PEOPLE SNOGGING IN PUBLIC PLACES By Jack Thorne

Oldtuberadio

A frank and funny coming of age story about the fluctuating friendship between an uncle and his nephew. Winner of the Sony Gold Award 2010.  James ..... Rupert Simonian Patrick ..... Adrian Scarborough Angela ..... Lindsey Coulson Tim ..... Philip Fox Pete ..... Jamie DiSpirito Lisa ..... Candassaie Liburd Alice ..... Lizzy Watts Phyllis ..... Annabelle Dowler Mr Morris ..... Paul Rider Doctor ..... Matt Addis Speaking Clock ..... Malcolm Tierney  Sound Design ..... Caleb Knightley Produced by ..... Steven Canny  Won the 2010 Sony Gold Award for best drama and was runner up for the Prix Italia. People Snogging in Public Places is written by one of the country's leading young writers. Jack Thorne has written three other plays for radio and has written Shameless, Skins and This is England '86 (with Shane Meadows) all for television. Last year also saw the release and his film The Scouting Book for Boys.  Do you enjoy the variety on Oldtuberadio? Like, Share and Subscribe to be notified of our new shows #radio #crime #thriller #drama To Support this channel please visit https://www.buymeacoffee.com/oldtuberadio https://ko-fi.com/oldtuberadio98 https://www.patreon.com/oldtuberadio https://locals.com/Oldtuberadio

Transcript

00:00Saturday, 3rd of March, 1994.

00:14New shoes.

00:15What?

00:16New shoes.

00:18Are they?

00:20Mother took me to Marks and Spencer.

00:23They're soft leather.

00:25I didn't notice.

00:27They look nice.

00:2834 pounds, 99 pence.

00:31I wanted to go cheaper, but Mother said that I had the money for 34 pounds, 99 pence.

00:40So I might as well spend 34 pounds, 99 pence.

00:47Yes.

00:48Mum's usually right about most things.

00:50Where are we going, James?

00:53Just walking.

00:54Okay.

00:55Did you like the television?

00:58No.

00:59Oh, you seem to be laughing.

01:02Oh.

01:03Yes, I like the television.

01:07Okay then.

01:08Yes.

01:09Shall we sit on this bench?

01:12Okay.

01:14Do you like this bench?

01:15No.

01:16It's quite comfortable though.

01:17Yes.

01:18I like this bench.

01:19Do you want to play a game?

01:20Okay.

01:21I'm going to run away.

01:22And...

01:23You want me to find you, James?

01:24No.

01:25I'll find you.

01:26You stay on this bench.

01:27And I'll find you.

01:28That's the game.

01:29Yes.

01:30You've got to stay here.

01:31Can you do that?

01:32Yes.

01:33Yes.

01:34I like this bench.

01:35Yes.

01:36I like this bench.

01:37Do you want to play a game?

01:38Okay.

01:39I'm going to run away.

01:40And...

01:41You want me to find you, James?

01:42No.

01:43I'll find you.

01:44You stay on this bench.

01:46And I'll find you.

01:47That's the game.

01:48Yes.

01:49You've got to stay here.

01:50Can you do that?

01:51Yes.

01:52Okay.

01:53See you then.

01:54Bye, James.

01:55Yeah.

01:56Bye.

01:57Three.

01:58Days.

01:59Earlier.

02:00It's an excellent night because we have Mr. David at night to...

02:02Oh.

02:03No.

02:04No.

02:05No.

02:06No.

02:07No.

02:08No.

02:09No.

02:10No.

02:11No.

02:12No.

02:13No.

02:14No.

02:15No.

02:16No.

02:17No.

02:18No.

02:19No.

02:20No.

02:21No.

02:22No.

02:23No.

02:24No.

02:25No.

02:26No.

02:27No.

02:28No.

02:29No.

02:30No.

02:31No.

02:32No.

02:33No.

02:34No.

02:35No.

02:36No.

02:37No.

02:38No.

02:39No.

02:40No.

02:41No.

02:42No.

02:43No.

02:44No.

02:45No.

02:46No.

02:47No.

02:48No.

02:49No.

02:50No.

02:51No.

02:52No.

02:53No.

02:54No.

02:55No.

02:56No.

02:57No.

02:58now i've heard lots of bad noises in my time

03:03my grandma's last breath not that i'm i'm self-diagnosed autistic i didn't really give

03:11a monkey about that and i made the wrong face and sort of smiled and mom caught my eye and said

03:17to my dad perhaps you better take the kids outside what no i should be supporting you

03:26take them outside please

03:28now objectively that's a bad noise to hear right someone dying equally i've had the misfortune

03:40to hear okay shag james matthews will be shagged by a dog pete what what are you really asking

03:47what because i bought you you know that don't be a pussy answer the question no yeah no peter

03:52is that okay yes lisa okay what kind of dog would it make a difference watch a world

04:00was hardly an alsation is it all right great dame and they always get all shit all over

04:04their knobs because they can't shit properly sod it great dame better dog shit up me than

04:10james matthews you're a dirty thing eh kids debating how disgusting i james matthews

04:17i actually am don't do that pete get your hand out my bra jesus while i'm hid in the stationary

04:23cupboard and i'm sort of in love with the second one who spoke lisa well not love and she's with

04:31pete the one who spoke first and i'm i'm autistic anyway that is a bad thing to hear the person

04:38you love saying she'd rather be plunkered by a dog's shitty knob than by you know you and thirdly

04:44thirdly there's do you want a tissue no i don't want a tissue i want these images out of my head

04:51you and a i don't it's not love it's just oh she she makes me feel you dare you dare say she makes

05:01you feel young you that much of a cliche because i'd rather you bought a fast car i should make you

05:08feel young i me but you're as old as i am thirdly my dad telling my mom about an affair while me and

05:20my sister listened in the room next door and pretended to watch eastenders and the worst thing

05:26about it wasn't the way my dad said it or the fact that he chose to do it while they were doing the

05:30washing up mid-evening on a thursday classy it was the way my mom just rolled over she'd hugged him by

05:36the end of that conversation i'm sorry i'm sorry anyway lots of bad noises

05:46but none of them none of these noises sounds overheard conversations can even start to compete

05:55to upset me as much as the noise of my uncle masturbating it's not so much the squeaking

06:02or the grunting he hasn't started grunting yet give him a minute or two

06:06it's the inevitability because with all those things grandma dying me being categorized as a worse

06:20slave than a great dane with a shitty knob and my dad telling my mom that she makes me feel so young

06:27she makes me feel there are songs to be sung all those noises i know will stop

06:33and i knew would stop at the time it was simply a matter of living through them but

06:42well i'm going to hear that every night until either i leave home or he does or one of us dies or the

06:52house is burnt down no it's not the noise it's the inevitability that gets to me he's lived with us for

07:01two months now since

07:08my grandma's last breath

07:10my mom's sister carrie got granddad

07:13bit pink

07:14bit useless

07:14bit senile

07:15but fundamentally house trained

07:17we got patrick

07:19and he went to live in the spare room

07:21which is adjacent to mine and he

07:23well

07:24he's wanked every night since

07:27i've tried everything to block out the noise

07:30earplugs

07:35music

07:41i've even tried wanking myself

07:47but that felt odd

07:49so now i just listen

07:51and occasionally time it

07:53and wait for the small but significant orgasm noise he makes

07:56and then

08:01then we both roll over and try and sleep

08:05and eventually

08:07we both succeed

08:08the trouble with not sleeping much at night is you have to grab your chances during the day

08:22sleeping in the bath

08:24complicated

08:25dangerous

08:26but possible

08:27sleeping in the shower

08:28seemingly

08:29only i can do that

08:31i am clearly a sleeping genius

08:33get out of the bathroom james

08:37my sister

08:38we sort of get on

08:40if i'm honest

08:41i'd say she's the nicest person i know

08:43nicest to me anyway

08:45james

08:47if you don't get out right now

08:49i'm gonna tell the whole school about the time you shit yourself and didn't think anyone noticed

08:53i have problems with my sinuses

08:55i was late for flute

08:57and i genuinely didn't think anyone would notice

09:00probably the beginnings of the autism thing

09:02i was eight

09:03it's complicated

09:05she's really quite charming

09:07tampons have changed a bit

09:09why don't you just use a cork

09:11you don't even look clean

09:12you've been in there twenty minutes

09:13and you don't

09:14ah forget it

09:15morning

09:17morning uncle patrick

09:19morning

09:21he always repeats himself twice

09:23or answers you when he's already instigated

09:25it's part of his charm

09:27when i was younger

09:29will you look at that

09:33woo woo woo woo

09:35woo woo

09:37no

09:39i'm not going to get into that now

09:41so how are you this morning uncle pat

09:43yes

09:45ok

09:46he moves closer

09:47he never washes

09:49instead

09:50he smells vaguely of mildew and woman's hand cream

09:53i think

09:54there was something on the wireless about the trains

09:59what's that

10:00he likes trains

10:01we used to go watch them together

10:03that was the

10:04sometimes the best times i had as a kid was walking down to the trains with him and writing down the

10:10your mother downstairs

10:12yeah

10:13probably

10:14she usually is

10:16mother

10:18mother

10:20were you listening to the wireless

10:24anyway

10:26it's probably not an exaggeration to say my life can be divided into ap and bp

10:31after patrick and before patrick

10:33he's like jesus

10:34only slightly less significant for everyone else except me

10:37ok

10:38to begin at the beginning

10:40it's 1948

10:42an exciting time

10:44if you're interested in the birth of the welfare state

10:46or the birth of my mum

10:48okay

10:51almost there

10:52now pamp for the head

10:54here she comes

10:56i say here she comes

10:58and she's

10:58it's a little girl

11:01what a true

11:04but she is

11:05my mum

11:06the second child of phyllis and albert

11:09the first child being

11:10mother

11:13mother

11:15mother

11:17were you listening to the wireless

11:19uncle patrick

11:20is she

11:21ok

11:22all fingers and toes accounted for and approved

11:26no but

11:27but is she

11:27she's

11:28fine

11:29can i

11:31hold her

11:34my grandma

11:35there's no one quite like grandma

11:38and i know you will agree

11:41she always is a friend to you

11:45and she's a friend to me

11:48a nice but flawed lady

11:50and a complete doormat who expected her eldest daughter to be the same

11:54well

11:55i'm skipping ahead

11:57back to me

11:58school

11:59i'm not bullied

12:01at least not by the classical definition

12:04did he hit you

12:05did he humiliate you in front of all your friends

12:08did he call you nasty names

12:09did he put you in a dress

12:11apply strawberry shortcake lipstick

12:13and make you sing pat-a-cake pat-a-cake pat-a-cake

12:16no

12:16i'm simply ignored

12:19occasionally i'm the subject of vile overhead abuse

12:22okay shagged james matthews or be shagged by a dog

12:24but mostly i'm ignored

12:26i don't exist

12:27i'm like bed lice

12:29i can't be seen

12:30i just vaguely annoy people

12:33and if i tried to start a conversation with someone

12:36they'd be vaguely humiliated that i'd chosen them and vaguely worried i thought i existed in their social sphere

12:41which is not to say i have to wander around the playground by myself every day

12:44no

12:45i'm a library monitor

12:47a place that's all about solitude and quiet

12:49and as such

12:50ideal for me

12:51because i said

12:52shh

12:52and she said

12:53shh

12:54no talking

12:54as i said

12:56ideal

12:57sometimes i question why i turned out like this

13:00mostly i

13:01shh

13:01no talking

13:03sorry

13:03and a plus x over 10

13:07equals 30

13:09so x is

13:11anyone

13:12anyone

13:14okay so this all known

13:16how can i possibly claim that my life was made any worse by patrick's arrival

13:19my life was already shit

13:21and the square root of james's shitness is pi

13:26divided by x

13:28minus 453

13:31and

13:31anyone

13:33anyone

13:34anyone

13:35but it was containable

13:36i mostly didn't feel any emotion at all

13:39lunchtime

13:40library

13:40fine

13:41the only time i had to survive with other people was 20 minute break and then i

13:46less of a stampede more of an elephant mark

13:49people

13:50people

13:51and then i

13:53i mostly just

13:55i mean

13:56autism is a very useful thing to have when your life's shit

13:59hey

14:00i mean

14:00it just is

14:02hey

14:02sorry

14:03hey

14:04sorry

14:05for what

14:06what are you sorry for mate

14:07um

14:08stuff

14:09sorry were you uh

14:11are you talking to me

14:12yeah hey

14:13um

14:13yeah i'm pete

14:14i know i've been in your class for two years

14:17yeah right i just hi hi hi hi hi so there was i'd heard you got an amp guitar amp they used it in the school

14:26battle of the bands yeah they used my amp marshall 12 000 series well we didn't do battle of the bands they told us we couldn't swear so we're like fuck it i know so can i borrow it what your amp could i borrow yours we're doing a gig in town on saturday my amp's all

14:31can i borrow yours

14:44can i borrow yours

14:45what what

14:46what

14:47problemo

14:48i mean it's a problem no no no i mean no that'd be great i mean better for you than me but great

14:58that'd be great

15:00okay then

15:01uh which shall i just uh bring it into school or

15:04uh right uh give me your address i'll come by saturday afternoon or something

15:08okay it's uh oh i'll write it down here

15:11yeah

15:15yeah

15:16so it's saturday then

15:17yeah

15:18okay

15:20saturday

15:21yeah

15:22saturday

15:24i remember

15:26i don't need to write that down

15:28okay

15:29okay

15:32okay

15:36okay

15:39that was pete

15:42that was pete

15:44as in

15:46that was pete

15:51pete doesn't

15:53i mean

15:54he hasn't

15:56i mean

15:57he genuinely thought we hadn't met

16:00he didn't know my name

16:02i mean

16:04that's pete

16:06he's going out with lisa

16:08pete

16:09pete

16:10just

16:11spoke to me

16:15come to the barbecue and sit by my side

16:19we couldn't choose a better night if we tried

16:23can't you imagine what a thrill it will be

16:27picking a chicken with me

16:30it's

16:32picking a chicken

16:33yeah it's okay isn't it

16:35can you imagine anything more stupid

16:37come on patrick

16:38dance with me

16:39yes

16:40dance with her patrick

16:41dance with her

16:42he didn't

16:45he didn't notice a problem with patrick until he was fifteen

16:48he'd always had issues

16:49he didn't pass the eleven plus

16:51no

16:52but he didn't have a problem with that

16:53no

16:54then my mum did pass

16:55yes

16:56no

16:57and went to the grammar

16:58and he got angry

17:00went to the library

17:01found the biggest book he could

17:02and took it home to read it in the living room every night

17:05both as an electoral and legislative instrument the popular referendum has inner limits

17:11which follow from its technical peculiarity

17:14he didn't understand these big books but he read them

17:17then his next sister down

17:19by the way my grandma was popping them out by there

17:22she'd had three more daughters by the time she was done

17:34and all of them

17:35all of them

17:36got into the grammar

17:38and well

17:39that got to him

17:40and he left school at fifteen

17:42he started to work on the railways like his dad

17:44my granddad

17:45and he worked with some blokes

17:47and he started to think they were talking about him

17:49which they were

17:50but he thought they were talking about him all the time

17:53he started to think that they were conspiring to make his life even shitter than it

17:57paranoia

17:59oral delusions

18:01and then he started using violence

18:03not bad

18:04breaking windows

18:05a lot of windows

18:08he thought everyone hated him

18:12and then he tried to beat up my grandma

18:14and my mum just sort of got in the way

18:17oh, you

18:19bloody

18:20please

18:21Unter бог

18:24there's no good bạn like loving

18:26and I know you will agree

18:29But Joyce is a friend to you

18:32And she's a friend to me

18:36Her wife

18:38�

18:39The worst play my mum took was when he bashed her on the head with some sort of...

18:44thing. She can't remember what. She was unconscious for three minutes. She also has a lump on her

18:50breastplate where she thinks he cracked it and the bone rejoined itself, but badly. He

18:57never wanted to hit her. He always wanted to hit her mum, my grandma, but she always

19:02got in the way and let him hit her. Her dad didn't. Her great Dane of a dad didn't. She

19:07did. I don't know when I became Uncle Pat's favourite. He wants me to take you and him

19:12to the cinema, see E.T. again. Okay, but I sort of did, and it really made my mum happy.

19:19He's brought you some sweets. He wants you to listen to records with him in his room while

19:23eating sweets. Sure, and I liked it. I mean, I loved it, because fundamentally you want

19:29to be the best when you're a kid, and my parents were always pretty good at not making either

19:33me or my sister feel like a favourite. So being a favourite of your paranoid schizophrenic uncle

19:39with severe learning difficulties, well, that's points, isn't it? My sister, he said,

19:44hello. To just, hello. Only, hello, Uncle Patrick. Hello. Me. He had whole long conversations

19:50with me about all kinds of stuff. It was brilliant. I won.

19:55Will you scratch my back? I like this record. Do you? Yes, me too. Will you scratch my

20:11back? Like this? You can use more nails. Like this? Yes, that's right.

20:25No. He loved me. He really loved me. But then I hit thirteen, and suddenly I knew he was

20:42wrong. The people who looked at us when we walked down the street, I couldn't see them

20:47before. But when I hit thirteen, I could. And he... I mean, he suffers from paranoia,

20:55if anyone's going to notice people treating him different. He rejected me before I could

21:00reject him. And my Aunt Carrie had young kids, and he sort of... well, they sort of became

21:07his friends instead. And I just became another one he said, hello, to. But by then that was

21:13fine. I mean, I knew he was different then. I noticed the people watching then. So actually,

21:21it was a relief.

21:24Oh. Good day.

21:26What?

21:26What? I do wonder what you think about. You're like a squirrel in that head of yours.

21:31No, not...

21:31Squirrel nutkins.

21:33My mum thinks I'm cute, because when I was little I used to walk behind everyone else on

21:36the way home from school, and pick weeds from between the pavements and stuff from the gutter

21:40and give them to her as a gift bouquet. For me? Lovely.

21:44She called me squirrel nutkins. But I think that was probably just a symptom of my autism.

21:50I didn't want to walk with everyone else. Flowers were just... an excuse.

21:54Good day.

21:55But hey, my mum was one of the nicest people I know. She sees the best in people. Even me.

22:02You want some toast?

22:03Mum, you're not in on Saturday, are you?

22:07Hmm? Saturday? No, love. I'm going shopping with your sister. I asked you if it was okay. Remember? Is it okay?

22:16Yeah. Yeah. And... Dad?

22:20Oh, I expect your dad's working. If you want one of us to be free...

22:24No. Um... Um... No?

22:28No. Saturday will just be you and Patrick.

22:31Hello.

22:32What?

22:32Well, that's why I asked. Whether it was okay for me and Alice to go out. She wants us to go up Reading where no one will notice us. We need to keep an eye on him.

22:41Hello.

22:42What?

22:43You feeling okay, love? You've gone all pale.

22:46Oh, right. Give me your address. I'll come by Saturday afternoon or something.

22:58Okay. It's... Oh, I'll write it down. Yeah.

23:03See you Saturday then.

23:04Yeah. Okay. Saturday. Yeah. Saturday. I remember. I don't need to write that down.

23:14Hello. Can I speak to Pete, please?

23:39at the third stroke the time will be 10 25 and 30 seconds

23:47at the third stroke the time will be 10 25 and 40 seconds hi pete it's james from school

23:58we spoke the other day at the third stroke the time will be 10 25 and 15 seconds yeah mate i'm

24:05just ringing to say about saturday really it's not going to be a good time for me so it's not going

24:13to it's not oh this is going wrong at the third stroke it will be time to stop talking to the

24:21speaking clock and ring him and not be an arsehole i've always believed in practice and libraries

24:29i've always believed in practice and libraries if i had to say which were the two tenets i live my

24:34life by it'd be practice and libraries with autism as a sort of third tenet added extra happy meal

24:40sort of thing are you going to get off the phone what i've got calls to make i've actually got real

24:45friends remember who are you even ringing it better not be wank chat again i've never rung wank chat

24:51how long are you gonna be monkey boy five minutes is the right answer call me when you're done and

24:59if it isn't five minutes and tomorrow in school you'll tell everyone i shit myself i know well if

25:05you know you'll obey proof is in the pudding and i'm not the one with the spotty dick okay

25:10hi operator name and town you require newbury pete peter morris please uh that's his name

25:23he's my friend but he's a minor so it's probably under his dad's name and we have three morris's

25:29in newbury do you know a road oh uh yeah the new town road do you want to be connected directly

25:35yeah it's ringing thank you thanks hello hello i know who you are you prick i know you're calling

25:51for my wife and i'm gonna you come nearer you understand you understand yeah i understand

26:01alice i'm off the phone they first sectioned my uncle in 1963

26:10he broke all the display windows of an entire road of shops

26:13the police weren't pleased my grandma had been phoning them to break up fights every now and again

26:25so they knew but she'd never pressed any charges and uh anyway the police sectioned him or he was

26:33compulsorily taken as i think they called it then my mom was 15 he did six months in hospital that time

26:40drugs electroshock therapy

26:43okay nice and easy gently does it

26:50come to the barbecue and sit by my side we couldn't choose a better night if we try

27:01can't you imagine what a thrill it will be picking a chicken with me

27:09okay now okay now all done my mom says the electric shock thing works fine

27:16in fact granddad is having it now for his senility and his depression

27:20it's fine but the drugs and the shocks messed up on uncle pat

27:25he wasn't sick when he went into hospital he read big books

27:29he couldn't understand them but he read them

27:31he came out barely being able to tie a shoelace

27:34and shaking all the time shaking and addicted

27:42he was in and out of hospital and various drug regimes for the next 30 years

27:46and now he's not allowed out on his own anymore

27:49mom

27:51mom

27:53it's almost midnight

28:00you should be asleep i should be asleep

28:03mom

28:05you want me to come in

28:12yeah

28:14feel like i'm stepping on hallowed turf here

28:17been a while since you let me in your room

28:20can i ask a favor

28:22using your hallowed turf well are you

28:24get me to do what you want

28:27will you take patrick with you on saturday

28:30he'll like reading he'll he'll like the shops

28:36can i sit on your bed

28:37yeah

28:43there's two reasons why i'm not going to take patrick with us

28:47one

28:48your sister refused to go if he comes and uh...

28:51she doesn't like me very much at the moment

28:54and i need to

28:56well we need to spend some time together

28:58for both of us

29:02that's a good reason

29:04okay

29:05it's okay

29:06you don't need to give me a second it's fine

29:08the second reason is

29:10i think it'll do you good to spend some time with him

29:13you always used to be his favorite

29:16i think you can be friends again

29:18mom

29:18it's fine

29:20i hope you have an amazing time in redding

29:22oh sometimes i regret telling you all i did about patrick

29:27it's just you were so interested

29:29and it was nice talking about him with someone

29:32i'm pleased you told me

29:33but what you've got to remember is

29:35those times when we were afraid of him

29:38well that wasn't him

29:40not really

29:41no

29:43he's nice i know

29:44stop agreeing with me before i made my point okay

29:49you know after every holiday

29:51first day back at school

29:53every single time by about 10.30 in the morning

29:55he'd walk out of school

29:57just walk out of his lesson

29:59and walk home to mum

30:01yeah

30:01before we knew anything was really wrong with him

30:03every time

30:05and she'd walk him straight back

30:07and he knew that she would

30:09but he did it right up till he left

30:10a 14, 15 year old boy walking home to his mum

30:14it's not right is it

30:18i didn't survive two minutes in our place

30:20i guess box of shorts ripped off for that

30:24you don't live in the hood pet

30:26oh he's just a man

30:31and quite a nice man too

30:33he hasn't been violent for years

30:36he's just slow now

30:38i think he'll have fun together

30:41you can watch your teletapes together

30:43yeah

30:43okay

30:45teletapes be good

30:47okay

30:49okay

30:49night

30:51night

30:59this is not night

31:01this is not night

31:01it's hell

31:02it's hell

31:06it's an excellent night because we have Mr. David

31:13Lisa was nice to me once

31:32in woodwork

31:33i cut my finger

31:34well

31:35i say cut

31:36i mean sliced

31:38i sliced my finger almost in half actually

31:41and she

31:42sir

31:42sir come quick

31:43james

31:44she knew my name

31:45james cut his finger

31:46you're gonna be okay

31:47okay don't blub or nothing

31:49okay

31:50okay

31:51and then she took my hand

31:52the one that wasn't cut

31:54and so when the teacher came over and told me to go to the nurse

31:57i had to pretend i was fine

31:59because otherwise

32:00i'd have to stand up and risk showing everyone my erection

32:03it was glorious

32:06but the glory was short-lived

32:08for then i made the thick thick thick mistake of approaching her again

32:11to show her the bandage

32:13and what made it particularly thick thick thick

32:16was she was with her mates

32:18Lisa

32:18Lisa i got a bandage on my

32:20what

32:20oh

32:21yeah

32:22whatever

32:23congratulations

32:25and i thought about it afterwards

32:29if i just approached her alone

32:31because people in the crowd are just

32:33people in the crowd

32:35people on their own

32:37they can be nice to you on their own

32:39that's why

32:40i mean

32:41phoning pete was a scary call

32:43i know who you are

32:45you prick

32:46and i know i didn't get to talk to him

32:48because his dad accused me of being his mum's lover

32:50but if i had

32:52at least he would have been alone then

32:54because in school

32:56believe me

32:57pete is rarely out of his crowd

32:58heads up

32:59this is getting her tits out

33:01oh piss off i just got a button broke

33:02i tell you nothing more erotic than the flash of a baby grow bruh

33:06a baby grow

33:07shut up pete

33:08it's what makes us so entirely different

33:10anyway

33:12i wait

33:13and i watch

33:13and i finally catch him alone at p.e.

33:16he's a wing

33:17or a thigh

33:18or a

33:19i'm

33:20god

33:20i don't know

33:21wherever they put me

33:22i'm autistic

33:23i've not been passed

33:24during

33:25whatever the ball

33:26since 1986

33:27pete

33:28pete

33:29he looks at me slightly confused

33:32and i look at him all

33:33autistically

33:34i somehow forget to say anything

33:36and then a scrub

33:37or a line ball

33:38is called

33:39or some

33:39bloody

33:40he needs to do something

33:42he disappears for a while

33:43and then he comes back

33:44pete

33:46pete

33:47and he looks up at me

33:49again and again

33:50he looks

33:50confused

33:52but i'm not going to be

33:53all autistic this time

33:54pete

33:55about saturday

33:57and then the ball thing gets thrown over

33:59somewhere else

34:00and he runs over to

34:01get your game head phone dickhead

34:03speed please

34:05mouse

34:05sorry

34:06and finally

34:06i get my chance

34:08he's standing there

34:09i'm standing here

34:10we're marking

34:11or

34:12pete

34:12it's about saturday

34:14saturday

34:15saturday

34:16saturday

34:17saturday

34:18what about saturday

34:19and i can genuinely say

34:21i didn't notice the ball flying towards me

34:23it was as much of a shock to the person throwing it

34:25that i was the one he'd thrown to as it was to me

34:27but i caught it

34:28you'd say instinctively

34:30and then pete tackled me

34:32and i never breathed again

34:35and he pinched the ball from me

34:37and ran down the field

34:38and scored

34:38whatever they score in this stupid game

34:40and my chance was lost

34:43i consider every option again that night

34:46phone

34:47i know who you are

34:49person to person

34:50no

34:52no

34:53no

34:54my mind's so busy

34:55i even vaguely block out the noise of my uncle masturbating

34:58i even go so crazy

35:00that at one point

35:01i actually consider introducing pete and patrick

35:03pete

35:04this is patrick

35:05patrick

35:06pete

35:07hey

35:08you guys should be mates

35:09your names both begin with the letter p

35:11hello

35:15hi

35:16hello

35:21hi

35:22hello

35:26are you just going to keep saying hello

35:28did you listen to the wireless this morning

35:33there was something about

35:35at 4am

35:36i come up with the idea of sitting on my amp

35:38outside my house

35:39and just

35:40waiting

35:41you know

35:42at the third stroke

35:44the time will be

35:45at the third stroke

35:46at the third stroke

35:47but by the next morning

35:50i've come up with a proper plan

35:51this is nice

35:53family breakfast

35:54i'm so hungover

35:56yes

35:56we don't need to hear about that

35:57you are 16 years old

35:59if you didn't remember

35:59yeah

36:00and you're 14

36:01and cheat on mum

36:02so we both get in the cliche

36:03but don't we

36:04hi miss

36:04please

36:05hello

36:05i'm going to make some bacon

36:07morning patrick

36:08anyone hear the wireless this morning

36:12there was a thing about cheese

36:15did you hear it mother

36:18not your mother patrick

36:20it was about cheese

36:22cheese

36:25different cheese

36:28can i make the bacon

36:29do you want bacon patrick

36:31yes

36:32i'll have a bit of bacon

36:35alice

36:35i want to die

36:37i actually think i might be brain damaged

36:39three rashes

36:39you can do some eggs

36:41james

36:42bit of a treat

36:43bacon

36:43eggs

36:44no i'm okay

36:45i'll have a bit of bacon

36:48i like bacon

36:50did anyone hear the wireless

36:53me and alice are going

36:54alice and i

36:55i'm going shopping today patrick

36:57going to redding

36:58you're spending the day with james

36:59hi

37:00hello

37:01wouldn't that be nice

37:02and i'm gonna work my weekend

37:04so i can afford to pay

37:05for whatever my wife thinks appropriate

37:07to buy our daughter's love

37:08why

37:08she doesn't have to buy me anything

37:10james are you sure about the bacon

37:11bit of a treat

37:12he doesn't have to have bacon

37:14everyone stop shouting

37:15no one's shouting

37:16this is a nice family breakfast

37:19oh god i'm sweating beer

37:21i'm gonna have to change my top

37:23i'm not saying here why you fry pig

37:26i feel like someone has put a cigar at my rectum

37:28rectum

37:29a breakfast

37:30i'm going or didn't you hear that

37:32alice eat something

37:34i'm going to eat in front of the telly

37:35can you bring it through love

37:36sure

37:37nice family breakfast

37:42just the three of us

37:44you're a funny little man

37:48mother

37:49there was something on the wireless

37:52about

37:53jeez

37:55the amp was a

37:57sorry i shagged someone else

37:58present

37:59my sister went on the school ski trip

38:06which we couldn't afford

38:08i got an amp

38:09i wouldn't have brought it up

38:11what we heard

38:12but alice thought it was a matter of feminine rights

38:14i already had a guitar

38:16it's what i want to play

38:17but i also play flute

38:19because that's what they want me to play

38:21anyway

38:21i'm quite good

38:23and i

38:31well

38:32it does make me

38:33there was a part of me that hoped pete might want a demonstration

38:37how the amp worked best

38:38and i could

38:39and then i imagine patrick answering the door

38:44and my big victory turning into

38:45they leave the house one after the other

38:49bye

38:50bye

38:51bye

38:52bye

38:53and then it's just me

38:56and him

38:57and telly tapes

38:59i tape off the television

39:01i collect series

39:02my mum buys me the vhs tapes for it

39:04she says it's a hobby

39:05three for five pounds

39:07the vhs

39:08i like a bit of television

39:10yeah

39:11me too

39:11tonight's show is

39:14hot

39:16how hot alan

39:18well

39:19imagine debbie harry

39:21in cammy knickers

39:22spoon feeding a beef vindaloo

39:24to pan's people

39:26in a sauna

39:27in bangkok

39:28that's half as hot as tonight's show

39:31because among tonight's spicy guests

39:34i've got the hottest sexiest dance acts in northern europe

39:37hot pants

39:38and

39:39we had time

39:40i didn't need to hurry him

39:41it wasn't afternoon yet

39:43so i saved my request until we watched four episodes

39:46none of my british friends will forgive me if i didn't say

39:53we love the channel tunnel

39:54but for goodness sake don't send us any of you raided dogs

39:57no we won't

40:03alan

40:03as long as you don't send us any of your mad cows

40:06i think you'll find that our cows are mad because we're bitten by your dogs

40:11that's an interesting theory if a little xenophobic

40:17no french

40:17you want to go for a walk uncle patrick

40:21ok

40:22go on then

40:24go and get your coat and your outside shoes

40:27ok

40:29i wasn't even sweating

40:31new shoes

40:33what

40:33new shoes

40:36are they

40:37mother took me to marks and spencer

40:41they're soft leather

40:42i didn't notice

40:44they look nice

40:4534 pounds 99 pence

40:49i wanted to go cheaper

40:51but mother said that i had the money for 34 pounds 99 pence

40:58so i might as well spend 34 pounds 99 pence

41:05yes

41:06mum's usually right about most things

41:08where are we going james

41:11just walking

41:11ok

41:13did you like the television

41:16no

41:17oh you seem to be laughing

41:19oh

41:21yes i like the television

41:24ok then

41:26yes

41:28shall we sit on this bench

41:30ok

41:32do you like this bench

41:38no

41:39it's quite comfortable though

41:41yes

41:43yes i like this bench

41:45do you want to play a game

41:48ok

41:49i'm going to run away

41:52and

41:54you want me to find you james

41:58no

41:58i'll find you

42:00you stay on this bench

42:03and i'll find you

42:05that's the game

42:08that's the game

42:08yes

42:09you've got to stay here

42:12can you do that

42:13yes

42:14yes

42:14ok

42:15see you then

42:18bye james

42:22yeah

42:22bye

42:23i watch him

42:25i walk away

42:27and watch him as he sits on his bench

42:29he doesn't even move a hair on his head

42:32just sits

42:34waiting for me to come back

42:36i get home at 12pm exactly

42:39and check the flower on the bell that i had left there before we came out

42:42james bond trick

42:43it proves no one's rung the house while we've been out

42:45so i wipe the flower off

42:47and then i wait

42:49with the amp by the door

42:51and my guitar plugged into it

42:52and i watch my second telly tape of the day

42:54two o'clock ticks past

43:14and the hands take forever

43:16like the ticking clock when the baby's falling down the stairs in the untouchables

43:20three o'clock

43:21at the third stroke

43:23the time will be 3.35 and 20 seconds

43:27at the third stroke

43:29at the third

43:29when my mum left university

43:31she went home again

43:32mum

43:33don't fuss

43:34no fuss

43:35who's fussing

43:36just a teapot and some leaves

43:38the doctor said you should rest

43:40the doctor's a due

43:41well have a rest and let me do it

43:43you will look after them won't you

43:47mum

43:48Patrick

43:50you will

43:52look after him

43:55when

43:55when i'm gone

43:57i'm relying on you

43:59you're not going anywhere mum

44:00you're like me

44:01you're a natural at this stuff

44:04you look after him

44:06i don't know when it became the case that patrick couldn't be left on his own

44:10i imagine it was a gradual thing

44:12the more pills they put in him

44:14the more electroshock therapy

44:15can't you imagine what a thrill it will be

44:19picking a chicken with me

44:23but he couldn't

44:25which meant either 24 hour care

44:27or mental hospital

44:28or a relative giving up their life

44:30and when she says

44:32you're like me

44:33by the way

44:34that's not a good thing

44:35calling her a natural

44:37is not a compliment

44:38my gran never expected much of my mum

44:40he can live with you

44:42you'll look after him

44:44who's that now

44:46mum i want my own life

44:48i'll get the door

44:49i don't want to be looking after him all my life

44:51it's not fair

44:52mum please

44:53did you knock on the door

44:57what

44:58did you knock on the door instead of ringing the door

45:00what are you talking about

45:01what do you want

45:02uh

45:03james right

45:04it's um

45:05it's five o'clock so

45:06who is it pete

45:07you came round to tell me the time

45:09you're actually weirder than i thought

45:11no

45:11i just

45:12i thought

45:13you were going to come over

45:15who is it pete that

45:16for a slumber party

45:17no you wanted my aunt

45:19when i ask you a question

45:20you give me an answer

45:21you understand

45:22you understand

45:24you understand you little shit

45:26that

45:27you're drunk

45:29don't cheek me

45:31do not cheek me

45:33sorry

45:34i'm sorry

45:34sir who is it

45:36who is this kid

45:38take my hand

45:39i'm helping you up

45:40sorry

45:41sorry sir

45:42who is this kid

45:43just a guy from school

45:45what's he called

45:46what are you called kid

45:48he's called james

45:48i'm james

45:49fuck off james

45:51i just

45:52we'd arrange to meet

45:54i've got an amp

45:56the gig's cancelled

45:58what gig

45:59you better go james

46:00okay

46:01what gig

46:02and i just

46:04you better go james okay

46:05and i just

46:05you better go james okay

46:06i still remember

46:08the first time i realised i was going to turn into my uncle

46:11we were sitting on the bus

46:13mum was sitting by me and patrick was sitting on his own

46:17always a good idea

46:19the guy smelled of mildew and used hand cream

46:22anyway this truly beautiful woman gets on the bus

46:27looks about for a free seat

46:29and sees one beside my uncle

46:30and she looked at him

46:32looking as he did

46:33like an unwashed madman

46:35because he is

46:36and i saw

46:38watched her

46:40visibly overcome

46:41her prejudices

46:42and then

46:43sit

46:44she sat beside him

46:46anyway

46:48she's not interesting

46:49my uncle's face

46:51when she did sit

46:53was one of really

46:54carefully restrained

46:57a horror

46:58and i recognised it

47:01i knew how he was feeling

47:04he wasn't pleased

47:08a beautiful woman sat beside him

47:10he hated it

47:13felt humiliated for all sorts of

47:16i can't explain it

47:18it's a feeling you either know or

47:22i knew

47:24i know it

47:26i understand what it's like to be so

47:30afraid

47:31afraid of beautiful people snogging in front of me in the street because i think i might

47:36look at them wrong and they might look back at me and that that'll make the moment real

47:41afraid of talking to someone at a bus stop or in a library because i don't know how to say goodbye and they'll think i'm

47:48desperate and afraid of everything

47:52everything everyone

47:53and i thought i think

47:56to myself

47:58what

47:58what if this isn't autism

48:01because truthfully

48:04i haven't got the symptoms of autism

48:06really i looked them up once and

48:09what if this is

48:12schizophrenia

48:13what if i'm like him what if

48:16because he didn't have it by the time he was my age

48:20not not until he was

48:21and so and

48:24and

48:25and

48:26and i begin to run

48:39run along the streets

48:41faster and faster

48:43i begin to

48:44why you little prick

48:46five hours

48:50five hours on his own which is

48:52ten years in cat life or

48:54whatever or

48:55i can just

48:56because if he's not i

48:58i left him and he could be

49:00can't you imagine what a thrill it will be

49:06picking a chicken with me

49:09and

49:11and

49:12and these thoughts flow through me

49:16patrick walking into open traffic

49:19what the hell are you doing

49:23patrick killing himself

49:25and

49:25with this

49:26knife

49:27i

49:28patrick

49:38patrick

49:38killing someone else

49:39no

49:41i can't

49:43kill you

49:44and my mum finding out

49:46because of all this

49:48and the look on her face

49:50the

49:50look on her face

49:51the words she'd say

49:53oh love

49:54oh no

49:56disappointing my mum

49:59hurting my mum

50:00not being as good as my mum

50:02because she's really good

50:03and

50:03oh no

50:04not my brother

50:07oh no

50:09i up my pace

50:11i've always liked running

50:12i up my pace

50:14i'm running faster

50:15i'm running as fast as i can

50:17five hours

50:23he shouldn't be on his own for

50:26and when i see him

50:32he's sitting on a bench

50:34as if i'd never left

50:35he hasn't done anything

50:38he's sitting on a bench

50:41not very dramatic

50:43he's sitting on a sodding bench

50:46he's

50:48why am i crying

50:50hello

50:52hello

50:55why am i crying

50:57hello

50:59did i win the game

51:04just look at him

51:06um

51:07yeah

51:09good

51:11i want to vomit on him

51:13or stab him

51:15not to kill him

51:16just to cause him pain

51:18you did really well

51:19good

51:22smells of mildew

51:24and

51:24woman's hand cream

51:25have you

51:26wet yourself

51:29i think so

51:32sorry

51:35i left him on a bench

51:37all day

51:37and the worst thing he did

51:39was wet himself

51:40sorry

51:41let's get you home

51:44yes

51:45sorry

51:48sometimes you can look at patrick

51:50and he reminds you of a wooden pear

51:52or a wounded bear

51:54or a

51:54yes

51:55i've won

51:59sorry

52:01and i take him home

52:04and i put him in the shower

52:06and i watch him in the shower

52:08and he watches me

52:09and he gets an erection

52:10and that's okay

52:11and then i

52:12put him in new clothes

52:14and dry his old ones

52:16covered in piss

52:16in the tumble dryer

52:17and put them in his basket

52:19because she'd notice

52:20if i put them in the washer

52:22and she probably wouldn't even bat an eyelid

52:23dealing with his piss

52:24stained dry clothes

52:25and then i

52:26and then i'll make him promise

52:28he won't tell mum

52:28okay

52:29it's really really important

52:33okay

52:35because she wouldn't

52:36okay

52:37no

52:38you're not listening

52:40because she wouldn't understand

52:43i

52:46know

52:48okay

52:50when you didn't

52:55come back

52:57i was scared

53:00did you

53:02was that how you

53:06wanted it

53:07what

53:11did you

53:14play the game

53:15to hurt me

53:17no

53:19don't be

53:20promise

53:23you won't tell mum

53:24you

53:26grow up

53:28grow up

53:31and you

53:32look at

53:32me

53:33different

53:34and

53:36and

53:36you

53:38all

53:39grow up

53:40what

53:43i

53:46don't want

53:47to be

53:48this

53:48well

53:53you're in dry trousers now

53:56yeah

53:57okay

53:58okay

54:00okay

54:02and that's

54:05hello

54:06hello

54:07want to see what we bought

54:09and this is

54:10hello

54:11we've got loads of great stuff

54:13didn't we alice

54:14yeah

54:14we've got a nice top for alice

54:16and uh

54:17some new jeans

54:17and some underwear

54:18mum

54:19should we do a fashion show

54:20i'm going to my room

54:21oh

54:21not the underwear love

54:22just the

54:22i'm going to my room

54:23okay well

54:24thanks for a lovely day

54:26okay

54:26so

54:28how are my two men

54:29yeah

54:30okay

54:31okay

54:33the first night mum brought him home

54:35her and dad had the biggest rout i've ever heard

54:37it's my bloody house too

54:40i know

54:40i know it's your house

54:42it's always your house

54:44i feel like

54:45i'm not having that

54:46man under my roof

54:48my mum's just died

54:49do you understand that

54:51my mum's just died

54:52and i was in my room

54:54and patrick was in his room

54:55and i could hear him crying

54:57and then i could hear him doing something else

54:59and then he started to masturbate

55:01oh what is this

55:03guilt

55:04you feel guilty

55:06you want to take him in out of guilt

55:08guilt about what

55:09exactly

55:10i don't know how your mother talked you into this

55:13maybe

55:14maybe it's not about my mother

55:15maybe it's about me loving my brother

55:17maybe it's about that

55:19and i don't want him here

55:20do you understand

55:21but i do

55:22do you understand that

55:23you selfish bitch

55:25how do you think the kids are going to help me

55:28ever

55:29ever call me selfish

55:31don't you ever do that

55:33that night

55:44me

55:45and mum

55:46and patrick

55:46watch blind date

55:47and gladiators together

55:48and

55:49saturday is almost over

55:50and i'm pretty sure that monday will be shit

55:53because of pete

55:54i mean

55:55i think i'll probably get more attention than

55:57just being dog boy

55:58i think i'll probably get bad attention

56:00and

56:01then patrick got up to go to the toilet

56:03and while he's out of the room

56:05mum turns to me and says

56:06here

56:06take this

56:08what

56:09for looking after patrick all day

56:11and not making a fuss

56:12no mum

56:13i'm fine

56:14it's just a fiver

56:15mum

56:15oh please

56:17buy some more videotapes with it

56:19i like your tapes

56:20it's a nice hobby

56:21mum

56:25if i had something wrong with me

56:29what's wrong

56:29nothing

56:31good

56:31take the fiver

56:33but

56:33if i did have something wrong

56:35it'd look after me right

56:37of course

56:39you want to cuddle

56:40no

56:42take the fiver

56:44okay

56:46did i miss the date bit mother

56:53no patrick

56:54it'll be the one last week

56:58it'll be the one last week

57:01the couple from last week

57:04i like the date bit

57:07i know you do

57:08you've left your flies open patrick

57:11have i

57:12oh

57:15okay

57:17okay

57:19thank you mother

57:24people snogging in public places

57:52was written by jack thorne

57:53james

57:54was played by

57:55rupert sumian

57:56patrick by

57:57adrian scarborough

57:58angela by

57:59lindsey coulson

57:59and tim by

58:00philip fox

58:01pete

58:02was played by

58:03jamie dispirito

58:04lisa by

58:05candus i

58:05lyboard

58:06alice by

58:07lizzie watts

58:08phyllis was played by

58:09annabelle dowler

58:10mr morris by

58:11paul rider

58:12the doctor by

58:13matt addis

58:14and the speaking clock

58:15was malcolm tierney

58:16the sound design was by

58:18caleb knightley

58:19and people snogging in public places

58:21was produced by

58:23stephen canney

58:24oh

58:27and

58:28what

58:28would

58:29do

58:32you

58:33you

58:34you

58:36you

Category

Transcript

Comments

Recommended