00:00Thank you for the amazing discussion.
00:06My question is, my extended family is dysfunctional, and this has caused conflict between my parents.
00:15And due to poor conflict resolution between them, this issue pops up repeatedly.
00:20In my own life, I try to focus on living my best, but it causes me a lot of grief and sadness to see my parents suffer.
00:31I love my parents very much and try to help them.
00:36And having listened to what you just said, am I correct in understanding that I should look beyond this?
00:43That I can do my best to help them, but I should also just try to help everyone else.
00:50And generally, what should people do when they are in situations like this?
00:55See, in helping somebody who has made a mistake and is suffering because of that,
01:09should we not be sure that we are not repeating the same mistake?
01:17See, all the associations, the bonds and the knots, the familial relationships,
01:31that's what gets bad.
01:40And let's say that got bad for your parents.
01:54Things are not great when it comes to your parents and their relatives, right?
02:00So what's the reason the parents are facing sorrow?
02:14The reason is relationships, right?
02:17Now, when you try to focus exclusively on your parents,
02:31are you two not repeating what they did at a macro level?
02:40Perhaps.
02:41Perhaps.
02:41Yeah.
02:47I guess when you see somebody in conflict and you want to de-escalate that,
02:55but you're not sure how.
03:01You see, it's not just somebody we see in conflict.
03:05We are very selective about the ones we choose to help.
03:10Are we not?
03:11And that might not help the ones we are trying to reach out to.
03:22And there might be many more, far more deserving ones,
03:31just waiting somewhere, just queued up to receive your assistance.
03:38And they are deprived because our exclusive focus is on the ones we are bodily related to.
03:52It doesn't help.
03:54I fully appreciate the sentiment.
03:58We want to do good to the ones.
04:00Sometimes we are related to and we have long stretches of memories with
04:09and all kinds of identifications.
04:12I fully will appreciate that.
04:14But I also know that it doesn't always work this way.
04:18Sometimes what works better is shifting of focus to more appropriate areas.
04:37Remember, nobody can be helped beyond their consent.
04:44That's the nature of life.
04:53Irrespective of how much you want to help someone,
04:59they will decide how much to be helped.
05:01It is not like physical medicine
05:03where you can anesthetize someone and conduct a surgery
05:09even without the consent of the patient
05:12and yet the results might be good.
05:16That can be done at the physical, the gross level.
05:19That cannot be done at the inner level.
05:23Inner...
05:24What is my role if I am witness to the conflict?
05:28And do I just excuse myself
05:33and just say,
05:34you need to figure this out
05:35and I am going to go on a walk
05:38or something like that?
05:39Or do I...
05:41You need to maybe make yourself less available.
05:47Witness is a very pure,
05:50very special word.
05:53You are a witness only when you are not involved at all.
06:01On the other hand,
06:02we are very, very involved.
06:05We are never witnesses.
06:08When you are indeed a witness,
06:11then you witness everything,
06:13not just your own family.
06:16There is so much in the world to be impartially seen.
06:20And if you can look at things at a macro level,
06:23then probably we are close to witnessing.
06:28Right now we are involved.
06:30We are involved for our personal sake.
06:35I am doing it because it is my family.
06:38Now the catch here is,
06:43the very problem has started because of this sentiment.
06:49Right.
06:50You see,
06:50body identification is the mother of all problems.
06:55And then I want to help my parents
06:57because I am bodily identified with them.
07:01How can the problem be extended to become a solution?
07:11So,
07:12it might just help to defocus.
07:14Things take their time.
07:25When you defocus,
07:27you will get a fresh perspective.
07:30You will find that your ability to help
07:32has been enhanced by working on the right people.
07:35and so when the right time presents itself,
07:40you will be in a better position to help even your own family members.
07:44If you are studying medicine,
07:50you don't want to study in a room full of your family members.
07:54Do you?
07:55No.
07:55No.
07:56No.
07:56No.
07:57You want to be away somewhere in a medical college.
08:00And
08:00you want to be away from the din of the family.
08:03And if you are away and do it successfully over there in a college,
08:11then one day probably you might return to treat your family members.
08:15But if you stay with them
08:19and you keep watching their daily tussles
08:25and collisions,
08:28it's no good for any party.
08:34They will continue to do what they do
08:36and you will find that you are developing no muscles to help them or anybody else.
08:42So, I live far away,
08:48but I think what you said also applies to constant communication.
08:52Yeah, yeah.
08:52That's what.
08:53Yeah.
08:54When I said being with them,
08:55that also means...
09:05Welcome.
09:12Welcome.
09:24Welcome.
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