Malcolm In The Middle Season 7 Episode 11 Bride Of Ida
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00:00Look, sooner or later someone's gonna have to do the dishes.
00:15Yes, no, maybe. I don't know. Can you repeat the question?
00:28You're not the boss of me now. You're not the boss of me now. You're not the boss of me now. And you're not so big.
00:51Life is unfair.
00:58For the love of God, we should have left for the airport nine minutes ago.
01:07Dewey's in this big deal piano competition in St. Louis' weekend. It's being held at a huge, fancy hotel. Prominent musicians from all around the world are gonna be there. And the best part is, Reese said I don't have to go.
01:50I still feel like I'm forgetting something.
01:57Hi, Mom. I thought we were gonna miss you.
01:59Be careful with those bags, you cow.
02:02Hi, Raduka.
02:03Family, howdy.
02:05You're here to work! Not gossip like a fishwife!
02:08What's Grandma doing here? You never said Grandma was coming!
02:14Oh, I didn't?
02:15Oh!
02:16Well, then it's just a nice surprise for you boys.
02:18Remember last month when you came in after curfew and you said, what are you gonna do about it?
02:27Sorry it took me so long to get back to you.
02:31These are sex organs of four different animals.
02:45And a little oregano.
02:48Reese, I've watched you grow all these years. You were the one hope for this family.
02:56I just pray you are ready to become a man.
03:01Ow!
03:03Hey, what was that for?
03:07You are ready.
03:14Dewey, slow down!
03:15No, we have to get to Gate 7 or we'll miss our connecting flight.
03:19Ooh, Cinnabons!
03:20No, no Cinnabons, no pretzels, no frozen yogurt.
03:24You can raise a minibar when we get to the hotel.
03:27Do I have your permission to go to the bathroom?
03:29No.
03:30If you go to the other side of the partition, then we'll all have to go through security again.
03:34Dad, you tell her.
03:38Dad?
03:44Ooh!
03:45It's Paris!
03:46It's even more beautiful than I imagined!
03:54In our country, after a boy turns 16, he becomes a Barocci.
04:00We watch this boy for one year, then, when he is ready, he is plucked from his mother's teat and thrown into the town square where he must battle with the other boys for dominance.
04:15Wait, up to this point, they're still breastfeeding?
04:18It keeps families close.
04:21The boys fight each other with all their might.
04:25When it is over, the one left standing is the man.
04:30The rest are dronska.
04:34Then more breaths are offered to the proud young man.
04:38But these are not the wedded spigots of the mother move.
04:43These are the ripe, inviting, pleasure domes of the virgins of the village, presented dripping with wine.
04:56Our family comes from the coolest country in the world.
05:00And it must continue, Reese.
05:03You must carry on with this ritual.
05:06Grandma, this is not only moronic, it's impossible.
05:09For one thing, there is no village full of boys for Reese to fight.
05:12No, we will have to make do.
05:15The closest thing we have to a boy is you.
05:17What?
05:18You!
05:19Shall be the rock on which his knife is sharpened.
05:22There will be contests of strength and endurance.
05:26When he defeats you, he shall be a man.
05:29What if I defeat him?
05:34And once you are a man, you shall get this.
05:40The whole plate of potatoes?
05:42You will take Raduka for your bride.
05:45You mean, like I marry her? Now?
05:50That is why I brought Raduka to this country.
05:53You brought her here six months ago.
05:55She's been working as your slave.
05:57I should get something for my trouble.
05:59Grandma, you can't take two teenagers who never met each other
06:02and force them into some sham marriage.
06:05That's not the way things work in civilized countries.
06:08If I get a wife, does that mean I get to have sex?
06:10So much sex, you won't believe it.
06:16I'm in.
06:29Well, Dad, this makes it all worth it.
06:31They never have Deweys.
06:33Look, there's no one there.
06:35Stand by.
06:38Great.
06:41Ma'am, we need you to get back in line.
06:43We're just trying to get in the empty one.
06:45That line is for first class and Commodore's Club passengers only.
06:52Excuse me?
06:53Mom, we need to make this flight.
06:55So this airport's policy is that increased security
06:58should only inconvenience poor people.
07:01I don't make the rules, ma'am.
07:02No, no one makes the rules.
07:04Why would anyone want to take responsibility?
07:06Mom!
07:15Ma'am, step over here, please.
07:17Oh, I know what it is.
07:18It's this underwire in my bra.
07:20It always sets these things off.
07:25You seem to have something under your shirt.
07:27Yes, as I said, I have a bra on under my shirt, and there is an underwire in my bra.
07:40Go to 25.
07:42Affirmative.
07:43I can't believe this is the first underwire to come through this place.
07:46Surely you people have encountered bras before.
07:49This is punishment for what I said about the first class line, isn't it?
07:53Ma'am, I need to touch your breaths.
07:56You need to touch my what?
07:58I'm required to probe with the back of my hand.
08:01If you like, you can request up to two female witnesses.
08:04Let me understand this.
08:06Because I made a comment about first class, I am being singled out for a public feeler?
08:11Oh, oh, for God's sake, Mom, just let her touch your boobs!
08:16The kid makes a lot of sense, ma'am.
08:18Now, do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way?
08:28Okay, the tickets are changed.
08:30The next flight leaves in 15 hours.
08:33So I get no time to practice and no sleep tonight.
08:37You should have seen what happened the first time I touched him.
08:40No, I'm canceling everything. I'm chartering a helicopter and getting at...
09:07Oh, no, I'm sorry.
09:10What?
09:11No, I just tripped over some stupid kid that was playing around on the floor.
09:16I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
09:19Two boys enter. One man emerges. You must beat him at every contest or there will be no bride for you.
09:48I really appreciate you doing this for me.
09:53Listen, moron. I'm not doing this to help you get married.
09:57I'm gonna try to win to keep you from flushing your life down the toilet.
10:00We begin with the trial of pain.
10:05Raducca, the strings.
10:08This trial teaches an important lesson.
10:23Until you can ignore your own pain, you cannot truly ignore the pain of others.
10:32The first one to take two steps backwards is the victor.
10:38I don't care why that's supposed to hurt so much.
10:42Oh!
10:43I don't think anything above my waist could be so sensitive.
10:56Why don't you want me to be happy?
10:59I'm only doing this because I love you!
11:01Must take mine off your pain!
11:07Oh!
11:08Oh!
11:09Oh!
11:10Oh!
11:11Oh!
11:12Oh!
11:13Oh!
11:14Oh!
11:15Oh!
11:16It was so easy!
11:17I barely worked up a sweat!
11:19It was the one who went through!
11:33Oh!
11:34Oh!
11:35Oh!
11:36I need no need, no need.
11:39Oh!
11:40Oh, I need no need!
11:42Oh!
11:44Alright, I need no need!
11:45I need no need.
11:48us got a little slack last year, but we have improved. We have expanded the buffet. Before
11:54you make a decision, let us get you a massage or a manicure. We have complimentary 30-year-old
12:01scotch and a full bar. Can't we please, please persuade you to give us another chance?
12:09Yes. Well, all right. But let's not have a repeat of last time. You are now one step closer
12:25to your manhood. The next trial takes place within a sack of fellowship. Once inside
12:34a sack, you will face a choice. Work together or to fight each other. If you work together,
12:43you both lose. So now what happens? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out why there's
12:49a dog in here. Grandma, what are we supposed to do? Just get out. That's it? That's it.
13:04Oh no.
13:05Oh no.
13:06Oh no.
13:12Oh no.
13:21Oh no!
13:22Oh no!
13:23Oh no!
13:24Oh no!
13:25Oh no!
13:26Oh no!
13:27Oh no!
13:28Yes!
13:29Yes!
13:30Yes!
13:31Yes!
13:32Yes!
13:33Yes!
13:34Okay Reese, you beat me fair and square!
13:37Just, just help me get out!
13:38Oh yeah!
13:39Oh yeah!
13:40Yeah!
13:41Yeah!
13:42Oh yeah!
13:43Oh yeah!
13:44Oh yeah!
13:45Oh yeah!
13:46Oh yeah!
13:47Oh yeah!
13:48Oh yeah!
13:49How's it going sport?
13:50Fantastic!
13:51I've been practicing for hours!
13:53Of course I'm screwed if we have to play on real pianos!
13:57Ah buck up son!
13:58We're all sacrificing!
13:59Why are your nails shiny?
14:01No reason!
14:02Can I at least have a dollar for the soda machine?
14:05Nope!
14:06All gone to the great tip fairy!
14:09These chairs are hard!
14:13All restaurants on the top floor, so we're closing in the bottom of the window!
14:20How do we get that?
14:21Stop!
14:22Please!
14:23Ow!
14:24Ow!
14:25Ow!
14:26Ow!
14:27Ow!
14:28Ow!
14:29Ow!
14:30Ow!
14:31Ow!
14:32Ow!
14:33Ow!
14:34Ow!
14:35Ow!
14:36Ow!
14:37Ow!
14:38Ow!
14:39Ow!
14:40Ow!
14:41Ow!
14:42Ow!
14:43Ow!
14:45Ow!
14:46Ow!
14:47Ow!
14:48Ow!
14:49We're finally doing something as a family.
14:51If you want to let that crazy old bat ruin your life, fine.
14:55Knock yourself out.
14:56How is she ruining my life?
14:58She's getting me a bride.
15:00A female bride.
15:02I mean, what are the odds that a girl's ever going to want me?
15:05You can get a girl, Reese,
15:07if you just didn't act like a vicious, stupid thug all the time.
15:11Come on, Malcolm.
15:12Let's be realistic.
15:14Grandma, Malcolm doesn't want to play anymore.
15:16So I guess I win by forfeit.
15:18What?
15:19You cannot become a man by forfeit.
15:23You must go through all the trials.
15:26You must win everyone.
15:28But they're your rules.
15:29Can't you just change them?
15:31These are not my rules.
15:32These are the ways of our people.
15:35The ways cannot die.
15:37Yes, they can.
15:38They should.
15:40They should be murdered and mashed up
15:42and dumped down a salt mine along with nuclear waste
15:45and left there to fester and rot in a toxic pool of its own filth.
15:50Your pretty words don't hide your fear.
15:55What?
15:55You are afraid of the next trial
15:58because it is a test of intelligence.
16:01You are afraid to find out who is really the smart one in the family.
16:07He goes around with his nose in a book,
16:09sucking in facts.
16:11He doesn't have what we have.
16:13You and I have street smarts.
16:17Oh, here we go.
16:19Every moron who's willing to act like a criminal
16:21is loaded with street smarts.
16:24Well, let me tell you something, Grandma.
16:25You're either smart or you're not.
16:28Saying you have street smarts just means
16:29you're just willing to do things
16:31that smart, sensitive people are too decent to do.
16:35That's not a sign of intelligence.
16:41It's not.
16:46It's not.
16:48I promise to always love and respect you
16:51as long as you stay in a 20-pound weight range.
16:55Here's a drink, sir.
17:04Arturo, I would be a dead man without you.
17:08Mr. Saunders.
17:09Please, Mr. Saunders is my father.
17:13You can call me what my first name is.
17:18If you'll just follow me.
17:19Now, do I disrobe for a soft glow or just strip to the waist?
17:28Sit down here.
17:29Oh.
17:29Our teleconference service was down for an hour.
17:32I'm sorry it took so long to set up,
17:34but everyone's ready for you now.
17:37London, Berlin, Tokyo.
17:39Tokyo?
17:40Mr. Saunders, we finally meet face to face.
17:49Yes, uh, well, hi there.
17:54I'm afraid we can't wait for your reply any longer.
17:58We need an answer from you.
18:00You need an answer from me?
18:01We have five governments involved.
18:05If you can't decide, we shall have no choice but to sever all ties.
18:11That means Malaysia.
18:13That means Taiwan.
18:15That means the entire eastern sector.
18:19We need you to choose now, sir.
18:21Is it yes or no?
18:25Okay.
18:28Okay.
18:28I don't know.
18:30Just...
18:55Fine, you have us at a disadvantage.
19:25We will wire another six million into your account.
19:32All right, then.
19:35The answer is yes.
19:37Very good.
19:39We'll begin shipping the antidote at once.
19:43Oh.
19:45Excellent.
19:49By the way, are we...
19:53...good guys?
19:56Oh!
20:00Oh!
20:02Hey, honey.
20:08What have you been doing?
20:10Well, I can honestly say I have no idea.
20:14Do you want me to...
20:15No.
20:16Stupid hot sauce.
20:18You okay?
20:19Dewey's been absolutely horrible to me.
20:21I know we missed the flight.
20:23I know I hurt his fingers.
20:24I know this isn't the greatest day of his life, but he's been acting like I'm trying to ruin his contest on purpose.
20:29Well, honey, it has been an awful lot of stuff in a row.
20:34What are you saying, Hal?
20:36You agree with him?
20:37You actually think that I would...
20:39Oh!
20:40This is the final test.
20:45The game of Vishnok will show us who has the brains around here.
20:49Grandma, how do we play?
20:50Give a listen.
20:51The rabbits run to their lair.
21:03The moon embraces you.
21:08The horse turns to lead.
21:14The apple holds the key.
21:20We have two minutes.
21:21What are we doing?
21:22I don't know.
21:23Did you feel this?
21:24What?
21:25The rabbits run to their lair.
21:26The moon embraces you.
21:27The horse turns to lead.
21:29Ah!
21:30Ah!
21:31Oh!
21:32Oh!
21:33Oh!
21:34Oh!
21:35Oh!
21:36Oh!
21:37Oh!
21:38Oh!
21:39Oh!
21:40Oh!
21:41Oh!
21:42Oh!
21:43Oh!
21:44Oh!
21:45Oh!
21:46Oh!
21:47Oh!
21:48Oh!
21:49Oh!
21:50Oh!
21:51Oh!
21:52Oh!
21:53Oh!
21:54Oh!
21:55Oh!
21:56Oh!
21:57Oh!
21:58Oh!
21:59Oh!
22:00Oh!
22:01Oh!
22:02Oh!
22:03Oh!
22:04Oh!
22:05Oh!
22:06Oh!
22:07Oh!
22:08Oh!
22:09Oh!
22:10Oh!
22:11Oh!
22:12Oh!
22:13Oh!
22:14Oh!
22:15I never followed your ways.
22:18Well, I did, but it was for different reasons.
22:20Pack up my tings, Carl. We leave in five minutes.
22:24No, wait.
22:27Do go.
22:29I got two out of three.
22:31There must be some way I can marry Reduca.
22:33It is impossible.
22:34You are not a man.
22:35The most you can ever hope to be now is a very butch woman.
22:41Well, I'm going to marry her anyway.
22:45It is forbidden.
22:47The ways don't allow you.
22:49Well, then from now on, I reject your ways forever.
22:56Listen, I'm not the perfect guy.
22:59I might not even be a good guy.
23:01But if you marry me, we'll both be certain for the rest of our lives
23:07that I never could have done any better.
23:09She will never marry a Dronska like you.
23:12She's a good girl.
23:13I will marry you.
23:17I forbid you to do this.
23:19You cannot forbid me.
23:22I am an American girl now.
23:25I have iPod.
23:27I wear a thong.
23:29I shave.
23:31Hide your shave, whore.
23:32You can't talk to my wife that way.
23:35I'm going to spend the rest of my life with the woman I probably love.
23:42Well, apparently, only permanent blindness gets you bumped up to first class.
23:59Well, the redness is going down.
24:03I think you can compete just fine.
24:05Why don't you just cut the act, Mom?
24:07You got what you wanted.
24:09What are you talking about?
24:10You don't like watching me be successful because it reminds you that you never did anything with your life.
24:15And now, instead of taking joy in your kids' accomplishments, you undermine us so we won't show you up.
24:22Maybe it's unconscious.
24:24Maybe you know you're doing it.
24:25But that's what's been going on this whole trip.
24:27So what?
24:31Huh?
24:32You think you're the first kid in the world whose parents ever sabotaged him?
24:35Please, Dewey, parents undermine their children all the time.
24:39My dad told me I would never amount to anything and live a life of hardship and constant disappointment.
24:48Wait, we're talking about Mom.
24:50Well, you shouldn't be.
24:52This is your life.
24:55Crap flies at you.
24:57You gotta learn to deal with it.
24:59Besides, which story would you rather tell?
25:01The one where you show up at a contest, play something, and get a prize?
25:07Or the one where your family torpedoes you, and even though you are crippled and blind, you still come through to win first place?
25:16Guess the second one's a better story.
25:19Of course it is.
25:23Okay, Mom.
25:25Let's go to St. Louis.
25:27Damn straight.
25:29Let's win this thing.
25:33Wow.
25:34That Chinese kid was good.
25:37I have to hand it to you, Mom.
25:39Having Grandma look after us sure kept us out of trouble.
25:42Where's your brother?
25:43In Vegas.
25:44I now pronounce you man and wife.
25:54I'll do everything I can to make you happy.
25:58As soon as we get home, I'm kicking Dewey and Malcolm out of the big bed.
26:02Oh my God.
26:03I'm going to beat her.
26:15I'm going to beat you.
26:16I'll do everything I can to make you happy about.
26:18There you go.
26:20Oh my God.
26:21Oh my God.
26:22Oh my God.