00:00There he is. There's the man I'm here to see. Lovely.
00:04Well, welcome, excellent sir. Lovely to meet you.
00:06Well, it's right. It was good of you to come.
00:08Pleasure. Pleasure. Well, you did get me a car. It's the best I could do.
00:11Have you come far?
00:13Well, I don't think it's a Sigma Cosm, but I have also parked in Lewisham.
00:17Yeah. So, which one's worse? You tell me.
00:21It's terrible, isn't it? Exactly.
00:22Well, if you'd like to walk this way, sir.
00:24Yes, I'll do my best. Lovely.
00:26Look at them all with their phones out. Look at the bloody 21st century.
00:30Come on, haven't you got any proper cameras? It's supposed to be a news organisation.
00:34It's just mental. Bloody hell. What's it, mate?
00:37Some people say, I can't see a thing. It's insane.
00:40Unbelievable. Anyway, let's do this. Come on.
00:44That's it. Hello, everyone. Hello, journalists.
00:48Lovely to meet you. Lovely to meet you.
00:50Make your vote count. So long as this is.
00:53Do you think you appeal more to younger voters in earthly terms, younger voters or older voters?
00:59Well, that's a very good question, Sean. I would like to think that my fully costed manifesto
01:06Yes.
01:07Is a broadly appealing and suite of policies across the ages.
01:12So for the young, I propose a voting age of 16.
01:16Yeah.
01:16And for the old, I propose a return of CPACs.
01:20Yes.
01:20I think those two things balance things out rather nicely.
01:23And you want the voting age to come down to 16.
01:26That's correct.
01:27And the upper limit to be 80.
01:30Yes.
01:31Do you think that's fair?
01:32No.
01:35Right.
01:37London Bridge could be renamed Phoebe Waller.
01:39Yes.
01:40Is that going to cost the taxpayer?
01:43Cost?
01:43Zero.
01:44I mean, maybe a little bit of signage.
01:46Yes.
01:46All I would say is this.
01:47Boris Johnson spent 40 million quid on a garden bridge that didn't exist.
01:51All I'm saying is, change the old name.
01:53What could be better?
01:54Fine.
01:55A trillion pounds a week for the NHS.
01:58Yes.
01:58Now that will cost us, won't it?
02:00It will cost a trillion a week, to be fair.
02:02Article 21 of your manifesto.
02:04Yes.
02:05I shall read to you in case you've forgotten.
02:07As if I can't see.
02:08What's making you think that?
02:10That the hand dryer in the gents' toilets at the Crown and Treaty, Oxbridge, to be moved
02:16to a more sensible position.
02:17Yes.
02:18Have you costed that?
02:19I have.
02:20How much is it?
02:21I make that about 200 a pound.
02:24So we need to add that to the one trillion a week.
02:27Right.
02:27Sorry, I should have made that clear.
02:29It's in the grey book.
02:30It's in the grey book, everyone.
02:32It is in there.
02:33Now, Piers Morgan to be zero emissions by 2030.
02:38Yes.
02:39How is that even practical?
02:41Yes, well, this is interesting.
02:43Certain independent bodies have suggested that a 2050 figure is more achievable.
02:48Yes.
02:49But I honestly think that if we really pulled together in a sort of wartime effort, as a
02:56country, we could do it.
02:58If we've got just over ten years to make Piers not on the TV or the radio.
03:04Yeah.
03:04I think it's tough.
03:07I would say it's at the outer realms of what's possible.
03:09But I don't think it's impossible to have him not on the air within ten years.
03:14And I'd like to try and achieve it.
03:16Right.
03:16But by 2050, Piers Morgan might not be around anyway.
03:21Exactly.
03:21Therefore, it is completely achievable by 2050.
03:24I'm just being slightly more ambitious.
03:27Right.
03:28Now, Katie Hopkins to be banished to the Phantom Zone.
03:34Yes.
03:35How are you going to do that?
03:37Do you mean sort of politically or physically?
03:40Both.
03:41Excellent.
03:41First time anyone's really quizzed me on the old Phantom Zone.
03:45Have you seen Superman 2?
03:46No.
03:47Well, there you go.
03:48That's all you need.
03:49But basically, the Phantom Zone is a realm of space where criminals from across the galaxy,
03:56or just people you don't like, you know, baddies, let's call them baddies,
04:00can be safely ensconced and not cause anyone any harm anymore.
04:06Right.
04:07So I would suggest, a bit like Joe Swinson, you know, with the whole revoked Article 50,
04:12if there was a bin-faced majority, then I would take that as a mandate for Ms. Hopkins
04:18to be welcomed warmly into the Phantom Zone.
04:22Welcome then, please.
04:23Your excellency.
04:24Thank you very much.
04:25It's a pleasure.
04:26What a treat.
04:27We're going to spend a Wednesday afternoon.
04:29Election Eve, if you will.
04:31Lovely.
04:32Yeah.
04:32Yeah.
04:34Now, I've got some important questions to ask you.
04:37I'm sure you do.
04:37Some folks have been asking me to ask you.
04:39So, first of all, who do you think your key demographic is in this election?
04:47My key demographic, well, I mean, in the immediate circumstance, I would say the people of Oxbridge
04:54and South Wales, because that's the constituency.
04:57I also do tend to get quite popular amongst the clinically insane.
05:04They like me.
05:05They like me.
05:06And generally, I would say my demographic as such among humans.
05:13Yeah.
05:13Because generally, recyclons are my main constituency on Sigma-9.
05:18But as far as humans go, it's probably just that small minority of people who think both Boris and Jeremy
05:25are a bit shit.
05:29I'm sure there aren't many people in the UK who think that, but those are probably the ones who might
05:34be interested.
05:34I should know a lot more about this�認識
05:35including staggering.
05:35Yes, you know, if you're talking to aanch Painting list and you're probably the ones who might go and put
05:38the sign and repeat.
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