Toxic relationships, and the perfect breakup || Acharya Prashant, archives (2020)

Acharya Prashant

‍♂️ Want to meet Acharya Prashant? Be a part of the Live Sessions: https://acharyaprashant.org/hi/enquir...  ⚡ Want Acharya Prashant’s regular updates? Join WhatsApp Channel: https://whatsapp.com/channel/0029Va6Z...   Want to read Acharya Prashant's Books? Get Free Delivery: https://acharyaprashant.org/en/books?...   Want to accelerate Acharya Prashant’s work? Contribute: https://acharyaprashant.org/en/contri...   Want to work with Acharya Prashant? Apply to the Foundation here: https://acharyaprashant.org/en/hiring...  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~  Video Information: Interview Session, 12.02.20, Greater Noida, India  Context: How to maintain a good relationship? What is the right time to be into a relationship? What is relationship? How to make relationship healthy? When and how a relationship turns into a toxic relationship? How to choose a life partner?  What is real love? Is live-in relationship sign of degradation of our culture?  Music Credits: Milind Date ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ .

Transcript

00:00Acharyaji, I wanted to talk more about relationships and I want to talk about toxic relationships.

00:09When is it and how is it that a relationship turns toxic?

00:20We have to go to the very beginning of the relationship.

00:28Most of the times a relationship does not really turn toxic.

00:37It is toxic in its inception, in its genesis itself.

00:45It says that the toxicity remains hidden when things are rosy and pink.

00:55And when the situations change and things turn a little adverse, then the toxicity surfaces

01:06and we feel as if the relationship has turned sour or toxic, it hasn't.

01:13How are relationships founded in the first place?

01:17Tell me how does that happen?

01:20So it's usually a common, someone you see more often.

01:27Usually what happens is if you're in the same class, so somebody you get familiar with.

01:32You see them around a lot or they approach you.

01:36First thing is somebody has to be in your sensual field, the field of the senses.

01:41And then why does one feel attracted to that particular object?

01:46Because they fit a certain model that you like.

01:49More explicitly, how do most relationships take place?

01:55You have a certain need and you feel that the other person can fulfill it.

01:58It could be emotional, physical, sometimes even financial.

02:05So what's usually that need about?

02:14Why does a man feel attracted to a woman?

02:17Why does a woman go towards a man?

02:20What's the nature of the need?

02:22So they feel a certain lack, maybe, that the other person can help them with a certain

02:28insecurity.

02:29A certain lack, a certain insecurity, right?

02:33So that's how the relationship begins in the first place.

02:41You lack something within and to make up for it, you're going to the other person.

02:47You're looking at the other person primarily in a utilitarian way.

02:53You want to use the other person.

02:56If you really want to understand things, we'll have to be blunt, right?

03:01You want to use the other person.

03:05It's not very different from exploitation.

03:08It appears like love, but you just want to use the other person as something that would

03:16plug a hole here or here or somewhere, right?

03:21Yeah, absolutely.

03:23The woman, for example, might have been conditioned by the body or the society to have somebody

03:29walking by her side.

03:32The man might again be driven by his physical needs or peer pressure to demonstrate that

03:39he too carries a partner or a consort.

03:46So that's how people feel attracted.

03:49Somebody's body is attractive.

03:51Somebody looks a super achiever.

03:54Somebody carries a lot of money.

03:57Somebody's quite famous.

04:00And then you get drawn towards that person, right?

04:04Why?

04:05Because that's something that you would want to add to yourself.

04:10Can I have her body available to me?

04:13That will fulfill a certain need.

04:15Can I have her money available to me?

04:18Can I have his prestige or his power available to me?

04:24That would compensate for my lack of these things.

04:28So that's what is happening.

04:30Now the need that is there, somehow it happens that it never can get fulfilled.

04:40Be it a man, be it a woman, be it any person, all of us feel a certain hollow within.

04:47There is a void.

04:48There is an emptiness, an incompletion that constantly bugs us.

04:55We feel it.

04:56We feel it and it is for the sake of filling up that hollow that we work so much, that

05:06we do much of what we do, including striking relationships.

05:13So that's how you get associated with someone.

05:15But we said the need cannot really be met by anybody.

05:20So what would happen now?

05:25I have brought something home and that which I have brought home is not doing what I expected

05:33it to do.

05:34Won't I be annoyed?

05:35Resentment.

05:36There is resentment.

05:37There would be resentment.

05:41And in many cases it can take the form of very obvious toxicity.

05:53You may even get physically violent.

06:00Or there could be micro-episodes of subtle violence continuously.

06:08You might probably be cultured or sophisticated enough to not physically beat up the other.

06:14But through your expressions, through subtle hints, gestures, through all those little

06:23things that we do throughout the day with our partners.

06:28Because we know their buttons.

06:29We know their buttons.

06:31So we can play around with things.

06:33All the non-verbal communication and all such stuff.

06:37So we keep on beating up the other in subtle ways.

06:45We keep on hitting the other, hurting the other.

06:49Why?

06:50Because we are hurt in the first place that the other is not giving me what I really need.

06:55That's at the root of toxicity.

06:57A relationship that is founded on flawed principles in the first place.

07:04And if the relationship is flawed in the first place, then you cannot avoid toxicity later on.

07:12Toxicity is bound to surface.

07:17So the common refrain that is there and the poetic expression that says that relationships

07:24have changed.

07:26Poets love to put it that way.

07:28They say, you know, relationships have changed, much like the weather.

07:34And then we, in a very nostalgic way, look back at the past and say, you know, she used

07:41to be so great till five years ago and now he or she is no more the same person and so

07:49much has changed.

07:50The fact is, nothing really has changed.

07:52It's just become more clear.

07:54It's just become more clear, more apparent.

07:56In fact, the thing has become more honest now.

07:59Thing has become more honest.

08:02So we need to, first of all, stop blaming fortune or circumstances.

08:08It's not that the weather has changed.

08:10It's not that outside situations have made one or both persons change to something else.

08:19On the contrary, we continue to remain who we are.

08:23We were ignorant people when the relationship was founded and we are ignorant even right

08:28now.

08:29So actually we have just not changed.

08:34Actually we have just not changed.

08:35The relationship has just not changed.

08:38Maybe she is your girlfriend of 20 years vintage.

08:41Maybe the relationship took place when both of you were 16.

08:45And maybe now you are 36 and you keep breaking each other's head.

08:49It appears that in 20 years so much has changed, but the fact is that both these 36 year olds

08:54are still 16 or not even 16 in the mental sense.

08:59They have not changed.

09:01Because change in the positive, in the affirmative sense is about growing up.

09:05You have not grown up.

09:07So the old toxicity is just finding expression.

09:13So it's also maybe if I would understand it, I would understand it that if you're not learning

09:19from life, then life kind of hits you harder and harder and harder.

09:22Yes, yes.

09:23Life keeps peeling layers off your personality.

09:30And beneath all these layers is hidden the toxic core.

09:35What life and time and experience do is that they keep on removing the veneers, the layers

09:42that hide what lies within us.

09:47So things get exposed.

09:48Of course, life also keeps adding layers.

09:50But then that's a different thing.

09:54So why do people not leave such relationships once you see that it is a toxic relationship

10:00or maybe they don't see it.

10:01But you can see that day in and day out you're getting into the same violence, same extortion,

10:10same embarrassment, awkwardness.

10:15So why do people just not leave?

10:17Or would you advise them to leave in the first place?

10:20Leave as in physically leave?

10:21Physically as in at least be separate from each other.

10:23So in the sense of not staying together, not being in the relationship, not staying in

10:28the same house or the same room.

10:29That's what you mean by splitting up.

10:31Right.

10:32The thing is, sometimes a lot you do better when you're away from that person.

10:37You see, that might be a temporary kind of measure.

10:45And that measure might be needed sometimes to temporarily stop seeing the other or stop

10:51staying with the other, living with the other.

10:55But then that won't help much.

11:00The real solution to toxicity is maturity.

11:08This kind of separation is advisable only to those who do not have the appetite for

11:20maturity.

11:25If they say that we cannot have the real solution, we do not have it in us to implement the real

11:32solution, just give us some kind of, you know, a painkiller, we can't have a surgery,

11:43just give us some analgesic that we can keep on having continuously and somehow subside

11:49our pain.

11:50Then maybe this would work for them, right?

11:53Separate physically, break up or go for a divorce.

11:59But that's not the real solution, that's not the real solution.

12:03The real solution is to see what is really going on.

12:08The real solution is to first of all heal oneself by acknowledging in an honest way

12:16that one is not a victim, at least not a victim of the other.

12:23One is just suffering due to his own mischief and ignorance.

12:27The moment you stop charging the other or holding the other responsible for your problems,

12:40much changes.

12:43You have to see that you are responsible for the rut you are in.

12:47And not only are you responsible for the rut you are in, you are probably to some degree

12:53also responsible for the rut the other is in.

12:59And then not only do you stop totally vilifying the other, it is possible that you may even

13:09develop some kind of a compassion towards the other.

13:17Otherwise, blame and vilification are so easy, are they not?

13:28I am in a toxic relationship usually translates to the other fellow is toxic.

13:36I am in a toxic relationship means the other fellow is toxic.

13:40I do not advise people to separate usually.

13:49Not because I am an advocate of marital continuity.

13:56Not because I am some kind of an anti-divorce activist or something.

14:02Not that I am in great awe of the traditional institution of family and marriage.

14:10Not for those reasons.

14:12It is because I see it as an act of escapism and cowardice.

14:23To just drop the other person and run away should be absolutely the last option.

14:31And that last option should be exercised after you have honestly tried everything else and

14:37it has failed.

14:40999 out of 1000 times, something would work out for you.

14:47It is not that everything would be insufficient.

14:51When absolutely nothing seems to be working, then fine, leave the other person and even

14:58then the leaving or separation part, I feel must be temporary.

15:05Never strike someone permanently out of your life.

15:12Nobody deserves this kind of apathy or hatred.

15:18You can do that.

15:19You can very well say, no, no, no, I don't want to carry this relationship or that person

15:24forward anymore with me.

15:26Do that.

15:28But that would leave you a little smaller than what you could have been.

15:41The decision to chuck somebody out from your life would leave you a little poorer.

15:50It would deprive you of a certain richness in life.

15:58So it is not merely the other that you are hurting by kicking him out or by yourself

16:05walking out.

16:06You are hurting yourself as well.

16:11An obstinate person is a headache, is a challenge, when I say obstinate, I mean obstinately toxic.

16:21So an obstinately toxic person is a challenge but also an opportunity, is he not?

16:26Now if you take up that opportunity and really fight hard to win it, then it leads to your

16:37own betterment, enrichment, you become somebody bigger, deeper, more profound.

16:49So don't try to quickly run away from someone.

16:52That also does not mean that you continue to bear violence or hardships or abuse, no

17:04not at all, not at all.

17:06Obviously that is something that you have to take care of by whatever means.

17:13The emphasis is on not quitting.

17:24And when I say not quitting, I do not mean that the husband must not quit as husband

17:29and the wife must not quit as the wife.

17:32Do quit as a husband, no issues, but never quit as a person.

17:37Don't forget that you have been with this fellow for 2 years or 20 years, whatsoever.

17:45You have spent a part of your life with this person and it's an opportunity, it's a part

17:54of your basic humanity, it's a part of being human, not to dump the other when the other

18:03too is in distress.

18:08You might say, but the other does not look in distress, the other is in fact an exploiter,

18:12a violent person.

18:15One who is doing all these things, shouting, shrieking, biting, hitting, scratching, is

18:24surely not in a good mental state, right?

18:30See whether you can be man enough or woman enough to really redeem that person.

18:41It is very alright, I said, to change the name of the relationship.

18:45You need not carry the same names that you gave yourself at the beginning of the relationship.

18:52In fact, you should give up those names as early as possible because it is those names

18:59that are at the root of toxicity.

19:01Don't carry those names.

19:04Drop those names, but don't drop the person, please.

19:08So husband-wife relationship, violent, let's say, so how do you stop being the wife suddenly?

19:16Or how do you stop being the husband?

19:18If needed, move out of the house, no issues.

19:22If needed, move out of the house.

19:24See what practical arrangement you can make for the kids.

19:27See whether you want to take the kids out with you, but then for that you need to have

19:30financial independence, which I hope you have.

19:33I hope the relationship has not lulled you into a kind of an imaginary comfort in which

19:40you decide not to earn anything and depend on the income of the other.

19:45If that is happening, then the first thing in gaining freedom from this toxicity is financial

19:50independence.

19:51Go find a job for yourself.

19:55If needed, quit that house, but not that person, because permanently blacklisting a

20:05person is almost like killing a part of yourself.

20:10Heal.

20:11When a patient comes to you, it probably is easier to declare him a hopeless case and

20:22let him expire on the table.

20:25But it requires somebody fantastic to take up the challenge and cure that person.

20:34A lot of times why people, when I mean leave, it's like leave the house in that sense.

20:43A lot of times people are worried about getting out of that relationship.

20:49Because one is financially independent and they move out to another.

20:53So I mean, what I understand is self-love, like first you have to heal and only then

20:58can you heal, because otherwise if you've not healed yourself, then how do you expect

21:04to even help the other?

21:06Right.

21:07See, that will tell you why the relationship is bad in the first place.

21:17You probably enjoy dependency.

21:21You probably have no spiritual basis to the relationship.

21:28Now this dependency was a very happy thing as long as you were being provided for by

21:35that person.

21:38But now the same dependency keeps you arrested and restricted in the household.

21:47So now you don't like it.

21:48You don't like it.

21:49Now you say, oh, what do I do?

21:51I'm so dependent.

21:52How do I move out?

21:54Why don't you stay in the same breath that you were quietly and happily enjoying the

22:01same dependence for the first five or ten years?

22:06Yeah.

22:07Right.

22:08So always be very, very sure of the solidity of the fundamentals.

22:17Even when everything seems to be going right in a relationship, keep checking.

22:22Have I become dependent?

22:25Have I become exploitative?

22:27Have I started holding expectations?

22:30Has the other started holding expectations?

22:34Is the other blocking my view of the larger universe?

22:41Has the other become too central to my mind, my thoughts?

22:47Has the other started occupying my inner space to an extent that may be called unhealthy?

22:56These are the things that you should check for when there are no troubling symptoms.

23:04Even when the symptoms appear, it is already too late.

23:09Getting it?

23:14Relationship going bad is a euphemism really, and it does not really clarify what is going

23:24on.

23:25Relationship going bad means the minds of the two people in the relationship are bad.

23:32And if their minds are bad, it's not only this one particular mutual relationship that

23:37would be bad.

23:40All their relationships with all possible conceivable objects in the universe would

23:45either be bad or waiting to show up as bad.

23:52So a bad relationship fundamentally indicates a bad mind.

23:56And what is a bad mind?

23:57When I say a bad mind, I am not talking in the sense of morality or ethics.

24:01A bad mind is one that does not know itself.

24:05A mind that has no self-knowledge is a bad mind.

24:09A mind that is obsessed with the world and its enthralling objects is a bad mind.

24:17That's a bad mind.

24:20You should have some clarity about what is really going on.

24:23You should know your body, you should know your thoughts, passions, emotions.

24:27You should have some inclination towards self-enquiry.

24:35If you do not have it, then you will suffer.

24:39Relationships just bring out the ignorance within us.

24:43So we blame relationships.

24:44Actually it is ourselves that we have to blame.

24:47I think Oshoji also said this once, that in relationships you find out who you are.

24:57In who you are.

24:58Everybody, I mean, Krishnamurthy was fond of saying this.

25:05But one cannot take that sentence and enter into a relationship to know themselves.

25:10Everybody is already in a relationship, you see.

25:14If you are not formally or physically related to a person, aren't you still related to

25:21that person's idea?

25:25One might be chasing a girl and the girl is not responding.

25:30So it appears that there is no relationship.

25:33But the fact is that the boy is obsessed with her and there exists a strong relationship,

25:38maybe not with the body of the girl, but with the idea of the girl.

25:41So Krishnamurthy is perfectly right when he says one knows himself only in relationships.

25:48But then that does not mean that you have to have an additional relationship to know

25:54yourself.

25:55You are already neck deep in relationships.

25:57Everybody is.

26:00What does that mean, being neck deep in relationship?

26:02The inner sense that we have, that I, the ego thing, it lives in such incompleteness

26:09that it is always attached to somebody.

26:12It always describes itself with respect to somebody else.

26:16For example, I am a worker.

26:23I am somebody's friend.

26:26I am a rich man.

26:28I belong to such religion.

26:31So along with the I, there exists something else that helps define the I.

26:39That's ego.

26:41Ego is the I-sense that cannot define itself without the help of an external object.

26:50Since the external object, the ego starts feeling asphyxiated.

26:55It has nothing to really base itself on.

27:05We are always related.

27:07We must know what we are doing, why we are getting related, why I must have this, this

27:15or this.

27:16What does the universe mean to me?

27:18What does this piece of clothing mean to me?

27:21I must really ask these questions.

27:24Without these questions, one is pushing himself into a lot of trouble.

27:35Another thing I must add, you are talking about why people continue to be in toxic relationships.

27:44Never forget that man is fundamentally pleasure-seeking.

27:51The wise ones who knew a few things, they would say that the nature of the self is joy.

28:04The nature of self is joy.

28:06And what is joy?

28:08Joy is pleasure or happiness that does not depend on anything else.

28:16So the nature of the true and pure self is joy.

28:19And joy is freedom.

28:20Because joy implies no dependence on anything.

28:25I am not happy for some reason.

28:28Joy is happiness without a reason.

28:31Therefore joy is happiness without a beginning, without an end.

28:34Therefore joy is happiness without a definition.

28:38The nature of the ego is a little removed from the nature of the pure self.

28:45Pure self is joy.

28:47Ego is pleasure-seeking.

28:50So whatsoever the ego does, it does for the sake of pleasure.

28:55That's what we mean when we say I want to be happy.

28:58I want to be happy.

28:59I want to be happy.

29:00So when someone says, oh, I am suffering so much in a toxic relationship and I am yet

29:04continuing to tolerate it, then he is just stating only half the story either ignorantly

29:13or deliberately.

29:16The fact is if you are tolerating a toxic relationship, you are deriving some pleasure

29:20out of it.

29:22The ego cannot do anything without getting something from that thing.

29:28So if a lady comes to you and says, I get beaten up and all the abusive things happen

29:33to me and yet, you know, I choose to remain in the household, then she is not telling

29:40you the full story.

29:42The full story is she is still seeing some benefit in staying put, otherwise she would

29:50have just walked out long back.

29:53So you must ask her.

29:55What is it that you are tolerating all such abuse for?

30:00What is the return that you get?

30:02What is the return that you are getting?

30:03She might not be very willing to acknowledge because it is a little awkward, indeed shameful.

30:10But then that payoff surely exists.

30:14One has to give up the greed for that payoff.

30:19Once you have gone beyond the greed to get something in return for your humiliation,

30:31then you find that you are free of your humiliation.

30:35Nothing really happens to us without our consent.

30:38Don't I say that very often?

30:42Get rid of greed and that freedom from greed is spiritual advancement.

30:50Otherwise how can you have freedom from greed?

30:52Freedom from greed is not some kind of a bold decision coming from nowhere.

31:00Freedom from greed comes only from deep clarity about the nature of the self.

31:06Once you know who you are, only then it becomes possible to drop greed.

31:11Once you drop greed, you also drop fear and humiliation and all the misbehavior that you

31:17tolerate.

31:21Can I say that if you drop greed, you can save yourself from being exploited?

31:27Obviously.

31:28Because you see, it's a trade-off.

31:31You humiliate me, at the same time you offer me something and when I weigh the humiliation

31:38against what I am getting, I find what I am getting outweighs the humiliation.

31:44So I am prepared to take the humiliation.

31:46Now outwardly and to others, I might keep saying that I do not like what is going on.

31:52But the fact is, it's a happy trade-off.

31:56So people don't end relationships because there…

31:59Because there does exist a trade-off which they still take to be beneficial.

32:04If you really want to advise, counsel such people, you will have to demonstrate to them

32:09that the payoff is not positive, that the kind of abuse that they are tolerating or

32:16the kind of loss of life they are bearing is far more damaging and bigger than any perceived

32:30benefits that they might be getting.

32:38So that's where you, you know, draw the line, in a sense.

32:43See the moment it becomes clear to someone that in a particular situation, he is losing,

32:49then you don't have to tell him to what to do next.

32:54Just bring that clarity to him that here you are getting so much, but in the process

33:00of getting this much, you are compromising or sacrificing so much.

33:06That's all.

33:07Now the fellow will decide for himself and act on his own.

33:12And when in this case, one is made to realize that, you know, the take, that you are losing

33:18out way more than what you are getting, is there a feeling, is there a leaving out?

33:26Do you leave the relationship or do you understand this, heal yourself and then come back and

33:31help the other?

33:33It's not a, there is no absolute answer possible to this, right?

33:42Going to the basis of your question, when you say the relationship has exploitation

33:49in it, what does exploitation mean?

33:53My self-interest is different from your self-interest, therefore I can eat you up to maximize my

34:01self-interest.

34:02That is exploitation.

34:03Correct?

34:04What is at the basis of exploitation?

34:06The concept, the feeling that I am different from you, my self-interest is separate from

34:14your self-interest.

34:15Right?

34:16Now this is exploitation.

34:20To cure exploitation, if I recommend walking out as the only way possible, then what am

34:28I saying?

34:30I am defending my self-interest by walking out, quitting you, dumping you, am I then

34:37not still the same person who was previously playing the game of exploitation?

34:45At the root of exploitation is the feeling of separation, division, right?

34:51I am me, you are you, I can exploit you and be a bigger me, that's exploitation.

34:57I walk out.

34:58And why did I walk out?

34:59To take care of my personal peace.

35:02Am I still not the one who was thinking previously in the language of division?

35:11So this walking out then will not be very beneficial.

35:16Therefore one has to take quitting or walking out just as a temporary thing, right?

35:25Freedom from exploitation is very incomplete without compassion.

35:30Not only you have to end your own exploitation, you also have to bring compassion to the other

35:37and these two must go hand in hand.

35:40Obviously there might be some phase lag between these two.

35:45One may come first, the other may come later.

35:48There might even be a gap of many years between these two.

35:51But these two will exist together.

35:55You cannot have just one of them.

35:59You cannot say that to save my skin, I broke out of the house like one breaks out of a

36:03jail and then I never turn back to look at what is happening in the house.

36:10It doesn't happen this way, it cannot happen this way.

36:13If you break out of the house just to take care of your own self-interest, then wherever

36:18you go, you would find that you are still caught in the cycle of exploitation and suffering.

36:27If you really want to end exploitation and suffering, then you have to take care of yourself

36:32and also try to do as much good to the other as possible.

36:36So it's a full circle, it's not…

36:40It's a full circle.

36:41You cannot just take care of only yourself.

36:44You see, if I take care of just myself, then how am I different from the exploiter?

36:50Is he not following the same principle?

36:55He too is saying I am taking care of just myself.

36:58And I say, I too want to just take care of myself, so I'm walking out, I'll go settle

37:03in some other place and be happy.

37:07So you become the exploiter.

37:09You become the exploiter.

37:10And now the exploiter has fully won.

37:13He has totally converted you.

37:14He has made one of him.

37:18Now you belong to his creed.

37:21So the way to get out of the relationship would be to understand…

37:25To not remain the person who entered the relationship.

37:30That's the way to spiritually break up.

37:35When you break up in the material way, you leave the house.

37:38When you break up in the spiritual way, you leave who you are.

37:42That's a great break up.

37:43And in this break up, the other person will not even know that you have broken up.

37:48Because externally you will appear just the same.

37:51Internally you are no more the same person.

37:53Break up.

37:54I didn't break up with you.

37:55I broke up with myself.

37:57Fine.

37:58So you cannot really charge me or blame me.

38:08Part of breaking up.

38:09Yes.

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