- 10 months ago
Frasier Season 1 Episode 21 Travels With Mart In
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TVTranscript
00:00Ross, Ross, my brochures are here. Oh, God, very exciting vacation.
00:06Wow, the Golden Door Spa? Look at those accommodations. That is nice.
00:12Yes, I plan to leave Dad and Eddie to fend for themselves while I go off and spend an obscene amount of money being pampered like a spoiled child.
00:20No, it's self-indulgent. What else are vacations for?
00:24By the way, what are you doing for your week off?
00:27Oh, I'm taking my mom to Ireland to stay in the sod house where her mother was born.
00:36Why don't you just write the words, bad son, on my forehead?
00:42Listen, there is nothing wrong with pampering yourself on your vacation. After all, you do work three hours a day.
00:54I'm sorry, that one even surprised me.
00:57You know, it's just that when I think of the relationship I have with my dad, I can't help but envy the relationship you have with your mother.
01:07Well, it didn't just happen. We work at it. We spend time together.
01:12Ross, are you forgetting that my father lives with me? How much more time together could we spend?
01:17Day-to-day living is different. You know, there is nothing better than taking a trip together. You get to have a little fun. You get to relax. You get to see a whole different side of the other person.
01:28You know, in his entire life, my dad has never been to Europe.
01:33It would be a way of connecting with him if I were the one to give him that.
01:38Matt? So what would you charge me to take him to Ireland with you?
01:42I should have known this would happen. I always throw out my back when I try to lift Maris' luggage.
02:01Why didn't you have a sky cap?
02:05Oh, we did for most of it, but Maris won't trust strangers with her makeup case ever since a ham-handed porter dropped it and broke three vials of rare Swiss lamb placenta.
02:17On the upside, the calf-skinned lining of her case was never more soft and supple.
02:29Where did Mrs. Crane go anyway?
02:37She's making her annual pilgrimage to the Holy Land.
02:41Oh, she was going to Dallas to visit her sister.
02:44Oh, that is her Holy Land.
02:47It's the site of the first Neiman Marcus.
02:53Oh, Dr. Crane.
02:56Oh, call me Niles.
03:07Thank you, Daphne.
03:09Dad, I have an idea, and I hope you're as excited about it as I am.
03:13I want to take you on vacation.
03:17Why?
03:20Well, I thought an adventure might do us some good.
03:23Give us a chance to have some fun, maybe get reacquainted, even do a little bonding.
03:28What do you have in mind?
03:30Well, this is not about where I want to go.
03:32This is about where you want to go.
03:35Dad, I give you the world.
03:39The Galipagos Islands, huh?
03:50There are iguanas, sea lions, and giant tortoises live in eternal harmony.
03:56Hey, is it important they get along?
04:01Oh, no, I suppose not.
04:03Oh, how about this?
04:06India and Nepal trek the foothills of the Himalayas.
04:10I think you're forgetting about my old pal here.
04:12No problem.
04:13Frazier can just hire a really tough little Sherpa to carry you on his back.
04:19They don't mind.
04:22Well, we obviously haven't struck the right chord yet, but we will.
04:25We will.
04:26Dad, why don't you just suggest something?
04:29You really want to go on a trip with you?
04:31Yes, I do.
04:32I'll go anywhere you want to.
04:33Anywhere.
04:35Okay.
04:37Well, maybe I'm not as sophisticated as you, but I think I should see America first.
04:43Great.
04:44We're Americans.
04:45We should see America.
04:46And I want to see it in Winnebago.
04:48Oh, Winnebago.
04:51God damn, that is a real ring to it.
04:54Yeah.
04:55Something your mother and I always dreamed about doing when I retired.
04:58Well, then that is exactly the trip we're going to take.
05:02You really mean it?
05:03Absolutely.
05:05This calls for a celebration.
05:07Yeah, let's pop open a couple of beers.
05:10I think I got a bag of pork rinds in here, too.
05:14Oh, the final touch.
05:15I almost feel like I'm in a trailer park already.
05:18Oh, Winnebago boy.
05:33Make sure and hang a lot of beach chairs on the back and give it a really cute name, like
05:37the Hoopin' Cranes.
05:38Oh, Niles.
05:43I agreed to see America with Dad.
05:45I thought we'd be staying in five-star resorts when I said together.
05:49I meant adjoining suites.
05:51Just tell him you think it's a bad idea.
05:53No, I can't do that.
05:54He's counting on this trip too much.
05:56It was his dream.
05:57He was going to go on this trip with Mom.
05:59Yes, but she lucked out and died.
06:00No, Niles, listen, listen.
06:09If Dad and I get into a Winnebago together, only one of us will come out alive.
06:15You've got to come with us.
06:17Frasier, you're my brother.
06:18That entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys.
06:21But this is an imposition.
06:25You've got to come with us.
06:27Why?
06:28Well, Frasier and I don't have anything to talk about.
06:30I always feel more comfortable if there's somebody else around or if the TV's blaring.
06:36Then why did you suggest it to you?
06:37Well, it sounded like a good idea when it came out of my mouth, but the more I think about it...
06:42I mean, can you really see me and Frasier together all day, then crawling into our bunks
06:47at night, lying head-to-head in the dark, bonding?
06:53I'll pay you.
06:54I got pension money.
06:55I remember a car trip we took when I was nine.
06:59We drove from Seattle to Spokane.
07:02The only thing he said to me was,
07:04I think we've got a problem with your brother, Frasier.
07:07Those were awful, those family-driving vacations.
07:21Dad insisting on covering as many miles as possible in a day.
07:25The two of us, tiny hostages in the back seat.
07:28Touching our car sickness bags.
07:33Straining to see something out the window as the landscape whizzed by.
07:37I was 13 before I realized cows aren't blurry.
07:45Why don't you just tell him you don't want to go?
07:48Oh, you heard how he wants to go.
07:50I don't want to disappoint him.
07:52I don't want to disappoint him.
07:55I'm sorry, Frasier.
07:56I am not a Winnebago person.
07:59Whenever I see one on the highway,
08:02I look into the driver's eyes,
08:03hoping to see something that would explain
08:05why in God's name he would ever want to do something like this.
08:09All I see is a death stare under the brim of a hat
08:12made out of Miller Lite cans.
08:17This is my final word.
08:19I'm not going.
08:20Hey, great news!
08:22Daphne's coming, too.
08:23And so am I!
08:34It's everything I hoped it would be, only better.
08:37It's like sitting in your own living room watching TV.
08:41Except it isn't TV.
08:42It's America!
08:44Yes, Dad, it's the ultimate in reality programming.
08:49Actual reality.
08:51Okay, we got a turn-off coming up in about five miles,
08:55so start slowing down.
08:56I know, Dad.
08:57How's it feel behind that wheel, Dr. Craig?
09:01Manly!
09:04This is mine, and it's big.
09:07Oh, my God.
09:11It's like being sealed up right in a Formica coffin.
09:17Remember the old days, Niles?
09:19When they were kids,
09:20all I had in the back seat was a mayonnaise jar.
09:25Yes.
09:26So quite a bit of skill to use it successfully
09:28at 70 miles an hour.
09:30Never really been fond of mayonnaise since.
09:35Or speed bumps.
09:38Okay, turn-off's coming up now.
09:40We're about four miles away.
09:41Get ready.
09:42It's coming up.
09:43All right, you're okay on the right.
09:45It's never too early to move over.
09:48Dad.
09:49I was wondering,
09:50what inspired you to choose
09:52is that uniquely American man-made wonder,
09:55Mount Rushmore?
09:57Ah, it's obvious.
09:58We got a week off, right?
10:00That's as far as we can go
10:01in three and a half days
10:02and still make it back.
10:04We get there, get out,
10:05walk around the Valley of the Presidents,
10:07drive back, boom.
10:09Another fine landmark under our belts.
10:13Well, you've certainly got this trip well planned,
10:16Mr. Crane.
10:17Whenever I take a holiday,
10:18I'll just grab a fresh pair of knickers
10:21and see where the wind takes me.
10:26Niles.
10:27Niles.
10:28Niles.
10:39You know,
10:44what Daphne's saying
10:47is what we should really be doing.
10:49What are you talking about?
10:50Well, you know,
10:52why should we be so beholden
10:53to maps and schedules?
10:54We should roam.
10:56America has always been enchanted
10:58with the romance of the open highway.
11:00Jack Kerouac went on the road.
11:03Buzz and Todd got their kicks
11:05on Route 66.
11:06The adventure is in the journey.
11:09We should just ramble.
11:11Well, gone it.
11:11I'm inspired.
11:12I'm going to put on a baseball cap.
11:16If as you watch it,
11:17you're going to miss the turnoff.
11:18So?
11:19We'll get lost.
11:20Lost from where?
11:21We're in a house on wheels.
11:23Wherever we go, we're home.
11:24No, it's coming up.
11:26It's coming up.
11:26All right, turn here.
11:28This is it.
11:29Turn.
11:30Turn here.
11:32We missed it.
11:33Dad, we didn't miss anything.
11:39Oh, my God.
11:46We are now on the road less traveled.
11:49From now on, there is a new order.
11:51We dance to the rhythm of the road.
11:54All right.
11:55Now, don't worry about anything.
11:57There's got to be an access road leading back onto that turnoff.
12:01Where is it?
12:02Where is it?
12:03Oh, it's always in the crack.
12:05So is life, Dad.
12:18I've got to say, I was pretty anxious,
12:20but I'm starting to like this free spirit stuff.
12:24Dad, Dad, look.
12:25There's a historical marker up ahead.
12:27Let's stop.
12:28Let's go see it.
12:29I'm just driving wherever you feel like it.
12:32It's educational, Dad.
12:33There.
12:33There.
12:34There.
12:34What did it say?
12:39I have no idea.
12:41The only word I saw was legendary.
12:46Oh, look.
12:47A roadside stand.
12:48Fresh fruit.
12:49Homemade apple cider.
12:49Dad.
12:50Oh, that's good.
12:50Dad.
12:51Dad.
12:51Dad.
12:51Dad.
12:52Dad.
12:52Dad.
12:52Dad.
12:53Dad.
12:53Dad.
12:53Dad.
12:53Dad.
12:53Dad.
12:53Dad.
12:54Dad.
12:54Dad.
12:54Dad.
12:54Dad.
12:55Dad.
12:55Dad.
12:56Dad.
12:56Dad.
12:56Dad.
12:57Dad.
12:57Dad.
12:58You seem to be missing the freewheeling concept.
13:00We're supposed to go where the wind blows us, for God's sake.
13:06And it's blowing, we're going.
13:08But why are you mowing off?
13:11What is this obsession you have with covering a certain distance?
13:14It's just the way I relax.
13:16Say, what happened?
13:17I got my kids in the car.
13:21What you call relaxing seems like a man with an obsession to me.
13:31Don't you think so, Niles?
13:34Niles, what are you doing?
13:36Making a vacation video.
13:38Something that we can look at years from now.
13:40Over and over and over and over again.
13:42Okay, you guys want to stop, so bad we'll stop.
13:47See that sign over there?
13:48I have your picture taken with a live grizzly bear.
13:51Marbellas, souvenirs, and gifts, one mile.
13:53I always wanted to have my picture taken with a bear.
13:56Well, some dreams cannot be denied.
14:00Okay, Dad.
14:01All right, you're good here.
14:02We're good on my side, Jeff.
14:03All right, just go ahead and ease the ride over.
14:05It's never too early to change things.
14:06Oh, my God, it must be genetic.
14:12Get your dog away from my bear.
14:24I just had him cleaned.
14:26He's stuffed.
14:28No, your sign said alive, bear.
14:31It's an old sign.
14:35Would you look at that view?
14:37It's like we're really there.
14:38Yes, but if we were actually there, Dad, we'd be whizzing by it at 50 miles an hour.
14:44Oh, Frasier, look.
14:45It's the gourmet food department.
14:47Oh, homemade deer jerky.
14:50No sampling.
14:51No problem.
14:52Okay.
14:54Excuse me.
14:55Would you take our picture, please?
14:57Niles, Frasier, come on up here.
14:59Okay, everybody.
15:01All right.
15:02Here we go.
15:03Everybody ready?
15:03Now, what should we do?
15:05Well, how about this?
15:07Ah-ha, that's great.
15:08I like that.
15:09Okay, everybody.
15:10Eddie?
15:11Now, before I take it, you know it's $10 Canadian.
15:14Oh, for a treasured memory like this, what's money?
15:17Okay.
15:18One.
15:19Why would she want Canadian dollars?
15:21Two.
15:22Because we're in Canada.
15:23Three.
15:23Three.
15:23Ah!
15:28We're in Canada?
15:30Yeah, we crossed the border a little while ago.
15:32You were taking a nap.
15:34But I can't be in Canada.
15:36I'm not allowed to leave the United States.
15:39Why?
15:40Because I don't have me green card yet.
15:44Oh, this is just perfect.
15:47Three months till me final interview,
15:50the one thing they told me not to do was leave the country.
15:54And what do you do?
15:55Wait until the first time I fall asleep
15:57and drag me across the bleeding border.
16:01They're never going to let me back in.
16:02They have to take you back.
16:04It's not your fault.
16:06This wouldn't have happened
16:06if you weren't so hell-bent
16:07on getting so many miles under your belt today.
16:09Well, you're the one who had to go with the wind blows.
16:12Never mind who's fault it is.
16:25I'm stuck here.
16:27What am I going to do?
16:28We'll just go to the authorities and explain.
16:30I'm sure mishaps like this happen all the time.
16:32Oh, get real, Niles.
16:34They got the rules.
16:35Oh, then what's your solution, Dad?
16:37Just sneak her back across the border.
16:38That's called smuggling.
16:41Oh, thanks, Niles.
16:44I knew it was something bad guys did.
16:46I just didn't know the technical term.
16:49Dad, I can't believe that you, of all people,
16:51a former policeman,
16:52are actually suggesting that we commit a felony.
16:54Oh, I've crossed this border plenty.
16:57Ninety-nine times out of a hundred,
16:58the guards just peek in the door and wave you through.
17:01It's no big deal.
17:02Come on, let's get out of here.
17:03What if they pull us over?
17:05Well, I'm jacked and he's just got to convince them
17:07that she's an American.
17:09Bloody right.
17:11It beats having me bum bounce back across the pond.
17:14Let's give it a bash.
17:16Oh, yes, this is foolproof.
17:24I'm about to defraud the United States Immigration Department.
17:28Not just me, my father and my older brother.
17:31People who should be role models for me,
17:33it's not my fault I'm the product of a bad environment.
17:35Now, listen, on the off-chance the guard asked you a question.
17:41Can you say anything in an American accent?
17:44Sure.
17:45Okay, what?
17:46You just heard it.
17:48What?
17:49Sure.
17:53That's it.
17:54That's all I can say.
17:55Oh, I need a cup of tea.
17:57Tea?
17:58Why don't you just wave a crumpet in the air
18:01and start singing God Save the Queen?
18:05Don't you snap at her, Frazier.
18:08You're a psychiatrist.
18:10You should be in better control of your emotions.
18:12Oh, my God, there's the border.
18:13I can see the line of cars.
18:15All right, all right.
18:16All right, now, everybody calm down.
18:18We're going to be fine.
18:19Just remember, they're going to be looking for suspicious behavior.
18:22All right, now, if the guard pokes his head in here,
18:30what did we say he's going to see?
18:33Four carefree Americans.
18:35I've never been so nervous.
18:39Actually, I don't think there's any need to be.
18:42It looks like they're waving everybody through.
18:44They're not even asking any questions.
18:46Please, please, please.
18:47Okay, they're waving us through.
18:49They're waving us through.
18:52They're pulling us over.
18:56They're pulling us over.
18:57Here comes the guard.
19:05I can't do this.
19:06No, everything's going to be fine.
19:07Don't worry.
19:08Just remember to keep your answers short.
19:10People who have something to hide always talk too much.
19:15Hi, folks.
19:16Hi.
19:16Did you have a good time in Canada?
19:18Oh, great.
19:18Canada, wow.
19:19What was the purpose of your trip to Canada, sir?
19:25Fun.
19:27I see.
19:36And where were you born, sir?
19:38Oh, Seattle, Washington.
19:40Oh, you want to know what country?
19:42Well, America.
19:43Of course.
19:44I'm quite an American, really.
19:45I boat all the time.
19:47And always for the law and order guy, you know.
19:49That's fine, sir.
19:50I don't need any more detail.
19:51Oh.
19:53And you, miss?
19:56Did you enjoy Canada?
19:58Sure.
20:02And the weather?
20:04Sure.
20:05Sure.
20:09Is this your vehicle, sir?
20:11Oh, no.
20:12Yes.
20:13Oh, I rented it.
20:14Yeah.
20:15It's American-made, you see.
20:17I always look for that union label.
20:18I just need your license and registration.
20:21Oh, right.
20:22It's right here in the little side pocket here.
20:24And there's the registration.
20:26Let me get my license out for you.
20:28It's, uh...
20:28There we are.
20:33Stay right here.
20:34Well, I certainly can't depend on my gang, can't I?
20:46That's it.
20:47I'm going to be arrested.
20:48We're all getting arrested.
20:50Yes, but I have delicate features.
20:52Prison will be hell for me.
20:57Cruel it, Niles.
21:00It's too late to turn back.
21:02I say we make a run for it.
21:04Oh, great idea.
21:06A high-speed chase in an eight-ton motorhome.
21:09We make an amusing anecdote for the Border Guard newsletter.
21:14All right, everybody just shut up.
21:16Now, you keep babbling like this, they're going to catch us for sure.
21:20He's coming back.
21:24Well, please check out.
21:26Well, I thought that's it.
21:27We're strictly on the up and up.
21:31Miss, you've been very quiet.
21:33Is there something I should know here?
21:35You seem awfully nervous.
21:42I have your name, please.
21:50Uh, all right.
21:52I guess I should have known better than to try this.
21:55Dad, don't.
21:56It was just a mistake.
21:57You men just want to back off?
21:59What does he want to say, sir?
22:01We were trying to put one over on you.
22:05Eddie.
22:09We don't have a regular certificate for the dog.
22:14I knew something was going on here.
22:16Yeah, well, you see, we weren't planning on coming here.
22:19When we got to the border, we just forgot all about it.
22:21Yes, and I, for one, didn't even know that you needed one.
22:24Yes, but ignorance of the law is no defense.
22:28So take the little dog away and we'll be off.
22:30Look, this is my fault.
22:38But if you're worried, we picked the dog up here in Canada.
22:42Well, we didn't.
22:43I mean, I got a picture I can show you.
22:45Here's a picture I'm taking at the Seattle Space Needle.
22:49See, you got a badge there.
22:53Oh, yeah.
22:57You policemen?
22:59Retired.
23:0030 years on the Seattle Police Force.
23:02Me of all people should know better, huh?
23:04Absolutely.
23:06Definitely.
23:07Sure.
23:15Next time, remember the rabies certificate.
23:18Have a safe trip home.
23:19Thanks, Robert.
23:22Oh, they would have returned you eventually.
23:44So, Dad, how long did we get home?
23:46Oh, about two hours.
23:48This highway goes right into Seattle.
23:49Oh, why don't you lean back and take a little nap?
23:53Oh, no, I'm okay.
23:55Thought maybe we'd chat a little bit.
23:59Oh, yeah.
24:00Great.
24:14You know, Fraser, I just can't help it.
24:17When we're alone together, I just don't know what the hell to say.
24:21I'm sure you figured out that's why I asked Efton to come along.
24:25Well, I had my suspicions, but I'd hope that wasn't the case.
24:29Oh, knock it off.
24:31That's why you asked Niles to come along, too.
24:33Well, that's why I asked him, but that's not why he came.
24:36You know, the funny thing, we didn't have such a bad time, did we?
24:48See, you got a badge there.
24:50Oh, yeah.
24:56Pretty slick, huh?
24:57You know, Dad, there's no reason to cut our trip short.
25:11According to this map, we're not that far from Yellowstone.
25:15Oh, I always wanted to see Old Faithful.
25:18Me, too.
25:18And if you want a real adventure, we can drop these two sleeping beauties off home first.
25:26Do you mean it?
25:27Just the two of us alone?
25:29Yeah.
25:30Just you and me, father and son?
25:34Yeah.
25:34Yeah, you and me, kept it out in Yellowstone, all alone.
25:38All by ourselves.
25:39Well, you know, it'd be a shame if Daphne didn't get to see those Indian paint pots.
25:57Yes, of course.
25:59They are a real miracle of nature.
26:03Wouldn't be fair to leave Niles just to ramble around that old house all by himself.
26:06Maris out of town, that'd be cruel.
26:08Yeah.
26:10Absolutely.
26:11So how long, you figure it'll take us to get to Yellowstone?
26:14Well, if we drive all night, we'll be there tomorrow.
26:16Oh.
26:17That'd be a nice surprise to the two of them when they wake up in the morning.
26:20Yeah.
26:21I got a better surprise than that.
26:23Let's tell Daphne we're in Mexico.
26:34Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling, toss salads and scratch.
26:39Scrambled eggs.
26:42Mercy.
26:43And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:46Well, maybe.
26:47But I got you pegged.
26:49Ha!
26:50Ha!
26:51Ha!
26:51Ha!
26:51Ha!
26:52But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:59They're calling again.
27:02Good night, Seattle.
27:04We love you.
27:04We love you.
27:05We love you.
27:06We love you.
27:06We love you.
27:06We love you.
27:07We love you.
27:07We love you.
27:07We love you.
27:08We love you.
27:08We love you.
27:09We love you.
27:09We love you.
27:09We love you.
27:10We love you.
27:10We love you.
27:10We love you.
27:11We love you.
27:11We love you.
27:12We love you.
27:12We love you.
27:13We love you.
27:13We love you.
27:14We love you.
27:14We love you.
27:15We love you.
27:15We love you.
27:15We love you.
27:16We love you.
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