Malcolm In The Middle Season 7 Episode 8 Army Buddy
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00:00Do you have any idea what could happen if you play around with one of these?
00:07Look, see?
00:10This isn't a game. This is not a toy.
00:21Your mother!
00:26Yes, no, maybe
00:30I don't know
00:32Can you repeat the question?
00:36You're not the boss of me now
00:39You're not the boss of me now
00:42You're not the boss of me now
00:44And you're not so big
00:47You're not the boss of me now
00:50You're not the boss of me now
00:53You're not the boss of me now
00:55And you're not so big
01:00Life is unfair.
01:30These people go nuts. I dropped my car keys in one of them.
01:33I had to wrestle a woman for 20 minutes to get them back.
01:36Oh, God, my neck is killing me.
01:39Got it.
01:40And then this 90-year-old man with glaucoma comes in.
01:43He wants to pay for his toiletries with a bag full of pennies.
01:46Feet up.
01:47I finally settled on $5, six buttons, and a run-over bottle cap.
01:51Feet down.
01:53Oh, I swear, Hal, I could hardly stand up through my shift.
02:00I'm afraid I'm gonna have to break down and buy those custom orthotics for my shoes.
02:04Dr. Fletcher said I've got the pronation of a circus clown.
02:07Well, if you need them, you need them. That's all there is to it.
02:10That right heel looks like it could use some pumice.
02:13Oh, Hal, what would I do without you?
02:16I swear I couldn't make it through the day if you weren't here to pick up the pieces and put me back together again.
02:21Oh, nonsense, honey. I'm only doing what any husband would do.
02:25Any husband who cares.
02:27There. Back in.
02:30Now, if you lean forward, I'll get that spot between your shoulder blades.
02:33Actually, that's the one part of me that doesn't hurt today.
02:37Really?
02:40Did I mention the washer is out again?
02:42Oh!
02:43I got it.
02:44Oh!
02:46It's not fair. You owe me $10, Malcolm.
02:50You promised to pay me back a month ago.
02:53Dude, it seems to me you're the only one holding on to this.
02:56The rest of us have moved on.
02:58Yeah, you keep hounding people.
03:00Pretty soon, no one's going to want to borrow money from you.
03:03He's that standard one-on-one.
03:05He fakes. He fakes again. And a behind-the-back pass, too.
03:08Oh!
03:10Uh-oh.
03:12Do you get points for missing your mom's head?
03:25Oh, that rim's a little loose.
03:28Mom, how'd you do that?
03:30Orthotics, boys. They can change your life.
03:33Give me a hand with the groceries, Malcolm.
03:38I might as well.
03:40I don't think I'll be playing basketball ever again.
03:48What the...?
03:49Ugh!
03:50Ugh!
03:51I've been waiting to get you alone, you miserable, scum-sucking piece of garbage.
03:56Short stack? Is that you?
04:03I don't believe it! What the hell are you doing, you ugly grub-eater?
04:07I had a few days' leave, thought I'd spend it with my favorite idiot.
04:10Who is this?
04:11Only my best buddy from the Army?
04:14You remember that story I told you about that girl soldier who went all crybaby
04:17when she got her first care package from home?
04:19Abby's the one that kicked her ass and made her shut up.
04:21It was what any platoon leader would have done.
04:24I'm Abby Tucker. It's nice to meet you.
04:27I'm Lois. This is Malcolm.
04:29Oh, right. Peapod. I see what you mean.
04:33So you're a platoon leader!
04:35It's nice the Army lets a woman have some authority once in a while.
04:39Yes, ma'am.
04:40Although it does feel a little weird to give orders to men.
04:43Well, it shouldn't.
04:44Men are like dogs. It calms them down when they know their boundaries.
04:48Look, if you don't mind, she's only got a couple of free days
04:51and we've got, like, a ton of catching up to do.
04:53Sure?
05:05I want my money.
05:07I want my money.
05:10I want my money.
05:12I want my money.
05:13Dewey, I heard you the first 500 times.
05:15Just shut up.
05:16Okay.
05:19I want my money.
05:21I want my money.
05:22I want my money.
05:23You know, you're right.
05:26I wasn't being fair to you.
05:28A deal's a deal.
05:29I've been saving all this stuff for you for a special occasion.
05:34But today's as good a day as any.
05:37Happy Dewey Day.
05:39You're giving me garbage.
05:40Hey.
05:41I once lent five bucks to Francis and all I got was a double dip swirly.
05:45Consider yourself lucky.
05:51Hi, honey.
05:52Sorry I'm late.
05:54I had to stop by and pick up this puppy on my way home.
05:58Why don't you rub yourself up against this for a while while I get your foot bath ready.
06:04I'm making a small adjustment on the pH, which I think you're going to find especially refreshing.
06:09Hal, you can forget about all that.
06:13I wore my new orthotics today.
06:16See?
06:17It was miraculous.
06:20All the pain and tension disappeared everywhere.
06:23It was like once my feet were properly supported, the rest of my body fell in line like a family of ducks.
06:30Wow.
06:31How about that?
06:33So, I guess crazy days have quieted down a little, huh?
06:37Are you kidding?
06:38Today we started after crazy day sale.
06:41It was wild.
06:42It was wild.
06:42And once you know, the old blind guy with the pennies was back.
06:46He has the most delightful stories about his health.
06:49Did you know that men can get yeast infections?
06:53Imagine that.
06:54So, honey, you can put all that paraphernalia away.
06:57I don't need it anymore.
06:58Isn't that wonderful?
06:59Yeah.
07:00I couldn't be happier, hon.
07:05Shut up.
07:09Are you absolutely sure you don't want to sleep inside tonight?
07:12Ma'am, your backyard is more than adequate.
07:15Oh, and you folks don't have to worry about that possum any longer.
07:18Oh, well, thanks.
07:21I have to confess, I'm a great admirer of yours, ma'am.
07:25Me?
07:26Yes, ma'am.
07:28Reese told me so many amazing stories about you.
07:31Is it true you once made him cut the front lawn with a pair of manicure scissors?
07:35I can't take all the credit for that.
07:37After all, he was the one who didn't refill the ice cube tray.
07:41Malcolm, Reese, get the lead out!
07:47Say it or I'll lick your ear!
07:58I'm a worthless sack of puss and I will always be your bitch!
08:03You know, it's true, but it's still nice to hear once in a while.
08:08So is the latrine free?
08:10I think Dewey's still using it.
08:12That's okay, I dug my own.
08:15Wow.
08:17So when are you guys going to hook up and get it over with?
08:21What?
08:22What are you talking about?
08:23Oh, come on.
08:24Every time I turn around, she's got her hands all over you.
08:28She clearly digs you, dude.
08:29You take that back.
08:31What's your problem?
08:33I mean, I don't want to turn my back on her, but I think she's kind of hot.
08:37No, she isn't.
08:39Buddies can't be hot.
08:41I don't believe you.
08:42The best friend I ever had wakes him up in the middle of the night, giving me a stinging
08:47face fart, and you go and turn it into something ugly.
08:54Well, I sold those comics you gave me.
08:56Turns out they were pretty crappy.
08:58Dewey, we're done with this.
09:00In fact, Captain Danger 243 even had a misprint.
09:04Funny how people in the comic world are very interested in misprints, especially when there's
09:09only five such copies in existence, and Quentin Tarantino has the other four.
09:14What are you talking about?
09:17Is it hot in here, or is it just money?
09:20Oh, my God, this is fantastic.
09:23Who knew we were sitting in such a gold mine here?
09:25We?
09:26I don't think so.
09:29Dewey, you didn't think the whole garbage thing was for real, did you?
09:33You told me I should be happy with what you gave me, and I have to say, I am.
09:38Here's 20 bucks.
09:39Make yourself scarce.
09:41What?
09:41This is my room.
09:42You can't buy me out of here for 20 bucks.
09:45That's 40.
09:46Forget it.
09:47I'm not...
09:48Okay.
09:48I'll be damned if I'm going to call that washing machine repairman again.
09:57I can only find the Japanese version of the manual, but I think I get the gist of it.
10:03It's all taken care of, honey.
10:05What?
10:05What do you mean?
10:06After dinner, I felt so energized, I thought I'd take a look.
10:09Turns out one of Jamie's toys was jammed between the drum and the housing.
10:13Isn't that wonderful I don't have to bother you with all this anymore?
10:27Well, that's strange.
10:29What's that, dear?
10:30My orthotics.
10:32They were right here in my shoes.
10:33I left them there last night.
10:34Where could they be?
10:36Feats me.
10:37Unless...
10:38Wait a minute.
10:40Oh, for the love of that darn kid.
10:43Who?
10:44Jamie.
10:44You see, there's a little piece of jelly on the back of the shoe.
10:47You see that?
10:48We have to face it, Lois.
10:49We are raising a klepto.
10:51What would he want with my orthotics?
10:53Who knows?
10:54Yesterday, he took the last donut.
10:57Well, I doubt we'll ever see those orthotics again.
11:01Oh, and just when you were feeling so good.
11:04Oh, why, God, why does this always happen to us?
11:09Why can't we just once catch a break?
11:13You did have them.
11:18Why are they covered in dirt?
11:20Did you bury them, you little devil?
11:24Isn't he a clever kid?
11:26Mm-hmm.
11:27Well, thanks again for the company.
11:35Although I still don't know what you find so fascinating about my job at the Lucky Aid.
11:41Are you kidding?
11:42The way that you handled that unruly mob without once firing over their heads?
11:47You are incredible.
11:48So, you want to do some buddy stuff?
11:57You know, wrestle, horse around, no funny business, no strings attached?
12:01Yeah, sure.
12:02Just give me a second.
12:04What are you doing that for?
12:06My lips are a little bit chapped.
12:07Here, you want some?
12:08What else did you buy?
12:12Shampoo, a nail file, some Q-tips.
12:14Why?
12:15Well, you don't have to get all femme on me.
12:17What's the matter, big dog?
12:19Afraid I can't take you anymore.
12:22What's wrong, Reese?
12:24We have to get some stuff out in the open.
12:26Punch me if I'm wrong, but there's something in the air around here that smells like a whole lot more than friendship.
12:30Oh, God.
12:34Am I that obvious?
12:36So it's true?
12:37Don't be mad, Reese.
12:39I swear I did not intend for this to happen.
12:42It's just a silly schoolgirl crush, and I know it won't go anywhere.
12:47I'm sorry.
12:48The last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable.
12:52Am I making you uncomfortable, Reese?
12:55No.
12:56It's cool.
12:57It's nothing I can't handle.
13:00That's good.
13:12I need someone to drive!
13:15Yes, ma'am!
13:17Damn!
13:18I never should have let her see me on my bike shorts.
13:21Hold it.
13:38You're not going anywhere.
13:42You didn't even like this show.
13:44No, what's more important is you don't either.
13:45All right, Charlie, Bethy, let's sing along.
13:49Ooh, good.
13:50Sing along.
13:51Nice and loud.
13:52Have I told you how much I love my orthotics?
14:02Yes.
14:04You made up a little song about them at dinner, remember?
14:08Are you coming to bed?
14:10Oh, I can't.
14:11I'm just too up to sleep.
14:13Well, if you're really looking to release some tension, I guess there's something I could
14:18do for you.
14:20If you ask nicely.
14:22Hell, you are sweet.
14:24But I'm going to take a rain check.
14:26I'm jogging on down to the high school to run a few laps.
14:28Hold these while I get my running shoes.
14:30Let's go.
14:55Okay, you're done.
15:15The school day is officially over.
15:21This was worth way more than $45.
15:23You know, I have to agree.
15:27Tomorrow we'll go with Mom's earrings.
15:29And something that shows off your figure.
15:31No, I'm done with this.
15:33I'm not going to humiliate myself anymore for money that's rightfully mine.
15:36Then you'll never know how much you could have.
15:38Trust me, I really don't care.
15:40Not at all?
15:41No.
15:42Not even as near as a thousand?
15:46A thousand?
15:48No, you're right.
15:49This is getting kind of boring.
15:50I'm sure I can find some other way to torment you.
15:52No, no.
15:54These are working out great.
15:55Look, I'm even breaking out in hives.
15:57You don't want to throw that away.
15:59I got it.
16:00How about I go walking through the mall tomorrow wearing swim fins and goggles?
16:06We'll see.
16:07How long have you been here?
16:19Since last night.
16:21To be honest, I'm a little hurt that no one seemed to miss me.
16:24Is this about Abby?
16:25You were right, Malcolm.
16:26She wants me bad.
16:28This is a disaster.
16:30Why?
16:31You've got a girl that's crazy about you.
16:33But that's just wrong.
16:35She's my buddy.
16:36The best friend I've ever had.
16:39But then I'll roll around on the floor and make her smell my armpit kind of way.
16:42Everyone has their own kind of foreplay.
16:45The important thing now is how you feel about her.
16:48It's hard to say.
16:50Now when I think about her, I get all nervous in my stomach.
16:52Like my bowels could cut loose at any moment.
16:56That's love, dude.
16:58Wow.
16:59You'd think somebody would put that in a song.
17:02Listen, I know we've had our differences.
17:04But I say this as a brother.
17:07You're not that great a catch.
17:09This girl might be the best shot you'll ever get.
17:12You need to suck it up and at least tell her how you feel.
17:14Otherwise you might end up looking like an idiot.
17:19Do we saw the skirt that goes with these?
17:20Who's the lame brain who left the trash cans in the middle of the driveway?
17:33Yes!
17:36I hate these things.
17:41Oh, honey, what happened?
17:43I was standing on my cash register putting up these cute little butterfly decals
17:47when suddenly I got the most excruciating cramp in my leg.
17:52It was like that time Francis chomped down at me, only I couldn't turn the hose on it.
17:57You know, if they're going to fix one problem and just cause another, I don't want any part of them.
18:01Why don't I get the foot bath?
18:02It's my own damn fault for thinking there was a magic pill to give me my life back.
18:07I should have known it was too good to be true.
18:10You can't trust the banks.
18:11You can't trust your own kids.
18:13And you obviously cannot trust doctors.
18:16God, Hal, you're the only person I still have to believe, and I'm so happy I can still trust you.
18:25Oh, sorry, I was looking for Reese.
18:28Well, if the refrigerator door isn't open, he's probably not home.
18:32Hal, get rid of these.
18:34I'm going to try to walk it off.
18:35Well, honey, you know, it may not be all their fault.
18:37I've made up my mind.
18:39I do not want them anymore.
18:41Looks like a mild strain of the gastrocnemius.
18:48You used to see it all the time in boot camp.
18:51You might want to try massaging that muscle.
18:54You think so?
18:55Well, I'd be happy to do it for you.
18:58Oh, would you, Abby?
18:59That would be great.
19:00Go ahead.
19:06Don't be timid.
19:10No, really.
19:11Dig in.
19:14Oh, yeah.
19:17Oh, God.
19:18That's the spot.
19:20Oh.
19:22Oh.
19:23Oh, yes.
19:28Yes.
19:30Don't stop.
19:33That's it.
19:36That's a little high.
19:41I'm sorry.
19:42Did you just make a pass at me?
19:44Ma'am, forgive me.
19:45Oh, no, no, no.
19:46It's not that I'm not flattered,
19:48but I'm the mother of, like, five children.
19:50I've been married for a hundred years.
19:52Why would you think...
19:53I was wrong, ma'am.
19:54I was way out of line.
19:56Do I give off that kind of vibe?
19:57Because I would hate to think
19:59people are walking around
20:00with me giving them false hopes.
20:02Would it help if I changed my hair?
20:04Ma'am, I really have to go.
20:05Sure.
20:07Don't beat yourself up.
20:09I'm sure there are many women
20:11who find you very attractive.
20:13Don't forget to cherry.
20:26There.
20:27Happy?
20:29In truth,
20:30it was better conceptually.
20:32Just give me my money
20:33and leave me alone.
20:34Tough words for a human Sunday.
20:38Oops.
20:39What do you know?
20:40When's the last of it?
20:41Really?
20:43That's the last of it?
20:44So it appears.
20:46Aha!
20:46Who looks like the idiot now, huh?
20:49I've got all the money.
20:50All $148 of it.
20:53And what do you have, little man?
20:54Nothing!
20:55Except my self-respect.
20:57But it's hard to put a price on that.
21:00Wait.
21:01Maybe I can.
21:02I can.
21:11Reese?
21:19Reese?
21:20You in here?
21:22I have a present for you.
21:25What?
21:27Something I've never given another girl
21:29in my entire life.
21:31I hope you like it.
21:37Reese, what the...
21:38Oh my God, you tied a bow.
21:43I'm giving you my innocence.
21:46I've saved myself for you, Abby.
21:48Let's not wait any longer.
21:50I'm gay.
21:51What?
21:52I like women.
21:53Are you kidding?
21:54No, I thought you knew.
21:55You knew.
22:00You dropped your bow.
22:01So you don't think I'm attractive?
22:09Not even a little?
22:11Look, uh...
22:12Maybe if you were the last person on Earth
22:14or we were trapped on a desert island
22:17and you had surgery...
22:20Nope.
22:21You're still dog meat.
22:24This is fantastic!
22:26We're buddies again!
22:27We're right back where we started!
22:29Wait a minute.
22:33But if I'm not the girl
22:35you're hung up on around here...
22:38Oh my God!
22:40Oh my God!
22:42Reese, it was just a stupid...
22:43Big Gloria, the meter reader?
22:46Yes.
22:48Yes, there was an awkward scene.
22:50Turns out she's taken.
22:51But that's not why I'm leaving.
22:53May not be seeing you for a while, big dog.
22:55So this is really it, then?
22:57You take care of yourself, Reese.
23:00You're a great guy, you know that?
23:02You're more than that.
23:05You're the best friend I've ever had.
23:15I'll miss you too, buddy!
23:17A little more, and you'll be just like you.
23:29All I gotta say is that you better be good to her.
23:34Sweet mother of God!
23:38You home-wrapper!
23:40What the hell?
23:41What are you doing?
23:44Saving our marriage!
23:46What?
23:48I was trying to put your orthotics back together the way they were,
23:53but there's only so much I can take, Lois.
23:56At some point, a man has to take a stand.
23:59What do you mean, put them back the way they were?
24:02Did you do something to my orthotics?
24:04Yes, and I'd do it again!
24:07Why?
24:08Because!
24:13Because I missed the old you.
24:16I missed the Lois who had come home racked with pain and tension and
24:21snarling like a rabid bobcat.
24:24That Lois needed me to make her feel better.
24:28Oh, Hal.
24:31So now you know.
24:33Now you can go out and get new orthotics,
24:37and I'll just try to stay out of your way.
24:40Hal, you are being ridiculous.
24:43These things are not going to replace you.
24:46Remember that time I got that non-stick German waffle iron?
24:50I was walking on air for weeks, but it didn't last.
24:54True.
24:54Remember when our kids made us happy?
24:57Oh, well, we were both just being stupid there.
25:00But the point is, something's always going to come up.
25:05I'll be miserable again.
25:10You promise?
25:11Of course.
25:15Oh.
25:18Come on.
25:21Now, I am going to get another pair, Hal.
25:24Fine, but I don't want to know about them
25:27and keep them out of our bedroom.
25:29I'm not going to go.
25:29Bye.
25:30Bye.