- 9 months ago
Frasier Season 5 Episode 5 The 1000th Show
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TVTranscript
00:00Hey, how you doing, Doc? The usual. Please. I'll have my usual, too.
00:06And that would be...
00:08Oh, come on, I come in here every day. You must remember, my usual is a half-calf cappuccino
00:19with a light dusting of cinnamon.
00:26Got it.
00:29God, that's infuriating.
00:30Oh, dear.
00:31Well, I come in here every bit as often as you do.
00:34Don't take it to heart, Niles. This person just happens to remember me best.
00:38The next person might just as easily...
00:39Oh, my God, you're Frasier Crane. Could I bother you for an autograph?
00:45No, you can't. It's never a bother.
00:48I love your show.
00:50Oh, thank you.
00:51I just think you're like the smartest guy on the face of the earth.
00:54Well, one does hear tales of a certain wise man in Tibet, but why split hairs?
00:59There you are.
01:00Thanks.
01:02Where was I?
01:04You were last seen hiking up Mount Ego.
01:10I've not already been laughing about this all morning.
01:14Well, it's a stupid rule, and it's always we foreigners who suffer for it.
01:18Take another drive on the wrong side of the road today, did we?
01:20No.
01:23It's about my friend Xena.
01:25Oh, you don't want to hear about it.
01:28Oh, well.
01:28Hey, dear.
01:30Xena, isn't she the Greek woman?
01:32Yeah, we've been planning a trip together.
01:34You see, her mother's taking a luxury cruise, and her ship will be docked in Mazatland for a week.
01:39She's invited us down to join her, only I can't go because my bloody passport's expired.
01:45Well, don't give up, Hope.
01:47One way or another, we'll get you across that border.
01:49If I have to, I'll snuggle you under an old blanket.
01:54Do what you mean, smuggle?
01:56I'm using code language.
01:57You can't be too careful.
02:01There you go, Doc.
02:03Anything for you, ma'am?
02:04Oh, thanks.
02:05I've already ordered.
02:06Oh, I'm sorry.
02:08You had the, uh...
02:09Absent-minded waiter.
02:10I'll get it myself.
02:11Oh, Roscold, uh, she wanted me to remind you about your meeting with the station manager.
02:23Ah, yes, there.
02:24He probably wants to discuss my 1,000th radio broadcast that's coming up next week.
02:29You've done 1,000 shows?
02:31Yes, yes, and I know the station manager who'll want to mark the occasion with some sort of gaudy celebration.
02:37Press parties, God knows what.
02:39No, I've never been the kind of going for that sort of self-congratulatory hoopla.
02:44Work is a thing for me.
02:46But still, 1,000 shows, that's quite an achievement.
02:49Yeah, I suppose.
02:51Who'd have thought?
02:52Not me.
02:53That's for damn sure.
02:56Yeah, those first two weeks, P.U.
02:59Open a window.
03:00All right.
03:06Hey, morning, rides.
03:06Morning, Bulldog.
03:07Uh, oh, my gosh.
03:11Look what Frazier got for me.
03:14He's so cute.
03:16Dear Ros, a huggy bear for the mom-to-be.
03:20Love, Bulldog?
03:23I, uh, guess I should have known you'd think it was from Frazier.
03:26Oh, I'm so sorry, Bulldog.
03:28No, no, no, it's okay.
03:29I know I'm not the warmest guy in the world, but when it comes to kids, I get kind of, well, you know.
03:35Oh, Bulldog, come here.
03:38Come here.
03:40Oh.
03:40Oh, you're going to make a good mother, Roz.
03:49Thank you, Bulldog.
03:51That's so sweet.
03:57Bulldog?
03:59Huh?
03:59Oh, get off me!
04:02What?
04:03You just wanted to hug me because my breasts are getting bigger.
04:06Oh, no, I was just trying to get close enough to feel a little kick.
04:09Ow, ow.
04:11Get out!
04:13Herbert!
04:17Morning, Roz.
04:18I got you one of those little muffins that you love.
04:21I'm not getting a hug.
04:25I want to see those mood swings have leveled off nicely.
04:28Oh, good.
04:29I'll just run upstairs and have that little meeting with Greg in his office.
04:32Oh, wait.
04:33It's been canceled.
04:34He wanted to talk to you about your thousandth show, but I ran into him and I handled it.
04:38All right.
04:40Let me have it.
04:42What kind of a circus am I in for?
04:44Well, I suppose a garish outdoor rally like the one they gave for Bob and Nipsey over at KTLK.
04:52I told him just what you said about how the work is its own reward.
04:57So you're off the hook.
04:59They're not doing anything.
05:01Nope.
05:04Well.
05:05Well done, Roz.
05:07That's a relief.
05:12Although...
05:13I, uh...
05:14I'm not sure I'm being quite fair to you, you see.
05:18I did hear that after that rally, Bob and Nipsey's ratings went up 30%.
05:23The producer got a handsome raise.
05:26Oh, yeah.
05:26Yes, and you with the little one coming.
05:29Well, it's too late now.
05:31Right.
05:32Can't be helped.
05:34Best to just leave it alone.
05:36Still, there is the benefit to the station.
05:41What's good for KTL is good for all of us, isn't it?
05:44Yeah, that's true.
05:45Well, you know, I suppose you could just give Greg a call and tell him I'd be willing, well, for your sake and the stations to submit to a small, tasteful, low-key public rally.
05:59I just want to renew my passport.
06:07No, I'm a resident alien here from England.
06:13You know, the country that used to own you people.
06:18You're right to the head of the line now.
06:20I can't wait two weeks.
06:24My friend Zena's flying down to meet her mum's ship Sunday.
06:29Don't you put me on hold again.
06:32I'll hang up.
06:33I mean it.
06:35I showed him.
06:36Well, it's official.
06:44My thousandth show is now an event.
06:48What's going on?
06:49Oh, nothing short of a media circus with, you know who, in the century, planning a promotional blitzkrieg capped off by a public rally in my honour at the foot of the space needle.
07:03Wow, that's great.
07:05You must be thrilled.
07:06Well, of course, I'm flattered.
07:09It's just a little bit embarrassed, Dad.
07:11I'd have been content with a pat on the back and an ice cream cake.
07:17Oh, Dad, they've asked if you might say a few words at the rally.
07:21You don't have to.
07:22It makes you nervous.
07:23Oh, no problem.
07:25Yeah, I can't tell you how many retirement dinners I've spoken at.
07:29I think I've still got my old joke work.
07:31One thousand and one side splitters, rib ticklers, and thigh slappers.
07:37I'm sure you're a veritable chiropractor of mirth.
07:41I think what they're looking for is something just a bit more personal.
07:47Hello?
07:49All right, Ross, Ross, slow down.
07:52Oh, good Lord, the mayor?
07:59Well, has Frasier fever swept all the way to City Hall?
08:06Well, all right, Ross, I'll see you tomorrow.
08:09The mayor's going to be there?
08:13Yes, and not just be there.
08:15He's going to present me with a key to the city,
08:17and after which he's going to proclaim it Frasier Crane Day in Seattle.
08:22Way to go, kid!
08:24Oh, who can this be?
08:26Some mechanic from the Vatican with my popemobile?
08:35Niles!
08:36Frasier, dinner's on me.
08:38I got some very good news today.
08:40What a coincidence.
08:42Your brother just got some good news, too.
08:44Not so good as mine, I suspect.
08:46But first of all, I have to apologize for being so snippy this morning.
08:49I've been feeling a bit eclipsed lately,
08:51but all that vanished when I reached my office
08:54for what was waiting on my desk but a gift
08:56from the self-esteem fairy.
09:02The American Journal of Psychiatry.
09:05Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
09:07I refer you to the letters page, third one down.
09:12Dear sirs, Dr. Egmont Sanderling's recent article on trichotillomania
09:17contained several errors.
09:19He would do well to read the groundbreaking work on the subject
09:23published by, among others, Dr. Alan Caldwell, Dr. Milo Lauterstein...
09:27Skip to the end.
09:28...to start.
09:31Oh, Dr. Geraldine Fennelly and Dr. Niles Crane.
09:35Oh, ho, ho!
09:38Not too shabby, eh?
09:42It's quite an accolade, Niles.
09:44Yes, I had no idea you were such a well-known expert
09:48on the, the, the thing that the letter mentioned.
09:53And the way they saved you for last, so you really stand out.
09:59Nothing to kick away the clouds like a heady sip from the goblet of fame.
10:05Which reminds me, I told Jean-Claude to start my victory martini shaking
10:09at precisely eight o'clock.
10:10Off we go, then.
10:12Oh, wait!
10:13Uh, you had some news yourself.
10:15Do tell.
10:15Oh, well, let's just wait for that martini, shall we?
10:18Happy Frasier Crane Day!
10:34Or is it Merry Frasier Crane Day?
10:36I can never remember.
10:36Very amusing.
10:41I'll have a half-calf cappuccino.
10:44Sorry I'm late.
10:45I stopped halfway to listen to a jolly band of Frasier Crane Day carolers.
10:54I tried to join in on the 12 days of Frasier, but, uh...
10:57Forgot the words around day seven.
11:03How does it go again?
11:06I believe it's seven snobs of sniping.
11:12If you just snipe away, take your jealousy as the compliment.
11:15It is.
11:16Oh, now, if I indulge in a little affectionate joshing, it doesn't mean I'm jealous.
11:20I'm nothing but happy for you.
11:22Oh, thank you, Niles.
11:25You know, I'm just a touch skittish today.
11:27All this fuss over me.
11:29Oh, say, is it possible to get these two to go?
11:33To go?
11:34We're not due at the Space Needle for an hour.
11:36Yes, well, I...
11:37I thought a walk might do us some good.
11:39Get a little exercise.
11:41Then maybe I can stroll away my jitters.
11:44Well, all right.
11:44I could use the fresh air.
11:46I'm feeling a tad sluggish.
11:47Oh, up late last night?
11:49Well, I'm afraid so.
11:50As usual, I left it at the last minute to write all my Frasier Crane Day cards.
11:54What a lovely day.
12:08I'm so glad we decided to walk.
12:11Feel calmer already.
12:12Hey, Doc, way to go.
12:14Oh, I'm listening.
12:16Oh, I just hope Dad doesn't get too nervous about his speech today.
12:23I've been giving you little tips all week.
12:26Oh, really?
12:26As Daphne tells it, you wrote the whole thing for it.
12:29Oh, I didn't know such thing.
12:30I added a bon moe or two.
12:32I did up for the language.
12:34Removed any questionable material.
12:36There's no word of his left, is there?
12:38Not a comma.
12:39I'm listening.
12:43Here's a tip for you.
12:45The ones with cameras are tourists.
12:46They have no idea who you are, much less why you're listening.
12:50Oh, Niles, don't be so churlish.
12:52The man clearly waved to me first.
12:54He didn't wave at you.
12:55He certainly did.
12:56He was probably waving.
12:57I didn't see why you're even objectively about this.
12:58He was waving for a cab to get away from the scary listening man.
13:02Oh, I love this place.
13:09Here you can feel the pulse of the city.
13:14You know what I think when I see all these people here bustling about?
13:19Low turnout over at Frasier Crane Day?
13:23No.
13:26I think that they're the reason I love this city.
13:31Stop waving.
13:32What?
13:33There's nothing wrong with being friendly.
13:35Well, there is a difference between being friendly and making a public spectacle.
13:39of yourself.
13:40No!
13:42Did you see that?
13:43That man tried to assault me with a fish.
13:45Good Lord, Niles.
13:46Get a grip.
13:48For God's sake, you become hysterical over the littlest things.
13:52My God!
13:53My suede shoes.
13:54You spilled latte all over them.
13:55They're ruined.
13:56I'm sorry, but it was a half-caf cappuccino.
14:00Why can no one remember that?
14:03Well, I'll just have to replace them.
14:06I'll look foolish to them.
14:07I never in my life have I heard such caterwauling over a pair of shoes.
14:12Have you know I spent a bundle on these shoes?
14:14They're Joan and David.
14:15You named them?
14:16Oh, shut up!
14:20Well, these are quite handsome.
14:23Even if they are just a bit snug.
14:25You can always go back.
14:27I think there's a pair in there you didn't try on.
14:29Not since we weren't in there that long.
14:32Oh, God.
14:33The rally's about to start.
14:35Give me your phone.
14:36I'll call Roz.
14:37There you go.
14:46Hello?
14:48Frasier, do you know what time it is?
14:51Where the hell are you?
14:52We're on the air in two minutes.
14:55I'm sorry I was involved in a small accident.
14:59I'm fine.
15:01Just start without me.
15:02We'll take a cab.
15:04We'll have better luck at the corner.
15:06Right.
15:07Oh, Niners, wait.
15:09Too many fans, that way I'll be mobbed.
15:12Better off cutting over one block through that alley.
15:18Frasier's running late, so I've got to use you first.
15:21Okay, Martin?
15:21Oh, yeah, sure, okay.
15:24Jeez, I was hoping for a little more time.
15:27I haven't even looked at the stuff Frasier wrote for me.
15:30Good afternoon, everyone, and welcome also to our radio listeners.
15:34I'm Roz Doyle, and I'd like to thank you all for helping us congratulate Dr. Frasier Crane.
15:46We've got a full program for you today.
15:49Stop worrying.
15:50Dr. Crane's a very good writer.
15:52Well, look at this.
15:53I'm going to die up there with this crap.
15:56Unfortunately, our guest of honor has been detained, but we do have the next best thing, his dad, Martin Crane.
16:04Thank you, Roz.
16:12Good afternoon.
16:15Twenty-two years ago, my son Frasier came to me and asked if I would put him through medical school.
16:24I agreed to pay for it, but remarked, I should have my head examined.
16:30Frasier replied, give me eight years, and I'll do it for you.
16:40It was a hard eight years for Frasier, but as someone once quipped, a good psychiatrist never shrinks from a challenge.
16:51Oh, jeez.
17:04Oh, for God's sake, Niles, we had come out of there.
17:08Our mugger specifically instructed us to wait for five minutes.
17:12Yes.
17:12But if he'd intended us to time it exactly, he wouldn't have taken our watches.
17:16All right, all right, calm down.
17:21I see you're new to this whole mugging thing.
17:23Just can't believe I'm missing my own rally.
17:25Come on.
17:26The shoes are killing me.
17:27They feel like the work of a skilled tiny footbiter.
17:33Niles, give me a phone.
17:34I'll have Roz send us a car.
17:36My phone?
17:37What do you think the mugger was reaching into my breast pocket for?
17:40Only consolation is he jabbed himself on my emergency sewing kit.
17:43I'll pay a phone.
17:48It's not much use to us unless we can find a quarter.
17:57Where else?
17:59Look.
18:01You cannot be serious.
18:03You want to rob that poor old man?
18:04We'll pay him back later.
18:06Frasier, he's blind.
18:07I know.
18:08It's the first break we've had today.
18:10I'll distract him.
18:13Frasier Crane for his friendship.
18:16Good afternoon.
18:17Ha, ha, ha.
18:20Hello.
18:22Sounding lovely.
18:28Stop!
18:29Steve!
18:30You're going wrong!
18:31I'd like to thank Frasier Crane for his friendship.
18:42Excuse me.
18:44Mayor Rice?
18:46Yes.
18:47I have a small bone to pick with you.
18:49I can't say I care for the way your city treats us poor aliens.
18:53Uh, you're an alien.
18:54Yes, Daphne Moon.
18:56You see, my friend Zena and I, she's an alien too.
19:00We're trying to get down to Mazitland to rendezvous with her mother's ship.
19:04Her mother's ship?
19:05Yes, and from what I hear, it's quite spectacular.
19:08I'm sure it is.
19:10Why don't you go with these two gentlemen?
19:12I'm sure they can take care of you.
19:14Well, thank you very much.
19:16Hello.
19:17Do you two work for the mayor?
19:19Of course.
19:20Well, I suppose I should know that already, you see.
19:23I'm a bit psychic.
19:24Oh, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, I'll stop now, I'll stop now.
19:30Oh, I can't go out any longer.
19:33My feet are killing me.
19:35We lost them.
19:36Most of them dropped out after the first corner.
19:39But that short one with the pigtails was a regular gazelle.
19:42Yes.
19:44Look.
19:46It's even farther away than it was before.
19:49There's the monorail.
19:51It goes to the space people.
19:54Let's go!
20:01Welcome to the Seattle monorail.
20:04Do you think anyone saw us sneaking on?
20:07No, I think we're all right.
20:09I hate to say it, but it was sort of exciting,
20:12flouting the law like that.
20:14Did you some idea of why outlaws have always been such romantic figures?
20:19Perhaps you might have cut a more dashing figure,
20:21had you vaulted over the turnstile rather than crawling underneath it.
20:27I'm surprised the trains are even running on Frasier Crane Day.
20:30Yes, well, if it's only luck, we'll still cast the last 20 minutes of the rally.
20:40But how I'll explain my lateness, I have no idea.
20:43So if they can't tell them about the fish, the little girls,
20:47to make something up, I suppose.
20:50Any suggestions?
20:50The train stopped.
20:54That's not very original.
20:56No, Frasier, the train stopped.
20:59Council people to be open about it.
21:02Good morning.
21:03What's going on?
21:03Excuse me.
21:04What's happening?
21:05There's an electrical problem ahead.
21:07We're going back to Westlake.
21:09What?
21:10But those people are waiting for me.
21:12Well, they're so close.
21:14I guess it just isn't your day.
21:16But it is my day.
21:20Don't panic, Frasier.
21:21Oh, don't panic.
21:24Yes, why should I have any reason to panic?
21:27My God, I'm only going to miss a celebration in my own honor
21:29making me a laughingstock forever.
21:31And why?
21:32Because you spilled coffee on my shoes.
21:35You're blaming me?
21:37If you had the gripping ability every species above the tree swath was born with.
21:41You should think back of the 45 minutes you and your ego spent in that shoe store
21:46trying on every pair of shoes, including the ones the manager was wearing.
21:49Are you calling me vain?
21:50If the Joan and David bits...
21:52God's sake, you know, I'll ask for a moment.
21:54You step out of this.
21:55I can't believe I kept that size fits into the train spot.
21:58Just look at me in the face.
21:59Just...
21:59I don't even know why I'm yelling at you.
22:08I guess I'm just trying to blame you because I don't want to face the truth.
22:14I'm a big, fat phony.
22:19I wanted my day.
22:23I wanted hoopla and fuss.
22:28Practically planned the whole thing myself.
22:31You did?
22:32Yes.
22:35It says a lot about me as a psychiatrist, doesn't it?
22:41I'm a small man.
22:44What does it say about me that I was happy seeing you miss your day?
22:50You were, of course.
22:53I've been jealous of you all week.
22:56I'm a tiny man.
22:59Next to me, you're a giant.
23:00I stare up at your ankles.
23:03I'd need a stepladder, just...
23:05No, let's not do it.
23:10You shouldn't feel guilty, Fraser.
23:12Everyone deserves a fuss.
23:14You above all.
23:17You've helped a lot of people.
23:20They deserve a chance to thank you for it.
23:24Thank you not.
23:25Thank you not.
23:25Dr. Bain is on his way.
23:35You're in a minute.
23:40There it goes.
23:45Goodbye, Floss.
23:50Goodbye, Dave.
23:52I hesitate to say this, but you still have time.
24:05Stop it.
24:07Don't you dare get my hopes up.
24:10That ship has sailed.
24:12That fat lady has...
24:14Taxi!
24:15Taxi!
24:16Taxi!
24:16Taxi!
24:17Taxi!
24:18Oh, dear.
24:19I give up.
24:22Well, I don't.
24:24This is your day, and if I can get you there for a curtain call, I will.
24:28I still have the blind man's quarter.
24:30Stay here.
24:30I'm going to call a cab.
24:31Thank you, Niles.
24:33You're a good brother.
24:35Hey, I hear you yelling for a cab.
24:38Yes.
24:40I can take you if you want.
24:41Are you serious?
24:42Yeah.
24:43Niles!
24:44Niles, let's go!
24:45Come on!
24:46No.
24:46What about your friend?
24:53Oh, he'll be all right.
24:54He's got street smarts.
24:57Where are we going?
24:59Oh, the space needle, please.
25:00No problem.
25:02We'll be there in five minutes.
25:04Yeah, that's the first good news I've heard all day.
25:08I'm having a pretty rough day myself.
25:10Oh?
25:12Yeah, my ex-wife is getting remarried tomorrow.
25:17In Pennsylvania here.
25:20You going to a rally over there?
25:22Oh, as a matter of fact, I am.
25:25I told her I'd come to the wedding.
25:28I've been getting cold feet.
25:30Better make up my mind soon, though.
25:32The plane leaves in a few hours.
25:35They don't give you any bargains on those last-minute tickets, either.
25:38Oh, maybe this isn't the best time to tell you this, but I'll have to owe you for this ride.
25:48Don't worry about it.
25:53We probably never should have gotten married in the first place.
25:57We were young.
25:58Had a few good years, though.
26:01Well, that's something at least.
26:05At least the kids are going to be there tomorrow.
26:08The kids?
26:10The son and the daughter.
26:12I don't say much.
26:14They went with their mom when they were divorced.
26:18Of course, I think I'm more excited about seeing them than I am about seeing me.
26:25Why would you say that?
26:28Just a few.
26:29I didn't make much of my life back when Marie and I were together.
26:36Turned it around, though.
26:38I own this car.
26:40Well, it's a...
26:41It's a nice one.
26:44The hardest part is, if I do go, I have to see my in-laws.
26:52They were never too crazy about me.
26:56This new guy, Marie, is married, and he's supposed to be some kind of big success.
27:00I don't know what I'd say to any of them.
27:03Part of me thinks I'd just be better off leading the whole thing alone.
27:09And part of your death?
27:12I'd like to see my kids.
27:13Especially now they're getting a new dad.
27:20Hell of a choice, huh?
27:21Well, you know, sometimes difficult choices like these can be good things.
27:29They can teach us about who we are.
27:32I've been sure you're enough about this.
27:46Besides, we're here.
27:49No, don't worry about me.
27:50I've got plenty of time.
27:52Tell me more about your kids.
27:56All right?
28:00I'm John, by the way.
28:02I'm Frasier.
28:03I'm Frasier.
28:04I'm Frasier.
28:05I'm Frasier.
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