- 43 minutes ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:09Eyebrows is always doing your eyebrows is like parallel parking you're like everyone stop talking
00:00:16turn the music down it was like a gay icon but like consistently dresses poorly Barbara fucking
00:00:27Streisand oh I'm gonna get dragged she is so tacky I don't know what you're talking her outfits are
00:00:36insane you know she makes her own outfit sometimes I have absolutely yeah Barbara Streisand is a
00:00:44millionaire I have to make them I'm driving Barbara Streisand ugly dress and it's gonna
00:00:48my phone's gonna explode it's gonna say narrow it down Jesus what are we looking at
00:00:57what is this she's 77 is she going to a Ren fair what is going on Cher is older than
00:01:05she is what
00:01:06oh the choker the I remember this this fucking choker it made me want to choke her
00:01:17if you ask someone how was your stand up how's my stand up special and they say you look nice
00:01:21that's a read they are reading you right to your face you know what I mean I want them to
00:01:28say that
00:01:28but like maybe last but oh my god it was so funny I couldn't stop laughing at this and I
00:01:33really related
00:01:33to this and you look nice you ever seen there with the Franklin talking about Taylor Swift they asked
00:01:39with the Franklin what she thinks about all these divas they go Adele she was I love Adele she's
00:01:43amazing what do you think of this person I love her and they go what do you tell Swift she
00:01:46goes
00:01:46beautiful gowns gorgeous gowns hi mom I'm getting ready so I don't have a lot of time to talk your
00:01:55very
00:01:56voice is being recorded this very second do a voice oh I love that you think that sounds different than
00:02:06your normal voice you know I'm doing my special today okay well all right now you blessed don't
00:02:16use a lot of cussing words oh I'm motherfucking cussing that shit is so fucking crazy y'all remember
00:02:22the last time we were down at that motherfucking place don't do that how many costume changes did
00:02:32Aretha Franklin have her funeral enough she had three three costume changes after fantasy I'm gonna
00:02:39do a real fucking cussing I'm gonna get cremated right in the middle of the funeral come back in
00:02:42the last act as ashes all right we're ready let's beat it here we go yet another dig I'm a
00:02:49yet another
00:02:50gig I'm going down my lace front yet another way color to coins getting yet another big paycheck
00:02:56who's next tell me who's on deck you sipping on the head rate yet another swig frying up some
00:03:01thinking bitch yet another pig I'm a redwood and you're yet another twig all stars too was
00:03:07yet another rig yeah another dig yeah another dig at me elegance I'll see you when you trip off me
00:03:13high down big shy run that library shh you're too shallow to dig on me
00:03:18get another dig yeah another shock you're a dick riding hole riding yet another cock see you on twitter bitch
00:03:34yet another block catch me on the runways
00:03:36this is a
00:03:376
00:03:37f
00:03:37fee
00:03:47tina
00:03:49c
00:03:49me
00:03:49b
00:03:50Yeah, I never did, yeah, I never think I've made
00:03:53Eleganza, she's a little girl
00:03:55Oh my God!
00:04:17This is crazy!
00:04:19Honestly, listen, listen, I have to say, I agree, I'm pretty fucking amazing, I'm gonna look
00:04:30at me soak it in, I know what you're thinking, Bob, you look comfortable, yes, I'm very, I
00:04:41am extremely comfortable right now, some of y'all look at me like I think you gained a
00:04:47little weight since Drag Race, and you know what, you're right, yes, bitch, I have, I have
00:04:53gained just like a little, folks, I feel like y'all aren't used to how big I am in real
00:04:57life,
00:04:57I am huge, I am not built to size, you see, nowadays, everyone watches TV, you're watching
00:05:02like your cell phone, so I'm like this big, then in real life, I'm like, pfft, and see,
00:05:09after you do your first year of Drag Race, you gave the freshman 15, I gave the freshman
00:05:1345, I have reached a level called gay fat, which I'm really proud of, to any straight
00:05:21people here, if you don't know what gay fat is, that's kind of like what you would call
00:05:24dad bod, exactly, but honestly, I, like, I consider, I've been thinking myself like, maybe I'll lose
00:05:29some weight, I think I might lose some weight, and I'm like, you know what, I'm good, good, I don't
00:05:39give a fuck,
00:05:40listen, they say nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels, and I'm like, you've never had a thin
00:05:46crust pepperoni pizza, extra sauce, at 3am, cause I have, bitch, I don't care, I will eat until it hurts,
00:05:54and I fucking love that shit, okay, look, I'm like, breaching, I'm like, getting close to the land
00:05:59of I don't give a fuck, but I do, I'm not quite there yet, like, if I was truly rich,
00:06:04I really
00:06:04wouldn't give a fuck, but I definitely, like, I feel like as a man, I'm allowed that, I'm allowed to,
00:06:10like,
00:06:10make a lot of money, and not give a fuck about how I look, I think the way it works
00:06:15is this, like, so,
00:06:16like, society has made a standard where if you are a woman, and you're poor, you have to be,
00:06:21like, skinny, and if you're, like, a woman, and you're rich, you have to be skinny, but with a fat
00:06:26ass,
00:06:27you know what I mean? But guys can look like damn near anything, which is why, I think that's the
00:06:34reason why Beyonce is essentially the standard of feminine beauty, and DJ Khaled looks like he sweats
00:06:40in the wintertime.
00:06:42That's why.
00:06:49Wait, is DJ Khaled here?
00:06:51I don't want to...
00:06:53You would hear it, DJ Khaled!
00:07:00No, but I haven't, I haven't reached full on I don't give a fuck, because I'm not rich.
00:07:04I'm like, I'm doing fine, and I care, I care, like, enough.
00:07:09I care, like, just enough.
00:07:11I always care so much that I'm gonna always start eating healthy tomorrow.
00:07:15Like, you know that plan?
00:07:16Like, I literally care just enough, and I know some of you are like,
00:07:19Bob, you rich bitch, you got money, because I won $100,000 on TV four fucking years ago.
00:07:27That was four years ago, bitch.
00:07:29I live in Manhattan, okay?
00:07:32Yes, if I still lived in Alabama, that'd be amazing.
00:07:35What's that, like, three houses and a trust fund for four generations to come?
00:07:39Yes.
00:07:43But I have moved out of Alabama, I live in Manhattan, that is like three vodka sodas.
00:07:49And like a splurge at the Cheesecake Factory with my friends, you know what I mean?
00:07:54I live in New York City, which means I think I'm better than you, and...
00:08:02And I'm gay, which means I am better than you.
00:08:06It's true.
00:08:10And it's even a word, I live in Manhattan.
00:08:13I live in Manhattan, which, like, Manhattan, these are the worst people.
00:08:16No one's worse than Manhattan people, and I'm admitting, I am a Manhattan person.
00:08:20Actually, the worst, you ever ask somebody from Hell's Kitchen where they live?
00:08:24They're so obnoxious.
00:08:25They give you full-on GPS coordinates.
00:08:28Like, what do you live in, like, 57s and 6s?
00:08:31Hmm.
00:08:34Impressed you should be.
00:08:37If you live in Manhattan above 110, you're like, I'm on the island, bitch.
00:08:41Mind me about my business.
00:08:43Don't.
00:08:47Don't get my business, bitch.
00:08:50And there's the rest of New York City, Astoria.
00:08:52Astoria, which is, like, when you don't have money, but you don't want to live near black people.
00:08:57Love the story.
00:08:59A little too close to home for someone from Astoria here.
00:09:04I bet that W train's gonna feel cold going home tonight, bitch.
00:09:14With my neighbors, who are usually, like, outside, like, having parties.
00:09:19Are you from New York?
00:09:19Because you're nodding a lot.
00:09:23Because, like, it is a party.
00:09:25Like, there are, like, full chairs.
00:09:27We also got a Washington Heights water park one time.
00:09:30You ever had a Washington Heights water park outside your home?
00:09:32They knocked the fire hydrant open, and it is not shooting out a little bit of water.
00:09:35I mean, thousands of y'all.
00:09:38It's intentional.
00:09:39Oh, yeah.
00:09:39It's intentional.
00:09:40It's, like, one dude with, like, a wrench or whatever, and it's a fucking full-on Washington Heights water park
00:09:47for, like, a day.
00:09:49And the cops come, and they leave, and then they do it again, and then they, like, it's insane.
00:09:56This is the best city in the world.
00:09:59I honestly feel that New York City is the best fucking city in the world.
00:10:04We say it.
00:10:07We're always assuring everyone that New York is the best city in the world on a postcard.
00:10:13However, on paper, there is no way to fucking, like, I don't understand why we are so obsessed with this
00:10:19city.
00:10:20Living here is, like, some trial-by-fire shit, you know what I mean?
00:10:22And I have lived here for 11 years.
00:10:2511 years.
00:10:26The New Yorkers, oh, Tia, thank you.
00:10:28Like, no one gets applauded for living in, like, you know, Mississippi for 11 years.
00:10:32Like, you made it?
00:10:36And not only that, but, like, I also feel like whenever people move, like, I'm from the South originally.
00:10:39I'm from Atlanta, Georgia.
00:10:42So you like black dick, work.
00:10:44Um, I know how Atlanta works, honey.
00:10:48I want to say, if you move from the South, if you're gay and you move to New York City
00:10:52from the South,
00:10:52you're not trans, like, you're a fucking refugee.
00:10:56I feel like Harriet Tubman ushering you over the state line.
00:11:01Freedom is this way.
00:11:04Don't let these straights see you causing lies.
00:11:12I just don't get why New Yorkers love to brag so much about how long they've lived here.
00:11:18Listen, they'll go, I lived here before 9-11.
00:11:20I was here before Rudy Giuliani.
00:11:22I was here before the Revolutionary War.
00:11:25They're always trying to, like, one-up each other.
00:11:28And I also love the mistakes that, like, brand new New Yorkers make.
00:11:31Ooh, that's...
00:11:34I love when someone first moves to New York City, but you don't quite get...
00:11:37Okay, here's an example.
00:11:39So I was, um, I was riding the train the other day for the purpose of this story.
00:11:48Bitch, I'm into Ubers now.
00:11:49I'm not...
00:11:53Like, my car's here.
00:11:55The best thing about riding your abs is actually not, like, riding one yourself,
00:11:59but, like, you're hooking up with someone.
00:12:00They're, like, laying in your bed afterwards.
00:12:02Keep talking, and you just go, I called you a car.
00:12:08I was looking at this guy who had just moved.
00:12:11He had just moved here.
00:12:12And, um, I could tell he was brand new
00:12:14because he hadn't learned to walk, like, with his head down yet.
00:12:18That's the thing.
00:12:18People think, you see, you know what I mean?
00:12:20People think New Yorkers are walking with our heads down
00:12:22because we have low self-esteem.
00:12:24No, bitch.
00:12:24We're walking that way because we're afraid to step in dog shit.
00:12:27It's everywhere.
00:12:29And if you haven't lived in New York City long enough, you know that's not always dog shit.
00:12:44So, it's July.
00:12:46It's July, and he's, like, sitting there.
00:12:47He's, like, you know when you move here and you're first, like, I can't do it.
00:12:50I have to move back home.
00:12:51He had that face on.
00:12:52I was, like, he's not going to make it.
00:12:53He's not going to fucking make it.
00:12:54You know when it's hot, it's fucking sticky.
00:12:57You're downstairs.
00:12:58Like, upstairs, you're, like, it's so hot, I can't bear it.
00:13:01And then you go into a fucking pizza oven called the subway system.
00:13:05You get down there.
00:13:06He's, like, I can't do this.
00:13:07You're at Times Square, like, at the edge of the fucking platform.
00:13:10The spokes are behind you pushing you forward and shit.
00:13:13And then the first car pulls up in front of him, and it is completely packed.
00:13:17He's, like, fuck.
00:13:18I hate this.
00:13:20The next car pulls up completely packed.
00:13:22He's, like, this is bullshit.
00:13:23And then the car pulls up right in front of him, and it is completely empty.
00:13:29See?
00:13:30You know better, bitch.
00:13:32You know better.
00:13:34He was, like, God loves me.
00:13:37This is a sign for me.
00:13:42This is one of those moments in life where you think to yourself, I'm pretty sure I know
00:13:47what piss smells like.
00:13:49And then you move to New York City.
00:13:53Like, I feel like I saw him, like, literally take one step off the platform.
00:13:57The door's closed.
00:13:58He goes.
00:14:03And he was never seen again.
00:14:08And also, New Yorkers love to perpetuate crazy shit.
00:14:11I love the myths.
00:14:13Let me tell you right now.
00:14:13Y'all don't know what the scariest thing is for a New Yorker.
00:14:16You think it's, like, gang violence and guns.
00:14:19And no.
00:14:20The scariest thing, New Yorkers are more afraid of bed bugs than anything else.
00:14:24New Yorkers are, like, bitch.
00:14:26There are entire restaurants we don't even go to anymore because we heard a rumor that they
00:14:29had a bed bug there.
00:14:30And New Yorkers believe the craziest thing.
00:14:33We believe anything.
00:14:34Like, some white guy from Ohio who just moved to New York City who lives in Bed-Stuy will
00:14:38walk down the street and see a pack of five 200-pound black men walking at them.
00:14:42He's like, it's my neighborhood, too.
00:14:44Move.
00:14:45Like, he's not scared of that shit.
00:14:46But let him see a mattress wrapped in plastic on the side of the street.
00:14:51Bitch, he will cross the street and leave the neighborhood within the week.
00:14:57He's like, you know, I just don't walk down 53rd Street anymore.
00:15:04And people believe the craziest myths about them.
00:15:06I heard bed bugs can jump 50 feet into the sky.
00:15:11They can live 40 days and 40 nights without water.
00:15:16Bed bugs can disguise themselves as beds.
00:15:19It's not a bed.
00:15:20It's not a bed.
00:15:21It's a bed bug.
00:15:22It's a bed bug.
00:15:27This city is fucked up.
00:15:29New York is, like, the richest city in the world where no one knows a rich person.
00:15:34Like, no one has a rich...
00:15:36Everyone has a friend who has a rich friend.
00:15:39Like, everyone is on the struggle bus in New York City.
00:15:42Let me tell you right now.
00:15:43Folks out here in the world sucking dick because they love it.
00:15:45I'm doing it to have something warm in my belly, okay?
00:15:48Okay?
00:15:54I'm like, Grubhub don't always deliver, bitch.
00:16:02I love when folks are always lying about sperm.
00:16:04You know, there's protein in it.
00:16:05I'm like, bitch, you don't need to lie to me.
00:16:09I'm like, I was going to drink it straight from the tap no matter what, bitch.
00:16:18Oh, my God.
00:16:21And don't, please do not get me started on fucking New York City dating standards.
00:16:25The dating standards here are the lowest.
00:16:27Have you ever fucked a guy more than once just because he had a washer and dryer?
00:16:32Because I have.
00:16:33Yes, bitch.
00:16:35I'm like, I'm sucking your dick all the way through the spin cycle, motherfucker.
00:16:39And I'll swallow if you throw in some dryer sheets, bitch.
00:16:43It's cheaper than going to the fucking laundromat.
00:16:46You remember when they did that whole series of documentaries about old white ladies?
00:16:49They did Elaine Stritch, Carol Channing, and Joan Rivers.
00:16:53And I watched all of them.
00:16:54Joan was the best one.
00:16:57I also love Carol Channing because I was just obsessed with Carol Channing.
00:17:01But, yeah, that fucking piece of work is what it was called, right?
00:17:06Joan Rivers, a piece of work.
00:17:07I was really intrigued by the fact that she was so open about, like, being afraid of not having work.
00:17:14She was like, look, I'm not working.
00:17:15This is scary.
00:17:16Look at this.
00:17:18Look at my calendar.
00:17:19That was so crazy.
00:17:21She was like, I'm not working.
00:17:22And to admit that is, like, big.
00:17:25I don't want to, I'm trying not to tell too many dirty jokes.
00:17:27My mom is going to be watching this.
00:17:30Like, my mom, literally, she watches literally every single thing I do.
00:17:34I was talking around the way here and she was like, please don't curse.
00:17:37Don't curse too much.
00:17:39I was like, what do you mean?
00:17:40She was like, don't say stuff like, listen, motherfucker, shit, this is some goddamn bullshit, nigga.
00:17:47I was like, what?
00:17:50She watches everything I do.
00:17:52She is literally my number one fan.
00:17:54I know, I know.
00:17:56Her, actually, true story, my mom's Instagram handle is at Bob the Drag Mom.
00:18:00I'm not making that up.
00:18:06Literally, at Bob the Drag Mom.
00:18:08I'm like, all right.
00:18:11And my mom had the ultimate mom name.
00:18:13Her name is Martha.
00:18:15I feel like when you're Martha, you're born with arthritis and, like, an amazing, like, recipe for sweet potato pie.
00:18:22Like, I can't imagine a young person named Martha.
00:18:25And also, I don't know, just, like, growing up with my mom was hard for me because my mom was
00:18:28always fucking playing games.
00:18:29Like, I haven't, my friends are like, Bob, you're so manipulative.
00:18:31I'm like, I had to be on my toes.
00:18:33Shit was rubbing my house growing up.
00:18:35Like, for example, I wore glasses since I was four years old, all right?
00:18:38Since I was four, I have worn glasses.
00:18:40And I'm very forgetful.
00:18:41I always forget stuff.
00:18:42My mom would be like, Christopher, that's my slave name.
00:18:45She'd go, and I won't.
00:18:47I'm only saying that to make white people uncomfortable.
00:18:50She'd go, no other reason.
00:18:54She'd go, Christopher, wear your glasses.
00:18:57And I'm like, mm-mm.
00:18:58You know when you're about to be, you know when you don't, mm-mm.
00:19:01She'd be like, wear your glasses.
00:19:02Oh, they're, they're in my room.
00:19:04Definitely in my room.
00:19:06And when's the last time you wore them?
00:19:08Mm-hmm.
00:19:12Were you trying to make up a lie?
00:19:13What was that?
00:19:15Bitch, when was the last time you wore your glasses, Christopher?
00:19:18I'm like, I was wearing them today at school.
00:19:20And she'd be like, that's funny because I've had them for three days.
00:19:23I'm like, why are we playing games?
00:19:25Why are we playing games?
00:19:28I'm like, be real with me.
00:19:29Be real with me.
00:19:31And shit like that made me nervous.
00:19:33My mom, like, made me, like, my mom wasn't, she didn't hit us.
00:19:36My mom was into, like, psychological warfare.
00:19:38You know what I mean?
00:19:39Like, she was finding ways.
00:19:40My mom, she made me nervous about everything.
00:19:42My mom made me nervous to be around white people.
00:19:44I'm not lying.
00:19:45I was, like, nervous when I see white people.
00:19:47I'm like, oh, God.
00:19:50Just sneak up on you.
00:19:53I always felt like I had to be super dignified around white people.
00:19:56Whenever I blew up my boyfriend, I'm like,
00:20:10when I was, like, I did, like, community theater.
00:20:14When I was younger, shout out to all the community theater doers who were out here.
00:20:16Yeah.
00:20:18Also known as homosexuals.
00:20:21My mom would, like, drop me off for theater rehearsals, or she called it play practice.
00:20:26And she'd always, like, I'd get out of the car and walk away.
00:20:29And then she'd always say the following thing.
00:20:31She'd go, she'd roll down the window, and she'd be like,
00:20:35Chris, don't embarrass yourself in front of these.
00:20:41Now, I realize that some of you don't know what I just said.
00:20:46Because I'm about to break the code for your ass right now.
00:20:49Now, this is a black secret I shouldn't even be telling you.
00:20:55We actually discussed this at the last meeting.
00:20:58We have one every other, every third Thursday of the month.
00:21:02I could be in trouble for telling you this.
00:21:04Next time you see me, I might not be black.
00:21:05I might be Puerto Rican next time you see me.
00:21:09But you got to leave.
00:21:13When, this actually means white people.
00:21:17I know, this is, see, because this side of my hand is black, and this, well, I'm pretty dark.
00:21:21This is like, this is like an Obama family.
00:21:27But on light-skinned black folks like this, she is like, you know, proud family black.
00:21:32You know what I mean?
00:21:37I'm like 12 years of slave black.
00:21:42That's a little secret code we always have.
00:21:44Folks be like, how was the party?
00:21:45It was great, but it was a lot of, but we can use the same way first.
00:21:52Girl, the party, oh, the girl, the party is first, but be careful, because it is.
00:21:59So she would just say that, she would roll down the window like a fucking chauffeur in a movie and
00:22:04be like,
00:22:05Don't embarrass yourself in front of these.
00:22:10And then just drive off.
00:22:11And I'm standing like, what does that mean?
00:22:14What the fuck does that mean?
00:22:16Don't embarrass myself.
00:22:17And she's like, you'll know when the time is right.
00:22:20And just drives off the door.
00:22:24I'm a little nervous around white folks.
00:22:26There are some people who are, like, disastrously white.
00:22:29Like, you know what I mean.
00:22:31Like, you know what I mean.
00:22:34Like, you're so white, you should apologize to me.
00:22:43Oh my God.
00:22:45And I was not a cute kid.
00:22:47That was rough on me.
00:22:48I was not a cute kid.
00:22:49And I know I wasn't a cute kid, because my mom kept constantly reminding me how cute of a kid
00:22:54I was.
00:22:55Oh, you're cute.
00:22:56You are so adorable.
00:22:57Let me say something right now.
00:22:58To any young moms out here, if your kid is not that cute, you can say you're a cute kid,
00:23:02but leave out the part, like, don't worry about the other kids saying.
00:23:05You know what I mean?
00:23:09Like, I look like Samuel L. Jackson as a child.
00:23:12You know what I mean?
00:23:14I was such an ugly kid.
00:23:16Even Kevin Spacey wouldn't babysit me, okay?
00:23:22I was ugly.
00:23:23I was such an ugly child.
00:23:25I was in a documentary called Ask to Leave Neverland, okay?
00:23:30Listen.
00:23:32I was such an ugly child that R. Kelly's in a documentary called Surviving Bob the Drexler.
00:23:42We can't all be true.
00:23:46I wasn't cute.
00:23:47I was afraid of everything.
00:23:48I was scared of everything.
00:23:50I was, my mom, listen.
00:23:52I was afraid of Jehovah's Witnesses.
00:23:55I was, did you hear what I said?
00:23:57My mom made me afraid of Jehovah's Witnesses.
00:24:01Okay, I want you to picture this, all right?
00:24:03Here it is.
00:24:04Sunday morning, me and my family, we're not in church.
00:24:06We're heathens, okay?
00:24:08Sunday morning, if I'm seeing you're a ding-dong, you're a ding-dong at the door,
00:24:11but you're like, oh my God, what is it?
00:24:12I go to answer.
00:24:13My mom takes a peek.
00:24:14She's like, no one move!
00:24:16I'm like, what?
00:24:17I said, everybody get down!
00:24:18Bro, I'm like, what the fuck is going on?
00:24:21I go to look.
00:24:22She goes, don't look!
00:24:22Don't look!
00:24:23I was like, what the fuck is out there?
00:24:25She's like, Jehovah's Witnesses.
00:24:28This is Martha Caldwell, who's not afraid of anything.
00:24:32My mother will fight a grizzly bear with her bare hands.
00:24:35But if a Jehovah's Witness comes to the door, bitch, no one fucking moves.
00:24:38I never, I never, I still don't know what a Jehovah's Witness looks like.
00:24:42Years later, me and my friends are watching Alien as a teenager,
00:24:45and I'm like, is that a Jehovah's Witness?
00:24:48Is that what a Jehovah's Witness is?
00:24:52Growing up, my house felt like Bird Box.
00:24:54Don't look at it!
00:25:00I was also afraid of Chuck E. Cheese.
00:25:03Terrified of Chuck E. Cheese, which my mom always referred to as Chunky Cheese.
00:25:08Shout out to moms mispronouncing everything.
00:25:11Chuck E. Cheese is like a terrifying concept.
00:25:14Like, I don't know who was out there coming up with the ideas of what they think.
00:25:18Let me say, this is how you know they knew that Chuck E. Cheese was terrifying.
00:25:22Because they kept his creepy ass all the way in the fucking back.
00:25:25You remember him?
00:25:25There was that horrifying band.
00:25:27Some Italian dude playing drums.
00:25:31Beats from X-Men on keyboard.
00:25:37And then some, like, big rat with demon eyes on lead vocals.
00:25:41I'm not here for them.
00:25:42Like, who comes up with this shit?
00:25:44All right, listen.
00:25:45Just to amplify this story, I'm going to tell you a little anecdote.
00:25:48I do not need judgment.
00:25:50This is a safe space, safe space, safe space.
00:25:52We all have a past.
00:25:54Here we go.
00:25:55When I was young, in college, I used to work for a very famous Christian chicken restaurant.
00:26:01I don't need your judgment.
00:26:09For the purpose of this story, and for legal reasons, we'll just call it Jesus Chicken.
00:26:14All right?
00:26:17It was a different time.
00:26:18You remember 2004, when you can eat at any restaurant, go to any gym,
00:26:23and laugh at a Louis C.K. joke without feeling like you're in the KKK?
00:26:29No more.
00:26:31So I'm sitting there, and when there's a kid's party,
00:26:35and the tallest person has to go in the back and get dressed like a cow.
00:26:38And you come out, and you entertain the children.
00:26:41This is some shit adult sought out.
00:26:42No children were consulted on this.
00:26:45Now, I'm on my lunch break, so it's not my turn.
00:26:47I'm like, work.
00:26:48I'm just sitting there, my gay ass, sitting there.
00:26:49I had long dreadlocks at the time.
00:26:51Imagine it.
00:26:52Picture it.
00:26:52Columbus, Georgia, 2004.
00:26:56So I'm sitting there, like, you know, eating my little chicken sandwich.
00:26:59And then, so Trip, there's a high school kid named Trip, who now has to be the cow.
00:27:05So he goes in the back.
00:27:07Now, I need you to really visualize this, all right?
00:27:09So you come out of the back.
00:27:10There's double doors, and he's huge.
00:27:12He's like six foot four.
00:27:13So he comes out, and he does like this.
00:27:15Right above his head, right here is the menu.
00:27:18The menu that goes above everyone's head.
00:27:19It's huge, like this big.
00:27:20Trip comes out.
00:27:22He hits the menu.
00:27:23The menu falls down, and the kid's like, ah!
00:27:28And that was like a mad cow.
00:27:30It's destroying Chick-fil-A.
00:27:31He's this type of cow suit.
00:27:33And he's like moving like this.
00:27:35He's knocked over the lemonade.
00:27:37Knocked over the sweet tea.
00:27:39But he's wearing the helmet.
00:27:40His voice is muffle, so it sounds like,
00:27:44Rrrrrr!
00:27:45Rrrrrr!
00:27:48Everyone's like, trip!
00:27:49Trip!
00:27:49And the black kid's like, that's why I'm fucking tripping!
00:27:53Run!
00:27:57I'm just sitting there eating my chicken sandwich.
00:27:58Like, in 15 years, I'm sure this will be hilarious to me.
00:28:08I mentioned I'm not rich.
00:28:10I do have enough money now to get things for my family.
00:28:13That's honestly the biggest blessing from being on Rapalse Drag Race,
00:28:16being able to like provide for my family.
00:28:18I'll never forget this.
00:28:19Years ago, years ago, I was walking down the street in like full drag,
00:28:23coming home from a gig.
00:28:26And then this like kid walked by me on the street.
00:28:28I don't know how old he was.
00:28:29He was like, he looked really young.
00:28:31No picture, I was really, really young.
00:28:32Could have just been some punk-ass twink.
00:28:34I don't know.
00:28:36And he was like, oh my God, be a man.
00:28:38And I looked back and I was like,
00:28:39you live at home with your mom.
00:28:41Fuck you.
00:28:45Like, I'll have, you know,
00:28:46I'm walking directly to my fifth floor walk-up,
00:28:50one-bedroom, technically two-bedroom apartment.
00:28:54I was able to give my mom a car,
00:28:56which was amazing.
00:28:58Can you believe that?
00:29:02I bought my mom an iPad,
00:29:04which because technology is hard for old people,
00:29:06she immediately gave it away to my cousin.
00:29:10But here's the kicker.
00:29:11So she gave it to my cousin,
00:29:13and then like my cousin's mom calls me like freaking out.
00:29:17She's like freaking like, oh my God,
00:29:18oh my God, I don't know what to do.
00:29:19I was like, what, what, what?
00:29:20She was like, he's looking at porn on the iPad.
00:29:23What do I do?
00:29:23And I was like, leave him the fuck alone.
00:29:27Leave him alone.
00:29:28Let him watch his porn.
00:29:30Do not give me a complex about his childhood.
00:29:33Please let this young man,
00:29:34if you find out your kid is masturbating or watching porn,
00:29:37leave them the fuck alone.
00:29:40If anything, I was fucking, and thank you.
00:29:43If anything, I was jealous.
00:29:45I was really envious,
00:29:46because you know how easy it is to watch porn in 2019?
00:29:51He will never know the rush of watching porn
00:29:56on the family computer in the living room.
00:30:00Bitch, it is 2 a.m.
00:30:06You're in the living room
00:30:10trying to watch porn on the family computer on dial-up.
00:30:13Dial-up?
00:30:17The image is loading like this,
00:30:21which is great if you're looking for tits,
00:30:22but if you're waiting for dick,
00:30:23this is a fucking Fortnite, bitch.
00:30:33Like, I just remember, like,
00:30:34masturbating was a fucking fiasco as a kid.
00:30:38You turn into a full-on Mission Impossible secret agent.
00:30:49I was a fucking computer hacker.
00:30:52I knew how to wipe a computer clean
00:30:53bank-to-bank presenting.
00:30:56Deleting cookies.
00:31:02Like, my young cousin will never know
00:31:05the pain of having to, like,
00:31:07sneak your uncle's gay porn VHSs.
00:31:10Like, take a photographic memory
00:31:12of where it is in the closet,
00:31:13because you don't have a cell phone
00:31:15to take a picture of it.
00:31:16You put it in,
00:31:17take notice of the timestamp,
00:31:19watch it with heightened senses.
00:31:23When you're watching porn,
00:31:24you essentially have spidey senses.
00:31:26It's ridiculous.
00:31:27You're watching the porn,
00:31:28like, oh my God, don't get caught.
00:31:29Rewind it back to the exact same spot,
00:31:31put it back in the same...
00:31:32It was always a full-on fiasco.
00:31:34Like, that's why I feel like,
00:31:35when you have, like,
00:31:36your spidey senses lifted,
00:31:38and you're like,
00:31:38you can hear better,
00:31:39you can smell from a block away,
00:31:42you're like, oh my God,
00:31:43the mailman is three houses away.
00:31:44Your mom's like, how do you know?
00:31:45Don't worry about it.
00:31:48Every time you masturbate,
00:31:49it's like Avengers Endgame.
00:31:53And you have to masturbate
00:31:54with whatever you can get your hands on.
00:31:56You guys didn't realize,
00:31:56I had to masturbate to the movie,
00:31:58The Wood,
00:32:00starring Taye Diggs.
00:32:02Oh, you don't know.
00:32:03You don't know.
00:32:04I'm about to enlighten you,
00:32:05because this is your
00:32:06motherfucking lucky day, bitch.
00:32:08Listen,
00:32:08if you are watching The Wood,
00:32:10and you pause it
00:32:11in exactly 58 minutes
00:32:13and 37 seconds,
00:32:15you will see a glimmer of dick.
00:32:21I have rewilded me
00:32:23so many times.
00:32:24It just wore out
00:32:25of them one spot.
00:32:26I was like, Lord,
00:32:29these kids don't know
00:32:29the struggles.
00:32:31Then I remember seeing
00:32:32Wanda Sykes
00:32:33at the White House
00:32:35Correspondents' Dinner,
00:32:36and she said,
00:32:38I still remember what she said,
00:32:38she goes,
00:32:39Rush Limbaugh talking about,
00:32:40I hope this administration fails.
00:32:42I hope his kidneys fail.
00:32:44I just remember her saying that,
00:32:45and getting a big tickle
00:32:47out of that.
00:32:48She's doing politics
00:32:49and making it really funny.
00:32:51At the time,
00:32:52right before that,
00:32:53everyone had
00:32:54George Bush jokes,
00:32:56but they were really
00:32:57more so commenting
00:32:58on the fact that
00:33:00George Bush
00:33:00was inarticulate
00:33:01and a bit of a doofus,
00:33:05whereas
00:33:07I felt like
00:33:08Wanda Sykes
00:33:08was talking about
00:33:10policies
00:33:11and transgressions.
00:33:13You have transgressed
00:33:14the black community,
00:33:15and I'm going to
00:33:16make comedy about it
00:33:17at the White House
00:33:18Correspondents' Dinner.
00:33:19You know,
00:33:22I would just never forget
00:33:23that day.
00:33:28For the most part,
00:33:29I am now
00:33:30completely comfortable
00:33:31with,
00:33:33you know,
00:33:33my life
00:33:34and white people.
00:33:36I'm like 98%
00:33:38comfortable
00:33:38with white people.
00:33:39You're like,
00:33:39what do you mean?
00:33:40What do you mean?
00:33:40Okay,
00:33:40I was getting on the elevator
00:33:41the other day,
00:33:42and the doors opened,
00:33:44and there was,
00:33:44like,
00:33:44I'm just standing
00:33:45downstairs,
00:33:46floor one,
00:33:47elevator doors open,
00:33:48and there was
00:33:48a single,
00:33:49like,
00:33:50six-year-old
00:33:51white girl
00:33:51by herself
00:33:52on the elevator.
00:33:53I'm like,
00:33:59I'm like,
00:34:00what in the
00:34:00John Quinonez
00:34:02is going on here?
00:34:03No, no, honey.
00:34:07I just shut it back in.
00:34:10I'm taking the stairs
00:34:11today, bitch.
00:34:12I skipped leg
00:34:14day to day
00:34:14anyway, bitch.
00:34:16I'm like,
00:34:17you're not about
00:34:17to make a harambe
00:34:18out of me, honey.
00:34:23Still trying
00:34:23to understand
00:34:24white people.
00:34:26Like,
00:34:26white people,
00:34:27why do you guys
00:34:27love 23andMe
00:34:28so much?
00:34:29You guys are
00:34:29obsessed with,
00:34:31I took a 23andMe.
00:34:32Like,
00:34:32you guys are so
00:34:33obsessed with,
00:34:33like,
00:34:34sharing your
00:34:34specific white
00:34:35cocktail that
00:34:36makes you up.
00:34:37I am 12% Irish,
00:34:393% British,
00:34:40and a 4% Italian.
00:34:41Like,
00:34:41okay,
00:34:41you're walking
00:34:42skin cancer.
00:34:42Congratulations
00:34:43to you.
00:34:46good for you.
00:34:48And when they
00:34:50get,
00:34:50like,
00:34:50I am,
00:34:51I am sweating
00:34:52right now.
00:34:54Take a break
00:34:55from sweating
00:34:56like a hooker
00:34:57at church
00:34:57or like.
00:35:03And white folks
00:35:04will hold on
00:35:05to any shred
00:35:06of, like,
00:35:07anything multicultural.
00:35:09I'm actually
00:35:091.5%
00:35:10Sub-Saharan African.
00:35:12I'm like,
00:35:12calm down.
00:35:14You just told me
00:35:15your great,
00:35:16great,
00:35:16great,
00:35:16great,
00:35:16great grandfather
00:35:17was a rapist.
00:35:18Don't brag
00:35:19about it.
00:35:20I was like,
00:35:21did it too soon?
00:35:21I said,
00:35:22great,
00:35:22great,
00:35:23great.
00:35:23It was like,
00:35:23150 years ago.
00:35:24Calm down.
00:35:26I actually took
00:35:2723andMe.
00:35:28I did.
00:35:29My results just said,
00:35:31straight up,
00:35:31nigga.
00:35:32I was like,
00:35:32alright.
00:35:33Seems pointed.
00:35:34Seems pointed.
00:35:38My results were written
00:35:39on blunt paper.
00:35:40I was like,
00:35:41who does this shit?
00:35:43The fuck?
00:35:48I feel like we're
00:35:49going through puberty
00:35:49as a nation.
00:35:50Like,
00:35:51the whole nation
00:35:51is, like,
00:35:52going through puberty
00:35:53right now
00:35:53and the power dynamic
00:35:54is shifting
00:35:55and I feel like
00:35:56that power shift
00:35:56actually makes
00:35:57the people in power
00:35:58feel a little bit
00:35:59inferior.
00:36:00They get scared.
00:36:01You know what I mean?
00:36:01I think, like,
00:36:02seeing women in power
00:36:03really scares men.
00:36:04It just terrifies me.
00:36:05I don't know how to deal
00:36:06with it.
00:36:06I'm not used to it.
00:36:07I mean,
00:36:07think back to, like,
00:36:08the way that they've
00:36:09always treated women
00:36:10in power
00:36:10throughout all of history.
00:36:12Even little shit.
00:36:13Like,
00:36:13think about, like,
00:36:14when they thought
00:36:14they were powerful
00:36:15witches in Salem.
00:36:16Like,
00:36:16I was like,
00:36:16are you guys even
00:36:17thinking this through?
00:36:18Did you ever read
00:36:18about the Salem witch trials?
00:36:19The ridiculous shit
00:36:20they would do?
00:36:21They were like,
00:36:21I have an idea.
00:36:22We'll tie her up
00:36:23in rope
00:36:24and push her off
00:36:25a bridge.
00:36:26If she flies,
00:36:27she's a witch!
00:36:28She's a witch!
00:36:30I'm like,
00:36:30did you all think
00:36:31this through at all?
00:36:33Honestly.
00:36:33Like,
00:36:34how does this work out
00:36:35for you?
00:36:36Best case scenario
00:36:37for you
00:36:38you killed
00:36:39an innocent woman.
00:36:40Worst case scenario,
00:36:42you have pissed off
00:36:42a powerful witch.
00:36:46If she flies,
00:36:47what the fuck
00:36:48are you gonna do?
00:36:52It's like,
00:36:52no one's flown yet.
00:36:53We haven't thought
00:36:54this through.
00:36:56The power dynamic
00:36:57is shifting.
00:36:58I love,
00:36:59love being queer.
00:37:01I'm not lying to you.
00:37:03I fucking love it.
00:37:04I love it.
00:37:05It took me a,
00:37:06honestly,
00:37:07it took me a very long time
00:37:09to see this,
00:37:09but being queer
00:37:10is the best thing
00:37:11that ever fucking
00:37:11happened to me.
00:37:12It really is.
00:37:13Nothing better
00:37:13has ever happened
00:37:14to me than being queer.
00:37:16And like,
00:37:16straight people
00:37:16are like,
00:37:17afraid of us
00:37:18for like,
00:37:19the first time ever.
00:37:20They're like,
00:37:21walking around
00:37:21scared as shit
00:37:22and we're just like
00:37:23soaking up the power
00:37:24like,
00:37:32I guess the upside down
00:37:33I'm more like
00:37:34looking for a little
00:37:34I love this shit.
00:37:38In fact,
00:37:38like,
00:37:39if I wasn't gay,
00:37:39I probably wouldn't
00:37:40be a drag queen.
00:37:41So I'm like,
00:37:41where would I even be?
00:37:42And not only that,
00:37:43but being a drag queen,
00:37:43to be a drag queen,
00:37:44you have to be
00:37:46delusional.
00:37:47Like,
00:37:48I see,
00:37:48when I see Lupita Nyong'o,
00:37:50I'm like,
00:37:50I mean,
00:37:50you're all right,
00:37:51but you ain't me, honey.
00:37:59By the way,
00:38:00that is not
00:38:00close to being true.
00:38:02But you have,
00:38:03like,
00:38:03for me,
00:38:03honestly,
00:38:03I feel like drag
00:38:04is like,
00:38:04the great equalizer.
00:38:06Drag queen,
00:38:06drag can allow,
00:38:07like,
00:38:07a brilliant queer man
00:38:09to walk around
00:38:10with the confidence
00:38:11of a completely
00:38:12mediocre,
00:38:13straight white man,
00:38:13okay?
00:38:15Being white
00:38:15is a fucking superpower,
00:38:16okay?
00:38:18But that's why
00:38:18I feel like
00:38:19it's one Supreme Falls,
00:38:20the next one rises,
00:38:21we're getting more power,
00:38:22and people know,
00:38:23do not even look sideways
00:38:24at a queer.
00:38:25Bitch,
00:38:25if you even say something
00:38:27that is mildly inconvenienced
00:38:29to gay people,
00:38:30100 male ballet dancers
00:38:32will show up
00:38:32at your fucking job
00:38:33and pot-a-boo-ray
00:38:35until you come outside
00:38:36and apologize.
00:38:38It's true.
00:38:40But like,
00:38:40don't offend me.
00:38:42Do not offend me.
00:38:43Oh,
00:38:44you made fun
00:38:44of my dog's wedding?
00:38:45Pot-a-boo-ray,
00:38:46pot-a-boo-ray.
00:38:49You're wearing white
00:38:50after Labor Day?
00:38:51Pot-a-boo-ray,
00:38:52pot-a-boo-ray.
00:38:55I douche,
00:38:55and you canceled?
00:38:56Lara Spencer,
00:38:57Lara Spencer,
00:38:58land.
00:39:00You're devastated.
00:39:04Hey, bitch,
00:39:05we are out here
00:39:05looking for
00:39:06gay reparations, bitch.
00:39:07I'm like,
00:39:07I want 40-o curls
00:39:09and a slingback mule,
00:39:10okay, bitch?
00:39:21If there's a controversy
00:39:22with a comedian,
00:39:23I probably,
00:39:24I'm aware of it.
00:39:25Everyone from
00:39:26Aziz Ansari
00:39:26to Louis C.K.,
00:39:29you know?
00:39:31I think that
00:39:33the comedy world
00:39:34is a microcosm
00:39:35of what's going on
00:39:36in the real world.
00:39:40I mean,
00:39:41I also feel like
00:39:42we do live
00:39:43in a culture nowadays
00:39:44where there is
00:39:46nothing you can do
00:39:47to atone
00:39:48for your behavior
00:39:51that will satisfy
00:39:52the general public.
00:39:54You know what I mean?
00:39:55You really,
00:39:55I think more so,
00:39:56you have to atone
00:39:57with yourself.
00:39:59Really weird,
00:40:00like,
00:40:00back in the day,
00:40:01Oprah would have, like,
00:40:03KKK members
00:40:03on her show,
00:40:04and then, like,
00:40:0510 years later,
00:40:05she'd bring them back
00:40:06and they'd be like,
00:40:07I'm reformed,
00:40:08and everyone would be like,
00:40:10congratulations.
00:40:11But nowadays,
00:40:14there is no,
00:40:16I'm reformed.
00:40:18And nowadays,
00:40:18it's more like,
00:40:20you're dead forever.
00:40:22Which I don't know
00:40:23that I necessarily agree with,
00:40:24because I know that
00:40:25I've had my opinion
00:40:26changed on a lot of stuff.
00:40:27You know,
00:40:28when I moved to New York City,
00:40:29I had no concept
00:40:31about gender
00:40:31outside of what
00:40:32I was taught growing up.
00:40:33I got to meet
00:40:35some really amazing people
00:40:36who taught me
00:40:37a lot of stuff
00:40:37about myself,
00:40:39about my community,
00:40:41about my neighbors,
00:40:42about my coworkers.
00:40:45And in listening to them
00:40:47and learning about that stuff,
00:40:49my mind has literally changed.
00:40:50Like,
00:40:51I don't think the same way
00:40:52I thought before.
00:40:54so I know for a fact
00:40:56on a personal level
00:40:57that I can change.
00:41:01So I do think
00:41:02people can change.
00:41:04I fucking love
00:41:06Gay Pride Month.
00:41:07I still love it.
00:41:08I'm not one of those
00:41:08who's like,
00:41:08it's too commercial.
00:41:09Fuck you.
00:41:10I love this shit.
00:41:10I fucking love
00:41:11Gay Pride Month.
00:41:13I've done,
00:41:13and listen,
00:41:13I've done every Gay Pride
00:41:14from Salem, Alabama
00:41:15to Anchorage, Alaska.
00:41:17Okay?
00:41:18Truly,
00:41:18that is a fact.
00:41:19I've done them all.
00:41:19And whenever on stage,
00:41:20like dancing,
00:41:22outdoors,
00:41:22in day drag,
00:41:25in the sun,
00:41:26I'm always like,
00:41:27couldn't the cops
00:41:28have raided a gay bar
00:41:29on a cool autumn day?
00:41:35Shit is ridiculous.
00:41:43This year,
00:41:44we are commemorating
00:41:45the 50th anniversary
00:41:46since the song
00:41:47for 50 years.
00:41:54Have you thought about that?
00:41:56Have you thought about that?
00:41:57When I say
00:41:57thought about that,
00:41:58I mean,
00:41:58have you thought about
00:41:59how lucky we are
00:42:00that it was
00:42:01the Stonewall Riots?
00:42:03Stonewall,
00:42:04it could have been
00:42:04any of the gay bars.
00:42:05Do you know
00:42:06the names of gay bars?
00:42:07You know how embarrassing
00:42:09it would have been
00:42:09to be the 50th anniversary
00:42:11since the manhole reckoning?
00:42:15If it was three blocks away,
00:42:17that's what would have happened.
00:42:1950 years
00:42:20since the lipstick lounge massacre.
00:42:2450 years
00:42:26since the back door blowout.
00:42:27Listen,
00:42:28these are the actual names
00:42:30of gay bars.
00:42:31I did not make
00:42:32any of them up.
00:42:34I'm like,
00:42:34we got fucking lucky, girl.
00:42:38Gay couples are getting married
00:42:40and having kids.
00:42:42I don't know.
00:42:46Woo yourself, bitch.
00:42:49First of all,
00:42:50gays are selfish.
00:42:51Anyone who has
00:42:52a destination wedding,
00:42:53you are selfish.
00:42:54And I tell my friends,
00:42:55bitch,
00:42:55if you're not getting married
00:42:56off of one train,
00:42:57I'm not coming, okay?
00:43:00I'm not transferring
00:43:02to see you switch vows, bitch.
00:43:08I do kind of want to have
00:43:09like a really elaborate wedding
00:43:10just so I can walk past
00:43:11a straight couple
00:43:12and be like,
00:43:12that's how you do it, bitch.
00:43:16What's that, honey?
00:43:23I do feel like
00:43:24as the queer community,
00:43:25we all have to like,
00:43:26we don't get to cross
00:43:27the finish line
00:43:27until everyone
00:43:28in the queer community
00:43:29crosses at the exact same time.
00:43:31Honestly,
00:43:32that's why I say,
00:43:32like, we all have
00:43:33some privilege.
00:43:34Use your privilege
00:43:35to help people
00:43:35who are less privileged
00:43:36than you.
00:43:36You know what I mean?
00:43:37I'm serious.
00:43:39So like, listen,
00:43:41white gay men,
00:43:44if your friends of color
00:43:45tell you shit is weird,
00:43:46believe them
00:43:47and help them,
00:43:48all right?
00:43:49Men,
00:43:49if women tell you shit is weird,
00:43:51believe them
00:43:51and help them.
00:43:52Since people,
00:43:53if trans people
00:43:54tell you shit is weird,
00:43:55believe them
00:43:56and fucking help them.
00:43:57You know what I mean?
00:44:03But we are
00:44:05a long way from that
00:44:06because nothing
00:44:07is more important
00:44:08to gay men
00:44:10than getting dick.
00:44:11You don't understand.
00:44:13You don't understand.
00:44:16Like, listen,
00:44:17and we fucking love it.
00:44:19We love hookup apps
00:44:20and we will turn anything
00:44:22into a hookup app.
00:44:23You don't get this, bitch.
00:44:23Instagram is a hookup app now,
00:44:25okay?
00:44:26You didn't know this, bitch.
00:44:27We have truly turned
00:44:28Instagram into a hookup app.
00:44:29In fact,
00:44:30my favorite thing now,
00:44:32my new favorite thing
00:44:33is like fucking
00:44:34in hotel rooms.
00:44:35I'm obsessed with it.
00:44:36I love it.
00:44:38Bitch, you can do shit
00:44:38in a hotel room
00:44:39you would never do at home.
00:44:41Bitch, I fucking hotel rooms.
00:44:43Like, I am never coming back
00:44:44to this state ever again.
00:44:47I will ride a hotel room
00:44:49like it's like a fucking
00:44:50rental car.
00:44:50No respect.
00:44:53I'm like,
00:44:53I feel bad.
00:44:54Everybody stay here.
00:44:55I fucking leave, girl.
00:44:57And we want that
00:44:58for each other.
00:44:58Gay guys want that
00:44:59for each other.
00:45:00We want you to get
00:45:00as much dick as you can.
00:45:01That's a victory for us.
00:45:02Like, yes, girl, work.
00:45:03Yes, yes.
00:45:04In fact, guys are constantly
00:45:06rooting for each other
00:45:07to get dick too.
00:45:08Like, gay guys,
00:45:09let them turn on that.
00:45:09If you're out
00:45:09with your girlfriends,
00:45:11if you cannot leave
00:45:12without saying goodbye
00:45:13five times, texting,
00:45:14text me when you get home.
00:45:16Text me when you get home.
00:45:18Bitch, gay guys don't go.
00:45:19If it's for dick,
00:45:20you can leave
00:45:21in the middle
00:45:21of a fucking sentence.
00:45:23Gay guys don't even fuck.
00:45:25Like, yeah, girl,
00:45:25let's love this friend
00:45:26that has the
00:45:42And we're all back like,
00:45:46nothing is more important
00:45:47to gay men than getting dick.
00:45:48Every vacation
00:45:50is planned around dick.
00:45:51Every single vacation
00:45:53gay guys do
00:45:54is centered around dick.
00:45:55Lesbians don't vacation
00:45:57like that.
00:45:57You ever go on vacation
00:45:58with a lesbian
00:45:59and be like,
00:45:59alright, 7 o'clock,
00:46:01in the lobby,
00:46:017.15,
00:46:02get in the car,
00:46:037.35,
00:46:04light banter in the car,
00:46:068 o'clock,
00:46:07we are,
00:46:07I'm like,
00:46:07this is ridiculous.
00:46:11Gay guys like,
00:46:12wake up at 3,
00:46:13go to T-dance,
00:46:14Papa Molly,
00:46:15I don't fucking know this.
00:46:19And have you ever
00:46:20been on a gay cruise
00:46:21ever in your life?
00:46:23Or as I call it,
00:46:24fuckfest at sea,
00:46:25okay?
00:46:26Or if it's talking
00:46:27from New York City,
00:46:28hep C at sea.
00:46:33Like, okay,
00:46:34like,
00:46:34what is on the menu,
00:46:36or what's on the buffet
00:46:37and on a straight cruise?
00:46:39I've never been on one.
00:46:39Pizza, burgers,
00:46:41pasta,
00:46:41ice cream,
00:46:42ice cream,
00:46:43bitch ice cream?
00:46:44Let me do it right now.
00:46:45Were you on a gay cruise
00:46:46and nothing
00:46:46on the fucking buffet
00:46:47but muscle milk
00:46:48and molly.
00:46:48That's the only two things
00:46:49on the fucking,
00:46:50nothing else is there.
00:46:52Bottoms do not eat
00:46:54before having sex
00:46:54at all.
00:46:56We starve ourselves,
00:46:57bitch.
00:46:58If I'm about to bottom,
00:46:58I'm fasting like it's Ramadan
00:47:00up in this bitch,
00:47:01okay?
00:47:04Everyone knows
00:47:05this is a rule.
00:47:06You do not eat
00:47:08when you're gonna bottom
00:47:10until after you're 30.
00:47:11Let me tell you right now.
00:47:13After 30,
00:47:14you're like,
00:47:14that was cute
00:47:15when I was young,
00:47:15but bitch,
00:47:17if you're digging around
00:47:18back there,
00:47:18you got trickers to light
00:47:19and you know what I'm showing you.
00:47:27And you're twinning,
00:47:28you're like,
00:47:28oh no,
00:47:28I'm panicking.
00:47:29And you're 30,
00:47:30you're like,
00:47:31it's Tuesday,
00:47:31so are we doing a good
00:47:34at Game of Thrones
00:47:35or not?
00:47:35Because I got shit to do.
00:47:43I didn't even
00:47:44take him home
00:47:45with that.
00:47:45Sorry.
00:47:46Does anyone here
00:47:47identify as a straight male?
00:47:49Anyone identify as a straight male?
00:47:51There's no pressure.
00:47:52Oh, that's...
00:47:58I love that.
00:47:59I love how sheepish and doofy straight guys look.
00:48:01Me.
00:48:04Me.
00:48:05I firmly believe
00:48:07in my mind of minds
00:48:09that gay people
00:48:10are smarter than straight people.
00:48:11Don't at me.
00:48:13It's my opinion!
00:48:16I also feel like
00:48:17women are smarter than men
00:48:19and this essentially makes
00:48:20lesbians the smartest people
00:48:22on the planet.
00:48:29there's a real bond
00:48:31between straight girls
00:48:32and gay guys.
00:48:33I don't know what...
00:48:33It's a combination
00:48:34of love,
00:48:35protection,
00:48:36resentment,
00:48:37you know what I mean?
00:48:42It's true,
00:48:42like,
00:48:43we've always been there
00:48:43for each other.
00:48:44You took me to prom,
00:48:45thanks.
00:48:47I told you bangs
00:48:49aren't for everyone.
00:48:52I see some of you here
00:48:53need to hear that message again.
00:48:56No one specific!
00:49:01But we have, like,
00:49:02a really great deal
00:49:03worked out with us.
00:49:04For example,
00:49:04what's your name?
00:49:05Uh,
00:49:06Stratie.
00:49:06I'm just kidding.
00:49:09I don't know why I said that.
00:49:12What's your name?
00:49:13Mike.
00:49:15Mike!
00:49:16Mike,
00:49:16where you from?
00:49:17Brooklyn.
00:49:18Brooklyn.
00:49:19Nice.
00:49:19Like,
00:49:19where you guys?
00:49:24I'm gonna tell you a secret,
00:49:25Mike.
00:49:25This is something
00:49:26I probably shouldn't tell you.
00:49:27This is breaking the gay code,
00:49:28but it's true
00:49:29and I don't mind
00:49:29if you know this, okay?
00:49:31We have a special bond
00:49:32between gay guys
00:49:33and straight women.
00:49:34Um,
00:49:35if you have a girlfriend
00:49:36or a wife
00:49:37who loves gay guys,
00:49:39has a lot of gay friends,
00:49:40I promise you, Mike,
00:49:42I promise you,
00:49:44I have seen
00:49:46a picture of your dick!
00:49:48I promise you,
00:49:49oh,
00:49:49oh!
00:49:50This,
00:49:52Mike,
00:49:52I can describe your dick
00:49:54in great detail.
00:49:56Oh,
00:49:57I know it.
00:49:58I am divinely intimate
00:50:00with your nether regions,
00:50:01Mike.
00:50:02Because gay men,
00:50:03we are pigs.
00:50:04We are disgusting.
00:50:06It does not change
00:50:07just because we're gay.
00:50:09Men are disgusting.
00:50:10Gay men trade dick pics
00:50:12like Pokemon cards.
00:50:19Like,
00:50:20you send Mike,
00:50:20I'll send you Craig.
00:50:22Gotta fuck them all!
00:50:31Like, we are,
00:50:33we're insane.
00:50:34It is,
00:50:34it is,
00:50:35gay men are ridiculous.
00:50:36Like,
00:50:37you ever have looked
00:50:37at a picture
00:50:37on a gay guy's phone.
00:50:39If, like,
00:50:39if anyone else
00:50:40handed you their phone
00:50:41like,
00:50:41here's my phone,
00:50:42look at it.
00:50:42Go through it.
00:50:45Not gay guys.
00:50:46We're like,
00:50:47this is the picture
00:50:48on the phone.
00:50:48I'll hold it.
00:50:56Don't swipe left.
00:50:58Don't swipe right.
00:51:01Look at the picture
00:51:02on the motherfucking phone.
00:51:08I don't give a fuck.
00:51:09I don't have no shame.
00:51:11In fact,
00:51:12I will tell you
00:51:12of a time in my life
00:51:14when I completely
00:51:15lost my entire
00:51:17sense of shame.
00:51:18And this is a true story
00:51:20and it was recent.
00:51:22This is so,
00:51:22this is honestly embarrassing.
00:51:24Alright,
00:51:25I was in my hometown.
00:51:26I was in Atlanta, Georgia
00:51:27doing one of these.
00:51:28You know they have
00:51:28these big drag queen tours,
00:51:29Work the World,
00:51:30all these shows,
00:51:31these big mega tours
00:51:32full of drag queens.
00:51:33I was on one.
00:51:34It was a roast.
00:51:35We were all roasting each other.
00:51:36So, you know,
00:51:37if you don't know much
00:51:38about a roast,
00:51:38the way a roast works is
00:51:39everyone sits on stage
00:51:41the entire time.
00:51:42We're all sitting on stage.
00:51:42You don't leave the stage.
00:51:44Excuse me.
00:51:46I had a date earlier
00:51:47trying to come back up.
00:51:48I'm sorry.
00:51:52I'm in birthing babies too.
00:51:59The way it works,
00:52:00everyone up there,
00:52:01you're getting a roast.
00:52:01It's actually really fun.
00:52:02It's a really fun time,
00:52:03but you're on stage
00:52:03for like an hour and a half.
00:52:04Anyone who knows me
00:52:05knows that I notoriously
00:52:07have a very small platter.
00:52:09You know where the story's going.
00:52:10Don't get ahead of me.
00:52:10All right?
00:52:11So, they announced the show
00:52:12at the top.
00:52:13I'm like, fuck,
00:52:13I have to pee.
00:52:14I have to pee.
00:52:15This is bullshit
00:52:16at the top of the show.
00:52:17Now, listen,
00:52:18I am hilarious.
00:52:19I don't mind saying that.
00:52:20So, of course,
00:52:21I am closing the show.
00:52:22I have been sitting on stage
00:52:23for two hours
00:52:25desperately needing a pee.
00:52:26All right?
00:52:27And then,
00:52:27it's time for the closing.
00:52:29The host,
00:52:30Ginger fucking Minj.
00:52:32And I'll tell you why
00:52:33I call her Ginger fucking Minj
00:52:34in a second.
00:52:35She's like,
00:52:36all right,
00:52:36give it up for Bob the Drag Queen.
00:52:37You know when you're sitting down
00:52:39and you need to pee,
00:52:40like sitting down
00:52:40for some reason
00:52:40slightly relieves it
00:52:41and you stand up
00:52:42and be like,
00:52:43oh shit.
00:52:43Oh shit.
00:52:45I was like,
00:52:45I got this.
00:52:46I'm a professional.
00:52:47I've been doing theater
00:52:48and stand-up
00:52:48for a combined
00:52:49over 20 years.
00:52:51I got this shit.
00:52:52I go,
00:52:52hey, everybody.
00:52:53How you all?
00:52:53Ooh.
00:52:55And I was like,
00:52:56you know what?
00:52:56So I tried to do
00:52:57like a little bit
00:52:57of a set sitting down.
00:52:58You don't want to do
00:52:59stand-up sitting down
00:53:00in each other.
00:53:00I'm like,
00:53:00this is ridiculous.
00:53:01All right.
00:53:01Okay,
00:53:02it's not going to work.
00:53:02All right.
00:53:02So I get back up
00:53:03and then I have
00:53:04this brilliant idea
00:53:05to let out just a little.
00:53:08Hey,
00:53:09well,
00:53:09where were you
00:53:10when I needed you?
00:53:14Now you tell me.
00:53:19I'm like,
00:53:20I'm going to let out
00:53:20just a little,
00:53:22like the smallest amount.
00:53:24Then I get trapped
00:53:25in my tights,
00:53:26in my pads.
00:53:27I'll go to my hotel room.
00:53:28I'll wash it out
00:53:29and no one will know.
00:53:31I'll be the hero
00:53:32of my own story.
00:53:37So I do it.
00:53:38I let out just a
00:53:41and then bitch,
00:53:42a river runs through.
00:53:43Okay,
00:53:44I'm like,
00:53:44but here's the thing.
00:53:46I am wearing a gown.
00:53:47My gown goes all the way
00:53:48to the floor.
00:53:48It touches the floor
00:53:49like it's supposed to.
00:53:50My gown hits the floor
00:53:51and I'm standing there
00:53:53as I'm like peeing myself
00:53:54and all of a sudden
00:53:55my set is brilliant.
00:53:56I feel the weight
00:53:57of the world
00:53:58lifted off my bladder.
00:54:00I'm hilarious.
00:54:01I am nailing it
00:54:02and good night.
00:54:04I say good night.
00:54:05I look down.
00:54:05You can't see anything
00:54:06because of my dress.
00:54:08I didn't tell you this.
00:54:09The most expensive dress
00:54:11I owned at the time.
00:54:13Literally the most expensive dress
00:54:15I owned at the time.
00:54:16I'm like,
00:54:16fuck my life.
00:54:17All right.
00:54:18Standing there
00:54:19has encapsulated.
00:54:20I made a little reservoir
00:54:22right in my gown.
00:54:25And Ginger Manish goes,
00:54:26give it up for Bob the drag queen.
00:54:27And I was like,
00:54:28work.
00:54:29I can't move.
00:54:29I cannot leave
00:54:30because I'll be exposed.
00:54:32I'll be exposed.
00:54:32Oh no.
00:54:33And I used to went to bed
00:54:34as a kid
00:54:35so this is very traumatic for me.
00:54:38Yeah, 23 was really rough year.
00:54:41So I'm standing
00:54:42in my little reservoir
00:54:43and I turn around
00:54:45and I look at
00:54:47Alaska Thunderfuck,
00:54:48legendary drag race queen
00:54:49and I'm like,
00:54:49girl, I peed.
00:54:51And she's like,
00:54:52yeah, girl, you peed, honey.
00:54:54I was like, no.
00:54:55I was like, Alaska.
00:54:59I peed.
00:55:00Because the stage was raked
00:55:02meaning it went up
00:55:03so it's trickling down
00:55:04like I peed
00:55:04and she was like,
00:55:06oh my.
00:55:08God.
00:55:10And I look at Latrice.
00:55:11I go, Latrice,
00:55:11she goes, bitch.
00:55:12And we're all saying
00:55:13goodbye to Chris.
00:55:13I see it.
00:55:14I am gagging.
00:55:15I am gagging.
00:55:19Bitch, I'm shook.
00:55:20Oh my God.
00:55:22And Ginger's like,
00:55:23Bob, have a seat.
00:55:24Why don't you sit down?
00:55:24I'm like,
00:55:25shut the fuck up,
00:55:26you fat bitch.
00:55:30I am standing there.
00:55:31I don't know
00:55:32if you have ever
00:55:32pissed yourself
00:55:34wearing a $5,000 gown
00:55:37in front of your colleagues,
00:55:39college friends,
00:55:40and your fucking peers.
00:55:41But let me tell you,
00:55:42I have
00:55:42and it's fucking mortifying.
00:55:44I'm standing up to him
00:55:44like, this is horrible.
00:55:45This is horrible.
00:55:46I'm in Atlanta.
00:55:47I'm in my hometown.
00:55:48Everyone's clapping
00:55:49in front of me.
00:55:49They don't know.
00:55:50Everyone behind me
00:55:50is gagging.
00:55:51They're like,
00:55:51what the fuck's going on?
00:55:52And I look out
00:55:53and I see my mom
00:55:54in the audience.
00:55:55And she looks at me
00:55:56and she goes,
00:55:56do not embarrass yourself.
00:55:59I'm in Atlanta.
00:56:07I was like,
00:56:08it makes sense now.
00:56:09It makes sense.
00:56:12All right.
00:56:14All right.
00:56:15Thank you all so much
00:56:16for coming out.
00:56:17You've been a truly amazing audience.
00:56:19You've been a lot of love.
00:56:20This is my fucking free
00:56:21for your coming room.
00:56:50I'm doing Invisalign.
00:56:52Invisalign first.
00:56:54All you're doing is
00:56:58shifting your bone structure.
00:57:00You're literally
00:57:01shifting your bones.
00:57:02It hurts.
00:57:03You're taking your bones
00:57:04and slowly bending them.
00:57:06Monet has Invisalign.
00:57:07Which is great
00:57:08because you have straight teeth.
00:57:09I wanted to get Invisalign
00:57:10to fix these two little...
00:57:12It's like a small disperse.
00:57:14I love you.
00:57:15I love you so much.
00:57:17Laugh like a black bitch.
00:57:18Oh, girl,
00:57:18I'm with me obnoxious.
00:57:20Like an ignorant black bitch.
00:57:21Can we talk about you
00:57:22taking over the world?
00:57:24I mean,
00:57:25I'm glad you got your muscle.
00:57:26Muscle milk.
00:57:26I'm just kidding.
00:57:27She's got...
00:57:28At least you're athletic.
00:57:29What's what you drink?
00:57:31A little crossfit from a show.
00:57:33Are you?
00:57:34You're going to do some burpees?
00:57:35Did you do crossfit?
00:57:35I did.
00:57:36Then I got on the show
00:57:36and I started caring about my body
00:57:38and anything I put into it.
00:57:40I love that the show
00:57:41is The Great Equalizer.
00:57:42Not like me and Cameron
00:57:43are getting closer
00:57:43to the same body.
00:57:49I love that idea
00:57:50of me and Cameron
00:57:51just meeting in the middle
00:57:51and being like,
00:57:52I don't know where we are
00:57:52all these days.
00:57:54Thank you so much for coming.
00:57:55I really appreciate it.
00:57:56Thanks for having me.
00:57:56Of course.
00:57:58Laugh louder than you think it's...
00:58:01I'm back to the end of it.
00:58:03Just in case it isn't funny,
00:58:04I still want to be out of that check.
00:58:05I want to be out of that check.
00:58:07I love you.
00:58:08I love you.
00:58:19I love you.
00:58:48I love you.
00:59:25I love you.
00:59:48I love you.
01:00:24I love you.
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