- 8 months ago
Frasier Season 4 Episode 10 Liar! Liar!
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00:00I'm glad you came back with us. I hope you had a good time.
00:04Well, I can't tell you how much fun this has been.
00:08Listen, now that you know the way, don't be a stranger, okay?
00:12Good night. Who the hell was that?
00:16He's not from the station? I never saw him before.
00:20He was table hopping like crazy during the awards.
00:24That's because he was our waiter.
00:28Well, it's the last time I take everybody back to my place.
00:34Who cares about that guy? This is a great night.
00:38For you, maybe. The rest of us lost.
00:41Hey, it's not important whether you win or lose.
00:44It's an honor just being numb.
00:48I couldn't get through that crap on stage. I can't get through it now.
00:53Frazier, do you mind if I use your phone?
00:56No, not at all. Who are you calling? It's practically midnight.
00:59Oh, I promised my grandmother I'd leave her a message telling her how we did.
01:04Hey, Gammy, it's Roz. Guess what? I won again. We're all here celebrating.
01:09Yay!
01:14Listen, I gotta go. It's getting crazy here, but I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye-bye.
01:18You lied to Gammy?
01:21Well, she's old and it makes her happy.
01:27She smiled for a week when I won the Miss Seattle pageant.
01:30You know, Roz raises a very interesting philosophical question.
01:37Uh, here we go. Buckle up.
01:43Is it always morally wrong to lie?
01:46Now, we are taught that it is.
01:49But are there certain occasions where a lie would be acceptable?
01:53Yeah. Like the, uh, lies you tell a chick in bed.
01:57You're the, uh, best I've ever been with. Uh, your thighs don't look that fat.
02:03Oh, don't worry, I've had a vasectomy.
02:10Hey, screw you guys. I'm an artist. We live by different rules.
02:14An argument can certainly be made that a lie is good when it spares someone unnecessary pain.
02:23I'm reminded of Merritt's brief flirtation with active wear when I assured her,
02:28You look fine, darling. Spandex is supposed to blouse.
02:32Oh, you know, Lilith actually told me the other day that, uh, Frederick has taken to lying.
02:45Yes, he told all of his friends that Lilith is an alien.
02:52Seems as good an explanation as any.
02:56Yes, he also told him that she wears her hair in a bun to hide the third eye in the back of her head.
03:02How did Lilith find out?
03:04Well, apparently, she was driving him and two of his little friends over to, uh, a junior Manson meeting.
03:10She looked in the rearview mirror and saw that they were making faces of the other cars.
03:15Never have the words, I can see you, caused so much screaming and wetting of pants.
03:25I did my share of thipping, too.
03:28I once told me school chums I was born with a tiny embryonic twin attached to me hip.
03:37Of course, they were horrified and it didn't help me social life at all.
03:42Oh, but for a while there, it was nice having a sister.
03:57Oh, remember in prep school when we were so desperate to avoid the president's physical fitness test?
04:03There was a litter match underneath the fire alarm and all the sprinklers went off.
04:08Oh, and we blamed that delinquent kid, John...
04:12...Rajewski.
04:13Yes.
04:14What?
04:15What's wrong?
04:16You two swore up and down to me that you never set off that alarm.
04:19Well, of course we weren't gonna tell you.
04:24For heaven's sake, Dad, you can't be mad. We were kids.
04:28You know, the headmaster said it was you two.
04:30I went down there and raised hell with them. I said, my kids don't lie.
04:33Because of you, that Rajewski kid got expelled.
04:38Expelled?
04:41Geez, if we'd known that was gonna happen, we would've told the truth.
04:44Not me.
04:47He was a brute and a meanie.
04:53Right.
04:55He used to make the most merciless fun of me.
04:58Because I always wore my gym shorts in the shower.
05:04He used to call me shorts in the shower boy.
05:11Oh, you don't have to be witty to be cruel.
05:15Well, I don't give a damn what that kid did.
05:18Getting him expelled was worse.
05:20I'm going to bed. Good night, everybody.
05:23Good night.
05:24Good night, Dad.
05:26Well, I guess that brings an end to our little debate.
05:29All right, there are no good lies.
05:33Hey, hey, it's getting kind of heavy in here.
05:36We gotta liven this place up, huh?
05:39Hey, I know. Party games, huh?
05:42All right, Doc.
05:44I'm gonna need a blindfold, some whipped cream, and a glass coffee table.
05:48What? Nobody here went to camp?
05:53What?
05:55Get it, Bulldog.
05:58These guys are no fun.
06:01You know what?
06:03I know a great after-hours place where we can go get a few drinks.
06:07Now you're talking.
06:08Hey, if things go well, I know an after-after-hours place.
06:15I get the keys.
06:17You get the elevator, I'll get my coat.
06:20You're right.
06:21No good lies my ass.
06:39Morning, Frasier.
06:40Oh, good morning, Art.
06:41Oh, dear God, it's finally happened.
06:46This is the thanks I get for introducing in my personal shopper.
06:51I gave Rinaldo specific instructions to write down every article of clothing that I had purchased
06:56so that we could avoid this sort of calamity.
06:58I didn't use Rinaldo.
07:00This suit just caught my eye while I was shopping for shoes.
07:02Why didn't you also take my strong chin and swimmer's bills?
07:13Oh, please.
07:16Obviously, we have to sit apart.
07:18Now sit down.
07:22Something I need to talk to you about.
07:24Most people aren't as attuned to these things as you and I are.
07:28So they won't even notice.
07:29Here you are, double espresso.
07:32I took a chance and brought you the same thing.
07:41Well, anyway.
07:44After our conversation last night, I couldn't stop thinking about our...
07:48getting John Rogeski expelled.
07:50Didn't sleep a wink.
07:52You can't be serious.
07:54I mean, it didn't bother you.
07:55Where is your conscience?
07:56Perhaps it fell into the quad along with my whole monitor beret
08:01when John hung me from the flagpole.
08:07He was going to be expelled sooner or later.
08:10You cannot guilt me in feeling bad.
08:12Yes, well, no one hated him more than I did.
08:15But I still think we owe him an apology.
08:18Can I borrow your phone now?
08:20Certainly.
08:22Huh?
08:24You're not going to call him.
08:25I am.
08:26Are you insane?
08:28Hello, a number for a John Rogeski, please.
08:31Well, my conscience won't rest until the two of us have said we're sorry.
08:36Please, connect me, please.
08:38Leave me out of this.
08:39I'm not sorry.
08:41But don't tell him that.
08:45And if he asks, I'm living in Italy.
08:48No, no.
08:50France.
08:52No.
08:54Italy.
08:56Yes.
08:57Hello.
08:58Is John Rogeski there, please?
09:00It's an old friend of his.
09:04Oh.
09:06Terribly sorry to hear that.
09:11Now it's worse than we thought.
09:14He's in prison.
09:16Well, who's wearing shorts in the shower now?
09:32Well, joke all you like.
09:35Still can't help thinking this is all our fault.
09:38How?
09:39Well, he was always on the cusp.
09:41Maybe he couldn't get into another prep school.
09:43Maybe he had to go to public.
09:46Got him with the wrong crowd.
09:48Couldn't hold down a job.
09:49He returned to a life of crime.
09:51Frasier, sometimes bad things happen to bad people.
09:54We did not set him on the path to prison.
09:57Yes, well, until I'm sure of that fact, my conscience will not rest.
10:00I have got to speak with him.
10:02Can I have a check, please?
10:03You're not going down to the jail.
10:05Yes, I am.
10:07I invite you to join me.
10:08Oh, yes, that's a good idea, Frasier.
10:11The Crane boy is going to a prison in matching outfits.
10:31Frasier Crane.
10:33So, huh?
10:34Hey!
10:35How's it going?
10:36Well, I...
10:37Have you?
10:39Eh.
10:44What brings you down here?
10:46Well, I don't know if you get the alumni magazine.
10:50But, um...
10:52I...
10:53I became a psychiatrist.
10:54And I'm currently, uh...
10:56Conducting a study on...
10:58Men behind bars.
11:00And, uh...
11:01How they got there.
11:03That's an awfully nasty bruise on your knuckles.
11:07Ah, this...
11:09Eh.
11:10Caught some guy using my comb.
11:12I really hate it when people touch my stuff.
11:15Oh, yes.
11:16I remember.
11:17My brother Niles once sat in your chair in the cafeteria.
11:20You know, as I recall, you put him on a tray and ran him through the dishwasher.
11:26Eh.
11:27Class clown.
11:28That was me.
11:30Eh.
11:31How is Niles, anyway?
11:33Uh, he's, uh...
11:34He's abroad now.
11:36Really?
11:37Oh, that must have hurt.
11:43No, no, I mean, uh...
11:45Well, yes, I suppose it did.
11:49Well, anyway, it would be an enormous help in my study if you could...
11:53Perhaps...
11:54Pinpoint...
11:56The moment or event in your life...
11:59That led you to...
12:01Here.
12:02Oh, that's easy.
12:04I'm doing time for passing a bad check.
12:07Ah.
12:08Yeah, you see, I wanted to get my wife something nice.
12:11Been going through a rough time recently.
12:14I was scared she was gonna leave me, you know?
12:17Well, that was quick and painless.
12:18We've identified the point where you fell off the beam.
12:21Actually, though, I was already on probation.
12:24Yeah, you see, I did some time about ten years back for driving a car that didn't belong to me.
12:29And that was your first infraction?
12:31More, yeah.
12:33Well, case closed, mystery solved.
12:36Young man yields to the lure of a bright and shiny car.
12:40Is there anything more tragic?
12:42You did have a juvenile record.
12:44Apparently there is.
12:47Got thrown out of high school for fight.
12:51You did say high school, not prep school.
12:54Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:56This was way after you knew me.
12:58I went bad then.
12:59Always getting into fights.
13:03Of course, I wouldn't have been there in the first place if I hadn't have got thrown out of that good school you and me were in.
13:11That had a big effect on me, you know?
13:14Yes, well, perhaps we could continue our backward journey.
13:18No, no, no.
13:19That was a bum rap.
13:21Somebody pulled a fire alarm and they blamed me for it.
13:25They said I did it, but I didn't do it.
13:27Let's discuss your early childhood.
13:29You know, the more I think about it, this all started the day I got thrown out of prep school.
13:36Ever since then my life's been crap, crap!
13:38Quick!
13:40I think I have all the information I need now.
13:43Yeah.
13:44Sorry, I didn't mean to blow like that.
13:47Well, that's all right, John.
13:49Thank you for your time.
13:53Got plenty of it, huh?
13:56Let's see.
13:57Yeah.
13:59No, no, John.
14:01Just one more thing.
14:03One second, please.
14:06Something I didn't need to tell you about.
14:10Something that I did in school I'm not very proud of.
14:13You, John.
14:14Sorry, I touched your comb, man.
14:20Really?
14:27So what'd you do?
14:29Um, well, I peeked over your shoulder once during an algebra quiz.
14:36And I'm the one who gets expelled.
14:44Evening, Dr. Crane.
14:45Hello, Daphne.
14:46Dad.
14:47Hi.
14:48Something wrong with your back?
14:49I injured it this morning.
14:51Playing squash.
14:52Oh.
14:53I had to make a dive to save match point.
14:55Well, I've got just the thing to take care of that.
14:57You take off your jacket, I'll be right back.
14:58You're too kind.
14:59You know, I should never have even attempted a move like that.
15:00It was sort of a cross between a pirouette and a flying scissor kick.
15:04You hurt yourself adjusting the seat in your Mercedes again, didn't you?
15:06Quiet.
15:07All right, pull out your shirt heels and lay face down on the seats and the seats.
15:08You hurt yourself adjusting the seat in your Mercedes again, didn't you?
15:09Quiet.
15:10right back. You're too kind. You know, I should never have even attempted a move like that.
15:17It was sort of a cross between a pirouette and a flying scissor kick. You hurt yourself
15:25adjusting the seat in your Mercedes again, didn't you? Quiet. All right, pull out your
15:31shirt heels and lay face down on the sofa. I can guarantee you within a minute you'll
15:37be feeling much better. I haven't even touched you yet. I started without you.
15:54Hey, wait a minute. You're not going to use that stuff on him, are you? She used it on me one time
15:59and burned like hell. Oh, hush up, old man. It helped you, didn't it? It nearly killed me. Oh, listen to the
16:05big, tough policeman. You don't hear your son complaining, do we, Dr. Crane? Not a bit.
16:15Frost me like a cake. Well, just wait a minute. It goes on cool, but then it turns into a blowtorch.
16:24Well, I guess now we know who the real man in the family is, don't we? I should say we... Ooh.
16:30Is it starting to warm up? Oh, yeah. But it's a refreshing heat, like those towels they give
16:40you on the airplane. Ooh. I'm not hurting you, am I? No, no, I'm just a little ticklish back there.
16:48Well, I guess you are the tough one. There you go. Oh, no, wait a minute, Daphne. You missed a big
17:05spot right there. No, that's okay, because it's all done now, and thank you, Daphne. Oh, a few minutes
17:12ago, I was bent over in pain, but now, look at me, I'm running. How is that hip of yours,
17:31anyway? Back off, witch woman.
17:37Evening, Dr. Crane. Evening, Daphne. How'd they go to jail? Horribly. Man is convinced
17:45he's getting thrown out of prep school at the beginning of his life of crime. He's been
17:51thinking that all these years? No. I sort of connected the dots for it.
18:01Did you tell him it was you? Oh, I had attention to it, but I became convinced the man would
18:09be willing to perform unspeakable atrocities on the responsible party or parties. Well,
18:15you probably made the right call. Knowing you, you'd beat yourself up worse than he would
18:19anyway. I hope you remember to tell him I was an ex-patriot. I told him you were an ex-something.
18:26You know, I just feel so guilty. I've done this man a terrible injustice. You know, Dr. Crane,
18:43I've always believed life has a way of balancing itself out. Well, yes, you may have treated this
18:50man unfairly, but think of all the people you've helped on your show. What, just yesterday you
18:55reconciled that couple on the brink of divorce, and today you helped Molly from Tacoma overcome
19:02her addiction to sweets? That was sweets, not Swedes.
19:18I thought it was strange when you told her to limit herself to one or two after meals.
19:22You know, perhaps I just have an overactive conscience. It's not enough that I've helped
19:33other people. I want to help this man. Well, and I hope you do, Frasier, because then finally
19:37you'll stop torturing the rest of us with all your... Oh! Oh, Payne's back. Oh, not to worry.
19:44She's got more liniment. Oh, Payne's gone. Oh, come on now. Don't be brave. Let's go into the
19:51Lulu, and I'll give you a second call.
19:59You know, Dad, Daphne gives me a thought. I'm a skilled couples therapist. You know,
20:06and John did mention that he was having marital problems. Oh, James. No, Dad, it's perfect.
20:11It's perfect. I may have ruined the last 25 years of this man's life, but with my gift,
20:16I could save the next 25. Yes, a listing for John Rogeski, a resident. I'm telling you,
20:23Frasier, don't get mixed up with this guy. He's a felon. Connect me, please. Dad, just relax. I know
20:28what I'm doing. Mrs. Rogeski. Hello. You don't know me, but I...
20:34My. Well, that's remarkable. Yes, I am a friend of your husband.
20:55Mrs. Rogeski. Wow. It's really you. Frasier Crane. Yes. May I?
21:03Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. Please, please, come in.
21:09You know, you're kind of like a god down at work. Please, please, sit down. Thank you. Thank you.
21:17Well, let me cut right to the chase. John told me that you two were going through a bit of a
21:23rough patch, and I was wondering if there's anything I can do to help.
21:29Well, I love John. I really do, but there is a problem. It's just a little difficult talking
21:38about it, you know? I mean, it's a little embarrassing, especially face to face.
21:44Well, I'll tell you what, just pretend I'm on my radio show, and there, there, now, you're just
21:50another caller. Okay. Um, well, Dr. Crane, it's a sexual problem. You see, I can only get really
22:02turned on when there's something that makes the whole situation sort of dangerous.
22:10dangerous. Dangerous? You're looking at me. Sorry. Like doing it in a car. Well, that's
22:19not so dangerous. He must be some driver. Oh, and you've never had an accident? No, I'm on
22:28the pill. So, uh, well, how, how long have you had this particular, uh, kink? Well, I don't
22:40know, really. It, um, it kind of started around the time that I, that I first met John. I was
22:48working in a convenience store. I caught him shoplifting. Next thing I knew, we were rolling
22:55around on the Slurpee machine, and I'd already pressed the silent alarm, so I knew that the
23:00cops were on their way. That's when I realized what really turns me on, knowing I could get
23:11caught at any moment. Oh, dear God, he's out of jail, isn't he? He could walk in at any
23:18time. God, well, he'll kill us. Oh, touch me here and say that. Are you crazy? He does
23:26me with like people touch his comb. I know. What's that all about? He might like to put your
23:33dress back on, straighten up before he gets home. Hey, Sue, now open up. Look, we've only
23:40got time for what? I suggest the dress. Where's the bedroom? You're in it. Listen, uh, you've
23:45got to get him out of here. I pass him a chance to have sex with him, knowing he could find
23:50you here at any minute. Oh, girl. Welcome home, baby. It's good to be back. What are you
24:04doing? Well, I'm just getting ready for you. Oh, I missed you. So, do you want to? Sure, I do,
24:13but do you mean, uh, normally the super's not going to barge in? You didn't don 9-1-1 or
24:22anything like that? I've got everything I need right here in this room. All right. I'm
24:33just going to pull down the shades. Wait, wait, no. The hell is this? How much did you
24:43spend on these? Oh, Johnny, can't we talk about that later? Eh. Hey, why don't you turn
24:53off the leg? It's too dark. I want to see you. Ah, whatever you want, baby. Oh, this is
25:09going to be great. I am going to make love to you all night. But first, I have a surprise
25:20for you. I wrote a poem for you while I was in prison. I am a garden, dry and brown. You
25:32are the rain that tumbles down, Susan. I am a beggar who needs to eat. You are a sandwich
25:41thick with meat, Susan. Oh, my God. I knew you had something planned. You set the building
25:53on fire. Oh, my God. I didn't. I swear. Come on. Let's get out of here. Oh, but the farm
26:00way. Hey, baby. I hear the blues are calling. Tossed salads and scrambled eggs. Oh, my.
26:07And maybe I seem a bit confused. Yeah, maybe. But I got you paid. Oh, my. And maybe I seem
26:14a bit confused. Yeah, maybe. But I got you paid. Ha, ha, ha, ha. But I don't know what
26:21to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs. Oh, my. And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:27Yeah, maybe. But I got you paid. Ha, ha, ha, ha. But I don't know what to do with those tossed
26:33salads and scrambled eggs. They're calling again. Scrambled eggs all over my face. What is a boy
26:52to do? Frasier has left the building.
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