- 10 hours ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:07I've just moved in with the world's biggest idiot.
00:11I've moved in.
00:12Congratulations.
00:18There's this bloke called Graham at the gym,
00:20and he was saying that I should...
00:22You look lovely in that.
00:24I look disgusting.
00:26Right, I'm off to Pilates.
00:28Do you want a lift, lover?
00:29Graham's here.
00:30We got robbed at work, and they took my phone.
00:33Oh, bloody hell.
00:34Don't blow us in there.
00:36There's this bloke called Graham at the gym.
00:38We're going.
00:39You are being so suspicious today.
00:42What's this?
00:45Don't you dare get married before me.
00:48I think at one point you thought I was going to ask you to marry me.
00:51Why would I want to marry you?
00:53Fucking stink!
00:55Don't ask her to marry you, Steve.
00:56OK, look, I know we like to have a bit of banter between the two of us,
00:59but let's just be serious for a minute,
01:01and I will be talking to your dad as well.
01:03If you ask her to marry you, I'll break your fucking neck.
01:13Hmm.
01:16How was your graham?
01:17Oh, boring.
01:19I wish I had to talk about dead people.
01:21Ugh.
01:22They're dead.
01:22Get over it, do you know what I mean?
01:29What have you been doing?
01:32What?
01:33I made a bit of a mess in the bedroom.
01:36It's horrible.
01:38You better have a look.
01:43Have you done a poo in there?
01:45Of course I haven't done a poo in there.
01:48Do you think I'm the sort of man who'd do a poo in his bedroom
01:50and get his girlfriend to go and look at it?
01:54Just go and have a look.
01:56Do you know what I mean, though?
01:57Just because someone's dead doesn't make them interesting.
02:04Oh, my God.
02:06Steve?
02:09Have you got a new telly?
02:11I know.
02:22And also, it's cider.
02:28Oh, my God.
02:29Nine percent.
02:32Wait there.
02:34Oh, you've got skills.
02:39Oh, my God.
02:45Bye.
02:47Bye.
02:48Bye.
02:51Bye.
02:52Bye.
03:08What are you supposed to do when you see your doctor in the street?
03:14Fuck me!
03:16Hmm?
03:16What's that?
03:18Saw my doctor at a bus stop.
03:20I didn't know whether to say hello or not.
03:22Oh.
03:25Kind of awkward, isn't it?
03:26Cos he's, like, 60 and he's a nice bloke.
03:29About the same time he's had his finger up my arse.
03:33Have you had some?
03:35No.
03:43Wow.
03:45No wonder it was only a tenner.
03:48Oh.
03:53So.
03:55Why are you being creepy?
03:57I'm not.
03:58What do you mean creepy?
03:59Shutting the door.
04:00Your face.
04:01It's creepy.
04:02Stop it.
04:04Would you mind if I just said something?
04:05That's such a creepy thing to say.
04:07Becky.
04:09Okay.
04:17My dearest darling, Rebecca.
04:21Today is our first anniversary.
04:23Rebecca?
04:24You're such a knob.
04:25Just let me finish.
04:26Oh, I haven't taken my pill.
04:29I like them, by the way.
04:31Light them, by the way.
04:38Okay?
04:39Yep.
04:41PHONE RINGS
04:42It's just Dan.
04:47My dearest darling, Rebecca.
04:52Sorry.
04:54Today is our first anniversary.
04:58PHONE RINGS
04:58Let me see if I need your help with Laurel.
05:04Seriously.
05:06They've gone.
05:07I'm going to rip my piss out of you.
05:11PHONE RINGS
05:16She's been drinking.
05:17She called me from a phone box.
05:19Shut up, pig.
05:20You okay, Laurel?
05:21She was groping me.
05:22I was trying to get her off the bus.
05:24Any excuse.
05:25Any fucking excuse.
05:30Don't do that, Laura.
05:32Shut up, pig.
05:33Do you want to call Paul?
05:35Yeah.
05:35I am not going in there, and there's nothing you can do about it.
05:38Come on, Liz.
05:39Go and have a lie down.
05:40Oh, don't touch me.
05:42She doesn't wash her hands with you, pisses.
05:45I washed them after her poo.
05:48Steve.
05:49Paul?
05:51No, it's Steve.
05:52Come on, Laura.
05:53Let go of the door frame.
05:54There's a good girl.
05:54But, please.
05:55Jake.
05:56Oh, please.
05:56Jake.
05:56Jake.
05:57He's on his way.
06:02Tell him I love him.
06:03Okay.
06:04She loves you.
06:04Come on, Doc.
06:08He loves you, too.
06:09He's lying.
06:10Okay.
06:12Put your hand off me.
06:15What's going on?
06:17Sorry.
06:18Becky's sister's poorly.
06:23Nice dressing gown.
06:25Thanks.
06:26Aren't you?
06:28Frozen?
06:29Yeah.
06:30Me, too.
06:32Have you got it on the back?
06:35Yeah.
06:39Bye, then.
06:41Bye.
06:44I went to see Granny.
06:45She sends her love.
06:47She's a wrinkly other fuck.
06:48She's excited about the baby.
06:50Shall I get my tits out?
06:51No.
06:53Laura, that's her dinner.
06:54Steve.
06:55I'm trying to eat.
06:56For God's sake.
06:58Where's Paul?
07:02Don't do that.
07:03Where's Paul, you blowjob?
07:04It says it's at Pilates with Graham.
07:07He's a fucking liar.
07:10Okay.
07:11Becky, can I have a word?
07:13Yes.
07:13I feel sick.
07:15I'll get you something.
07:16You'll feel better if you're sick.
07:18When I was pregnant with Kieran.
07:20When you were pregnant with Kieran,
07:21you were fucking enormous.
07:25Thanks.
07:26Yes.
07:31Paul's not at Pilates.
07:34I know.
07:36He says that when he's out with some fucking whore!
07:39No!
07:40No!
07:41Wow.
07:44Are you okay?
07:45It's all right.
07:46It's a bit of an overreaction.
07:48Yeah.
07:50Come here.
07:55That's the first time I've been called a blowjob.
07:58Do that.
08:04Ooh.
08:05Chicken.
08:09She's so drunk.
08:10It's horrible.
08:12She wiped her hands on the duvet.
08:14Like you've never done that.
08:16I don't give her anything.
08:18I'll make a resolve.
08:19Don't be such a blowjob.
08:21Pilates.
08:22As if Paul's going to Pilates.
08:25Why being such a blowjob?
08:26Becky.
08:27I think you'll find my name is Rebecca.
08:29No.
08:29Becky.
08:30Don't be a dick.
08:31Becky.
08:31Steve, you're being annoying.
08:33I won't give her anything.
08:34Just fuck off!
08:39What the fuck was that?
08:43Look.
08:45PHONE RINGS
08:48Sorry.
08:50Get the door.
08:56PHONE RINGS
08:58PHONE RINGS
08:59PHONE RINGS
09:15Hi Steve.
09:16I was wondering if I could borrow some limescale remover.
09:22I was wondering if I could borrow some limescale remover.
09:26Flats covered in limescale.
09:28Is that just an excuse to come in?
09:29Yeah.
09:31Thanks.
09:32Shelly texted.
09:33She said she was here.
09:35Give her a poem.
09:37Yeah?
09:38Yeah.
09:41Love some feedback.
09:43Not now, mate.
09:59Um.
10:00I'd change that.
10:01Really?
10:02And I'd take out that line.
10:03That bit.
10:04Those two lines.
10:06That whole section.
10:07That whole section.
10:07Pretty grim.
10:08That line.
10:11That line.
10:14And that line.
10:18And I won't end on the word bollocks.
10:21Really?
10:21Yeah.
10:23Lucky I ran it closed.
10:25Laura wants to get her tits out.
10:27Becky, come and have a look at them.
10:29Coming.
10:30Nice.
10:31Bye-bye.
10:35Okay, Laura.
10:36Let's get you up, shall we?
10:38Paul will be here in a minute.
10:39I'm going to sit on the floor.
10:40He's not nice on the floor.
10:42Come on.
10:42Bring the chip in.
10:44He's not up late.
10:45He says that when he's out with some slut.
10:52I want to show Steve my tits.
10:54I'm fine.
10:54I can see them fine as they are.
10:56Thanks.
10:57Who's?
10:58Can I talk to you in the kitchen?
10:59I'm all right, thanks.
11:01I got ID'd.
11:02Did you?
11:03They were like, are you over 18?
11:06And I was like, yes.
11:09I've still got it.
11:14Look at the pig.
11:15Don't be mean.
11:17Come on.
11:17Drink your water.
11:20He says he's out his plies with this Graham, but he's not.
11:29Laura!
11:31Sorry, Cheryl.
11:34No, he's fine.
11:38Maybe Laura and Shelley should wait outside for Paul.
11:42They're fine.
11:45Steve, what do you love most about me?
11:48I love everything about you.
11:51Do you want to have a look at these?
11:52No.
11:53Will you go on holiday with me, Steve?
11:56Yes.
11:57Becky.
11:58Come and have another.
12:00Paul!
12:01I'll get you some more water.
12:17You are so ugly.
12:19You are so ugly.
12:45You're fucking killing me!
12:47Where is she?
12:48Bedroom.
12:50I should go, Paul
12:51No, wait
12:56Everyone, this is Graeme
12:58Graeme, this is everyone
13:00Nice to meet you all
13:02Graeme's my friend
13:03From Pilates
13:05Yes
13:07I'll wait in the car
13:08No, I'll be two minutes
13:12Why are you speaking to me like this?
13:15I'm not speaking to you like anything
13:17Listen to yourself, Paul
13:20Paul
13:23What?
13:24Where have you been?
13:25Pilates, have you been drinking?
13:27I had a glass of wine for my lunch
13:29He seems not
13:30For what's sake, Laura, you're pregnant
13:31Yeah
13:32I'll stop you saying the drama queen
13:34Laura, come on
13:35You shouldn't be drinking
13:36I've written you a poem
13:39Will you read it to me?
13:40Look what I'm wearing
13:42Graeme picked me up from work
13:44And we went to Pilates
13:45No, you didn't
13:46Laura
13:47It's not for you
13:48It's for the baby
13:50It sends him to sleep
13:54Laura
13:55You're better than the telly
13:58Stop drinking
13:59You make me wobble like strawberry jelly
14:03Strawberry jelly
14:05When I see you, my heart bangs and wallops
14:08And I like what you look like
14:10When you suck on my
14:14Heart
14:15To change the ending
14:18No
14:19It's brilliant
14:21I love it
14:23Honestly, darling, you have to believe me
14:27Who's this prick?
14:28This is Graeme
14:30Who is it?
14:32This is Graeme
14:33This is my friend Graeme
14:34Who I go to Pilates with
14:41I am
14:42Hello, Laura
14:44Yes, I'm Graeme
14:46Lovely to meet you at last
14:48I've heard a lot about you
14:50Tell her we've just been to Pilates, haven't we?
14:52Yeah
14:54Yeah
14:54We've just been to Pilates
14:57I slipped a disc last summer
14:59It's actually rather good for the posture
15:01See?
15:04Oh, my God
15:12Oh, my God
15:16So he hasn't been some fucking awe?
15:19No
15:21Well, I hope not, anyway
15:22No, of course not
15:24Those days are behind me
15:38Have you got a stiffy?
15:39No
15:41Laura
15:42I'd better be off
15:45Nice to meet you all
15:46Yes, lovely to meet you
15:47Yes
15:52That is just sick
15:54Graeme, one minute
15:56Look at the pig
15:57Laura
15:58Don't be horrible
15:59You're a fucking mess
16:01Fuck you
16:02Calm down
16:03Give no shanky
16:05Why are you marrying her?
16:17Well, it's
16:21Well, we've paid for the venue
16:27Okay
16:29Graeme, please
16:33We can't do this
16:36Yes, we can
16:39It's not fair on me, Paul
16:45I'm sorry
16:48Graeme
16:50Please
17:05You look like a pig
17:06You smell like a pig
17:08And you stink, my
17:09All right
17:28No, Laura
17:29You can't speak to me like that
17:31You're just so unpregnant
17:33It makes me want to shit
17:34Come on
17:35Okay
17:36I'm going to leave now, Laura
17:38Go get that spastic
17:40To flick your flaky little bean
17:41Go on
17:42Pig
17:43I'm speaking to you
17:46Pig
17:46Just shut up
17:48I am not a pig
17:51I am Shelly
17:52All right
17:53Go flick your bean, Shelly
17:56Paul
17:57No, I will not go flick my bean
17:59You're going to be someone's mother
18:01You cannot behave like this
18:03This is not on
18:04I will not stand for it any longer
18:06It is not on
18:07You might have financial problems
18:10And you and Paul might have other problems too
18:13But that's no excuse
18:16We don't have problems, do we?
18:18No, of course not
18:19See?
18:21Silly fat pig
18:22Laura, I am not a pig
18:24And this is not on
18:25Sometimes you're really not a nice person
18:28And you're getting worse
18:29Go fuck yourself, you slag
18:31I am nice
18:33And I am only ever nice to you
18:36And you just make me cry
18:38I go home and I cry because of you
18:41And you keep doing this to people
18:43And you'll have no friends left
18:44And I'm going to piss my fucking pants when that happens
18:47And I'm going to have a party
18:48And everyone will be there
18:50And you won't be invited
18:51And it'll be exactly what you deserve
18:53It'll be exactly what you deserve
18:56Because you are a nasty, ignorant, cruel fucking bitch
19:00You made me cry, Laura
19:03And you'll die alone
19:04And I will dance on your grave
19:07I will dance for hours on your stupid grave
19:12You horrible bloody bitch
19:27You do know I'm pregnant, don't you, Shelley?
19:33Incredible
19:36Excuse me, everyone
19:41Help
19:45You okay, my beautiful?
19:54Dan, that...
19:59Sorry
20:12Well, that was horrible
20:13Whoa, that was horrible
20:40I can't explain to you why I did what I did
20:41But you have to know
20:42I had a really good reason
20:44Yeah?
20:45What's that then?
20:49I can't tell you
20:50Wow, okay
20:54Oh, for God's sake
20:55You okay?
21:01We were having a really nice night
21:02I know we were
21:04No, no
21:05Please
21:11I didn't mean to hurt you
21:16Bex, I didn't mean to hurt you
21:17Why did you?
21:20Where are you going?
21:22For a walk
21:23I swear on my mum's life
21:25There was a perfectly good explanation
21:26I'm really sorry for hurting you
21:28Because I'd never want to hurt you
21:30Please, Becky
21:31No, Becky
21:37The ring is in the...
21:39Don't go anywhere
21:51It was in the bread bin
21:53It's all part of...
21:56I had this
22:00I'd learnt it
22:01It's all part of...
22:03Like a plan
22:04Which is why I didn't want you going in the bread bin
22:06And we were
22:09Gonna drink this
22:12I nicked the glasses from the goose
22:14I'm so sorry
22:15I just didn't want you to find it
22:16I'm so, so sorry, Bex
22:18Please don't go
22:19I swear on my mum's life
22:22I swear on your life
22:23I swear on my life
22:24And I'd...
22:24I'd swear on everything
22:26I am so sorry
22:28I beg you
22:28Please
22:30Don't go anywhere
22:34How long have you been planning this?
22:36Ages
22:37Ages
22:38Are you going to read it to me or not?
22:42This
22:43You want me to?
22:44Okay
22:45Here
22:49My dearest darling Rebecca
22:51Becky
22:57Today is our first anniversary
22:59But it feels like our 50th
23:02The world began when we met
23:05It's like we spent our whole lives in bed
23:08And getting interrupted by Dan and Laura
23:11Everything else in the world is so boring
23:13Except for you
23:14I get bored when you're on the loo
23:17We're the same person
23:19You're as different for me as one of my arms is
23:21Or one of my thoughts is
23:23When I first met you
23:24I didn't think it was possible to love someone more
23:26Now every day I find that it is
23:28The days go by so quickly
23:30And we grow up
23:31And our lives change
23:31But the one certain thing in all of it
23:33Is that I'll always be with you
23:36So I've got something I want to ask you
23:41And that was when I was going to take
23:43The dressing gown
23:51Well then there was this thing
23:55So I'll get it
24:19It's like a deal or no deal
24:22If you choose one
24:24I'll open it
24:25And it'll give you the answer
24:30Sure
24:33You can swap
24:56My mum helped me make them
24:57Not so cool
25:03Then there was more
25:04Shall I
25:11I know we say we don't believe in it
25:13But what's so bad about getting married
25:16We get to spend the rest of our lives together
25:19We could be a little family
25:22And we don't have to be dicks about it
25:24We don't have to have a big wedding
25:25We don't have to invite any arseholes
25:29I'd just like to marry you
25:33Because I get to call you my wife
25:35And I'd be so proud
25:39We'd never have to worry about anything
25:42Ever again
25:59Well you've really fucked this up haven't you
26:07Have you asked my dad's permission?
26:11How'd that go?
26:13How do you think?
26:19Well
26:20I'm not getting married in a bloody church
26:26I can do it literally any way you want
26:40Of course I'll marry you
26:42You silly prick
26:43Thank God for that
26:52So sorry about your arse
26:54Don't worry
26:56I'm so sorry
26:59I can't believe I hurt you
27:01I just
27:02I am so, so, so, so sorry
27:09Oh yeah
27:13One more thing
27:22Come closer, come closer and listen
27:25The beat of my heart keeps on listen
27:29I know who's sitting most when we're kissing
27:34Come closer and love me tonight
27:36You're all such a pillock
27:37Come closer and cuddle me tight
27:40My heart goes boom, bang, bang, boom, bang, bang
27:44When you are near
27:45Boom, bang, bang, boom, bang, bang
27:48Loud in my ear
27:49Pounding away, pounding away
27:52Won't you be mine
27:53Boom, bang, bang, bang, bang
27:55All the time
27:56It's such a lovely feeling
28:01When I'm in yours
28:05Just the way I want to stay my whole life through
28:09Boom, bang, bang, bang, bang
28:11Close to you
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