- hace 2 horas
Manuela Escobar, magíster en sexología y fundadora y CEO de Serez, presentó Serez 360, una plataforma de bienestar sexual femenino. En entrevista con El Espectador habla sobre educación sexual y deseo femenino.
Categoría
🗞
NoticiasTranscripción
00:00Hello to all the audience and viewers, welcome to our sexuality format.
00:03Today we are joined by Manuela Escobar, welcome, how are you?
00:06Thank you Lucetti, happy to be here with you.
00:08I love it, well, I'd like you to tell us a little bit about your experience
00:11And with that, we'll move on to the questions our readers have asked us.
00:16Well, I've been focused on raising awareness about female sexuality for 7 years.
00:20These past 7 years have allowed me to learn about the patterns that many women in Latin America share.
00:24we have been repeating this for decades.
00:26And my focus on beings, which is the space where I communicate and where I teach,
00:31It's about you and I learning to redefine sexuality, but this time through knowledge.
00:35Because ultimately there is a historical debt with sex education; we didn't receive it.
00:39The one we received was very low and was very focused either on fear or prevention, almost never
00:44in pleasure.
00:44So what starts to happen when we begin to build stable romantic relationships
00:48This is where we see that we have issues to work on regarding sexuality, and nobody taught us how.
00:52My approach is to give women the tools to learn how to experience their sexuality in a better way.
00:58And thanks to that, I've spent many good years understanding them, listening to them, and listening to myself.
01:03also understanding what my limiting beliefs were, which prevented me from experiencing sexuality well
01:07And as a result, we have created a beautiful community, almost two million women across all networks
01:13And that has been a really beautiful journey.
01:15But only women, because men also have that kind of debt to men, right?
01:19Sure, absolutely.
01:21Look, there are two great masters in sexuality.
01:23The first is that of men, who is a terrible teacher.
01:25Who taught the man about adult content?
01:28And what does the adult content say?
01:29Lies, it's the science fiction of sexuality.
01:32Then I sold the man an idea of what sexuality with women should be like.
01:36when it's quite the opposite.
01:37But of course, the stimuli are different.
01:39In the case of women, the great teacher was fear.
01:42So, what do we say with fear?
01:43Initially, the risk of becoming pregnant, of contracting a sexually transmitted disease
01:46When we start to get older and already have stable relationships,
01:50then to not being enough, to not having good sex, to not getting pregnant
01:53And we almost never ask ourselves how easy it is to connect with our pleasure.
01:57So yes, my focus is on women.
01:59I have a percentage of around 20% of silent men.
02:03I think they're the men who follow me, who are the partners of the women who are there.
02:07who want to learn, but my focus is really more on women.
02:10Okay. So, based on that, we're going to ask you some questions that our readers have asked us.
02:14Ready.
02:15Is it normal to stop feeling desire for your partner?
02:18It's normal when we don't understand that sexuality, like relationships, requires effort and daily work.
02:23Because one of the most limiting beliefs about sexuality, and the one that was sold to all of us,
02:26Men and women, it has to happen spontaneously, right?
02:29When we're in a relationship, sexuality has to flow and it has to work perfectly.
02:33But what happens over time is that as time begins to grow, so does love and affection.
02:39increase,
02:39But passion tends to diminish. It's an inversely proportional curve.
02:43Why does passion decrease?
02:44Because we believe it has to happen spontaneously, and that's not how it works.
02:48It works in the first three years, which is where the infatuation is.
02:51But as time begins to pass, the brain gets used to receiving the same type of stimulus.
02:57And when sexuality becomes predictable, it ceases to be interesting.
03:00That's why the first few years of relationships work perfectly.
03:04We enjoy it, let sexuality be natural, fluid, as it should be.
03:08But as the years go by, we say, we're not having as much sex as we used to.
03:13We're not enjoying it as much as before because, I don't know, the stimuli are always the same.
03:17We no longer have different practices, and that's where the true role of sex education begins.
03:23It's understanding that however you are experiencing your sexuality today, you can change it.
03:26Because you can have new tools, new practices, you can start focusing on yourself.
03:31And that's the first step as women.
03:33How well do I know myself?
03:35Luzetti, we almost never ask ourselves that.
03:37Look, we're really good at a lot of things.
03:39We were taught to be good at our jobs, to go and study or pursue our careers,
03:45We are good at doing things around the house; we have many skills.
03:48But when we've asked ourselves how important our sexuality is, never.
03:53As women, it is rare at the same time.
03:56And that means that when you're having sex with another person,
03:59You don't even know what your map is.
04:01So how do you intend to guide someone else if you don't even know what you need most?
04:06And desire has several triggers.
04:08I don't know if you want us to explain the two types of desire.
04:10Ready.
04:11So, when we talk about sexual desire, from a clinical perspective we have two types of desire.
04:16They never teach us this.
04:17If women hadn't taught this to men too, we would have saved ourselves moments of worry.
04:23Because I'm sure that people who have been watching us for 5, 10, 15 years are experiencing a lack of sexual desire.
04:27completely turned off
04:28And this may be one of the reasons.
04:30Desire can be spontaneous or it can be reactive.
04:33Spontaneous, the desire that comes without being sought.
04:35It works very well in those first months of a relationship, in those first years,
04:39When we're getting to know someone, because, of course, there's that adrenaline, all that chemical flirting in the brain
04:43and it is closely related to man.
04:45Why have men had free rein to live their sexuality?
04:48Not so much us.
04:49Then, the responsive desire.
04:51This is the one that works for the vast majority of women in the world.
04:54It is the desire that arises after the context, not before.
04:59So, it's the desire that arises afterwards, when we are in the encounter, not before the encounter.
05:04It arises according to the stimuli you are implementing in your body and mind that work well.
05:08So when a woman knows exactly what she needs to connect and asks for it in a nice way,
05:14In other words, there is assertive sexual communication; desire can be worked on.
05:18Because desire works like a muscle.
05:20The more you train it, the stronger and more developed it becomes.
05:26So, it works exactly the same way.
05:27The thing is, we were sold this idea that desire always had to be in full bloom.
05:31leather,
05:31But after five years we feel the same way.
05:34That's where we need to start asking ourselves what we're doing to connect with our partners.
05:38when we've been at it for a long time.
05:40And much of that comes from intimacy as well.
05:42If you'd like, we can talk a little more about that topic now.
05:44But then, how do you address these issues with your partner when you've always been taught that it's natural?
05:51As you were saying earlier?
05:52The first thing is to learn to speak.
05:54Sexuality has a language, and we must learn to speak it.
05:57Because we're also very good at communicating many other things,
06:00But the vast majority of couples in the world don't talk about sex.
06:03I don't know about you, they don't talk.
06:04Sex is talked about either when it's lacking or when something is very wrong.
06:08But never, tell me, right?
06:10We never talk when things are going well, when we want to improve,
06:13when we want to include, I don't know, different practical tools,
06:16different knowledge.
06:18The first step will always be sexual communication.
06:20And why does she have to be assertive?
06:22Because it is a vulnerable issue,
06:24for both men and women,
06:26The last thing we want is to have a conversation
06:28that instead of supporting the relationship, it goes against it.
06:30And if you think about it,
06:32almost every time we have conversations with our partners,
06:34We start from the complaint,
06:36from complaint and from absolutes.
06:38It's just that you never do what I ask you to do.
06:41It's just that you always expect me to take the initiative.
06:44And when we started having this kind of conversation,
06:47Furthermore, we are not so used to talking about our sexuality
06:50not even with our partners,
06:52Well, that's an important point to work on.
06:55Okay, so let's talk first.
06:57And then everything starts to flow.
06:59Another question our readers ask us is
07:02How often is it normal to have sex?
07:05I love that question because it doesn't have a single answer.
07:09And what some people will always expect is for me to say that every day,
07:13others once a month,
07:14And there isn't really one number that applies to all couples.
07:17because each couple has a very different indication.
07:19It's not the same for a couple who are starting a relationship,
07:22It's not the same for a couple like my husband and I,
07:25We've been together for seven years and have a one-and-a-half-year-old baby.
07:28It's not the same for a couple who have been together for thirty years and have an empty nest.
07:31It's going to change a lot.
07:32What is important is to ask ourselves this.
07:36And there are two fundamental agreements in couple relationships
07:39which will prevent many arguments regarding sexuality.
07:41The first is the frequency, how often we want to connect,
07:44but not from pressure,
07:46Not since we have to meet a certain number, because I was told it was every day.
07:49but how often you really want to connect with me.
07:53If your partner wants it once a month and you want it every day,
07:56We need to reach an agreement.
07:57And there we need to understand something,
07:59If, in the specific case of the woman, it is she who does not want to have sex,
08:02The question is how pleasurable is the sex he's having.
08:06Because if the woman is not feeling pleasure,
08:08He won't want to repeat it either.
08:09It's very different from how men experience it.
08:11And that's why we need to delve deep into what her limiting beliefs are.
08:15What is it that's preventing me from enjoying myself?
08:17So the first agreement, this one, the frequency.
08:20And the second agreement is who takes the initiative.
08:23Because culturally, you know,
08:25We grew up in a society where who takes the initiative.
08:27The man.
08:28But what happens when we've been at it for many years?
08:30And the man takes the initiative again and again.
08:33And the woman rejects it again and again?
08:35And this can happen in both directions.
08:37Although it is most common for it to be a man,
08:39There are also relationships where the woman is the one in the relationship.
08:41who takes the initiative and the man rejects it.
08:43So what happens when a person always takes
08:46the initiative and control to facilitate the meetings
08:49And receives a negative response?
08:50He begins to feel unwanted, unheard.
08:53And the one who always receives the offer and rejects it,
08:55He begins to feel pressure,
08:56She begins to feel that she is not agreeing simply to please the other person.
09:00But if we start to divide the burden
09:02And we have a responsibility to cultivate our sexuality.
09:06as if it were a job, literally,
09:08as if we were working on the most important relationship
09:11that we have in our lives
09:12And we get up every day
09:13understanding that we cannot take it for granted
09:14to the person who is standing there in front,
09:16but quite the opposite,
09:17We have to make that person want to live life with us.
09:21And how is that done?
09:22In private.
09:23Note, intimacy is what happens with clothes on.
09:25We forget that too often.
09:26And when we talk about desire,
09:28The first thing that is lost is privacy.
09:29I don't know if this happens to you or has happened to you at some point
09:31that when we have been in a relationship for a long time,
09:34those small details of intimacy,
09:35for example, like kissing,
09:37Kissing for a long time, without any sexual context, is lost.
09:40We stopped hugging each other, we stopped touching each other.
09:43We only do it when we're going to have an intimate encounter
09:45And that's where the first mistake lies.
09:47Because emotional intimacy is fundamental to connecting
09:50and especially for women.
09:52So, when we want to be in a safe environment
09:54and feel good about having sex with our partners,
09:57The first thing that needs to be right is that emotional intimacy.
09:59How much do we hug each other on a daily basis?
10:01How much did we kiss?
10:02In fact, I don't know if you're familiar with the Gottman Institute.
10:04They are two psychologists who have been working for years,
10:06over 30 years studying many couples around the world.
10:09They conducted a study and concluded that couples who kiss
10:12six seconds a day, without sexual intent,
10:15They last longer than couples who don't.
10:17Because it's something small, but it's part of everyday life.
10:20Sometimes when we look back we say
10:22When did we stop having sex a year ago?
10:24or at what point we've been together for 20 years
10:26and we don't even hold hands anymore.
10:28But when you start to think about it,
10:29They are the small acts of everyday life
10:31those who build couple relationships.
10:33And that's something we really forget.
10:35Routines.
10:36As soon as we get up, we're going to exercise.
10:38We also work on cultivating our relationships.
10:41and not just thinking about sex and momentary desire.
10:45Sure, can you imagine if we did that?
10:47of our intimacy as a couple and our sexuality as a couple
10:49a routine like we do every day.
10:52Because there are two concepts: routine and monotony.
10:54Everyone is probably thinking,
10:56But routine, who wants a sexual routine?
10:59It works perfectly.
11:00Because when there's a dynamic that already works for you
11:02And sexually speaking, it works for you.
11:04Why not repeat it?
11:05That's routine.
11:06And monotony is repeating the same sexual script.
11:08And that is also closely linked to low libido.
11:10The sexual script is this script that you repeat over and over again.
11:14which initially worked very well,
11:16But what happens when you've been at it for three, five, ten years?
11:18You say, no more of the same.
11:20Because you already know how it's going to start,
11:22You already know exactly what's going to happen at halftime.
11:24And you also know how long it will last and how it will end.
11:27So that's what being predictable is all about.
11:29Sexuality needs novelty.
11:31When we stop thinking that novelty is a luxury
11:34and we understand that it is a need in sexuality,
11:37We began to see with creativity and with curious eyes
11:40to sexuality.
11:40And that's something we desperately need.
11:42Because you can be with a person for more than ten years
11:45and improve your sexuality every year
11:46only if you focus your attention on that,
11:49to learn, to do different things,
11:51to have different tools,
11:53of having different practices.
11:54And now the information is at your fingertips.
11:57The problem is that we have to be careful about where those sources come from.
11:59And what sources are you consulting?
12:01But ultimately, if what you want is to improve your sexuality,
12:05Start studying it as if it were a master's degree.
12:08With knowledge, with a deep understanding of your body,
12:10your partner's body,
12:11of what you need to feel pleasure,
12:13of what your partner needs.
12:15If either person has difficulty communicating
12:17and another finds it easier to put in the relationship
12:20each person's skills
12:22and start working on it literally as if it were a job.
12:25That's how it should be.
12:26The way things should be.
12:27Well, another question is,
12:29Is it possible to love someone and not feel sexual desire for that person?
12:32Which ties in somewhat with what we've been talking about,
12:34But what can you say to people who question these kinds of things?
12:38Love and desire follow different paths.
12:41And really, when we talk about two fundamental forces in sexuality,
12:46They are two very opposite forces.
12:48You need, first,
12:50which is the strength of feeling safe,
12:52that you belong to that relationship,
12:54You want to know everything about the other person,
12:56You want to know where he is, how he's doing.
12:58That's what it means to belong to the relationship.
13:00But what happens to that sense of belonging that begins to kill the other force?
13:03What is new, what is adrenaline?
13:06The difference, what we experienced at the beginning.
13:08As we can see, these are two very opposite forces,
13:10They still need to be worked on.
13:11The problem is that when love starts to flow
13:15And we're kind of on the same page in this respect,
13:19We tend to put sexuality aside.
13:21Because we believe it has to happen spontaneously,
13:24Luzetti, but it doesn't happen that way.
13:25I come from the future.
13:27I come from the future after seven years and a daughter,
13:30I can tell you that sexuality survives the years
13:34in stable relationships
13:35when both people are committed to making it happen.
13:38They are committed to talking about it,
13:40to have a clear understanding of its frequency,
13:41to understand, for example, how to keep this flame alive.
13:44If we enjoy the adrenaline rush of those first few months,
13:46What can we do to maintain it over the years?
13:49Try something new together.
13:51Just something new.
13:52And the newer, the better.
13:53So, when we're talking about romantic dates,
13:55We almost always go to a restaurant we like.
13:57And we repeat, in fact.
13:59But if what you want is to take your partner out of their comfort zone,
14:03Choose a novel date.
14:05I don't know, a cocktail class, a barbecue workshop,
14:07a pottery workshop, something different.
14:10Doing something different tells your brain,
14:12He's sending her the same signals of desire.
14:14The problem is that it can't distinguish one from the other.
14:16But it does create a lot of rapport.
14:18So, the same thing happens when we're in bed.
14:20Start finding different tools,
14:23moments to do different things,
14:25understand my pleasure accelerators and inhibitors.
14:28I love that concept.
14:29Because when we talk about desire,
14:30and we understand that desire is responsive
14:32for the vast majority of women,
14:34We also need to understand that for that excitation process to happen
14:36It happens in a good way, it works on a plateau,
14:39I need to apply accelerators.
14:40When you press the accelerator of the car,
14:42You'll get to your destination faster.
14:44The same thing happens in sexuality.
14:45So, what you need to do here is step on the gas.
14:48so that the excitation process occurs properly.
14:50Accelerator is a stimulus that when you apply it to your mind
14:52or in your body it works so well
14:54that connects you with the moment and is a trigger of desire.
14:57So, something we should all know,
14:59What are our accelerators?
15:01What connects me?
15:02And also, what inhibits me?
15:03The inhibitor works like a brake.
15:05You can be doing very well.
15:06And the moment and the encounter may have started well,
15:09But if something happens that triggers you,
15:12Complete disconnection, that's the extent of the encounter.
15:14So, you can love a person very much,
15:17But if you've never talked about sexuality with that person,
15:19Your wish will probably be on the floor.
15:22And that's what's important,
15:23to understand that it is everyone's responsibility.
15:25If you are experiencing low libido,
15:27What are you doing to change it?
15:29Imagine that I conducted a survey in Ceres.
15:329,153 women, I learned the number because it was incredible.
15:359,153 women responded.
15:38Of those, 7 out of 10 claim to have low sexual desire.
15:42And 77% say it's due to sexual monotony.
15:47But 89% say they have never done anything to improve their sexuality.
15:52So, one number tells you about the other.
15:55You can't expect to have a sex life where there's no monotony.
15:58If you don't study, if you don't learn,
16:00if you don't understand that pleasure can also be learned.
16:02That in the end, like any other area of life,
16:04It's something you can start experiencing in a better way.
16:06if you have the knowledge.
16:08Knowledge is power.
16:09Being able to make decisions, being able to know what you like,
16:12be able to talk about it with your partner.
16:13And a big part of that is making the decision to view sexuality.
16:16as something that wasn't sold to us from a young age.
16:20Take it for what it is today,
16:21which is an important part of our lives,
16:23which is an integral part of emotional well-being,
16:26mental, physical of our body.
16:28And to finally have sex education.
16:30that we didn't have when we were young.
16:33And Luzetti, the best way to learn about sexuality
16:36It is by having accompaniment.
16:37And that's what I do on Ceres.
16:38That's what I've been doing for the past 7 years.
16:40And right now Ceres 360 is coming out
16:42which is like the search manual
16:44that all women need in one place
16:47find all the information you need
16:49about desires, about routine in a relationship,
16:51about communication, about how to break that sexual script
16:54with different specialists who will guide you through it
16:56in a better way.
16:57So, it's a space that I think we were owed for a long time.
17:01How can people access those spaces?
17:04They can go to Instagram, which is @beings four underscores.
17:08They'll find it there.
17:09You can also find me as Manuela Escobar Álvarez.
17:11And there in the link you will find all the information
17:13which is quite interesting.
17:15I love it because they can apply everything they know there.
17:17Sure, sure.
17:19I learned from you in this conversation.
17:20And finally, we want to ask you one last question.
17:23from our readers.
17:24Is sex really essential in a relationship?
17:27In a romantic relationship, yes.
17:29Otherwise, you'd have a friend.
17:33It couldn't be clearer.
17:34It would be a different kind of love.
17:35And it doesn't mean that couples can't exist.
17:37that works well for both people.
17:40The problem is when you're in a relationship.
17:42where someone needs to have an active sex life
17:45and the other person did not.
17:46Because there will always be someone
17:47that he will not be happy with that situation.
17:50But if you ask me,
17:51for a relationship to be a relationship,
17:54It has to have intimacy and sexuality
17:55as a pillar definitely.
17:57Ready.
17:58Thank you.
17:58Without sex, there is nothing.
17:59Without sex, there is nothing.
18:00OK.
18:01Thank you, Manuela, for your time
18:02And thanks to the entire viewer audience
18:04who joined us in this conversation.
18:06If you want to know more about this content
18:08Regarding sexuality, don't forget to visit the viewer's page.
Comentarios