After I Stopped Loving Them

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00:00:00Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada

00:00:30Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada

00:01:00He looked up at me

00:01:01And what do you want?

00:01:03What do I want?

00:01:06I mumbled and clenched my fists

00:01:08My nails dug into my palms

00:01:09But I couldn't feel the pain anymore

00:01:12I want

00:01:13To live again

00:01:14He set the cloth down

00:01:16It won't be cheap

00:01:17Pulled out a sheet of parchment from beneath the counter

00:01:20Slid it across to me

00:01:22To live again

00:01:23You trade something of equal value

00:01:25Do you know what's worth the most about you?

00:01:29No

00:01:30Your ability to love

00:01:32I froze

00:01:34He looked at me with those pale grey eyes

00:01:36Voice slow

00:01:37You see

00:01:38People like you are rare

00:01:40You loved your parents

00:01:41Loved your brother

00:01:42Loved your fiancé

00:01:44You even loved the sister who took everything from you

00:01:46Stepped on

00:01:47Spit on

00:01:48And you kept handing them your heart

00:01:50Over and over

00:01:51You're mocking me!

00:01:54I'm doing business

00:01:55He tapped the parchment with one fingertip

00:01:57Terms

00:01:58You surrender your ability to love

00:02:00I give you one more life

00:02:02Starting the day you turn 12

00:02:04The day they brought your sister home

00:02:05Why that day?

00:02:07For the first time something flickered in his face

00:02:09Almost interest

00:02:10Because that's where your story went wrong

00:02:12I was quiet for a long time

00:02:14Then I looked up

00:02:16Deal

00:02:17I lifted my hand

00:02:19Pressed it to the parchment

00:02:19A gold light bloomed where my fingerprint landed

00:02:22He took the contract back

00:02:23Gave me the smallest nod

00:02:25I snapped

00:02:25May this life

00:02:26Find yourself

00:02:28He snapped his fingers

00:02:30The world began to fall apart

00:02:32Shards of light drifted down like snow

00:02:35White light swallowed everything

00:02:37Anya, what are you spacing out for?

00:02:40Our new sister's almost here

00:02:41Let's go down and meet her

00:02:42Hearing that name again froze me for a second

00:02:45My eyes snapped open

00:02:47I hadn't been called Anya in six, seven years

00:02:49I turned and looked at my twin brother, Cole

00:02:51Next to me

00:02:52Sure enough, he'd reverted to his 12-year-old self

00:02:56A half-grown boy in a perfectly tailored suit

00:02:58Eyes bright with anticipation

00:03:00One of his hands was holding my hand

00:03:02I looked down at his slim, clean fingers

00:03:04In my head I saw the handprint it had left on my face when we were older

00:03:08I frowned, yanked my arm free

00:03:10Cole looked at me, confused

00:03:12Anya, what's wrong?

00:03:14The front door opened

00:03:15My parents' voices floated up

00:03:17Cole! Anya, come down!

00:03:20We've brought your sister home!

00:03:22Cole's eyes lit up

00:03:23He dropped me and ran down the stairs alone

00:03:25I stood at the top and watched the four of them downstairs

00:03:27One big happy family

00:03:30I pressed a hand to my chest

00:03:32Strange

00:03:34My heart was still beating calmly

00:03:35But the knife-edge pain as before

00:03:37It was totally gone

00:03:39Cole and I are twins

00:03:40For the first 12 years of our lives

00:03:42My parents only had the two of us

00:03:43Cole was older by two hours

00:03:45He and our parents spoiled me into a real deal little princess

00:03:49Someone joked to my father once

00:03:51With a temper like your daughter's

00:03:53Thank God she's engaged to Felix already

00:03:55Or no one would dare marry her

00:03:57My father's face went black

00:03:58My daughter wasn't born to be married off

00:04:01She can stay home for life

00:04:03I can afford her

00:04:05My mother and Cole didn't say a word

00:04:06They just kept showering me with more nice things

00:04:09A $3 million bracelet was an ordinary birthday gift back then

00:04:12But it was also the last birthday gift I would ever get

00:04:15The year I turned 12

00:04:17An old friend of my father's died of illness

00:04:19On his deathbed he asked my father to take in his only daughter

00:04:22Olivia

00:04:24And after her coming

00:04:25My family's love, trust, attention

00:04:27All of it drifted away from me a little at a time

00:04:29But I still treated her like my own sister

00:04:32Before my 18th birthday

00:04:33I loved her until the moment

00:04:35I saw her kissing my fiancé Felix in the garden

00:04:41I snapped

00:04:42Why are you doing this to me?

00:04:45Do you even see what you're like right now?

00:04:47You're a lunaturk

00:04:49Cole's eyes were full of revulsion

00:04:51My parents said nothing

00:04:52They watched like everyone else

00:04:54The pain in my chest had me shaking head to toe

00:04:56I went at Olivia with a knife

00:04:58But Cole kicked me into a thicket of thorns

00:05:00Every single person there crowded around Olivia

00:05:02Trying to calm her down

00:05:03Begging her not to cry

00:05:05Nobody cared that what I'd had in my hand

00:05:07Was just a plastic knife from the cake

00:05:09My parents had me committed

00:05:10Said I was mentally ill

00:05:12Cole's kick did real damage

00:05:14I was coughing up blood day and night

00:05:16I begged the doctor over and over to call my parents

00:05:19Not a single call got answered

00:05:20Then after another round of electroshock

00:05:23I stopped breathing

00:05:24That was when I saw it

00:05:25The soul shock

00:05:27The one in the rumors

00:05:28I traded everything I had to love with for one more chance

00:05:31This time no one gets to hurt me

00:05:33Aina!

00:05:34Sweetheart!

00:05:34Come on!

00:05:35You've been waiting for a little sister, haven't you?

00:05:37My mother holding Olivia's hand

00:05:39Smiling, waving me down

00:05:40Olivia tipped up her clean little face

00:05:42And called me sister

00:05:43I didn't react

00:05:44I turned and walked back into my room

00:05:47Left the four of them looking at each other in the living room

00:05:49My father confused

00:05:51What's gotten into her now?

00:05:52Who upset her?

00:05:54My mother's voice went thin

00:05:56Maybe she just needs a minute to get used to having a younger sister

00:06:00It's fine

00:06:01I'll go talk to her in a bit

00:06:02Olivia's voice cracked

00:06:04Mom, Dad

00:06:05Does my sister not like me?

00:06:07Maybe I should leave

00:06:11Before my parents could say anything

00:06:12Cole jumped in

00:06:13Anya's just a little hot-tentured

00:06:15Don't be sad

00:06:16I'll go tell her off in a minute

00:06:18Cole's so grown up

00:06:20You take good care of your sister, okay?

00:06:22Their laughter floated up through the floor

00:06:24I stood up and started going through my things

00:06:26Too much time had passed

00:06:28I couldn't remember everything 12-year-old me owned

00:06:30A closer look

00:06:31I was almost embarrassingly rich

00:06:32No wonder Olivia loved taking my things

00:06:35I scooped the jewelry off the vanity

00:06:37And dumped it into my backpack

00:06:38I picked up the bracelet

00:06:40And remembered the time she'd smashed it

00:06:41That was the first time I'd slapped Olivia

00:06:44She'd hidden behind the door with her eyes red

00:06:46Voice tiny

00:06:46Like I was the one who'd broken her favorite thing

00:06:49Sister

00:06:49I'm sorry

00:06:51I really didn't mean to

00:06:53I just wanted to look at it

00:06:55It slipped

00:06:56Then she'd burst into tears

00:06:57My parents came running

00:06:58Nicole came running

00:07:00She had wrapped herself around my mother's leg

00:07:02Sobbing like she was going to pass out

00:07:04But the moment no one was watching

00:07:06She looked up at me and smirked

00:07:07I pointed at her

00:07:08Trying to tell them truth

00:07:09Anna

00:07:10How can you be cruel to her?

00:07:12It's just a bracelet

00:07:13You couldn't have let her have it?

00:07:15Just a bracelet?

00:07:17That bracelet was the gift Cole had bought me

00:07:19With the prize money from his first IT competition

00:07:21And he'd forgotten

00:07:24By the time I'd packed up everything

00:07:26There was a soft knock on my door

00:07:27My mother, voice soft, almost too patient

00:07:30Anya?

00:07:31Sweetheart?

00:07:32Come out, dinner's ready

00:07:33I didn't answer

00:07:34I just opened the door

00:07:35And let her walk me down to the dining room

00:07:38My usual seat had Olivia in it

00:07:39My father and Cole were both putting food on her plates

00:07:42I turned to my mother

00:07:43Should I eat on the floor?

00:07:45Every head snapped up

00:07:47My mother's grip on my hand tightened

00:07:50Of course not

00:07:50My fault

00:07:51I forgot to have them bring you a chair

00:07:53Anna, please get Anya a chair

00:07:54Olivia stood up

00:07:55Her wide, innocent eyes filling instantly

00:07:57Sister, I'm sorry

00:07:58I didn't know this was your seat

00:08:00Here, take it

00:08:01Cole jumped up

00:08:02And pushed her back into the chair

00:08:04Shooting me a hard look

00:08:05Anna

00:08:05It doesn't matter where you sit

00:08:07Olivia just got here

00:08:09Don't scare her

00:08:10My parents said nothing

00:08:11They were watching me

00:08:12So this was tacit approval

00:08:14I took the chair from the housekeeper

00:08:16And dragged it to the far end of the table

00:08:17Away from all of them

00:08:19Cole's hands stalled mid-air over Olivia's plate

00:08:22And he opened his mouth a few times

00:08:23Closed it

00:08:24We finished dinner in that strange, frozen quiet

00:08:27As I stood up to head back upstairs

00:08:29My father called after me

00:08:30He cleared his throat

00:08:31Tried to smile

00:08:32Anya

00:08:33Olivia just lost her parents

00:08:36We're her family now

00:08:37We should take care of her

00:08:38My mother chimed in

00:08:39Yeah, mom knows

00:08:41You probably aren't used to having a sister yet

00:08:44But look at her

00:08:45She's so sweet

00:08:46Try to spend time with her

00:08:48You'll grow close

00:08:49My voice came out flat

00:08:51And?

00:08:52My mother froze

00:08:53Maybe I'd never spoken to her in that tone before

00:08:55My father took a sip of his coffee

00:08:57And forced a smile

00:08:59Anya, sweetheart

00:09:00Olivia just transferred to her new school

00:09:02She's not doing well

00:09:03So how about

00:09:03How about you and Cole both drop back a grade

00:09:06So you can be in the same class as your sister

00:09:08To sell it, he added quickly

00:09:10Cole already said yes

00:09:11We're just waiting on you

00:09:13I looked at Cole

00:09:14He was staring at the floor

00:09:16Couldn't meet my eyes

00:09:17Here we go

00:09:18Last time around, it was the same

00:09:21They made me and Cole

00:09:22Who were already in 7th grade

00:09:24Drop back to 6th with Olivia

00:09:26A year later, my childhood sweetheart Felix

00:09:28By then thick as thieves with Olivia

00:09:30Transferred into our class on the excuse that he wanted to look after me

00:09:33After that, the three of them put on their little theater every day

00:09:37Made up stories about how I was bullying Olivia

00:09:39Got the whole class to freeze me out

00:09:41Brilliant

00:09:42But I wasn't going to play with elementary schoolers this time

00:09:44Waste of a life

00:09:46I tilted my head

00:09:47She needs two servants just to get through school?

00:09:51My father slammed his fork down

00:09:53Anya, what did you just say?

00:09:55I said, since Cole's already volunteered to be her servant

00:09:58You don't need to drag me into it

00:10:00My mother grabbed her arm, eyes wide

00:10:02Aya, what are you saying?

00:10:04What servant?

00:10:05Your dad just wants you all to spend time together

00:10:08Get close

00:10:09I have no obligation to get close to her

00:10:12Whoever wants to wait on her

00:10:13Can wait on her

00:10:14I stared at Cole

00:10:15He'd been frozen like a deer in headlights this whole time

00:10:18It's settled

00:10:19The two of you go to elementary school

00:10:21I'll stay in 7th grade

00:10:23We leave each other alone

00:10:24I turned and went upstairs

00:10:26Left the four of them downstairs, consoling Olivia

00:10:28Who couldn't stop crying

00:10:29Around 9 that night, Cole knocked on my door

00:10:33Anya, are you asleep?

00:10:35What?

00:10:36Could you open the door?

00:10:38No

00:10:38The hall went quiet

00:10:40Just as I thought he'd left, his voice came through again

00:10:42Anya, you're upset, aren't you?

00:10:45No

00:10:45You are, Anya

00:10:47Is it because I only paid attention to our new sister today and ignored you?

00:10:51I exhaled

00:10:51Really? No

00:10:52Cole, you can get close to whoever you want

00:10:55I don't care

00:10:56The hall went quiet again

00:10:57After a long pause, his voice came back

00:10:59There was something tired in it

00:11:00Anya

00:11:01Olivia, she's really pitiful

00:11:02She's got such a soft heart

00:11:04I'm scared she'll get pushed around

00:11:05Anya

00:11:05Let me stay with her for a year

00:11:07Once she settles in, I'll transfer back to your school, okay?

00:11:10Right, right, right

00:11:11The school is funded by your family

00:11:13You can do whatever you want

00:11:15Slid my noise-canceling earplugs in

00:11:18Got into bed

00:11:18The next morning

00:11:19I walked into the living room with my suitcase and my backpack

00:11:22Everyone froze

00:11:26I looked up and saw Felix sitting next to Olivia

00:11:28My future fiancé

00:11:30The man who would one day betray me for Olivia

00:11:32At 12, he was already a head taller than Cole

00:11:34The moment he saw me, he jumped up

00:11:36His soft, hazel eyes crinkling

00:11:38Voice all bright

00:11:39Anya, I'm here to walk you to school

00:11:41I looked down, saw Olivia's hand still wrapped around his arm

00:11:45You don't need to walk me anywhere

00:11:47Ever

00:11:48If you want to walk someone else, go ahead

00:11:49Why?

00:11:50I gestured at the suitcase behind me

00:11:52Felix wasn't the only one looking lost

00:11:54So were my parents

00:11:55So was Cole

00:11:56Anna?

00:11:57What's that?

00:11:58Cole's eyes were red-rimmed

00:11:59Clothes

00:12:00And some things I need

00:12:02And my jewelry

00:12:03I won't give them up this time

00:12:04Forgot to mention

00:12:06Starting today, I'm leaving here

00:12:08What?

00:12:09What?

00:12:10What?

00:12:10All of them at once

00:12:13My father came over, cold-faced

00:12:15And crouched down to look at me

00:12:16Anya, why?

00:12:18Is home not good enough?

00:12:20Where do you even want to go?

00:12:22Boarding school

00:12:22I set it flat

00:12:23His hands on my hair was shaking a little

00:12:25And he glanced back at Olivia, hesitant

00:12:27Is it because...

00:12:28Because of Olivia?

00:12:29Before I could react

00:12:30Olivia bit her lip

00:12:31And let out a soft, choked sob

00:12:32What are you saying?

00:12:33Of course not

00:12:35Anya, you tell us yourself

00:12:36Why are you boarding at school?

00:12:37It can't be because of your sister

00:12:39You love her, don't you?

00:12:40Every face in the room was waiting

00:12:42Hopeful

00:12:42They wanted me to say yes

00:12:43I love her

00:12:44I want to board because I'm being a brat

00:12:46But I make it my job to disappoint people

00:12:48No

00:12:48I don't love her

00:12:50I hate her

00:12:50And it's not just her

00:12:52I hate every single one of you

00:12:54Their faces went bone white

00:12:55Only Felix didn't really react

00:12:56He looked like he thought I was throwing a jealous fit

00:12:58His face was full of patience and rye indulgence

00:13:00When I dragged my suitcase past him

00:13:02He even reached out to help me carry it

00:13:04I dodged

00:13:04He didn't get angry

00:13:05Just kept trailing me

00:13:06My parents tried to come after me

00:13:08But Olivia's sobbing cut them off

00:13:11Mom

00:13:12Dad

00:13:13Send me to an orphan

00:13:14I don't deserve to be here

00:13:16Of course, more cooing

00:13:18More comfort

00:13:18The only odd thing was that Cole

00:13:20For the first time

00:13:21Didn't say a word

00:13:22Felix was still on my heels

00:13:23And climbed straight into my car

00:13:24Get in your own car

00:13:26No, I'm not going

00:13:27I'm coming with you

00:13:28My fingertips twitched

00:13:30Last life around

00:13:30The same

00:13:31When everyone else turned on me

00:13:32The only one who didn't take Olivia's side

00:13:34Was Felix

00:13:35He'd stand behind me

00:13:36When she set me up

00:13:37He'd snap back at Cole

00:13:38When Cole yelled at me

00:13:39When my parents got more and more

00:13:40Disappointed in me

00:13:41He'd hold me and say softly

00:13:42Anya, don't be scared

00:13:44You've got me

00:13:46I'll always just love you

00:13:47I'd clung to him like a drowning person

00:13:49Clings to a piece of wood

00:13:50Until our 14th birthday

00:13:52Olivia collapsed out of nowhere

00:13:53Felix, faster than anyone

00:13:55Shoved me out of the way

00:13:56And caught her

00:13:56A fake medium he'd personally brought

00:13:58Immediately took the chance

00:13:59And announced my name was bad luck

00:14:00And it was crushing Olivia's fortune

00:14:02What a flimsy excuse

00:14:03I still remember the shock and embarrassment

00:14:05On every guest's face that night

00:14:07Every adult in the room

00:14:08Could see it for what it was

00:14:09A staged public humiliation

00:14:11But my parents took me

00:14:12To get my name legally changed

00:14:14Without a single argument

00:14:14From that day forward

00:14:15The name I'd had for 14 years

00:14:17Anya became a banned word in our house

00:14:19Since they called me Mia

00:14:20Mia

00:14:20A name picked to protect Olivia

00:14:22I hated it

00:14:23I hated it until the day I died

00:14:26I didn't answer Felix

00:14:27If he'd be transferring to Olivia's class

00:14:29In a few weeks anyway

00:14:29I took my paperwork

00:14:30And my boarding fee

00:14:31Straight to the dorm supervisor

00:14:33When Felix saw me actually hand the money over

00:14:35The casual look fell off his face

00:14:37He finally got it

00:14:38I wasn't joking around

00:14:39Anya?

00:14:40Confusion was thick in his eyes

00:14:42Why do you hate me too?

00:14:43What did I do wrong?

00:14:44His fingers caught at my sleeve carefully

00:14:46And I slapped his hand off hard

00:14:48Disgust all over my face

00:14:49Wiped at my sleeve with a tissue

00:14:50His voice caught in his throat

00:14:52Anya

00:14:52I walked off down the hallway

00:14:53To the head's office

00:14:54Before first period started

00:14:56I requested a transfer to a new class

00:14:58When I came around the corner

00:14:59With an armful of books

00:15:00I saw Felix again

00:15:01Eyes red

00:15:03He looked at the books

00:15:04And my arms and his face crumpled

00:15:06Anya

00:15:07Don't transfer

00:15:08Please

00:15:09In that exact moment

00:15:10A basketball came flying out of room 7B

00:15:12And clocked him square in the head

00:15:14I dodged with the books

00:15:15And slipped into the classroom

00:15:16Felix went down the hallway

00:15:17Caused a stir

00:15:18A boy in the classroom

00:15:20Was still in his shooting follow through

00:15:21His uniform hung loose on him

00:15:23His mouth was stretched

00:15:24Into an exaggerated

00:15:24Whoa

00:15:25Sorry

00:15:26Didn't mean to hit anyone

00:15:27You good man?

00:15:27I glanced at him

00:15:28Walked past with my books

00:15:30I might have been imagining it

00:15:31But his arm went stiff for a second

00:15:32Then he leaned on a desk with one hand

00:15:34And pointed casually at the seat next to him

00:15:36Voice all swagger

00:15:37Past that

00:15:38Is the trash can

00:15:40Maybe sit next to me

00:15:43I looked at him

00:15:44He looked away fast

00:15:46Uh

00:15:47The teacher said a new student was coming

00:15:49Told the class principal

00:15:51Me

00:15:51To look out for her

00:15:52He rubbed his face

00:15:53Rubbed it so hard

00:15:54His ears went red

00:15:55Class president of 7B

00:15:57Jace

00:15:57The certified troublemaker

00:15:58The kids around me

00:15:59Were either laughing at Felix

00:16:00On the floor

00:16:01Or sneaking looks at us

00:16:02I sighed

00:16:037B's bad reputation was earned

00:16:05I pressed my lips together

00:16:08Thanks

00:16:08I prefer to sit alone

00:16:10I put my books down at the desk

00:16:11At the very back

00:16:12Against the wall

00:16:13Jace looked annoyed at himself

00:16:15His voice got urgent

00:16:16Hey you

00:16:17Don't sit there

00:16:17Trade with me

00:16:18I'm taller

00:16:19I'll block your view of the board

00:16:20Before I could say no

00:16:21Felix burst in

00:16:22Face streaked with dust

00:16:23Slammed his hands on my books

00:16:24Anya

00:16:26Come back with me

00:16:29Let go

00:16:30No

00:16:32Bro

00:16:32Are you done with the drama

00:16:34Jace looked at him

00:16:35Like he was something stuck to his shoe

00:16:36She wants to be in our class

00:16:38Who asked you

00:16:39Someone from the doorway

00:16:40Tossed Jace another ball

00:16:41He balanced it on one finger

00:16:42Spinning

00:16:43And gave Felix a look

00:16:44That was pure dare

00:16:45Felix ground his teeth

00:16:46Looked down at me

00:16:47I was already organizing my desk

00:16:48Get out

00:16:49The bell rang

00:16:50Felix's hand clenched

00:16:52Anya

00:16:53I didn't answer

00:16:54He gave up

00:16:54Shot Jace a venomous look

00:16:56Walked out

00:16:56I exhaled

00:17:01Thanks

00:17:01Wait

00:17:02You talking to me?

00:17:04I nodded

00:17:04He suddenly stood up straight

00:17:05As a board

00:17:06And chucked the basketball

00:17:07At the trash can behind me

00:17:08I stared

00:17:09Didn't know what just happened

00:17:10His face went redder

00:17:11Reflex

00:17:12Don't mention it

00:17:13I caught myself smiling

00:17:14He went even stiffer

00:17:17Jace ended up trading seats

00:17:18With me anyway

00:17:19I told him over and over

00:17:20It was winter

00:17:21The trash got emptied off in

00:17:22There was no smell

00:17:23But he was firm

00:17:24He moved me up to the front

00:17:25You're obviously a neat freak

00:17:26And a good student

00:17:28No way I'm letting you sit back there

00:17:29Like he decided to be the world's most committed class president

00:17:32He handled every detail of my class transfer

00:17:34So when the teacher pulled us aside

00:17:36And asked if I could help bring his grades up

00:17:38I hesitated

00:17:38Then nodded

00:17:39School life was dry but full

00:17:41To stay away from home

00:17:42I signed up for every tutoring program I could find on weekends

00:17:45Summer and winter breaks

00:17:46I packed myself off to camps abroad

00:17:48School work aside

00:17:49I was starting to look outward

00:17:50See the world

00:17:51At first my parents came to school every few days

00:17:53Then since I always looked at them blankly

00:17:55They stopped coming

00:17:55Every so often there was a phone call

00:17:57They'd sigh into the phone

00:17:59Anya

00:18:00We just want you girls to get along

00:18:03Olivia really misses you

00:18:04You're not coming home this weekend?

00:18:06No

00:18:07I didn't say much

00:18:08Conversations got awkward fat

00:18:10I'd just hang up

00:18:10They said I'm weird and unlikable now

00:18:12They were right

00:18:13I didn't have the ability to be adorable

00:18:15But my brother Cole came every day

00:18:17Without fail

00:18:17He carried meals from home

00:18:19Running between the elementary school and the middle school

00:18:21Sometimes Olivia trailed after him out of breath

00:18:23She looked at me like I was the villain

00:18:25Sister

00:18:25Our brother is killing himself doing this

00:18:28Just be nice and come to our class

00:18:30I took the meal box from Cole and sat down to eat

00:18:32Olivia bit her lip

00:18:33Eyes wet

00:18:34Looked at Cole

00:18:34He wiped sweat off his forehead

00:18:36And gave her a generous big brother smile

00:18:38It's nothing

00:18:38Anya

00:18:39The school food's terrible

00:18:41I'll bring you home cooking every day

00:18:42I ignored him

00:18:43He didn't get angry

00:18:44When I finished eating

00:18:45He'd take the empty container

00:18:46And run back to elementary school

00:18:47Felix came less and less

00:18:49He stopped pushing me to engage with him

00:18:51He just spent every break standing by the window

00:18:53Glancing over at me like he wasn't

00:18:54I pretended I couldn't see

00:18:57The days went by

00:18:58The day before my 14th birthday

00:19:00My parents showed up at the school

00:19:01Unusually Cole was with them

00:19:03When they saw me

00:19:04Both of them did a little double take

00:19:05My mother's hands shook a bit

00:19:07As she grabbed my arm

00:19:08You've gotten taller again

00:19:10Sweetheart

00:19:10It's been so long since you came home

00:19:12Her eyes went pink

00:19:13And set off my father's too

00:19:14There was a catch in his voice

00:19:16Yeah Anya

00:19:18Your birthday is tomorrow

00:19:19We've got everything set up

00:19:20Come home okay

00:19:21Like he was scared I'd refuse

00:19:22Cole added quickly

00:19:23You can invite your friends

00:19:24Classmates

00:19:25You didn't come home last year

00:19:27We waited up the whole night

00:19:29Right

00:19:29On my birthday last year

00:19:31Jace had found out somehow

00:19:32He dragged the whole goofy crew from class

00:19:34And announced we were going horseback riding

00:19:36Anya

00:19:37Can you like

00:19:38Open up a little

00:19:40I looked at him

00:19:41Lost

00:19:42He pulled at the corners of his own mouth

00:19:43With two fingers

00:19:44It's your birthday

00:19:45Quit being all uptight

00:19:47Smile

00:19:47He was sitting up on a tall chestnut horse

00:19:50Happy birthday

00:19:51Son behind him

00:19:51Head tilted to look at me

00:19:53Thanks

00:19:56I sat up on the horse

00:19:58Wind in my ears

00:19:59Felt something inside me

00:20:00That had been locked tight

00:20:01Easy

00:20:02It wasn't until the next day

00:20:03That I saw all the missed calls

00:20:04From my family

00:20:05And

00:20:07The pile of birthday gifts

00:20:09Cole had brought to the front of my classroom

00:20:11I was surprised

00:20:12Last time my 12th birthday

00:20:13Was the last time I got a gift

00:20:16Anya

00:20:16Come home tomorrow

00:20:17Cole kept going

00:20:18But when I turned

00:20:19I saw Olivia holding onto Felix's arm

00:20:21That memorable naming ceremony night

00:20:23The nausea was still in me

00:20:25I frowned without meaning to

00:20:26Felix yanked his arm out of her hand fast

00:20:29I've been looking for you

00:20:30Olivia said you were here

00:20:31She brought me

00:20:33I just

00:20:33You don't have to explain

00:20:34I cut him off

00:20:35I'm busy tomorrow

00:20:36I'm not coming home

00:20:39Anya

00:20:39I turned and went back into the classroom

00:20:42Behind me my mother

00:20:43Have started crying

00:20:44As I turned the corner

00:20:45I heard a heavy sigh

00:20:47Honey

00:20:48Did we

00:20:49We do this wrong

00:20:53But I don't care about them anymore

00:20:54Right now I had a butter knife in my hand

00:20:56And I was carefully cutting into a cake

00:20:57That said happy birthday

00:20:58Anya

00:20:59The class turned off the lights

00:21:00And the warm wash of candlelight

00:21:02Everyone sang

00:21:03Anya make a wish

00:21:05I closed my eyes for a second

00:21:07Wished

00:21:07With my whole soul

00:21:09Please whoever's listening

00:21:10Keep me far away from those people

00:21:11This lifetime

00:21:12When I opened my eyes

00:21:13Jace was standing in front of me

00:21:14With a small wrapped box

00:21:16Anya happy birthday

00:21:17Open it

00:21:17I smiled and opened it

00:21:20Froze

00:21:20A hair clip studded with crystals

00:21:22What you don't like it

00:21:22Should have asked you first

00:21:23He scratched at his head

00:21:24Frustrated

00:21:25The other day I saw you staring at a hair clip

00:21:27On the sidewalk

00:21:27That one was cheap

00:21:28So I found a better one

00:21:29I love it

00:21:30Thank you

00:21:32He froze

00:21:32I picked up the clip

00:21:34And put it in my hair

00:21:36Thank you

00:21:37His eyes had that

00:21:38Soft littering thing happening

00:21:39No problem

00:21:40As long as you like it

00:21:41It's really pretty

00:21:42It was

00:21:43Very pretty

00:21:43A piece by the international designer

00:21:45Victor

00:21:46From his starlight collection

00:21:47When I was 17

00:21:48I'd seen it at an auction

00:21:49And fallen in love with it

00:21:50I thought my mother

00:21:51Would love it too

00:21:52I'd brought five years

00:21:53Of saved up money

00:21:54Started bidding

00:21:55But that day

00:21:56No matter what I bid

00:21:57Olivia bid a dollar higher

00:21:59In the end

00:22:00My mother stepped in

00:22:01And bought the piece

00:22:01For $30 million

00:22:04Absurd price

00:22:05And she put it in Olivia's hair

00:22:06They said

00:22:07You have everything

00:22:08Why fight a little girl over this

00:22:10Olivia wore it in front of me

00:22:12Every single day

00:22:12Showing off

00:22:13Mia

00:22:13It's the gift from mom

00:22:15But I can give it to you

00:22:16If you beg me

00:22:17That hair clip

00:22:18Became one of my obsessions

00:22:19And here it was

00:22:20In my palm

00:22:21Three years earlier

00:22:22Than it should have been

00:22:23My eyes filled

00:22:24Before I knew it

00:22:25Thank you

00:22:26All of you

00:22:27Really

00:22:27It was strange

00:22:29The heart I'd thought was dead

00:22:30Started slowly

00:22:31To beat again

00:22:34After that day

00:22:35My family started

00:22:36Bothering me less

00:22:38Even Cole and Felix

00:22:39The daily fixtures

00:22:40Disappeared for a long stretch

00:22:41It took the class gossip queen

00:22:43To fill me in

00:22:45Olivia got crazy

00:22:46She couldn't bear my parents

00:22:47Or Cole

00:22:48Leaving her side for a second

00:22:50I heard your mom mention

00:22:51Sending her to a school abroad

00:22:52And she snapped

00:22:53Like totally

00:22:54Word is

00:22:55She's even tried to hurt herself

00:22:56She wanted to recover at home

00:22:57But she won't let Cole

00:22:58Come to school either

00:22:59Whole family has to camp

00:23:00At home with her

00:23:00Felix too

00:23:01She won't let go of him

00:23:02His family's having a huge fight

00:23:03With yours about it

00:23:04I gripped my pen tighter

00:23:05This was exactly what I'd done

00:23:06In my last life

00:23:07The more they ignored you

00:23:08The harder you reached for attention

00:23:10Tantrums

00:23:11Screaming

00:23:11All of it

00:23:12Like a lunatic

00:23:12Except

00:23:13She was luckier than I'd been

00:23:14Her family was patient with her

00:23:16I was relieved

00:23:17Not that any of it was my problem

00:23:18With no one bothering me

00:23:20I dragged the whole class

00:23:21Into intense study mode

00:23:22If someone slacked

00:23:23Jace intimidated them

00:23:25Six months later

00:23:26We all got into the best high school

00:23:27In the city

00:23:27I didn't go home once

00:23:29That summer

00:23:29I went up Mount Kazbek

00:23:31With Jace's family

00:23:31Turns out his parents

00:23:32Were professional climbers

00:23:33They'd originally planned

00:23:35To summit Mont Blanc

00:23:36But you had to be 16

00:23:37To climb Mont Blanc

00:23:38Jace and I were both too young

00:23:39Anya

00:23:40Hot tea

00:23:42Jace's mother had a soft spot

00:23:43For me from day one

00:23:44The gorgeous woman

00:23:45With sharp eyes

00:23:46Would pull me into a hug

00:23:47And refuse to let go

00:23:48Anya you're so cute

00:23:49So pretty

00:23:50I'm in love

00:23:51Be my daughter

00:23:52Did it finally

00:23:52Honestly

00:23:53Why is my kid a son?

00:23:54Doesn't make sense

00:23:55Mom please

00:23:55Be reasonable

00:23:56Why is your kid a son?

00:23:57Because you don't have a daughter

00:23:59His father's laugh

00:24:00Thundered

00:24:00The whole summit

00:24:01Echoed with it

00:24:02I caught my breath

00:24:31And looked out

00:24:33And skipped a grade

00:24:34So he could be a high school

00:24:34Freshman with me

00:24:37Felix fought his own family

00:24:39His mother locked him

00:24:40In his room

00:24:40And that ridiculous engagement

00:24:41I'd already brushed off

00:24:42As a joke

00:24:43Before summer break

00:24:45Mrs. Adler

00:24:45Please

00:24:46Keep an eye on your son

00:24:47Don't let him keep chasing me

00:24:49I told his mother

00:24:50Without mercy

00:24:50I told the school in advance

00:24:52To turn away outside visitors

00:24:53So in three years

00:24:55I saw them maybe

00:24:55Four or five times total

00:24:57The day after the SAT

00:24:59My parents

00:24:59Who I hadn't seen in forever

00:25:01Ambushed me at the school gate

00:25:02I didn't get out fast enough

00:25:04I don't know how

00:25:05But the two of them

00:25:05Looked like they'd aged ten years

00:25:07My mother walked toward me

00:25:09With this pleading smile

00:25:10I stepped back without thinking

00:25:12She froze

00:25:13Then covered her mouth

00:25:14And crumpled into my father's chest

00:25:15Sobbing

00:25:16He started crying too

00:25:18Anya

00:25:19Mom missed you so much

00:25:21Let me hug you

00:25:22Please

00:25:23I frowned without meaning to

00:25:24Who do you miss?

00:25:26Who do you want to hug?

00:25:27Me?

00:25:27You already have a son and a daughter

00:25:29Smart son who adores his sister

00:25:31Sweet, well-behaved daughter

00:25:32Who respects her parents

00:25:34Why would you miss me?

00:25:35My mother's sobs stopped cold

00:25:37She looked up at me

00:25:38Panic on her face

00:25:39She started shaking

00:25:43No

00:25:43That's not

00:25:44That's not real

00:25:44That was a dream

00:25:45That wasn't real

00:25:45She kept shaking her head

00:25:47Mumbling to herself

00:25:48My father grabbed her

00:25:49Alarmed

00:25:52Anya

00:25:53What did you do to your mother?

00:25:55I'm a full meter away from her

00:25:56I haven't laid a finger on her

00:25:57Mr. Linster

00:25:58What did you just call me?

00:25:59Mr. Linster?

00:26:01Anya

00:26:01Are you losing your mind?

00:26:02Your mother and I came all the way here for you

00:26:04And this is how you

00:26:05I thought my attitude was fine

00:26:06Way better than how they'd treated me

00:26:08In my last life

00:26:09I shrugged

00:26:10Stepped back

00:26:10See you

00:26:12Stop right there

00:26:13He reached for my arm

00:26:15I dodged

00:26:17What?

00:26:18You want to hit me, Mr. Linchweski?

00:26:19I think we've spoiled you rotten

00:26:21You need a lesson

00:26:23His hand came up

00:26:24My mother let out a scream

00:26:26That tore out of her chest

00:26:27No

00:26:28Don't hit her

00:26:29She grabbed his arm

00:26:31Sobbing so hard

00:26:31Her legs gave out

00:26:32And ended up on the ground

00:26:34That's why she hates me so much

00:26:35She covered her face with her hands

00:26:38And laughed and cried into the pavement

00:26:39I turned to leave

00:26:40And behind me

00:26:41Jace's mother yelled joyfully

00:26:42Sweetheart, over here

00:26:44She and Jace's father

00:26:45Were each holding a bouquet

00:26:47Waving at me hard

00:26:48Jace also stood beside them

00:26:50I went up on my toes

00:26:51And yelled back

00:26:52Auntie

00:26:52I ran to her

00:26:54She tossed her flowers at Jace

00:26:56And grabbed me

00:26:56And spun me in a full circle

00:26:58Feels better now that it's over, right?

00:27:00Take a few days

00:27:01Then we mont blanc

00:27:01Here we come

00:27:02Um, yes

00:27:03Jace took my bag

00:27:04His dad pressed an ice cream

00:27:06Into my hand

00:27:06The four of us walked off together

00:27:08Laughing

00:27:08And behind us

00:27:09Two figures stood frozen

00:27:10Getting smaller and smaller

00:27:11In the distance

00:27:14The day we flew to France

00:27:15Jace's dad was driving

00:27:17His mom was in the passenger seat

00:27:18Humming

00:27:19And both of them lit up

00:27:20Jace and I

00:27:21On the other hand

00:27:22Hit the back seats

00:27:23And were out cold

00:27:25I figured we'd sleep

00:27:26All the way to the airport

00:27:26And then his dad

00:27:27Slammed on the brakes

00:27:28And our heads cracked

00:27:29Into the seat back

00:27:30When I opened my eyes

00:27:32A dark figure had launched

00:27:33In front of the car

00:27:34If his dad's brakes

00:27:35Hadn't been fast

00:27:36The guy would've gone flying

00:27:39Insurance scam?

00:27:40We piled out

00:27:41But the man on his knees

00:27:42In front of the car

00:27:43Was Cole

00:27:43I hadn't seen him in a year

00:27:45The sight of him was a shock

00:27:46He was so thin

00:27:47Painfully thin

00:27:49Middle of summer

00:27:50And he was bundled

00:27:51Head to toe

00:27:51In heavy clothing

00:27:52And his exposed face

00:27:53Was covered in marks

00:27:54Like claw marks

00:27:55Fingernails

00:27:56Old ones

00:27:57Layered with new

00:27:58A handsome face

00:27:59Basically ruined

00:28:01I jumped

00:28:01Jace and his dad

00:28:02Immediately stepped

00:28:03In front of me

00:28:04And his mom

00:28:04You sick man

00:28:05You wanna play in traffic

00:28:07Jace went full volume

00:28:08And I gave him

00:28:08A quiet thumbs up

00:28:09He winked

00:28:10Cole snapped

00:28:11Like a stray dog

00:28:12Gone feral

00:28:12He slammed past Jace

00:28:14And threw himself at me

00:28:15And his whole body

00:28:15Was shaking

00:28:16His red raw eyes

00:28:17Pouring tears

00:28:18Please forgive us

00:28:18Come home and see mom

00:28:19She's dying

00:28:20I'm begging you

00:28:21He was strong

00:28:21Out of his mind

00:28:22Both Jace's parents

00:28:24Together couldn't

00:28:24Pull him off me

00:28:26Jace lost it

00:28:27He grabbed a tire iron

00:28:28Out of the trunk

00:28:29And went to swing it

00:28:30At Cole's head

00:28:30Jake don't

00:28:32I yanked Cole down

00:28:33With me toward the curb

00:28:34Jace drop it

00:28:35Honey

00:28:36His mother and I

00:28:37Shouted at the same time

00:28:38And it finally pulled him back

00:28:39The tire iron fell

00:28:41Cracked the pavement

00:28:42Was he insane

00:28:43You go to prison

00:28:45For killing someone

00:28:46I looked at Jace

00:28:47Heart still hammering

00:28:48He was more shaken

00:28:49Than I was

00:28:50Jaw locked

00:28:51Veins standing out

00:28:52In his neck

00:28:52Something flickered

00:28:53I felt like I'd seen

00:28:55This exact moment before

00:28:56And I shook my head

00:28:57Sweat ran down

00:28:58Off my hairline

00:28:59And I gave in

00:28:59And looked at Cole

00:29:03I'll go with you

00:29:04Let go

00:29:04You're hurting me

00:29:05Jace and his parents

00:29:06Worried about me

00:29:07So they drove me

00:29:08And Cole home

00:29:09Cole was not okay

00:29:10He huddled

00:29:11Against the car window

00:29:12Shaking

00:29:13Mumbling garbled stuff

00:29:14He turned to Jace

00:29:17I've seen you before

00:29:19It was you

00:29:20It was you

00:29:21I looked at Jace

00:29:22His face was cold

00:29:23Blank

00:29:23He also didn't look like himself

00:29:25My heart skipped

00:29:27I grabbed his arm

00:29:28Jace?

00:29:29A grin appeared on his mouth

00:29:30Your humble servant

00:29:31At your command my lady

00:29:33Okay

00:29:33Not body snatched

00:29:35That weird

00:29:36Definitely him

00:29:37But Cole was looking at us

00:29:38With more horror now

00:29:39He shrank further

00:29:40Into the window

00:29:41Already thin

00:29:42Next to Jace's broader build

00:29:43He looked like a ghost

00:29:44I felt uneasy

00:29:45So I took Jace's hand

00:29:46And before I could say anything

00:29:47His face flushed

00:29:48All the way to his ears

00:29:50Idiot

00:29:52Back at the Lindquist house

00:29:53I didn't know where to look first

00:29:55The front door

00:29:56Painted over with vicious letters

00:29:57In red

00:29:58Die slow

00:29:59Whole family burn

00:30:00Hypocrites

00:30:01Jace stepped around the paint

00:30:02Pushed the half open door

00:30:03The living room came into view

00:30:05Tables

00:30:05Smashed

00:30:06Chairs

00:30:07Broken

00:30:07Couch

00:30:08Scorched

00:30:08The spiral staircase

00:30:09Had bloody clothes

00:30:10Scattered all the way up

00:30:11I covered my mouth

00:30:12Came close to throwing up

00:30:13Jace's mom was furious

00:30:14And scared at the same time

00:30:16She wanted to take me

00:30:16Right back out

00:30:17But Jace for once

00:30:18Stopped her

00:30:19Mom

00:30:21This needs an ending

00:30:23This is Anya's call

00:30:24Let her decide

00:30:25I made a fist

00:30:26Looked at Cole

00:30:27Who'd been silent

00:30:28Since we walked in

00:30:29You dragged me here

00:30:29And now you've gone mute

00:30:30Where are your parents

00:30:32Where's your sister

00:30:33His body swayed

00:30:34His chapped lips trembled

00:30:36Dad's in the ER

00:30:37Mom's in her room

00:30:38Olivia's is in a psych

00:30:40My chest tightened

00:30:41You lied to me

00:30:42You said everyone was home

00:30:43You said mom was just sick

00:30:45It's not just my mom

00:30:46She's our mom

00:30:47Anaya

00:30:47She's not

00:30:48I was breathing wrong

00:30:49You brought me here for what

00:30:51I tensed

00:30:51Shifted my weight

00:30:52Blocked auntie behind me

00:30:53No no

00:30:54I'm not here to hurt you

00:30:55I swear

00:30:56Mom

00:30:57Is really dying

00:30:59She

00:30:59We didn't finish

00:31:00Before my mother came stumbling out of her bedroom

00:31:03In a giant nightgown

00:31:04Hair everywhere

00:31:05Face hollowed out

00:31:06The second she saw me

00:31:07She nearly tumbled down the stairs

00:31:09Anya

00:31:09My Anya

00:31:10Sweetheart

00:31:11Are you hurt?

00:31:13Are you hurt?

00:31:14Anya

00:31:14My baby girl

00:31:16I'm so sorry

00:31:18It's all my fault

00:31:20My sweet girl

00:31:20I shouldn't have let those people

00:31:23Take you away

00:31:23Were you scared?

00:31:26My Anya

00:31:27Two tears fell from her eyes

00:31:28Onto the back of her hand

00:31:29Both of us froze

00:31:31She knew she had the memory

00:31:32Of last life

00:31:33She was crying for the version of herself

00:31:34Who watched her daughter

00:31:35Get dragged into a psych ward

00:31:37Sobbing until she vomited blood

00:31:38Crying for the version of herself

00:31:39Who let her daughter

00:31:40Cling to a car door

00:31:41Begging to be hugged

00:31:43One more time

00:31:43And turned away

00:31:44Mia

00:31:45Stop with this insanity

00:31:46Without you

00:31:47I still have my son and daughter

00:31:48My son is sweet and smart

00:31:50And adores his sister

00:31:51My daughter is gentle and respectful

00:31:53I can't imagine how I ended up

00:31:54With a neurotic mess like you

00:31:56You're an embarrassment to this family

00:31:57An embarrassment to this family

00:31:59That was the last thing my mother

00:32:00Had said to me in my last life

00:32:01I'd realized a while back

00:32:02She was starting to get her memories back too

00:32:04The headmaster had asked me once

00:32:06Confused if I had a nickname

00:32:07Mia

00:32:08Um

00:32:08Your mom texts me a lot

00:32:10Asked me to look after you

00:32:11It was always normal

00:32:12But the past two weeks

00:32:13She keeps getting your name wrong

00:32:15She'd thought it was a dream

00:32:16Or she'd lied to herself

00:32:17That it was a dream

00:32:18But then she heard me

00:32:19She realized it had all really happened

00:32:21And she broke

00:32:22Cole

00:32:23Send your mother to a psych ward

00:32:25She's a better fit for the place

00:32:26Than Olivia ever was

00:32:27Cole who had only been weeping

00:32:28Raised his head

00:32:29Looked at our increasingly unhinged mother

00:32:31And dropped to his knees

00:32:33While we waited for the doctor

00:32:34I finally pieced together

00:32:36From Cole's broken account

00:32:37What had happened

00:32:38Three years ago

00:32:38Olivia had overheard our mother

00:32:39Say she regretted adopting her

00:32:41That broke something in her

00:32:42The soft sweetness vanished

00:32:43She turned obsessive

00:32:44Vicious

00:32:45Vicious to everyone

00:32:46Worse to herself

00:32:47She started cutting herself

00:32:48In the middle of the night

00:32:49She'd take a knife

00:32:50Into our parents bedroom

00:32:51Slice open her arm

00:32:52Bleed

00:32:53Cutting and crying

00:32:54Telling them how her father

00:32:55Had begged ours to take her in

00:32:56Saying she loved them

00:32:57Saying she couldn't be abandoned

00:32:58The whole family was terrified

00:33:00No one dared say the words

00:33:01Send her away again

00:33:02They watched her even more carefully

00:33:04Used to be out of love

00:33:05Now it was fear

00:33:06But she still felt unsafe

00:33:07She started demanding

00:33:09Everyone be with her

00:33:10Day and night

00:33:11If anyone left

00:33:11She screamed and clawed

00:33:13At whatever was in reach

00:33:13Cole and Felix dropped out of school

00:33:15Because she'd clawed up their faces

00:33:17And that's why Felix's family

00:33:18Had gone to war with mine

00:33:19A month before

00:33:20My mother was already

00:33:21Not right in the head

00:33:22She would sit alone in a room

00:33:23And call out softly

00:33:24My girl

00:33:25Olivia thinking her adoptive mother

00:33:27Had finally come around

00:33:28Ran in to throw her arms around her

00:33:30My mother shoved her heart

00:33:31Onto the floor

00:33:32The softness was gone

00:33:33The way she looked at Olivia

00:33:34Was pure revulsion

00:33:35Olivia finally understood

00:33:36She wasn't the girl being called

00:33:38And her adoptive mother

00:33:38Was calling someone else

00:33:39Someone invisible

00:33:40Her real daughter

00:33:41Olivia couldn't take the humiliation

00:33:43She started torturing all of them harder

00:33:45When she overheard my parents

00:33:46Talking about cutting her loose

00:33:47The day she turned 18

00:33:48She got out the paint

00:33:49And ruined the whole front of the house

00:33:51I'll expose you

00:33:52You abused a dead man's daughter

00:33:54May you all rot

00:33:55The night before college application deadlines

00:33:57She demanded that Cole

00:33:58Stay up and take her to a bar

00:33:59When Cole flatly said he didn't want to

00:34:01She sliced her wrist

00:34:02Cole panicked

00:34:03Bandaged her

00:34:04And went

00:34:04She drugged his drink

00:34:05By the time Cole came to

00:34:06It was late the next afternoon

00:34:08Cole

00:34:09I matter more than the college, right?

00:34:12I'm the most important, right?

00:34:13Cole shut himself in his room

00:34:15And refused to come out

00:34:16What was harder to believe

00:34:17Was that she'd used my name

00:34:18To lure Felix out too

00:34:20Cole said Felix's drink wasn't drugged

00:34:21At least before he passed out

00:34:23Felix had been completely alert

00:34:25Somehow Felix didn't make it

00:34:26To the application either

00:34:27Felix's father showed up

00:34:28At our house with men

00:34:29The men he brought

00:34:30Stabbed my father

00:34:31And dragged Olivia to a psych ward

00:34:34My mother was still wildly unstable

00:34:35Especially after the doctors arrived

00:34:37She wrapped both arms around me

00:34:39And wouldn't let go

00:34:39Screaming

00:34:40Don't take my daughter

00:34:41Don't take me away

00:34:43I pried her hands off me

00:34:44First, I'm not your daughter

00:34:45Second, my name isn't Mia

00:34:47And I hate that name

00:34:48About as much as I hate you

00:34:50You and your husband

00:34:50Weren't raising kids

00:34:51You were running a fight ring

00:34:52Last one alive

00:34:53Gets to call you mom

00:34:54And honestly, I'm baffled

00:34:56Every kid you adopt

00:34:57Every kid you raise

00:34:58Ends up a wreck

00:34:58If you can't love your kids equally

00:35:00Why have them at all?

00:35:01She finally went silent

00:35:02Eyes huge

00:35:03Tears non-stop

00:35:04In the end

00:35:04Like the last bit of air

00:35:05Had been pushed out of her

00:35:06She collapsed to her knees

00:35:07And let the doctors and nurses

00:35:08Load her into the car

00:35:09Past the bushes by the door

00:35:11I could feel something burning into me

00:35:12A stare

00:35:13I turned

00:35:14Just caught a limping figure

00:35:15Walking away

00:35:16The second I recognized that walk

00:35:17Anya?

00:35:18Jace was calling me

00:35:19And I turned back

00:35:20He was tilting

00:35:21Or doubling

00:35:21His outline split into two

00:35:23Three

00:35:23No, not him

00:35:24And it was me

00:35:25Anya

00:35:26My head was so heavy

00:35:27And I'd walked into fog

00:35:28Like a stray ghost

00:35:29Drifting, searching

00:35:30With nowhere to go

00:35:31Anna

00:35:32Anna

00:35:33Anna

00:35:34Someone calling me?

00:35:35But my name was Mia now

00:35:36I'd had it changed

00:35:37Anya

00:35:38Don't scare me

00:35:40Anya

00:35:40Who was calling?

00:35:41Sounded like a boy

00:35:42Voice cracked with panic

00:35:43Made me want to cry

00:35:44And I wanted to tell him

00:35:45Don't cry

00:35:46I'm not worth it

00:35:47You are

00:35:48You deserve to be loved

00:35:49Anya

00:35:50Is your real name Anya?

00:35:52It's beautiful

00:35:54So much better than Mia

00:35:55Anya

00:35:56From now on I'll only call you Anya

00:35:58Don't be scared

00:35:58If that psycho comes back

00:36:00I'll throw him out

00:36:00He tries to choke you again

00:36:01Touch you

00:36:02I'll kill him myself

00:36:03Hey, Anya

00:36:04Don't cry

00:36:05They just shocked me a couple times

00:36:06I'm tough

00:36:06I can take it

00:36:07Doesn't hurt

00:36:07Anya

00:36:08What's wrong?

00:36:09Why are you coughing blood?

00:36:10You're scaring me

00:36:11What?

00:36:11Where did these bruises come from?

00:36:13Your brother

00:36:14Your brother kicked you

00:36:15Is he even human?

00:36:17Anna

00:36:17No

00:36:19Don't close your eyes, please

00:36:20The blurry voices in the fog

00:36:22And one clear sobbing voice overlapped

00:36:24Oh

00:36:25I know now

00:36:26I see you

00:36:28My chase

00:36:29The boy who'd shared that psych ward with me once

00:36:32And lastly

00:36:32The boy who at 18 watched both his parents die saving someone

00:36:36The boy whose mind broke

00:36:38The boy who when Felix had a hand around my throat

00:36:41And his mouth on mine

00:36:42Broke out of his restraints

00:36:43And put a fist through Felix's temple

00:36:45The boy who again and again

00:36:47Sat through electroshock for me

00:36:49After I stopped breathing

00:36:50He broke out of that godforsaken psych ward

00:36:52Set the Lindquist house on fire

00:36:54Watched them scream and run and shove each other in the flames

00:36:57All one by one

00:36:58Then took a piece of broken glass and dragged it across his own throat

00:37:00We met again in the fog

00:37:02He took my hand and led me forward step by step

00:37:04Anya

00:37:05Why didn't I find you sooner?

00:37:07I love you

00:37:08I love you

00:37:09I love you so much

00:37:10You deserve everything

00:37:12Anya

00:37:13If we get to do it over

00:37:14Stay far from what hurts you

00:37:16Love yourself

00:37:17More than anyone

00:37:18Promise me

00:37:18Yes

00:37:19I want to make the trade

00:37:21Trade my whole soul

00:37:23For the love and feeling that girl pawned to you

00:37:25She doesn't get to lose her ability to love

00:37:27She has to love herself

00:37:29She has to grow a heart that loves herself

00:37:31Please

00:37:32Give it back

00:37:33The sweet man looked up at the stubborn boy in front of him

00:37:36His eyes held something almost like pity

00:37:38All right

00:37:39In fact

00:37:42I'll make you a wager

00:37:45How about it?

00:37:46I bet

00:37:46This girl

00:37:47Even this lifetime

00:37:48Doesn't learn to love herself

00:37:50I'll take every memory of you out of her

00:37:52And you

00:37:53I'll send back with these memories

00:37:55You'll watch her

00:37:56Day after day

00:37:56Walk the same path

00:37:57Unable to speak

00:37:58Unable to change anything

00:38:00He held out a hand

00:38:01A contract

00:38:02You're wrong

00:38:04She will learn to love herself

00:38:06I'm sure of it

00:38:07The boy didn't hesitate

00:38:08Gave him his heart

00:38:09A flash of white light

00:38:11I opened my eyes

00:38:13A hospital ceiling

00:38:14And by the bed

00:38:15Jace

00:38:15Slumped forward

00:38:16Gripping my hand like I might disappear

00:38:18You're awake

00:38:19My movement had woken him

00:38:21I looked at him

00:38:22At the dark circles under his eyes

00:38:24At the worry he was trying to hide

00:38:25The tears came before I could stop them

00:38:27I know

00:38:29I know it was you

00:38:30Before he could react

00:38:31I threw myself into his arms

00:38:34Two months later

00:38:35I was discharged

00:38:36The doctor said it was a short blackout

00:38:38Caused by emotional overload

00:38:39Jace and I got into the same university

00:38:41Just like we'd planned

00:38:42In our free time

00:38:43Jace put a lot of work

00:38:43Into educating amateur climbers

00:38:45About the dangers of snow mountains

00:38:47And basic survival skills

00:38:48The mountain rescue team

00:38:49We self-funded

00:38:50Was now up and running

00:38:51And his parents

00:38:52Still the same firecrackers

00:38:53They'd always been

00:38:54I'd thought about asking them

00:38:55To stop climbing

00:38:56Jace and I both worried

00:38:56They'd lose their lives

00:38:57Saving someone again

00:38:58Every time I tried

00:38:59The light in their eyes shut me up

00:39:01People need to love things

00:39:02For forcing them to give it up

00:39:04Is its own kind of cruelty

00:39:05Luckily

00:39:06The fall we turned 18

00:39:07They saved the climber

00:39:09Clinging to a cliff edge

00:39:10This time

00:39:11With a professional rescue team

00:39:12Backing them up

00:39:13Nobody got hurt

00:39:14I saw the headline pop on my phone

00:39:16And grabbed Jace

00:39:17And made him do three laps

00:39:18Around the field with me

00:39:19He finally dropped the casual front

00:39:21Knelt on the rubber track

00:39:22And cried and laughed

00:39:23For half an hour

00:39:24I looked down

00:39:25Scrolled

00:39:25A few headlines also popped out

00:39:27Adler family declares bankruptcy

00:39:29Patriarch sentence for hiring a hit

00:39:31Murder for hire case takes a turn

00:39:33Olivia Lindquist confesses

00:39:34She drugged Felix Adler

00:39:35And handed him to men

00:39:36Known to prey on young men

00:39:37Love and revenge entangled

00:39:39Felix Adler strangles Olivia Lindquist

00:39:42In a psychiatric facility

00:39:43Death penalty likely

00:39:45Former child prodigy

00:39:46Cole Lindquist

00:39:47Found dead at home

00:39:48Suicide suspected

00:39:49Hey

00:39:50Why aren't you comforting me?

00:39:51What are you reading?

00:39:52I gave up

00:39:53Took his hand

00:39:53Comforting you?

00:39:55Not enough

00:39:56What do you want?

00:39:57He leaned in

00:39:59You?

00:40:01Shameless

00:40:02The year we graduated college

00:40:04Jace and I finally stood on top of Mont Blanc

00:40:06Snow that never melts

00:40:07White everywhere

00:40:08Below us

00:40:09But this time

00:40:10None of the heaviness from my first climb

00:40:12I was still just a little worried

00:40:13I put my hand on his chest again

00:40:15You really feel fine?

00:40:17Not even a little off?

00:40:19We're back

00:40:19Not even a little

00:40:20Not at all

00:40:22My Anya is amazing

00:40:25Loves herself

00:40:26Works hard

00:40:27Won me my bet so completely

00:40:29I let out a long breath

00:40:31Although

00:40:31Don't you think?

00:40:33My heart's beating really fast

00:40:34You

00:40:36Pervert

00:40:36Give me back my sweet innocent boy

00:40:38He grinned at me

00:40:39Those two little canine teeth showing

00:40:41Then his grin faded

00:40:42He looked at me for a long moment

00:40:44Anya

00:40:45Hmm?

00:40:46He let go of my hand

00:40:47Took a step back

00:40:48And then dropped to one knee in the snow

00:40:49I froze and he fumbled inside his climbing jacket

00:40:51Pulled out a small velvet box

00:40:53His hands were shaking

00:40:54Not from the cold

00:40:55I had a whole speech planned

00:40:57Forgot all of it

00:40:58You can't imagine how happy I'm the day watched you walked into room 7B with a stack of books

00:41:02In every life

00:41:03The one you remember

00:41:04The one you don't

00:41:05They told me you'd never learn to love yourself

00:41:07They said I'd lose

00:41:07They said I'd watch you walk the same road and never be able to stop you

00:41:10But you did it

00:41:12You loved yourself first

00:41:13He finally looked up

00:41:14His eyes were wet

00:41:15Will you let me love you for the rest of this one?

00:41:17I knelt in front of him in the snow

00:41:19Took his face in both my hands

00:41:21You stupid idiot

00:41:22That's not a yes

00:41:24It's a yes

00:41:25I kissed him

00:41:28When we pulled apart

00:41:29He slid the ring onto my finger

00:41:30With hands still shaking

00:41:32I looked down at it

00:41:34At the small stone

00:41:35Catching the sun

00:41:36Tell him he lost

00:41:38Jace went still

00:41:39Then he started laughing

00:41:41Really laughing

00:41:42Loud and bright

00:41:43Echoing off the snow

00:41:45Three months after Montblanc

00:41:47The ring sat on my finger

00:41:48Simple

00:41:48Perfect

00:41:49Real

00:41:50Jace's mother was in our living room

00:41:52With three binders

00:41:53Two laptops

00:41:53And a phone she kept losing

00:41:55Anya

00:41:56Sweetheart

00:41:58Outdoor or indoor

00:41:59Pick one

00:42:00I beg you

00:42:01Outdoor

00:42:01She kissed my forehead

00:42:03Thank you

00:42:04He'd argue with me for an hour about chairs

00:42:07I would not

00:42:09You would

00:42:09You did

00:42:10Last week

00:42:11About napkins

00:42:13Old classmates

00:42:15Your tutor

00:42:16The lady from the bakery you like

00:42:18Your roommate from college

00:42:19They will come for you

00:42:21That night in bed

00:42:22Jace pulled me against his chest

00:42:24You okay?

00:42:25Yes

00:42:26Liar

00:42:27Tomorrow's the fitting

00:42:29I know

00:42:31I'll be fine

00:42:33I know

00:42:34He kissed the top of my head

00:42:35You don't have to be fine Anya

00:42:37The next morning

00:42:38Jace's mother drove me to the bridal shop herself

00:42:40The shop was bright and fancy

00:42:42The seamstress brought out three dresses

00:42:44I picked the one with the least fabric

00:42:45Less to think about

00:42:46The dress fit

00:42:47I looked in the mirror

00:42:48A beautiful bride looked back at me

00:42:50But suddenly something hit me

00:42:51I sat down on the little velvet stool

00:42:53In the corner of the dressing room

00:42:55And put my hands over my face

00:42:56And started to cry

00:42:57Jace's mother stepped inside

00:42:59She knelt down in front of the stool

00:43:00And put both arms around me

00:43:02And held on

00:43:02I cried into her shoulder

00:43:04Until I ran out of tears

00:43:05And then I cried a little more anyway

00:43:07She wiped under my eyes with her thumb

00:43:09Better?

00:43:10After a long time

00:43:11My breathing evened out

00:43:12A little

00:43:13Good

00:43:15She stood up

00:43:16The dress is gorgeous on you

00:43:18We'll get it taken in half an inch

00:43:20At the waist

00:43:21Anya

00:43:22You're allowed to have a small wedding

00:43:24You're allowed to have a big one

00:43:26And you're allowed to cry in a dressing room

00:43:29But you're not allowed to apologize for it

00:43:31Hear me?

00:43:32I nodded

00:43:32She kissed my forehead and walked out

00:43:34I sat there in the dress for another minute

00:43:36And then I stood up

00:43:37Faced the mirror

00:43:37And looked at the woman in white

00:43:39This time I smiled back at her

00:43:41Look at us

00:43:42How lucky we are

00:43:45Two weeks before the wedding

00:43:46And I was sorting old emails

00:43:47On a Sunday morning

00:43:48Most of it was junk

00:43:49A coupon from a hiking store

00:43:51A reminder about my dentist

00:43:52A receipt I'd lost

00:43:53Then one with no subject line

00:43:55The sender was a recovery facility

00:43:57My finger hovered over delete

00:43:58I opened it instead

00:44:00Miss Lindrist

00:44:01My name is Dr. Halber

00:44:03I am writing to you on behalf of a patient

00:44:05In our long-term care program

00:44:06His name is Cole Lindrist

00:44:08He has been with us for three years

00:44:09He asked me only to pass on a message

00:44:11He wanted you to know that

00:44:12Even though he can't face you

00:44:13He's sorry for everything that happened

00:44:14And he heard you're getting married

00:44:15He wanted to wish you both every happiness

00:44:17Sincerely, Dr. M. Halber

00:44:19What's wrong?

00:44:20I turned the laptop toward him

00:44:21And he read

00:44:22His jaw did the thing it did

00:44:23When he was angry

00:44:24He kept reading

00:44:25He read it again

00:44:28So

00:44:29What do you think about it, sweetheart?

00:44:32I thought he was dead

00:44:33In the other life?

00:44:35Yes

00:44:36This one's different

00:44:37I know

00:44:38I looked at the screen

00:44:40He didn't ask to see me

00:44:43No

00:44:43He just wanted to apologize?

00:44:46Yeah

00:44:46Chase?

00:44:48Yeah

00:44:49I want to go

00:44:51Okay

00:44:53You don't think it's a bad idea?

00:44:55I think it's your idea

00:44:56That's all I need to know

00:44:57And I'll drive you

00:44:58And wait in the parking lot

00:45:00Chase

00:45:01Non-negotiable

00:45:02I won't come in

00:45:03I won't text

00:45:05But I have to be there

00:45:06When you walk out

00:45:06He reached up

00:45:08And took my hand

00:45:08He kissed my knuckles

00:45:10Right over the ring

00:45:11I picked the laptop back up

00:45:12I wrote three lines

00:45:13To Dr. Halpern

00:45:14I would like to come

00:45:15Friday if possible

00:45:17The facility was a low brick

00:45:19Building outside the city

00:45:20Pine trees

00:45:21A pond

00:45:21Chase turned off the engine

00:45:23I'll be here

00:45:23Yes

00:45:24Take as long as you need

00:45:26I won't

00:45:28I got out

00:45:29Walked through the lobby

00:45:30Signed in

00:45:31A woman in a soft cardigan

00:45:33Led me down a hallway

00:45:34That smelled faintly of bleach

00:45:35She stopped at a door

00:45:37Marked visitation room three

00:45:38He's already inside

00:45:39There's glass between you

00:45:41It's standard for long term patients

00:45:43In his level of care

00:45:44You can stand or sit

00:45:45There's an intercom

00:45:46Press the button to speak

00:45:47Thank you

00:45:48She opened the door for me

00:45:49And stepped back

00:45:50I walked in

00:45:51Cole was on the other side

00:45:52Of the glass

00:45:52I almost didn't recognize him

00:45:54And he had lost so much weight

00:45:55That his cheekbones were sharp

00:45:56His hair was shorter

00:45:57Than I'd ever seen it

00:45:58He wore a grey sweatshirt

00:45:59And soft pants

00:46:00And shoes without laces

00:46:01His eyes were the same color as mine

00:46:02He stood up when I came in

00:46:04He looked a little panic

00:46:05I sat down and pressed the intercom

00:46:10Hello Cole

00:46:13Hi

00:46:14He pressed his own

00:46:15His voice was quieter than I remembered

00:46:17Slower

00:46:17He didn't waste time

00:46:18Thank you for coming

00:46:21I didn't come for you

00:46:22Can I say what I want you to know?

00:46:24Yes

00:46:27I made a list

00:46:29Of the things I got wrong

00:46:31I thought I would say them to you

00:46:32If I ever got the chance

00:46:33So

00:46:34Okay

00:46:36I shouldn't have let go of your hand

00:46:38On the stairs that day

00:46:39I shouldn't have kicked you into the thorns

00:46:42I shouldn't have called you cruel

00:46:44For being upset about a bracelet

00:46:45I forgot I'd given you

00:46:48I shouldn't have gone along

00:46:49With the name change

00:46:51I shouldn't have let them

00:46:52Put you in that place

00:46:55He didn't ask me to say anything back

00:46:56He just listed them

00:46:58Each thing

00:46:58Some of the things he said

00:46:59Were things I had forgotten

00:47:00Some of them I hadn't

00:47:02When he got to the end of the list

00:47:03He stopped

00:47:04He looked up at me

00:47:04Through the glass

00:47:05For the first time

00:47:06Since I'd sat down

00:47:07That's all

00:47:08I'm not asking you to forgive me

00:47:10I wanted you to know

00:47:11That I know

00:47:12Thank you for telling me

00:47:15But we're not going to see each other again

00:47:21He nodded once

00:47:22Okay

00:47:23I stood up

00:47:24I picked up my bag

00:47:25I had my hand on the handle

00:47:27When his voice came through the speaker

00:47:28Soft

00:47:31I stopped

00:47:32I didn't turn around

00:47:33Have a beautiful wedding

00:47:35Then I opened it and walked out

00:47:36In the parking lot

00:47:37Jace was leaning against the car

00:47:38He saw me coming

00:47:39And pushed off the door

00:47:40But didn't move toward me

00:47:41I walked the last 20 feet

00:47:42And stopped in front of him

00:47:44Hi

00:47:48Hi

00:47:51Are you okay?

00:47:53Yes

00:47:54Really?

00:47:56Really

00:47:58He opened the car door for me

00:47:59I got in with a smile

00:48:02The call came on a Tuesday afternoon

00:48:04I was at the foundation's office

00:48:05Reviewing the quarterly report

00:48:07When Jace walked in

00:48:08With his phone in his hand

00:48:09And a look on his face

00:48:10I hadn't seen before

00:48:10What?

00:48:12Mercier Sport is pulling

00:48:13I sat down the report

00:48:15All of it?

00:48:17All of it

00:48:18They issued a statement an hour ago

00:48:20On what grounds?

00:48:21Mismanagement

00:48:22Specific my call last week

00:48:23On the Pyrenees rescue

00:48:24The call where you brought

00:48:25Everyone home alive?

00:48:26That one

00:48:27Yes

00:48:28He sat down across from me

00:48:29And I picked up my own phone

00:48:31The statement was already trending

00:48:32In the climbing community

00:48:35I looked up

00:48:36They're going after your dad

00:48:38Yes

00:48:40Why?

00:48:42He turned the phone toward me

00:48:43A second article posted within the hour

00:48:45An anonymous source

00:48:46Claims that the 2007 rescue

00:48:48Had been embellished

00:48:49Claims that one of the climbers

00:48:50Had nearly died

00:48:51Because of a delayed call

00:48:52Claims that Jace's father

00:48:53Had lied to the press

00:48:54For two decades

00:48:55I scrolled

00:48:56The comments were already nasty

00:48:57I told my dad to ignore it

00:48:59He won't

00:49:00He didn't move from the chair

00:49:02I noticed his hands

00:49:03Resting on his knees

00:49:04Loose

00:49:04Calm

00:49:05Too calm

00:49:06I'll handle the board

00:49:07We'll find another sponsor

00:49:08It'll take a year

00:49:09Maybe two

00:49:10The rescue work doesn't stop

00:49:12Jace

00:49:12It's fine

00:49:14It's a business problem

00:49:16Jace

00:49:17He looked at me

00:49:18And I didn't push

00:49:19He stood up after a while

00:49:20And went to make calls

00:49:21And I watched him

00:49:22Through the glass wall

00:49:23Of the conference room

00:49:24He talked to four people

00:49:25In an hour

00:49:26Then he hung up

00:49:27He drank water

00:49:27He made another

00:49:29I went to bed at midnight

00:49:30I woke up at three

00:49:31The balcony light was still on

00:49:33I walked to the doorway

00:49:34In my socks

00:49:35And stopped

00:49:35He was standing at the railing

00:49:37His back to me

00:49:37A beer untouched

00:49:39On the little table

00:49:39Next to him

00:49:40The city was quiet

00:49:41At three in the morning

00:49:42You could see the streetlights

00:49:43All the way down

00:49:43He didn't know I was there

00:49:44He stood there for another

00:49:45Ten minutes without moving

00:49:47Then he put his hand

00:49:48Over his face

00:49:48And bent forward

00:49:49Just a little

00:49:50And his shoulders moved once

00:49:51And then again

00:49:52I had known this man

00:49:53Since I was thirteen years old

00:49:55I had never seen him do that

00:49:56He'd been the strong one

00:49:57For me for so long

00:49:58That I'd let myself believe

00:49:59He was just made that way

00:50:00He needed that ten minutes

00:50:01By himself

00:50:01But when he finally turned around

00:50:03And saw me in the doorway

00:50:04I walked across the balcony

00:50:05And wrapped both arms

00:50:06Around his middle

00:50:07Tomorrow

00:50:08Tomorrow what?

00:50:10I handle it

00:50:11Aina

00:50:13Believe me

00:50:15The press conference

00:50:16Was at 2pm

00:50:17The next afternoon

00:50:18I called it

00:50:19I did not tell Jace

00:50:20Until I'd already booked the room

00:50:21He found out at nine

00:50:22That morning

00:50:23And walked into the kitchen

00:50:24With his coffee

00:50:24And stared at me

00:50:26Anya

00:50:28Yes

00:50:30You called a press conference

00:50:32Yes

00:50:34In my father's name

00:50:36In the foundation's name

00:50:37I slid my laptop

00:50:38Across the table

00:50:39He read for a long time

00:50:40Then he looked up

00:50:42Where did you get the audio?

00:50:43From the team

00:50:44All of it is logged

00:50:45Mercier signed off

00:50:46On the protocol

00:50:47When they came on

00:50:47I just pulled the files

00:50:48And the climber

00:50:492007

00:50:49He flew in this morning

00:50:51He said

00:50:51They'll speak after me

00:50:54Anya

00:50:55You did all of this last night?

00:50:57I started immediately

00:50:58When I knew it

00:50:59He sat there with the laptop

00:51:00I watched him

00:51:01He closed it

00:51:02He pushed it back to me

00:51:03He didn't say thank you

00:51:04He just nodded once

00:51:05And kissed me

00:51:06The conference room

00:51:08Was full at 1.50

00:51:09Cameras on stands

00:51:10Reporters in chairs

00:51:11A long table at the front

00:51:13With a microphone

00:51:13And a pitcher of water

00:51:14I walked in

00:51:15At two on the dot

00:51:16I sat down

00:51:17I poured myself

00:51:18A glass of water

00:51:19I drank half of it

00:51:20And then I started

00:51:21I went through

00:51:22The Pyrenees rescue

00:51:23In order

00:51:24Wind conditions

00:51:25Decision points

00:51:26Timestamps

00:51:26The exact moment

00:51:27Jace had made each call

00:51:28I played the recordings

00:51:29I had every document

00:51:31The original incident report

00:51:32The medical records

00:51:33With the surviving climbers

00:51:34Signed permission

00:51:35The radio logs

00:51:3640 minutes in

00:51:37I brought up the climber

00:51:38From 2007

00:51:39He was a quiet man

00:51:40In his 60s

00:51:41He sat down next to me

00:51:42He thanked Jace's father

00:51:43By name

00:51:43He explained what had actually

00:51:45Happened in that storm

00:51:46He cried a little

00:51:47At the end of it

00:51:48I closed the conference

00:51:49At four

00:51:50I walked out the side door

00:51:51Got in the car

00:51:52Where Jace was waiting

00:51:53And sat down

00:51:53He had been watching

00:51:54The live stream on his phone

00:51:55I could see it still open

00:51:56On his lap

00:51:57Anya

00:51:58All my life

00:51:59All my life

00:52:00I have been the one

00:52:00Who stepped in front

00:52:01I know

00:52:03And just now

00:52:03You stepped in front of me

00:52:05Anya

00:52:07In this life

00:52:08It's been you protecting me

00:52:10It's both of us

00:52:11We protect each other

00:52:12By the next morning

00:52:13Their CEO

00:52:14Had requested a meeting

00:52:15By that afternoon

00:52:16He was standing

00:52:17In the foundation's lobby

00:52:18Holding a bouquet of flowers

00:52:19And a written apology

00:52:20Jace took the meeting alone

00:52:21I don't know what he said

00:52:22In that room

00:52:23When he came out

00:52:24The CEO was paler

00:52:25Than when he'd gone in

00:52:26He kept the apology

00:52:27He told me later

00:52:28In bed that night

00:52:29That he'd accepted the apology

00:52:30Because they would print it

00:52:32He told me he had not

00:52:33Accepted the funding

00:52:36We don't need them

00:52:37He kissed the top of my head

00:52:38And finally went to a good sleep

00:52:41The hospital called on a Thursday morning

00:52:43Six days before the wedding

00:52:44A nurse

00:52:44Professional

00:52:45Careful with her words

00:52:48Miss Linderstreen

00:52:49I'm calling about your mother

00:52:50Yes

00:52:50She has taken a turn

00:52:52The doctor doesn't think

00:52:53She has long

00:52:54Days?

00:52:56Possibly

00:52:56We thought you should know

00:52:58Thank you

00:52:59I hung up

00:53:00I sat at the kitchen counter

00:53:02With my hands still on the phone

00:53:04Jace was at the foundation that morning

00:53:06The apartment was quiet

00:53:07I made a fresh pot of coffee

00:53:09I poured a cup

00:53:10I carried it to the window seat

00:53:12In the living room

00:53:12And sat down with my feet tucked up

00:53:14And watched the city wake up

00:53:16I didn't call Jace

00:53:17I just sat there

00:53:18And I wasn't deciding whether to go

00:53:20Not whether to forgive her

00:53:21Forgiveness wasn't on the table

00:53:22It hadn't been on the table

00:53:23Since I was 12

00:53:24The question was simpler than that

00:53:26How did I want this to end?

00:53:30By next morning I knew

00:53:31I drove myself

00:53:32I didn't tell Jace

00:53:33Until I was already in the car

00:53:34He didn't stop me

00:53:35He just said

00:53:36Call me when you're out

00:53:37The hospital was the kind

00:53:39With long quiet corridors

00:53:40And the smell of clean sheets

00:53:42And lemon disinfectant

00:53:43A nurse showed me to the room

00:53:46My mother was small

00:53:47That was the first thing I noticed

00:53:48She had always been a tall woman

00:53:50Now she was small in the bed

00:53:51Her hair was thin and white

00:53:52At the roots

00:53:53Her hands on the blanket

00:53:54Looked like a stranger's hands

00:53:56There were no other visitors

00:53:57I didn't know if that was

00:53:58Because they weren't allowed in

00:53:59Or because there was no one to come

00:54:00I didn't ask

00:54:01I walked to the bed

00:54:02I pulled up the chair

00:54:03And sat down

00:54:04I didn't take her hand right away

00:54:05I just sat there

00:54:06And looked at her

00:54:07Her eyes were closed

00:54:08Her breathing was shallow

00:54:09The monitor beside her

00:54:11Clicked at intervals

00:54:12After a while

00:54:13She stirred

00:54:14Her eyes opened halfway

00:54:15They were cloudy

00:54:16They moved slowly

00:54:17Across the ceiling

00:54:18Then the wall

00:54:18Then me

00:54:19For a long second

00:54:20They were empty

00:54:22Then somewhere

00:54:23Very far behind them

00:54:24Something flickered

00:54:24Just for a second

00:54:26Her mouth moved

00:54:31Anya

00:54:33Not me

00:54:33Anya

00:54:34The name she had

00:54:35Taken away from me

00:54:36When I was 14

00:54:36I took her hand

00:54:38I didn't say anything

00:54:39I held her hand for three minutes

00:54:40By the clock on the wall

00:54:41I felt her pulse

00:54:42I felt the bones in her fingers

00:54:43I didn't tell her she was forgiven

00:54:45I didn't tell her she wasn't

00:54:46I didn't tell her I had a wedding next week

00:54:48I didn't tell her about Jace

00:54:49I didn't tell her anything

00:54:51After three minutes

00:54:51I set her hand down

00:54:52On the blanket gently

00:54:53I stood up

00:54:54She had closed her eyes again

00:54:56I walked to the door

00:54:57I didn't look back

00:54:59In the corridor

00:55:00The nurse asked me

00:55:01If I wanted to leave a number

00:55:02Would you like to leave a number?

00:55:04No

00:55:04Thank you

00:55:06I walked out into the parking lot

00:55:07And I called Jace from the car

00:55:10Hi

00:55:11Hi

00:55:12Hi

00:55:13I'm out

00:55:15How are you?

00:55:15I sat with the question

00:55:16I sat with it long enough

00:55:18That he knew not to ask again

00:55:21I didn't forgive her

00:55:23Okay

00:55:24But I took it out of my chest

00:55:25The whole thing

00:55:26I just carried it out of the room

00:55:27And left it there

00:55:28He was quiet on the other end of the line

00:55:30Then he said very gently

00:55:32Come home, Anya

00:55:35She died three days later

00:55:36I did not go to the funeral

00:55:38I didn't tell anyone except Jace

00:55:39He didn't ask why

00:55:40He knew

00:55:43The night before the wedding

00:55:44The rehearsal was over

00:55:45The dinner was over

00:55:46The last of the Foundation crew

00:55:48Had hugged me and stumbled out laughing

00:55:49Toward their hotel

00:55:50Jace was going to stay with his friends

00:55:52For the last single night

00:55:53He'd kissed me at the door

00:55:55Of the cottage

00:55:55And stood there with his forehead

00:55:57Against mine

00:55:58For one long beat

00:55:59Tomorrow

00:56:00Yeah

00:56:01Tomorrow

00:56:02He'd left

00:56:03I was in the cottage by myself

00:56:05Just me in the dress

00:56:06Hanging on the closet door

00:56:07White and patient

00:56:08There was a knock

00:56:09I opened it

00:56:10Jace's mother stood on the porch

00:56:12Holding a wooden box

00:56:13The box was old

00:56:14The wood was dark

00:56:15And worn smooth at the corners

00:56:17There was no handle

00:56:18She held it with both hands

00:56:20Hi honey

00:56:21Can I come in?

00:56:22Of course

00:56:23She stepped inside

00:56:24She set the box

00:56:25On the little table by the window

00:56:27She didn't sit down

00:56:28I wasn't going to give this to you tonight

00:56:30I was going to give it to you tomorrow

00:56:31Before the ceremony

00:56:32But I think tonight is better

00:56:34Okay

00:56:35I want you to open it after I leave

00:56:38Okay

00:56:38She looked at me

00:56:39Her eyes were bright

00:56:40But she wasn't crying

00:56:41Anya

00:56:42She didn't say whatever it was

00:56:43She'd been about to say

00:56:44She came across the room

00:56:45And hugged me hard

00:56:46Once

00:56:46And kissed me on the side of my head

00:56:48And walked back to the door

00:56:51Sleep early baby

00:56:54I will

00:56:55The door clicked shut

00:56:57I stood in the middle of the room

00:56:58I went to the table

00:56:59I opened the box

00:57:00Inside the things were not arranged

00:57:02They were just placed

00:57:03A pencil sketch

00:57:04In the corner of the sketch

00:57:05In pencil

00:57:06Was a date

00:57:06Two months before my birthday that year

00:57:08She had sketched it

00:57:09Under the sketch

00:57:10Was a paper train ticket

00:57:11The date and the destination still legible

00:57:13Our first climb together

00:57:14That summer

00:57:15Under the ticket was a photograph

00:57:17Me

00:57:17In a graduation gown from college

00:57:20I had never seen this photo before

00:57:21I had not known anyone took it

00:57:23She had been in the audience that day

00:57:25So had Jace's father

00:57:26So had Jace

00:57:27They had all been there

00:57:28But I had not been looking

00:57:29And no one had told me

00:57:30They had taken pictures

00:57:31There were three of them

00:57:32From three different angles

00:57:33Under the photographs was an envelope

00:57:35My name on the front

00:57:36In her handwriting

00:57:37Just my name

00:57:38Anya

00:57:39I sat down on the floor by the table

00:57:41And I opened the envelope

00:57:42A single sentence

00:57:43Thank you for letting us be your family

00:57:45That was all

00:57:45I sat on the floor for a long time

00:57:47With the letter in my hands

00:57:49I read the sentence three times

00:57:51And then I folded the paper

00:57:52I put it back in the envelope

00:57:53I put the envelope back in the box

00:57:54I closed the lid

00:57:55I stood up

00:57:56I walked to the mirror over the dresser

00:57:57The woman in the mirror was barefoot

00:57:59In pajamas with her hair down

00:58:01But she looked young

00:58:02She looked like a person

00:58:03About to do something big

00:58:05I looked at her

00:58:07You're getting married tomorrow

00:58:08The woman in the mirror smiled

00:58:10It wasn't a small smile

00:58:12It was an enormous smile

00:58:13The kind that goes all the way up

00:58:14Into the eyes

00:58:18The morning was clear and cold

00:58:19We held it at the foot of a mountain

00:58:21The one with the long ridge

00:58:22And the meadow

00:58:23That flooded with wildflowers

00:58:24In early summer

00:58:25The setup was simple

00:58:26White folding chairs

00:58:27In two short rows

00:58:28An arch made of pine

00:58:30And trailing greens

00:58:31A path of pressed grass

00:58:32Between the chairs

00:58:33The guests were small in number

00:58:34A few old classmates

00:58:36Some of the foundation crew

00:58:37My old high school homeroom teacher

00:58:39Two of Jace's parents

00:58:40Oldest climbing partners

00:58:41That was the way I'd wanted it

00:58:43That was the way Jace had wanted it

00:58:44I walked the path alone

00:58:45Jace's mother had offered

00:58:47So had his father

00:58:48I had thanked them both

00:58:49And asked to walk by myself

00:58:50They had understood

00:58:51I held a small bouquet

00:58:53Wildflowers

00:58:53White and pale yellow

00:58:54The afternoon light was gold

00:58:56On the meadow

00:58:56Jace was at the arch

00:58:58He was wearing a navy suit

00:58:59No tie

00:59:00His hair was a little too long

00:59:01He looked exactly like

00:59:02The 17 year old

00:59:03Who'd handed me a wrapped box

00:59:04At my 14th birthday

00:59:06And scratched his head

00:59:07And said I hope you like it

00:59:08He looked at me

00:59:09The whole way down the path

00:59:10He didn't try to look composed

00:59:11His mouth was open a little

00:59:13His eyes were wet

00:59:14I walked toward him slowly

00:59:15I didn't want to hurry in

00:59:16I wanted to remember every second

00:59:17When I got to the arch

00:59:19He reached for my hand

00:59:19He couldn't help it

00:59:20He just reached

00:59:21The officiant smiled

00:59:22And let him

00:59:23When it came time for the vows

00:59:24Jace went first

00:59:25He cleared his throat

00:59:26He looked at me

00:59:27He didn't read off a paper

00:59:28He'd memorized it

00:59:29I could tell because of the way

00:59:31His hand kept moving

00:59:32Like it wanted to hold something

00:59:33Ana

00:59:34Yes

00:59:34I have been waiting for Tay

00:59:36Since I was 12 years old

00:59:37Since a basketball that bounced off the head

00:59:38And you walked past me in the doorway

00:59:39With your arms full of books

00:59:40A small laugh from the crowd

00:59:42He didn't break eye contact

00:59:43I have been waiting for today

00:59:45Across more lifetimes than you know about

00:59:46He took a breath

00:59:47And through every one of them

00:59:48The answer has been the same

00:59:50It's you

00:59:51It's only you

00:59:51It will always be you

00:59:52Thank you Jace

00:59:54Thank you for loving me

00:59:55When I didn't yet know how to love myself

00:59:56He pressed his lips together hard

00:59:58After the officiant said the words

01:00:00He slid the ring onto my finger

01:00:02In that exact moment

01:00:03The light shifted

01:00:04The sun was tipping behind the ridge

01:00:06The peak of the mountain caught it

01:00:07A long flash of gold spilled down the rock face

01:00:10Soft and warm

01:00:11The color of an old lamp burning in a quiet shop

01:00:13I felt it on the side of my face

01:00:15And I froze for half a second

01:00:16I had seen that color before

01:00:17A pawn shop, a counter, a man with pale grey eyes

01:00:20Holding a contract

01:00:20I knew the moment I felt the warmth on my cheek

01:00:23What it was

01:00:24It was the sun

01:00:24It was only the sun

01:00:25But I let myself believe

01:00:27Just for that second

01:00:28That someone, somewhere, was watching

01:00:29That a wager that had been placed on me a long time ago

01:00:32Had finally been won

01:00:33That a man behind a counter

01:00:34Had stopped polishing an empty jar

01:00:36And looked up

01:00:37I looked at Jace

01:00:38I smiled

01:00:38And I looked down at the ring on my finger

01:00:40I let it be a goodbye

01:00:41When I looked up again

01:00:42The light had moved on

01:00:43It was just a sunset

01:00:44Just a meadow

01:00:45Just my husband

01:00:46He was watching my face

01:00:47You okay?

01:00:49Yes, me

01:00:50He kissed me

01:00:51Behind us, the guests stood up and clapped

01:00:54And somebody whooped

01:00:55And Jace's mother was crying to Jace's father's shoulder

01:00:57And the whole meadow was full of clapping and laughing

01:01:00And somebody yelled

01:01:00Kiss her again!

01:01:02He kissed me again

01:01:03I held his face with both hands

01:01:04And I kissed him back

01:01:05The mountain stood behind us, old and steady

01:01:07And the sun finished going down

01:01:11Ten years passed

01:01:12And it went the way good years go

01:01:13Which is fast

01:01:14The foundation grew into something we hadn't dared imagine

01:01:16When we started it

01:01:17International respected

01:01:18Quietly the standard in our field

01:01:20For how rescues were taught and run

01:01:21We trained kids who would have died in mountains once

01:01:24And who now came back down and trained the next ones

01:01:26Jace's parents climbed for another seven years

01:01:28Before they retired

01:01:29They didn't retire so much as they slowed down

01:01:33They wrote a book about it

01:01:34The book was good

01:01:35People read it

01:01:36They are now the kind of figures

01:01:37Whose names you say in a certain tone

01:01:39We had a daughter

01:01:40We took three months naming her

01:01:41We made lists

01:01:42We argued

01:01:42We wrote names on the fridge

01:01:44And crossed them out

01:01:45The night before her birth

01:01:45I still didn't know

01:01:46She came out small and loud and furious

01:01:48Jace held her in the hospital

01:01:49And looked at me over her head

01:01:51Hope

01:01:52Yeah?

01:01:53Yes

01:01:53That was how she got her name

01:01:55She is nine now

01:01:56She has Jace's mouth and my eyes

01:01:58And a temper neither of us can account for

01:02:00It's a Sunday

01:02:01Late afternoon

01:02:02The light coming in through the big living room window

01:02:04Is the color it always is at this time of year

01:02:06I'm in the window seat with a book

01:02:07Not reading it

01:02:08Just holding it

01:02:09Hope is on the rug

01:02:10She's drawing something with markers

01:02:11She's been drawing the same thing for an hour

01:02:13The kettle clicks off in the kitchen

01:02:15Jace comes around the corner with two mugs

01:02:17He sets one down on the little table beside me

01:02:19And he sees something on my face

01:02:21What are you thinking about?

01:02:22I look at him

01:02:22I think about everything

01:02:24About a stairwell when I was 12

01:02:25About a hallway when I was 13

01:02:27About a hospital room when I was 22

01:02:29About a counter in a warm amber light

01:02:31About a boy who traded everything he had for me

01:02:33To learn one small impossible thing

01:02:34Nothing

01:02:35Just that

01:02:36It's a good thing to be alive

01:02:37He bends down

01:02:38He kisses me on the forehead

01:02:39He goes and sits on the rug

01:02:41Next to our daughter

01:02:41What it's drawing

01:02:42It's a mountain

01:02:43I lift the mug

01:02:45I take a sip

01:02:45The light through the window is gold and warm

01:02:47And the afternoon goes on

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