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Short filmTranscript
00:15I always do this when I get nervous I put too much makeup on and then I look crazy.
00:24I was going to do the show but now I think I might just walk center stage and hang myself.
00:34Me rifling through a disgusting bag trying to find a half-eaten Zyrtec so that when I start crying I
00:42know it's from emotions and not pollen.
00:48Yes, I'm an autodidact which I thought meant that your blood didn't clot and I found out yesterday it means
00:53you're self-taught.
01:13When selecting gemstones I always choose something that goes with my skin tone and I'm both the winter and the
01:19summer.
01:23Oh great, they have it locked.
01:32Weirdness follows me wherever I go Weirdness seems to know me even better than I seem to know myself I'm
01:42someone else.
01:42Yell out the last word of every joke.
01:44Okay.
01:45Because that makes it more funny.
01:46I'm covered in scabs.
01:49If you're nervous you can't show them any fear.
01:52They can't know that you're afraid.
01:54Why do you think I wear this much makeup Margaret?
01:56I'm covered in scabs.
01:58Try to keep your asshole really tight like shut really tight like if you had a tail you would put
02:02it over the top of it.
02:04Oh I have a tail.
02:05Soldier, take your time.
02:08Please welcome to the stage the complex multi-talents of the inimitable, the incomparable, skinny legend herself Miss Trixie Patel!
02:16No one said the words I'll have to rhyme and if they do it's fine and even if they don't.
02:23No one needs to know.
02:25Oh soldier you gotta let things go.
02:29No one needs to know.
02:31Oh!
02:42Oh!
02:47Oh!
02:51Oh!
02:52Ah!
02:55Oh!
02:57Oh!
02:58Oh!
03:07Thank you all tonight for coming to the Ricardo Montez-Bahn Theater.
03:11Now, many of you know my assistant, Ryan.
03:13Clap for Ryan.
03:17Now, we thought of a way to make the ending a big finish.
03:20Are you ready?
03:21Are you ready?
03:23Ryan, hit it.
03:32Okay.
03:35We might need this tomorrow.
03:36Okay.
03:37And that was my show.
03:39Have such a great night.
03:40Bye.
03:44Okay.
03:46I'm so happy to see so many of you.
03:48I love you.
03:49I love you.
03:49I trust you.
03:50Trust ball.
03:51Okay.
03:52That would be a pretty strong way to start the show, though, wouldn't it?
03:59I might do it, bitch.
04:01Like, if you can tell, I'm kind of an insecure performer.
04:03Most people call that a stage dive.
04:05I'm like, it's a trust ball.
04:11By the way, we're taping this.
04:17Like, Trixie, tonight you're taped.
04:18I'm like, Mama, I'm taped every night.
04:22Have you ever used Goo Gone on your piss slit?
04:28I'm really pumped to be here tonight, you guys.
04:30I performed here many a time.
04:31And I got so excited getting ready tonight.
04:33My first special, I felt like one of those deaf people turning on a cochlear implant.
04:36I was like,
04:49Oh, come on.
04:50They're not going to hear about it.
05:00I just want to address the elephant in the room tonight.
05:02I know a lot of you guys came here tonight thinking you were going to be going to a drag
05:05show.
05:05You know, you said to your friends,
05:06Stephanie, Roberta, I don't know.
05:10You said, let's go to a drag show.
05:12It's going to be a man dressed as a woman.
05:15And then instead you guys got here and,
05:17Oh.
05:21That's a woman.
05:23No.
05:24That's a woman.
05:28Like, all the way from the balcony, you guys were like,
05:30Wow, Dakota Fanning.
05:33Wow.
05:39And then from, like, the middle of the back of the floor seats, you guys were like,
05:42Wow.
05:44Hayden Panettiere.
05:48And then up front, you guys up close, you're like,
05:49Janice from the Muppets.
05:51Holy fucking shit.
05:56I've been traveling so much.
05:57I haven't gotten to perform in L.A.
05:58Super recently.
05:59But I was just in Australia.
06:00I never get the picture with, like, the koala.
06:03Because, you know, I've heard the drag queens go there
06:04and they all have the koala or whatever.
06:05And I ask the gay guys there, I'm like,
06:06Is it really worth it?
06:07Is it really cool?
06:08The koalas.
06:08And they go,
06:09Yeah.
06:12But they've all got chlamydia.
06:15And good luck held them when they sleep 16 hours a day.
06:20Listen, if sleeping all day and having chlamydia makes you a koala,
06:32why don't you put this pussy on the endangered species list?
06:38But I perform for all different types of audiences.
06:41This is a drag fan audience,
06:42but my favorite type of audience is bear audiences.
06:44Are bears here tonight?
06:45Woo!
06:49The straight girls are like,
06:50I know what bears are.
06:51I've seen drag race.
07:02Fierce.
07:09No, I just recently did a whole bear event
07:11and it was the theater just like this.
07:13But imagine the biggest, toughest gay guys you've ever seen rolling into the theater.
07:17It was very like mask for sleep mask, you know?
07:22But that was a joke about sleep apnea.
07:27Which is a phenomenon where your body is so big
07:31that your lungs are like,
07:33lights out, big boy.
07:35I mean, imagine being body shamed by your own lungs.
07:46I love sleeping with big chubby guys, though,
07:48because they all have those sleep masks they sleep with at night.
07:50They all kind of remind me of, like,
07:51gay Bane from Batman.
07:56I'm like, babe.
08:01Yes, mama boots the house down for the guys.
08:09So there's a lot of new material tonight.
08:10The big thing is, you guys,
08:11coming out here,
08:12I was just afraid I would bomb.
08:14You know?
08:16But then I thought,
08:17in these short little shoes with this big blonde hair,
08:19if I really did bomb,
08:20you guys would just be like,
08:20wow, Lady Bunny was really off her game.
08:37Don't worry, I got it.
08:40One time I was trying to get this guitar on in drag,
08:42and someone yelled,
08:42someone help her!
08:48Which, you know, as a live performer,
08:49not really what I'm hoping to hear from the audience.
08:53Someone help her!
08:56But honestly, I figured tonight, you guys,
08:58if I really did bomb,
08:59I would just change my drag name to ISIS.
09:05Or are you offended on behalf of ISIS?
09:10How many of you have never seen me before?
09:14And how many of you have seen me before?
09:16Woo!
09:21It's nice.
09:23Normally, I don't have a huge repeat audience.
09:26And some of you are about to find out why.
09:31This show could get quite offensive.
09:34This show could get kind of rude.
09:37You'll think to yourself,
09:39I could be anywhere else,
09:41at the movies,
09:42or eating a food.
09:56Audiences get quite defensive
09:58when the jokes become kind of crude.
10:02You'll turn to your friends,
10:04you'll say,
10:05when does this end?
10:07I hate it.
10:10Who is she?
10:12And
10:14Bill.
10:17But capitalism is just
10:19tapping to the rhythm
10:20of the sound of your pocket full of change.
10:22I mean,
10:23I rhyme tapping with
10:24tapping to the rhythm.
10:25I mean,
10:25that's amazing.
10:28And if that doesn't impress you,
10:30I want to tell you one thing.
10:31I've already got your money.
10:38I've already got your money.
10:41Even all the bees know the price of honey.
10:45And I'm just the comb.
10:47And if you don't like it,
10:48you can go home.
10:57These days,
10:58everyone's so sensitive.
11:00I'm never sure just what to say.
11:03No jokes about blacks
11:05in my one-woman act
11:06about the Mormon,
11:08the Jewish,
11:09or
11:09gay.
11:12I can make a gay joke.
11:13I have a gay friend.
11:19Honestly,
11:19if you are offended,
11:20how many fucks
11:21am I meant to give
11:24when you're already here anyway?
11:27I'll say what I want
11:28to these motherfuckers
11:29in the front.
11:30Hello?
11:32That's a pretty nice seat
11:34over there, sir,
11:34in the floral shirt.
11:36Wow.
11:37Rich.
11:39Those are nice seats.
11:41I would hate to offend you
11:41sitting right up front like this.
11:43But what's it matter?
11:45He's already paid.
11:49And capitalism
11:51is just tapping
11:52to the rhythm
11:53of the sound
11:53of your pocket full of change.
11:57I've already got your money.
11:59What if it was like
12:00really Blink-22?
12:01Already got your money.
12:06My job here
12:07is to be funny
12:08and occasionally say
12:10ahem
12:11oh honey.
12:17I might only say that
12:18once tonight, okay?
12:20And if that's not enough
12:22for you
12:23I've already got
12:25your money.
12:26Sing it.
12:26Trixie Metellus.
12:27Already got your money.
12:29This sounds so good.
12:30I've already got
12:32RuPaul's money.
12:40And if you don't like it
12:42you can go home.
12:51I love that.
12:56Honestly, my job
12:57as a comedian
12:57is to try to relate
12:59to as many of you
12:59as possible
13:00but honestly
13:01because of the last
13:01couple of years
13:02and my meteoric rise
13:03to fame and fortune
13:06it's hard for me
13:06to find common ground
13:07with some of you.
13:08You know?
13:08Like honestly
13:09at this point
13:09the show is just about
13:10me and the front viewers
13:11are rich people.
13:15Them?
13:16Balcony?
13:16Mama, I don't know them.
13:22The fucking
13:24cast of Les Mis up there?
13:25No.
13:31They all have
13:31little crop haircuts
13:32and they're covered in ashes.
13:33Hi.
13:37And if you guys up there
13:38if you can see
13:38the front viewers
13:39are rich people
13:39they all have like fur
13:40they're like
13:46So this song
13:47yeah
13:48this song
13:49this is for you
13:51front rows
13:51of rich people.
13:55Hey rich people
13:57beautiful rich people
14:00don't you hate it
14:01when you double park
14:03your boat?
14:06Whoa.
14:09Hey rich people
14:11just you guys
14:12rich people
14:15don't you hate it
14:16when you spill
14:17the blood
14:17of the poor
14:18on your fur coat?
14:24You got more money
14:25you've got more problems
14:26can't use
14:27a hundred dollar bill
14:29as a condo.
14:49honestly it's just about us.
14:51Hey rich people
14:53just you guys
14:54rich people
14:57don't you hate it
14:58don't you hate it
14:58when your ring
14:59turns your finger green?
15:00I'm just kidding
15:00that doesn't happen
15:01to us.
15:06Rich.
15:12Hey rich people
15:14not you guys
15:15rich people
15:17don't you hate it
15:18when the hooker
15:19turns out
15:20to be 17
15:29It's like
15:30I'm pretty sure
15:31I paid for 16
15:45If you're not laughing
15:47you're looking
15:47a little guilty
15:53Some intergenerational
15:55gay couples
15:55like
15:55we should leave
16:03You got more money
16:04and things go wrong
16:06The only way
16:07to relate
16:07is through a song
16:19Hey rich people
16:21I know you feel me
16:22rich people
16:25Don't you hate it
16:26when it's New Year's Eve
16:27in West Hollywood
16:27and you're with
16:28Betsy Johnson
16:29and Johnny Weir
16:30and Pamela Anderson
16:32and all of a sudden
16:32Pamela goes
16:33we should go to Vegas
16:35and you go
16:35Pamela
16:36we haven't even packed
16:37and she pulls out
16:38her Visa card
16:39and goes
16:39we're packed
16:46and three days later
16:47you wake up
16:48in a taxi
16:48outside of the
16:49Bellagio Hotel
16:50wearing nothing
16:50flip-flops
16:52and that 17-year-old
16:54hooker died
16:55and you have to
17:01change your name
17:04to Trixie Mittal
17:11you got more money
17:13and things get harder
17:14just ask a celebrity
17:16like me
17:17or Jennifer Gardner
17:20whoa
17:24whoa
17:25whoa
17:25rich people
17:28whoa
17:30whoa
17:30whoa
17:43great
17:46some of you guys
17:47I know you
17:47I recognize your face
17:48from the meet and greet
17:48meet and greets
17:52are fun
17:53for you
17:56no for me
17:57it's like that scene
17:57in Precious
17:58where her dad's fucking her
17:59I just sort of
18:00leave my body
18:07did you need me
18:12to sing a song again
18:13or
18:14good
18:18the thing about
18:19meet and greets
18:19you guys is
18:20meet and greets
18:21we're big tall
18:21scary drag queens
18:22so meet and greets
18:23people get up to us
18:23and they get very emotional
18:24very quickly
18:26people get up to me
18:27and they just panic
18:28they're just
18:29Trixie I was abused
18:34and I'm always like
18:35just now
18:40what did he look like
18:43is he still here
18:52Trixie I was diagnosed
18:53with cancer
18:54and you really helped me
18:56I heard chemo helps more
19:01might want to step it up
19:06oh come on
19:07laughter is the best medicine
19:11unless you have cancer
19:21Trixie I want you to know
19:22that I was sexually
19:23molested too
19:23and my molester
19:24used to smoke
19:25parliaments
19:25and to this day
19:26when I smell
19:27cigarette smoke
19:28my pussy
19:28tightens up
19:34and I'm just like
19:37laughter
19:39you want me to sign
19:40in your trucker hat
19:41or
19:51I don't know
19:52if I'm gonna help
19:53you
20:01people say
20:02all kinds of crazy shit
20:03to us at meet and greets
20:04I was at a meet and greet
20:05with Bob the drag queen
20:09yeah we get it
20:10he's not like you
20:11um
20:13did you guys forget
20:14to invite your black
20:15friends tonight
20:15or
20:19although I know
20:19exactly what's happening
20:20it's always some white girl
20:21with her black friend
20:22giving full show choir
20:23black friend
20:25laughter
20:30but I was at a meet and greet
20:31with Bob
20:32and this girl gets up to us
20:33and Bob goes
20:34can you turn the flash on
20:35because I'm very black
20:37that's not the joke ma'am
20:38wow
20:39laughter
20:51okay this section's
20:52on time out
20:55sorry
20:58you guys are the new middle
21:03and Bob goes
21:04can you turn the flash on
21:05because I'm very black
21:06and the girl goes
21:07stop it Bob
21:09you're beautiful
21:10laughter
21:17I was like
21:18first of all
21:19you're racist
21:20laughter
21:22second of all
21:23you were lying to her
21:25laughter
21:27I was doing
21:28Grindr's Christmas party
21:29I know very A-list
21:31and they were like
21:32okay we want Trixie
21:33to wear all red
21:34and we're gonna have
21:34employees sit on her lap
21:36laughter
21:37I was like
21:38I was like
21:38what if I wore all white
21:40and nobody touches me
21:41laughter
21:43and they were like
21:44okay
21:46laughter
21:46Merry Christmas
21:50laughter
21:54and it's not getting easier
21:56as I get older
21:56you guys
21:57I'm getting older
21:58my body's changing
22:00laughter
22:01I'm shifting back
22:02into a bag of leaves
22:03laughter
22:05laughter
22:09by the way
22:10you guys are really good fans
22:11I say some crazy shit
22:12like I'm turning into leaves
22:13and you guys are like
22:14yeah girl
22:14we're all leaves
22:15what the fuck
22:16is she talking about
22:17laughter
22:20and I always wanted to be
22:21one of those people
22:21where I'm getting older
22:22and people go
22:23you are aging well
22:25laughter
22:25instead they go
22:26you are aging
22:28laughter
22:29laughter
22:30well
22:31laughter
22:32like look at me
22:33from season 7 of Drag Race
22:34to all stars
22:35it's like Tom Riddle
22:36Voldemort
22:36laughter
22:41he said Voldemort
22:42yeah
22:44laughter
22:48get this the hell out of here
22:50can you just
22:51I can't walk
22:51can you just grab that
22:52laughter
22:55we all float Georgie
22:58laughter
23:00I'm getting older you guys
23:01and out of drag
23:02I have a very distinct look
23:04you know
23:04some would say
23:06I look like Patrick Stewart
23:07as a gay farmer
23:08laughter
23:10some say I look like
23:11an ASL interpreter
23:12who moonlights
23:13as a Klan member
23:15laughter
23:18laughter
23:21I think I look like
23:22Caillou
23:22with fetal alcohol syndrome
23:25laughter
23:27laughter
23:32but I started losing
23:33my hair very young
23:34so I thought
23:34okay
23:35if I shave my head
23:36I will look the same forever
23:37so I shaved my head
23:38I thought I would look like
23:39Vin Diesel
23:39instead I'm just
23:40Bobby Hill
23:42laughter
23:45and nobody tells you this
23:46anybody have a shaved head
23:47it's a lot of fucking
23:48work isn't it
23:50I just do chemo now
23:51it's just
23:52laughter
23:56laughter
23:57it's just easier
23:59laughter
24:01laughter
24:02already got your
24:06men's health magazine
24:07also says
24:07if you can't smell toast
24:08it means you're gonna have
24:09a stroke within three months
24:10so every day I wake up
24:11I burn the shit out of some bread
24:13and just
24:15we're good
24:20I would like to stay alive
24:22I mean dying
24:22dying affects you the least
24:24dying affects the people
24:25around you
24:26when you die
24:27you don't care
24:27you're peace out
24:28but when you die
24:35it affects the other people
24:36around you
24:37like I remember
24:38my ex-boyfriend's mom
24:40passed away
24:40of lung cancer
24:41and I found out
24:42because the Netflix
24:43I've been stealing
24:44for three years
24:45expired
24:46laughter
24:51thank you
24:52I was like
24:55really Tammy
24:56you couldn't have
24:57held on
24:57until I found out
24:58if they made him
24:58a murderer or not
24:59laughter
25:0129 years old
25:02ladies
25:03my erection
25:04I know I have so many fans
25:08that are teen girls
25:09and I always wonder
25:10how they relate to me
25:11they're like
25:11my fucking erection
25:12too Trixie
25:15laughter
25:18relatable goals
25:19AF mom
25:21laughter
25:23I mean
25:2429 years old
25:26I mean
25:26my erection
25:26my boyfriend
25:27his dick is hard
25:28before
25:29during
25:29and even way
25:30after sex
25:31his dick is still
25:32porn star erect
25:33the entire event
25:35his dick is like
25:36if you're having
25:37a house party
25:37and everybody went home
25:39but there's that
25:40one girl
25:41laughter
25:43she's sitting at the
25:43end of your bed
25:44drinking a PBR
25:45going
25:45I think I'm gonna
25:46get bangs
25:48laughter
25:49she's doing that
25:50drunk white girl thing
25:51where she pulls her
25:51ponytail up to the front
25:52bangs
25:54laughter
25:5829 years old
25:59for me to get my erection
26:00I had when I was like 20
26:01I need like three friends
26:03and four candles
26:04light as a feather
26:05stiff as a board
26:06light as a feather
26:06stiff as a board
26:07light as a feather
26:08stiff as a board
26:12I know
26:14that was a pretty well
26:15crafted joke
26:17laughter
26:18applause
26:23and sexually guys
26:24I am changing gears
26:26I'm like
26:26is there a way
26:27we can do this
26:28where we're both
26:29on our backs
26:30laughter
26:33put our dicks
26:34on a couple
26:35Roombas
26:36and hope they find
26:37each other
26:37somewhere in the room
26:39laughter
26:39and I know that
26:40sexually
26:41I'm only losing
26:42appeal
26:43the other day
26:43my boyfriend woke up
26:44and was like
26:44oh baby
26:45your hole felt so tight
26:46last night
26:47I was like
26:48I gave you a blowjob
26:51laughter
27:06I mean at 29
27:07I'm only swallowing
27:08because if I get up
27:09to spit
27:10my knees pop
27:18I'm like
27:24he's like
27:24babe
27:24are you okay
27:25I'm like
27:25I'm just shuffling
27:26a deck of cards
27:26go back to sleep
27:28laughter
27:34and the thing
27:34about drag
27:35is
27:35it only ages
27:36you faster
27:38I was outside
27:38the theater today
27:39in like full phase
27:40and someone was like
27:40are you just
27:41dressed up for fun
27:42laughter
27:46I was like
27:47that's not a thing
27:48laughter
27:49I do a lot of
27:50family events
27:50and it's always
27:51rich white people
27:52and their kids
27:53Trixie
27:53can we have a picture
27:54with our kids
27:54Eden, Aiden
27:55and Iden
27:56laughter
27:59no
28:00laughter
28:02I was doing
28:02a family event
28:03you guys
28:03and they had
28:03aerial artists
28:04who hang from
28:04the ceiling
28:04you know
28:05on those ropes
28:05that whole
28:06fucking show
28:06I wanted to
28:06wrap that rope
28:07around my neck
28:07it's all for you
28:08Damien
28:17of course
28:18I take a picture
28:18with the kid
28:19I'm like
28:19stay in school
28:20kid
28:22I got my BFA
28:23and look at me
28:24now
28:28someday
28:28Simba
28:31everything the
28:31light touches
28:32will be yours
28:36but I'm kind of
28:37a public figure
28:37you know
28:37I get roped
28:38into the kid
28:38thing
28:39people are like
28:39Trixie
28:40are you pro-life
28:41are you pro-choice
28:42I'm like
28:43listen
28:43I'm gay
28:46we douche
28:50we don't even
28:50carry a bowel
28:52movement to full term
29:04the straight girls
29:05they're like
29:06teaching serious
29:10anybody here
29:10with a kid
29:10tonight
29:12they're like
29:12I'm not answering
29:13now
29:15they're so young
29:16I mean
29:16parents
29:16anybody parents
29:17are you parents
29:17parents
29:18parents
29:18okay
29:19I mean
29:19it is really
29:20incredible
29:21because kids
29:21start out
29:22fucking stupid
29:26you have to
29:26teach them
29:27everything
29:28my friend
29:29volunteers
29:29as Santa
29:30for homeless
29:30kids
29:30in New York
29:31right
29:31it's so sweet
29:32guess what
29:33the number
29:33one thing
29:34is
29:34homeless
29:34kids
29:35ask for
29:35for Christmas
29:36I'll give you
29:37a hint
29:37not a home
29:45an iPhone
29:48it's like
29:48where are you
29:49going to charge
29:49it Billy
29:59think it
30:00through
30:01do it
30:02right
30:14what they don't
30:15tell you about
30:15having kids
30:16I mean
30:16if you're gay
30:16and you want
30:17kids
30:17it takes a lot
30:18of fucking
30:18work
30:19doesn't it
30:20thank you
30:21two snaps
30:21it does
30:24and I snap
30:24instead of clapping
30:25so you know
30:25how lazy I am
30:32having kids
30:33is a lot
30:33of work
30:34you want a baby
30:35you want a
30:35mother's already
30:35better work
30:35bitch
30:39like let's say
30:40you want to do
30:40a surrogate
30:40you have to
30:41plan ahead
30:42save money
30:43kidnap a
30:43teenage girl
30:47or let's say
30:48you want to
30:48adopt
30:49you have to
30:49live in a nice
30:50neighborhood
30:50pass a background
30:52check
30:53kidnap a teenage
30:54girl
30:58and babies
30:59can be super
31:00fucking expensive
31:01if you want
31:01you know
31:02a good one
31:05I was not
31:06going to say
31:07white one
31:07oh my god
31:10you guys are
31:11awful
31:12besides little
31:13brown babies
31:14A
31:14cuter
31:16B
31:17you don't have
31:18to say for
31:18college
31:19win win
31:23because of
31:24unique scholarship
31:25opportunity
31:26you know what
31:26you guys
31:27wow
31:30was anybody
31:30here spanked
31:31as a kid
31:31okay
31:32see
31:33when people
31:34let's look
31:35when people
31:35are spanked
31:36as a kid
31:36they're so
31:36weirdly proud
31:37of it
31:39I was like
31:40who's been
31:41spanked
31:41you're like
31:41yes I was
31:42once a week
31:43whether I
31:43needed it
31:44or not
31:49if I missed
31:50curfew
31:50your grandfather
31:51would snap
31:52me in the eye
31:52with a rubber
31:52band
31:54one year
31:54for Christmas
31:55my mom
31:55got me
31:56an envelope
31:56of anthrax
31:57merry fucking
31:58Christmas
32:02of the people
32:03who've been
32:03spanked
32:04would you
32:04spank your
32:04kids
32:06because sometimes
32:07they're really
32:07asking for it
32:08the kids
32:08are like
32:09oh
32:09thank me
32:10you know
32:19listen I was
32:20a hot kid
32:26total chill
32:36can we talk
32:38about how
32:38Fina's cue
32:38is chill
32:42she's backstage
32:43like chill
32:43okay got it
32:46anyway that was
32:47pretty bad
32:52but anyway
32:52that was it
32:53that's the song
32:53bye
32:55but if you guys
32:56know me
32:56you know I'm
32:57from the deep
32:57deep country
32:58and I grew up
32:59with siblings
32:59I'm not a parent
33:00but I have
33:01siblings that are
33:01so many
33:01anybody have
33:02very young
33:02siblings
33:03okay
33:03when you're
33:04an older sibling
33:05you get to be
33:05parental without
33:06like the whole
33:07thing right
33:08and my sister
33:09you know
33:09we're from
33:09a very small
33:10town
33:10I remember
33:10telling her
33:11like listen
33:11you're a young
33:12woman
33:12if you want
33:13something in
33:13this world
33:13you gotta get
33:14out of this
33:14small town
33:15and go get
33:15it
33:16you know
33:17hopefully she
33:18doesn't want to
33:18wear wigs on TV
33:19because that's
33:19kind of my thing
33:21but um
33:22I wrote this song
33:23specifically for her
33:24and it's called
33:24Little Sister
33:37little boy's supposed
33:39to do what he's
33:39told
33:40little girl's
33:41supposed to polish
33:41her toes
33:42maybe they're
33:43together when
33:43they're older
33:44and all grown
33:44out
33:47daddy's supposed
33:47to put bread
33:48on the table
33:49daddy's gone
33:50and your mama
33:50ain't able
33:51are you hungry
33:52when the money's
33:53all run out
33:55tell me little dear
33:57if he only lived
33:57here did you
33:58really ever live
33:59at all
33:59cause you'd be
34:01amazed in the
34:01summer out
34:02the days
34:02the spring
34:03turn into fall
34:04just listen to
34:05your brother
34:05you can run
34:06in the cover
34:07of the night sky
34:07when it falls
34:10I know that
34:11you think
34:11that you're
34:11growing
34:12but you're
34:12just tall
34:21oh I gotta
34:21tell you this
34:23sorry
34:24moms
34:24I gotta tell you
34:25this
34:25I wrote that
34:25song for my
34:26sister right
34:26and I played
34:27it for her
34:27and I was like
34:28I wrote this
34:28song for you
34:28right
34:29I want you
34:29to hear it
34:29I played it
34:30for her
34:30and that fucking
34:31bitch could not
34:32have reacted less
34:36she's 18 years
34:36old and her phone
34:37like whatever
34:38fag
34:38like no
34:41no response
34:44so then the
34:45song comes out
34:45last year
34:46the album
34:46comes out
34:47the album
34:47went to number
34:47one
34:48and suddenly
34:48thank you
34:52and suddenly
34:53one of my
34:53friends is like
34:53oh my god
34:54are you the
34:55sister that
34:55little sister's
34:56about
34:57and she goes
35:01I am
35:03and when I
35:04first heard
35:05that song
35:07I sobbed
35:08so parents
35:10kids are also
35:11fucking liars
35:21tell me little
35:21dear if he only
35:22lived here
35:23did you really
35:23ever live at all
35:25would you be amazed
35:26in the summer of the
35:27days of the spring
35:28turn in the fall
35:29just listen to your
35:30brother you can run
35:31in the cover of the
35:32night sky when it
35:33falls
35:35I know that you think
35:36that you're going
35:37but you're jealous
35:37tell me
35:40Ooh, ooh, ooh
35:47Ooh, ooh, ooh
35:53Ooh, ooh, ooh
36:14No homophobic fighting, thank God, thank God
36:24Do I have enough makeup on my chest?
36:27Is there time to pull out?
36:37Amazing
36:37And I don't give a shit if you don't like my tits
36:43Because I know they're amazing
36:47Amazing
37:02Get back in your seat, we can all see you!
37:05You guys, second half, woo woo!
37:10It's really fun, this is a cool weekend to do this
37:12because everybody, how many of you are not from L.A.?
37:16That's what I'm saying, you're all like, fuck this place!
37:20Because listen, I'm a country gay too, okay?
37:22I'm from Wisconsin, anybody ever been to Wisconsin?
37:25You have?
37:27If you guys, if you've never been to Wisconsin
37:29take a weekend, go for a drive
37:31we have the most beautiful
37:33serial killers you've ever seen
37:36Do you know what Jeffrey Dahmer looks like?
37:38A wavy blonde hair, if you guys don't know
37:41Jeffrey Dahmer was a serial killer
37:43used to take guys home from the club
37:45give them date rape drugs
37:47and then have sex with their bodies
37:50Different strokes, right?
37:53But you guys, he was so gorgeous
37:54he could have given me like a baby aspirin
37:56I would have been like, I feel funny!
38:05But if you guys know your Jeffrey Dahmer history
38:07you know that he was only interested in young men of color
38:10so, Trixie Mattel
38:12always the bridesmaid, never the bride
38:18Guys, when I lived in the country
38:20I mean, I was a gay kid
38:21I was gay from day one
38:24I remember the day I was born
38:26the doctor was like, push!
38:28I was like, push!
38:36You guys, I had one of those
38:38When you were, how many of you young guys
38:39did you have one of those gay voices
38:40where people would call and they would think
38:41that you're your mama?
38:45He's like, it happened the other day, yeah
38:49I had even worse than that
38:50People would call and be like
38:51excuse me young parakeet
38:53is your owner home?
38:57I'd be like
39:03And I'll never forget you guys, coming out
39:05when you live in the country is very scary
39:07right? Because your parents can hit you
39:09So I remember I was sitting across
39:11my mom and I was like
39:13because that's how you say it
39:14She could not have taken the wind
39:17out of my sails faster
39:19I was like
39:20She was like, girl
39:22I was like
39:26I was wearing exactly this
39:29When I was young in the country and gay
39:33I was always wondering why people are gay
39:35and experts
39:36Hard candy? No, go ahead, bitch
39:38You better eat that hard candy right now
39:43What is it?
39:44Peanut M&M's
39:47You better give me one
39:52Just literally one, okay, no
40:02I'm gonna save it and if I do a good job on the show I'll have it later
40:08Literally silenced
40:09He said
40:12It's because people are used to seeing drag queens on TV
40:14They're like, they can't hear us, bitch I hear you
40:18Even when I'm on TV
40:20I hear you
40:24As I was saying, guh
40:29Experts hypothesize that you were gay
40:30because you're over sexualized as a child
40:32but I'm not gay because like my dad touched me
40:36I'm gay because I loved it, right?
40:40I'm kidding, I did not have a dad
40:46I know it's hard to imagine I didn't have a male presence in my life
40:54Experts also hypothesize that you were gay because it's genetic
40:57but I don't believe that either
40:58because I could never get my brother to nut
41:00so I don't know
41:07I mean now, people are so lucky now
41:09Young gay guys have coming out day
41:11A whole day devoted to coming
41:12Back in my day, coming out day was the day your mom discovered the history on your internet browser
41:21But listen, if I wasn't gonna do drag anymore
41:23I think I would love to be, I think I could be like the next queer eye guy
41:26Do you guys f*** with queer eye?
41:27Ah!
41:29It is so good that I think I could be there to ground them
41:31because they get a little far-fetched sometimes, you know?
41:35They go to someone's house and they're like
41:36Listen, I know your family's falling apart because your parents died
41:41so we had their bodies exhumed
41:46Move that bus, move that bus
41:51Listen, Dave, father of two
41:55I know you said you wear a lot of hooded sweatshirts
41:57because you're kind of hiding
41:58not really making a fashion statement
42:00so we thought we'd update your wardrobe a little bit
42:03This is a Bob Mackie backless beaded
42:06Why don't you slip that on?
42:09I just think they're insensitive sometimes
42:11It's like, listen, I know your family's falling apart
42:13because your parents burned to death in a house fire
42:16and at night you can hear them screaming from the burning
42:20So we're gonna burn your mouth with some jalapeno margaritas
42:27Can you believe?
42:30Who gave us permission?
42:35I'll probably stay in TV
42:36I mean, when I first moved here I had to get so much work done on my teeth
42:41It's not the joke, thank you
42:45And I moved here
42:46I mean, I have to sit on TV next to Katya
42:48whose teeth are like perfect
42:49Like, she hits a meth pipe three years, perfect teeth
42:55I carry a Jolly Rancher in my pocket
42:57I'm like, was that one of mine?
42:58Oh my god
43:01And I started paying attention to my teeth
43:03because I saw this commercial called The Tissue Test
43:05Have you guys seen this commercial?
43:07It's two white ladies at lunch, not eating lunch
43:12And one of them goes, I'm insecure about the color of my teeth
43:15And the other one goes, just try the tissue test
43:17You take a white tissue and hold
43:20Don't ever do the tissue test
43:21I had to do the Burger King napkin test
43:35So I go to my dentist
43:37And my dentist here, her name is Dr. Sun
43:39She's an elderly Asian woman
43:41She's also Bill Murray's dentist
43:42So I'm kind of like the Bill Murray, I'm trying
43:45Dr. Sun takes one look in my mouth
43:49and screams over her shoulder
43:52Cancel all my appointments for the afternoon
43:57The dental hygienist looked at my mouth and goes
43:59So were you like a pirate for a couple years?
44:03Or...
44:05I was like, bitch, I'm from Wisconsin
44:07Be happy the gang's all here
44:13People from Wisconsin, that's your gums slapping together
44:15Yes!
44:20I'm like, just be happy they are holding hands
44:24And no matter how well you take care of your teeth
44:26You go to the dentist and they just body shame you down
44:28And what's your home care like?
44:30Not a hook and a drill, Janet
44:41But I became very aware of what I look like when I came to Los Angeles
44:44You guys, because everybody here, people are...
44:47I mean, where I'm from, Wisconsin
44:48If someone's hot, we're like
44:49Daddy's hot, he's like a model
44:54In LA, people are not like models
44:56They are models who get checks in the mail from modeling agencies
44:59Because they are models who model
45:03And I'm a good looking guy
45:05But me in that dating pool
45:06I might as well be like a bridge troll
45:08I'm like, would you fuck me?
45:14Would you fuck me?
45:21That was my Ed Sheeran pretty good, right?
45:31And here, you guys, people are almost competitively fit
45:33You know, people are like, I can't, I'm on a cleanse
45:35Oh, you're on a cleanse?
45:36Well, I'm on a cleanse cleanse
45:37I can have everything except cleanses
45:42Oh, really? For dinner? I had a nap
45:49And I don't know if you guys have ever gained weight quickly before
45:51But you are the last person to find out about it
45:58The last one
46:01What?
46:02Okay
46:04She's like, finally, one I get, thank you
46:08She's also called Skinny Legend, I've been bored
46:15But you guys, when you gain weight quickly
46:17You're the last one to realize
46:18I mean, you lie to yourself
46:20You lie to your friends
46:21My friends are like, Trixie, are those stretch marks?
46:24I was like, ha ha ha, no, I'm a cutter
46:26Ha ha ha ha, no
46:30No
46:35You don't realize
46:36I remember I was at my boyfriend's house
46:37And I found like a little pair of underwear
46:38I was like, whose are these, whore?
46:41He was like, those used to be yours
46:46I'm like, oh
46:49Well, let me just put them on then
46:55I'll just wear them home like this
46:59There's like a whole rating system here
47:00My roommate's from New York
47:01And he's like, honey, a ten in New York
47:03There's only a five here
47:04I was like, what if I'm a four from the woods?
47:08Do we get a scarlet letter?
47:11Or...
47:13And it all came to culmination
47:14When I was in Germany
47:15Have you guys been to Germany?
47:18The clubs in Germany
47:19People have no fucking chill, okay?
47:21I'm at the club
47:22And it was a party
47:23And I remember I was like
47:24You know when you're abroad
47:25And you just get like a sense of YOLO
47:27You know, you're like, abduct me
47:28Like anything
47:34But I remember I was at a bar
47:36A gay bar that had a darkroom
47:37And I was like, drunk
47:38And I was like, I'm gonna do it
47:39I'm gonna touch a dick
47:40I'm gonna do it
47:43So I got up the courage to touch this guy's dick
47:46I reached out
47:48And got my hand slapped away in the dark
48:02Just something in my grip
48:03Just something in my grip
48:03His dick read my palm
48:06I was just like, he was like
48:08Ugly
48:12Went to a proctologist appointment
48:13Because Men's Health Magazine
48:14Told me that at 28 years old
48:16I should start getting an annual anal pap smear
48:20Do you like how I barely take care of myself
48:22Until a men's magazine
48:23Tells me to get finger banged by a doctor
48:27And suddenly I'm like
48:28Your health is all you have
48:33So, my boyfriend and I waited for three months
48:36To have sex for the first time, right?
48:38We had sex on a Friday
48:39My doctor's appointment is on a Monday
48:41Tracy, why is this significant?
48:42Because
48:45I go in there on a Monday
48:46For my proctologist appointment
48:47And I'm up on the thing
48:49And the doctor's in there
48:50You know, looking for his keys
48:51Or
48:53Writing his name
48:57It's a really long name
49:00Never long enough, huh?
49:05And we had sex for the first time on a Friday
49:07And I'm in the doctor on a Monday
49:08And the doctor goes
49:09So, what'd you do this weekend?
49:13And I go
49:17Actually, a lot of what you're doing now
49:22And thank God he laughed at you guys
49:23I was like, I did not know if you were going to laugh at that
49:27And I'll never forget it
49:28He goes, I'm a proctologist in West Hollywood
49:35I've pulled people out of people
49:49Thank you guys for staying with me all night
49:51This has been nice
49:55One of the great things about not dating anymore is you get to be in this sort of bubble in
50:00your relationship
50:00I guess you could say you're in a yellow cloud.
50:07And I wrote this song specifically about that.
50:13I can see us in a small town
50:15Count the stars up in the sky
50:18I never thought that they could fall down
50:22A two-year suitor on your tie
50:25I cross a table at a French place
50:29I lose my way into the wine
50:33With your glasses on your pretty face
50:36You can go up, baby, we can float up
50:39Say we'll never come back down
50:42To the place in the yellow cloud
50:46Yours forever, thumbtack down
50:49Ooh, ooh, ooh
50:53Ooh, ooh, ooh
50:55And say you'll never come back down
51:02To the place in the yellow cloud
51:04Do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do
51:10Days are running at a slow pace
51:13And all the glitter in between
51:17And all the fallout from the one race
51:20I miss American tea
51:24And I can see the picket fences
51:27And I can see you mow the lawn
51:31We got no fear and no pretenses
51:34We got nothing but our sunglasses on
51:37Say we'll never come back down
51:40To the place in the yellow cloud
51:43Yours forever, thumbtack down
51:47Ooh, ooh, ooh
51:51Ooh, ooh, ooh
51:54And say you'll never come back down
51:59To the place in the yellow cloud
52:02Do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do
52:08-do, do-do-do
52:20So before I go, there's one song that definitely changed my life this year
52:26Know you're sexy and keep slaying the game
52:28Let the world remember your name
52:31Feel your puss down deep in your soul
52:34Let your body lose control
52:37Like Kitty Girl, it's your world
52:40When you walk the street
52:42Step into the beat
52:44Hey Kitty Girl
52:45Get your twirl
52:47In the disco heat
52:48You're the boogie-body rock queen
52:50Step aside, I'm back again
52:52So hype, so lit, adrenaline
52:53I'm Shant-ja-la, say what?
52:57That was good
52:57You guys were shitty
53:01I'm Shant-ja-la, say what?
53:03Hey, now all my time
53:04Did I take this first just to let you know
53:06Don't listen to the haters, be a bro
53:07Cause I worked my way, paid my dues
53:09Now I got the whole world singing out
53:10Hey Kitty Girl
53:12It's your world
53:13When you walk the street
53:15Step into the beat
53:17Hey Kitty Girl
53:18Get your twirl
53:20In the disco
53:21Eat your little boogie-body rock queen
53:23Okay, up next is Bebe Zaharbonnet's part
53:28And it's too hard to do and sing at the same time
53:30Does anyone here know it by heart?
53:33You in the overalls, you know it by heart?
53:35Get up here, you fucking bitch
53:45Don't fuck it up
53:47She's not going to
53:50You're not gonna fuck it up, are you?
53:52You better come up here in this fucking see-through shirt
53:54You fucking bitch
53:57She said, I came ready
54:00You think you know this song?
54:01Yeah
54:02Okay, well, just so you know
54:03There's a lot of people here and they are filming it
54:05So, you know, she's like
54:05Make it good
54:07Don't embarrass me
54:09What's your name?
54:09Sarah
54:10Sarah, put that microphone right here
54:11Here?
54:12I'm Sarah
54:13I'm Sarah
54:13And I'm not gonna fuck it up
54:15And I'm not gonna fuck it up
54:19In the disco heat
54:21You're the boogie, better rock and sweet
54:23Mirror, mirror on the wall
54:25I'm the fiercest of them all
54:27Face, face, face
54:27Body and all
54:28Another day, another slip
54:30Meow, meow
54:31Savage beauty
54:32Stepping out on the mission
54:33Get fierce
54:34Stay ready
54:34The OG's back for another crown
54:43Excuse me
54:48This is like a star is born
54:52But I can't really do anything for your career
54:56A star is still born
55:01You were so good
55:02Do you want to do the second half too?
55:03Yeah
55:04Bitch, you better
55:08Can you get me that M&F?
55:13Thank you
55:21You didn't give her one
55:22It's okay
55:22Hey kitty girl
55:24But you're gonna do my part
55:25Okay
55:25And I wrote it
55:26And I'm standing right here
55:27Okay
55:30I got it
55:35By the way
55:35They're never this supportive for me
55:36So fuck them
55:38So we're gonna lead her in
55:39With kitty girl
55:40And then you're gonna do my part
55:41Ready?
55:41Okay
55:41So we're gonna lead her in
55:42You relax while we sing to you
55:43Hey kitty girl
55:45It's your world
55:46In the disco heat
55:48You're the boogie
55:49Better rock and clean
55:49Step to the plate
55:51I'm Tricks with Tog
55:51I'm a name in the game
55:52But I learn a well
55:53Cause I'm the MVP
55:54Headin' off to Beth
55:55And I'll go for a base
55:55But I never tell that
55:56I got a place to fall
55:57Like Pamela
55:58I'm stepping out the box
55:59Like Shangela
55:59I got a long, thick leg
56:00A tarantula
56:01Anytime I get her
56:02I'm gonna hand you up
56:12Get the fuck out of here
56:13Immediately
56:21Well Sarah's a fucking liar
56:24She's like
56:25I don't know if I know it
56:32You guys
56:33That's the end of the show
56:36We've only been here
56:37For two and a half hours
56:38I know
56:39And honestly
56:40If anything tonight
56:40Wasn't funny
56:41Do you remember this
56:43I've already got
56:44Your money
56:46I'm Tricks and the tail
56:47Bye
56:59I can see us
57:01In a small town
57:03Count the stars
57:04Up in the sky
57:05I never thought
57:08That they could fall down
57:10I'll chew your suit
57:11Or run your tie
57:13Across the table
57:15At a French place
57:16I lose my way
57:18Into the wire
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