- hace 16 minutos
A homphobic groom-to-be and his gay coworker find themselves, through a magical Christmas ornament, unwittingly switching sexual orientations.
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00:00:03I'm telling you, bro, nobody should have ever let that woman have a license.
00:00:07Or any woman, for that matter, you know what I'm saying?
00:00:10Oh, oh, oh, check it out, check it out, 3 o'clock, look at this.
00:00:12Oh, my God, that's delicious.
00:00:18Did you find out where we're working at this week?
00:00:20My boss told me there's some famous guy named Bruce.
00:00:22Bruce?
00:00:22I bet it's Bruce Springsteen.
00:00:24Nah, he's a Jersey boy.
00:00:25I'm thinking it's Bruce Willis.
00:00:28I'm also from Jersey.
00:00:30Well, what are we doing at your parents' house?
00:00:32I just, I got a woman real fast in front of this gift.
00:00:36Trying to hide it from Sarah.
00:00:37Started your Christmas shopping?
00:00:39Started.
00:00:40Brother, I just finished.
00:00:42Thank God, I hate shopping.
00:00:44Yeah, so do I.
00:00:45I'll be right back.
00:00:50Hey, Pop.
00:00:51Hey, Spuddle.
00:00:52Hey, kiddo.
00:00:53I'm not a kid.
00:00:54I'm going to college next year.
00:00:56Yeah, don't complain to me about it.
00:00:58I hope you wiped your feet.
00:01:00You want some breakfast?
00:01:01I don't got time.
00:01:02You don't have time.
00:01:03Same difference.
00:01:05Oh, I did not raise you to slaughter the English language.
00:01:11Oh, oh my gosh, everybody look.
00:01:17Oh, oh, oh.
00:01:18Merry Christmas.
00:01:20How cute is this?
00:01:22We wish you a Merry Christmas.
00:01:24We wish you a Merry Christmas thing.
00:01:26Come on.
00:01:28Listen.
00:01:29Pause with massive high fun.
00:01:31La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,
00:01:33la, la, la.
00:01:48I buy great gifts.
00:01:49OMG, really?
00:01:51A twin set of Snuggies?
00:01:52OMG, yes.
00:01:54That way she can be comfortable when she watches your show, gossip girl.
00:02:00What's the matter, Pop?
00:02:02Stock and pork bellies go down?
00:02:03I don't get it.
00:02:05Here we have another state making it legal for gay couples to get married and have kids.
00:02:12What's wrong with that?
00:02:14Tony, would you like to tell your mother what's wrong with that?
00:02:19Marriage is an institution between a man and a woman.
00:02:23Besides, no kid should have to have two fathers.
00:02:26That's right.
00:02:27One's bad enough.
00:02:29I wasn't laughing at that.
00:02:31I was laughing at Tony's hair.
00:02:33Okay, well, it's always nice to make a stop at the institution, but I've got to go to work.
00:02:37You have to go.
00:02:38See? Mom agrees with me.
00:02:41Love you, mommy.
00:02:44I'll see you later, Pop.
00:02:46Okay, buddy.
00:02:51I can get the green.
00:02:53LAP, open up!
00:03:13I don't know, but something's telling me this is not Bruce Willis' house.
00:03:19That's because it's Bruce Valanche's house.
00:03:22Who's he?
00:03:23Bruce Valanche what?
00:03:24Are you kidding me?
00:03:26Bruce Valanche?
00:03:27I mean, he's huge.
00:03:29Physically and talent-wise.
00:03:30I mean, have you ever heard of a little show called The Hollywood Squares?
00:03:34I don't mean the old one that got canceled.
00:03:35I mean the newer one that got canceled.
00:03:38I think he was like Center Square, man.
00:03:40I never watched it, but I mean, he's the most respected writer in all of Hollywood.
00:03:44And more importantly, he's my very first celebrity slash wealthy client.
00:03:50So you boneheads better do a damn good job for this guy.
00:03:53I owe it all to my new head of design, Steve.
00:03:57Steve-o!
00:03:58Come out here and meet the boys.
00:04:03Hey, guys.
00:04:04He introduced me to B.B.
00:04:07Bruce Valanche.
00:04:09So how do you know this Valanche guy?
00:04:11Oh, my boyfriend Michael used to do his hair and makeup when he was on Hollywood Squares.
00:04:15Your boyfriend?
00:04:17Yeah, why?
00:04:18No, I mean, nothing.
00:04:23What do you got on your feet there, buddy?
00:04:25Oh, these are my new products.
00:04:28Cool, huh?
00:04:29Yeah.
00:04:30I mean, I probably wouldn't wear them, but cool.
00:04:35Yeah, I'd love to stay around and talk with you ladies about your shoes all day,
00:04:38but unfortunately, you got work to do,
00:04:40and I got to show Steve the back of the house.
00:04:43So let's get going.
00:04:45Bye, guys.
00:04:53Bye, guys.
00:04:55Oh, my God.
00:04:57Oh.
00:05:13Hey, dead man walking.
00:05:15What's that supposed to mean?
00:05:16Getting married, right?
00:05:18Yeah.
00:05:18Dead man walking.
00:05:20Yeah, but we still have your bachelor party to look forward to, right, bro?
00:05:23Oh, that's what I'm talking about.
00:05:24I didn't hear him talking about that.
00:05:27Hey, smart move getting married on New Year's Eve.
00:05:30Don't forget your anniversary.
00:05:34Hey, where's the new guy from?
00:05:36It's the boss's nephew.
00:05:37The boss has a fudge backer for a nephew.
00:05:39Can you believe that?
00:05:40No, poor guy.
00:05:41You know, I don't understand why anybody would choose to get married.
00:05:43I don't think it's a choice, bro.
00:05:44Oh, it's definitely a choice.
00:05:46You know, it's starting to piss me off.
00:05:47You know, every time I turn around,
00:05:48I get one of these guys French kissing each other.
00:05:51Hey, guys.
00:05:52Hey.
00:05:53Hey.
00:05:55You remind me of someone.
00:05:57Young Tony Curtis.
00:06:00Actually more attractive than he was.
00:06:01Ooh.
00:06:03Hey, guys.
00:06:05Jeez.
00:06:05You know what, Bri?
00:06:06I'd watch out, because I think that Steve,
00:06:09he's going for a piece of the South Siege there, buddy.
00:06:13Yeah.
00:06:15And I could tell you why
00:06:19But I would probably be wrong
00:06:24All reasons change on
00:06:28That Christmas tree's embarrassing, man.
00:06:31Yeah, it's small, but it's got big balls.
00:06:34Your tree has elephantitis.
00:06:39Hey, come on.
00:06:39Let's get down to business here.
00:06:41Pick your poison for your bachelor party.
00:06:43All right.
00:06:44Let's do this.
00:06:45Well, look at all this variety, huh?
00:06:47You know all this ends when you get married, right?
00:06:50You know that.
00:06:51Yeah, I know.
00:06:52Yeah?
00:06:52Well, look at this.
00:06:53Hot sex action.
00:06:55Twenty-five cents.
00:06:56That's cheaper than a value meal.
00:06:57Yeah, cheap sex.
00:06:59That's great.
00:06:59And, you know, I'm going to miss it.
00:07:01But let me tell you something, Danny boy.
00:07:03One of these days, you are going to understand what it's like to truly be in love.
00:07:07You know, to really want to give yourself to one person and one person only.
00:07:11Sarah's awesome.
00:07:12Oh, that is so sweet.
00:07:15Look at your pussy whip.
00:07:17Oh, whipped.
00:07:18It's a whipped cream dish.
00:07:21You put some cinnamon in there.
00:07:23Put a little ketchup in there.
00:07:25Macaroni.
00:07:26Macaroni.
00:07:26You garnish it with macaroni.
00:07:28And, uh, you serve that chilled.
00:07:31It's good.
00:07:32What do you call that?
00:07:33Wow.
00:07:34Look at the time, huh?
00:07:36Time flies when you're having fun.
00:07:38All right, I gotta go.
00:07:38Somewhere there's a happy hour and a beer with my name on it.
00:07:41He probably has to get to the spy shop before it closes.
00:07:44And here, I had no idea you two took such an interest in the culinary arts.
00:07:48Oh, yeah.
00:07:49I even took care of dinner.
00:07:51Really?
00:07:51You made something?
00:07:52I made the necessary arrangements.
00:07:56Tony, would it kill you to try and cook just once?
00:08:01Not gonna happen.
00:08:02Why not?
00:08:03Because I'm a man, baby.
00:08:06Sweetie, cooking is not feminine.
00:08:09Loads of guys cook.
00:08:11Some of the best chefs in the world are men.
00:08:14Oh, barbecue.
00:08:15But we don't have a barbecue.
00:08:17I know.
00:08:19I'll get it.
00:08:24Who is it?
00:08:25Peter Piper's Perfect Pizza.
00:08:27Watch this.
00:08:29Who?
00:08:30Peter Piper's Perfect Pizza.
00:08:32Who?
00:08:34Peter Piper's Perfect Pizza, dude.
00:08:39But why didn't you say so?
00:08:46Sir, what's Bruce Blanch like?
00:08:49I don't know.
00:08:49He's never around.
00:08:51Who cares anyway?
00:08:52Well, I care.
00:08:54You know, I work in public relations.
00:08:56Knowing about celebrities is my career, Tony.
00:08:59Anyway, besides, it's really funny.
00:09:03It's not like we're working on Megan Fox's house or anything.
00:09:07Which, I wouldn't care if she was there either,
00:09:10because, you know, she's not really a fox so much as she is, um, homely.
00:09:15Homely?
00:09:15Maybe not so much with the homely,
00:09:17but she is definitely not as beautiful as you.
00:09:19Right.
00:09:23Hmm.
00:09:25Everything smells delish.
00:09:28Everything.
00:09:31Everything.
00:09:34So, tell me about your first day on the job.
00:09:38It wasn't bad.
00:09:40It wasn't bad.
00:09:42Is that all I'm going to get at you?
00:09:44What was it like working for your uncle?
00:09:46Do you like the other guys?
00:09:48Tell me about your day.
00:09:50It was nice.
00:09:52It's small.
00:09:53It's intimate.
00:09:55Everyone seemed pretty nice, but...
00:10:02So, we've got a new guy at work.
00:10:04Ooh.
00:10:06Tell me.
00:10:08Homo.
00:10:09Oh, Tony, please don't use that word.
00:10:11Oh, what word do you want me to use?
00:10:13Well, why do you have to label him at all?
00:10:15Can't he just be a guy you work with?
00:10:18End of story.
00:10:20I think you mean end of fairy tale.
00:10:26Fairy tale.
00:10:34What's wrong?
00:10:36Nothing.
00:10:38Just one of the guys at work gave me a weird vibe.
00:10:41Weird like what?
00:10:42Weird like, I think he has a problem with us.
00:10:46In this day and age,
00:10:48I'm sure you're just being overly sensitive.
00:10:51All I'm saying is,
00:10:52I'll bet he voted against gay marriage.
00:10:54Well, then you guys should get along great.
00:10:56What?
00:10:58Prop 8 got me off the hook.
00:10:59I heard you talking to Glenn.
00:11:00Oh, come on.
00:11:00I was kidding.
00:11:02You still don't want to get married, though.
00:11:07Here we go again.
00:11:30See, do you really think I'm prettier than Megan Fox?
00:11:33Well, I think we all know the answer to that one.
00:11:43I love you, Tony.
00:11:45I love you more.
00:11:56I'm sure you're right about Tony.
00:11:58I know I'm right.
00:12:02Hey.
00:12:05I love you.
00:12:10I know what you love.
00:12:13Well, that was definitely better than watching TV.
00:12:17Even football.
00:12:18Even football.
00:12:22Well, maybe not the Super Bowl.
00:12:29You ready for the big day?
00:12:30Ho, ho, ho.
00:12:32I'm at the wedding, fool.
00:12:33Yeah, I know what you meant.
00:12:35Michael and I went to a really nice wedding in Irvine last weekend.
00:12:39Well, no offense, but with all due respect,
00:12:42I don't think I'd be comfortable
00:12:43two dudes showed up in my wedding holding hands, you know?
00:12:46Ow.
00:12:48What happened?
00:12:48You break a nail?
00:12:50No, I got my finger caught.
00:12:51What are we, in kindergarten?
00:12:52Well, you want to take a nap with me?
00:12:55You're the last person I would want to take a nap with.
00:12:58Oh, come on, Steve.
00:12:59I saw you checking out my ass.
00:13:01The only reason I would check out your ass is if I needed a place to show my home movies.
00:13:06What is he, what's he talking about?
00:13:08That's not funny.
00:13:10Brian, tell me.
00:13:12Do I have a flat ass?
00:13:13I don't know.
00:13:14Pull down your pants so we can all see.
00:13:16No, keep your pants on, Chief.
00:13:18Hey, Tom.
00:13:19Yeah?
00:13:19I know someone who would like to check that out.
00:13:21Well, I know it isn't you, Jake, and I know it isn't you, Danny.
00:13:25So, who could it be?
00:13:28Steve.
00:13:29See, I knew you.
00:13:30You're a homophobe.
00:13:31No, I'm not.
00:13:34What the hell is that thing?
00:13:35That there is a magnificent, working, beautiful ornament that I found in a neighbor's trash bin.
00:13:44These people around here are so rich that their trash is going to be out of the tree tomorrow night
00:13:49at our company Christmas party.
00:13:51Oh, you know what, boss?
00:13:52I almost forgot.
00:13:53I can't make it to your party.
00:13:54My girlfriend's dragging me to some place called Crack Nuts.
00:13:58You mean the Nutcracker?
00:14:00It's the same thing.
00:14:02My girlfriend dragged me there last year.
00:14:04It's boring.
00:14:06Whatever.
00:14:06Save you 20 bucks.
00:14:08I wish that we didn't have to listen to this crap.
00:14:13You see?
00:14:14That music was so bad, it killed the boombox.
00:14:17You know what I wish?
00:14:19I wish we'd get another A-list client so I could pay you guys to keep sitting on your butts,
00:14:24shooting this...
00:14:25Yeah, it's Joe.
00:14:27Oh.
00:14:29Hello, sir.
00:14:31No, no, yes.
00:14:33Absolutely.
00:14:36I'd...
00:14:36I'd be honored.
00:14:39Two o'clock is perfect.
00:14:41Thank you very much, Mr. Top?
00:14:47Okay, then.
00:14:50Wow.
00:14:52Wishes do come true, fellas.
00:14:55We just got the Carrot Top account.
00:14:57Yeah!
00:14:58Yeah!
00:14:58Woo!
00:14:59Woo!
00:14:59Way to go, boss.
00:15:02Da-da-da-da.
00:15:04Da-da-da-da-da-da.
00:15:05Da-da-da-da-da-da.
00:15:08Boop, boop.
00:15:09Boop, boop, boop.
00:15:17Welcome to Spood-Dix Video.
00:15:19If you don't see it, we ain't got it.
00:15:31Hey, Anthony.
00:15:32Hey, Rachel.
00:15:34You're looking handsome these days, and, um, fit, as always.
00:15:38Thanks, you're, uh, looking pretty good yourself.
00:15:42Movie night, I remember how much fun that was.
00:15:45I almost called you a couple times.
00:15:47Yeah?
00:15:47Well, why didn't you?
00:15:48Been busy.
00:15:50Welcome to Spood-Dix Video.
00:15:51I got engaged.
00:15:53Oh, another one bites the dust.
00:15:55Oh, well, that is just so sweet.
00:15:57I'm sorry.
00:15:58I just meant that I'm...
00:16:01She's a lucky girl.
00:16:03Yeah.
00:16:04She is a lucky girl, isn't she?
00:16:07So, when's the big day?
00:16:09Two weeks.
00:16:11I have an idea.
00:16:14Why don't you come over one night this week while you're still single?
00:16:19So, you can say goodbye.
00:16:22You know, there's just one problem with that.
00:16:24I'm not single.
00:16:27But you're not married.
00:16:29So, she'll never know.
00:16:34Yeah, uh...
00:16:35I don't know.
00:16:37That's, uh, all that really matters.
00:16:41Nice seeing you.
00:16:55Badass cops, badass robbers.
00:16:57I do okay.
00:17:03You did amazing.
00:17:06You did amazing.
00:17:27Hey.
00:17:27Hey.
00:17:28How do you get some things to get started so I see some pigs in a blanket?
00:17:31Don't worry.
00:17:31The pigs in a blanket will be coming soon.
00:17:34Who are your beautiful friends?
00:17:35I hope you don't mind, Joe.
00:17:36I brought along my bridesmaids.
00:17:38This is Laura.
00:17:40And this is Kathy.
00:17:41Oh, Kathy.
00:17:42Joe, you're very beautiful.
00:17:44Thank you for coming in.
00:17:45Please don't leave.
00:17:47I don't mean to sound creepy in case that does.
00:17:50I just mean I'm honored that you guys are here.
00:17:52And please don't leave, Kathy.
00:17:53And, okay, good to see you guys.
00:17:55Joe, wait a second.
00:17:56I got your secret Santa gift.
00:17:58This is a secret Santa gift?
00:17:59Yes.
00:18:00And is Tony picking out?
00:18:01Yes.
00:18:02So I'm guessing it's a lesbian porn DVD?
00:18:08Oh, my God.
00:18:10You just called me, honey.
00:18:12Guy's an apron and a bun cake away from being a housewife.
00:18:15Sarah?
00:18:15Oh, hi, Steve.
00:18:17How are you?
00:18:18I'm well.
00:18:19How are you?
00:18:20I'm well.
00:18:22You two know each other.
00:18:23Yes, we met when I studied abroad.
00:18:25I don't think you studied broads.
00:18:27At Oxford.
00:18:29We've actually dated a little.
00:18:31Which is why nothing happened.
00:18:33Exactly.
00:18:34This is my Michael.
00:18:35I'm the boyfriend.
00:18:36Very pleased to meet you.
00:18:37You seem gorgeous.
00:18:38Thanks, Sarah.
00:18:39Oh, so this is the RBI.
00:18:42Yes.
00:18:43You mean like runs batted in?
00:18:44Because, you know, I was Allstate in high school.
00:18:46No, like Republican breeding and uranus.
00:18:50Um, so Michael, what do you do?
00:18:52I'm a hair makeup artist.
00:18:53Does, uh, my makeup look okay?
00:18:56No.
00:18:56You, you still look for me.
00:18:58Quiche?
00:18:59Oh, you know what?
00:19:00I'll pass.
00:19:00You'll pass?
00:19:01Great.
00:19:02I have a ton to do in the kitchen.
00:19:03If anyone asks, it's vegetable.
00:19:04Hey, you know, that's not what I...
00:19:07You want one?
00:19:08I hate quiche.
00:19:14I have to stop eating like this.
00:19:16I'm as big as a house.
00:19:17What are you talking about?
00:19:18It's a couple extra pounds.
00:19:20Yeah, you're not the one on the bottom.
00:19:21Oh!
00:19:23Oh, I hate to eat and run, but I'm not feeling really wrong.
00:19:28Nothing.
00:19:29Let's go.
00:19:29Okay.
00:19:34Thank goodness I was chasing that guy all around the room.
00:19:38Um, hi.
00:19:39Hi.
00:19:40I'm Laura.
00:19:40I'm Brian.
00:19:41Hey, I gotta get another bed right now.
00:19:44Is there a Mrs. Brian?
00:19:46No.
00:19:50Where's the bathroom?
00:19:52Don't you ladies go in pairs?
00:19:53Steve, why don't you go with her?
00:19:55Tony, knock it off.
00:19:57Come on, Kathy, I'll show you.
00:20:03Hello.
00:20:04Hello.
00:20:07All right, everyone.
00:20:08Can I have your attention?
00:20:10I know I'm hilarious and I like to joke around, but I want to say how honored I am that
00:20:14you
00:20:14took time out of your busy lives to come here to my holiday party.
00:20:19Christmas is my favorite holiday because Christmas is about family and friends and traditions.
00:20:26And my favorite Christmas tradition is the mistletoe.
00:20:30And for those of you who don't know, this is how mistletoe works.
00:20:36See?
00:20:38Okay.
00:20:39All right.
00:20:40Ooh.
00:20:41I better not.
00:20:42I had the garlic mashed potato.
00:20:43Screw it.
00:20:44Yeah, yeah.
00:20:44There we go.
00:20:45There we go.
00:20:46And then, I know we don't know each other very well, but I think it might be bad luck if
00:20:51we don't do...
00:20:59Oh, you're my friend, so I hate that.
00:21:00Okay, okay.
00:21:04Guys, please.
00:21:06If you two kiss, I swear, the pigs in a blanket I just ate are going to be all over
00:21:10this carpet.
00:21:11Stop it right there, Tony.
00:21:13Are you telling me that you've already had pigs in a blanket?
00:21:17Honey, I'm going to get us something, don't worry.
00:21:24That is so hot.
00:21:28Guys, get a bathhouse.
00:21:30You know, I am sick and tired of your homophobic slurs.
00:21:34I didn't slur, I said it very clearly.
00:21:36Steve, he really doesn't mean anything by it, do you, Tony?
00:21:40Yeah, yeah, I was just joking.
00:21:41You know?
00:21:42Be so sensitive.
00:21:44You know, somebody needs to teach you a lesson.
00:21:46What are you going to do?
00:21:47Hmm?
00:21:48You know what pixie does in my face?
00:21:50Tony, stop it.
00:21:51Seriously?
00:21:52You are such a moron.
00:21:55You know what I wish?
00:21:56What?
00:21:56What do you wish?
00:21:58I wish you were gay.
00:22:00So you know what it was like to walk in my shoes.
00:22:02Oh, yeah?
00:22:03Well, I wish that you were straight.
00:22:05So you know how disgusting you are!
00:22:11Tony, you are the only one that's being disgusting right now.
00:22:17Damn.
00:22:18I didn't mean to say that.
00:22:20I...
00:22:31All right, everybody.
00:22:32It's Secret Santa time!
00:22:39All right, show's over.
00:22:40Ha!
00:22:41Great time, Uncle.
00:22:42Yeah.
00:22:4210.30.
00:22:4310.30.
00:22:43Yeah, show back and still partying.
00:22:45You boys be careful out there.
00:22:46Thank you for coming.
00:22:48Laura, are you ready?
00:22:50Bye.
00:22:51Okay, so this is my phone number, my cell number, my work number, my email.
00:22:53Sorry I don't have a fax.
00:22:55Kathy, are you ready?
00:22:56Oh, hey.
00:22:57I just want to say how grateful I am that you came to my party.
00:23:00It means a lot to me.
00:23:01I'm going to stay and help clean up.
00:23:03And she's going to stay and help clean up with me here and just us.
00:23:08And we're going to clean up.
00:23:09And so we better get started.
00:23:10So thank you.
00:23:12Okay, hey, great party, huh?
00:23:14See you later, bye.
00:23:15Yeah, awesome.
00:23:30Space, come to me.
00:23:33I don't need anything more to breathe.
00:23:37Built my own legacy of defeat all by myself.
00:23:45Down comes the sky.
00:23:48Answering my prayer in double time.
00:23:52Lighting up everything inside.
00:23:55I try to hide.
00:23:59Nowhere to hide.
00:24:10Carefully here to hide.
00:24:12A man inside.
00:24:15A child inside.
00:24:16A man inside.
00:24:25Carefully here to hide.
00:24:27A man inside.
00:24:29A child inside.
00:24:31A man inside.
00:24:34Space, come to me.
00:24:38Wow.
00:24:39That's a quarter of that ass change back.
00:24:42Excuse me?
00:24:44I changed.
00:24:45You know, for the parking meter.
00:24:47I need to change.
00:24:49There's no meters on this street, dude.
00:24:50Oh, yeah.
00:24:51Would you look at that?
00:24:53Get married next week.
00:24:54Oh, yeah.
00:24:55Hey, good luck with that.
00:24:57What is going on?
00:25:03I'd like to bang you out like a screamer in a hurricane.
00:25:07Can I just say that out loud?
00:25:10Actually, you did.
00:25:13Did I just slap you?
00:25:16Actually, you did.
00:25:18Oh, yeah.
00:25:20Oh, yeah.
00:25:21Oh, yeah.
00:25:21Oh, yeah.
00:25:21Oh, yeah.
00:25:22Oh, yeah.
00:25:24Oh, yeah.
00:25:24Oh, yeah.
00:25:25Oh, yeah.
00:25:28Oh, yeah.
00:25:30Oh, yeah.
00:25:32Oh, yeah.
00:25:32Oh, yeah.
00:25:34Oh, yeah.
00:25:35Oh, yeah.
00:25:35Oh, yeah.
00:25:35Oh, yeah.
00:25:36Oh, yeah.
00:25:36Oh, yeah.
00:25:53Oh, yeah.
00:25:55.
00:26:25.
00:26:55.
00:27:25.
00:27:55.
00:27:56.
00:27:56.
00:27:57.
00:27:59.
00:28:03.
00:28:04.
00:28:05.
00:28:05.
00:28:05.
00:28:05.
00:28:06.
00:28:06.
00:28:07.
00:28:07.
00:28:08.
00:28:08.
00:28:08.
00:28:09.
00:28:09.
00:28:09.
00:28:09.
00:28:09.
00:28:09.
00:28:09.
00:28:09.
00:28:09.
00:28:19.
00:28:19.
00:28:19.
00:28:19.
00:28:19.
00:28:20.
00:28:20.
00:28:20.
00:28:32.
00:28:33.
00:28:33.
00:28:33.
00:28:34.
00:28:34.
00:28:34.
00:28:35.
00:28:35.
00:28:35.
00:28:36.
00:28:36.
00:28:36.
00:28:42.
00:28:43Look, this is going to sound really bizarre, but I've been noticing women lately.
00:28:49You've been noticing women?
00:28:51What are you talking about?
00:28:53Here, sit down.
00:28:54No, I'll stand.
00:28:56What is it? Tell me.
00:28:58I can't explain it.
00:29:00Oh, honey, I'm sure it's nothing.
00:29:02Hey, do you like my new bra?
00:29:07Yeah, so I don't know what it is, but something's going on,
00:29:10and I've been looking at women and feeling something.
00:29:14Wait, so what you're telling me is after five years of being a proud gay man,
00:29:19you suddenly are attracted to women?
00:29:21Kind of.
00:29:24I've never heard of a closeted heterosexual before, but...
00:29:28Oh, Steve, cut it out.
00:29:30You're gay. You're gay, gay, gay.
00:29:33I think I might be a little less gay now.
00:29:38So, if I do this, does that do something?
00:29:42I'm not 100% sure on that.
00:29:44Yeah.
00:29:46Does this feel good?
00:29:49I gotta tell you, I felt worse things.
00:29:51Mm-hmm.
00:29:52What if I put my hand here?
00:29:55Oh, my God!
00:29:57You're not kidding!
00:29:58I told you!
00:30:00Did you tell Michael yet?
00:30:01No, how are you supposed to tell your lover that you suddenly switched to the other side?
00:30:05Mm-hmm.
00:30:07Ask Anne Heche.
00:30:17I can't believe you're watching this movie.
00:30:21What? It's a cowboy movie.
00:30:23What kind of cowboy movie?
00:30:24About two cowboys who fall madly in love with each other.
00:30:27It's not really your kind of thing, Dave.
00:30:29What? I...
00:30:30Wow.
00:30:31I think I wasn't paying attention.
00:30:35Are you sure you want to watch a film and not do something else?
00:30:40Um...
00:30:41I'm...
00:30:42I'm kind of tired.
00:30:44Oh.
00:30:45Is it me?
00:30:46Will I put on weight or something?
00:30:47No.
00:30:48No.
00:30:49No.
00:30:49What was her name?
00:30:52Well, I don't know.
00:30:53I...
00:30:54I, um...
00:30:57If you want to be built like a man, and have the strength of a bull, I suggest you use
00:31:01my product.
00:31:01I guess I'm just not feeling well, you know?
00:31:05It's like letting jitters or something.
00:31:06You look great.
00:31:07I love you.
00:31:08Increase your chest muscles for three to four months.
00:31:11And use this for your biceps and triceps.
00:31:14Can we just go to bed?
00:31:15It takes just 15 minutes a day.
00:31:23$29.99.
00:31:25And here, you want to hold...
00:31:29It's just that easy.
00:31:30And I've only been working out for about six months.
00:31:32You ready to pump up?
00:31:33Let's make it happen.
00:31:54Huh?
00:31:55Hi, Tony.
00:31:57How do you know my name?
00:31:58Take a fresh breath, man.
00:31:59So I can kiss you.
00:32:02It's plenty.
00:32:04Wait, no.
00:32:05What makes you think that I want you to kiss me?
00:32:08Oh, I see how you're looking at me in that commercial.
00:32:10You look so good.
00:32:11Hold on a second.
00:32:14Why aren't you with Steve?
00:32:16I don't know.
00:32:17This is your job.
00:32:21Do you want it?
00:32:23Do you want it?
00:32:25Do you want it?
00:32:29Oh, that feels good.
00:32:32Oh, yeah.
00:32:35Oh, that feels great.
00:32:39Tony!
00:32:40What?
00:32:40Some dream, huh?
00:32:41Yeah.
00:32:42What about?
00:32:44I...
00:32:44I can't remember.
00:32:46Well, I hope it was about me.
00:32:48Why?
00:32:50Because...
00:32:50Mr. Soldier's at full salute right now.
00:32:52And if you weren't dreaming about me, then you were dreaming about some other woman.
00:32:57I promise, I wasn't dreaming about another woman.
00:33:00Can we just go to sleep, please?
00:33:06What?
00:33:18What's wrong with you two?
00:33:20Are you guys mad because we're late?
00:33:22That's my fault.
00:33:23I just have to have my sugar in the morning.
00:33:25Mmm.
00:33:28Mmm.
00:33:30Yeah, we got carried away this morning.
00:33:32I'm sure you know what it's like.
00:33:34Not lately.
00:33:36What's going on?
00:33:38Steve was just telling me how he's suddenly attracted to some women.
00:33:41And when he saw Trish, all I could think about was banging her.
00:33:45I didn't say I wanted to bang her.
00:33:47I just said I felt... funny.
00:33:49I don't know, maybe I had a seizure or something.
00:33:52Can we please just talk about something else?
00:33:54Listen, if you're not attracted to me, just say so.
00:33:57I'm an adult.
00:33:58I can handle this.
00:33:59Maturely and calmly.
00:34:01Are you ready to order?
00:34:02Can you see we're having a serious discussion?
00:34:04Real calm and mature.
00:34:07I'm sorry.
00:34:10I have a house salad, light dressing.
00:34:13I'm sure Butch over here will have the meat and potatoes, being the macho man he is.
00:34:19Oh wow.
00:34:20Maybe it's like a 24 hour virus.
00:34:23We are going to split a vegetarian pizza and I'm going to have the Caesar salad, please.
00:34:30Okay.
00:34:31You know, Steve, if you're thinking of trying with a woman, I'd be willing to help you out.
00:34:36You're hitting on my boyfriend right in front of me.
00:34:40Don't expect it to.
00:34:42Let's start with a beer.
00:34:43And then I'll have the meat lover pizza, large with pepperoni and meeples.
00:34:48Sausage?
00:34:50See, what did I tell you?
00:34:52It took almost two years to get him out of the closet.
00:34:55Now he's all the way back there.
00:34:56He's all the way back in frickin' Narnia!
00:34:59Ha!
00:35:00I'm just kidding!
00:35:01Okay, I'm just kidding.
00:35:02I am not attracted to women.
00:35:05Have a little love.
00:35:06Hey!
00:35:09Okay, that's it.
00:35:11I'm leaving!
00:35:13I don't want to see you until you're back on our team.
00:35:18You are definitely straight.
00:35:33Hey, sweetie!
00:35:35Something smells delicious.
00:35:41Did you order from me somewhere new?
00:35:44I didn't order it, silly.
00:35:47I cooked it.
00:35:48That Martha Stewart really knows what she's talking about.
00:35:50Really?
00:35:53Wow!
00:35:55Looks great!
00:35:56Try it.
00:36:02Mmm!
00:36:05Darling, this really is incredible!
00:36:08I'm so proud of you!
00:36:09I know!
00:36:10What have you cooked before?
00:36:12Oh!
00:36:12The souffle!
00:36:14Wow!
00:36:15Souffle!
00:36:17Tony!
00:36:19Who is this stranger in my apartment?
00:36:26Who is this stranger in my apartment?
00:36:29Who is this stranger in my apartment?
00:36:30Don't worry, you suck!
00:36:31You're killing me!
00:36:33You suck this whole game!
00:36:36No!
00:36:38They were about to screw you!
00:36:41Michael!
00:36:42You're being rude!
00:36:43You're being rude!
00:36:44No!
00:36:46Well done!
00:36:48God!
00:36:49Last year, you walked the gay pride parade.
00:36:52This year, y'all probably protested.
00:36:56God!
00:36:56God!
00:36:59Oh!
00:37:00Oh, you sinners repent!
00:37:02Whether you're a thief, an alcoholic, or even a homosexual, we can hear you!
00:37:09Call this 800 number on the screen to find out about our next revival, where we will drive those demons
00:37:16from your soul!
00:37:18Oh, no!
00:37:19You're just such a true gentleman!
00:37:21I want to reward you for making me that delicious dinner earlier.
00:37:26This show is pretty funny.
00:37:29But you can't have an orgasm to it though, can you?
00:37:31No, no, but it's very true to life.
00:37:34Have you ever watched this?
00:37:36No, but whatever.
00:37:37I've got something better for you to watch.
00:37:40Honey, I can't see!
00:37:41This is the climax.
00:37:44Climax?
00:37:45Are you serious?
00:37:48Tony, are you seeing someone else?
00:37:50What?
00:37:50No!
00:37:52Then why are you acting so strange?
00:37:55Strange?
00:37:56Well, a second ago I was the perfect gentleman.
00:38:00Well...
00:38:01Gentlemen are overrated then.
00:38:05No, no.
00:38:10No, honey!
00:38:17I...
00:38:18I...
00:38:21Alright, so I checked it four times and there doesn't seem to be anything physically wrong with you.
00:38:28Look, Dr. Fist, there's gotta be something...
00:38:30It's Feist!
00:38:32I'm sorry, the sign on the door says Fist.
00:38:34Theresa!
00:38:35Who keeps crossing off the E?
00:38:38Hold on, I got something for you.
00:38:44Take one of these.
00:38:46You'll go for hours.
00:38:48Trust me.
00:38:49Viagra?
00:38:50Yeah!
00:38:51Look, Doc, the problem's not me getting it up, it's who I'm getting it up for.
00:38:55What are you talking about?
00:38:57I'm gay, but I'm only attracted to women.
00:38:59Good.
00:39:00Alright.
00:39:00I got something for you.
00:39:02Drop your pants.
00:39:08Try this.
00:39:12I'm good.
00:39:15So you wanna be gay, huh?
00:39:17Yes.
00:39:18Poof!
00:39:19You're gay.
00:39:20You lost all your rights.
00:39:22Happy?
00:39:24Okay, so I'm not, right?
00:39:26I mean, at least I never was, you know, but...
00:39:28But what exactly is it you'd like me to do for you?
00:39:30I want you to make me straight again before my wedding next week.
00:39:34Oh.
00:39:36Okay.
00:39:37Uh, well, there is this thing.
00:39:39We haven't done it in quite a while, but I think it could be very effective.
00:39:42But I am going to need you to take off your shirt.
00:39:50And I need you to look at these pictures of hot naked men.
00:39:55And I also need you to put your hand in here.
00:40:02And now I want you to just relax.
00:40:19Oh, Jesus, lady!
00:40:29You suspect your wife is cheating on you.
00:40:32You haven't gotten one thing right.
00:40:34Hey!
00:40:34I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me here.
00:40:37Milo, shut that damn dog up!
00:40:41Excuse me.
00:40:43Hello, Michael.
00:40:45Hi, Michael.
00:40:47No, I will call you back.
00:40:49Michael, I will call you later.
00:40:51I'm sorry.
00:40:53There is someone special in your life.
00:40:57I'm seeing the initial...
00:41:02M.
00:41:02Hmm.
00:41:03Michael, perhaps.
00:41:07You really suck at this.
00:41:16Magical Christmas angel.
00:41:18Switched your sexual orientation.
00:41:22Mama still got it.
00:41:26It's all on everybody.
00:41:30But when you're walking.
00:41:32When you're walking.
00:41:33Sweet Jesus.
00:41:34Sweet Jesus.
00:41:35Mm.
00:41:35You put your hand in his hand.
00:41:38Oh, yeah.
00:41:39Don't you know.
00:41:40Don't you know.
00:41:41Don't you know.
00:41:43Don't you know.
00:41:51Don't you know.
00:41:53Don't you know.
00:41:57Don't you know.
00:42:05love today. I'm feeling it,
00:42:07especially in the back there.
00:42:11Now, I ask one of you,
00:42:13one of you lucky sinners right now
00:42:15to please come on up here.
00:42:17Who would like to go first and feel
00:42:19the hand of the Lord?
00:42:21How about you, son? Come on.
00:42:23Get up here, you sinner. Don't be
00:42:25afraid. Ain't nobody going to bite you.
00:42:27So everybody, let's give this child
00:42:29an amen.
00:42:31Yes.
00:42:32Now,
00:42:33what brings you here today?
00:42:35What ails you, son?
00:42:37Having homosexual tendencies.
00:42:39I need you a little bit louder. Nobody else can
00:42:41hear you. I'm
00:42:42having homosexual tendencies.
00:42:45He is having
00:42:48homosexual tendencies.
00:42:50Sweet Jesus.
00:42:51We do not want him to travel down
00:42:53this road to hell.
00:42:55Now, give me a note.
00:42:58There we go now.
00:43:00I want you to
00:43:01kneel. Kneel down before this
00:43:03holy water
00:43:04that the Lord has provided
00:43:05for us.
00:43:05Save that boy.
00:43:06Now, I want you to repeat
00:43:08these words after me.
00:43:09Say them with conviction
00:43:10and love.
00:43:12I will release myself.
00:43:15I will release myself.
00:43:16I will purge myself.
00:43:19I will purge myself.
00:43:20I will rid my body of his
00:43:23lustful, sinful desires.
00:43:26My body of his lustful,
00:43:28sinful desires.
00:43:30Sand!
00:43:31I want to ask you to
00:43:33purge this boy
00:43:34and all his evil,
00:43:36sinful tendencies.
00:43:38David, be out!
00:43:42You are cute!
00:43:44Give this boy an amen!
00:43:46Amen!
00:43:47Give him an hallelujah!
00:43:48Hallelujah!
00:43:49How do you feel, brother?
00:43:52I don't feel any different.
00:43:54Go ahead.
00:43:54Sit down.
00:43:55It'll take a little time
00:43:56for it to settle in.
00:43:57Go on!
00:43:59Very good.
00:43:59Ladies and gentlemen,
00:44:00let's get a hand
00:44:01for this child.
00:44:01This child of God!
00:44:03Let's get a hand!
00:44:40Hey, can I get a Chardonnay?
00:44:45So, all these guys are gay, huh?
00:44:52No, it's not Chardonnay.
00:44:55Ooh, it's so colorful.
00:44:57What do you call it?
00:44:58Cosmopolitan.
00:45:01Compliments?
00:45:02Big Harold over there.
00:45:04Man, all these cute guys, I gotta be dead on like that?
00:45:08Sorry about that.
00:45:09Hi, I'm Harold.
00:45:12Hi, Harold.
00:45:13You look so uncomfortable.
00:45:19Don't worry.
00:45:20I just came out of the closet myself.
00:45:23Well, congratulations, Harold.
00:45:25Good luck with that.
00:45:26You maybe should have stayed in.
00:45:27Look, thanks for the cosmetician, but I'm, uh, this guy here.
00:45:31This is my man.
00:45:32My boyfriend.
00:45:33My dude.
00:45:34Many years.
00:45:34Together.
00:45:36Oh, my God.
00:45:37Tony?
00:45:38What are you doing here?
00:45:39I'm here.
00:45:39I'm having a drink.
00:45:40I mean, I was passing by and I was thirsty, so I ordered this thing.
00:45:44Yeah, I got this.
00:45:45I don't know what the hell this is.
00:45:46A lot of beer.
00:45:47Wow, a lot of guys in here, huh?
00:45:48I just noticed that, yeah.
00:45:50Must be like a fraternity reunion.
00:45:52Yeah, I was just thinking.
00:45:53Yes.
00:45:54Yes, fraternity.
00:45:54Definitely.
00:45:57Oh, shit.
00:45:58What?
00:45:58What is she doing here?
00:45:59Whoa.
00:46:00I gotta find a bathroom.
00:46:00It's right over there.
00:46:01Okay.
00:46:01I mean, I think it's over there.
00:46:05Nice party girl.
00:46:11Hey.
00:46:13Brian.
00:46:14I would never have guessed.
00:46:15It's not what you think.
00:46:17No.
00:46:17Oh, my God.
00:46:18Why haven't you called me?
00:46:19Please.
00:46:20I ran out of minutes.
00:46:21Sorry.
00:46:22Oh.
00:46:23Okay.
00:46:24What are you ladies doing here?
00:46:25We're here for Steve and Michael's anniversary.
00:46:28You know?
00:46:29Don't worry, though.
00:46:30We won't tell Tony if he saw you here.
00:46:32You won't have to.
00:46:34What did you say?
00:46:35Nothing.
00:46:36I don't see Steve or Michael.
00:46:39Oh.
00:46:39That's strange.
00:46:40I wonder where they are.
00:46:41You're probably going at it.
00:46:43You can't see me.
00:46:52When are you going to stop with this ridiculous charade?
00:46:55Just admit, you're not ready for a serious relationship.
00:46:58It's not that.
00:47:00It's just...
00:47:02I can't explain it.
00:47:03Something...
00:47:04Something happened to me.
00:47:05It's got nothing to do with you.
00:47:07It has nothing to do with me.
00:47:08That's the problem.
00:47:11We have to go now.
00:47:12We are late.
00:47:13Our friends are waiting to share our joyous occasion.
00:47:17Fine.
00:47:20You're not wearing that, are you?
00:47:22You gave this to me last Valentine's Day.
00:47:25I'm wearing this for you.
00:47:26What's wrong with it?
00:47:28It's too...
00:47:30Queeny.
00:47:30That's it.
00:47:32If you don't straighten...
00:47:36Unstraighten yourself right now.
00:47:37Now pack your bags and get out!
00:47:40Don't be such a hetero foe.
00:47:42Why?
00:47:55I'm really sorry.
00:47:56My fiance is out here and I just...
00:47:59You know...
00:48:00Let me guess.
00:48:01She doesn't know that you're gay.
00:48:02Gay.
00:48:03Me.
00:48:03No.
00:48:04No.
00:48:04No.
00:48:04I mean, I'm not gay.
00:48:06But at least I wasn't.
00:48:07Look, I'm working it out.
00:48:08Okay?
00:48:10I love newbies.
00:48:14Oh my god.
00:48:15She's coming in here.
00:48:20Dude, what are you doing in here?
00:48:22Get out of here!
00:48:23Don't worry.
00:48:24Don't worry.
00:48:24She's fine.
00:48:25Damn it.
00:48:26It's...
00:48:27It's...
00:48:28It's...
00:48:29It's...
00:48:30Space...
00:48:31Stop!
00:48:32Stop that!
00:48:33Stop it!
00:48:35You guys are so hot!
00:48:38It's not okay!
00:48:40Okay?
00:48:41So just like...
00:48:43My brother comes to this bar sometimes.
00:48:45I can tell you I'm not a big fan of small sizes.
00:48:47Really?
00:48:48I didn't know your brother was gay.
00:48:50Me neither.
00:48:51Talk hot and bad with my boyfriend.
00:48:55Don't!
00:48:56Shh!
00:48:57Jesus, would you stop!
00:48:58Girls, I need to interrupt you.
00:49:00No way!
00:49:01No way!
00:49:02Seriously!
00:49:07I'm curious.
00:49:09Shh!
00:49:11Oh!
00:49:12Whoa!
00:49:13That...
00:49:14Those are mine!
00:49:14Those are mine.
00:49:15Those are mine.
00:49:16It's okay.
00:49:16I'll be getting to the staff.
00:49:18You know what's wrong?
00:49:19Is that my brother?
00:49:20I might be my brother!
00:49:22Oh!
00:49:22Excuse me.
00:49:23Okay.
00:49:24Okay.
00:49:25She's gone.
00:49:25She's left the bathroom.
00:49:26So I'm gonna just do that too.
00:49:33Don't worry.
00:49:33You're safe.
00:49:35Dirty left.
00:49:37Thanks, buddy.
00:49:44What the hell was I thinking?
00:49:47Did I buy this?
00:49:48Yes.
00:49:54And this?
00:49:55Yes!
00:49:57The gayness of them overwhelms me.
00:49:59We have to go.
00:50:00Just pick any freaking coat.
00:50:02If you're gonna yell at me like some drama queen, maybe I just won't go.
00:50:05You know what?
00:50:06Fine.
00:50:07Don't go.
00:50:10What are you doing?
00:50:12Well, I can't go by myself.
00:50:14I will look like a total loser.
00:50:32I totally dated those two guys.
00:50:35But they never kiss me like that.
00:50:37That's a shot.
00:50:39Yeah.
00:50:39Oh, yeah.
00:50:40Tequila now?
00:50:41Some guy offered to do it off of his butt.
00:50:44That's a nutty shot.
00:50:45Cool.
00:50:46Hey, wait.
00:50:47Is that Tony coming out of the bathroom?
00:50:50I doubt it.
00:50:50Tony is completely and utterly in the boat there.
00:50:54Oh, he's afraid of houses?
00:50:57That's gonna be hard.
00:51:00Oh, there you are.
00:51:01Why did you run away so quickly?
00:51:03Man, would you just give me a...
00:51:04Tony!
00:51:05Oh, my God.
00:51:06Did you just go out the bathroom and store with this guy?
00:51:09Uh, no.
00:51:11Yes?
00:51:12Oh, okay, fine.
00:51:13What?
00:51:13A couple of girls go to the bathroom.
00:51:14Nobody says anything.
00:51:15Two guys and it's a big problem.
00:51:17What are you doing in a gay bar?
00:51:19Oh, sweetie.
00:51:20Thank you for letting me borrow.
00:51:22Nothing happened.
00:51:24Could you just, please?
00:51:25No!
00:51:25If you just would...
00:51:26Give us a second.
00:51:27Sarah, he's lying.
00:51:28Tony, what are you doing here?
00:51:32Are those Prada?
00:51:34Huh?
00:51:35Uh...
00:51:35Yeah, would you...
00:51:36Look at that.
00:51:37You know, I must have switched shoes with Steve before.
00:51:39You take your shoes off at work?
00:51:41Forget it.
00:51:43What are you doing here?
00:51:45Here?
00:51:46What am I doing here?
00:51:47Well, uh...
00:51:49You know, what are...
00:51:50Any of us doing here?
00:51:51That's really the question that you want to know.
00:51:53Because, I mean...
00:51:54What are we all doing hurtling through space on this big blue rock?
00:51:59No.
00:52:00No.
00:52:01No, Tony.
00:52:02What are you doing here in this bar?
00:52:04I came here tonight to celebrate with Steve and Michael,
00:52:07who I thought you couldn't stand because they're gay.
00:52:10And here you are.
00:52:12Quite no wonder you think I'm prettier than Megan Fox.
00:52:16Can't tell the bloody difference, can you?
00:52:22I'm as naive as Laura is.
00:52:24No offense, Laura.
00:52:26What?
00:52:27Okay, see...
00:52:28My therapist thinks that...
00:52:30When have you had a therapist?
00:52:33I only went once, okay?
00:52:34And listen, Oprah seemed to think that everybody should be a therapist.
00:52:36It's very important for the human...
00:52:37Oh, Oprah.
00:52:40This is too much for me.
00:52:42Kathy, Laura, I'm leaving.
00:52:44Okay, I'm coming.
00:52:45I just want to say goodnight to Brian.
00:52:47Laura, just give it up!
00:52:50Hey, I know you haven't called,
00:52:52but I figured you probably don't have a lot of minutes on your plan.
00:52:54So we could totally text.
00:52:55I have unlimited texts.
00:52:56Or we could get a family plan.
00:52:57I mean, it's not like they come over and check for a ring or anything.
00:53:00Unless you don't want a family.
00:53:02Do you not want a family?
00:53:02That looks really important to me.
00:53:04But you can let me know, okay?
00:53:06But I hope it's a yes.
00:53:07Okay, I have to go.
00:53:09My friend's having a hard night.
00:53:15Good to see you.
00:53:17Bye.
00:53:19Bye.
00:53:23Bye.
00:53:24Yeah.
00:53:26Cosmo!
00:53:30Can I get that drink?
00:53:50You shouldn't have seen my head.
00:53:52Hey, I shouldn't put it.
00:53:54Hot!
00:53:55Hot!
00:53:56Hot!
00:53:56Hot!
00:53:57Hot!
00:53:57Hot!
00:53:57Hot!
00:53:57Oh, what's something?
00:53:58Look at this.
00:53:59What the hell is the matter with you?
00:54:00Hey, where are you going, gay boy?
00:54:01You wanna suck, I'm talking to you.
00:54:04Gay boy, who's the bar?
00:54:06Look at this queer rig.
00:54:10Go queer.
00:54:17Dude, that is the worst game I've ever seen you play.
00:54:20You ran him through like a fag.
00:54:22What the hell's the matter with you?
00:54:26Hey, you alright?
00:54:29No.
00:54:30Not really.
00:54:33Danny, you're my best man, right?
00:54:35Yeah.
00:54:36So I can tell you anything.
00:54:38Yeah, man.
00:54:42What's up?
00:54:43Don't talk to me.
00:54:49Would you look at this?
00:54:52Everywhere I go.
00:54:55Filthy queers, man.
00:55:02What's up?
00:55:06Love it.
00:55:09I know.
00:55:10Tony and me.
00:55:11Sorry, yes.
00:55:12Tony and I.
00:55:13We'll sort out our problems, I'm sure.
00:55:16But thank you.
00:55:19I've gotta go.
00:55:20I'll see you tomorrow.
00:55:21Love you.
00:55:24So you haven't talked to me in two days.
00:55:25Not that I'm complaining about that, but not for nothing.
00:55:30Why are you telling my mom about our problems?
00:55:33How did you know I was talking to your mother?
00:55:35Well, I know that Laura doesn't correct her English.
00:55:38Okay, fair enough.
00:55:47Are you sure you don't want to give these to Mr. Abs?
00:55:50Nothing happened with that guy.
00:55:52Well, what were you doing in that bar, Tony?
00:55:54I was doing what you told me to do.
00:55:57You know, I was trying to be more understanding of the gays.
00:55:59I was trying to get to know them.
00:56:01Well, I didn't mean getting to know them in the biblical sense in the restroom of a gay bar.
00:56:05Look!
00:56:06I'm sorry, but nothing happened.
00:56:10Okay?
00:56:12Five years were together.
00:56:14You don't think that you would know if I was a homosexual or not?
00:56:17Well, you must admit it's been a bit confusion of late.
00:56:20You're telling me.
00:56:21Listen.
00:56:23Tomorrow.
00:56:24Christmas Day.
00:56:26My parents' house.
00:56:28Please.
00:56:30Tell me that you're going to be able to do this with me.
00:56:35Of course I will.
00:56:37Thanks.
00:56:41I'll get it.
00:56:49I'll get it.
00:56:52Man, I hate that song.
00:57:18Don't you hear the bell?
00:57:20I do.
00:57:27Hello, lovebirds.
00:57:28Hello.
00:57:29How are you, dear?
00:57:31Well, considering everything, I think I'm doing pretty good.
00:57:34Doing pretty well.
00:57:36What's the difference?
00:57:38English.
00:57:39Why does everybody want to butcher the language?
00:57:49Uh, Tony?
00:57:53Yo, Tony.
00:57:56Hey, kid!
00:57:58What exactly are you doing?
00:58:00Well, I thought it helped with the dinner.
00:58:02Who are you kidding?
00:58:03You can't even make toast.
00:58:07It's truffle oil.
00:58:09Actually, he made a gourmet chicken masala meal the other night.
00:58:12Really?
00:58:13I didn't even know he could cook.
00:58:16Turns out there's a few things that we both didn't know about Tony.
00:58:19Like what?
00:58:20I think I know my Tony pretty well.
00:58:23Hey, what happened the other night?
00:58:26That's our business, Mom.
00:58:28Oh, what did my Tony do wrong, Sarah?
00:58:31Yeah, give us all the dirt on Rambo.
00:58:33I'd ask if you caught him watching internet porn, but we all know that Tony still thinks that www means
00:58:37world wrestling.
00:58:38Yeah, good one.
00:58:39So, why is it that they automatically assumed this was my fault?
00:58:43Well, sweetie, it wasn't my fault I ran into you at a gay bar.
00:58:46Ran into you at a gay bar?
00:58:48This is getting good.
00:58:50You heard that?
00:58:52I hear everything.
00:58:54Oh my God.
00:58:55So, Sarah, what were you doing at a gay bar?
00:58:59Well, me and my friends, we-
00:59:02My friends and I.
00:59:03Sorry, Mary, you're correct.
00:59:04My friends and I, we went to celebrate with my friend Steve and his boyfriend Michael for their anniversary.
00:59:11Oh well, at least somebody's celebrating anniversaries.
00:59:15More importantly, what were you doing at a place where they sing and wear chaps?
00:59:21Well, you know what, Mom?
00:59:23This turkey looks delicious.
00:59:24I think we should eat.
00:59:25Yeah.
00:59:25We should definitely eat.
00:59:26I did not raise my son to hang out with no Froot Loops.
00:59:30Any Froot Loops.
00:59:31Otherwise, it's a double negative.
00:59:33Mary, what the hell are you doing?
00:59:36You just find out that your son's hanging out in a gay bar and you're worried about the floor?
00:59:41Okay, this is how I deal with things, okay?
00:59:43I clean.
00:59:45It's easier to clean a floor than change my son's sexual orientation.
00:59:50Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
00:59:52No, no, no, no, no, no, no, oh, oh.
00:59:55No son of mine is gay!
00:59:58How do you-
00:59:58Look at him!
00:59:59Hey, he was all stayed in high school for Christ's sake!
01:00:02Get that thing off you!
01:00:04Damn it!
01:00:05Damn it!
01:00:06Jeez!
01:00:08Okay, honey, we love you even if you are gay.
01:00:14But you aren't!
01:00:16Well, what if I was?
01:00:18You know I don't like them theoreticals.
01:00:20No, no. You know what, Pop? You're gonna answer this one.
01:00:24What if I was gay?
01:00:25Actually, it's what if I were gay, not was.
01:00:27The rule in English...
01:00:28Stop correcting us!
01:00:32I'm an English teacher. It's what I do.
01:00:36But you are not gay.
01:00:38Oh, maybe I am.
01:00:40Want to stand there and argue with me?
01:00:42I mean, cause the last time I checked,
01:00:44this was my house which makes me king.
01:00:46Which means I make all the rules.
01:00:49And I say that you are not gay and that's final.
01:00:53Yeah, well, maybe I should just go, king.
01:00:55Well, maybe you should.
01:00:56Oh, this is so going on, YouTube.
01:00:58Stephanie, please cut that out.
01:01:01You would put your own son out on Christmas.
01:01:04I ain't the one throwing him out. It's his idea.
01:01:06Don't use the word ain't. It's ludicrous.
01:01:09Oh, what the hell does ludicrous mean?
01:01:10It means ridiculous.
01:01:14I am really proud of you.
01:01:17Not for being gay, but for knowing what ludicrous means.
01:01:21We should be in right now, Pop.
01:01:24Come on, Sarah.
01:01:26Come on!
01:01:27I'm sorry, Mary.
01:01:31Go, Sarah!
01:01:32Sit down!
01:01:33Sit down!
01:01:34What?
01:01:34I don't even know what the hell happened here!
01:01:46Ho ho ho!
01:01:47Merry Christmas!
01:02:08That was a mess.
01:02:16Tony, I don't think I can go through with this.
01:02:19I refuse to make the same mistake that Liza Minnelli and her mother made.
01:02:24I'm not going to marry a guy that's on the down low.
01:02:29I'm sorry, the wedding's off.
01:02:32I'm sorry about the old gift thing.
01:02:34I just forgot.
01:02:37It's Christmas.
01:02:38You could have made some sort of effort.
01:02:40You look like a total slob.
01:02:43Who cares?
01:02:44Nobody's here.
01:02:46I'm here.
01:02:48Thanks for ruining Christmas.
01:03:18I'm here.
01:03:19It's a great day, dino.
01:03:21Sonny, man.
01:03:21Why don't you make me feel.
01:03:22Sonny, man.
01:03:22The man who knows.
01:03:22He did one class.
01:03:22You like that?
01:03:23Sonny, man.
01:03:23Hey, I told you we would come back again.
01:03:27Sonny, man.
01:03:28Sonny, man.
01:03:31Listen, guys, I used to be just like you, you know?
01:03:34Come on, man, isn't there something better you guys could be doing with your time?
01:03:37Yo, check it out, man.
01:03:38Ain't nothing better I could do with my time than wasting on a cocksucker.
01:03:41Hey, get him, homie. Get him, homie. Get him, homie.
01:03:49What's up, I taught you, poop, homie.
01:03:51You shouldn't have come, man.
01:03:52Let's get out of here, homies.
01:04:09Thanks, kiddo.
01:04:12I'm sorry.
01:04:14Thanks, Stephanie.
01:04:16You can call me kiddo if you want.
01:04:20I'm sorry about what happened to you.
01:04:24You're not going to start wearing my dresses now, are you?
01:04:27Get out of here.
01:04:41God, I know it's been a long time since I've prayed.
01:04:45Actually, it's been about ten years.
01:04:49Are you testing me?
01:04:52I mean, am I being punished for something?
01:04:54Because I feel like you're trying to teach me a lesson here,
01:04:57but I always thought that it was wrong in your eyes to be gay.
01:05:05And whatever's going on with me,
01:05:07I just wish you could make me normal again.
01:05:11I'm sorry.
01:05:13I didn't mean normal.
01:05:15I just meant normal for me.
01:05:21Anyway, any help you could send my way would be really welcome.
01:05:30Amen.
01:05:40Really?
01:05:42What?
01:05:45Nothing, never mind.
01:05:46Just, uh...
01:05:47What are you doing here?
01:05:50I heard what happened.
01:05:52Yeah, I got, uh...
01:05:56Mugged.
01:05:57Yeah, I got mugged, too.
01:06:00Same spot.
01:06:01A couple years ago.
01:06:04Yeah, Steve, I really owe you an apology, man.
01:06:06I've been a...
01:06:07Real asshole.
01:06:09I gotta tell you, man,
01:06:10I am definitely not the same man I used to be.
01:06:14Well, that's ironic, cause, uh...
01:06:16Neither am I.
01:06:18How's that?
01:06:19For one thing, I'm not with Michael anymore.
01:06:21Oh, man, I'm sorry.
01:06:23He was a real catch.
01:06:25Yeah.
01:06:26What happened?
01:06:29I'm just not attracted to him anymore.
01:06:31Well, I mean, there are...
01:06:34a lot of really cute guys out there.
01:06:38Yeah, that's not gonna work either.
01:06:41What do you mean?
01:06:43Well, Tony, it's obvious.
01:06:44You've been hiding your feelings for a really long time.
01:06:46Actually, I...
01:06:47No, no, no, no, no, just...
01:06:48Let me...
01:06:50Um...
01:06:50You know, you're finally discovering who you are, and, uh...
01:06:54Well, it turns out...
01:06:56I'm not who I thought I was.
01:07:01Tony, I'm straight.
01:07:03Straight?
01:07:05So you mean, like...
01:07:07straight.
01:07:10Like...
01:07:10an arrow.
01:07:13So what?
01:07:14You've been...
01:07:15pretending to be gay this whole time?
01:07:18It just happened recently.
01:07:22How recently?
01:07:27Don't worry, buddy.
01:07:29We're gonna fix this.
01:07:30Yes.
01:07:31I hope so.
01:07:33Because...
01:07:36Because for the first time, I now know that I'm in love with Michael.
01:07:41I mean, I really am in love with him, and...
01:07:44I miss him so much.
01:07:48So...
01:07:49you haven't changed?
01:07:52No, I did.
01:07:53I...
01:07:54I just love him anyway.
01:07:58I know there's nothing in the way, not even...
01:08:00sexuality.
01:08:02I can't picture myself being with anyone else for the rest of my life.
01:08:06Man or woman.
01:08:09Yeah, I know what you mean.
01:08:13So your, uh...
01:08:14your folks...
01:08:15you know...
01:08:16are they okay with...
01:08:18you know, it?
01:08:20My father hadn't talked to me for close to two years.
01:08:24He's the one who wanted me to play football.
01:08:26I hated it.
01:08:28Except for the locker room.
01:08:30No, I really don't want to play soccer.
01:08:33Yeah.
01:08:34You know, me too.
01:08:35My dad always said it was a pussy sport.
01:08:43Never told anybody that.
01:08:54Are you breaking up with me?
01:08:56We're not dating.
01:08:58Ryan...
01:08:59I think I finally understand.
01:09:02You're bisexual, aren't you?
01:09:04Yes, Laura.
01:09:05I'm bisexual.
01:09:06I have sex with gay men and straight men.
01:09:09I knew it.
01:09:15Good.
01:09:16You're all here.
01:09:17Listen.
01:09:17Something really weird is going on, and we're not sure what, but something happened, and well, now I'm...
01:09:22gay.
01:09:23And now I'm straight.
01:09:25I think I'm bulimic.
01:09:27I just keep forgetting to throw up.
01:09:29Guys, stop being ridiculous.
01:09:31No, Sarah, it's true.
01:09:33You're right.
01:09:37Yeah.
01:09:38What are you doing?
01:09:39I'm just trying to prove to her that I'm straight.
01:09:41Yeah, well, could you maybe prove it another way?
01:09:44You never kissed me like that when we dated.
01:09:47Were you really flirting with me at the Christmas party?
01:09:50Yeah, in fact, that's when it started.
01:09:52I remember I felt a little different.
01:09:54Yeah.
01:09:55No, I remember feeling a little different too, but I just thought that I drank too much.
01:10:00Wow.
01:10:01I was really a dick, huh?
01:10:03Yeah.
01:10:04Yeah, you kept insulting me, and I remember I wished you were gay to teach you a lesson.
01:10:08Yeah, I know, and I wished that you were straight.
01:10:13That still doesn't explain what happened.
01:10:16Maybe all you have to do is wish it undone.
01:10:18Come on, Laura, get real.
01:10:20No, I mean, she's got a point.
01:10:22There's no harm in trying, right?
01:10:25Okay, I, um, I wish you were straight.
01:10:29No, I mean, I wish you were straight, but like uncomfortable watching Olympic wrestling straight.
01:10:33Yeah, yeah, exactly.
01:10:35And I wish that you were gay, but not just gay.
01:10:36I'm talking like super gay.
01:10:37I mean like village people, cheerleader, hairdresser, gay.
01:10:43Well, let's test it out.
01:10:46What?
01:10:59Nothing.
01:11:00Man, we really have to figure out how this happened.
01:11:03Could have been the angel ornament at the boss's house.
01:11:07What are you talking about?
01:11:08Uh, well, at the party when Steve wished that Tony was gay and Tony wished that Steve was straight,
01:11:15the angel lit up.
01:11:17It was pretty.
01:11:19And you didn't tell us about this why?
01:11:22Oh, I thought you'd think I was an idiot.
01:11:25Well, if the shoe fits.
01:11:29The angel! The angel!
01:11:42Boss! Boss!
01:11:43What's wrong?
01:11:44Where's the angel?
01:11:45Not that it's any of your business.
01:11:47But she stayed at her place tonight.
01:11:50Her parents are in town and we...
01:11:51No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:11:52The Christmas angel!
01:11:54Oh, that.
01:11:56Oh, well, Mr. Vlatch wanted it back.
01:11:58Apparently someone accidentally threw it in the dumpster.
01:12:01And it means a lot to him or something because he gave me a hard time
01:12:04and I took it right over to his house yesterday morning.
01:12:06Shit!
01:12:07We need that back!
01:12:09We gotta go over there.
01:12:09Right now.
01:12:10Come on.
01:12:10Stop!
01:12:11Are you kids insane?
01:12:14It is 1038!
01:12:16I can't have two of my employees going over to my most esteemed client's house
01:12:20and disturbing him in the middle of the frickin' night?
01:12:23Alright, alright.
01:12:24No problem.
01:12:25I go see Bruce first thing in the morning.
01:12:26I get the angel back and plenty of time for the wedding.
01:12:29Okay.
01:12:29But also, bring donuts.
01:12:32Make sure they're fresh.
01:12:33He can tell.
01:12:34And he also likes the double nonfat mocha grande.
01:12:40Okay.
01:12:41And you.
01:12:42Go to the back freezer.
01:12:43Grab a steak.
01:12:44Put it on your face.
01:12:45Get to bed, boys!
01:12:51Kids.
01:12:57You better hurry up, because you haven't got much time, and we want you on our team.
01:13:01Oh, Bruce.
01:13:03If you're Jewish, why do you have a magic Christmas angel in the first place?
01:13:05If Bette Midler and Barbra Streisand, two bigger Jews than I, can put out Christmas CDs, I can have a
01:13:11Christmas angel.
01:13:13Besides, a magic menorah is impossible to find.
01:13:17Thanks.
01:13:18Really, I've looked.
01:13:18I've looked everywhere.
01:13:20They laughed at me out of Van Cleef and Arpel.
01:13:28Good.
01:13:28Please, tell me you have the angel.
01:13:30Not exactly.
01:13:31But, but, but, but.
01:13:32I know where it is.
01:13:32Just, we, we gotta hurry.
01:13:34I'll explain it along the way.
01:13:35Okay.
01:13:35Sarah, hand me my tux.
01:13:37I gotta go ungay myself.
01:13:41You better be back in time for the wedding.
01:13:42I will.
01:13:43I promise.
01:13:47I said, I know, I know.
01:13:55It turns out Bruce Willans bought the angel and a bunch of other crap at some school bazaar.
01:13:59But they sold the angel by mistake and they made him give it back.
01:14:02I just hope we get there in time.
01:14:04Alright, what do you mean in time?
01:14:05Bruce said that the angel was rumored to be magical, which of course he didn't believe until us.
01:14:10He also went on to say that once the angel is back on top of the tree and in the
01:14:14hands of its rightful owner at the school's New Year's Eve holiday show, which they're rehearsing for right this second,
01:14:21all wishes will become irreversible.
01:14:23Well, shut up and drive, butch!
01:14:31Holy mother of God.
01:14:33This is my old Catholic school.
01:14:35This is where the angel is.
01:14:36We're not going in there.
01:14:38Hey, do you want to get married to Sarah or do you want to toss guys salads for the rest
01:14:41of your life?
01:14:43Yeah.
01:15:00Oh my God.
01:15:02It's Sister Betty.
01:15:04Why did it have to be her?
01:15:06She's the reason I'm so homophobic.
01:15:09Okay.
01:15:10The angel, can we get it back?
01:15:13Yeah.
01:15:14Yeah, you know what, follow me.
01:15:26Who are you?
01:15:28Well, the father thought that we could come by and help you today.
01:15:33Yes, I'm Sister Anne and this is Sister Tony.
01:15:37Tony with an I.
01:15:38Father who?
01:15:40Here, let me help you put that up on the tree.
01:15:43No, I can manage it myself.
01:15:46Yes, but Sister, it's a long way up and you look weary.
01:15:50No, thank you.
01:15:51I've been doing this myself for 30 years and just go away.
01:15:56Get out of here.
01:15:58But we insist.
01:16:00No.
01:16:01No.
01:16:01No!
01:16:02No!
01:16:04No!
01:16:04No!
01:16:13I wish I was straight!
01:16:15I wish I were gay!
01:16:28Little Tony Parisi, I should have known.
01:16:33Now, why did you say you wished you were straight?
01:16:37There's nothing wrong with being gay.
01:16:39What are you talking about?
01:16:42You said it was evil.
01:16:44You said I was going to hell.
01:16:45Well, that was over 20 years ago, my son.
01:16:49Get with the times!
01:16:54All right, all right.
01:16:56Well, it's been really nice seeing you, sis,
01:16:58but for the love of God, we gotta get out of here.
01:17:00I'm late.
01:17:09Do you feel any different?
01:17:10I think so.
01:17:11I don't know.
01:17:12You?
01:17:13I don't know.
01:17:13I think so.
01:17:15We'll find out.
01:17:42Tony!
01:17:42Where the hell you been?
01:17:43John, watch your mouth. We're in God's house.
01:17:46Pot, what do you got on your feet?
01:17:49These are my new products. Cool, huh?
01:18:03Yeah, it's ready.
01:18:06Where are the triplets?
01:18:08They decide to take their nap.
01:18:09We'll get them out when the newlyweds get here.
01:18:12Oh, hey, speak of the devil, see how they come now.
01:18:14Hey!
01:18:15Hey!
01:18:16Congratulations, guys!
01:18:17Thank you. We had to go all the way to Iowa to do it, but it was so worth it.
01:18:21Hey, where's the best man?
01:18:23He should be right behind us.
01:18:25Hi, everyone.
01:18:27Hey, guys.
01:18:28Hi, you're finally starting to show.
01:18:31Oh, thank you.
01:18:32Hey, well, for a minute there, weren't sure if you had it in you.
01:18:35Ah, whatever.
01:18:37Well, I gotta tell you, Cosmos are pretty good, but nothing beats Corona.
01:18:42Beer me.
01:18:47What are you doing here?
01:18:49Tony and Sarah, this is my new boyfriend, Keith.
01:18:52Sorry what happened that night at the bar.
01:18:54I was going through a bit of a rough breakup and I took it out on you.
01:18:58Apology accepted.
01:19:00Sarah, nothing really happened.
01:19:02Thanks, I appreciate that.
01:19:04That's your loss, big guy.
01:19:08Congratulations, gentlemen.
01:19:09Hey, boss!
01:19:11Wow, boss, you look so...
01:19:13Stylish!
01:19:14Yeah.
01:19:14I do look stylish because the image is important, kids.
01:19:18You know, especially in this game where perception is reality.
01:19:21We're in the big leagues now, so sometimes you gotta show it off.
01:19:25And I gotta be honest, apart from my beautiful, beautiful fiancee here,
01:19:30good fortune has been my mistress these last few months.
01:19:33And you all here have had a very small piece of making that happen.
01:19:38Very small.
01:19:41Hey, guys, guys.
01:19:44To happy couples.
01:19:46To babies.
01:19:48To family.
01:19:49eyes.
01:19:50And I was like a family earner.
01:19:51A family, family, nice.
01:19:54Seek in the eyes.
01:19:55I feel like I do, just like my school, just like my jobs.
01:19:59Sitting in the back and watching old ladies' mess.
01:20:02Just like my style, just like my life.
01:20:06This could be the end of watching old ladies' mess.
01:20:09Wow, wow, wow, why, wow, why?
01:20:14I said, wow, why?
01:20:15I said, wow, why?
01:20:25Hey, did any of you see where Bruce and Laura went?
01:20:28I don't know.
01:20:35I finally converted one.
01:20:38Not really.
01:20:39I was thinking about Mario Lopez the whole time.
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