- 8 minutes ago
Polyamory, also known as, Ethical Non-Monogamy, is picking up on the dating apps, and becoming more of a conventional norm. On this episode of Truth Told, Lexy meets with different polyamorous couples to learn how their relationships came to be and how it has had a positive impact on everyone, individually.
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00:00We know that people are, you know, staring at us. We get it.
00:03There's always one person in the room who's like giving us like the dirtiest sneer.
00:06It's always an older person.
00:08I call it the three-head turn.
00:10I kiss her and like she kisses Sarah and it's...
00:16Oh, okay, you know?
00:23Los Angeles.
00:25Land of sunshine, celebrities, and a dating scene unlike any other.
00:30After ending a long-term relationship, I'm back.
00:33But this time the buzz on the dating apps is different.
00:36And everyone is talking about something called ethical non-monogamy.
00:41So what does it mean?
00:42And why are so many people trying it?
00:45We were conditioned to believe you have to be with one person.
00:49And a lot of people feel very messed up about it.
00:52This is Audrea and Julian.
00:54They're married.
00:55But their relationship is a little different from what you'd expect.
00:59They're ethically non-monogamous or polyamorous.
01:02Which means they have sex and relationships, both casual and serious, with other people.
01:08I see it as a gift that he can be with other people and I can be with other people.
01:13And it makes us grow deeper because we can be completely honest and open.
01:18Honestly, we find it pretty hot.
01:20It's hot, mate.
01:22It turns out this isn't just a niche LA trend.
01:25It's not new.
01:27The New York Times points out that a 2017 survey found 20% of adults would try some version of
01:34non-monogamy.
01:35Even Gen Z celebs like Willow Smith are trying it.
01:38Like us humans, dating apps are also evolving.
01:43Audrea seems to have this complicated trend figured out and agreed to be my guide.
01:49First stop, visiting her while she records her sex-positive podcast.
01:54Hi, everyone.
01:55Welcome to Make Love, the podcast.
01:58Your guide to love, sex, and empowerment in a sex-positive era where connection is more important than ever.
02:04Julia and I are primaries.
02:06I have someone I've been seeing infrequently for two years.
02:10Someone I've been seeing for two months.
02:13Someone who lives in Thailand, but we stay connected.
02:16We plan to see each other again.
02:19We also have a couple we play with, Eli and Gao.
02:22We've seen them quite a few times and they're very special to us.
02:25It's not sexy to feel like I'm restraining my partner emotionally.
02:31Right.
02:32I said emotionally.
02:34Recently, my husband was actually feeling a little jealous.
02:38I had met my current boyfriend and he was a bit weary about how much I liked him.
02:43I knew he also needed exposure therapy.
02:46He just needed to meet him to realize I like this guy because he's a super nice, great guy.
02:52Julian, what was it like meeting your wife's new boyfriend?
02:56I've met people that she's dated in the past and she's met people that I've dated in the past.
03:01But I think I was a bit nervous about this one in particular because there was some similarities maybe I
03:06was drawing.
03:06Maybe comparisons.
03:07It all happened, you know, so naturally.
03:12Yeah, it was great.
03:13We just hung out and got along instantly.
03:15Getting confused?
03:17Me too.
03:18Let's map it out.
03:19All right, so Audria and Julian are in a committed relationship.
03:25They play with, so have sex, date, all that stuff with Galeron and Eli who are also in a committed
03:33relationship.
03:34Audria sees both of them.
03:37Julian just sees Galeron.
03:40And then Audria is also in a serious relationship as well as her Thailand boyfriend as well as her second
03:50LA boyfriend who's here.
03:52Galeron and Eli are not in a relationship with anyone else right now, but they're looking for a relationship that
03:58they can be in together.
03:59Julian is not in any other relationships right now, but he's open to one.
04:03And Audria and Julian are also interested in looking for a relationship right now that they can share.
04:09Audria's second LA boyfriend here has five relationships.
04:15One of them is a primary partner and then his primary partner also has a primary partner.
04:22He has a serious relationship here.
04:26And this person that he's in a serious relationship with is also in two serious relationships.
04:32Wait, I'm losing track now.
04:34One, two, three.
04:37Audria's second LA boyfriend's primary partner's primary partner.
04:44I wonder if we have the whole alphabet yet.
04:48I think I understand now.
04:50This world of ethical non-monogamy has a lot of phrases in it that are brand new to me.
04:56So I'm hoping before you start you can kind of define some of those for me.
04:59Yeah, absolutely.
05:00Okay, so ethical non-monogamy.
05:02Making sure everyone knows what's going on and consents to it.
05:06Polyamory.
05:07Polyamory is when you have the ability to love more than one person at one time.
05:12Open relationship.
05:13That's where the two partners have other partners.
05:17Solo poly.
05:19That's when someone doesn't have a primary, but they're ethically dating multiple people at the same time.
05:25Compersion, which is a word I've been hearing a lot.
05:27I love compersion.
05:29So that's when you feel pleasure from your partner feeling pleasure.
05:33Thruple.
05:34Is when there's three people and everyone's involved with each other.
05:38So all three people are dating each other.
05:43Meet Jay, Sarah, and Kate.
05:46A happy thruple.
05:49I'm not the mack or the pimp in this situation.
05:51I say it all the time.
05:51It's fucking Sarah.
05:53Okay?
05:53No, but like really though.
05:55Because we've been together for seven years.
05:57She started dating me and then she started dating my girlfriend.
05:59So like who's really got all the juice?
06:06I've been with Kate for seven years.
06:09Sarah and I have been together for just over like a year and a half.
06:14We've been together, the three of us, for a year.
06:19Coming into that I was actually a little nervous.
06:22They have such a strong bond and they have so much history and then I didn't know.
06:25Like it took me like a month and a half to even want to spend time in the same room
06:28with both of them.
06:29If it seems like a lot of work, that's because, well, it is.
06:35What would you say have been some of the struggles when you first started this relationship?
06:43Communication.
06:44Communication.
06:45Communication.
06:47We're so busy all together that finding time all together is hard.
06:51So then finding time for family, for friends, for those other people in our lives is like, it's all a
06:55delicate balance.
06:56And it's the same thing like with regular affection.
06:59You have to make sure, you know, if you're kissing one person that you're always considering that other person.
07:03And, you know, and considering their feelings and keeping everything even.
07:07So it's hard.
07:08If one has an orgasm, the other has to have an orgasm.
07:10It's a lot there.
07:11It's fair.
07:11It's all right.
07:17How has becoming non-monogamous changed your sex life?
07:21I think it's only gotten better.
07:22Yeah, it's amped it up actually.
07:24And how do you meet people?
07:25I mean, it really depends.
07:27You know, we've met people in real life through friends.
07:30We've met people through dating apps.
07:31I've met people just traveling in different cities.
07:34And play parties.
07:36And what's a play party?
07:38It's a sex party.
07:41That's where we met the couple who we see.
07:43The first time we actually like had sex, all three of us together.
07:47That's very impressive.
07:48Sarah stopped in the middle.
07:49I was like, five stars on Yelp J.
07:51You're doing so good.
07:52Just doing so good.
07:53How do you think that exploring polyamory has changed your sexuality?
07:58I was raised in such a Christian construct of marriage.
08:03And I was just like, I love men.
08:06Like, and so like that was just, I just thought that was just the normal.
08:09And I never even thought to date a girl.
08:11Kate, Sarah, and Andrea all identify as bisexual.
08:15And now, like wow, I'm so glad that I've been able to love a woman and like have that experience.
08:23I would love to date other women.
08:25I just don't know how, so I'm glad.
08:28While sexually free, it's far from a free for all.
08:32Participants create their own rules, which can be complicated.
08:36If your partner agrees to entertain the idea, then the next step is to outline rules and boundaries.
08:41It's very important to think about all possible situations.
08:45So what are your rules currently?
08:48We want to know about things ahead of time.
08:51Nothing in our own bed unless it's together.
08:54We are the only ones who are fluid bonded with each other.
08:57What's fluid bonded?
08:59Unprotected sex.
09:01Oh, no sexting.
09:03You know, he goes, so you guys are just those people who just like to fuck everybody, right?
09:08No, just no.
09:10There's a lot more emotion in it than you think.
09:12I don't allow myself to view myself or anyone that I'm with as property.
09:16Period.
09:17That's really what it's about for me above anything.
09:18Like, I don't ever want to be an oppressive force in anyone's life or chain anyone to anything
09:24because we're all people.
09:26Some daters do use ethical non-monogamy for easy hookups.
09:30But many follow the tenets of Janet Hardy's The Ethical Slut.
09:34A handbook of sorts that preaches compromise, openness, and honesty.
09:39People think that because there's three of us, we're just like having threesomes all the time.
09:43But I just ask them like, well, do you have sex all the time?
09:47Because there's a lot of factors there.
09:49Right.
09:50You gotta have the time.
09:51Yeah.
09:51Feel sexy.
09:53You know, two women could be on their periods.
09:55Like, there's so much there.
09:56Have the energy.
09:58Have the privacy.
09:59Like, all those things need to come into play to like even have that level of intimacy.
10:03A lot of people think that the couple is unsatisfied.
10:07They're unhappy.
10:08And that's why they have to seek other relationships, which is also not true.
10:12This thinking that it's all about the guy.
10:15That the guy just wants to sleep around.
10:19Which is also not true.
10:21There's lots of women who would love to explore.
10:24I also want to take a moment to say that sometimes it's totally appropriate to take a break from being
10:29open.
10:30If you and your main partner are fighting a lot, then it's really not the right time to be going
10:35on dates with other people.
10:37Jealousy was a whole other...
10:39Jealousy is a whole hurdle.
10:41Pill, yeah.
10:41Still, you know?
10:42Still is.
10:43I think the cool thing about jealousy is there's always something behind the jealousy that you haven't quite figured out
10:48yet, you know?
10:49So I think it just makes you learn more about yourself and more about the people around you.
10:54Ideally, you can work on that jealousy together.
10:56We have a terrific relationship.
10:58But there are challenges at times, you know?
11:01And that should be okay.
11:03I finally get it.
11:04Some people thrive in a novel situation that forces them to question, grow, love, and ultimately accept each other.
11:13Not to mention the sex.
11:16It isn't for everyone.
11:18And I don't think it's for me.
11:21It's even more work than a conventional relationship.
11:24But I can see why so many people think it's worth it.
11:27The one thing that I think it's important for people to ask themselves is like,
11:30are you polyamorous or are you mad at monogamy?
11:32I crashed and bumped around.
11:34I made mistakes.
11:34I hurt people's feelings.
11:36I hurt my own.
11:37This is something that's not only doable, but it's made me better.
11:40Make sure it's what you want.
11:42Make sure you're ready to work.
11:43And make sure you love yourself fiercely before you try loving multiple people.
11:49Open your heart.
11:50Face your fears.
11:51And have fun being real, primal, and sexy together on this trip called life.
11:56I won't be able to do this.
11:56Not very useful.
11:57And I wonder, is that you can do something that's really wacky?
11:57And thank you for all this.
11:58And thank you for holding me up.