- 12 hours ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:19If I had a child, a real child, I would leave it in the woods for one year.
00:24I would check on it with a telescope, but I would like to see how it vents for itself.
00:32The best piece of advice I have ever given is just be yourself, and if no one likes this, change.
00:40I just want to be myself. I just want to express myself.
00:43But what if you're a shitty person? What if you have nothing good to offer?
00:47Become something different. Change.
00:49If you were a politician, what would your platform be?
00:52Don't look at me. Please.
00:56If you could do any other job, what would it be?
00:58Window washer. Hang from a wire and make things clear.
01:03Very philosophical.
01:07With all that you've accomplished, is there anything else that you want to do?
01:13No. I'm ready for death. Tonight.
01:20Help me, I'm dying.
01:21Show title, not to be taken literally, is metaphorical in nature.
01:26Although, if you think about it, am I not really just an animated sack of human meat
01:33shellacked with a poisonous shell of cosmetic?
01:38In this sense, please help me.
01:54The ballroom was filled with fashion's thrall.
01:57It shone with a thousand lights.
01:59And there was a woman who passed along, the fairest of all the sites.
02:03A boy to himself softly sighed.
02:05She'd married for wealth, not love, he cried.
02:08But now she lives in a mansion grand.
02:13And she's only a bird in a gilded cage.
02:17A beautiful sight to see.
02:21You may think that she's happy and free from care.
02:25Yeah, we did.
02:26It's good to see a master's grad do something decent with their career.
02:30De-straight, at least ten years.
02:32Oh, it's been a long team.
02:34Yeah, have you been to the campus?
02:35It's insane what they've done now.
02:36Teachers aren't jaded anymore, it's all amazing.
02:38Oh my god, why is there, it's all, it's all.
02:41It's beer's good now?
02:42But I was like a, um, like a crack whore for a while.
02:45So, you know, it's like.
02:47I know exactly, I know exactly.
02:49It's like ten years.
02:50That's great.
02:52Thank you so much for coming back to Boston.
02:54It's been way too long.
02:55It has been too long.
02:56Thank you for coming.
02:56It's great.
02:57Thank you, thank you.
02:58Come on, come on in.
02:59I just sold your aunt my ticket.
03:00Oh, nice.
03:01Your Aunt Kathy.
03:02Shut the fuck up.
03:03You're kidding.
03:04I'm not kidding, I wish I was kidding.
03:05Aunt Kathy.
03:06Yes.
03:08Where did you come?
03:11Can you believe I got in here?
03:13I'm not kidding.
03:14You wouldn't believe the story.
03:15This is for you.
03:16Why did she fucking call me?
03:16I tried today and I texted you.
03:19I remember.
03:19But this is.
03:20Can my friends take a picture of us all together?
03:22Because you won't believe how we got in here.
03:26Did you scam your way?
03:28No, kind of.
03:28But we're here.
03:30We're here.
03:31Friends of the family.
03:34Oh, thank you.
03:35Oh my God.
03:36They have my.
03:36No, I meant when I said you're the best thing to come out of sin.
03:39Because.
03:39Oh, thank you.
03:40Bad to work.
03:41Yeah, I guess it is.
03:44And now I'm doing exactly what I went to school for.
03:47Right?
03:47It's crazy.
03:48Yeah.
03:48I came paid lots of cash.
03:50Cash.
03:51Yeah, cash.
03:52Money.
03:52Cash.
03:52Cash.
03:52One of the only ones like that.
03:54Yes.
03:54And we are home tonight.
03:56Are you running?
04:15I stood in a churchyard just at Eve when sunset a door in the West and looked at the people
04:20who'd come to grieve for loved ones now made at rest.
04:23A tall marble monument marked the grave of one who'd been fashion's queen.
04:31And I thought, she is happier here at rest than to have people say when they've seen.
04:36It's sad when you think of her wasted life and the woman who passed along.
04:41The hot summer rustles as the western lot fails like a carnival.
04:45When I was like 11, I went to see Cirque du Soleil for the first time.
04:50And I didn't know what it was.
04:51And my father got tickets for the whole family to go see.
04:54And I like creamed my pants.
04:57Like I was like, I was like, my jaw was like on the floor the whole time.
05:00I was just like, I was like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the whole time.
05:07And then I was like obsessed, obsessed, obsessed, obsessed.
05:09And then it was two years until their next show would come to Boston.
05:13And I like was on the, I did one of those things on the calendar where I X'd off every
05:17day until the show was like three months in the future.
05:19And then when we got to that show, I sat down and I was like, this is it.
05:27It's so small.
05:29And then I watched the show and then the show ended.
05:33And on the car ride home for 45 minutes, I cried because it was so disappointing.
05:38It's so small.
05:42the cage
06:17Shut up!
06:22Listen, Boseman, I just have to tell you right off the bat.
06:28There is a pool of ecstatic juice forming in my midsection.
06:36I am so overcome with this ecstatic feeling to be back in my hometown.
07:05Shut up!
07:07I don't want the ego, okay?
07:09I don't want it.
07:11Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to each and every single one of you.
07:15My name is Ekaterina Petrovna Zamlodzkova, but please just call me Katya.
07:19Hi!
07:22This is incredible.
07:23This is incredible.
07:25We are at the Wilbur.
07:28We are at the Wilbur.
07:31And it is so exciting for me to entertain you in this context because I have to admit, the nightclub
07:37circuit has lost its luster.
07:40At this time, I would be just beginning my makeup to prepare for an evening of sweating off three-quarters
07:46of my body weight.
07:49Until people are literally died of alcohol poisoning.
07:53Except one who pukes right on me.
07:57But we are here in a theater.
08:00In a theater.
08:06It feels...
08:08It feels like home.
08:09You see the theater.
08:10It's in my blood.
08:12Quite literally, I was stabbed here this morning.
08:19And for those of you who have not yet had the dubious pleasure of making my acquaintance...
08:24Hello.
08:26I am simply your average, run-of-the-mill, Russian bisexual transvestite hooker.
08:36Enchante. Enchante.
08:37Enchante.
08:38And I can sense already something I must address.
08:42This phenomenon known as cognitive dissonance.
08:45Because what you are seeing, what you are visually processing with your eyeball is no doubt the spitting image of
08:55Michelle Pfeiffer.
08:58Yes.
08:59Yes.
09:01However, the auditory sensation that enters inside your ear hole is Borat.
09:09Don't become emotional.
09:11It is simply an unfortunate characteristic of every single Russian woman that we are supermodel over six foot tall, but
09:21we sound like your Uncle Jerry.
09:26It's my cross to bear.
09:29Also, I must address a very unsettling fact that you are right now processing the fact that I am a
09:36concert violinist.
09:40New discoveries can be very stressful for the nervous system, so we process together now.
09:54Thank you so much for coming tonight.
10:05Thank you so much for coming tonight.
10:06Thank you so much for coming tonight.
10:06This show, how should I say, if you are a fan of logical narrative flow...
10:15We don't do that.
10:17We don't do that.
10:18We don't do that.
10:19We don't do that.
10:20We don't do that.
10:20If you've ever soaked a dirty diaper in lysergic acid during the months of July in Siberia, and then squeezed
10:32it out into your mouth in August, in August, that's a little bit of what you have in store for
10:39you tonight.
10:46I'm glad to see that you have remained totally disgusting.
10:51And I know, listen, I am, yes, a very beautiful woman, but not without struggle.
10:57Not without struggle.
10:59I was trying so desperately to organize the events of my life into some kind of concise and consistent presentation,
11:08but I was coming up nil.
11:11I remember, probably a year ago, I was in my apartment, perched on my stovetop, just clutching a very big
11:21warm mug of Diet Pepsi.
11:40Diet Pepsi.
11:43You cannot beat the real thing.
11:46And, ladies and gentlemen, as the afternoon light filtered in through the window, my dark and swollen areola were clearly
11:56visible through the worn and weathered cotton of my target nightgown.
12:02And I was losing myself, losing myself in many moments of deep narcissistic reflection, wondering, how do I tell this
12:12story of my life?
12:13So I figured, you know, why not just start at the beginning?
12:16I was born in Russia.
12:17At the age of three, I was mauled by a bear.
12:22So, naturally, I skipped puberty.
12:28And, at four and a half, being a fully formed, grown adult human woman, you can imagine the jealousy.
12:42But, you know, despite this fact, my mother, at the time, she insisted on tucking me into bed each and
12:48every night and telling me bedtime story.
12:50Now, story always the same.
12:53Every night, she would get very close to my face, like, too close.
12:56And, with a sort of twisted, maniacal grimace, she would tell me,
13:01Katinka, the moment you were born is a moment from which I will never, ever physically, emotionally, or spiritually recover.
13:14It was as if the devil himself rose up from hell, wrenched apart my legs, and transformed my pelvis into
13:22a food processor.
13:26Churning my innards into this hellish stew of blood and gristle from which a bulbous head appeared.
13:34The gaping maw, somehow backlit, was emitting a screech and a scream so piercing, so horrible,
13:42I knew at this moment I had to contend with the fact that this was to be the soundtrack to
13:46the horror film my life had become.
13:51You know, they say that hindsight's 50-50.
13:56I don't believe this woman liked me very much.
14:01Now, my father, he was a very typical Russian man, very typical, proud, drunk, and dead by 50.
14:08But, at the very least, I am consoled by the fact that he died doing what he loved.
14:13Drowning.
14:35It's important to have a passion.
14:40so not shortly after this i go to live with my grandmother she was a blind crippled amnesiac
14:45woman i believe you call her quirky and she was very helpful in her no-nonsense approach towards
14:53life she would tell me katinka listen the world horrible place people rotten to the core they
14:59will lie cheat and steal from you at every turn so please if for nothing else than a few
15:03welcome moments of distraction try your best not to be ugly
15:09she was also very helpful in elucidating quite concisely the difference between
15:14the russian psyche and the rest of the world as she was dying wheezing her last
15:20fetid breaths into the atmosphere she turned to me very dramatically and said
15:26in russia no one expects to be happy
15:41she also died standing up which was very impressive
15:46very impressive so you know i hate to admit it but yes i am cliche in the sense that i
15:52go to america
15:53i'm seeking fame yeah fortune okay but
15:59just between us girls um what i'm really looking for really searching for is
16:04exhilarating bouts of fully penetrative sexual congress
16:15you like sex yes it's very good but uh i quickly understand that at least as far as american
16:25men are concerned my approach towards romantic overture is um disarmingly direct i have a technique
16:33i have a technique i waltz into the bar
16:38tap tap tap
16:43excuse me sir would you care to do sex to my genital tonight
16:55i average about a 45 success rate with this technique
16:59other times though ladies i'm sure you can understand women are busy people i don't have
17:04time for this song and dance so i simply whack them on the back of the head and go
17:11100 success rate with this one every single time
17:22and just as a quick note
17:24i uh i encountered this very mysterious chinese refugee in the bathroom of jfk airport once
17:30and she said that if you um sort of hunch over like you're about to throw up
17:35and make your tongue like a loaf of bread it's very sexy watch this
17:47something to do with the parasympathetic nervous system but i'm not a scientist so i don't know
17:54like i said even in a boudoir i am not without struggle
18:00you have to understand that even for someone as effortlessly seductive and beautiful as me
18:06i'm not your average girl i'm not your typical woman you see my vagina
18:12that's russian for asshole
18:24it's a little bit further back
18:26um slightly shitty remodel um and it requires a level of care and attention that is reserved
18:37mostly for serbian men dying of prostate cancer
18:42it's touch and go
18:49and i dream big and i embody an expensiveness which most single men cannot accommodate
18:56for example like i told my last boyfriend he was a belgian painter with no hands
19:03the sex was bizarre
19:07i broke up with one afternoon and i said listen honey your penis yes it's like a prince in a
19:13fairy tale
19:13but my vagina is a ken burns miniseries
19:30um excuse me um some more coffee please
19:33oh too easy
19:43girl what is going on with you
19:45nothing i'm i'm not hungry
19:48then why did you ask me out to lunch
19:50i mean i could be out with any of my other friends pretending i like them
19:52i just really wanted to come here
19:54to hamburger mary's
19:55this hamburger mary's
19:58okay
19:59why this hamburger mary's
20:02it's kind of embarrassing
20:04are you banging the bus boy you know he doesn't have a bus he tells everybody that
20:09no
20:11i had a dream about this place
20:13oh god
20:14i know i know i know
20:15aren't you the one who's always saying
20:17oh i'd rather plow my face into a shovel than listen to people talk about their dreams
20:21yes
20:23but
20:23i had the same dream
20:25twice
20:26had you lost dragons
20:28yeah but
20:29okay
20:30this is different
20:31i've had this dream before and there's something about it
20:33it seems
20:34real
20:36okay con
20:37tell me about your stupid wet dream
20:38it's the second one i've had
20:40and they're both exactly the same
20:43except
20:43you're over there
20:58and i can sort of sense that there's something outside by the dumpster
21:05trick seems terrible
21:06it's just awful
21:08oh your career
21:10yes no well that yeah that's fair
21:13you're
21:14in both dreams
21:15and you're scared
21:17and once i get it that you're scared
21:18i become terrified
21:21because you feel it too
21:22so that's how i think it's real
21:23and then
21:26then
21:28i realize what it is
21:31katya i don't feel that way about you
21:33okay we can do like some hand stuff
21:34but that's as far as i'm gonna go
21:36why wouldn't
21:36just a blowjob maybe a blowjob
21:37no
21:38okay fine that's okay
21:39okay so but in the dream
21:41there's a woman
21:42i can see her face
21:43she's rotted
21:44and she has these gold hoop earrings
21:47morgan mcmichaels
21:48yes
21:49no maybe
21:49i don't know
21:50i i just hope
21:52i hope i never have to see that face ever again
21:55wait
21:56didn't you jerk off a homeless guy behind that dumpster
21:59twice
22:00and he wasn't homeless
22:02he was just in between living situations
22:03which is totally understandable
22:04but that's beside the point
22:05like
22:07i know something's out there
22:09and i can't describe what it is
22:12i know it's insane
22:13but i had to come here
22:15to see if
22:16to see if he'll move in with you
22:18uh
22:19no
22:19i just need this building to go away
22:26okay sylvia hashbrown
22:27i'm gonna go pay for this
22:29and then you and i
22:29are gonna go
22:31jerk off your dream hobo
22:32okay
22:47okay
22:48okay
22:48all right
22:50you have a huge vagina
22:52you can do this
23:19you can do this
23:49you can do this
24:20you are heavier than i thought
24:24okay i'm bored
24:30has anyone seen my dead dog
24:36a little maiden
24:40tucked her uncle's glove
24:44why are you single
24:48where is your love
24:52i have a sweetheart
24:57i'll tell it all
25:00i believe her
25:03after the ball
25:10after the ball is over
25:14after the break of dawn
25:17after the dancers leaving
25:22after the stars are gone
25:29if you could read them all
25:34many of those that have vanished
25:38after the ball
25:52after the ball
26:08after the ball
26:22and then you can do this
26:31after the ball
26:33after the ball
26:33after the ball
26:35after the ball
26:38And, uh, what an honor.
26:41What a fucking pleasure.
26:48What a privilege it is to be standing here, a woman of grace,
26:52dignity in her home fucking town.
26:58Celebrating as I am, 14 days clean and sober by the grace of God.
27:02Still smoking a little bit of pot.
27:08Still smoking a little bit of pot.
27:10And, uh, just in the spirit of honesty,
27:12I made a take in a half dozen antihistamines before the show.
27:17Washed them down with a full bottle of Robitussin.
27:19But listen, it's my journey.
27:22It's my miracle.
27:27And I'm very happy, very happy to be here.
27:31Now, before we get into it, I got a little bit of programming note.
27:35Uh, I'm not exactly technically allowed to be outside the house at the current time.
27:41However, however, should my PO wiggle through that back door,
27:44I feel like, I feel like I got a solution.
27:46Hang on, let's see if this works.
28:04Where'd she go?
28:06Nobody knows.
28:08Oh, shit.
28:11I'm not pregnant, by the way.
28:12Just eating real good these days.
28:14And, uh...
28:16Oh, Boston, it's such a...
28:18You know, this place is in my heart.
28:22My heart has here, honey.
28:23You just hold on there for things.
28:26Um...
28:27You know, the only town where an out-of-town visitor will pretty much be guaranteed three things.
28:33Number one, you're going to get spat on.
28:37Number two, you're going to get called a racial slur, but the wrong one.
28:44And, at the end of the night, no matter what day of the week it is,
28:48you're going to find yourself in the curious position of being convinced to help somebody light their car on fire.
28:56Boston, it is wonderful.
28:58Now, anybody here from the suburbs?
28:59We got Peabody.
29:00Anybody here from Peabody?
29:03Swampscut?
29:06Revere?
29:08Saugus?
29:10Ernie Bach, Jr.
29:11Right on Route 1 in Saugus on the automobile.
29:15Ernie Bach, Jr.
29:20Catch yourself a nice fucking Toyota.
29:22Ernie Bach, Jr.
29:31Patriots won the Super Bowl.
29:37I don't know nothing about football,
29:38but I'm very excited, very excited, despite visibly struggling with some fibromyalgia, chronic pain.
29:45I got a crick neck, I got a bum leg, I got some patchy psoriasis on my right thigh, but
29:50through it all, I'm here.
29:53I'm delighted to share this moment with you.
29:56Now, I've got to be honest again with you, though.
29:59I know it's a comedy show, but I feel compelled to share that, um, I'm feeling a little bit of
30:06fear.
30:06I got a little anxiety, because, oh, I love you too, hon.
30:10And listen, you love, I know you, Marie, you've lost a lot of weight, hon, and you look fantastic.
30:23I know, and honey, girl, I know what the, I know the struggles with, and that keto diet is working
30:27wonders for you.
30:31And don't listen to Denise, she's just jealous, she's a fucking bitch, you know, don't let her get you down.
30:36But honey, go with God, you are doing great.
30:41Anyways, like I was saying, I'm filled with fear.
30:44And, um, I'm rapidly approaching a point in my life where I'm having to kind of reconcile the fact that,
30:50uh, yeah, I'm getting older, and, uh, some of my feminine wiles are no longer at my disposal.
30:55Um, you know, back in the day, I could charm the pants off any priest.
31:02I know, in this archdiocese, that's not really that impressive, but...
31:15But it is if you got a pussy, so...
31:22Patriots won the Super Bowl!
31:27But, you know, I'm quickly realizing that menopause is not exactly what it's cracked up to be, and, um, I'm
31:34just, I'm worried that my powers of seduction are really losing their luster every day.
31:40And so I wondered, and I was curious, I'm just, I don't know, I hope it's not too much of
31:44an imposition, but I thought I might ask if there might be a gentleman here tonight who wouldn't mind, uh,
31:50in a manner of speaking,
31:51I'm coming up here to take a little walk on the wild side.
32:05Um, you're here in front.
32:07No, just sit down.
32:09What's your name, hon?
32:11What?
32:12Baze?
32:13Is that foreign?
32:17That's your mother?
32:18What the fuck were you on when you named him, hon?
32:20Brandon, no, don't wait, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
32:24God, white people.
32:25Um,
32:28If you don't mind, I'm gonna call you Brandon, is that all right?
32:31So,
32:33Brandon, what I need you to do is very calmly and gingerly just
32:36stand up and wiggle right over these stairs, okay?
32:39Because I want you to come on stage, all right?
32:40Yeah.
32:48Oh, God, touch of the sciatica, too.
32:51Hey, Brandon, how are you?
32:52Give it up for Brandon, everybody.
32:59All right, now just hold there for one second.
33:01I want to, I want you to
33:05just plant your butt right in this chair.
33:08What a nice, handsome man he is, huh?
33:14So, Brandon, um,
33:16I want you to just completely relax, no pressure.
33:18I'm not gonna make you do no song and dance or nothing,
33:20embarrass yourself in front of your mother.
33:22Um, but what I would like you to do is
33:24close your eyes,
33:25that's right,
33:25sit back,
33:27and drop into a state of relaxation so total
33:31that you forget where you are
33:33and where you're from.
33:35Take a deep breath in.
33:40Good.
33:41Now, if we can employ your powers of visualization
33:45for just a moment,
33:46imagine that you're on a sunlit beach.
33:48Oh!
33:49You get a timeshare down in the Turks and Caicos.
33:53Now,
33:54you know it's a scam,
33:55but you're a young, hopeful man
33:57who just
33:57got nothing for the best in your future now.
33:59You're just
34:00lounging on the sand,
34:02wearing a nice Speedo,
34:03and your pubic ears
34:04peeking out through the sides,
34:05but
34:07nobody's there to judge you.
34:08Nobody's there to harass you.
34:09You're just
34:09living your truth,
34:11your big, gay truth,
34:13right on the,
34:14right on the shore.
34:16The sun
34:17blazing in the background.
34:19The waves
34:20lapping at your little piggies,
34:21and you are just
34:23totally calm,
34:24totally relaxed,
34:26totally at peace,
34:27until
34:29you happen to notice
34:30out of the corner of your eye
34:32a strange,
34:33shadowy figure.
34:37Could be a woman.
34:42It's hard to tell.
34:45But what is certainly clear
34:46is that this figure,
34:48this entity,
34:49this being,
34:50is grooving.
34:51She is
34:52grooving.
34:59And
35:01as she
35:02slowly
35:03but methodically
35:04makes her way
35:05towards you,
35:07you begin to take
35:08stock of your life.
35:11Like I said,
35:13you're a young man
35:14with a bright future.
35:15You did great in college,
35:16but
35:17as this entity,
35:18as this being
35:21approaches,
35:25you can't help
35:26but conjure up images
35:27from that movie
35:27The Exorcist.
35:30Or The Ring.
35:32Or
35:32Adventures in Babysitting.
35:34Point is,
35:36your mind is going
35:37a mile a minute
35:38as this being,
35:38this woman,
35:39this thing is
35:40undulating,
35:41gyrating,
35:42inching closer
35:43towards you
35:43with each breath
35:44as you
35:45prepare for
35:46what seems like
35:47could be an overture
35:49romantic interest
35:50or
35:50a sexually
35:51predatory attack.
35:53But either way,
35:55either way,
35:56you brace yourself
35:56as
35:57a strange,
35:58pungent,
35:59acrid aroma
36:00wafts from her
36:01genitalia.
36:02And
36:03you did great
36:04on the SATs,
36:05but that's not
36:05going to help you
36:06here, hun.
36:11And
36:13you bite down
36:14hard and just
36:15grip your thighs
36:15as she prepares
36:16to make her
36:17mount.
36:19Mount.
36:40And Brandon,
36:41just in a flash,
36:43she's gone.
36:45Evaporated into
36:46thin air,
36:47you are left
36:47feeling with this
36:47sense of loneliness,
36:48of longing.
36:50She's graciously
36:51concealing the
36:51semi-chub that has
36:52popped up in your
36:53shorts right now.
36:57You are rocketed
36:58back to a reality
36:58so distant,
36:59so disturbing,
37:00you are left to
37:00wonder,
37:01how was it that
37:01in just a few
37:02brief, short moments
37:03I was able to
37:04fall so completely
37:05in love with this
37:05humpbacked woman?
37:09How did I
37:10allow herself to
37:10display her genitals
37:11so clearly so
37:12close to my face
37:13and allow her to
37:13sweat all over me?
37:14How did I let her
37:15get away?
37:15And more importantly,
37:16how did she
37:17manage to get away
37:17with my wallet?
37:38Now, oh, I'm happy
37:41to report that, you
37:42know, initially the
37:44whole point of this
37:45exercise was to see
37:46if I still got it in
37:47a sense, but I'm less
37:49concerned with how
37:50you're feeling right
37:51now because to be
37:52perfectly honest,
37:53Brandon, I think I'm
37:55a little wet
37:55downstairs.
37:59And, you know, as
38:01long as my engine is
38:02still capable of
38:02revving up, I don't
38:04really care what's
38:04going on with you,
38:05but I do want to
38:08thank you for being
38:08the catalyst because
38:09I, oh, you know
38:11what?
38:11It's actually, it's a
38:13little bit of pee.
38:13Never mind.
38:14But in any case, in
38:17any case, I would like
38:19to let you know that
38:20it has been sworn to
38:22me by several
38:23physicians, medical
38:24doctors, that the
38:25herpes simplex virus
38:26is not communicable
38:28through Trump-Lloyd
38:29denim.
38:31So, for tonight,
38:33hon, you're in the
38:33clear, nothing to
38:34worry about, but I
38:35would like to thank
38:35you for coming up
38:36here.
38:36Give it up for
38:36Brandon, everybody.
38:45One sec.
38:50Thank you so much,
38:51Bob.
38:51Thank you so much.
38:53Woo!
38:58What a crowd.
38:59What a night.
39:00Ladies and gentlemen,
39:01I am so super
39:01jazzed to be here.
39:02Now, it's funny, the
39:04human body is, what a
39:07mystery, the human
39:08body.
39:09I remember back in
39:1097, I got my period
39:12every single day for
39:16like eight or nine
39:17months.
39:18And I think it was
39:20at a Christmas party
39:21that I realized
39:24that I realized...
39:43That robe
39:44assassin's kicking in.
39:56Oh, shit.
39:58Well, what was I?
39:59Oh, yeah, listen.
40:01Eight or nine months
40:01straight in a row
40:02every single day, and
40:03then during the
40:04holidays, I'm at a
40:05fucking Christmas party
40:06down in Lowell.
40:11And I realized, it's just a
40:14wound.
40:21From a fucking samurai
40:23saw it.
40:26I can be such a ditzy
40:28blonde.
40:28Hello.
40:29Hello.
40:30But now, in terms of...
40:41Now, if we're examining
40:43the broad tapestry of human
40:45emotion and the experience
40:46of being a person, I got to
40:47tell you, my favorite thing
40:50in the world is this sort
40:52of soul-crunching, abject
40:55sense of humiliation.
40:58Shame.
41:15Deep into the darkness
41:17peering, long I stood there
41:21wondering, fearing, doubting,
41:25dreaming dreams no mortal
41:27ever dreamed before.
41:31Distinctly, I remember
41:34it was in the bleak December,
41:36and each separate dying
41:39amber wrought its ghost
41:41upon the floor, and the
41:44silken, sad, uncertain
41:47rustling of each purple
41:48curtain thrilled me, filled
41:51me with fantastic terrors
41:54never felt before.
41:57But the silence was
41:59unbroken, and the stillness
42:02gave no token, and the only
42:04word there spoken was the
42:06whispered word, Lenore.
42:10In the west, the falling
42:12light still glows, and the
42:13clustered housetops glitter in
42:15the sun, but here death is
42:17already chalking the doors
42:18with crosses and calling the
42:20ravens, and the ravens are
42:23flying in.
42:26Hi, guys!
42:32Wow!
42:36First of all, thank you for
42:37being, like, the best crowd
42:38ever.
42:39This is so wonderful.
42:43And yes, did you stone now its
42:45tights?
42:46I did, certainly did stone
42:47these tights, yeah.
42:49Um, it's great to be back in
42:51what was my hometown for 35
42:54fucking years.
42:55Well, Boston for about a good
42:5915, and then Marlboro, just
43:01like the cigarettes for...
43:07A terrible, horrible,
43:09nondescript suburb right in
43:11central Massachusetts.
43:13Anybody here from Marlboro?
43:16Yeah!
43:18Ha!
43:20Eli Manning!
43:28Um, I'm from the
43:30television, um, but...
43:34Uh, for many of you, I'm just
43:35from literally right down the
43:37street.
43:37I used to live right above
43:38Jacques Cabaret.
43:44And for so many years, um,
43:46we did a show...
43:47Uh, yeah!
43:53Um...
43:53For so many years, did a
43:54wonderful show about
43:55Perestroika that, um...
43:56Yeah, yeah, yeah!
43:59And it was a much simpler time
44:01in my life where I was a
44:02part-time hooker, and, um,
44:04I do not wish to stand here
44:06before you, Bob.
44:07I won't do it, and glamorize
44:09the life of prostitution, but
44:10I have to confess that, yes,
44:12it was the best job I ever
44:13had.
44:19I made my own hours.
44:20I was my own boss.
44:22I had a schedule on a
44:23whiteboard in my bathroom.
44:26And it was, um, the most
44:28interesting job from a
44:29sociological point of view.
44:30From a financial perspective,
44:32not so much.
44:33And here's why.
44:33Because I was so bad at
44:35receiving money, um, from
44:38the Johns.
44:39There was one time in
44:40particular that I'm a little
44:41bit embarrassed to admit,
44:42so why not do it on the
44:43special?
44:49Um...
44:50I, um, and, you know, I, uh,
44:52I recently became an uncle,
44:53so I know that one day in the
44:54future, my lovely little
44:56nephew will grow up to be a
44:57man, and will watch this
44:59and feel horrified by it.
45:02Um...
45:04There was this old man who
45:06about maybe 65, 66 years
45:08old, who I brought up to my
45:09apartment, um, to engage in
45:12a little bit of, um, sexual
45:13transaction.
45:14And long...
45:28Okay!
45:29Okay!
45:38You know, that is the marvel of
45:41verbal communication, in that
45:44one word, two syllables.
45:46I felt seen.
45:49I felt heard.
45:51And there was this...
45:53I mean, there was this
45:54palpable sense of empathy.
45:56Just kind of...
45:58Namaste to you.
45:59Thank you so much.
46:06But, so one night, one, one
46:08lonely night, I...
46:09Long story short, I licked
46:11this grandpa's ass.
46:12And...
46:14And when it came time to
46:16collect payment, which, of
46:17course, girls, you gotta do
46:18it up front, I neglected to
46:20do this, and so when I, um,
46:21humbly requested to be paid,
46:22he proceeded to offer me 40
46:26sweat-stained, lipstick-imprinted
46:29single-dollar bills that I
46:31thought was a little bit
46:32curious, because I had just
46:33done a show earlier that
46:34night and made about $45.
46:36I thought, you know what?
46:38Grandpas are honest people.
46:39And, um, so I accepted the
46:42money, and then I said, well,
46:43here, well, the thing is, you
46:44know, uh, there's actually,
46:45you're $60 short.
46:47And he's like, oh, well, um,
46:49I'll just run over to the ATM,
46:50and I'll be right back.
46:51And I was like, okay, Grandpa,
46:53I'll wait right here.
46:58And for about an hour and 45
47:00minutes, I went through the full
47:04range of human emotion, um,
47:06starting at, um, frustration,
47:10shame, fear, and, uh, just
47:13circling round and round and
47:15round.
47:16And I believe it was that moment
47:17where I became grizzled,
47:19ornery, and surly, um, that,
47:22that Grandpa is lucky he didn't
47:24come back, because I would have
47:26tore him a new fucking asshole.
47:32And probably would have
47:33licked that one, too.
47:36But thank God, thank God,
47:38through the, the marvels of
47:40television, I was able to
47:41transcend this horrible fate and
47:43become a reality TV superstar.
47:46Oh!
47:48Oh, thank God.
47:51But, before that happened, I
47:54enrolled in college.
47:55Mm-hmm.
47:56Um, I was like, oh,
47:58at first, I went to Boston
47:59University.
48:00Everybody from Boston
48:00University?
48:01Come on.
48:03I decided to study the
48:05lucrative and practical, um,
48:08major known as French
48:09Literature.
48:11But then I decided, I, I
48:13don't want to just work for
48:14the man, so I transferred to
48:17art school and enrolled in,
48:19yeah, decided to settle on
48:21something that was a little
48:22even more lucrative, uh, more
48:24practical, performance art.
48:28So, I enrolled in the
48:30Massachusetts College of Art
48:31and Design.
48:32Oh!
48:36And, my first day of school
48:38was wild.
48:39Well, actually, first day of
48:40school was 9-11, so that was
48:41ominous.
48:44Yeah, that was ominous.
48:45But, second day of school,
48:47let me tell you.
48:49So,
48:51what?
48:51It's true.
48:53I didn't do it.
48:58Bush did.
49:01Um.
49:04So,
49:06I, the first day of art
49:07school, so, we had, um, a
49:09low-tech performance group,
49:10which in my major meant,
49:11like, if you wanted to do
49:13some kind of performance that
49:14did not involve a lot of
49:14technology, like sing a song,
49:16or do a dramatic reading,
49:17something like that.
49:18So, we all gathered in a
49:19beautiful courtyard on
49:20campus, and we all sat down
49:22on a bench as the first girl
49:24to do her presentation
49:25stood up and walked very
49:27calmly right to the center
49:28of the courtyard, turned
49:29around, looked at us all,
49:31and then proceeded to take
49:33off every single article of
49:34clothing she had on.
49:37Once completely stripped
49:38naked, she closed her eyes,
49:41took a few deep breaths,
49:43opened her eyes,
49:45looked at us all in the face,
49:47and then proceeded to
49:49scream bloody murder
49:50at the top of her lungs.
49:52And I'm not talking like,
49:53I mean, it was as if
49:55every serial killer
49:56in the history of the world
49:58was butchering her
49:59in the sense that she was
50:00screaming, her face was
50:02beet red, the veins
50:03bulging in her forehead,
50:05people all around the
50:06building are like,
50:07what the fuck is going on?
50:09As we, her classmates,
50:11are just staring passively,
50:13one, okay, okay.
50:14And then, after two to three
50:16minutes of continuous
50:17blood-curdling shrieking,
50:20it happened.
50:22She started pissing.
50:26And listen,
50:29I love water sports,
50:30so I'm not like,
50:32this was not a tinkle,
50:34this was not a trickle,
50:35this was some fucking
50:37demonic Mr. Ed
50:38fire hose,
50:41thick fucking piss stream,
50:43like, creating at least
50:44a six-inch divot
50:46into the fucking
50:46courtyard grass.
50:48She was pissing
50:49and pissing.
50:50I mean,
50:51she could have,
50:52if you had held her
50:52horizontally,
50:53you could have used her
50:53as a battering ram
50:54to get into a...
50:57And then, finally,
50:59it stopped.
51:01She closed her eyes
51:02and composed herself.
51:04And then,
51:05gathered her clothes,
51:06put them back on,
51:07and just walked back over
51:08for a very reasonable critique.
51:11And,
51:12but the kicker was,
51:13I mean,
51:14it was so strange,
51:15we actually had a very, like,
51:16thoughtful discussion
51:17about what we had just witnessed.
51:18It was the first day of school.
51:19And,
51:21the strange thing was,
51:23though,
51:24about the third or fourth student
51:26who was offering commentary,
51:27she interrupted and said,
51:29wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
51:31Did I pee?
51:43Mary,
51:44there's a crater in the courtyard
51:48that you just did with your...
51:50Did I fucking pee?
51:51That's when I knew
51:52I had made the right decision
51:53to go to art school.
51:57True story.
52:01Now,
52:02you know,
52:02I wish it was all fun and games.
52:03After leaving art school,
52:04I sort of carried on
52:06in the long tradition
52:07of artistic life.
52:09I became a drug addict.
52:10But,
52:12after some protracted years
52:14of turbulence,
52:15I finally,
52:16I finally
52:18achieved my dream.
52:18Now,
52:19I had been applying
52:20to RuPaul's Drag Race
52:21for years.
52:22They have a very rigorous
52:24and involved
52:26application process
52:27where you have to submit
52:28so many materials.
52:29It's so arduous.
52:30And I think,
52:30for that reason,
52:31it's, you know,
52:31they weed out a lot of people
52:32who aren't that serious.
52:33But,
52:34finally,
52:35after I think
52:35five or six times,
52:37I got the call
52:38and I was just
52:40about to give up.
52:41I had actually
52:42already
52:43enacted plan B,
52:44which was
52:45to become
52:46a therapist.
53:02Right.
53:04Okay.
53:07Now,
53:08I am,
53:08I am so grateful
53:09that I was able to,
53:10you know,
53:11that both I
53:12and many,
53:13many mentally ill people
53:14in New England
53:14were able to dodge
53:15a bullet that day.
53:18But I finally got the call
53:19and I got on RuPaul's Drag Race.
53:21But when I was moving
53:22to Los Angeles recently,
53:23I came across
53:24all this old crap
53:25and in a box
53:26was old videotapes
53:28and some of these videotapes
53:30were the clips
53:31from the very first audition
53:32video I submitted
53:34for RuPaul's Drag Race.
53:34And I want to show you a clip.
53:36Is that okay?
53:36Okay.
53:45You have to realize
53:46this was before YouTube.
53:49There was no,
53:50there was no easy way
53:50to figure out
53:51how to do makeup.
53:51It was very spackle
53:53over sandpaper
53:53kind of trial and error.
53:56So the makeup
53:56application techniques
53:57are a bit primitive.
53:58However,
53:59I do believe
54:00that the charisma,
54:01the uniqueness,
54:02the so on and so forth
54:02are present.
54:03So please take a look
54:04at my very first
54:05audition videotape.
55:15Wait, that's the wrong clip.
55:16Oh, shit.
55:20I am so sorry.
55:24I tried out for the
55:25Boy Scouts of America.
55:27Oh, um...
55:30So we're almost
55:31at the end of the show,
55:32but it is clearly
55:34stipulated in my contract
55:35that since it is
55:36a comedy show,
55:36I have to tell a joke.
55:40So I'm going to take it,
55:41I'm taking this very seriously.
55:42I have a joke.
55:43I have one good joke
55:44and I'd love to tell it's you.
55:46Tonight,
55:46I've been practicing
55:47for about three and a half years
55:48and I'm going to watch
55:50a lot of YouTube clips
55:51about how to do stand-up
55:52and I'm going to do
55:54a little stand-up comedy
55:55right from over here.
55:56I'm just going to enter
55:57from this place
55:57to a stand-up comedy.
55:58I'm watching a lot
55:59of YouTube clips
56:00and I know exactly
56:00what I'm doing.
56:01Okay, Boston!
56:02Wah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
56:03Oh-ha-ha-ha-ha!
56:04Wah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
56:06Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
56:08Wow!
56:09Hey!
56:09Whoa!
56:10Hey, what is the deal with
56:11can you help me figure out?
56:12I have no idea.
56:13Ladies, ladies, ladies,
56:15LADIES!
56:18Here's the thing.
56:25Let me tell my joke.
56:30If I don't tell my joke,
56:32they won't let me off the stage
56:33and give me my money.
56:43Here's my joke.
56:57Okay.
56:59Ni hao maa?
57:00Oh.
57:02Shh.
57:03Ni hao maa?
57:04What did the gay necrophiliac say
57:06about his ex-lover?
57:10That rotten asshole
57:11split on me again.
57:13Oh.
57:14Boston, thank you so much!
57:16I love you!
57:17I love you!
57:18I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love
57:20you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I
57:22love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.
57:57Yes
57:58Yes
57:59Yes
58:02Yes
58:03Yes
58:04It
58:05Not
58:06Yes
58:08Yes
58:09Yeah
58:12Yes
58:12Yes
58:13Yes
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