00:00Pranam Acharya ji, my question is, how to break free from seeking external validation?
00:13I keep repeating the same mistake again and again, where am I going wrong?
00:20You see, we are made in a way that we will always have a relationship with the external.
00:33When we say internal, we mean things that we consider as part of the self, all that
00:42we call as internal.
00:44So the body, mind, thoughts, feelings, these we usually call as internal.
00:50And then these objects of senses, the entire big world, these we call as external.
00:57We will always have relationship with the external.
01:05The relationship can be of two very different kinds.
01:10One, when you know yourself and are sure of yourself within.
01:20That is one center to operate from.
01:25And second is when you do not know of yourself.
01:31You have never bothered to be authentic in your thoughts, beliefs, actions, way of life.
01:44Then that is another center one operates from.
01:48See, when one operates from a center of inner ignorance, then it becomes very necessary
02:00to depend on the outer and that is one kind of relationship.
02:11You can be greatly related to the other, very strongly related, very inexorably related
02:22to the other and yet you could be related from the wrong center.
02:29You could say you could be related because of the wrong reasons.
02:36The relationship can be very strong.
02:38The strength of the relationship may not necessarily be an auspicious thing.
02:46You can have very very strong relationship with the external and yet it could be from
02:54a very wrong center.
02:59And what do we mean by wrong?
03:00The center of inner ignorance.
03:05So I am not sure of myself.
03:07So obviously I have to relate very strongly with you to keep asking for direction, to
03:18keep asking for validation and assurance, to keep asking for support like a man very
03:31firmly grips his crutches.
03:42You are not sure of the steadiness of your gait, the firmness of your walk and have you
03:54seen how you very strongly clutch to something which you won't usually do?
04:06It is your weakness that becomes the strength of the relationship.
04:12Inner weakness starts showing up as the strength in the relationship.
04:22That's a very deceptive thing.
04:26All that you will see is a strong relationship but what it is symptomatic of is a weak interior.
04:39What is visible is a strong relationship and what it signifies is a weak interior.
04:50That's usually the case.
04:5899% of what we call as strong relationships belong to this category.
05:04The relationship is strong because the person is weak or the persons are weak.
05:17Hence the relationship is very strong.
05:25The association with the other is mighty, forceful because realization of the self is very weak.
05:45This should be cause for alarm but that's not how human beings are.
05:53We look at the surface of things and draw our conclusions from there.
06:02So two persons walking hand in hand, gripping each other very firmly, that to us is necessarily
06:09a good thing.
06:17A consequence of this sometimes is a period in which the delusion of such a relationship
06:33is broken.
06:34It should be from time to time because such a thing cannot be sustainable.
06:42So for a while you will find a person looking indifferent towards the world.
06:56We start thinking that this is a new kind of relationship with the external.
07:02The first kind of relationship was when you were strongly related to the other, sought
07:09his approval, his guidance, his support, everything.
07:14The other kind of relationship, we think so, is when you don't care about the other and
07:21you say nothing doing with the world and I am on my own.
07:25But both these relationships are from the same center, the center of ignorance and one
07:35is a consequence of the other.
07:37One oscillates between these two.
07:42You come too close to an object, obviously there would be disillusionment and then you
07:50would swing away like a pendulum and for a period it would appear that you are in a
07:56state of dispassion, I am done with the world.
08:08No you are still operating from the same center.
08:12So these two relationships are mirror images of each other.
08:16Let us not be fooled.
08:19But we said relationship is possible from another center as well.
08:25What is that other center?
08:27That is the center of inner assurance.
08:31A thousand times I have looked at myself, talked to myself, observed myself, not once
08:39but continuously and from there I have seen my inner patterns.
08:47I have seen my fears.
08:50I have encountered my inner demons and when I watch these things within myself, I am able
09:05to see the exact same things within others as well.
09:14But others probably are not watching it for themselves.
09:20I have decided that this is important, the watching and I will do it.
09:26I am watching it.
09:28The more I watch the center of all my weaknesses, the more I gain freedom from these weaknesses.
09:42The more I gain freedom from my inner weaknesses, the more I get freedom from the need to depend
09:49on others.
09:56A certain non-weakness arises, I am deliberately not calling it strength.
10:05It is closer to sahajta, just a free flow of consciousness.
10:14Strength is just too aggressive and too outwardly directed.
10:20We can probably avoid it for now or maybe we need not avoid it.
10:27Getting it?
10:31There is a freedom from fear and a freedom from the care of consequences.
10:44So now I need not depend on others.
10:50Now I need not have a relationship with others, need not have but just as I could see my own
10:59inner situation, I can also see that similar situation prevails in others.
11:08And from this, a totally different kind of relationship is born.
11:15When I hold hands, not with the purpose of gaining strength, but with the purpose of
11:30offering strength, from out there, the situation from both the centers might look similar.
11:45Two persons stand holding hands, but the inner reality is dimensionally different.
12:01In one case, you were holding hands because you were just so weak, you could not be independent.
12:09In the other situation, you are so strong that you can afford to be independent but
12:14real strength, sahajita, non-weakness, that real flow of consciousness, real strength
12:22brings compassion in its wake and that's what makes you hold hands.
12:32Holding hands in itself does not prove anything.
12:39Espousing a noble cause in life, that too in itself proves nothing.
12:47There are just so many people who turn towards charitable activities just so that they avoid
12:54looking at the inner vacuum.
13:04The fellow had a breakup. Next day, he was leading a campaign, say no to plastics.
13:13That won't do, sir. That won't do.
13:21The day you find somebody else, you will be throwing plastics and rubber all around.
13:31No, not that way.
13:47Operating from the right center, that's what matters.
13:52Otherwise, you might handholds with a man, an object, a woman, a cause, an animal, anything
14:01and it just does not end rightly.
14:20You could call it boring or you could call it very interesting,
14:22how everything ultimately boils down to the point you are operating from.
14:27Are relationships good? I don't know. Are relationships bad? I don't know.
14:31Depends on where you are coming from.
14:36Depends on where you are coming from.
14:57The funny part is when you do not know your own limits and weaknesses,
15:06when you do not know how to assess your own interiors,
15:12which is probably an easier thing to do because you are always available to yourself to observe.
15:19How will you ever know who to seek help from?
15:27People ask, how do we know what lies inside that other person?
15:33Especially young people. They say, how do we know whether the other is a fraudster or a gangster or what?
15:43He is knocking at the doors of my life. How do I know what kind of character he is?
15:48The funny part is, sir, how will you know the other person when you have never known yourself?
15:56This is the easier task among the two.
16:01What is easier, knowing yourself or knowing that person there in that chair?
16:10I do not know myself but I feel very sure that this one is the right one for me.
16:16Funny.
16:20I feel very confident of my decision. This one is the right one for me.
16:26I will seek help from that one.
16:31I cannot read anything. My eyes are gone.
16:35So, I am scrolling through the ads to determine the right doctor for me, the eye doctor.
16:45Ophthalmologist.
16:48Because I cannot see anything. Hence, I am reading all the ads.
16:52And from this, I will confidently arrive at a decision. This one is the right eye doctor for me.
17:04And we managed to feel very confident, no?
17:07Finally, you know, we had the right vibes and relationship
17:14progressed in such a natural and effortless way.
17:17We knew we were for each other and such things.
17:25So, do you even know what effortlessness means?
17:28Intuitively, we feel made for each other. So, do you even know what intuition means?
17:35But there is a certain security in feeling confident. So, we give ourselves that liberty.
17:43Just say, I feel confident. Just say, you will feel so good.
17:50The ego is so afraid of uncertainty, you know.
17:52Loves to declare, I am now confident.
18:04It's a thing that takes time and dedication. You have to be with yourself continuously.
18:15That's when you start gaining some assurance about yourself.
18:23And that's what empowers you to be reasonably assured of the other.
18:33Not bothering to go to the doctor.
18:35Not bothering to go inside. You feel all the more incentivized to just rush outside.
18:55And that will lead to all kinds of things in the relationship. Fear, dependence, violence, jealousy.
19:01I am gripping something for dear life. Will I ever let go of this?
19:17Is this love? Is this love?
19:24And if this one wants to go and have a walk, some fresh air,
19:29first of all, I will beg. I will say, I will lie at your feet.
19:38I am prepared to give anything that you want. But please don't leave.
19:45And if this one still insists on leaving,
19:47and why not? My life depends on this.
19:53This leaves, my life leaves. Why will I allow my life to leave? I would rather.
20:03Is there anything as violent as love?
20:08That's why. Because what do you do? What do you do with your life?
20:13That's why. Because what we call as love is nothing but an expression of the inner darkness.
20:20Inner darkness turned into a relationship. That's what we call as love.
20:27Is this somewhat answering the question? Yes. Thank you so much.
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