Comedian Ian Bagg on The John DeBella Show

Beasley Digital

Transcript

00:00Ladies and gentlemen, coming back to the studio, and with his massive presence, is the one

00:22and only Ian Bagg.

00:23Good morning to you.

00:24Did you just call me a fatty?

00:25No.

00:25Is that what you just did there?

00:26Just massive man.

00:28Hey, guys.

00:28Nice to see you, fella.

00:30Wait a second.

00:30Hang on.

00:31Steve.

00:31What?

00:32Are you standing on the squatty potty?

00:34No.

00:35What?

00:35Hey, you want to turn my mic on?

00:37Okay.

00:37No.

00:38Are you sure?

00:39Positive.

00:40It's over there.

00:40Is it?

00:41I'm this tall.

00:42Are you?

00:42Because the last time Ian was in, you barely made it over his shoulder.

00:46I'm wearing Taylor's heels.

00:48Is that what it is?

00:48Okay.

00:50He's all grown up.

00:51You are a big man, sir.

00:53Yes, I'm 5'8".

00:54Uh-huh.

00:56She brought two heels today?

00:57I'm 5'8".

00:58I feel like everybody in here is tiny.

00:59You guys want to get in a Honda Civic and go for a ride around town afterwards?

01:06You tidy little men.

01:07Come on now.

01:09Now, are you originally from California?

01:12No.

01:12I'm originally from Northern British Columbia.

01:14Really?

01:15Yeah, in Canada.

01:15I'm actually from the same area as Jim and Joe Watson from the old Flyers.

01:21Okay.

01:21All right.

01:22But you live in California now?

01:24Yeah, I live in California.

01:24Yeah.

01:24You get a chance to get out of Northern British Columbia.

01:26You take it.

01:27Yeah.

01:27And don't you live on the beach?

01:30I do live in the beach.

01:31I live in Long Beach, California.

01:32I live in Belmont Shore.

01:33We live right on the water.

01:34It's pretty fantastic.

01:35I have no idea what I've done, but my life is great.

01:38Okay.

01:39I started out in a small Indian logging village, a town where it rained probably about, I would

01:47say, 280 days a year.

01:49Wow.

01:50So like here.

01:50Yeah.

01:51Like here this summer, that's for sure.

01:53And I just, I somehow ended up in America.

01:56I have no idea.

01:57I came as an illegal alien.

01:59So when they talk about all these illegal aliens, I'm like, I just like, yeah.

02:06I snuck across the border via a train from Montreal to New York.

02:11And I'd never been to New York before.

02:13And I remember when the train pulled into New York, I was like, oh, I've made a mistake.

02:18And I didn't have any place to stay in this.

02:20When I got off the train, there was a thing for a youth hostel.

02:23And I lived in a youth hostel for a month for $14 a night.

02:27That's not bad.

02:27Yeah.

02:28So, and then I worked at a club called the Comic Strip.

02:31And they'd give me $25 a night.

02:33Sure.

02:34I'd have $11 extra.

02:35Right.

02:36He can do math.

02:38That's amazing.

02:38I was good times back then, boy.

02:40Oh, $11 back then.

02:42You were, oh, let me tell you about it.

02:44It was fantastic.

02:46In New York City, I was living huge.

02:50You walk out of the house with $11 in your pocket today.

02:53Tiffany's.

02:56Baby, I'm going to come back with something nice for you.

03:00You sit over there, baby.

03:02I got $11.

03:05That's prison money.

03:09Yeah.

03:10I ended up being seen by the people from Conan O'Brien.

03:12And they wanted me on the show.

03:13And they got me my green card and helped me out get in.

03:15Really?

03:16Yes.

03:16Oh, that's great.

03:17Yeah.

03:17That's great.

03:18Yeah.

03:18Has Conan gotten his green card yet?

03:20I have no idea.

03:21I don't think he should.

03:22I think he should be asked to leave back to his little Scottish town or wherever he's from.

03:26He's Irish.

03:26I think he's Irish.

03:27He's Irish.

03:27The red, as soon as the red people.

03:29That's really who we have to watch coming into this country.

03:31Steve comes from the red people.

03:33Are you from the red people?

03:33I got a red-headed son.

03:34Oh, I'm surprised.

03:35Oh, that's weird.

03:36Step?

03:37No.

03:37My mom and my sister have red hair.

03:38So we got it.

03:39It's in the family.

03:39Oh, it just pops up every now and then?

03:41Yeah, every so often.

03:42The Cincinnati Bengals, their biggest problem, why they'll always be an average team.

03:46Too many redheads on their team.

03:47I know.

03:48There's like eight different redheads on that team.

03:51And it's like no redhead has made it through an afternoon game.

03:55They all get sunburned halfway through.

03:57Take me out, coach.

03:57I'm on fire.

04:00Are you much of a football fan?

04:02I enjoy it.

04:03Am I a crazy fan?

04:05I enjoy hard knocks.

04:06I think that really makes me excited about it.

04:09And then I enjoy watching the red zone where you can watch all the games.

04:14That's how I like it.

04:15That's what commercial breaks are for.

04:16Yeah, yeah, yeah.

04:17Move it around.

04:18Move it around.

04:19Move it around.

04:19I need to see.

04:19It moves a little too slow for me.

04:22Well, you're not a guy who, let's just say, focuses on something for a long period of time.

04:29Have you been talking to my mom?

04:30I feel like this is some sort of teacher intervention again.

04:34I used to have a teacher that was my history teacher, Henry Drager.

04:40And I would pretend he was David Letterman and I was Paul Schaefer.

04:43Oh, God.

04:45And he'd ask me a question.

04:47And I'd say, well, Dave.

04:48And I'd start playing the desk like a piano.

04:52And he ended up calling my mom.

04:54Is there something we should know about you?

04:55So, how's life in Long Beach, you said?

05:01Yeah, Long Beach, Calvary.

05:03How is life in Long Beach, Calvary?

05:04Yeah, I absolutely love it.

05:06I live there with my wife and two dogs.

05:08And yeah, somebody asked me the other day about living in a city when I was back in my little hometown that I grew up in.

05:14I don't really live in a city now.

05:16I live in a beach community is what I live in.

05:18And so, it's just very relaxing and you never know who you're going to see around the corner.

05:24Well, you say that like, is there a crime problem in Long Beach?

05:27No, the crime problem is it's summertime and girls' bikinis just keep getting smaller.

05:33It's absolutely amazing.

05:35My wife is like, how many times do you have to walk the dog today?

05:40A lot.

05:41A lot.

05:41The sun's changing directions again.

05:43There's a different angle on the other side of the beach today that I got to see.

05:50Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

05:53What kind of dogs?

05:54I have a French bulldog.

05:56Oh, no.

05:56That is Mini Pearl.

05:57And we have like a mix from the pound.

06:02That's Lou.

06:02Well, you live in L.A. and you're shamed if you don't have a pound dog.

06:07Yeah, you got to have a pound dog.

06:08Purebred pound dog.

06:09How it started was my wife, when she was 18, found a dog in a ditch.

06:13And that dog lived with her for 18 years.

06:15I was eight years of that dog.

06:18And yeah, there was no way.

06:20When that dog was 15, we got a Lou from the pound is how it worked out.

06:27And then when she passed away, Lou had no idea what life was like without another dog.

06:32So I was like, I'm getting a French bulldog.

06:34They look like aliens.

06:37But wasn't one an alien in Men in Black?

06:40There was a pug.

06:41There was a pug.

06:42A pug was a pug.

06:43Okay.

06:44She just runs around the house snorting and stuff and drooling.

06:50And my wife loves her, but yells at her at the same time.

06:53She's like, can we have anything nice?

06:55Why is the expensive dog ruining everything?

06:57Because he's French.

06:58Yeah.

06:58French.

06:59Just sitting in the corner smoking.

07:01Wondering.

07:02Wondering.

07:02And backwards smoke, too.

07:04You call that cooking?

07:08You call that cooking?

07:10It's fine.

07:11She eats everything.

07:12Like my wife will be chopping vegetables and she'll eat carrots and stuff.

07:15And then I'm the dumb one that gives her a little piece of a nectarine and watches foam

07:20come out of her mouth.

07:23Not in that direction.

07:25I'm like, oh, she's eating everything else.

07:27She had a whole chocolate bar yesterday.

07:29I don't understand.

07:29Oh, no, no, no, not that dumb.

07:35Now, what about children?

07:36No, no, you can't breed this.

07:40You got to stop someplace.

07:42I've seen what my parents did, so I have to stop.

07:45Somebody's got to have an intervention at some point.

07:47Now, do you have brothers and sisters?

07:49I have a sister who lives in a smaller Indian village than I grew up in Canada.

07:55And, yeah, she has no kids.

07:57We've disappointed my parents totally.

07:59Yeah, my wife is short, so if we had a child, it would probably be average in everything.

08:05Okay.

08:06All right.

08:06Yeah.

08:07I'm glad because not only comedy, but it does genetics.

08:10Yes.

08:10Well, my wife is gorgeous because that's how entertainment play.

08:15We play over our head.

08:16There's no way.

08:17You've never seen somebody get into entertainment and go, well, she was really nice.

08:24Nobody's ever said that in entertainment.

08:26Everybody's like, well, I've seen the girl that I liked in high school, and yeah, yeah, yeah.

08:35I met a better version of her, and I love her.

08:37I love her very much.

08:39And I'm just happy when she's there when I get home every time.

08:42Yeah, yeah.

08:42And I look like this, so you really don't want to breed that.

08:45Now, are you a hobbyist of any kind?

08:47Or is this something that you do when you're not doing comedy?

08:51I'm very much focused on my career.

08:54When I'm at home, I do podcasts.

08:56I'm writing for shows.

08:58I write for other people.

08:59So I do enjoy continuing.

09:02I enjoy being funny, so I think that's kind of my hobby turned into my career.

09:07What is your podcast?

09:08My podcast is about me buying a house on the Virginia shore.

09:12It's called Ian Bagbott a house.

09:14I picked it up on a short sale, so you have to change things.

09:16My mother-in-law is living in it, and we're turning it into a family vacation home is what's happening.

09:20Okay.

09:21But wait a second.

09:21But your mother-in-law is living in your under-construction house?

09:25Well, you're able to live in it, but things are being changed in it.

09:30And she's one of those ladies, I'm like, Lisa, you've just got to let me know if there's any problems.

09:37Just let me know so I can get ahead of it beforehand if something's bothering me.

09:40But she refuses.

09:42I've been doing bird baths for six weeks, boiling water, because we haven't had a hot water tank.

09:47I'm like, when were you going to tell me that?

09:49When were you going to tell me that?

09:50My wife goes out there.

09:52That's how I find out, and my wife lasts three seconds.

09:54You get a hot water tank in here today if you ever want to touch me again.

09:59And I'm just like, oh, I guess we're not saving any money on the hot water tank.

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