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00:00People are freaking out that the GOP might abolish the Department of Education and replace
00:04it with Greenland.
00:05I'm not holding my breath.
00:06Presidents don't have the authority to abolish federal agencies that look at them funny.
00:10And Congress is about as effective at passing laws as Great Danes are at passing laws.
00:14Actually eliminating the Department of Education would require Congress to sober up long enough
00:18to pass a bill, not to mention a great deal of political capital Trump could otherwise
00:23spend on creating cool new branches of the military.
00:25A more likely scenario is that Trump's Secretary of Ed hires a bunch of professional wrestlers
00:30and the department mostly just irritates teachers' unions and trolls Ivy League universities for
00:34the next four years.
00:35But let's say they actually do abolish the Department of Education.
00:40What would that mean?
00:41The Department of Education isn't that old.
00:43It was created during the Carter administration in 1980.
00:46Boba Fett, Red Lobster, and Nickelodeon are all older than the U.S. Department of Education.
00:50Ellie Kemper is older than the Department of Education and she's never responded to my
00:56DMs.
00:57Do the United States have education prior to Ellie Kemper?
01:00I have no way of knowing because I graduated from high school in 2003, well into the decline
01:05of American public education.
01:06I mostly learned about dinosaurs and heroin.
01:09I also learned these things in public school.
01:16Education in the United States is not actually run by the Department of Education.
01:21It's administered by states, school districts, and increasingly, YouTube videos involving cats
01:26or twerking.
01:27The Department of Education doesn't determine curriculum, hire teachers, or monitor the quality
01:32of heroin in public schools.
01:34Outside of some minimal grants, it doesn't pay teacher salaries either.
01:37It doesn't even handle the National School Lunch Program.
01:39That's the Department of Agriculture, which I think should be replaced with Ellie Kemper.
01:45Call me.
01:46So what does it do?
01:48Mostly student loans.
01:49The Department of Education's budget is about $270 billion per year.
01:54Of that, about $160 billion goes to federal student aid.
01:57That's about half, I don't know, public schools.
02:02I did learn how to turn an apple into a bong.
02:05After its main job as a PEZ dispenser for Pell Grants and student loans, the Department
02:09of Education operates as a kind of civil rights commission for public schools.
02:13It ensures that schools aren't doing racist stuff or providing inadequate services for
02:17children with disabilities.
02:19I'm actually more worried about, you know, the overall decline of American education in
02:23general than I am about teachers being racist.
02:25I just don't think teachers are particularly racist, but let's say that's a problem.
02:29The laws are still on the books.
02:31You can still sue a school for bringing back segregation?
02:36If your public school full of card-carrying teachers union members is just itching to
02:41Jim Crow their math class, let me assure you, the laws are still on the books and you can
02:46totally sue them in court.
02:48I do it all the time to meet ladies.
02:50So, is there a Mr. Your Honor?
02:54Now to be fair, a small percentage of the Department of Education's budget actually goes to assisting
02:58public schools.
02:59About $14 billion dollars is metered out to school districts for special education services,
03:03and $18 billion goes to improving school districts, provided they do whatever the feds want.
03:08I'm sure there are some great programs the Department of Education handles.
03:12But if we're assessing the efficacy of government, here's a good basic starting point.
03:16Would education be better in this country with the Department of Education as is, or if we
03:21just dismantled it and sent checks to every public school in the country?
03:24There are 50 million students enrolled in U.S. K-12 public schools.
03:28How much would each student get if we just split up the department's budget?
03:32I couldn't work out the math, so I hired far more competent Bangladeshi 12-year-olds
03:37to divide the Department of Education's budget by the number of American students.
03:41Then, I asked them to do my taxes, and finally, in a heartwarming moment, I adopted them.
03:47And I am now the proud father of two beautiful kids, and one ago I adopted out of pity.
03:53My children came up with a following figure, $5,400, I hate you, you're not my real dad,
03:58this is why you're alone, per student.
04:00So if somehow the Department of Education does wind up on the chopping block, ask yourself,
04:04if we just sent a check to every school district in America of $5,000 for each of its students,
04:09would education be better or worse than it is now?
04:12And to be clear, that's what I would do.
04:14That's not what the Trump administration is proposing.
04:16They want to abolish the Department of Education and then shoot Rosie O'Donnell,
04:21put tariffs on narwhals, give Hulk Hogan a cannon, I don't know.
04:25Alternately, we could just not spend the money because of the massive, crippling debt
04:30that will eventually ruin these children.
04:32But before everybody freaks out, it's worth asking, how vital is the Department of Education
04:38Education to education?
04:40Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a date with a hot judge.
04:43By which I mean I've got a hearing for contempt of court.
04:46The Department of Education is the Department of Education.
04:47The Department of Education is the Department of Education.
04:52The Department of Education is the Department of Education.