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00:00I think 72% of girls don't do something because they're worried about the way that they look.
00:06There's a psychological phenomenon called the spotlight effect.
00:12In this week's episode, I have Roxy Nafuzi.
00:15She is a self-development coach, a speaker, and the queen of manifestation.
00:19Her newest book, Confidence, offering eight practical, powerful steps and tools
00:23to help you to stop doubting yourself.
00:25I've just started dating.
00:26Have you?
00:27And nothing brings out your insecurities like dating.
00:30Lack of confidence could also potentially come from self-obsession.
00:35And I'm saying this all from a personal point of view.
00:37There's such a feeling of empowerment when you are able to recognize what you need,
00:41what you won't stand for, and honoring yourself.
00:44I'm Radhi Di Blukia, and on my podcast, A Really Good Cry,
00:47we embrace the real, the messy, and the beautiful.
00:50Providing a space for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability
00:54and allow you to tune in to learn, connect, and find comfort together.
00:59Roxy, thank you so much for being on this podcast.
01:02I appreciate it so much, and I'm so happy that you're here.
01:05Oh, thank you so much for having me.
01:07I've honestly been so excited to see you.
01:09Me too.
01:10And for anybody who doesn't know, me and Roxy have known each other for how many years?
01:13Oh, God.
01:14A good few.
01:15A good few, yeah.
01:15And I feel like I've been such a fan of you online.
01:17And then when I got to meet you in person, I just felt that same genuine energy.
01:22And I felt like we just had been friends for such a long time.
01:24Yes.
01:25Yeah, me too.
01:26I've been reading your book, Confidence, and I have to say, it has been such a beautiful read.
01:31I felt like I got so many personal reflections from it.
01:35But even reading it as someone who was about to interview you, it made me think of how many
01:39people are going to benefit from it, but at every single age group.
01:43And I think sometimes in a book, that's really difficult to hit because usually you get a
01:47target audience.
01:48Yeah.
01:48But I feel like confidence is something you can struggle with from five years up till 95 years
01:53old.
01:53So thank you so much for creating this wonderful piece of art.
01:57Honestly, that means so much.
01:59And I think, you know, you're so right.
02:00When I think about confidence, I think the first thing that always comes to my mind is
02:05that the pursuit of confidence and the need for confidence is such a universal thing.
02:11And whenever I do workshops, you know, and I'm in front of a room of, let's say, thousands
02:16of people, and I always say to them, like, who here can honestly say that they are free
02:20of all self-doubt?
02:21Who is, like, truly confident in who they are?
02:24And nobody will raise their hand.
02:26And it's really funny because as humans, I think that we think that our insecurities
02:31or our journey with low self-worth is such a, like, solo pursuit.
02:35We think that we're the only ones in it.
02:38And yet the person next to us is battling the same things.
02:42We just don't tell each other enough.
02:43Yes.
02:44And so we don't realize that it's something that we're all in search of.
02:48It's so true.
02:49And with everything that you've been through in your life, and obviously you've just written
02:52a book on confidence, would you say at this point in your life, you feel like you're a
02:56confident person?
02:57Yeah.
02:58You know.
02:58That's so nice to be able to just say yes, you know, in that situation, in that question.
03:02Yeah.
03:03You know what?
03:04Honestly, Roddy, I really can't tell you how much I have loathed myself all of my life.
03:11And I don't remember.
03:13I think probably when I was, and I always say this, like, all kids, like, are born confident,
03:18right?
03:18And I talk about it in the book that kids generally, if you look at young children, they
03:22are full of self-worth.
03:24They're not self-conscious.
03:26Little kids are walking around the supermarket as Elsa or Superman.
03:29And they don't care who's watching.
03:31Like, they're so happy to express themselves in all the ways that they want.
03:35And then, essentially, like, life happens to us.
03:38And for whatever reason, whether it's because of our caregivers, our friends, our teachers,
03:44society, essentially, we all come to believe that we're not enough as we are.
03:48And I definitely came to that belief very, very early on.
03:52And because of a series of many, many different events, that belief was so compounded.
03:57And I lost all my sense of self.
04:00And I just felt so deeply unlovable.
04:03And spent my teen years trying to mold myself into what other people might want from me or
04:09what made me likable and still didn't figure it out.
04:13And then found drugs and alcohol, which is the quickest way to find false confidence.
04:18And that just made things worse, because then comes addiction and shame and guilt.
04:24And then when all that came away, when I was pregnant with Wolf, I had to suddenly give everything up.
04:31And what was revealed to me was the kind of depth of my self-loathing.
04:36And that really was the hardest time of my life, without doubt.
04:42It was, every day was like such a struggle to just get through to the next minute.
04:48And it was, it was literally for me like a mental prison.
04:51And it all came down to this like deep self-hatred.
04:55You know, I felt I was disgusting.
04:57I felt I was monstrous to look at.
04:59But I was a loser.
05:02I was, and it was just such a dark time.
05:05And I think I've only once ever talked about it.
05:09I won't go into like loads of detail now.
05:11But what I developed really, really severe body dysmorphia disorder,
05:15which is an anxiety disorder that is a form of OCD.
05:19So it's repetitive looping thoughts of like severe self-loathing.
05:24And there can be tracking behaviors.
05:25And BDD is something that I think is more common than people realize.
05:29But people are very scared to admit when they have it,
05:32because they think that it's about vanity.
05:34And it's not, it's an anxiety disorder,
05:35just in the same way you would have an OCD or, or an eating disorder.
05:42And the BDD is, for anyone that's experienced it, it is,
05:48I so was not expecting to speak about this, but anyway,
05:50it's so utterly exhausting.
05:52It's, it's, there's no, you, your brain doesn't stop.
05:56All you, all I thought about every minute of the day when I wasn't working
06:00was how disgusting I was.
06:02Really?
06:03And it plagued all my life.
06:05I stopped seeing friends.
06:06I stopped leaving the house.
06:08Even when we're in COVID and, you know,
06:09you can meet up with people for walks.
06:10I couldn't because in my head, if I met someone for a walk,
06:14all they would think about was how disgusting I was.
06:16And so, and I, I was convinced of it.
06:18So my journey to recovery and to finding self-worth,
06:23not just overcoming the body dysmorphia,
06:25but also feeling confident in who I was,
06:27was such an important one for me.
06:30Because as I was, you know, I'd launched Manifest,
06:34in my career, I was growing, I was succeeding,
06:37I had confidence in that,
06:39but there was still this hole within me
06:40where I didn't feel fully worthy.
06:43And I knew that, you know,
06:45for me, the crux of manifestation is self-worth.
06:47So for me to manifest as powerfully as I could,
06:49I needed to heal.
06:50So I, I made a really conscious decision
06:53that I needed to enjoy my life as much as possible.
06:57And I'd never be able to enjoy it
06:58if I didn't love myself, like, to the most that I could.
07:02So I went on this journey.
07:04And so now when I'm asked this question,
07:06like, are you confident?
07:07And I can't tell you how grateful and how proud I feel
07:12to be able to say yes.
07:13I actually really like who I am.
07:15And I really, for me,
07:17one of my definitions of confidence
07:19is being able to walk into any room
07:21completely and utterly yourself
07:23and walk out of that room,
07:24not worrying what everyone else thought about you.
07:26Yes, great definition.
07:27And I feel like now I can do that.
07:29I can walk into a room and it's a feeling.
07:32It's like a feeling of just like,
07:35you just feel grounded.
07:37Because you can walk in there with an ease
07:40because you're not preempting,
07:43what if this person doesn't like me?
07:45What if I mess up?
07:46You're just like, you know, I'm safe to be who I am
07:48and know that that's enough.
07:50So that was the longest answer ever.
07:51No, that was such a beautiful answer.
07:53Thank you for sharing all of that.
07:55And do you think that, you know, we spoke about,
07:57you said how children you believe are born with confidence
08:00and then things happen in life.
08:03Would you say for most people,
08:04it's a singular moment or do you think there's something
08:07in our mind that we start creating
08:10through the experiences that we're having?
08:11And what was it like for you?
08:13Was it a singular moment or was it,
08:15wow, there were so many things in my life
08:16that just kept knocking my confidence
08:18and I wasn't bouncing back from it?
08:20I think it can definitely be lots of moments put together.
08:23Look, for some people,
08:24there is one really significant trauma that happens
08:28that you could look back and say
08:31that was definitely the moment
08:32that like impacted how I felt about myself.
08:35But for most people, it's lots of little moments.
08:38It's something that somebody said at school
08:40across the playground.
08:41It's, you know, I think even as parents,
08:44I can talk about it in the book,
08:45parents can think they're doing something good.
08:47Like if they always tell their children
08:49that they're pretty
08:49or they always tell them that they're clever,
08:51actually that you can think that's a good thing,
08:54but actually the child then pins
08:55all their worthiness on that identity.
08:57So then they think, oh God, well, if I'm not clever
08:59or if I don't pass my exams, then what am I?
09:03Where have I got my worth from?
09:04So there's loads of different ways
09:06that it can happen, I think.
09:07And, you know, I think part of it is like,
09:11we are wired to need to belong.
09:14And from an evolutionary perspective,
09:16that was where our safety came from
09:18to be part of a tribe.
09:19And if I look at Wolf, you know,
09:21having kids is a great sort of like way
09:24way to like view our minds.
09:26It's an experiment, isn't it?
09:27It really is.
09:28And when he started school,
09:30I mean, he was about, just turned five
09:33and he refused to wear the Spider-Man hat I bought him.
09:36And I kept on being like, you love Spider-Man.
09:38Like I got you a Spider-Man hat for Sainsbury's.
09:40Why aren't you wearing it?
09:42And eventually he was like,
09:44I'm scared the other boys will laugh at me.
09:46And that, you know, where has he learned?
09:48That's not a learned thing.
09:50It just seems that somewhere as you start entering
09:53this new stage of life,
09:55we do start to become more aware
09:57of where we stand socially.
10:00And I think that's just part of evolution.
10:03I think that we all have it,
10:05but how that impacts us
10:07is depends on so many different factors.
10:10I was thinking when I was reading the book
10:11of the word confidence
10:12and I broke it down into confide in
10:16and what you were just saying,
10:17where you knew that to be able to actually show up
10:20in the world,
10:20you really had to love yourself
10:22and believe in yourself.
10:23And that's really, in my mind,
10:25I'm like, that's what confidence is,
10:26confiding in yourself.
10:27You should be able to look internally
10:30and think, I trust in my own voice.
10:32I trust in my own abilities.
10:33I believe in them.
10:34But I guess, how do you think
10:37you can differentiate between confidence
10:38and arrogance or confidence and being cocky?
10:42Oh my God, it's such a good question
10:45because I think that one of the barriers
10:47that we actually have to confidence
10:49is that we are afraid of coming across as arrogant.
10:53So true.
10:54And especially, I would say,
10:55this is very much for women.
10:57So I talk about it in step five,
11:00celebrate yourself.
11:01And it might be step six.
11:02I don't know.
11:03I can't remember.
11:03But in this step, celebrate yourself,
11:05I talk about this
11:06because what we've done is kind of across cultures,
11:11we really glorify humility, right?
11:15And being humble is one of the most desirable traits.
11:19You know, it's what makes you a good person or likable.
11:22And yes, being humble, of course,
11:25is a really important trait to have.
11:26We want to, it helps us to grow
11:29and it helps us to ground us, right?
11:34And be willing to become better people
11:38and to be kind to those around us.
11:40And being humble is good.
11:41But so often we take it too far
11:43and we become self-deprecating
11:45and we can't accept compliments
11:47and we can't accept praise from others
11:50and we can't praise ourselves
11:52and we can't speak highly of ourselves.
11:55We start small businesses
11:57and we're too scared to shout about it on social media.
11:59We pass our exams
12:01and we don't want to celebrate it
12:02because we just say it was luck.
12:04Or do you know what I mean?
12:05And so this like desire to be humble,
12:08kind of we take that too far.
12:09And then on the other hand,
12:11we have this great fear of becoming across as arrogant.
12:14And part of this, I think, is a bit of social conditioning
12:17because quite often confident people are labeled as arrogant
12:21or up themselves or cocky.
12:24And sometimes I think that's really doing a disservice
12:28to people who are confident.
12:29And really, I believe that those judgments
12:32come from probably a place of,
12:34it comes from a wound.
12:35You know, it comes from a place of,
12:37I kind of secretly maybe wish I had that confidence.
12:40And that's natural.
12:42And that's not to pass judgment on anyone.
12:43I've done it plenty of times
12:45where I've gone, oh, they're so arrogant.
12:46And actually, are they arrogant
12:48or am I just a little bit envious of their confidence?
12:50And actually, I can use that envy
12:52to show me what needs healing, right?
12:54To show me that what I want more of.
12:56But arrogance and confidence,
12:58and it's so important.
12:58I have a whole chart in the book to differentiate them.
13:01Like, they are not the same thing.
13:04Arrogance is really about needing to be the best in the room.
13:08It's about needing to see yourself as superior to others
13:12and needing to put others down to make yourself feel better.
13:16Confidence is knowing that you are a work in progress,
13:21but also being sure of who you are.
13:24It's about loving yourself whilst also being able to admit
13:28that you're not perfect and that being okay.
13:31And I think they're so, so different.
13:33And I often say, it's like,
13:35if you're worried about being arrogant,
13:37you're probably not.
13:38Because arrogant people don't have that self-awareness.
13:42So, yeah.
13:43And, you know, I think about when you were talking
13:45about going into a room
13:46and I find the people that end up wanting to shout the loudest
13:50or speak about themselves the most
13:52or say it in a way,
13:54you can always feel the energy behind what someone is saying.
13:57And I think when you end up trying to be humble,
14:00most people end up being falsely humble.
14:03But you can also feel that.
14:04When you're like, no, I don't really want you to compliment me.
14:07But really, most people do like compliments.
14:09And I think when you realize that your humility
14:13or what you keep saying negative about yourself
14:15is actually stopping your success,
14:17that's a sign that humility isn't actually working.
14:19Yeah.
14:20Because I find humility should be something
14:21that still helps you progress in your spiritual path,
14:24in your work, in every aspect of your life.
14:27But if you're being humble
14:29and it's stopping you from accepting,
14:32growing and becoming a better person,
14:34then you probably need to rethink and see
14:36maybe this isn't actually humility.
14:38And I need to rephrase how I say things.
14:40I think self-deprecating language is just so common.
14:43Totally.
14:44It's just constantly,
14:46even if someone compliments your outfit,
14:48somehow you find a reason to say,
14:50no, it's not really that good.
14:51It's like, oh yeah, I got it on sale.
14:52We were talking about it yesterday.
14:54We walked into,
14:55I was doing a recording in a Lucy.
14:57Someone said, oh, I love your boots.
14:59And she was like, oh, they're only Primark.
15:00Yeah, exactly.
15:01And someone else said, oh, you always do that.
15:03Stop saying that.
15:04Like just be,
15:05and so I have this like tool for people to use actually.
15:08So when people,
15:09and I share it both in manifest and confidence
15:11because I love it so much.
15:12But when people give you a compliment,
15:15how you respond is a really reflection
15:17of your relationship with humility and self-celebration.
15:20And so what I challenge people to do
15:22is when someone comes to you and they say,
15:24hey, you did amazing that presentation,
15:25or, oh my God,
15:27I loved that video you put on Instagram.
15:29I love, you look amazing today.
15:31Whatever it is,
15:32rather than pushing it away,
15:34you're saying, no, I didn't,
15:34or downplaying it.
15:35I want you to just pause,
15:37take it in,
15:38like really allow yourself to hear it
15:39and then respond with those two magical words.
15:42I know.
15:43Just say thank you.
15:44That's it.
15:44And it's so much less annoying also
15:46because you know when someone gives you a compliment
15:48and they're like, no, you don't.
15:48And then you have to be like, no, you do.
15:50Yes.
15:50It's like, oh my God,
15:51I shouldn't have bothered.
15:52It kind of doesn't allow the cycle
15:54of that conversation to be full circle.
15:58So, you know, when they say,
15:59if someone gives you a gift
16:00and you don't actually receive it well,
16:02the cycle of giving and receiving isn't completed.
16:05Yes.
16:05And so the person who is actually giving you something
16:07is giving it to you in excitement,
16:09whether it's something physical,
16:10whether it's words,
16:11or whether it's energy or emotion.
16:12And then if you literally push it away from yourself,
16:17you're essentially pushing away something
16:19that they're trying to give you.
16:20It's so true.
16:21It's like if you give someone a gift
16:22and they're like, oh, you shouldn't have.
16:24And you're like, do you know what?
16:25I would have loved you to just say thank you.
16:26Yeah, exactly.
16:27It would have been so nice.
16:28And you're right,
16:28because it's so exciting, gift giving.
16:30Yes.
16:31A compliment is a gift.
16:32Exactly.
16:32Yeah, yeah.
16:33I love that.
16:33That's so true.
16:34And the thing that you said about,
16:36I feel with confidence,
16:38so much of when I reflect in my life
16:40and I was reading the book,
16:41and I still think I'm working through
16:43a lot of the different things
16:45that allow me to feel full confidence
16:47in different areas of my life.
16:49But a big thing that changed it for me
16:51was when I started thinking about what I have,
16:54the skills, the attributes,
16:56the way that I look.
16:56Every single part of me
16:58has been a gift from God
17:00or from the universe to me.
17:02Yeah.
17:03And when you think of it like that,
17:04everything can feel,
17:05you can receive praise for it
17:06because you then don't have to necessarily take it on
17:09as this is me and it's building my ego
17:11and I'm going to become arrogant from it.
17:13You think, yeah, actually,
17:14I am so grateful for it.
17:16And so saying thank you and accepting it
17:18is actually you accepting it
17:19as a way of showing gratitude
17:22to whoever you feel has given it to you.
17:24I love that.
17:25That's so beautiful.
17:26And I think that helps with that mindset
17:27of changing it from,
17:29oh, no, don't compliment me.
17:30Oh, actually, yeah, I am so grateful for this.
17:33And so thank you so much for recognizing that in me.
17:36I love that.
17:37Do you have, you know,
17:38on the days that you,
17:40I'm sure confidence still ebbs and flows
17:41depending on what you're doing.
17:43And on those days
17:45that you're feeling a little bit lower,
17:46do you have like an SOS confidence kit?
17:49Like the things that you go to
17:50in the moments that you are finding yourself
17:53spiraling downwards
17:54or not feeling great about yourself?
17:55Do you know what else?
17:57I've just started dating.
17:58Have you?
17:59And nothing brings out your insecurities like dating.
18:02I know.
18:03Oh, my gosh.
18:04It's been a long time since I've been dating.
18:07And, you know,
18:09really the last time I was dating
18:10was like seven years ago, right?
18:12And like properly.
18:13Yeah.
18:14And who I am now
18:15is like so different to who I was then.
18:17So I'm in a much better place.
18:19I'm really independent.
18:21I'm like, you know,
18:22very like spiritually evolved
18:24since, you know, back then.
18:25And yet still I noticed like,
18:29oh gosh,
18:30like this feeling of like,
18:31am I enough is coming back.
18:33And so for me,
18:34it was really a lot for me.
18:36It's like on the days
18:37where I have those like wobbles.
18:39Firstly,
18:39it's about like really
18:41being aware of your thoughts
18:43and not attaching to them.
18:44So for me,
18:45what I used to do,
18:46I think,
18:46is have a thought attached to it
18:48and let it spiral.
18:49Whereas now I can be like,
18:51where is that thought coming from?
18:53Where is the not enoughness
18:55really coming from?
18:56And for me,
18:57this is like the first step
18:58of any change of self-development.
18:59And actually it's a constant practice.
19:01And so I'm really,
19:04I love like self,
19:05like dissecting my own past
19:07and giving myself
19:08that kind of therapy
19:09by journaling
19:10or just doing it in my thoughts
19:12and just saying,
19:13okay, yeah,
19:14actually what relationship
19:14am I taking myself back to?
19:17Yeah.
19:17And so that for me,
19:18it doesn't sound like
19:19a really simple tool,
19:20but it is when you're
19:20in the practice of it
19:21because you're just constantly
19:22being able to question
19:23your own thoughts
19:24rather than just like
19:25take them as facts.
19:26The other is that
19:29I genuinely have got myself
19:30into a practice
19:32of changing my inner voice
19:33from,
19:34I call it in the book,
19:34from the inner heckler
19:35to the inner cheerleader.
19:37And so I have this journal
19:40and every morning,
19:41one of the prompts,
19:42it's my manifest daily journal,
19:43one of the prompts is
19:44a motivational message
19:45from your higher self.
19:46Oh, that's lovely.
19:47And so this took practice.
19:48So at the beginning,
19:49I used to write like,
19:50you got this,
19:51you know what I mean?
19:51Like quite generic.
19:53And then I started writing
19:54things like,
19:55hey,
19:56you really deserve
19:57to feel the joy from today.
19:58You've worked so hard for this.
20:00Or I know you're feeling
20:02I'm a bit low today,
20:04but I promise this will pass
20:05and just remember
20:07how much you've achieved.
20:08And actually,
20:09I've got comfortable
20:10with that voice.
20:11And so much of change
20:13is about finding
20:14a new place of comfort
20:15with the way
20:16that you speak to yourself.
20:17And so it really is a practice.
20:19And so I'm always trying to think,
20:21what is like a kind of perspective
20:23or what is a kind of thing
20:25I could say to myself
20:26in this moment?
20:27And that's been really
20:28helpful for me.
20:29Do you think people
20:30always have to go backwards
20:31and figure out
20:32the root of their issues
20:34before being able
20:35to move forward?
20:36Yeah,
20:37I do actually
20:38because
20:39every meaning,
20:41all the meaning
20:41we attach to
20:42every experience we have
20:43is currently being viewed
20:45through a lens.
20:46And this lens
20:47is made
20:48murky
20:49from
20:50our current state of mind,
20:52our belief systems,
20:54our wounds,
20:55our past.
20:56And I truly believe
20:57that unless
20:58we
20:58process
21:00and figure out
21:01what
21:02lens
21:03we're looking at things through,
21:04we'll never be able
21:05to clear the way.
21:06Like we'll always be
21:07controlled by our past.
21:09You're kind of building
21:09on top of a broken foundation.
21:11100%.
21:12And I think that
21:14it is,
21:15I used to really be,
21:16oh,
21:17like what's the point
21:17in looking back?
21:18I just want to look forward.
21:19Yes.
21:20You just can't.
21:21No.
21:21It will always have a hold over you
21:23unless you let it go.
21:24Like even,
21:25I'll share an example with you.
21:26Okay.
21:26So I had this really stressful
21:28two weeks at work
21:29and part of the stress
21:30was coming from
21:31that some people
21:32really let me down at work
21:33and it made me feel
21:34so angry.
21:36I felt so frustrated.
21:38I felt so disappointed
21:39and all I wanted
21:40was an apology.
21:41I just wanted them
21:42to take accountability
21:43and I'm Aaliyah
21:44so I forgive instantly,
21:45right?
21:45Aaliyah is.
21:46Yeah.
21:46So if someone says sorry,
21:47forget.
21:48We're done.
21:48I'm over it.
21:49Move done.
21:50I don't care.
21:51I'm so forgiving
21:51but I really need people
21:53to take accountability
21:53and I was finding myself
21:54so stressed
21:55and so frustrated
21:57and I spoke to my therapist
21:59about it
21:59and she said to me,
22:01what really irritates you
22:02about people?
22:03And I said,
22:04the number one thing
22:04that irritates me
22:05is someone that can't
22:06take accountability
22:06for what they've done.
22:07And she said,
22:08when did this happen
22:09to you before?
22:10And instantly a memory
22:11came up of something
22:12that had happened to me
22:13when I was younger
22:14and this person
22:15had done something
22:16pretty awful to me
22:18and they never apologized.
22:20And me and this person
22:21never,
22:21we didn't speak
22:22for three months
22:23and three months later
22:24they started speaking
22:25to me again
22:26and just kind of pretended
22:27like nothing had happened.
22:28And I remember
22:29in that moment
22:29so strongly,
22:30I was about 12
22:31at the time
22:31thinking,
22:32I just lost respect
22:34for them
22:34but I felt,
22:35I can't believe
22:36you haven't just said sorry.
22:38And for me,
22:39what that meant
22:40was that my feelings
22:41didn't matter,
22:42that I didn't matter.
22:43I wasn't heard,
22:44I wasn't seen,
22:44I wasn't valued.
22:45The things that we need,
22:46right?
22:47So now as an adult,
22:48when somebody doesn't
22:49take accountability,
22:50I don't take it
22:52as what's happening now.
22:53I make it mean
22:54that I'm not being seen
22:56or heard
22:56and so it
22:58it stirs up
22:59such deep pain
23:01and emotion
23:02and so I'm not able
23:03to see the situation
23:04clearly
23:05because I'm focusing
23:06on the emotional
23:06like reaction to it
23:08that is from the past.
23:10As soon as I became
23:11aware of it,
23:12I was able to let it go.
23:14And so
23:15that is for me
23:17the power
23:17in looking back
23:19and working on your past.
23:21It becomes so heavy
23:22as well,
23:23doesn't it?
23:23Because if you think
23:24about carrying
23:25all those things
23:26that you have been
23:27accumulating
23:28of all the pain
23:29that you've taken in
23:30but not digested
23:31or the trauma
23:33that you've taken in
23:34but locked away somewhere,
23:35it's still in you
23:36but it's somewhere
23:37that's hidden away.
23:38Actually,
23:38if you think about it,
23:39you go through
23:39all these years
23:40and suddenly you realize
23:42you're carrying
23:43so much weight.
23:44Yeah.
23:45And then the heaviness
23:46of that one situation
23:47that you'd already been in,
23:48the weight of that
23:50is continued
23:51in the conversations
23:52you're then having.
23:53So everything feels
23:54even more intense,
23:55even more irritating.
23:57You get even angrier
23:58than you normally would have
23:59because it's not
24:00a new situation.
24:01It's an old situation
24:03that you've still got
24:03all that weight attached to.
24:05And so something
24:06that you wouldn't normally
24:06have such a deep reaction to,
24:08you end up wiling out
24:09because...
24:10It's what being triggered is, right?
24:11Exactly.
24:12And for people listening,
24:13because therapy I know
24:14can be really expensive,
24:15but people can do this
24:17on their own.
24:17So for anybody listening,
24:18what they can do is,
24:19why don't you just,
24:20for a moment,
24:21you could get a journal
24:22or a notepad and pen now,
24:23you could pause this
24:24and just consider
24:25what are the patterns
24:27that are currently present
24:28in your life?
24:29Like what keeps coming up for you?
24:30What issues,
24:32what situations
24:34that piss you off
24:35or make you sad
24:36or make you angry?
24:37And can you recognize
24:38any patterns within them,
24:40like within those situations?
24:42And then just look at,
24:44when did I first experience
24:45something like this?
24:46And it can be as simple as that.
24:48And I really do say,
24:49like that letting go,
24:50that process,
24:51it is just having the awareness.
24:54I don't know how,
24:55but it releases something.
24:56It's also being aware
24:57of what is this actual emotion?
24:59Because I feel like
25:00we have such small
25:01emotional vocabulary
25:02where it's like,
25:02this is making me angry.
25:03And then I read somewhere
25:04that anger is just
25:05a secondary emotion.
25:06So what are you actually feeling?
25:08Yes.
25:08What is the emotion
25:09you're actually feeling?
25:10What is it digging up
25:11inside of you,
25:12linked back to,
25:13oh, it makes me feel
25:13unworthy, unheard.
25:15It makes me feel like
25:16nobody's supporting me.
25:17It makes me feel like
25:17no one's listening to me.
25:18I don't feel intelligent
25:20in this room
25:20because of something
25:21that someone said.
25:22Yes.
25:23Whatever the deeper rooted
25:24feeling is,
25:25go beyond the,
25:26oh, I'm so angry right now.
25:28Because,
25:29okay, you're angry,
25:30but where has the anger
25:31actually come from?
25:32Because if it's
25:33a secondary emotion,
25:34there's somewhere deeper
25:34that you need to go.
25:36Absolutely.
25:36You spoke about dating
25:38and one thing
25:39I've been surrounded by
25:40at the moment
25:41are my friends
25:41who really struggle
25:43in dating situations
25:44to say no
25:44and set boundaries.
25:46And when you were
25:47saying that,
25:48I was like,
25:48I guess it is linked
25:49to confidence
25:49because your ability
25:50to say no
25:51and set boundaries
25:52is you being able
25:53to trust
25:54in your personal self
25:56and knowing that
25:57saying no is okay.
25:59And if they leave,
26:00if they decide
26:00that they don't want
26:01to go on a second date,
26:02if they decide
26:02that they don't want
26:03to be with you,
26:04that's a sign
26:05that they're not supposed to.
26:06But saying no
26:07seems to be something
26:08that women
26:09specifically struggle
26:10with so much,
26:11whether it's in relationships
26:12or in friendships
26:13and the boundaries
26:14being put up.
26:16What kind of recommendations
26:18or advice
26:19do you give to someone
26:20who's struggling
26:20to put up boundaries?
26:22Well, I think it all
26:23comes down to fear
26:24of rejection.
26:25Okay, so it's all
26:26really the fear is
26:28if I set a boundary,
26:30this person will leave me.
26:31Yes.
26:32And that fear
26:34of rejection,
26:34by the way,
26:34is very real.
26:35And again,
26:36be kind to yourself
26:37about that
26:38because that's
26:39an evolutionary response.
26:40The feeling of being rejected
26:41from your tribe
26:42would mean
26:43that you would be unsafe
26:45and that would create
26:45feelings of anxiety.
26:46So it's a very real thing.
26:48And so I think firstly,
26:49just be kind to yourself
26:50by recognizing that
26:52it is causing
26:53a very real response.
26:54But I think that
26:56it's these,
26:57with boundary setting,
26:58I think it's really
26:59like chicken and egg
27:00because we can only
27:02gain confidence,
27:03well, not only,
27:04but one of the ways
27:04that we gain confidence
27:05and self-worth
27:06is by setting boundaries.
27:07Because there is so much,
27:09there is such a feeling
27:10of empowerment
27:11when you are able
27:13to recognize
27:13what you need,
27:14what you won't stand for
27:16and honoring yourself
27:18and trusting
27:19that you are worth
27:20being honored.
27:21Like that is so,
27:23it's such a great feeling.
27:24Anybody that's ever
27:25set a boundary
27:25will know how good it feels.
27:27When you just say,
27:29do you know what,
27:29actually I'm not available
27:30for that.
27:30Yeah.
27:31It is the best feeling.
27:34But the more confident
27:35that you are,
27:36also the easier
27:37it is to do that.
27:39So you're kind of
27:39working on these things
27:40all the time.
27:41That's why these
27:41six steps of confidence
27:45that I lay out
27:46in my book,
27:46you really work
27:47on them simultaneously
27:48and boundary setting
27:49is part of that.
27:50But I think
27:50with dating specifically,
27:52the reason that
27:53that boundary setting
27:53is so hard
27:54is because,
27:55I mean,
27:56there's so many reasons,
27:57but some of them
27:58are that,
27:58you know,
27:59basically that what
28:00we've learned
28:00about whether we love
28:01starts from so young,
28:02right?
28:03From, you know,
28:03the way that we're,
28:04the relationships
28:05that we have
28:05with our caregivers
28:06or parents.
28:07Yeah.
28:07So that is like
28:07really deep within us
28:09to feel like we are,
28:11most of us,
28:12most of us
28:13didn't have
28:14unconditional love,
28:16right,
28:16growing up.
28:17It's like,
28:17it is conditional.
28:18It's,
28:18if you are good,
28:19you are lovable,
28:21right?
28:21And that's not
28:22to blame our parents
28:23or our caregivers.
28:24It's just how they were
28:26taught to parent as well.
28:27And so it's very hard
28:30for us as adults
28:30to then believe
28:31that we are
28:32worthy of
28:33unconditional love.
28:34And I think that
28:37also there's society
28:38and our friends
28:39where you're constantly
28:40hearing the narrative,
28:42it's so hard
28:42to meet someone.
28:44Yes.
28:44How many times
28:46do you hear people
28:47say that?
28:48It's so hard
28:49to meet someone
28:49these days.
28:50Oh yeah.
28:51Nobody meets someone.
28:51And it is trickier.
28:53That's true.
28:54But the more
28:55that we're saying it
28:55to each other,
28:56the more that we're
28:58kind of convincing
28:59ourselves that there's,
29:00we're in the scarcity mindset.
29:01So well,
29:02if I set a boundary
29:03and I don't have this person,
29:05where the hell
29:06am I going to meet
29:06anyone else?
29:07Right?
29:07So then you're stuck
29:08in this like,
29:09well,
29:09I'll just take
29:10what I can get
29:10rather than actually
29:11being able to say,
29:13no,
29:14I know I'm worth
29:15more than this
29:15and I'm going to wait.
29:16And that's what
29:16step four of
29:18my manifesting process,
29:19overcome tests of,
29:20overcome tests
29:21from the universe
29:22is really all about this.
29:23I truly believe
29:24that we won't meet
29:25our one
29:26until we are able
29:28to say no
29:29to what isn't right
29:29for us.
29:30And as long as
29:31we are allowing
29:33someone to treat us
29:35with any level
29:36of disrespect
29:37or,
29:39you know,
29:40anything that really
29:40isn't reflective
29:42of what you actually want,
29:43we won't be able
29:44to create space
29:45for what you do
29:45want to enter your life.
29:47That makes so much sense.
29:48It's like,
29:48you're already holding
29:49things in your hands.
29:50So how do you expect
29:51the God
29:52or universe,
29:54it's ready for you
29:55but if you don't
29:55let go of
29:56what's not for you,
29:57you don't have
29:57the hands to catch
29:58what is for you
29:59or even the eyes
29:59to recognize
30:00that it is that.
30:01Even if you're being
30:02sent all the signs,
30:03all the signals,
30:03I was just this morning
30:04listening to
30:07the audiobook
30:08of Conversations
30:08with God.
30:09Have you read that?
30:10No.
30:10I was just going
30:11to the first chapter
30:12but it was so beautiful
30:14because he was
30:15talking about how,
30:16he was asking God,
30:17okay,
30:17but how do I know
30:18you're talking to me?
30:19Universe,
30:19how do I know
30:20that you're speaking
30:20to me?
30:21And God said,
30:22I'm literally sending
30:23signs and signals
30:24all the time.
30:25I am showing you not,
30:26he goes,
30:26words are actually
30:27the lowest form
30:29of communication.
30:30Words are actually
30:31the lowest,
30:32most unreliable
30:34form of communication
30:35but actually
30:36through the way
30:37that you actually feel,
30:38through the way
30:39people behave around you,
30:41through the tiny things
30:43that happen in your day,
30:44those are the indications
30:45that I'm communicating
30:46with you.
30:47But you need the eyes
30:48to be able to see it,
30:49the hands to receive it
30:50and I just thought
30:51that's so true,
30:53right?
30:53Like the signs
30:54are being shown
30:55to us all the time
30:56but we have to know
30:57when to let go
30:58and when to receive
30:59and that comes with,
31:02I see confidence
31:03as alignment as well
31:04because the more
31:05that you feel
31:06that you are
31:06spiritually connected
31:07or in alignment
31:08with the universe
31:09around you
31:09or with God,
31:10the more you're able
31:11to receive those signals
31:12and the more you know
31:13that they are
31:14the trusted source.
31:15But to get there
31:17you obviously have
31:17to build self-trust
31:18and so what were
31:19some of the tools
31:20and techniques
31:21that you have used
31:21in your life
31:22to actually build trust
31:23in your own voice
31:24and your own capabilities?
31:26I think it's such
31:27a good point.
31:28So self-trust for me
31:29is really being able
31:30to trust your own word
31:32and trust in your decision making
31:33and they're kind of
31:34two separate things.
31:35So in terms of trusting
31:36your own word,
31:37I think that it's really important
31:39that you do the things
31:40that you say you'll do
31:41and for me this is like
31:42really foundational
31:43to confidence
31:45if you are saying
31:46to yourself
31:47I'm going to go
31:48to the gym tomorrow.
31:50I'm going to finish
31:51this task.
31:52I'm not going to drink tonight.
31:53Whatever it is,
31:54if you are saying
31:55those things to yourself
31:56and you're not doing them
31:57then it's how are you
31:58going to learn
31:58to trust yourself?
32:00And so it really is about,
32:02that's why I think
32:02self-discipline
32:03is a form of self-respect
32:04and self-love
32:05because you need
32:07to start following through
32:08with your own word.
32:08just in the same way
32:10that if you had someone
32:11in your life
32:11that never did the things
32:13they say they'd do,
32:14you'd stop trusting them.
32:15You'd lose respect for them
32:16and so you have to
32:17treat yourself
32:18with the same kind of standards.
32:21The next thing
32:22is decision making.
32:23So I think that
32:24particularly when we have
32:25low self-worth,
32:26we often turn to the people
32:27around us
32:28to help us make
32:28all our decisions.
32:30So you might call your mom,
32:32what should I have
32:32for lunch today?
32:33Or I don't know what to do.
32:35Should I post this
32:36on Instagram?
32:36Should I stay in this job?
32:38Should I break up
32:39with my boyfriend?
32:40We ask the people around us
32:41to help us make
32:42all our decisions.
32:44And actually,
32:45I think that
32:46being able
32:47to make our own decisions
32:50is like one of the
32:51quickest ways
32:52to building that self-trust
32:53and self-confidence.
32:55And so how do we do that?
32:57I often talk about
32:58us being able
33:00to visualize
33:00our higher self, right?
33:02So if you were to sit
33:03and think about
33:04who is the best you
33:05that you could be
33:06and visualize
33:07that version of yourself,
33:08and think about
33:09what does that version
33:09of you do day to day?
33:11How do they feel
33:11about themselves?
33:12How do they walk
33:13into a room?
33:14What are they attracting
33:14into their life?
33:16And then I want you
33:17to use that higher self
33:18as your decision maker.
33:19So before every decision
33:21you make,
33:22instead of asking
33:22your friend what to do,
33:23you can ask yourself,
33:25what would my higher self do?
33:27And it's such an amazing,
33:29it's like a filter
33:30for you,
33:31so that your decision filter
33:32that will help you
33:33to make more
33:34empowering decisions
33:36and gain that confidence
33:37on the way.
33:38Because then you also
33:39don't get stuck
33:39in the temporary feelings
33:41that you have.
33:42It's like my friends
33:43always text me,
33:44like 12 saying,
33:44should I text him?
33:45And I'm like,
33:46make that decision
33:47in the morning.
33:47Yeah, yeah.
33:48Don't do that right now
33:49because what emotion
33:50you are feeling right now
33:52will not be the same
33:53as what you're feeling
33:53in the morning.
33:54And so that's obviously
33:55such a small example,
33:56but thinking of
33:58what would my higher self do?
33:59It's almost like thinking
34:00into the future,
34:00if you will.
34:01It's saying,
34:01oh, okay,
34:02how will I feel
34:04about myself
34:05in an hour's time?
34:07Or if I was looking
34:08at myself
34:08from an outside point of view,
34:10what would make me feel happy
34:11in the decision
34:12that I made in that moment?
34:13Exactly.
34:14And I want to kind of
34:14go back to addiction
34:16just a little bit
34:17because I find
34:19for many of my friends
34:20as well
34:21that have been through
34:22difficulty in confidence
34:23or lack of self-worth,
34:26it's so interesting
34:27how addiction
34:28plays such a big role
34:30in that,
34:30in whichever way,
34:31whether it's alcohol,
34:33drugs,
34:34sex,
34:35whatever it is.
34:35Yeah, yeah.
34:36People's natural instinct
34:38is to go towards
34:39something that suppresses
34:41and gives temporary satisfaction,
34:43even though the pain
34:44is greater after.
34:45So after,
34:47I know Wolf was the reason
34:48you ended up giving up,
34:49but what did you do
34:50in those struggling moments
34:51where you were going
34:52to turn to addiction
34:53if you had any moments
34:54like that?
34:54And what were the things
34:55that actually stopped you?
34:56Because I find
34:57that's the hardest moment
34:58to make those decisions in.
35:00Do you know,
35:00it's really interesting.
35:01I mean,
35:01I think ultimately
35:02what we're looking to do
35:03is escape, right?
35:04And escape from the pain
35:05of being ourselves.
35:06And that's definitely
35:07what I was doing
35:07for a long time.
35:10And when I had Wolf,
35:13when I gave everything up
35:14during pregnancy,
35:15I have to say
35:16it was unbelievably hard.
35:18Giving up smoking
35:19was one thing.
35:20Giving up drugs
35:21for me
35:22was horrendously difficult.
35:26All I wanted to do
35:27was just go out
35:29and take drugs
35:29and it felt really hard.
35:30And actually,
35:31at the time
35:32of being pregnant,
35:33I was like,
35:33oh, when I have Wolf,
35:34I'm just going to go back to it.
35:36Like, I really wanted to
35:37at that point.
35:38I thought that's what
35:38I would do.
35:40But what happened was
35:42during my pregnancy,
35:43I started figuring out
35:45what my purpose was.
35:46I started to figure out
35:47what I wanted to do
35:47after I had Wolf.
35:48And straight after I had Wolf,
35:50I started to turn
35:50my life around.
35:51And within five months,
35:52I'd basically started
35:53my career,
35:54which was I started
35:55with hosting workshops.
35:57What kept me
35:58from going back to drugs
36:01wasn't necessarily
36:02being a mom,
36:03if I'm honest.
36:03It was that I found
36:04a purpose.
36:05And that I found
36:06something worth waking up
36:07for the next day.
36:08Yeah.
36:08And something that was
36:09giving me a sense
36:10of self-worth.
36:11I felt like being
36:13of service to others
36:14was my reason for being.
36:16And that all the pain
36:17I'd been in before
36:18was so that I could
36:19connect with others.
36:20And that feeling
36:22of being of service,
36:24that feeling of
36:25having something
36:26that was greater than me
36:28became my anchor.
36:30And that was the start
36:33of my confidence journey,
36:34really.
36:34And that's why step seven
36:35of confidence
36:37is be of service.
36:38Right.
36:39I think people
36:40underestimate
36:40how being of service
36:43can actually impact
36:45our own feeling
36:46of being valuable
36:48in the world
36:49and feeling like
36:50we are, yeah,
36:51feeling we are of value.
36:52And I think it's
36:53so important.
36:54And that can be
36:56in any way.
36:57It can be through
36:59charitable work,
37:00volunteering,
37:01through what you do.
37:02But it can also
37:02just be through
37:03how you support
37:04the people close to you,
37:05your family,
37:06your friends.
37:06It doesn't have to be,
37:08like, it really
37:09can be anything.
37:10But just knowing
37:11that we can help others,
37:14I think it's just
37:15so integral.
37:16Yeah, when I read
37:16that part of the book,
37:19every time I think
37:20about service,
37:21I think about
37:22it's just an opportunity
37:23to get yourself
37:24out of your own mind
37:25and into someone else's life
37:27or into someone else's
37:29pain or discomfort.
37:30And you also feel
37:31more useful
37:32in that situation,
37:33which helps with
37:34the purpose aspect of it.
37:35But it also made me
37:37think about how
37:38confidence
37:39or lack of confidence
37:40could also
37:41potentially come from
37:42self-obsession
37:43in a certain way.
37:44And the reason
37:46I thought that was
37:46because when you end up
37:48obsessing over yourself
37:49so much,
37:50obsessing over
37:51how people see you,
37:52obsessing over
37:52looking in the mirror
37:5330, 40, 50 times
37:55before you go out
37:56of the house,
37:57obsessing over
37:57what you're wearing
37:58and what other people
37:59are thinking.
37:59And I'm saying this
38:00all from a personal
38:00point of view
38:01because I used to,
38:03it actually really
38:04messed up mine
38:04and Jay's relationship
38:05at the beginning
38:06because I was so
38:07insecure of
38:08every part of my body.
38:10Why am I crying?
38:14Why am I crying?
38:18You're okay.
38:19Yeah,
38:19this is a really good
38:19cry for a reason.
38:21Yeah,
38:21I was so insecure
38:22that every time
38:23we would go out,
38:24I would,
38:25the thing I'd be
38:26obsessing over
38:26was before we'd
38:27left the house,
38:28I would be like,
38:29oh,
38:29does this look weird
38:29on me?
38:30Or every part
38:31of our conversation
38:32would be based
38:33around that I'm crying
38:33because I was like,
38:34how sad it was
38:35back then
38:36that it ruined
38:36so much of my
38:37experience
38:38of the relationship,
38:40of the experience
38:41of going to
38:42wherever we were going
38:42and it was so
38:43interesting to me
38:44because it went on
38:45four years
38:46from such a young age,
38:47probably because
38:48I grew up overweight
38:49and I was just
38:49always obsessing
38:50over that,
38:51but how it was
38:53purely through
38:53self-obsession
38:54of the thought
38:55that other people
38:56are going to be
38:56thinking about
38:57all of this stuff
38:58to do with me
38:58when really people
38:59are just thinking
38:59about themselves
39:00and so the
39:02obsessiveness
39:03of constantly
39:04thinking people
39:06are thinking about me,
39:07people are looking
39:07at me,
39:08people are doing
39:09all these things
39:09and it's all
39:10to do with me
39:11has destructive
39:12tendencies,
39:13like it really
39:14is so destructive
39:15to the conversations
39:16you can have
39:17with people
39:17even when you
39:17interact with them.
39:18I could be thinking
39:19right now,
39:20oh my god,
39:20I wonder if she's
39:21looking at me
39:21and what she thinks
39:22about my makeup
39:23for example
39:24or I could be
39:25listening to what
39:25you are saying
39:26and participating
39:27in this conversation
39:28and I just find
39:29it makes me sad
39:30for other people
39:31thinking
39:32there's so many
39:33people who go
39:34through that
39:34where it strips
39:36them and takes
39:37away their ability
39:38to actually
39:38connect,
39:39communicate
39:40and live
39:41in present
39:42moment with people
39:43and I think
39:44it's such a
39:45difficult place
39:45to get out of
39:46as well.
39:47I think having
39:47obviously a partner
39:48who's so supportive
39:49and was like
39:51repeating himself
39:51over and over again
39:52but eventually
39:53being like
39:53I really want you
39:55to care about
39:56yourself
39:56and love yourself
39:57because I see you
39:58and I think
39:58you're this,
39:59this and this
39:59but you don't see it
40:00and that's
40:01nothing else matters.
40:03How other people
40:03obviously you
40:03makes no difference
40:04and so I think
40:05creating these
40:08tools and techniques
40:09like you've got
40:09in both your books
40:10I think it's just
40:11so important
40:12because the whole world
40:13just seems so sadder
40:14than happy
40:15don't you think?
40:17I agree
40:17and thank you
40:17for sharing that.
40:19I didn't expect
40:19to do that either
40:20but
40:20I think it's like
40:23so amazing
40:24to experience
40:25that kind of emotion
40:25and when
40:26it's compassion
40:27it's like
40:28feeling like
40:30sad for
40:31the old you
40:32and like
40:32also
40:33I think
40:34sometimes
40:34it's also
40:36really touching
40:37to see how far
40:38you've come
40:38sometimes
40:39and remind yourself
40:40and
40:41it is really sad
40:43that we waste
40:44so much of our lives
40:45worried about
40:46what everyone else
40:47thinks of us
40:47and I think
40:48there's a stat
40:49in the beginning
40:49of the book
40:50that Dove did
40:51which is
40:52I think 72%
40:54of young girls
40:56don't do something
40:58because they're worried
40:59about the way
40:59that they look
40:59so they're like
41:00genuinely missing out
41:02on their life
41:03so much of their life
41:04and
41:04there's a
41:06psychological phenomenon
41:07called the spotlight effect
41:08which is literally
41:09where we assume
41:10that other people
41:11are focusing
41:11on the things
41:12that we notice
41:13so if we've got a spot
41:14we're convinced
41:15that everybody's
41:15staring at it
41:16or if we're
41:17messing up in gym
41:18we think
41:18that someone's
41:20watching us
41:20and nobody is
41:21we are not
41:23the main character
41:24of anyone else's story
41:26nobody's
41:26I would say
41:27in the book
41:28nobody's tuning in
41:29to the next episode
41:29of the series
41:30of my life
41:30no one gives a f***
41:32they really don't
41:33and I think
41:33as soon as you
41:34start living life
41:35that way
41:35I had this lady
41:36called Liz Moody
41:37on my podcast
41:38and she had
41:39something in her book
41:39that really changed it
41:40for me
41:41where she said
41:42she was really conscious
41:43because she felt
41:44really uncomfortable
41:44in a swimsuit
41:45and so her whole family
41:47went away on holiday
41:48and they all were
41:49in the ocean
41:50she was like
41:50there's no way
41:51I'm getting in the ocean
41:52because
41:53my thighs look like this
41:54people are going to be
41:55thinking
41:55why is she even
41:56in the ocean
41:56why is she even
41:57wearing that swimsuit
41:58she was sitting there
41:59sitting there
41:59on the beach
42:00thinking that constantly
42:01while she was watching
42:02her whole family
42:04enjoyed themselves so much
42:05and suddenly she was like
42:06when I'm 80 years old
42:08am I going to be
42:09sitting there thinking
42:09thank goodness
42:10those people
42:11didn't see my cellulite
42:11or am I going to be
42:13remembering
42:13feeling the ocean
42:14on my skin
42:15and feeling the sun
42:17and laughing
42:18with my family
42:19and am I going to
42:19remember those laughs
42:20for the rest of my life
42:21and she goes
42:22in that moment
42:23I took off my sarong
42:24and I ran into that ocean
42:25and I remember that story
42:28and I share it so much
42:29because that is literally
42:31how we live most of our life
42:33I'm not going to dance
42:34with my friends
42:34because I'm not going to dancing
42:35I'm not going to go out
42:37and wearing that thing
42:38I want to wear
42:39because my thighs
42:40don't look like that person's
42:42and I think jealousy
42:44moving on to something
42:45that I think
42:46is another part
42:47of lack of confidence
42:48which is jealousy
42:49how in your life
42:50have you
42:51dealt with feeling
42:53emotions of jealousy
42:54of other women
42:54or other people
42:55in your life
42:56and what are some tools
42:57that you've used
42:58to navigate that
42:59so
43:00I think envy
43:02is a really
43:02it's a core emotion
43:04right
43:04yeah
43:04we have it from
43:05like children
43:06honestly like
43:08I want that toy
43:08Wolf cannot stand
43:09to see his cousin
43:11Adam
43:11even look
43:13at one of his toys
43:14really
43:14like oh my gosh
43:16yeah
43:16and you learn
43:17that it is a core emotion
43:18but as adults
43:19we have so much shame
43:20around it
43:21like we don't want
43:21to admit that we're jealous
43:22but it's normal
43:23to feel jealous
43:24right
43:25and I think that
43:26the first
43:27for me
43:28I know that
43:29what I used to feel
43:31really jealous of
43:32was people
43:34on Instagram
43:35looking like happy
43:37right
43:37and playful
43:38playful
43:39and fun
43:40because I was in
43:40such a deep depression
43:41for all my life
43:42that when I see people
43:44on social media
43:45just being like
43:45carefree
43:46yeah
43:47I'd be like
43:48oh my god
43:49like I would crave it
43:51like it would make me
43:52feel so shit about myself
43:53yeah
43:54and I really struggled
43:56I think
43:56on
43:57with social media
43:58because I just didn't
43:59have any confidence
44:00myself
44:00and I think that
44:01the thing with envy
44:02or is that
44:03it's most
44:04if we feel it the most
44:06in the areas of our life
44:07where we feel the most insecure
44:09but I have a whole step
44:10on like
44:11how to stop comparing yourself
44:12to others
44:13and I have lots of tools
44:14in the book
44:14about how to do that
44:16and I've used them
44:18lots myself
44:19so one of them
44:20is
44:21one that
44:22is turn envy
44:23into inspiration
44:24so allow people
44:25to really like
44:26show you what's possible
44:27rather than being
44:29being in this
44:30scarcity mindset
44:31where if someone
44:31has something
44:32that might be less
44:32for you
44:33it's in fact
44:33allowing someone else
44:34to show you
44:34what's possible
44:35so being able
44:36to watch your envy
44:37recognize when it
44:37props up
44:38and say
44:38what is this
44:39showing me
44:39is possible
44:40or what is it
44:40showing me
44:41I need to heal more
44:42right
44:42in myself
44:43but there's a few
44:44other tools
44:44that I love
44:45one of them
44:45is all about
44:46changing your perspective
44:48so I often think
44:49about if you
44:50I describe the situation
44:51of like
44:51if you're in a car
44:52and if you're in a line
44:53of traffic
44:54and if you're in a line
44:56of traffic
44:56and you were to look
44:57in your rear view
44:58well if you
44:59you could be in
44:59sorry
45:00imagine that you're
45:01in a line of traffic
45:01and you're looking
45:02ahead at all the people
45:03ahead of you
45:03and you're like
45:03oh my god
45:04I wish I was up
45:04at the front
45:05but if you took
45:07a moment
45:07to look
45:08at your rear view
45:08mirror
45:09and you saw
45:09all the line
45:10of traffic
45:10behind you
45:11you might
45:12actually be able
45:12to just be like
45:12do you know what
45:13I'm so grateful
45:14for where I am
45:15and it's called
45:16basically there's
45:17something called
45:17upward comparison
45:18and downward comparison
45:19and upward comparison
45:20is where we tend
45:21to look at people
45:22that we perceive
45:22as better than us
45:23and this can be
45:23quite damaging
45:24for our self-esteem
45:25if done too much
45:26some is nice
45:27because it can push us
45:28right
45:29it can push us
45:29to do better
45:30and to grow
45:31and to strive for more
45:31but it can have
45:32a negative effect
45:33and we do it too much
45:34and we're constantly
45:34thinking that everyone
45:35else is better than us
45:36downward comparison
45:38it's not about
45:38looking at people
45:39as if we are above them
45:41but it's about
45:42understanding
45:42that we are
45:43fortunate for where we are
45:45because there are people
45:46that don't have
45:46what we have yet
45:47and so this is actually
45:49that's where you have
45:50a kind of healthy
45:51level of comparison
45:52where you can have
45:52a little bit of both
45:54so being able to just like
45:55sit back
45:56and just say
45:57actually I'm so grateful
45:58how far I've come
45:58and do you know
46:00I'm in such a fortunate position
46:01because look
46:02you know
46:03by making some
46:04downward comparisons
46:04can be really helpful
46:05another thing that I love
46:07is consider what you don't know
46:09so when we see
46:11somebody's
46:12something that someone has
46:13that we're jealous of
46:14we are just seeing
46:15that one
46:15small part of their life
46:17but consider what
46:19you don't know about them
46:20all their challenges
46:21their traumas
46:22their difficulties
46:23that you can't see
46:24and then ask yourself
46:25would I really trade
46:26my entire life for this
46:28and the answer is
46:29always no
46:29right
46:30you'd rather
46:30you know
46:31rather the devil
46:32you know
46:32but you know
46:34wouldn't you rather
46:35your own challenges
46:36and your own
46:36you know
46:38but everything that you have
46:40you wouldn't trade
46:40all of that
46:41just for one part
46:42of someone else's life
46:43that's so true
46:44and I always find
46:45jealousy sometimes
46:46comes out
46:46brings out
46:48the worst
46:49words
46:49and worst thoughts
46:50in your mind as well
46:51where you become
46:52so much more critical
46:52about other people
46:53because you kind of
46:54don't want them to succeed
46:55like jealousy
46:56turns into this desire
46:57of
46:57oh they can't really
46:58be that good
46:59or there must be
47:00a flaw in something there
47:01yeah
47:02so do you think
47:03you can be
47:03critical of others
47:05but still have confidence
47:06or do you think
47:07there has to be a
47:08disconnect between the two
47:10look I think as humans
47:11I'm not going to sit here
47:12and say we never judge anyone
47:13this is not possible
47:15but
47:16would I say
47:17that the majority
47:18of the time
47:19I see the best in people
47:20yes
47:20I think that
47:22I don't care to
47:24because I feel confident
47:25in who I am
47:26I'm not
47:27why would
47:29why would it matter to me
47:30if someone wants to
47:31express themselves
47:32in this way or that
47:33like good free
47:34everyone should be free
47:35to be who they are
47:36and I think that
47:36really comes from confidence
47:38and I definitely
47:38would say that
47:39those feelings of comparison
47:41or envy
47:42that I experienced before
47:43are much much much
47:45much much less
47:46yes
47:46not to say that
47:47I don't sometimes
47:48have the odd moment
47:49with a friend
47:50where we're like
47:50you know
47:51we're human
47:52it happens sometimes
47:53but if it does
47:55I'm also
47:55but majority
47:56of the time
47:57I will always
47:58give people
47:58the benefit
47:59of the doubt
47:59and if I notice
48:01myself feeling
48:01jealous of someone
48:02it's like
48:03oh
48:04okay
48:04what is that
48:06showing me
48:07yeah what is it
48:07that I want
48:07in my life
48:08and then quickly
48:08changing it
48:09you know
48:09I really think
48:10being happy
48:11for other people
48:11is such an amazing
48:13and wonderful
48:14quality to have
48:15so I always
48:16wherever possible
48:16celebrate other
48:17people's success
48:18yeah whenever I used
48:19to get jealous
48:19of other people
48:21the first thing
48:21I would try and do
48:22is compliment them
48:22in my mind
48:23yeah
48:23or even out loud
48:24because as soon
48:25as I get a negative
48:26thought about them
48:27I'm like okay
48:27but what is it
48:28about them
48:28that I truly
48:30admire
48:30yeah
48:30because there's
48:31always admiration
48:32that's tucked
48:33into jealousy
48:33because obviously
48:34you want what
48:35that person has
48:35definitely
48:36and so
48:36trying to turn
48:38that jealousy
48:39into words of
48:39admiration
48:40or appreciation
48:41ends up being
48:42really useful
48:43in those moments
48:43too
48:45you wrote in the book
48:46that confidence
48:46is built through
48:47action not affirmation
48:48could you explain
48:49a little bit about
48:50what you mean by that
48:51so I say that
48:52like actions speak
48:52louder than words
48:53so sometimes
48:54someone can show you
48:54they love you
48:55not by just saying
48:56I love you
48:56but by helping you
48:57move house
48:58bringing you a cup
48:59of tea in the morning
48:59it's through what you do
49:01yeah
49:01and I think the way
49:02we treat ourselves
49:03really does matter
49:04I think that we can
49:05speak to ourselves
49:06kindly and that's
49:06so important
49:07yeah
49:08but how are we
49:08treating ourselves
49:09are we giving our body
49:10the nutrients it needs
49:11are we moving it
49:12are you honoring rest
49:14when you need to
49:15are you getting fresh air
49:17and being out in nature
49:18you know I think that
49:19we need to show ourselves
49:21through the way
49:22that we treat ourselves
49:23how what we deserve
49:25yes
49:26yeah I think that action
49:27is very important
49:29especially if you keep
49:29telling yourself something
49:30it goes back to the
49:32self-confidence
49:33and self-trust right
49:34you keep saying something
49:35and not doing it
49:35exactly
49:36I wanted to go a little bit
49:37on affirmations
49:38and some affirmations
49:40of confidence
49:41that people can say
49:41every day
49:42do you have any favorites
49:42oh my god so many
49:43my favorite favorite
49:45is I am enough
49:46I have always been enough
49:48I love it
49:48do you the first time
49:49I said that when I cried
49:50because I think I just
49:51needed to hear it so much
49:53yeah
49:55I am proud of how far
49:56I have come
49:57I am proud of who I am
49:59and who I am becoming
50:00is one that I love
50:03I am of value to the world
50:04and people around me
50:06I think a great way
50:08to figure out
50:09what affirmation
50:09is good for you
50:10is to think about
50:11what are your
50:12the limiting beliefs
50:14that you know
50:15that you hold
50:15like what are your things
50:16like it might be
50:17that you don't feel
50:18like you're good
50:18with people
50:19or you don't feel
50:19that you're clever enough
50:22to be in the job
50:22that you're in
50:23or whatever it is
50:24for you
50:25and then basically
50:26you just write
50:27an affirmation
50:28that directly opposes
50:29that limiting belief
50:30and I think what people
50:32always need to remember
50:33is like you don't need
50:33to believe it
50:34to be true
50:35to say it
50:36right
50:36like people say
50:37well I don't believe that
50:38if I how can I say
50:39I am you know
50:41incredible at interviews
50:42if I don't feel
50:43like I am
50:44right
50:44or how can I say
50:46I'm calm at ease
50:47when I'm feeling
50:48so anxious
50:48but the point is
50:50that we're trying
50:51to give our brain
50:54these thoughts
50:54that it can then
50:55make reality
50:57by repeated use
50:59and I think it's
51:00you know
51:00Marissa Piero
51:01always says
51:01that your brain's job
51:02is to make your thoughts
51:03true
51:03and I love the way
51:04she describes it
51:05and it's
51:06you know
51:06we are telling
51:07our brain
51:08how to feel
51:09by inputting
51:10these like
51:10nourishing thoughts
51:11and so I love
51:12affirmations
51:13you know
51:13first thing in the morning
51:14as I'm waking up
51:15when our brains
51:15are really susceptible
51:16to that positive messaging
51:17that for me
51:18is my favorite
51:19like I'm always like
51:20I wake up
51:21I'm excited
51:22for what today
51:22could bring
51:23I'm resilient
51:24and strong
51:24I'm ready to handle
51:25any challenges
51:26that come my way
51:27I'm proud of where I am
51:28you know
51:29and so I think
51:30yeah I just love
51:31affirmations
51:31you're inviting it
51:32into existence
51:33even if it doesn't
51:33already exist
51:34in your own mind
51:35or you don't believe it
51:36yeah
51:36and starting your day
51:37off in that way
51:38it creates that
51:39instead of a negative filter
51:40you end up
51:41kind of putting in that
51:42the different lenses
51:43of living life
51:44through those
51:46affirmations
51:46exactly
51:47what would you say
51:48has been the hardest truth
51:49that you've had to learn
51:50on this journey
51:52healing really isn't
51:54like a linear
51:55process
51:56I think that
51:57I found it really
51:59challenging in times
52:00where I think
52:00that I've made
52:01so much progress
52:02and I could have
52:02a long stretch
52:03of feeling incredible
52:04and then all of a sudden
52:05I feel like
52:06I'm right back
52:07right
52:08but actually realizing
52:09you're never right back
52:10and it was really hard
52:12to
52:12it was really scary
52:13for me at times
52:15because I thought
52:15oh my god
52:16I'm going back
52:17to that depression
52:18or
52:18it was
52:19that was scary
52:20but actually
52:21now
52:22with experience
52:24like the other
52:25I told you
52:25when I came in today
52:26yeah
52:27the other
52:27week
52:28you know
52:28I had two weeks
52:29where
52:29I honestly don't remember
52:31the last time
52:31I felt that
52:32much anxiety
52:33I really felt
52:34on the edge
52:34of like a breakdown
52:35I felt really
52:37unwell mentally
52:38and I hadn't felt
52:39that bad
52:40for a long time
52:40and it was scary
52:41in a way
52:42but
52:43I had enough
52:45experience
52:45to trust
52:46that something
52:47amazing was coming
52:48on the other side
52:49and that you had
52:50all the tools
52:50and techniques
52:51you needed
52:51to make sure
52:52you come out of it
52:53yeah
52:53you built that
52:54I had the tools
52:55but most importantly
52:56I had the hope
52:57yeah
52:57and that's sometimes
52:58when you're in those
52:59moments
53:00that is what you need
53:01is you just need hope
53:03that after the dark days
53:04better days are coming
53:05yes
53:06that's really beautiful
53:07thank you
53:07I'm gonna do the last
53:08few quick fire questions
53:09what's your favourite
53:11affirmation right now
53:12I am ready
53:13to make my dreams
53:13come true
53:15a book that changed
53:16your life
53:16apart from your own
53:20the four agreements
53:21yes
53:22great book
53:24what's always
53:24in your handbag
53:25my phone
53:26and a pair of eyelash curlers
53:27yeah nice
53:29a place to visit
53:30that's still on your
53:31bucket list
53:31Turks and Caicos
53:33me too
53:33I recently saw
53:34someone there actually
53:35she looks so gorgeous
53:36she looks beautiful
53:37a quality that you're
53:38trying to embody
53:39or work on right now
53:41calm
53:43just
53:44feeling more grounded
53:45and calm
53:46in my responses
53:47nice
53:48an area in your life
53:49that you're trying to
53:50grow and heal in right now
53:51love
53:53and can you finish
53:54this sentence
53:55confidence is not
53:57being the loudest
53:58in the room
53:58love it
53:59thank you so much
54:00thank you so much
54:01thank you
54:03I'm so grateful
54:04I love the conversation
54:05and I really hope
54:05all of you
54:06got so much from it
54:07and it helps
54:09in your journey
54:09to becoming more
54:10confident
54:11and vibrant humans
54:12thank you so much
54:13thank you my love
54:14that was so lovely
54:15that was so great
54:16that was so great
54:26thank you
54:26You
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