he's championing the right to self-identify.
06:16The next he's fumbling for a definition of woman, like he's watching Matt Walsh clips in a cafe with dodgy Wi-Fi.
06:24This is a politician who changes position faster than Boris Johnson changes the story about his next child.
06:31Oh, I think that Valsh is going to disintegrate really, really quickly.
06:36I thought that he was pretty weak once again.
06:41You know, each time he comes on, I'm afraid I see nothing that particularly impresses me.
06:47And trust me, I'd quite like to be impressed.
06:49You know, I'm not really wanting to list my bandwidth for the Tories is as probably minimal as most of the nations after 14 years.
07:01I thought he was really, Keir Starmer was really on the back foot about a number of things.
07:07A blow like a wooden mallet crashing down on hesitation, fierce as a lion pouncing on a sleeping prey.
07:16Isabel didn't miss a beat.
07:18She described Keir Starmer's so-called political direction as resembling a deranged ceiling fan spinning wildly in the middle of a storm.
07:26One moment, he's promising a bold new future.
07:31The next, he's curling up like a panicked financial analyst in the middle of a banking crash.
07:37If Starmer ever had a guiding principle, it's now buried deep beneath the crumbling foundations of the Labour Party.
07:45And then came the most cringeworthy act of all.
07:49The delusion of being a man of the people.
07:52Starmer seems to think that simply walking past a Greggs without flinching is enough to earn working class affection.
08:01He tries so hard to appear relatable, yet even holding a pint looks as awkward as if he's seeing liquid for the first time.
08:10Isabel compared his attempt at fake normality to a malfunctioning robot trying to blend in at a pub on match day.
08:19And honestly, she wasn't wrong.
08:22Starmer bowing his head in faux humility is about as convincing as Elon Musk trying to blend in at Wetherspoons.
08:30Isabel even tore the Sir title off him.
08:33Because nothing screams in touch with the struggling masses, like being knighted and then pretending to understand the cost of living crisis.
08:41She said he wears that honour like a plastic crown at a children's birthday party.
08:45Flashy, flashy, but hollow.
08:49The only sword he's ever drawn, she quipped, exists in some polished legal metaphor.
08:56And now it's stuck fast in his own tangled rhetoric.
08:59Oh, we don't like Rishi's chairs.
09:03Can we change them?
09:04Ā£28,643 on new chairs and new desks.
09:12Furniture.
09:13That's outrageous, isn't it?
09:15I mean, these buildings are actually really small.
09:21You know, when you go into them, you would be struck by just how small they are.
09:26So there isn't actually room for that many chairs and desks.
09:30So I'm intrigued to know how many were purchased for these colossal sums.
09:36But it's very symbolic of the whole attitude to waste of taxpayers' money, isn't it?
09:43It's public money, your money, my money, all of our listeners' money.
09:48And if you can't get a good deal on your home furniture, then what possible hope have you got a good deal of running the country
09:56and all the major things that you need to procure?
09:59You know, this should be the easiest task, you know, and I'm pretty sure Habitat would have done.
10:06I don't think they needed to do it at all.
10:09Don't worry.
10:11Keir Starmer has a strategy.
10:13He's meticulously engineered his public image like a lab experiment.
10:18Every press release polished to the point of coma-inducing caution.
10:23Sadly for him, Isabel doesn't come equipped with the same toolkit.
10:27She mocked that if Starmer were any more manufactured, he'd need a barcode.
10:33His speeches, she said, sound like they've been blended, strained and pre-packaged,
10:39ready to be served on the NHS low-fat menu.
10:42And his delivery, like a supply teacher forced to recite poetry about mildew to a half-asleep classroom.
10:50Then came the economy.
10:53Brace yourself, because Starmer is now proclaiming that Labour will be fiscally responsible.
11:00Sounds laughable.
11:01Imagine someone announcing they're about to juggle fire, while wearing oven mitts and a blindfold.
11:07Isabel was quick to highlight the absurdity of a man who once railed against Tory austerity,
11:12now proposing a spending freeze of his own, just wrapped in nicer language.
11:19According to her, it's still austerity, simply dipped in gloss and served with a side of spin.
11:28Starmer is trying to present himself as the responsible adult in the room,
11:32the competent figure the public can finally trust.
11:36And yes, compared to the Tory clown car, he does resemble a rather likeable librarian.
11:44But Isabel wasn't buying it.
11:46She sliced through that illusion like a hot knife through butter.
11:50She made it clear.
11:52Simply being less chaotic than a Conservative MP isn't a policy.
11:58It's the bare minimum.
12:00And Starmer clears it with the shrugging detachment of a man allergic to commitment.
12:06I mean, brilliant breakthrough.
12:09Eight Albanians.
12:11Eight after two years.
12:14Bloody marvellous.
12:16What a fantastic use of taxpayers' money.
12:19And what the hell is the British taxpayer doing putting money into Albanian prisons?
12:28I mean, what?
12:30And why are we helping them net zero their police vehicles or prison vans or whatever that was?
12:37It's just ridiculous.
12:38You know, we cannot be the kind of charity of the world.
12:43This just isn't sustainable.
12:45His cabinet may be standing by for instructions.
12:48But Isabel?
12:50She couldn't help herself.
12:53To her, the entire front bench looked like a meeting of office managers who've just discovered the reply-all button on Outlook.
13:00Rachel Reeves speaks like someone frantically trying to finish their tax return five minutes before the deadline.
13:10Angela Rayner, bless her, at least has a bit of fire in her delivery.
13:15The problem?
13:16Half the party is terrified she might accidentally say something she actually believes.
13:22And we're streeting.
13:25He's still updating his LinkedIn, just in case politics doesn't pan out.
13:30And Starmer's latest big idea.
13:33A mission-led government.
13:35Because nothing stirs the national soul like a vague slogan printed in Helvetica.
13:42Isabel called it political PowerPoint.
13:45Slick, soulless, and thoroughly uninspiring.
13:49Buzzwords instead of vision.
13:52Data points instead of conviction.
13:55His missions are so dull, even ChatGPT would nod off trying to write about them.
14:01And that line about making Britain the fastest-growing economy in the G7?
14:07That's not a policy.
14:09It's the kind of slogan you scribble down after binge-watching a few episodes of The Apprentice.
14:13And thinking you're a strategist.
14:17On immigration, Starmer is even more muddled.
14:19He's got the courage of a man peeking through the curtains.
14:23He wants to be tough but kind.
14:26Firm yet compassionate.
14:28It's like trying to grill a steak while keeping it vegan.
14:32Isabel didn't miss the chance to jab, comparing Starmer's avoidance of specifics to a game of hide-and-seek with the electorate.
14:41One minute he's defending refugees.
14:44The next he's understanding voters' anxieties.
14:48The only thing Starmer is truly unwavering on.
14:52His unwavering refusal to commit to anything at all.
14:56Isabel Oakeshott didn't hesitate to tear into Keir Starmer's election strategy, if you can even call it that.
15:02She mocked the idea that his grand plan to beat Rishi Sunak had anything to do with inspiration or leading a movement.
15:11No.
15:12According to her, it boils down to hoping the British public gets so thoroughly fed up with the Tories that they vote Labour out of sheer exhaustion.
15:21Like changing the wallpaper.
15:24Not because they like the new pattern, but because they simply can't stand looking at the old one anymore.
15:31This, she said, isn't a campaign.
15:34It's a prolonged national sigh.
15:37In Isabel's view, Starmer isn't leading a political movement.
15:41He's chairing a support group for people who've given up on politics altogether.
15:45You can almost picture him shuffling in with a lukewarm decaf coffee and a flimsy pamphlet titled Rebuilding Trust.
15:55Which everyone knows really means, please don't expect too much.
16:01What amused Isabel wasn't just what Starmer says.
16:04It's what he persistently avoids saying.
16:07For him, political commitment is something to be feared.
16:12As if each promise contains a ghost of accountability.
16:15Whenever asked for a stance, he retreats into anemic phrases like difficult choices or the right balance.
16:24Sounding more like someone trying to calm a boardroom of HR managers after a failed KPI meeting.
16:31He has elevated saying nothing to an art form.
16:34So much so that you could submit the transcript of his next speech as a blank word document and no one would question it.
16:41Watching him operate is like watching someone attempt to build an IKEA wardrobe without any screws.
16:48Plenty of effort.
16:50Nothing holding it together.
16:51Even when he tries to be edgy, he fails in unintentionally hilarious ways.
16:58Remember, beer gate.
17:00That was supposed to be his moment of rebellion.
17:04But as Isabel quipped,
17:05His idea of rule-breaking is less bad boy and more like a librarian in a leather jacket.
17:13Watching him bend the rules is like watching someone cross the street with excessive caution,
17:18then apologizing for inconveniencing the traffic.
17:22Starmer's idea of living dangerously might be sipping tea while the traffic light's on amber
17:29and wondering if the mug is recyclable.
17:33He's not dangerous.
17:35He's not even mildly disruptive.
17:37He is the human embodiment of airplane mode.
17:41Technically on, but disconnected from everything around him.
17:46In the end, Isabel didn't just criticize.
17:49She slow-roasted him over a fire of mockery,
17:53skewered with bland soundbites and beige policy spreadsheets.
17:57Starmer, she concluded, isn't a visionary leader,
18:02but a man who has committed himself so fully to being harmless,
18:06he's become almost invisible.
18:09Still, credit where it's due,
18:11he's consistent, consistently dull, consistently vague,
18:16and consistently uninspiring.
18:19Did he once stand for something?
18:22Possibly.
18:22But if he did, it was folded away the moment a poll told him it might be unpopular.
18:29Isabel didn't need exaggeration.
18:32She simply pointed at a bowl of lukewarm political soup and asked,
18:37Is this really your vision for Britain?
18:41And that was enough.
18:44Starmer wasn't just mocked.
18:46He was exposed.
18:47With scalpel-sharp satire and unforgiving clarity,
18:52she laid him bare.
18:54Someone, please, give him a real opinion.
18:57Because right now,
18:58he's one pause away from becoming an out-of-office email.
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