00:01Skin is like a suit.
00:04It's like a suit.
00:05I see my skin as something that I can make into something else.
00:10Who I am.
00:11Like, I'm Nicole and I happen to pick my skin.
00:15But that's not all I do, obviously.
00:18I have an anxiety condition that forces me to uncontrollably pick at my skin.
00:22There we go. Short and sweet.
00:24The picking started when I was in middle school.
00:27I had acne.
00:29And I just remember feeling like it didn't belong there.
00:31I had this thought, I need to get it out.
00:33It can't be in there.
00:34I pick everything that has skin on it.
00:37My shoulders, my chest, my legs, my fingertips, my face.
00:42It's dangerous to do what I do to my face.
00:45BFRB stands for Body Focused Repetitive Behavior.
00:48Hair pulling, nail biting, obsessive hair cutting, skin picking, skin eating, hair eating.
00:55I could go on and on and on.
00:58Sometimes it is conscious and sometimes it isn't.
01:01But I think it's easier just to say that it's involuntary because it started off that way.
01:06Like, I didn't realize at first that I was doing it.
01:08But then there are other times where I'll look at my mirror and be like,
01:11you know what, I'm really in the mood to pick right now.
01:13I'm very stressed out.
01:16It's hard to explain to other people because they're like, why would you want to do that?
01:19And I said, I don't know, it's the way my brain is wired.
01:21I can't tell you why I want to, but I do.
01:24Like, when I don't pick, I feel like I'm missing something.
01:28What if there's something there that if I don't get it out, it's going to get worse?
01:32But then I went to my dermatologist and she's like, your skin on your face is so clear.
01:36What are you picking at?
01:38And I think that I have bad skin when in reality I don't.
01:40I just made it that way.
01:42For a long time I was like, I'm the girl who pulls out her hair.
01:45I'm the girl who picks her skin.
01:46I'm the girl who's really ugly.
01:48Like, that was my thought process.
01:49And that's what people see me as.
01:51It took me a really long time to realize that people weren't that concerned with me.
01:55Honestly, they're probably thinking, oh, that's the girl who likes to draw.
01:58Or that's the girl who's really passionate about history
02:00and can tell you like eight million things about a Victorian bustle gown.
02:03Yeah, I could tell you eight million things about a Victorian bustle gown.
02:06And that's what I hope people know me for.
02:09Everyone has something.
02:11Everyone has something that they struggle with.
02:12I think that everyone can relate to wanting to find that point in your life
02:18that you feel like you're worthy.
02:20My disorder connects me to people worldwide.
02:23In the BFRB community, there's kind of a split of recovery, recovery, recovery.
02:28And then there's like people who are like, well, if I don't recover, that's okay too.
02:32Right now, I feel like if I don't ever stop, I'm okay with that.
02:37It's a part of who I am, but it's not who I am.
02:42That wasn't what I am.
02:43I don't remember.
02:43I don't even remember that feeling like you enjoyed the time.
