- 8 months ago
Frasier Season 2 Episode 4 Flour Child
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00:00It's not that I don't like him, Dr. Crane.
00:04It's just that he's gotten so attached.
00:07I mean, roses every day for a week after two dates.
00:11Maggie, first thing you have to do is sit Gavin down for a nice long conversation.
00:21And if Frank and honest discussion tell him that though he wants to go at one speed, you need to go at another.
00:30Tell him you're not rejecting him, that you are fond of him.
00:34But if he doesn't give you some breathing room, you know, suddenly I wonder what Roz, my non-PhD holding producer, thinks you should do.
00:44Well, I just think that any guy who's that clingy after two dates has a major insecurity problem.
00:51I say dump him now, head for the hills and don't look back.
00:55It's so good to hear that, Roz.
00:57That's what I wanted to do, but I felt so guilty.
01:03Thanks so much. Bye.
01:09And that takes us to commercial.
01:11This, for those of you who may have forgotten, is the Dr. Fraser Crane Show.
01:16Now, here's your new parking pass.
01:22I confirmed your dinner reservations for three.
01:24At your father's request, you'll be dining at Shea Shrimp.
01:27Here are two letters that you've got to sign, a card for Clarence and the guard that we're all signing, and a notice about sign-ups for the KACL bowling team.
01:38I'll just file this right in the trash.
01:41Oh, wonderful.
01:43Another card.
01:45Of course, I, as resident wit here, will have to think of something clever to say.
01:49Well, at least I've got another Gala KACL birthday bash to look forward to.
01:55I can just taste that frozen Sarah Lee cake right now.
01:58Here's a wild applause as a full-grown adult snuffs out a handful of tiny candles.
02:05What are you grousing about?
02:09Oh, nothing, nothing.
02:17Yes, the pageantry never stops.
02:27Mr. Fancy Pants.
02:30He's got to buy a German car.
02:33It's not my fault we broke down.
02:35If you bought a American, they wouldn't have to tow your car halfway across the state to get it fixed.
02:40That's why I always buy a American.
02:42You break down, you just drive to the nearest garage.
02:45I could break down all alone in the middle of Alaska.
02:49Finally, I thought to raise all our spirits.
02:54This traffic is murder.
02:56I'd suggest we walk home, but I'm afraid what the humidity will do to these loafers.
03:01Does calfskin pucker?
03:02Yes, not.
03:05That's why on humid farms, the calf is the most made fun of of all the animals.
03:14There's no point in being snide.
03:17We're all going to be in here for a while.
03:19We might as well try and make pleasant conversation.
03:21We are a family, after all.
03:23It shouldn't be that hard.
03:32So, have you been driving long?
03:35Not really.
03:37Thought you got some pretty good stories, though.
03:39You guys ever hear of a woman having a baby in a cab?
03:42Oh, yeah.
03:43It's a classic.
03:44We've all heard that one.
03:45Why, did that happen in this cab?
03:47No.
03:48I think it's about to.
03:50You're pregnant?
03:51Yes.
03:52Ow!
03:53Oh, well, don't panic, miss.
03:55It may just be false labor.
03:56Ah, my water just broke.
03:58Ah, I'm sitting here in a puddle of water.
04:01Capskin!
04:02Capskin!
04:03I think the closest hospital is First Methodist.
04:08Oh, we'll never make it in this traffic.
04:10Miss, you'd better pull over.
04:12And please, try to park facing downhill.
04:14Niles!
04:15I can't have my baby here.
04:18All right.
04:18Now, listen, miss.
04:19There's no need for you to be concerned.
04:21You happen to be in the presence of two trained medical professionals.
04:24Niles, help the woman.
04:28Harry!
04:28I know, I know.
04:29I know.
04:29Hello, is anybody there?
04:42Come in.
04:43All right.
04:44All right.
04:44Now, the most important thing you can do right now is breathe deeply.
04:48Just do as I do.
04:53Are you feeling faint or short of breath?
04:55Yes, both of those.
04:56Hello, go ahead.
05:01Yeah, I'm calling from cab number 804.
05:06This is an emergency.
05:08Your driver, Arlene, just went into labor.
05:11We're at the corner of 14th and Sycamore.
05:14We need an ambulance here right now.
05:16Do you hear me?
05:17Over.
05:17Yes, I'll get right on.
05:19Ah, it really hurts.
05:20That's okay.
05:21It's natural.
05:21No, you're squeezing my hand.
05:24Oh, get a hold of yourself, Niles.
05:26I'm sorry.
05:27I only did this once before in medical school, and all I remember is a bright light and lots
05:32of blood and then a linoleum floor hurtling toward my forehead.
05:36You fainted?
05:38Oh, switch places with me, honey, and see how you do.
05:40Oh, good God.
05:41No, thank you.
05:42That's not bad.
05:43I'll do this.
05:44Oh.
05:45Huh?
05:46Oh, the baby's really coming?
05:48Oh, I feel it.
05:50That's a good thing.
05:50When he does come, I'll be here to catch him.
05:52Now, listen.
05:54Just continue with your breathing.
05:59Now, I don't want you feeling guilty for having your baby in a cab.
06:04No, there's nothing to be ashamed of.
06:06I'm sure many great Americans have been born this way.
06:10Cab Calloway comes to mind.
06:11You know, my particular area of medicine is psychiatry.
06:18I like to specialize in the head, you know, not the lower portion of the body.
06:22It's much less messy that way.
06:24Not that your lower portion is messy at all.
06:27It's quite beautiful, actually.
06:28Not that I'm looking.
06:29Is the pain that bad?
06:32No, you're driving me crazy.
06:36Don't drive me crazy.
06:38Move it out.
06:39All right, come on.
06:40All right.
06:41Just hurry.
06:42What, are you a doctor to?
06:43No, I'm a retired cop.
06:45Well, what took you so long?
06:47Oh, it's really hurting.
06:49I know.
06:50Look, everything's going to be just fine, sweetheart.
06:52Now, I've delivered more than a few babies in my lifetime, and some of them are even older
06:58than you are now.
06:59Now, Frazier's going to hold your hand and help you with your breathing, and Niles is
07:03going to look out for an ambulance, and I'm going to get ready to bring your beautiful
07:07baby into this world, okay?
07:10Okay.
07:10Good.
07:11Now, are there any questions?
07:12Yes.
07:12Should our meter still be running?
07:14Whatever.
07:15Why?
07:20Hello?
07:20Hello?
07:20Are you back yet?
07:38Well, go on.
07:40Turn your heads.
07:41Okay.
07:55So, I guess you've had some excitement tonight.
07:59No, I haven't.
07:59And your father sure made it sound exciting on the phone, delivering a baby in a taxi.
08:11Oh, that.
08:12I don't think of that as excitement as much as my sworn duty to use those skills I honed
08:17in medical school.
08:18Yes, Niles ran down to a falafel stand for a pot of hot water.
08:21What I can't get over is that feeling of being there right when a person's life begins.
08:31One minute, it's just this blob in some lady's stomach.
08:35Next minute, it's a person.
08:37Blob.
08:38Person.
08:39Miracle of birth sound up in one poetic phrase.
08:47And I'll bet you have some fond memories of when your son was born.
08:51Oh, yes, of course.
08:54I remember the very first time I held him in my arms as a newborn.
08:58It was as if everything else in the universe simply melted away.
09:03There was just a father, a son, and the distant sound of Lilith saying,
09:10If you ever come near me again, Frasier, I'll drop you with a deer rifle.
09:18At least nowadays, fathers get to see their sons be born.
09:22In my day, they stuck us all in the waiting room, smoking cigarettes and reading Life magazine.
09:29I can still remember the exact article I was reading when Niles was born.
09:34It was about Mickey Mantle.
09:38Talk about life setting you up for a fall.
09:44Well, it's been a long night.
09:46I'm turning in.
09:48Hi, Dad.
09:48I can't wait to see what kind of dreams I have after all this talk about childbearing.
09:55Probably that one where me mother shows up and says,
09:58Well, Daphne, you're 50 now and you've never given me grandchildren.
10:04So I say that was my choice to make, Mum.
10:07I was thinking of my career.
10:09Oh, sure, your career.
10:11But did you ever think of me?
10:13Mother, I don't want to start this again.
10:16Just drop it.
10:17Oh, but will she drop it?
10:20Oh, shut up, Mother.
10:21Don't you?
10:22That's your advice with me.
10:24You're winning me much.
10:27I wonder how many more people she's got in there with her.
10:29Sherry, Niles?
10:40Uh, no, thank you.
10:42You seem awfully reflective.
10:43Is there something on your mind?
10:46Actually, yes.
10:48For the past several months, I've noticed my thoughts often drifting to the same subject.
10:53Will I ever be a father?
10:56Ah.
10:57There are pros and cons, of course, but watching that child's birth tonight, I realized it's something I really want.
11:05I think.
11:09Well, it's perfectly natural to have parental stirrings at your age.
11:13Oh, no, no, this is more than stirrings.
11:14I wake up nights thinking about it.
11:17Have you talked this over with Maris?
11:19Not yet.
11:20I like to know what I want before Maris tells me.
11:23I'm just not sure I'm really ready for fatherhood.
11:33Well, Niles, no one is ever really sure.
11:36You know, in schools these days, teenagers who are thinking about becoming parents are given a ten-pound sack of flour to keep with them for a week, as though it were a baby.
11:46You're kidding.
11:48No, no, no.
11:48They hold it.
11:49They care for it.
11:50Never let it out of their sight.
11:52It gives them a very good idea of the constant responsibility of being a parent.
11:57Hmm.
11:58It's very clever.
11:59What could be better than hands-on experience?
12:02Might be worth a try.
12:03Well, I wasn't actually suggesting it.
12:05Well, why not?
12:05This is the perfect week.
12:06Maris is away.
12:07I'm desperate to resolve the issue.
12:09Frasier, where do you keep the flour?
12:14In the kitchen.
12:15In the kitchen.
12:17The cabinet next to the sink.
12:20Yes, here it is.
12:22Extra refined.
12:25He's taking after his old man already.
12:30So nice.
12:31That's the sugar.
12:32If we're going to do this, we're going to do it right.
12:34Now, here is the flour.
12:37Hmm.
12:38Bleached.
12:39100% fat-free.
12:41Best when kept in an airtight container.
12:45Seems this one's taking after his mother.
12:47Oh, hello, Niles.
13:03Hello, Frasier.
13:04May I join you?
13:05Or should I say, may we?
13:09May we?
13:09So you're still continuing with our little baby experiment?
13:15Yes.
13:16And it's turned out to be quite a learning experience.
13:20Not easy, though.
13:21I take him everywhere.
13:24Get up for 2 a.m. feedings.
13:25The whole exhausting nine yards.
13:27What a beautiful baby.
13:31How old is he?
13:32Eight weeks.
13:33Oh, great age, isn't it?
13:35Mm-hmm.
13:35Mm-hmm.
13:36Mm-hmm.
13:44Niles?
13:44Mm-hmm?
13:45I can't help noticing that your child has a little boo-boo.
13:51Oh, it's nothing.
13:52I was playing him some Brahms the other day, never too early to ingrain them.
13:59I guess I must have begun conducting with one of the gilded chopsticks Maris wears in her
14:03bun, and I accidentally ran him through.
14:08What young parent doesn't tell that story?
14:11Oh, no, no, no.
14:15The scuffs were just plain carelessness.
14:19It was the fault of my new husband, Guy.
14:22What did Guy do?
14:23No, no, it's in Guy.
14:25Guy.
14:26With the back of the throat, in Guy.
14:29Oh, who cares?
14:30What did he do?
14:33Well, he had just given my car the most brilliant shine when I set the baby on the roof, and
14:37down it went, down the windshield, and onto the driveway.
14:43Won't you watch him for me while I ordered?
14:45Hey, Frayge.
14:51Is this seat taken?
14:53Well, actually...
14:54No.
15:01Well, you'll be happy to know that Clarence is doing a lot better.
15:05I just dropped his card off.
15:06Clarence?
15:07Yeah, Clarence, the guard.
15:09Oh, down at the station, Clarence.
15:11Oh, yes.
15:12Well, that's good.
15:13I didn't know he was sick.
15:14You signed his Get Well card.
15:18You know, it wasn't a birthday card?
15:19No, he's in the hospital having a kidney transplant.
15:25Oh, my God.
15:28I thought it was his birthday.
15:30I wrote, dear Clarence, you're not getting older.
15:32You're just getting a little closer to death.
15:34Well, how did you think it was his birthday?
15:42Well, I don't know.
15:43I guess I just didn't recognize the traditional card for a man in an advanced stage of kidney
15:48failure, a giant pink bunny rabbit.
15:50Do you think he's read it yet?
15:54No, I don't think so.
15:55He was sleeping when I left.
15:56God, I'm going to look like a callous fool.
15:58We've got to get back down there and get that card, man.
16:01How can you be leaving?
16:03I asked you to babysit.
16:05Oh, my God.
16:06I don't have time to stand here and listen to your insanity.
16:10I have to go steal a Get Well card from a kidney patient.
16:12What does that say?
16:20Geb?
16:22No, no, it's Get.
16:23Get Well soon.
16:24Love, Andrea.
16:26All right, just copy it down.
16:27Move on to the next name.
16:30I have to transfer all the old names from this card on to the new card as quickly as possible.
16:36I want to get it back there tonight.
16:37So you actually snuck into a man's hospital room and stole his card?
16:42I did not sneak in.
16:44Luckily, the man was in extreme pain and heavily sedated.
16:49This never would have happened if you'd taken the time to find out who this Clarence guy was.
16:53You never pay any attention to the little people in your life.
16:57Yes, well, as soon as we're done with this, why don't we invite all the commoners over
17:00to drag me down to the town square and give me a good stoning?
17:03It must be Niles.
17:07He's going to take me down to the hospital.
17:12Hello, Niles.
17:13Hello, Niles.
17:13Hello, Niles.
17:25Hello, Niles.
17:26What are you doing with that thing?
17:31I'm forging a parent-child bond that will last forever.
17:36Oh, that's a relief.
17:37I was afraid it might be something stupid.
17:43If it makes you feel any better, I don't wear this in public.
17:46I just wanted to get the complete picture of parenthood.
17:49And it's driving me batty.
17:51The feedings, every two hours, constant monitoring where he is.
18:04I can see how parents can be obsessed with worry.
18:07Last night, I actually had a dream.
18:10My flower sack was abducted and the kidnapper started sending me muffins in the mail.
18:14Well, on the plus side, I've learned a lot.
18:29And I think if I ever am to go through the real thing, I'll make quite a wonderful parent mask.
18:33Niles, what has happened to your child?
18:44I was practicing my Tai Chi exercises this morning and I accidentally kicked him into the reflecting pool.
18:53That's when I brought him inside and left him by the hearth to dry.
18:56He caught on fire?
19:05It was not as careless as you make it seem.
19:08After all, a real child would have cried before it burst into flames.
19:23Time for a snap.
19:26Turn him over if he starts fussing, will you, Dad?
19:30No.
19:34I'm role-playing, Dad.
19:36Try playing the role of a sane person.
19:48So, Niles, any closer to making a decision about fatherhood?
19:53To tell you the truth, no.
19:54One minute, I think there's no chance in hell I'll ever be able to stand the stress.
19:59The next, I find myself daydreaming about taking my son on his first trip to the museum
20:04or listening to him pick out his first feeble fur-release on the piano
20:08and I swear there are tears in my eyes.
20:10Oh, dear.
20:22What?
20:23Eddie.
20:24That dingo's got your baby.
20:29Oh, God!
20:31Eddie!
20:32Dad!
20:32Get...
20:33Oh, don't worry.
20:35I'll clean up that mess, Dr. Crane.
20:37Oh, my God.
20:39Thank God's sake, Niles.
20:40Calm down.
20:42Look, I think it's time you realize something.
20:44That is not a person.
20:46It's a bag of flour.
20:49There's an easy trick to tell the difference.
20:52People don't usually come with pop-over recipes on their backs.
20:57This whole thing's stupid.
20:58We're talking about having a baby here.
21:02You don't make that decision intellectually.
21:04You make it in here, in your gut.
21:07You must have a gut feeling, Niles.
21:10What is it?
21:11I'm not sure.
21:12Well, you better be.
21:13Because no amount of thinking can prepare you for what having a kid is really like.
21:18It's hard.
21:19Full of surprises.
21:21Like, maybe your kid won't want to take piano lessons or go to the museum.
21:26He might want to go to a baseball game.
21:28Don't even say that.
21:32Just trust yourself, son.
21:35That's all.
21:36You'll know if it's right or not.
21:41Well, Niles, I'm finished with this now.
21:43If you're ready to take me to the hospital.
21:44You know, Frasier, I'm beginning to wonder if this whole experiment wasn't just a way of convincing myself I'm ready for something when I know in my heart I'm not.
21:57What do you mean?
22:00I want to have a baby.
22:03But I just don't want it enough.
22:09Oh.
22:11That's the hardest thing I've ever had to admit.
22:14Why do you say that?
22:16Oh, because it's so selfish.
22:20I'm the right age.
22:21I have the money, the energy.
22:24Niles, it's only selfish when people have babies for the wrong reasons.
22:29I think more people should do what you did and find out if they're really ready.
22:34Look, anyway, you know, just because you feel this way now doesn't mean that things can't change a few years down the line.
22:42Perhaps you're right.
22:44Of course, Maris and I will be over 40 then.
22:49Maybe it wouldn't hurt to look into getting some of her eggs frozen.
22:55Oh, I suspect they're only a few degrees away from that now.
23:05Certainly going into a lot of trouble for this Clarence fellow.
23:08Who is he?
23:09Beats me.
23:09Some guy down at the stage.
23:10Dr. Crane!
23:41It's Clarence.
23:44You weren't in there looking for me, were you?
23:47As a matter of fact, I was, yes.
23:48Well, they changed my room.
23:50Oh, this is so sweet of you.
23:54Well, you know, Clarence is such a fixture down at the station.
23:58It just hasn't felt the same there without him.
24:00You find the time to come down here while the rest of those bums at the station don't even send me a card.
24:08Actually, Clarence, there's an explanation for that.
24:16You see, the others at the station, they just don't know you the way I do.
24:31Oh, yes.
24:32Well, listen, you get yourself well and get right back there, okay?
24:37I miss seeing you every time I walk by the place you tend to be.
24:44Niles!
24:49Niles!
24:53Niles!
24:54What are you doing?
24:56Looking at these babies.
24:58I can't help wondering if I made the right decision.
25:02Niles.
25:03Well, look at them.
25:04Frasier, they're healthy, beautiful, lovable.
25:08Flammable.
25:13How can I deny myself this experience?
25:15Maybe I'm more ready for parenthood than I thought.
25:18Hey, what are you guys doing here?
25:22Oh, I mean, I'm fully running into you, and this must be?
25:25Yes, little Nathan.
25:27Oh, no.
25:28Oh, look.
25:30Oh, I'm so glad I ran into you.
25:31We both want to thank you guys again.
25:36So, would one of you like to hold him?
25:41Yes, I would.
25:48Oh, that's beautiful.
25:50Oh, yes.
25:53Yes, why shouldn't you cry?
25:57Everything's so new to you.
25:58Oh, so much night to live.
26:03No, you got his leg good.
26:05Oh, God.
26:09Oh, well, see you guys.
26:13Say hi to your dad for me.
26:16Perhaps I made the right decision.
26:19Oh, I'd say so, yes.
26:21You ready to go, Nile?
26:21Uh-huh.
26:22Dr. Robinson, you're needed an emergency salad.
26:25Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling.
26:39Tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:43Mercy.
26:45And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:48Well, maybe.
26:48But I got you pegged.
26:51Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:53But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
27:00They're calling again.
27:04Good night.
27:05Good night.
27:27Bye.
27:28Bye.
27:29Bye.
27:30Bye.
27:31Bye.
27:32Bye.
27:33Bye.
27:33Bye.
27:34Bye.
27:34Bye.
27:34Bye.
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