In his fifth comedy special, Josh Blue delivers hilarious tales of reality TV, single parenthood, and living with cerebral palsy.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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00:00:00You think that I'm just
00:00:04Sun Drake Survivor
00:00:08You think that I'm just
00:00:12Sun Drake Survivor
00:00:28Thank you very much.
00:00:34That's good.
00:00:38And that is my time.
00:00:40Thank you so much.
00:00:42Did you see me trip into my special?
00:00:44That's great.
00:00:46That sums up my
00:00:48whole act.
00:00:50So,
00:00:52buckle up.
00:00:54Here we go.
00:00:56So I know a lot of you saw me get third place on America's Got Talent.
00:01:06America's Got Talent is an amazing show to be part of.
00:01:10It is definitely a little weird because it's the largest talent show in the world.
00:01:16But it's like comedy versus whatever.
00:01:20Whatever.
00:01:22Like, do you like one-legged unicyclists?
00:01:28How about two dogs and a duffel bag?
00:01:32Doesn't make any sense, this show.
00:01:34And I don't mind getting third place.
00:01:36That's actually great.
00:01:38You know, I'm touring all over.
00:01:40And, uh, well, I'm here tonight.
00:01:42Well, because this is what third gets you.
00:01:56Yeah, fuck you, Hollywood.
00:02:02I'm going to Greenwood Village, bitch.
00:02:04I mean, yeah.
00:02:10Vegas can suck it, too.
00:02:16I'd rather be here any damn day.
00:02:18Yeah.
00:02:24Well, I live here. It's great, you know?
00:02:26I, uh, again, third place is amazing.
00:02:32But the thing is, um, me getting third place just proves once again that Americans have no idea how to fucking vote.
00:02:51Yeah, yeah.
00:02:56Every chance you get, you fuck it up, man.
00:03:00Well, this guy seems like a real dumbass, huh?
00:03:03That's my guy.
00:03:04Yeah.
00:03:08America's Got Talent, though, is that they want to, like, get you to say crazy things in these interviews.
00:03:14So they'll be, they'll be goading me, like,
00:03:16So, Josh, do you think that you're funnier than a little girl that can sing Pavarotti?
00:03:26I'm sure fucking hope so.
00:03:32I know I can hip-check her in the hallway.
00:03:37I never wanted to beat up kids more in my life.
00:03:41Little talented shits. Get out of here.
00:03:43I will say this about America's Got Talent.
00:03:47It's very inclusive, uh, to the disabled community.
00:03:51Uh, yeah.
00:03:57I mean, some people call it exploitation, but that's...
00:04:00No, it is a very inclusive show.
00:04:15Like, you know, I have cerebral palsy, and there's amazing acts like Cody Lee.
00:04:20He's blind and autistic. Man, he's amazing. Such an amazing talent.
00:04:26And then, like, it just all walks alive like ballerinas with no arms, and, like, all the way down, uh, to magicians.
00:04:35I'm not sure what spectrum that is, but they're definitely on it.
00:04:50Again, I don't mind getting third place.
00:04:54But do you understand how humiliating it is to lose to a fucking magician?
00:05:08I've never been more embarrassed in my whole life, I'm telling you.
00:05:11But here's the thing about magic, man.
00:05:14It just gets me so bad, because we're a room full of adults.
00:05:17You guys all understand that magic isn't fucking real, right?
00:05:28You get that, right? They tell you up front.
00:05:31It's called a trick.
00:05:34Okay, I'm gonna trick you now.
00:05:37And then somehow you're still like,
00:05:39Ah! Oh, my God!
00:05:43Oh!
00:05:45Oh!
00:05:47Oh, my God!
00:05:49Where did my nickel go?
00:05:56The fucking creep stole it from me.
00:06:02Fuck magic. I hate that shit.
00:06:05Look at this bunch of bullshit I ever seen in my life.
00:06:10I didn't like magic before this, but now.
00:06:15Yeah, the other day my son tried to show me a magic trick.
00:06:18I was like, not in this house.
00:06:23You see, son, we have dignity.
00:06:27Not like these fake-ass wizards.
00:06:32Little Harry Potter bitch.
00:06:33Hey, you guys want to see a trick?
00:06:44That's actually what a pimp says.
00:06:53And I'd much rather my son be a pimp than a magician.
00:06:55Listen, man, I don't know where you pulled that rabbet out of,
00:07:06but I know where you can stick it.
00:07:10Up there with that gerbil.
00:07:11All right, I knew there was some filthy magic lovers out there.
00:07:26Dark arts motherfuckers. Come on.
00:07:28I gotta say, a lot of you are laughing, but I can see quite a few people just looking at me like...
00:07:38Well, he was such a nice boy on television.
00:07:40I am a real boy.
00:07:52Just got my strings cut off.
00:08:01Still working it out.
00:08:03It's a Pinocchio joke, guys.
00:08:09I feel like some of you didn't get that.
00:08:14I don't know why you wouldn't have got my reference from a cartoon from the 40s.
00:08:19Did you know that there is an actual, like, list of all the talents in the world?
00:08:26Like, there's a huge compiled list of all, and, like, it's a picking order, like, of worth and value.
00:08:37And, like, it's a very, like, huge list.
00:08:42I mean, it's, like, it's so long.
00:08:46And, um, I actually memorized it.
00:08:49And I was gonna give you, like, a rundown of what's on the list.
00:08:56Obviously, we don't have time for the whole list.
00:08:59But, like, a good example is at the very top is stand-up comedy.
00:09:06And then the next rundown is astronauts.
00:09:21And then dolphins.
00:09:25And Michael Jordan.
00:09:27And then, like, I'll just scroll down, down, down, like, a bunch of pages down.
00:09:32And then we get to, like, um, improv groups.
00:09:36And then juggalos.
00:09:39And then, uh, guitar acts.
00:09:43And then the Irish.
00:09:48And just calm down.
00:09:49The list is still really long.
00:09:51You're pretty high up.
00:09:53Irish, you're doing good.
00:09:55It's a very long list.
00:09:57Don't be so quick to judge here.
00:09:59And, again, he just, I just gonna scroll down to, like, interesting rocks.
00:10:06And then, uh, um, like, like, uh, chia pets.
00:10:12And then, uh, big kites.
00:10:16And then, uh, down, down, down.
00:10:20And we go, uh, I'll just go to the bottom where you finally get to mimes.
00:10:24And then, um, uh, mentalists.
00:10:30And a mentalist is just a magician that's smart enough not to call themselves that.
00:10:38And then ventriloquists.
00:10:43And then Joe Rogan.
00:10:46And then Joe Rogan.
00:10:47And then you finally get on down to the filthy fucking magicians.
00:11:00Very bottom.
00:11:01Very bottom.
00:11:02Very bottom.
00:11:03Well, here's the thing.
00:11:04If you're not getting my humor,
00:11:07uh, that's actually my fault.
00:11:09Yeah.
00:11:10Yeah.
00:11:11You see, uh, I didn't explain how comedy works.
00:11:16So I'm just gonna give you a quick rundown.
00:11:20And, again, this isn't for most of you.
00:11:24You're doing great.
00:11:26It was, uh, just a couple of pockets.
00:11:31All right, so how a joke works is I take an idea.
00:11:47And then I go and I take another idea.
00:11:50And then I bring them together.
00:11:57And then when they come together, that's the funny part.
00:12:05But the only thing is you gotta do the math.
00:12:10So you gotta be able to go into your own head
00:12:16and then figure out why...
00:12:20the other people are laughing.
00:12:32All right, well, let's see if you can follow this one.
00:12:36So I got a neighbor that's colorblind,
00:12:42and he is surprisingly racist.
00:12:56You guys get it?
00:13:01It's because he doesn't see color.
00:13:06That's the part that's weird.
00:13:10That he would harbor hatred in his heart.
00:13:17I hate that guy, man.
00:13:21The other day I went over to his house.
00:13:23I was like, listen, man.
00:13:25It's not cool to be racist.
00:13:27He was like, get your black ass off my porch.
00:13:28I was like, shit.
00:13:29That was a pretty easy one, guys.
00:13:30I was like, shit.
00:13:31That was a pretty easy one, guys.
00:13:32I'm gonna step it up now.
00:13:33That was a pretty easy one, guys.
00:13:34I'm gonna step it up now.
00:13:35That was a pretty easy one, guys.
00:13:38I'm gonna step it up now.
00:13:39You know, because there's no point in holding the whole class back.
00:13:41I'm gonna step it up now.
00:13:43You know, because there's no point in holding the whole class back for just a couple of pockets.
00:13:58Oh, hey.
00:13:59Is that for me?
00:14:00Oh, thank you.
00:14:01Was it that bad, huh?
00:14:02I thought I was doing okay, yeah?
00:14:03I thought I was doing okay, yeah?
00:14:04I'm gonna step it up now.
00:14:05I'm gonna step it up now.
00:14:06You know, because there's no point in holding the whole class back for just a couple of pockets.
00:14:11Oh, hey.
00:14:12Is that for me?
00:14:13Oh, thank you.
00:14:14Was it that bad, huh?
00:14:28I thought I was doing okay, yeah?
00:14:31You know it's bad when a seasoned server's like, hey, I've seen a lot of shows and, uh, you're gonna need this.
00:14:46It's, uh, it's not a good sign on the special, you know?
00:14:50Well, here's the real deal.
00:14:55I do like drinking, but I'm already working with a speech impediment, so.
00:15:03And besides, I don't know which one of you sick fucks sent that up here.
00:15:07I see one of you just, uh, give this to the comedian.
00:15:14It's a little payback for Cosby.
00:15:18Oh, shit.
00:15:19All right.
00:15:20All right.
00:15:21Ooh.
00:15:22All right.
00:15:23Ooh.
00:15:24All right.
00:15:25Ooh.
00:15:26All right.
00:15:27Ooh.
00:15:28Yeah.
00:15:29They're just making sure we're all listening.
00:15:31Yeah.
00:15:32You're doing it.
00:15:33You're doing it.
00:15:34So proud of you guys.
00:15:35Come a long way tonight.
00:15:37That Cosby thing, man, that fucked me up, because as a comedian, I grew up looking up to that guy.
00:15:51And we all watched his show, it was a great show, and then that came out about him and it ruined his body of work.
00:15:57But here's my thing, I always was a little suspicious.
00:16:03Because anytime anybody's that clean in public, remember he was always like, oh, you can't say the filthy curse words.
00:16:14That just reminds me of those politicians that are like, these homosexuals are ruining our nation.
00:16:22Blah!
00:16:25Blah!
00:16:26Blah!
00:16:27Blah!
00:16:28Blah!
00:16:29Blah!
00:16:30Blah!
00:16:31Blah!
00:16:32Blah!
00:16:33Just, just, just, yeah.
00:16:37Just sucking random dicks in airports.
00:16:40Blah!
00:16:41Blah!
00:16:42Blah!
00:16:43I can't find enough of these things.
00:16:45Blah!
00:16:46Blah!
00:16:47Blah!
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00:17:23Blah!
00:17:24Blah!
00:17:25Blah!
00:17:26Blah!
00:17:27and that's a sign that you, you know, need a blowjob.
00:17:32Or whatever makes you fly better, you know?
00:17:43All right.
00:17:45All I'm saying, guys, is I fly a lot.
00:17:50And I'm like, well, how far?
00:17:52I gotta get my leg under here.
00:17:57Come on, two stalls over.
00:18:08No takers, no takers.
00:18:15All I get is pissed off, dude.
00:18:17It's like, here's some toilet paper.
00:18:18Fuck off.
00:18:19Fuckin' magic.
00:18:41You get it?
00:18:43You know, having a disability is interesting, because people always want to help me with
00:18:53stuff, and that's so kind.
00:18:55I do appreciate it.
00:18:57But here's the deal.
00:18:58For the most part, I got it, you know?
00:19:03And the other thing about me is I'm not afraid to ask you for help.
00:19:07Like, I know my limits.
00:19:09Like, let's say there's a pot of hot soup that needs to be carried.
00:19:18I'm like, hey.
00:19:19Hey, please.
00:19:20You know, thank you.
00:19:22Hey, I appreciate that, man.
00:19:24Well, what I've come to find is that more often than not, people are like, hey, can I pour
00:19:32that for you?
00:19:33And then they spill it, and I'm like, well, I could have fuckin' done that.
00:19:44And you robbed me of my independence.
00:19:46That's actually the funny part, yeah.
00:19:57Cheers, everyone.
00:20:04Yeah.
00:20:05Use more next time, date raper.
00:20:14I ain't feelin' shit.
00:20:16It's just good to be touring, you know?
00:20:19Well, the whole thing with COVID is, like, you guys understand that I'm comin' in here
00:20:25with, uh, some pre-existing conditions, you know?
00:20:34Let me tell you, when COVID showed up, I was like, get in line, motherfucker.
00:20:43You're at the back with bunions and tennis elbows.
00:20:46They're good dudes.
00:20:53They'll show you around.
00:20:55You know, ins and outs.
00:20:59COVID, though, man, I mean, I've been a comedian for 20 years, doing 200 shows a year, and then
00:21:05the pandemic hit, and I became a home-school teacher.
00:21:13I was very ill-prepared for that.
00:21:19You see, folks, I'm a comic for a reason.
00:21:21Like, sorry, guys, daddy can't help you with your math homework, but if you need a good dick
00:21:29joke, I gotcha.
00:21:30A big one with curves in it.
00:21:44That's curves plural.
00:21:46I like a good plot twist.
00:21:54Oh, no, the whole pandemic.
00:21:56I mean, here's the deal.
00:21:57I have two kids.
00:22:00I love being a dad.
00:22:01I love being a dad.
00:22:01Yeah, and, uh...
00:22:02Oh, well, thanks.
00:22:07I'll be sure and tell him you did that.
00:22:13Hey, guys, at my special, the seven people clap for you.
00:22:16You guys understand that I can fucking hear, right?
00:22:32I have two kids, and, uh, I also have 50% custody of the kids.
00:22:51And, uh, well, if you know anything about that, you know that's a lot of custody.
00:23:02I've actually, like, sat down and worked it out.
00:23:16That's half of my time.
00:23:21And that's real.
00:23:22That's real time.
00:23:25That you don't get back.
00:23:26It's real.
00:23:27Again, I love my kids very much.
00:23:34But it's time to go to your fucking mom's house.
00:23:37I have a 12-year-old daughter, and, uh, she will not shut the fuck up, man.
00:23:52Oh, oh, my God.
00:23:55Oh.
00:23:57Again, I like her a lot.
00:23:59She's probably in my top five.
00:24:12I just don't know how to tell her any other way.
00:24:16I don't give a flying fuck about Ariana Grande.
00:24:18And then to offset that, I also have a 14-year-old boy living at the house.
00:24:28You guys familiar with these weirdies?
00:24:33I'm telling you, it's all I can do to keep them off the magic.
00:24:36Oh, and he's also been taking a lot of long showers.
00:24:59Yeah, and when he finally comes out, his hair isn't even wet.
00:25:02He's like, come on, man.
00:25:15You can lie better to me.
00:25:20The other day, I stopped him in the hallway after a particularly long shower.
00:25:27I caught him.
00:25:28I was like, hey, man, listen.
00:25:29I don't give a shit what you're doing in there.
00:25:32Just turn off the fucking water.
00:25:44I'm like, do you understand how many laughs I had to get for that shower?
00:25:54That wasn't enough, guys.
00:25:58Yeah.
00:25:59Yeah, my boy's ankles are still dry.
00:26:07He's causing the drought here.
00:26:08Remember the first couple months of the lockdown?
00:26:19There's just some real dark days.
00:26:23Yeah, I just thought I'd bring you back there.
00:26:28I remember the first couple of months of that lockdown.
00:26:31The whole world's caving in around me.
00:26:33All of us, you know, we don't know what the hell's going on.
00:26:37You lost your job.
00:26:39You're locked in your house with your kids.
00:26:43Just washing your mail and shit.
00:26:50I tell you, man, I found myself doing all these childhood activities, you know?
00:26:55Like doing puzzles and playing board games and crying.
00:27:04Maybe throw in some long showers.
00:27:06Sometimes I'd cry in the shower.
00:27:18Just multitasking.
00:27:23I'll tell you this about the pandemic.
00:27:26Like, I would rather cry than do a fucking puzzle.
00:27:33Shit, I'd rather eat a puzzle.
00:27:38Thousand pieces, no problem.
00:27:40And then in the morning, I shit out a rustic farmhouse.
00:27:58Which is weird, because it was a puzzle of a kitty.
00:28:06Something ain't right down there.
00:28:10Something's off.
00:28:17So stupid.
00:28:18All right.
00:28:27Yeah, this right arm, uh, he's, uh, he's a busy boy over there.
00:28:36Very busy, uh, appendage, for sure.
00:28:40It's like living with a raccoon or something.
00:28:46Yeah, the sun goes down.
00:28:47He got some shit to do.
00:28:51He's over there scurrying around.
00:28:53I still don't even know where he got the watch.
00:29:09Yeah, the little fucker won't let me look at it, either.
00:29:11Neither one.
00:29:34Yeah, he probably got it from a magician.
00:29:36Fuck magic
00:29:48Fucking hate magic
00:29:52Motherfucker
00:29:56At night I'm trying to sleep
00:30:07And this thing is just up
00:30:08Writing emails
00:30:10I'm like who could you possibly
00:30:20Be writing to
00:30:22Probably some
00:30:24Clubfoot in Kansas
00:30:26That's a pretty hard
00:30:37Correspondent right there
00:30:38I can't imagine
00:30:41A clubfoot types too well
00:30:43I don't know why
00:30:49I say this shit man
00:30:50I never write any of this
00:30:56Down
00:30:56You should see me before the show
00:31:00Just pacing around like
00:31:02Oh man I hope it comes out again
00:31:04Frankly you're lucky I'm even facing
00:31:09The right direction
00:31:10Lights
00:31:13Oh yeah look at this shit
00:31:19Don't encourage him
00:31:26He didn't earn that
00:31:30I got dudes running up on me
00:31:33Yo bro you work out
00:31:34I'm like I can't even get him
00:31:37To lift a fucking fork
00:31:38This is straight palsy bro
00:31:43You wish you had this
00:31:47Man I've been working out since I came out
00:31:52And probably a little in utero
00:31:59You know what they say
00:32:04The early baby gets the Popeye arm
00:32:07I don't think they really say that
00:32:15But now that you heard me say it
00:32:20You should say it
00:32:22Yeah try that at work and let me know how it goes
00:32:25Actually I'm pretty sure I know how that goes
00:32:30Hey Thompson you're early today
00:32:33Well boss you know what they say
00:32:35The early baby gets the Popeye arm huh
00:32:38I'm gonna need you to pack your shit up
00:32:45And get out of here
00:32:46Okay you've had your turn bud
00:32:57Oh okay we'll do it
00:33:01This will shut him up
00:33:04Alright look at this
00:33:06Palsy shadow puppets
00:33:21I'm gonna win a GT next time
00:33:26Apparently the only thing that can beat magic
00:33:32Is an injured crane
00:33:34Did you see the shadow?
00:33:4737 more months of winter
00:33:49Fucking magic
00:33:58Now listen
00:34:04I was coming in here tonight
00:34:07And one of you stopped me out there in the lobby
00:34:10Just so excited
00:34:11Hey
00:34:13I came here just to see you
00:34:16I was like well
00:34:18I guess you can fucking go home
00:34:20Mission accomplished
00:34:31Mission accomplished
00:34:31You dumbass
00:34:34And if you figured out you're supposed to stick around
00:34:43Sorry I called you a dumbass
00:34:46I was at my hotel the other day
00:34:52I went to go get some delicious lobby coffee
00:34:55You know
00:34:56Is it just me or does every hotel somehow manage to make their coffee
00:35:07Tastes like it was percolated through a trucker's ass
00:35:11Mmm
00:35:11Mmm
00:35:12Mmm
00:35:14Mmm
00:35:15Mmm
00:35:16Mmm
00:35:18Mmm
00:35:19Mmm
00:35:20Mmm
00:35:21Mmm
00:35:22Mmm
00:35:23Mmm
00:35:24Mmm
00:35:25Mmm
00:35:26Mmm
00:35:27Mmm
00:35:28Mmm
00:35:29Mmm
00:35:30Mmm
00:35:31Mmm
00:35:32Mmm
00:35:33Mmm
00:35:34Mmm
00:35:35Mmm
00:35:36Mmm
00:35:37Mmm
00:35:38Mmm
00:35:39My
00:35:40Mmm
00:35:41Mmm
00:35:41Mmm
00:35:42Thanks Joe
00:35:43You made a good one
00:35:46From his rim to mine
00:35:52Um
00:35:56Uh
00:35:56Uh
00:36:01Sorry, that's so gross.
00:36:04You know, before I say this crazy shit,
00:36:07I do have that alarm in my head going off, like,
00:36:10hey, dude, don't say Clubfoot in Kansas.
00:36:15Or something, yeah.
00:36:18But then I say it, and you laugh, and I'm like,
00:36:20ha-ha, I told you, fucker.
00:36:26Don't you be questioning me.
00:36:32You know, I really used to think I had a way with animals,
00:36:35and then I realized that I'd just make a lot of crumbs.
00:36:49I just got a pack of random-ass dogs following me around,
00:36:54just hoping I'll break into a muffin or something.
00:36:57I don't know how many times I've tried to go into a restaurant
00:37:02and they're like, you can't bring your dogs in here.
00:37:04These ain't my fucking dogs.
00:37:08If you could get them to piss off, that'd be great.
00:37:13And then I come to find they're just other people's service dogs.
00:37:16They just saw me stumbling by, they're like,
00:37:30hey, man, you wait here.
00:37:32I gotta help this guy.
00:37:37Hey, slow down, fella.
00:37:44I got your mail.
00:37:55You guys get it?
00:38:05Makes me feel happy that you're doing the work.
00:38:08You're doing the work.
00:38:09Sorry, this is bugging the shit out of me.
00:38:20Look at this.
00:38:21Yeah.
00:38:21Yeah.
00:38:25Like, where the fuck they think I was going, man?
00:38:32This stage ain't that big, man.
00:38:45There's enough leash here to go outside.
00:38:50You guys want to go outside?
00:38:54You want to go outside?
00:38:56The other day I was in my backyard with my kids.
00:39:13You know, we're just out there chipping away at that 50% time.
00:39:18And, uh, just, uh, just, uh, just, uh, just got him out there pulling weeds or whatever.
00:39:30And, uh, and then a bird landed on me.
00:39:37It scared the shit out of me.
00:39:39I'm not going to lie.
00:39:39Like, and here's the deal with that.
00:39:42That upsets me, because I pride myself on not being afraid of bugs or animals.
00:39:49But when you see that out of the corner of your eye, and then you think that it's a bug,
00:39:56it's a big fucking bug, right?
00:40:00No, just a bird sitting there.
00:40:01It's claws came through, though.
00:40:04It felt like a giant-ass global warming June bug or something.
00:40:13It was just looking at me all calm.
00:40:15It was so calm I started feeling like Snow White.
00:40:18Like,
00:40:18Look, children, it picked me.
00:40:29I'm the pretty one, yes.
00:40:31Yeah, and then it ate something out of my beard and flew away.
00:40:47Feed your family.
00:40:53It's a symbiotic relationship.
00:40:57It gets food and I get clean.
00:40:59So.
00:41:01All right, not too many science buffs out there.
00:41:07Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:41:10You know, people often ask me if my show is family friendly.
00:41:14And I'm like, well, it depends on your fucking family.
00:41:21I'm going to let you decide.
00:41:23I don't know about you folks, but I like my kids learning from professionals.
00:41:34Ooh, thanks for the whistle.
00:41:37I'm going to store that in my heart for sure.
00:41:39I do travel a lot.
00:41:41I do travel a lot.
00:41:46The other day, I had to go to Cleveland.
00:41:49And, uh, and, uh, well, the night before, I went out to dinner with my lady.
00:41:58We went to a pretty fancy place.
00:42:00Dressed up nice, dressed up nice, you know, we were having fun.
00:42:03A little drinking, laughing, eating.
00:42:07And, uh, I was feeling good.
00:42:09My timing was on.
00:42:10So then across the way, there was this old couple.
00:42:15They looked real nice.
00:42:17They dressed, but the, they just look like they're having the most boring conversation
00:42:23you could possibly have.
00:42:25So I looked at my lady.
00:42:26I was like, hey, babe, I hope when we're old, we're not like that.
00:42:32You know, still together.
00:42:35Woo!
00:42:36Woo!
00:42:37Woo!
00:42:38Woo!
00:42:39Woo!
00:42:40Woo!
00:42:41Woo!
00:42:42Woo!
00:42:43Woo!
00:42:44Woo!
00:42:45Ha ha ha ha!
00:42:46Woo!
00:42:47Woo!
00:42:48She laughed.
00:42:49She laughed.
00:42:50She laughed.
00:42:51Thank goodness.
00:42:52That's a scary joke right there.
00:42:54Taking some risks.
00:42:56Oh, so then that night, before I flew to Cleveland early, uh, I was like, I was like, I was like,
00:43:04uh, well, in bed, she held me the entire night.
00:43:10So then, in the morning, when my alarm went off, I rolled over, I was like, hey, babe,
00:43:18you know, when I come back, I'm gonna do the same thing for you.
00:43:22And then, uh, we're gonna see how you fuckin' like that.
00:43:25I'm hot.
00:43:26I'm hot.
00:43:27I'm hot.
00:43:28I'm hot.
00:43:29I'm very hot.
00:43:30I'm hot.
00:43:31I'm hot.
00:43:32I'm hot.
00:43:33I'm hot.
00:43:34I'm hot.
00:43:35Please, I'm hot.
00:43:36I'm like, I love you, but I'm hot.
00:43:40Very, very, very hot.
00:43:42Please, I'm hot.
00:43:43I'm hot.
00:43:44I'm hot.
00:43:45I'm hot.
00:43:46Like, I would let you put a toe on my calf.
00:43:50But besides that, I'm hot.
00:43:55I'm just very, very hot.
00:44:01And the thing is, we have a big old California king-size bed.
00:44:08This is a huge bed.
00:44:10And the other night, she came all the way over and pushed me in the ocean.
00:44:17And the other night, I got up and I walked all the way around the fuckin' Nevada side.
00:44:32Cause I'm hot.
00:44:33I'm hot.
00:44:34I'm hot.
00:44:35Hot.
00:44:36Hot.
00:44:39Hot.
00:44:40Goddammit.
00:44:43Do you guys ever feel like you're having a heart attack?
00:44:49And then you burp and you're like, oh, okay.
00:44:52I thought I was dying, man.
00:44:57Shit.
00:44:58I almost called the ambulance.
00:45:01That's an expensive-ass burp right there.
00:45:05You burp in the ambulance, you're like, oh, I'm just gonna get out right here.
00:45:10I'm fine.
00:45:11I'm fine.
00:45:12I'm fine.
00:45:13I'm fine.
00:45:14I'm fine.
00:45:15No, I'm fine.
00:45:16I don't mind the walk.
00:45:17That's fine.
00:45:18I'm feeling rejuvenated.
00:45:20Okay?
00:45:21Sorry.
00:45:22Sorry about that.
00:45:23Fine.
00:45:24No, I'm good.
00:45:25I'm fine.
00:45:28Well, that leads me to my next question.
00:45:30Why do we stop burping people?
00:45:37It's so weird.
00:45:38Like, think about a baby.
00:45:40One of its main needs is to be burped.
00:45:42It cries.
00:45:43It's in pain.
00:45:44You pop it on the back a couple times, all better.
00:45:49Why do we cut that off at two?
00:45:53All I'm saying is I'm pretty sure we could fix this country's acid reflux problem.
00:46:01You just gotta burp your buddy every now and again.
00:46:06Aren't you sick of taking all these antacid tablets to just stay alive?
00:46:12I'm telling you, man, we're gonna shut down Big Pharma.
00:46:19It's my Burp America campaign.
00:46:25Huckle brother up.
00:46:31And this shit really works.
00:46:32I mean, I'm not selling you no fish oil here.
00:46:42Is it snake oil?
00:46:48Sorry, guys.
00:46:49Sometimes I get my animal oils mixed up.
00:46:51I gotta take more fish oil to remember it, snake oil.
00:47:00All right, not too many homeopaths out there.
00:47:06Oh, there's one.
00:47:07I'm telling you, I had some horrible acid reflux.
00:47:16And then one day I realized that my kids are now big enough to burp me.
00:47:21Like, payback's a bitch.
00:47:26Why don't you go get daddy's burping beach towel and...
00:47:28Let's move some chili around, you know?
00:47:40I just feel like Amazon has made it too easy to order stuff online.
00:47:45Yeah, the other day I came home and there was a box on my porch.
00:47:59And then, uh, he's all excited.
00:48:02Like, what did you do?
00:48:12Just open it up.
00:48:14It's one bedazzled glove.
00:48:16And I'm not putting that on you, dude.
00:48:28You gotta play dress up on your own time.
00:48:32Maybe give your clubfoot buddy a call.
00:48:40And we all know he wouldn't be much help.
00:48:44No grabbers.
00:48:46No grabbers.
00:48:52Again, the alarm in my head was like,
00:48:53Don't say no grabbers.
00:48:59I should've listened.
00:49:04Did you just snort?
00:49:13Don't be embarrassed.
00:49:14Don't sign a success in my business.
00:49:17Yeah.
00:49:21I'd tally my snorts.
00:49:24Just another diagonal line to the fore.
00:49:29My question is, where do you even buy one glove?
00:49:31I mean, now that Michael Jackson's gone.
00:49:32There really can't be much of a market for that.
00:49:40In fact, I'm pretty sure he single-handedly held that market up.
00:49:46All right, sometimes I gotta throw some low-hanging fruit out there.
00:50:03Try to get the group back together.
00:50:05You guys bunch up again, bunch up.
00:50:11There is a company that sells one of things.
00:50:14It's intended for amputees.
00:50:16It's called share-a-pair.
00:50:17Yeah, they got all kinds of shit on there.
00:50:29It's pretty cool.
00:50:31Their idea is, like, if you're missing your size 10 right foot and you're missing your size 10 left foot, fuck it, share-a-pair.
00:50:38Fuck it, share-a-pair, you know?
00:50:42It's pretty cool.
00:50:43It's ecological and economical.
00:50:46And the products are cool.
00:50:47They got gloves and shoes and earrings.
00:50:58See, earrings is one of those ones where I want you guys to do a little bit of a...
00:51:01They want you to go in your head, like, why are they missing a year, you know?
00:51:10Was it a bad fishing trip?
00:51:13Or, like, a relatively good combine accident?
00:51:25You see, that's why I wanted you to do it.
00:51:28When I do it, I get rough with it.
00:51:33You gotta admit, that's a pretty good combine accident.
00:51:36If all you lost was one ear, you're doing good.
00:51:41I've been doing comedy, uh, pretty much my whole adult life.
00:51:45I did have one day job out of college.
00:51:48I, uh, worked for six months at a day program,
00:51:51which is basically, uh, a daycare for, uh, adults with severe mental and physical disabilities.
00:51:59And, uh, you know, I really have had so much help in my life.
00:52:05So my thought was, like, let me go back in the world and give some of that back.
00:52:09And I, uh, I worked there for six months,
00:52:11and, uh, that is because I, uh, couldn't take anymore.
00:52:22And, uh, let's just be clear about the situation.
00:52:26It had nothing to do with the people that came in for the services.
00:52:29The problem is, every morning, they would come into the facility on the short bus.
00:52:34And, uh, I gotta tell you, there was nothing that I could do
00:52:42to convince the driver that I worked there.
00:52:56I go, all right, man, thanks, I got it from here.
00:52:58I said, I got it from here.
00:52:59Okay, buddy!
00:53:04Who's a good helper?
00:53:06Who's a good helper?
00:53:07Who's a good helper?
00:53:08You're a good helper!
00:53:10Why don't you go inside?
00:53:11Go get a person!
00:53:12Person!
00:53:16I'm like, I'll break your fucking wrist, sir!
00:53:21These are all my new co-workers just looking out the window,
00:53:23laughing their ass off at me.
00:53:25I said, send him out again, send him out again!
00:53:34Six months of that shit!
00:53:37I snapped one morning, I just, I picked up a helmet,
00:53:40and I put it on, and I got on the dude's bus.
00:53:43I was like...
00:53:49Take me home, motherfucker!
00:53:52I'm done here, motherfucker, I'm done!
00:53:56And now I do comedy.
00:54:01Career move.
00:54:07This has been really weird for me.
00:54:08I have a buddy that I've known my entire life.
00:54:11We actually went to preschool together.
00:54:14And, um, I'll just tell you this up front about the guy.
00:54:16He is, um, he's able-bodied.
00:54:22And, like, you know, I'm fine with that.
00:54:27You know, I'm cool.
00:54:28I mean, it's cool.
00:54:29You know, early on, I took him under my wing, and...
00:54:39Showing the ways of the world, and, you know.
00:54:42And, uh...
00:54:43Well, here's the thing, is that, uh, right before the pandemic, he got married, and that was really exciting.
00:54:54I got to be the best man.
00:54:55And then, um, he and his wife, they, uh, then had their first baby.
00:55:01Again, very exciting.
00:55:03Um, but then, more recently, um, their son was diagnosed with cerebral palsy.
00:55:15So, it's, it's just, like, interesting and weird, because this guy that I've known my whole life is now coming to me, asking me all these questions.
00:55:26And I'm like, no.
00:55:31I didn't sleep with your wife.
00:55:48Yeah, we just fucked around.
00:55:50But if he's got hair like this...
00:55:58Get him checked.
00:56:06It's just, uh...
00:56:09I'm sorry.
00:56:10I just joke in my head that I'm like, I'm not saying that.
00:56:13I'm not saying that.
00:56:23All right, listen, guys.
00:56:24You don't have to twist my arm.
00:56:34It's already pretty hooked up over there.
00:56:37All right, well, just remember, you wanted me to say this.
00:56:45So, I recently discovered that you don't need the peanut butter for a dog to lick your asshole.
00:56:53laugh
00:56:58.
00:57:10Thanks, Joe!
00:57:15.
00:57:17Well, I only bring this up...
00:57:18Because I know some of you sick fucks out there
00:57:23wasting your money on peanut butter.
00:57:32Could be saving up for something.
00:57:36All I'm saying is a dog is gonna do it for free.
00:57:39All right, I would like to clarify that is not a field-tested joke.
00:57:54I just took the elements, was like,
00:57:58Checks out.
00:58:09Hey, do you guys think if I die in a freak accident
00:58:21that the media will have the nerve to call it that?
00:58:35I do.
00:58:39Fucking Jekylls.
00:58:44That's a lot of bang for your buck in that little joke right there.
00:58:49I'll tell you this.
00:58:50When I do die, I don't want to be cremated.
00:58:54But I do want my remains to be scattered.
00:59:05Yeah, just run me through a wood chip,
00:59:07but I...
00:59:11He loved this mall.
00:59:17They're never gonna forget him at Build-A-Bear.
00:59:19I will admit that I've been watching a lot of serial killer documentaries.
00:59:38And I think I'm finally ready.
00:59:40My research is complete.
00:59:47Time to get to getting.
00:59:50I figure, uh, you know, start in Colorado.
00:59:55Seems like a real starter state.
00:59:58A lot of mountains and, you know, and people that wouldn't be missed.
01:00:09Not you folks, of course.
01:00:12I'm sure you all got a colorblind racist neighbor or something.
01:00:16You guys remember?
01:00:22You guys remember?
01:00:25From earlier?
01:00:29Just checking.
01:00:30Yeah, uh, you know, me as a serial killer.
01:00:36Yeah, the night stumbler.
01:00:40I'm pretty sure forensics have caught up to my skill level.
01:00:45They're gonna catch on pretty quick.
01:00:46Like, these strangle marks are really weird.
01:00:48And this guy's footprints all over the fucking place.
01:00:50This was all before he got to the victim.
01:00:51And this was all before he got to the victim.
01:00:52And this was all before he got to the victim.
01:00:53They're gonna catch on pretty quick.
01:00:54Like, these strangle marks are really weird.
01:00:58And this guy's footprints all over the fucking place.
01:01:03This was all before he got to the victim.
01:01:16This was all before he got to the victim.
01:01:20The real struggle happened over here.
01:01:25The fuck was he doing?
01:01:30He's gonna try and tie his shoe or something.
01:01:40Are you guys seeing all these dog tracks?
01:01:50What?
01:01:51What's that you're saying?
01:01:52Oh, the victim is another magician?
01:01:57Oh, yeah, and by that chant line, he looks like he's missing a watch.
01:02:13And what do we have here?
01:02:24One bedazzle glove?
01:02:34Hey, burn that for me.
01:02:36I'm trying to frame a guy on share a pair.
01:02:48You get it?
01:02:54Hey, did you know that Botox was originally being invented to help people with cerebral palsy?
01:02:59It's a pretty cool thing, man.
01:03:03They were developing it.
01:03:05They were trying to find a way so that they could inject the muscles so that it wouldn't fucking do that.
01:03:14Well, but then somewhere along the way, they discovered that Botox also makes wrinkles go away.
01:03:28And then they were like, well, fuck cerebral palsy.
01:03:37We could really be helping people.
01:03:42God forbid you had a crow foot.
01:03:47The guy with the twisty arm can wait.
01:03:49I love that joke, man.
01:03:56Because I'm sure you can feel that weird vibe that kind of rolls across the room.
01:04:01What that is, is that's just all the people with Botox trying to frown.
01:04:05I guess all joking aside, what I want to know is, uh, does he look younger?
01:04:30No crow feet on that.
01:04:32All right, I'm gonna tell you this one of the last crazy things that happened to me, uh, over the, over the pandemic.
01:04:40And, uh, this really gets me worked up, man, I'm not gonna lie.
01:04:44This is, uh, more, more, uh, it's just more offensive than the peanut butter thing, but...
01:04:53But it's in a much different way, and it's somehow grosser, but...
01:04:59All right, I'll just, uh, I'll just, I'll just tell you what happened.
01:05:05So, over the quarantine, I ended up needing to get a new business manager,
01:05:10which is like a very important role in a career.
01:05:14But here's the thing, is that we were doing the hiring process over Zoom,
01:05:18which to me is not a way to communicate with other people.
01:05:23It's just not, it's still not personal, and I'm hiring a very important job.
01:05:27Because I feel like if I get to meet you face to face,
01:05:30look at my eyes, shake your hand, I'm a pretty good judge of character.
01:05:34But like on Zoom, I can't even tell if you got pants on or not.
01:05:37That's always my last question of the interview.
01:05:43I'm like, and, uh, can you please stand up?
01:05:49Show me what you're working with.
01:05:57And if you're in a wheelchair, just scoot in the frame.
01:06:00I'm an equal opportunity employer.
01:06:10Wouldn't that be funny if I wasn't, though?
01:06:17Like, fuck these blind people.
01:06:22Non-seeing motherfuckers!
01:06:25Go ahead and laugh, they can't see you.
01:06:35Anyway, I hired this guy.
01:06:37I thought he was the right guy for the job.
01:06:40And to tell the truth, he was doing great.
01:06:42Numbers look good.
01:06:44Operations running smooth.
01:06:47So then, remember when the pandemic finally broke enough
01:06:51that we could start going out to restaurants?
01:06:52I was like, all right, let me take this guy, uh, to lunch
01:06:57and meet him in person.
01:06:59Now at lunch,
01:07:01he orders
01:07:03a sub sandwich.
01:07:05And you know when you get your sub,
01:07:08there's the cut end,
01:07:10and then there's the heel end.
01:07:14He fucking ate it from the heel end!
01:07:17God!
01:07:18Ugh!
01:07:35What kind of fucking animal?
01:07:37Eats it from the heel end!
01:07:42I had never seen no shit like that!
01:07:46I fired him on the spot!
01:07:49I was like, we are done here, you psycho!
01:07:52You're changing passwords!
01:07:54Seriously, how about the show of hands right now?
01:07:57You ever seen anybody do that?
01:07:59No, because it's not a fucking thing that you do!
01:08:02Oh, yeah.
01:08:04Now you want to be a member of our society?
01:08:05Get the fuck out of here!
01:08:06A chinchilla knows better than that!
01:08:18Look, I know that our country is very politically divided right now,
01:08:27but I am all pretty sure we can come together on this!
01:08:32And don't eat the heel end,
01:08:36and then burp your buddy.
01:08:37Oh, you know who does eat it from the heel end?
01:08:48Fucking magicians!
01:08:52You guys are awesome, thank you so much!
01:08:54Thank you so much!
01:08:55Thank you so much!
01:08:56Thank you so much!
01:09:24Thank you so much!
01:09:27Where do you write your material?
01:09:30This is it, bud!
01:09:34I really write...
01:09:35I mean, I don't ever write anything down.
01:09:36I'm really serious.
01:09:37I don't...
01:09:39I always said this.
01:09:40If I ever put, like, a little bit of effort into this...
01:09:47I could be really fucking good.
01:09:55I just don't care.
01:09:59Yeah, one left.
01:10:00Make it good!
01:10:05Do you know any magic trick?
01:10:06Yeah, go fuck it!
01:10:24You know it's okay for a cripple to beat up a woman, right?
01:10:47You know it's okay.
01:10:48Go fuck it!
01:10:49Gof.
01:10:50Gof.
01:10:51Gof.
01:10:52Gof.
01:10:54Gof.
01:10:55Gof.
01:10:57Gof.
01:10:58Gof.
01:11:00Gof.