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00:00Well, if you're feeling lonely and picking in a stew
00:04Just bend your ear, come over here, and man, here's what you do
00:09If you got the blues, I got some news
00:12Join in the fun and you're blue straight, too
00:15You're the Holiday Rock, the Holiday Rock
00:17The holly, holly, holly, high, Holiday Rock
00:19Holiday, holly, high, holly, holly, holly, holly
00:22Go, go, go to the Holiday Rock
00:24Holiday, holly, high, ho, go, go, go to the Holiday Rock
00:29Hello, campers
00:35Heidi, hi
00:36Hi, holly, ho
00:38Here is a short announcement
00:41Well, it's an apology, really
00:43Some of you have been complaining that you haven't had chips for the last 24 hours
00:48This is because our resident cordon bleu chef, Bert Green, has broken his chipping machine
00:54Oh, it rhymes
00:57I'm a poet and I don't know it
01:00But good news
01:03A brand new Acme heavy-duty motorised chip machine is due on the 245 train this afternoon
01:10So there'll be chips for everyone
01:15Mountains of them
01:17Heidi, hi
01:19Hi, holly, ho
01:21I've worked here for 14 seasons and there's always been chips
01:26Holiday camp without chips is against nature
01:28It was pretty ugly in the dining hall yesterday
01:30They were serving fish and mash
01:32I never got a titter with my funny hunchback in Notre Dame costume
01:36I'll tell you one thing, Spike
01:37If that chipper doesn't arrive on the 245 train like Gladys said
01:41There'll be a riot
01:42Ah, good morning, everybody
01:45Morning
01:45Good morning
01:46Thank you
01:47I'm glad you're here, Peggy
01:48This probably concerns you more than anybody
01:50Oh, thank you, Mr Fairbrother
01:51You made me feel ever so important
01:53Well, you're not
01:54Just be quiet and listen
01:56Now, Mr Mappian's letter is shorter than usual
02:00And it is, of course, in his own words
02:03I haven't had it since 1956
02:07Then it was random
02:09Now it's happened again
02:11My camp at Canberra Sands has an epidemic of chads
02:14Chads is everywhere
02:16Every wall is covered in them
02:18Excuse me, Mr Fairbrother
02:20What is a chad?
02:22Ah, well, it's a sort of drawing thing
02:25There's a wall
02:27And two hands
02:30And a top of a face with a shaven head
02:32And it has a long nose
02:34Which droops over the wall
02:35My nose isn't long enough, of course
02:39Then underneath is written
02:41What, no something or other
02:43And what is spelt W-O-T
02:45And then there's a question mark
02:47Which is about there
02:48Actually, they're quite funny
02:49But not the way he does them
02:51We had a chad craze when I was at school
02:54They were on every wall
02:55The headmaster was one of those progressive types
02:58He said we were discriminating against bald people
03:00And he made us draw hair on them all
03:02Then he gave us all a good eye-dee-in
03:04This camp was covered in them a couple of years ago, you know
03:07Well, you remember, dear
03:09You lost your falsies
03:11And when we got back to the dressing room
03:13Someone had drawn a chad on the mirror
03:14Which said, what, no boobs?
03:18Barry, I do not read graffiti
03:20Anyhow, I only wear them when I'm playing Noel Gwynn
03:24Otherwise, they're totally unnecessary
03:25Spike, when is your telly school?
03:29I think Emma's got very nice boobs
03:31Especially when she wears that Grecian nymph dress
03:34Now, just a minute
03:35Mr. Fairbrother will bail me out
03:37Because he's had a classical education
03:39Greek nymphs didn't have big bristols, did they?
03:45If anyone says one more word
03:48About any part of my anatomy
03:49I shall leave this meeting
03:50Now, please, may we get back to the point?
03:53All points
03:53As small as they are
03:55Ted, I am trying to run a meeting
04:02Don't worry
04:03I'll make it up to her tomorrow
04:04Will she be all right, Barry?
04:06Oh, she's never all right
04:07But one gets used to it
04:08Do carry on
04:09Yes
04:11Whatever you do
04:13Don't let your place get infected
04:15It only wants one chad on one wall
04:18And then the campers will be at it
04:20If you see one
04:21Have it off
04:22Start at the China patrols
04:25So it's
04:25So it's fingers out
04:28And eyes open time
04:29I don't know what all the fuss is about
04:32It's only a bit of fun
04:33P.S. I am personally bringing
04:35Gilbert Harding down on Thursday
04:37To give a pie jaw
04:38I think he needs a lecture
04:40And if there's a single chad
04:42Anywhere to be seen
04:43You're all for the high jump
04:45I think it's fairly clear
04:46That we've got to keep our eyes out
04:47For these little chad things
04:48And Peggy, you'll be in the forefront
04:49Of the campaign
04:50Because you get up early
04:52And you're all over the place
04:53Don't you worry, Mr Fairbrother
04:55I'll spot them
04:56And if anyone wants any cleaning stuff
04:58Report to me
04:59I can organise mountain patrols
05:02No, Fred, no
05:04I think we'll stay on foot
05:05It's kids that's mostly responsible, you know
05:08Couldn't we put a ban on them?
05:10What are you talking about?
05:11Arthur Campers is kids
05:12You're going senile
05:14Don't be rude
05:16I don't know if anyone is interested
05:20But one of those bald-headed men things
05:22Has been drawn on the side of the wagtail club
05:25Oh, Lord, we'd better rub it up
05:26Before the campers see it
05:27Quickly, everybody
05:28Peggy, bring some things
05:29What sort of things?
05:30Well, you know
05:30Cleaning stuff
05:31Things
05:32Oh, yeah
05:32Come on
05:33That's it
05:42Stanley, Bruce
05:44Go and get a ladder
05:45What sort?
05:47One with rungs
05:48Are we going to stop the campers
05:51From seeing it?
05:52We'll create a diversion
05:52Gary, go over there
05:54And pull funny faces
05:55Don't do funny faces
05:56I'm the good-looking one
05:57Get on with it
05:59Girls, go over there
06:00And show your legs
06:01They've been looking at them
06:02For three days, Ted
06:03We've got nothing left
06:05You speak for yourself
06:06Don't argue
06:08Go and chuck yourselves in the pool
06:10I've got hot water
06:15A broom
06:17And a packet of waft
06:18As seen on TV
06:20Wash with waft
06:21Make sure wool is soft
06:23And it's kind to Ann
06:24So it won't harm the wall
06:25Get up there, Barry
06:29And scrub that off
06:30Why me?
06:32Because you're the tallest
06:33And being a dancer
06:35You're very good at balancing
06:37Well, I don't know what that's in
06:39I don't know what that's in
06:40Here's your broom
06:42Hey, don't let it drip on the yellow cords
06:47It won't leave dirty marks
06:49It's waft
06:50Well, in that case
06:50It'll leave clean marks
06:52How can you have clean marks
06:53You silly old faggot
06:54Hold on to Barry tightly
06:57He's very precious
06:59What's that about me being precious?
07:01Yvonne means valuable
07:02Thank you, Spike
07:04Higher, Barry
07:08You'll have to go higher
07:09Get on with it, Barry
07:13I can't
07:15Me back's gone
07:16Oh, dear
07:23This hasn't happened
07:25Since the audition for Oklahoma
07:26I suffer with my back
07:30Sometimes I have a job
07:32To move Mr Punch up to his shelf
07:34You can always manage
07:35To get the glass up to your lips, though
07:37Take him to a chalet
07:41Be very careful
07:43Spike, get up there
07:46And scrub the rest of it off
07:48Who's going to hold the ladder?
07:52Nobody
07:52Get on with it
07:53Not precious enough
07:58That's my trouble
07:59I'm quite all right
08:09As long as I lie perfectly still
08:11That pillow's too high
08:13I'll take it away
08:14Shouldn't his legs be higher than his head?
08:20It's not unless he's pregnant
08:21I've cleaned all the chad off the wall, Mr Fairbrother
08:25Well, don't, Spike
08:25Yvonne's phoning for a doctor
08:26Oh, shouldn't his legs be higher than his head?
08:29Not unless he's pregnant
08:30I'm sorry, I only asked
08:33We won't be dancing tonight, that's for certain
08:35I wonder if Yvonne can do a solo
08:37I'm just telling Jeff
08:39You won't be dancing for a couple of days
08:41I know
08:42What are you shouting for, Ted?
08:45He's got a wonky back
08:46Not cloth ears
08:47It's all right, Barry
08:51The doctor will be here soon
08:52Oh, he can't help
08:53There's only one man understands my back
08:56My manipulator
08:59Well, we're saying for him
09:00Where's his practice?
09:02Dundee
09:02Yes, well, I'm sure we'll think of something
09:06My dad's got a weak back
09:08And he dangles by his hands from the door
09:10Stretches the spine
09:11Always seems to work
09:12Use your common sense, Spike
09:14Barry can hardly move
09:16There's a faith healer in Skegness
09:17And she's very good at sciatica
09:19Is she any good with horses?
09:23How can she be?
09:25Horses don't pray
09:26You know proof of that
09:27What are you all doing in here?
09:31And smoking
09:32I never allow smoking in my bedroom
09:35Or turn my lovely wallpaper yellow
09:38Why didn't you stop them smoking, Barry?
09:41I'm awfully sorry, Yvonne
09:45We were just trying to help
09:46I appreciate that, Mr Pearbrother
09:48Now, will you all kindly leave?
09:51Nice place you got here, Yvonne
09:52Bit like a tart's boudoir, but only
09:54I wasn't smoking, Yvonne
09:57The doctor will be round about 2.30
10:05I don't know what she's complaining about
10:08That Captain Cuttle's walnut shag
10:11And it wouldn't turn anything yellow
10:12What about a Chinaman?
10:16Oh, how disgusting
10:18I shall never get the smell of this smoke out of here
10:20Don't bother to ask me how I am, will you?
10:24It's happened before
10:25You'll be all right in a few days
10:27May I remind you
10:28That our contract states
10:30That if we don't perform
10:31We do not get paid
10:33I've already thought of that
10:34After I called the doctor
10:36I made another call
10:37To Julian Dalrymple-Sykes
10:39Julian Dalrymple-Sykes
10:41Ha ha ha
10:42You'll be here about two times
10:44Who's that in the corner with Yvonne?
10:50It's her new dancing partner
10:52Blimey, she didn't waste much time
10:549.23, Barry does his backing
10:569.35, she's on the phone to him
10:584 o'clock, she meets him off the train
11:00Half past 4, they've rehearsed the height
11:03And he's ready to go on tonight
11:04There's more to this than meets the eye, you know, Spike
11:07Julian, it was wonderful of you
11:11To drop everything and come straight to me
11:14Just to rehearse with you once again
11:15After all these years was magic
11:17Sheer magic
11:19You haven't changed a bit
11:21Your elevation is still superb
11:24It's dancing with you that does it
11:28Why did you give up dancing
11:30And go in for pig farming?
11:34After having you as a partner
11:36All the rest were cardboard
11:38Sheer cardboard
11:39Oh, Julian, that's beautiful
11:42What's your present partner like?
11:45You've been with him so long
11:46He's stiff
11:48Very stiff
11:50Is he cardboard?
11:53Very cardboard
11:54Why do you stay with him if he's cardboard and stiff?
12:00One gets used to things
12:02Does he know about us and Southport?
12:08I never mention Southport
12:10Yvonne's not took her eyes off that fella for a single minute
12:15Of course they were lovers, you know
12:17How can you possibly tell that?
12:20It's the way they're looking at each other
12:21I get a lot of experience of that sort of thing
12:24It's seeing campers' faces first thing in the morning
12:27If they've been naughty
12:29They look at you and quickly look away again
12:31Like you did last Tuesday
12:34You wear dark glasses in the morning, Sylvia
12:43So I can never tell what you've been up to
12:45Who was it, Peggy?
12:48That muscly boy who won the Mr. Universe competition
12:51He told me he was married
12:53Oh, hello, Gleis
12:55Hard thing to the dining room
12:57I trust the Acme heavy-duty motorised chipmaster arrive in time
13:00Oh, yes
13:01It's doing never so well
13:03There's chips everywhere
13:05The campers are over the moon
13:06Mind you, they are a bit soggy
13:09If you want to taste real chips
13:12You should come to my village in the Valleys
13:14Heaven's the frightest chips like you wouldn't believe
13:17Four pennies, more than you can eat
13:19Nobody's to walk up the lane
13:21And sit on a wall and eat them
13:23And watch the sun go down over the carlory
13:26You make it sound most attractive, Gleis
13:28When the season's over, you ought to come and see for yourself
13:31Why? I might just do that
13:32Oh, well, we could fix up a date now
13:34We've got your diary on, yeah
13:35Sorry to bother you, Geoff
13:38Mr. Fairbrother and I are having a private conversation
13:40What do you want?
13:42The chads have broken out
13:43What already? How did it happen?
13:44Oh, don't ask me
13:45There's dozens of them
13:46They're everywhere
13:47Oh, Lord
13:48Ted, the chads have broken out
13:51Apparently they're everywhere
13:52Spike, that's your fault
13:54You can't rub that one out properly
13:55Yes, I did
13:56Someone must have seen me
13:58You left me alone
13:59If you'd have held the ladder
13:59I'd have done it quicker
14:00Now, please
14:01We have got to get rid of them
14:02It's kids that are to blame, you know
14:04They shouldn't let them come here
14:05Not without a certificate
14:07Come on, girls
14:09The chads have broken out
14:10Peggy, get some cleaning things
14:11Yvonne, the chads have broken out
14:15Oh, dear, how tiresome
14:17Have you got a zoo here, then?
14:18Come on, girls
14:23Come on, girls
14:23Come on, girls
14:48Come on, girls
15:18My arm's aching so much
15:23It feels twice its size
15:24That looks right from here
15:26Ah, Peggy, let me buy you a drink
15:29You've worked harder than anybody
15:30Getting rid of those chads
15:31Oh, thanks
15:31Can I have a port and lemon
15:33In the packet of nuts, please?
15:35Mr Fairbrother
15:36You know when Gilbert Harding
15:38Comes down tomorrow
15:39Do you think he can get me his autograph?
15:41Certainly not, Peggy
15:43Joe Mablin's bringing him down personally
15:45And he won't have him pasted
15:47Well, at least Joe Mablin won't be bothered with the chads
15:49Did you hear that, Spike?
15:52He's living in a fool's paradise
15:53They'll all be back again in the morning
15:55Joe Mablin will go mad
15:57Still he can't sack us all
15:58Of course he can't
16:00Knowing Joe Mablin, you'll just make an example of someone
16:03The newest member of the staff
16:06That's me!
16:10Is it?
16:12Oh, Jeff
16:13I've got to announce Yvonne's new partner
16:16How do you pronounce that?
16:17Er, Julian Dalrymple Sykes
16:19Sir?
16:25Ted's just going on to announce us
16:27Good luck, Julian
16:28Good luck, Yvonne
16:30My dearest
16:32Heidi, hi!
16:41Heidi, hi!
16:42Heidi, hi!
16:43Check out here, Heidi, hi!
16:45Heidi, hi!
16:47At this point in the evening
16:49It is usually my great pleasure
16:50To introduce our resident ballroom champions
16:52Yvonne and Barry Stewart Hargreaves
16:55Unfortunately
16:56Barry is indisposed
16:58So here to take his place
17:00At very short notice is
17:01Juliana Dalrymple Sykes
17:06It's fantastic
17:28So smooth
17:30It just glides across the floor
17:32And he's got that beautiful snooty look
17:35Like he's got a lovely smell under his nose
17:37I think you were right, Peggy
17:41There's definitely something going on
17:43Between those two
17:43Come off it
17:45Didn't get it till four o'clock
17:47Not now
17:48Talking about ages ago
17:50I'll tell you one thing
17:55When he dances
17:56He's not stiff like Barry
17:58That's not the sort of thing I notice
18:01Yvonne seems to dance better with him
18:08Well, the reason's RPS, isn't it?
18:12You mean because they've been practicing all afternoon?
18:15No
18:15Because she finds his end
18:17Yvonne?
18:19Well, surely not
18:19She's a married woman
18:20He's good, isn't he?
18:28Not bad for a pig farmer
18:30Hello, Barry
18:48You're up and about, then?
18:50I'm in great pain
18:51But I just had to see them
18:54You needn't to bother
18:56He's not in your class
18:57You're better looking
18:59Your elbows don't stick out so much
19:00Not only that
19:02You wouldn't be seen dead in that suit
19:04It's my suit
19:07Anyhow, he hasn't got your style
19:11Mind you, he does seem to be more in time with the music
19:15Rubbish, Spike
19:17What do you know about it?
19:19No, Spike
19:20No, Spike's right
19:21He's much better than I am in every way
19:24Always was
19:25When she's dancing with him
19:28She comes to life
19:30He gives her something
19:34I never could
19:36You were very wise not to say any more, Spike
19:44You might have put your foot in it
19:45I'll try and fight
20:12Spike, what's the matter?
20:13You're keeping me awake.
20:15I feel awful, Ted.
20:18I shouldn't have said that to Barry.
20:20I put me foot right in it.
20:22You're always doing it.
20:23You should be used to it by now.
20:25Oh, don't, Ted.
20:27I'll never forget seeing him limping away.
20:29He looked completely broken.
20:31You don't think he'll commit suicide, do you?
20:33With a highly-strung, sensitive type like him,
20:35nothing would surprise me.
20:37I'll have his death on my conscience for the rest of me life.
20:41Ah!
20:44What was that?
20:45I expect it was Barry hanging himself.
20:47Oh, no!
20:48Spike! Spike!
20:50Come here.
20:50Spike! Spike!
20:53What have you done, Barry?
20:55I was hanging myself from the door.
20:58Quick, hit the rope up his neck.
20:59I might just be in time.
21:01Where's the rope?
21:02Oh, don't be silly.
21:04I was hanging myself on the door by my hands
21:06to stretch my spine, as Spike said.
21:09The door came off its hinges.
21:11Did it work?
21:12Yes, yes, it's wonderful.
21:14I'll never be able to thank you enough.
21:16Well done, Spike.
21:17You've got something right at last.
21:19Mind you, you can put it out again ever so easily, you know.
21:22Spike, come on, please.
21:28Hey?
21:28Mr. Fairbrother, there's another batch of chads broke out.
21:32Where is it this time?
21:33Them lines.
21:34Covered in them.
21:35It's hopeless, Spike.
21:35They're chalking them up faster than we can remove them.
21:37It's like King Canute trying to hold back the waves
21:39so he can get his jewellery out of the wash.
21:43Why aren't you both out removing chads?
21:45It's no good getting hysterical, Jeff.
21:47You'll never beat them.
21:48I'll make sure that when Joe Mapplin and Gilbert Tardin arrive at 2.30 this afternoon,
21:52there won't be a single chad on the camp.
21:55Come on.
21:55Hello, campers.
22:03This is Gladys Pugh, you are Radio Mapplin announcer.
22:07I am not going to do a hidey-hide because this is probably one most important announcement
22:13I shall ever be asked to make.
22:15Wherever you are, I want you to stop what you are doing
22:19and go as quickly as possible to the nearest loudspeaker
22:22where you will hear a statement of the utmost gravity from your camp host.
22:32What's that silly car going on about?
22:37And here is your camp host, Mr. Edward Borbess.
22:43I am speaking to you from the north centre of Mapplin's.
22:47And as I look across this wonderful camera
22:49with its beautiful lawns and flower beds,
22:52and the sun reflecting in the Olympic-sized swimming pool,
22:55my heart is very heavy
22:56because a wonderful friend of mine, Fred Quilley, the riding instructor,
23:00at this moment is going through sheer hell.
23:04What's he going on about?
23:06Let me tell you his story.
23:08On D-Day in 1944,
23:10when the Allied tanks stormed ashore to liberate France,
23:13Fred, a young soldier,
23:16barely 19 years of age,
23:19was in the forefront of the battle.
23:21I never got farther than Catterick.
23:24Every one of them tanks was covered in chants
23:27to bring love to them, brave boys.
23:29Fred's tank got cut off from the rest.
23:35He blazed away till the barrels of his gun glowed red.
23:39I thought you were in a paint gun.
23:41Shut up, I want to hear what I did next.
23:43Suddenly, his gun stopped.
23:46He'd run out of ammunition.
23:48There was an explosion which blew him out of his tank.
23:51And the last thing he saw before he lost consciousness
23:53was a chad chalked on the side of the turret
23:56with the words,
23:57what new ammunition.
24:01Can you imagine what the sight of all these chads
24:03has done to this man?
24:04Even after 14 years?
24:07So I, your camp host, Ted Bogus,
24:10appealed to you.
24:11Release Fred Quilly from his hell.
24:14Clean them all off now.
24:15And make this a chadless camp
24:17fit for heroes to live in.
24:20Right.
24:21That settles it.
24:22Where are you going?
24:23I'm going to help rub them out.
24:24I can't have you suffering like this.
24:27Goodbye, Julian.
24:36Thank you for everything.
24:38It was unforgettable.
24:39Quite unforgettable.
24:41I think this is the best solution.
24:44Best for you.
24:45Best for Barry.
24:46And best for the pigs.
24:49I know you're right.
24:51Just promise me one thing, Yvonne.
24:53Yes?
24:54Don't let Barry turn you into a cardboard person.
24:57Oh, by the way,
25:04when I spoke to Barry this morning,
25:06I inadvertently mentioned Southport.
25:08Now, when the car draws level,
25:26I'll go hip, hip,
25:28and you shout hooray three times.
25:30Is that clear?
25:31Have you mastered that spike?
25:33Come along, Peggy.
25:36You're late.
25:37Sorry.
25:38It was ever so good.
25:39Joe Mappin said a few words,
25:41then Gilbert Harding got up and gave a wonderful talk.
25:44We've got to put the milk in after the tea.
25:47It's very important.
25:51Stand by.
25:52They're getting into the rolls.
25:53Barry, my darling,
25:58has your back gone again?
26:00Just you wait till I get back to the chalet
26:03and hang on that door.
26:06Despite the appalling taste, Teddy did a wonderful job.
26:09At the time they arrived,
26:10there wasn't a single chad to be seen anywhere in the camp.
26:12Here they come.
26:19Here we go.
26:20Hip, hip!
26:21Hooray!
26:22Hip, hip!
26:23Hooray!
26:25Hip, hip!
26:25Hooray!
26:26Hooray!