- 7 hours ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:08Luxury, opulence, hot people, here on the Glamazonia Express, every journey is the height of
00:00:18their stratagans and wasteful excess. Oops. There's more worth backing from. You can't beat Glamazonia's
00:00:30five-star service. I'll take this one. I love my wife and kids, but Glamazonia helps me get away once
00:00:40in a while.
00:00:41Sometimes you just need a weekend with the boys. What's your name? Don't answer that. Because we're
00:00:47not just America's first transcontinental bullet train. We're your family. If your family was a
00:00:54bunch of rich, successful ladies in shoulder pads, Glamazonia Express. Travel Glamazonia's
00:01:03skate. Look at them. They're perfect. Could you imagine us like that? Traveling the country in a skirt
00:01:10suit. Finally in a high-speed line. No more commuter rails. Staying in luxury hotels. Like a
00:01:17ski shower with a gaspan. Where a couple muscled-up Swiss twins walk up to us at the hot tub
00:01:23and they're
00:01:23like, maybe we should take this party upstairs. Oh, but then we're like, sorry boys, we are both
00:01:28married to men who work in commercial real estate. But we have consensual kink-positive sex with them
00:01:36anyway. And get this. We both reach climax at the same exact time, while eyes locked from the twin beds
00:01:43in our
00:01:43shared room. Or even separate rooms. Oh, yeah. Enjoy that. Do you hear about Luanne? What? I'm lost. She was
00:01:54the best
00:01:55deputy corporal out there. Now, Gordon, train 16 to Six Flags, Guantanamo Bayer.
00:02:04Tracy Dee Dee.
00:02:06Hey, Mar. Check it in.
00:02:08Oh, busy train today, huh? She's going to be getting in there.
00:02:13More like no train. Yeah. They're letting us girls go. Shutting the whole thing down.
00:02:21What? They can't shut down a whole train light. They can if it's called Stain Beret. It only stops in
00:02:27three sad cities.
00:02:28Wonder what's just got swallowed up by mine. Probably that's been burning up for 60 years.
00:02:32Barb, what are you going to do? Girl, I got a few odd jobs lined up. You know, a little
00:02:36life-sex work.
00:02:38Maybe get pregnant. Maybe I'll sell my name. Isn't that the plot of Les Miserables?
00:02:42Girl, I got to tell them. This Les is going to be saucy miserable.
00:02:45Far out. Now, what are you going to do to Pyongyang, North Korea? I'll miss this.
00:02:55Fantasizing about where everyone's traveling to, like him. He could be going anywhere.
00:03:05Deedles, what happened to us? I think we've been doing this for, what, like ten years now, and I just
00:03:12thought we'd be...
00:03:14I don't, I don't know. It was just like something.
00:03:18You know what this is? Oh my god, is that our yearbook from Train Hostess Academy?
00:03:26I always keep it in my carry-on. Look how young we were. Well, kind of.
00:03:33Dee Dee, do you remember when we first met each other in the showers after that luggage lift just seemed
00:03:39hard?
00:03:39We promised each other that we would see the world together.
00:03:45You know, climb every mountain. Ford every stream. See the Dakotas, both Fannin and Johnson.
00:03:54Oh, visit the world wonders like the Grand Canyon and those four gay guys stuck on that mountain.
00:04:02And then we were gonna give birth together in Tijuana. You know, just to prove to everybody that their healthcare
00:04:08system ain't really as bad as everybody says it is.
00:04:12Oh, we were gonna explore all the different cultures and countries and bathrooms because of your whole bladder thing.
00:04:25Glamazonian better find you a replacement student if those two girls still show up. Where are they?
00:04:31Last time I saw them, they were in the ski-shelly hot tub. They'll probably still with those Swiss twins.
00:04:37Ugh, I hate twins. If you have sex with one, you legally have to have sex with the other or
00:04:41else you go to jail.
00:04:41No. Glamazonian will take anyone at this point. Even girls in big guns. Or worse, those girls should stink real.
00:04:55Don't look at them out. Okay.
00:04:59Danny, did you hear that? My doctor says it's a pressurized urethra.
00:05:03No! Glamazonian is looking for two replacements. Now that could be us!
00:05:08Tess, it's over. It's time to go back to working at my parents' glue factory.
00:05:13Look! Danny, Danny, wait!
00:05:17Hey!
00:05:19Danny, help us!
00:05:21Oh, come out of there!
00:05:23Weren't you just in here?
00:05:25I really like it in here.
00:05:27Besides, it's not like I have anywhere else to go today.
00:05:31Don't you remember what you told me our first day of Train Hoses Academy?
00:05:35I'm only here because I don't want to join the army?
00:05:38The other thing.
00:05:39My favorite spices pudding?
00:05:41The other thing.
00:05:42I'm on the run and nobody knows I'm here?
00:05:44The other, other thing.
00:05:49We were going to see America.
00:05:52Dee Dee, this is our chance.
00:06:01Look!
00:06:02Look!
00:06:06Dee Dee, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
00:06:09If mermaids exist, shouldn't there be more butlers?
00:06:12The other thing.
00:06:15Are all ghosts naked?
00:06:16The other, other thing.
00:06:18Hey!
00:06:19Do you want a scissor?
00:06:21Dee Dee!
00:06:28Hey, you bring that over there.
00:06:31I'll just start splitting the pants.
00:06:32It's terrible.
00:06:33Move it.
00:06:36This is going to look just like a two-year-old thing.
00:06:39I know.
00:06:41We're going to do something without Ian.
00:06:45We are experiencing.
00:06:49I just decided to not show up.
00:06:52Well they said there would be replacements.
00:06:53Where the hell are they?
00:06:55We're right here.
00:06:58What are they?
00:07:00We're always so critical of other women.
00:07:02Look at their ill-fitting uniforms.
00:07:03I mean, it looks like they were designed like a scissor park.
00:07:07I didn't mean that.
00:07:09I'm not a scissor.
00:07:10Andra!
00:07:11You're working for Amazonian now?
00:07:13Do you have the same idea?
00:07:15You got a secret where you can get high if they get?
00:07:18Oh!
00:07:18Now, poor Haydos.
00:07:19How boys are that?
00:07:20Shouldn't be together.
00:07:21What is it?
00:07:22I didn't start anything.
00:07:23Look at my face.
00:07:23Use your words!
00:07:25My words are so terrible!
00:07:38Luxury.
00:07:41Opulence.
00:07:42Puke.
00:07:45As in what's currently rising up in my esophagus.
00:07:47Well, I wonder why two sad mole people are in my first class.
00:07:52Oh!
00:07:54Look, Deedos.
00:07:55It's Amber from Kite House Fist Academy.
00:07:58Oh my god, Tess.
00:08:00It's been a minute, girl.
00:08:02I didn't recognize you with all the crow-steen and sun damage.
00:08:06And Dee Dee.
00:08:08You look completely different.
00:08:13Let me have a stroke?
00:08:15No.
00:08:16I do.
00:08:16Hi, Allie.
00:08:19And...
00:08:24I...
00:08:24I...
00:08:28I'm not really sure how to say it.
00:08:31Don't worry.
00:08:32You won't.
00:08:33It's so weird if we've ever worked together before.
00:08:35Hmm.
00:08:36How long have you two been Glamassonians?
00:08:38Oh, it's our first day.
00:08:40Oh, it's our first day.
00:09:03Uh...
00:09:03We're busy having sex with powerful railroad people.
00:09:07You see?
00:09:08Hmm.
00:09:09This is exactly why we don't talk to you two.
00:09:11You've always been so mean to us.
00:09:13Hmm.
00:09:13Allie?
00:09:15Ashley?
00:09:16Let's go, girls.
00:09:17Now boarding the Glamassonian Express.
00:09:20Non-stop.
00:09:21To celebration of Florida.
00:09:23Wow.
00:09:24They've gotten so much nicer since the Academy.
00:09:27Totally.
00:09:28Oh!
00:09:29Oh, my God.
00:09:30Do you need to look who's getting off the train over there?
00:09:37Cal!
00:09:38The conductor voted number one conductor we want synthetic of.
00:09:41In Conductors who want synthetic of Magazine.
00:09:49Why...
00:09:50Yeah...
00:09:51Why...
00:09:51Why is the Maka so slow?
00:09:53He doesn't even know I exist.
00:09:55Oh!
00:09:56You should introduce yourself to him.
00:09:58Cal!
00:09:58Cal!
00:09:59Haze!
00:10:02Good morning, Conductor Davenport.
00:10:06Oh!
00:10:06Cal?
00:10:07How's it hanging?
00:10:09Slightly to the left, as usual, sir.
00:10:12Fantastic.
00:10:14Good morning, passengers.
00:10:16This is your Conductor Davenport speaking.
00:10:18Welcome aboard the Glamassonian Express.
00:10:21Departing sunny Los Angeles.
00:10:23City of Angels.
00:10:24And one Hellspawn succubus named Shara,
00:10:27who ripped my heart out and tore me away from my kids.
00:10:30Well, we don't need to get into that unless you guys want to.
00:10:33And there's my favorite Clem Charter.
00:10:35Perfect.
00:10:36I'll take the Denverall.
00:10:37Excuse me.
00:10:38Would you mind helping me with my mother?
00:10:41Of course.
00:10:43You can just grab the other side.
00:10:45Oh!
00:10:45Although we started out as friends, it quickly became apparent that that was more to our relationship.
00:10:52We got married and at first ours was a life of bliss and joy.
00:11:00But then things started to change.
00:11:02I developed a drug.
00:11:03Yeah, they don't.
00:11:04Sharon decided she didn't want to be around that anymore.
00:11:07They had us waiting for 30 minutes, which is actually an hour.
00:11:11I mean, Jocelyn, you told me this was a luxury train car.
00:11:15I highly...
00:11:16Just wait.
00:11:16Hi, hi.
00:11:17This is the quiet car.
00:11:19You can take that to the loud car.
00:11:21Oh, hold on.
00:11:22I can't hear you.
00:11:24I can't hear you.
00:11:25Take it to the loud car, please.
00:11:27I think a train hostess just hit on me.
00:11:30I am so hungry.
00:11:32And she got pregnant.
00:11:33We had our son.
00:11:34But then the drug habit escalated to me giving hand jobs under bridges for H.
00:11:39H stands for heroin.
00:11:42I made some great friends under those bridges.
00:11:45Oh, well.
00:11:46We'll be departing shortly.
00:11:48Our trusty pit crew is just finishing up some routine cleanliness.
00:12:04By the way, it's not illegal to have paid next to your four-year-old son.
00:12:08I looked it up.
00:12:11Oh, my God.
00:12:13No way.
00:12:15Are you?
00:12:16I am.
00:12:17Oh, but I would really appreciate if you don't make a big deal of it.
00:12:20I tried to keep a low profile when I'm traveling.
00:12:23Are you sitting in my seat?
00:12:25I paid for the window.
00:12:27Move.
00:12:40My God.
00:12:43Yes.
00:12:44Welcome aboard.
00:12:46You're sitting next to the beautiful redhead right over there.
00:12:51Welcome aboard.
00:12:52Before we depart, I'll turn it over to your lovely rail attendants for your safety presentation.
00:12:58Ladies and gentlemen, can you please direct your attention to the front of the cabin?
00:13:05Do we?
00:13:06What's going on?
00:13:08Do we?
00:13:08And a five, six, seven, eight.
00:13:10What?
00:13:11Why are you people being hijacked?
00:13:13Pay attention.
00:13:15Shut up.
00:13:18We got some men's shine shells to keep you tight and tough.
00:13:21All the duration, build the rod, stay inside.
00:13:25Every man, and you'll see.
00:13:27Sit the fuck down.
00:13:29Keep it boggled.
00:13:30Keep it boggled.
00:13:31Don't go in trouble.
00:13:32Keep it boggled.
00:13:33Don't go in trouble.
00:13:34Keep it boggled.
00:13:35Keep it boggled.
00:13:35Even the dog.
00:13:36Not so, but all the show.
00:13:38No leak things over, four ounces and lithium batteries.
00:13:43They can explode.
00:13:46We don't have it, no new exits and peace them is an emergency.
00:13:51Blank, if we explode.
00:13:54We'll tip everything we send, and delete it from your brain.
00:13:57Cause there ain't no rules when you're riding on the train
00:14:01Drink the drugs, it's time to play
00:14:06Cause there ain't no TSA
00:14:10Get on up and send the pray
00:14:14We're like, if that track was gay
00:14:18Roll up, roll up
00:14:20Ali here, hand me your bag
00:14:22I'll throw in the bin and give him a tag
00:14:24Hit the button after Ashley
00:14:26Snacks and drinks, I'm bumming my way
00:14:28Amber, Amber, first class queen
00:14:30Need to go for you, I got extra cleaning
00:14:32I'm Tess, one time I ate a magnet
00:14:35Yet stuck to a flagpole
00:14:37Diddy, I was born with a dope
00:14:42Ladies and gentlemen
00:14:44Please prepare for departure
00:14:51We nailed it
00:15:08Guys, we've got another trolley problem
00:15:09Trying to do this on the box
00:15:11Go on with the ass, bitch, you're fair
00:15:14Dispatch on the train 108, you are safe for puncture
00:15:17It is more of a charachaga
00:15:19Or a choo-choo
00:15:25Donna does online, goofy
00:15:28What we know
00:15:29Zoom in on current weather trajectory
00:15:32Too close
00:15:43Good god
00:15:48For my calculations, we are looking at an unprecedented weather event
00:15:51A hurricane, hailstorm, multiple tornadoes
00:15:54And that's just the beginning
00:15:56In English, please
00:15:57It's gonna be a disaster
00:16:00In Spanish, please
00:16:01In Mandarin, please
00:16:08There's no way there's something like this even exists
00:16:10Only the self who survived it
00:16:13The ancient Egyptians
00:16:15Fear that it was a divine retribution from the gods
00:16:18They had a name for it
00:16:23Storm of Dogs
00:16:26Donna, when I hired you
00:16:32You took a chance
00:16:34Hire a woman with glasses, they said
00:16:37Preferably a hot one
00:16:38So everyone in the office could start a pool
00:16:40For who could have sex with her first
00:16:42I have my money on Aunt Psycho
00:16:43He's a dog
00:16:47I can see now
00:16:48I made the right choice
00:16:52Because this
00:16:53Is the stupidest thing I've ever heard
00:16:57I've ever heard
00:16:58I've ever heard
00:16:59Storm of God's up
00:17:00What?
00:17:02That's so gay
00:17:05Who are you?
00:17:06I'm Barbara
00:17:07You just hired
00:17:08I did
00:17:09Hmm?
00:17:10Sir, no
00:17:10You don't understand
00:17:11We need to stop all the trains
00:17:12Right now
00:17:13I just saw there's a Glamazonian Express
00:17:15That's headed for the center of the store
00:17:17Oh yeah?
00:17:18How about you stop this?
00:17:29My God
00:17:30Mercy on your souls
00:17:32Souls?
00:17:33They rest on with that hair
00:17:37Honey, are you sure you're okay with me traveling alone?
00:17:41It's just a train
00:17:41What could possibly go wrong?
00:17:44Just make sure you keep your service handle inside
00:17:46It's great at all times
00:17:47In fact, let me go ahead and check that same doulatch
00:17:50How about it?
00:17:56Seems good to me
00:18:04Oh boy
00:18:05Look at you
00:18:07How far along?
00:18:09Nine months
00:18:10Wow
00:18:11Congratulations
00:18:12I love babies
00:18:15In utero
00:18:17Not outside of my belly
00:18:19Nope
00:18:20You had a baby right now
00:18:22Everyone on Lystra would hang you
00:18:28Well, luckily he's not due for another room
00:18:34Oh
00:18:40Hi
00:18:43It's Joan
00:18:47I'm Newlington Forest
00:18:50I've been married 20 years just like that
00:18:55I've never felt so free in my life
00:18:58If you read the book
00:18:59I'll
00:19:00Eat by your dog
00:19:03I'm in that
00:19:05I'm in the eat par right now
00:19:14How is this work?
00:19:16Just turn to the left
00:19:19I'm so sorry
00:19:20Did I hit you?
00:19:22Oh no
00:19:23I'm completely fine
00:19:24You're bleeding a lot
00:19:26Oh, this
00:19:28It's nothing
00:19:30Drawers
00:19:31Am I right?
00:19:35I didn't know girls could be so funny
00:19:39Really nice talking to you
00:19:41Dee Dee
00:19:43I'm Cal
00:19:45Cal
00:19:53Hello?
00:19:55Hello?
00:19:55Where's my coffee?
00:19:57Hello?
00:19:58Dee Dee
00:19:59All of the passengers are hitting the help button
00:20:01How's that drink cart coming?
00:20:02We're out of milk
00:20:03Where'd it go?
00:20:04Milk anyone?
00:20:06Milk?
00:20:07Milk?
00:20:09Milk?
00:20:10Hello?
00:20:11Dee Dee
00:20:12All these passengers are so much nicer than the ones on staying quail
00:20:15We have got to do a good job for them
00:20:17I'm going in without it
00:20:19Look
00:20:20Who?
00:20:21Who?
00:20:22Hi
00:20:23Goers
00:20:23You're nuts
00:20:25You're nuts
00:20:25You're nuts
00:20:44You're nuts
00:20:45I'm telling you
00:20:46I'm so sure
00:20:47One chip
00:20:49It's all
00:20:59Drinks
00:21:00I'm told to play Amazonian Express
00:21:02I repeat
00:21:03I'm told to play Amazonian Express
00:21:04Do you copy?
00:21:06Dee, you left one of your programs up on the monitor again
00:21:09My name is Donna Dusk
00:21:11Oh, it's one of those makeover shows where they take the glasses off and suddenly the ugly girl's pretty
00:21:16If you don't listen to everything I say, you are all going to die
00:21:20Look, I don't know if you're the conductor or some passengers or a train attendant or a bar cabin chef
00:21:26or a ragtime group of boxcar children, okay?
00:21:29I don't care about any of that
00:21:30You're headed into a storm of gonza
00:21:31Do you hear me?
00:21:32A storm of gonza
00:21:35So we are counting on you
00:21:36You're our last hope
00:21:40This is our moment
00:21:43Dee Dee, follow me
00:21:48Excuse me, what are you two doing up here?
00:21:49Oh, oh my God
00:21:51Oh, no running in the tunnel
00:21:54Everything looks good, sir
00:21:56No, no running in the tunnel
00:21:58I can't try
00:21:59I can't try
00:22:00I can't try
00:22:05Captain, there's an emergency
00:22:07This weird, homely woman, Donna Dusk, with these big, cheap glasses
00:22:11She popped up on my TV screen
00:22:13You're not allowed to be up here
00:22:15Captain
00:22:17It's a storm of gonza
00:22:20Mommy
00:22:20Daddy's moving to rock again
00:22:23Can
00:22:23Can
00:22:28Captain Davenport to train HQ
00:22:30Hit me, Donna Dusk
00:22:32Donna
00:22:33Give me the little bimbo baggins
00:22:36This is Donna Dusk
00:22:37Storm of gonza
00:22:39Is this a joke?
00:22:41Check your control pedal
00:22:48Cut
00:22:52Nothing wrong
00:22:55You have to stop train now
00:23:08The brakes
00:23:09They're frying
00:23:14Doctor
00:23:16Are you saying that you're on a runaway train?
00:23:19Worse
00:23:20What I'm saying is
00:23:22We can't stop
00:23:32I once drove through a storm of gonza
00:23:34It was a long, long time ago
00:23:38What happened?
00:23:51Conductor
00:23:52The passengers in the rear have fallen into hysteria
00:23:56Don't you worry
00:23:57Conductor
00:23:58We'll be through this call soon
00:24:00I've stayed all 44 states
00:24:02Oh, Lord
00:24:13The train derailed
00:24:15What was it like?
00:24:18Like
00:24:21Oh, God
00:24:23No, please stop
00:24:25Stop the train
00:24:26Oh, no, no
00:24:27We're going
00:24:27Oh, God
00:24:30Sailors
00:24:31My face
00:24:32I'm burning alive
00:24:41They're
00:24:41In the wreckage
00:24:44Lost in the wilderness
00:24:47Just
00:24:47Me and the co-conductor
00:24:49I'm sure you can see where this is going
00:24:53You kissed?
00:24:54No
00:24:55I ate him
00:24:56Oh, my God
00:24:58How long were you out there?
00:24:5946 minutes
00:25:01You poor thing
00:25:04Donna, are you still there?
00:25:06So
00:25:06If my calculations
00:25:08Are correct
00:25:09You still have a chance
00:25:10Of making it through the storm
00:25:11But you have to find a way
00:25:13To stop the train
00:25:14Before it crashes
00:25:15Into the final stop
00:25:16Which is located
00:25:18Right next to a nuclear power plant
00:25:19Hotel for dogs
00:25:22And the home of beloved actress
00:25:24Laurie Metcalf
00:25:25I don't believe that
00:25:27Oh
00:25:28Dear God
00:25:40What were you two talking to the conductor about?
00:25:42Amber, there's been a bit of an emergency
00:25:44Oh, you mean the weight restriction in this cabin
00:25:46That was exceeded when you two walked in
00:25:49Actually, Amber
00:25:50We don't have to tell you anything
00:25:52Because the conductor put us in charge
00:25:54Not the conductor
00:25:55Is real?
00:26:00Excuse me
00:26:01Hi, y'all
00:26:02My name is Tess
00:26:04And I'm Dee Dee
00:26:05And you haven't announced me
00:26:06Wait, what do you think you're doing?
00:26:08What do you think you're doing?
00:26:09Do something
00:26:14I took a bit of blood to pass
00:26:19The conductor would like us to tell you
00:26:21That we're looking at incoherent weather
00:26:23And
00:26:24Please
00:26:24Save your stains
00:26:25And keep your seatbelts fast
00:26:27And we'll get through it in no time
00:26:29And
00:26:31Complimentary drinks
00:26:32On
00:26:33Us
00:26:37So that's how you want to play
00:26:40Okay, bitch
00:26:41We love games
00:26:42Right now
00:26:43Well, yeah
00:26:44But we can play there
00:26:45We can basically read each other's minds
00:26:46Watch
00:26:49Bryce
00:26:50Bryce
00:26:50Dallas Howard
00:26:54Locked in
00:26:55So get ready to play
00:26:574D
00:26:58Muslim
00:26:59Yes
00:27:06Not a present
00:27:11Have you made a decision?
00:27:15I have
00:27:18It's time
00:27:23To nuke
00:27:24Russia
00:27:26Are you serious?
00:27:29Does this look serious?
00:27:35Kidding!
00:27:39I mean, do you really think
00:27:40I want to deal with that mess?
00:27:43I don't even come out on Friday
00:27:44It's so good
00:27:46You know what's so funny?
00:27:48We literally were just saying
00:27:49Outside
00:27:50We hope she does
00:27:51The bit with the button
00:27:52It's so funny
00:27:53Every time
00:27:54Oh my god
00:27:56Approve all these
00:27:57Bills
00:27:58And throw everyone
00:28:00A tax rebate
00:28:02I'm in an Oprah mood
00:28:04And just a reminder
00:28:06You have your one o'clock
00:28:07With AOC
00:28:09Yeah
00:28:10And then after that
00:28:11Is your photo shoot
00:28:12With Skims
00:28:12Remember the concept?
00:28:14Mary Poppins fell into her
00:28:15Big bag
00:28:16Is now clawing
00:28:17At the walls
00:28:17Of her dark bag pit
00:28:20What?
00:28:23Okay
00:28:28No
00:28:30No, I could be wrong
00:28:31But that sounded like
00:28:34An emergency
00:28:36A national emergency
00:28:41Madam President
00:28:42The situation is off-going
00:28:43But we have our people
00:28:44Monitoring it
00:28:45From every angle
00:28:46We're going to corner the market
00:28:47On messaging on this
00:28:48Including running some
00:28:49Contingency plans
00:28:50And getting best
00:28:51And worst case projections
00:28:52We also have a rapid response team
00:28:54On the scene
00:28:55In case the situation
00:28:56As for the team
00:28:56We have a direct line to defense
00:28:58NASA
00:28:59FEMA
00:29:00PETA
00:29:01Goop
00:29:02NAACP
00:29:03The WNBA
00:29:05SWV
00:29:05Escape
00:29:07TLC
00:29:07Build-to-Bear Workshop
00:29:09Mudders Against Strong Driving
00:29:10The cast of The Real House
00:29:12At Potomac
00:29:12The cast of Married to Medicine
00:29:14And of course
00:29:15The Taco Bell Innovation Lab
00:29:22Tell it to me, Strange
00:29:24There's a Glamazonian Express
00:29:26Heading directly into a massive storm
00:29:28Now tell it to me, Gade
00:29:30Ah!
00:29:34Ticaj
00:29:36It's serious
00:29:40Do you know what this is?
00:29:43Hm?
00:29:43Well, of course, Madam
00:29:44That's your approval rating
00:29:46Hasn't once stood below
00:29:47Lover
00:29:49That's right
00:29:50Gade
00:29:53Not since the day
00:29:55I sat my perfect derriere
00:29:57In this little charriere
00:29:58And do you know why?
00:30:01You're sickening
00:30:02Yes
00:30:02But more
00:30:04I'm fun
00:30:05It was literally my whole campaign
00:30:12You know it's not fun
00:30:15America's first bullet train
00:30:17Flying off the tracks
00:30:19We will be the laughingstock
00:30:22Of all high-speed rail countries
00:30:25Of course
00:30:26Shouldn't you be the one to speak to this issue
00:30:29Considering your military history?
00:30:32The United States
00:30:34Rail Force
00:30:49I haven't met one of your hard flashbacks
00:30:51Of course not
00:30:53All right
00:30:55Bring me my TV pantsuit
00:30:58We're going live
00:30:59Go
00:31:15You're a coffee conductor
00:31:16Oh
00:31:17Thank you
00:31:18Sorry it took so long
00:31:19It's all right
00:31:22And hi, Cal
00:31:23Oh, you remembered my name
00:31:25What was your name again?
00:31:28Dee Dee
00:31:28Dee Dee
00:31:29That's a great name
00:31:31You know, I had a dog once
00:31:33Me and Dee Dee?
00:31:35No
00:31:44I'm sorry, sorry
00:31:46No, we are out of our pub
00:31:48And whiskey
00:31:49And gin
00:31:50But we do have a tequila
00:31:52Branded by a very famous Megan
00:31:54The Stallion?
00:31:56Markle
00:32:10No way
00:32:11Are you?
00:32:13Yes, that's me
00:32:15Ah
00:32:16On the side
00:32:18Are you looking at my screen right now?
00:32:21Because I paid $20 for this movie
00:32:23You know what?
00:32:24You owe me half
00:32:31Thank you
00:32:32And if I see you looking at this screen again
00:32:35I'm going to beat the shit out of you
00:32:39You've got this expression
00:32:41Through art
00:32:42I shall serve my country
00:32:48All right, you leeches
00:32:50Listen up
00:32:51You get one question each
00:32:54And don't get greedy
00:32:55Or I will have you thrown into a government black site so fast
00:32:59She'll be making Zara handbags like the rest of the filth
00:33:02Is that what she wants?
00:33:03Ask me if I'm kidding
00:33:04Seriously, ask
00:33:05Yeah, are you kidding?
00:33:07No
00:33:08And that was your one question
00:33:10And now
00:33:11Please welcome
00:33:13Your president
00:33:14Judy Gargoyle
00:33:20Thank you
00:33:21I will start taking questions
00:33:23Yes
00:33:24Madam President
00:33:25What can you tell us about this storm?
00:33:28Well, it's quite
00:33:29Big
00:33:31Dangerous
00:33:31What are you hiding, Gadwell?
00:33:34What kind of conspiracy is this?
00:33:35Watergate
00:33:36Get around here
00:33:37No
00:33:38No
00:33:39What's happening?
00:33:40I don't want to work in a Zara
00:33:42No
00:33:44Yes
00:33:45Yes
00:33:46Big
00:33:47Just know
00:33:49We are monitoring the situation
00:33:51And we have eyes
00:33:53On the train
00:33:55No
00:34:01What are the chances of survival?
00:34:03And by survival
00:34:04I mean
00:34:05How many people
00:34:06Are going to die
00:34:08Dead
00:34:08Six feet under
00:34:10Maggots
00:34:11Don't even get me started on the bats
00:34:13Have you ever had a bat nest in your hair?
00:34:15Honey
00:34:16The whole bat family moves in
00:34:17They bring lawn chairs
00:34:18And they have these claws
00:34:19Okay, you know what?
00:34:20Stay out of your turn
00:34:20Excuse me
00:34:23Y'all talking trains?
00:34:24I know a little something about trains
00:34:27This is an inside job
00:34:28How do I know?
00:34:30I'm a certified railway hostess
00:34:32Uh-oh
00:34:33Well, I used to be
00:34:35Then Big Train got my ass
00:34:37And they're going to get you all too
00:34:39So we not going to have no cars
00:34:41We ain't going to have no fee
00:34:43Like the movie Snowbears up
00:34:45But no fee
00:34:47Can you say these are my real legs?
00:34:50They are
00:34:51For now
00:34:53And they're going to hang them off
00:34:54And they're going to change
00:34:55That's fine with that train
00:34:56And they're going to be like
00:34:57One flip those arms
00:34:59Madam President
00:35:00Do you feel a personal connection to this
00:35:02Considering your past?
00:35:04My past?
00:35:05But weren't you a part of that
00:35:07Now defunding military branch
00:35:08Dedicated to defend the country with trains?
00:35:12That was
00:35:15Many years ago
00:35:33I
00:35:34Joey!
00:35:35No!
00:35:36Did you just have a hot flashback?
00:35:39Take her out
00:35:40A bag
00:35:42Now!
00:35:48Cal?
00:35:49Status?
00:35:50Single, Captain
00:35:51But having sex with a few different women
00:35:53In my karate class
00:35:54Copy that
00:35:55Donna
00:35:56How's it looking up again?
00:35:58Great, Captain
00:35:59We're all room here
00:36:00Alright, who has money on 100?
00:36:02Who on?
00:36:03Who on?
00:36:04I'm all ready
00:36:04A lot of guys
00:36:05You drinking mass casualties
00:36:07Bodies high
00:36:08Get those bills now
00:36:09Come on
00:36:09Don't be a cheap ass
00:36:11You're only going to get out of here
00:36:12But I have no doubt
00:36:14We'll make it through
00:36:15As long as I'm sitting in this chair
00:36:19Focused
00:36:20Alert
00:36:22Determined
00:36:22And not incapacitated for some reason
00:36:28Flint
00:36:44I'm not there
00:36:49Who brought a scorpion in here?
00:36:51He's allergic to scorpions
00:36:53I think
00:36:53We can fix this
00:36:56He's allergic to scorpions
00:36:56You're going to take over as the conductor
00:36:58No, I'm the co-conductor
00:37:00All I know how to do is play music on the aux cord
00:37:03What if I stay up here and don't know
00:37:05I can speak on that set
00:37:06Make sure everything's okay
00:37:07Yes
00:37:08And then I'll take care of the conductor
00:37:09I can't
00:37:12I can't
00:37:12I can't
00:37:13I can't
00:37:16I can't
00:37:16I can't
00:37:16I can't
00:37:16I can't
00:37:17I can't
00:37:19I can't
00:37:21I can't
00:37:24I can't
00:37:25I can't
00:37:25I can't
00:37:49I can't
00:37:50I can't
00:37:51I can't
00:37:51I can't
00:37:53I can't
00:37:54I can't
00:37:55I can't
00:37:55I can't
00:38:05Oh, sorry. Oh, I guess I should.
00:38:11Oh, that's my journal.
00:38:19Wow. Look at us. It's like, are we even going to get any work done up here?
00:38:27I know, it's like, what does any of this stuff even do?
00:38:41Glamis, I have expressed your copy.
00:38:43Donna, do you copy?
00:38:45Yes, Phoebe, I read you.
00:38:46Well, whatever your name is, you're headed.
00:38:49Right into an oncoming tornado, you will need to redirect the train onto some sort of alternate track.
00:38:54You can manually switch to an old mining track up ahead,
00:38:58but fair warning, it's been closed for decades for being too haunted.
00:39:23Oh, child.
00:39:26Oh, child.
00:39:29Oh, child.
00:39:36Okay.
00:39:41Oh, child.
00:39:42Is this a drop that bullet?
00:39:55Wasn't that
00:40:07Well, we'll just have to handle this the way we take care of all scandals
00:40:14Just start saying names
00:40:18No, we wait it out until it all blows over
00:40:21I mean, you can't get worse than this, right?
00:40:35I'm sorry
00:40:37Oh
00:40:49Donna, Donna, that's good right? Can you read me? Hello? Hello? Hello? Can you read me?
00:41:05Jerry, where do I start?
00:41:13Looks like you couldn't handle it after all. Don't worry, I've got this. Passengers, we are currently experiencing some slight
00:41:25technical difficulties. There's no need to panic.
00:41:37I just said don't pay that, Rita. But we're gonna need something to distract the passengers.
00:41:43Would you like me to help, huh?
00:41:44I actually got my start on the stage. One little introduction of Our Town. The review said that I-
00:41:49Yes, hi. Who it is?
00:41:53It's a complete fucking ranger who can't stay in her seat.
00:41:55Get out of here!
00:42:02I have an idea.
00:42:05Who turned up? Why?
00:42:07Okay, trust me and put these all. I'm out.
00:42:10I'm in. I'm in. Who's that?
00:42:13Okay.
00:42:14Five, six, and eight.
00:42:16Oooo!
00:42:23We are on board, private entertainments. Here to keep the vines, there'll have no terrain on this.
00:42:31Little fucking, little flirty, hot arrangements. So high. So high. So high. So high.
00:42:43Root me to be nervous, just enjoy the ride
00:42:48Hey you, look up there, nothing to worry about
00:42:54No reason you should be scared
00:42:56Hey you, look up there, you just can't hang it out
00:43:02I don't know how to kill you
00:43:04Well now it's even louder you care
00:43:15What's up?
00:43:17What the fuck?
00:43:19What the fuck?
00:43:21What the fuck?
00:43:22What the fuck?
00:43:24What the fuck?
00:43:25What the fuck?
00:43:25What the fuck?
00:43:29Hey you, look up there
00:43:32There's nothing to worry about
00:43:35No reason you should be scared
00:43:37Hey you, look up there
00:43:40You wanna fuck?
00:43:41You wanted to be scared
00:43:43You miss you, like you wouldn't have whoever
00:43:45You know
00:43:51What the fuck?
00:43:54What the fuck?
00:43:54What's up, bitch?
00:43:59What's up, bitch?
00:43:59What's up, bitch you, look up there
00:44:01How's up, bitch?
00:44:02How's up, bitch?
00:44:02What's up, bitch?
00:44:10How's up, bitch?
00:44:13Donna, Donna, can you read?
00:44:15Donna?
00:44:16Your skin looks like you got power washed in a FEMA tent.
00:44:20Hair's gonna be a little like a mission, man.
00:44:21Great ascot, I wish your ass got hit by a bus.
00:44:25You're aging like goat milk.
00:44:27Donna?
00:44:28We made it through the tunnel.
00:44:42Baby, we did it.
00:44:49You look incredible right now.
00:44:52I guess how could you take care of this?
00:45:05That was amazing.
00:45:07You're like the Tate McCraneum Railroad.
00:45:09Wait, Tate McCraneum Railroad.
00:45:12Wait, wait, wait, did y'all like that?
00:45:13Uh, yeah.
00:45:15You're totally in with us now, girl.
00:45:16Oh, yeah.
00:45:18Even with that little bird's eye thing.
00:45:19Wait, what?
00:45:21I'm sorry.
00:45:23Is this a joke?
00:45:24Her name doesn't even start with N.
00:45:27Amber.
00:45:28I think you're needed back there.
00:45:30And co.
00:45:33Give it up for a test, everyone!
00:45:40Let me get out, let me get out.
00:45:41Loud, loud, loud, loud!
00:45:49He does!
00:45:50He does!
00:45:51We can't be named him.
00:45:54Thomas?
00:45:54I don't know.
00:45:59Trade control, come in.
00:46:01Yes, I see you.
00:46:02Zooming in.
00:46:04Too close.
00:46:05It's good, right?
00:46:06We're through the storm.
00:46:08No.
00:46:10Just in the eye of it.
00:46:18Holy fuck.
00:46:31It's clear they're no longer buying what I'm selling.
00:46:43Madam President, your speech for when the train crashes, killing everyone.
00:46:48Sit down.
00:46:50I think it's time I tell you a story.
00:46:55Everyone knows me as Judy Gagwell.
00:46:59She fun.
00:47:02What if I told you sometimes she not fun?
00:47:07What if I told you she's sad?
00:47:13Oh, my God.
00:47:15Was it something that I did?
00:47:20There's one chapter in my life that I haven't spoken about.
00:47:24My time in the United States Rail Force.
00:47:30Take a seat.
00:47:43The year was 1986.
00:47:50The Rail Force.
00:47:53A new military initiative under Reagan,
00:47:56who thought that there was no better way to defend America
00:48:01than by train.
00:48:08It was supposed to be a standard test
00:48:11where I'd launch missiles that were mounted on my caboose.
00:48:15I had a blemish on my chin that day
00:48:19that needed a little TLC.
00:48:23I was so distracted by my mug
00:48:26that I didn't see all the warning signs staring right at me.
00:48:55Like little Jody buckets.
00:49:00I had to bury this story from my campaign.
00:49:10You know, there's a saying in politics.
00:49:13The only thing less fun than a train crash
00:49:16is a flattened, exploded toddler.
00:49:21And you are always saying that.
00:49:26So, now that you know the real me,
00:49:29the true me,
00:49:32what do you think?
00:49:35We can spend this.
00:49:37We're going to get background on that toddler.
00:49:40I guarantee you we can find it saying some racist shit.
00:49:43I have to go.
00:49:45No.
00:49:46I'm not fit for this job anymore.
00:49:48What?
00:49:49I have to go.
00:49:51No.
00:49:52President Gadwell.
00:49:54President Gadwell, wait!
00:50:03Oh, shit.
00:50:16Like I said, you're just in the eye of the storm.
00:50:20You're telling me now it has a face?
00:50:22And if I'm being frank,
00:50:24the other side is not looking good.
00:50:26If you're being frank,
00:50:27what if you're being, like, doing?
00:50:30Deedles, we got this, okay?
00:50:32We just got to keep on doing what we've been doing.
00:50:36I was really into you.
00:50:38Oh, did you hear those passengers out there?
00:50:41They are chanting our names.
00:50:42I kind of just heard your name.
00:50:44What?
00:50:45No, no, wait.
00:50:47It's the other girls.
00:50:48I got to get back out there.
00:50:49They need me.
00:50:50Okay, how do we look?
00:50:51Huh?
00:50:52Fine, fine, whatever.
00:50:54Boop.
00:50:55Boop.
00:51:00Hey, everybody.
00:51:02Did you miss me?
00:51:16Baby's car 100% offhand.
00:51:18Yeah, not good.
00:51:20Oh, my goodness.
00:51:22Congratulations, you are a Miranda, gentle and compassionate, but also relatively passive.
00:51:28Okay, I'm going to do me next.
00:51:52I'm horny.
00:51:53Dee Dee, I just want to say I couldn't do this without you.
00:52:03Cal, I...
00:52:04Cal and Dee Dee, do you copy?
00:52:07Donna?
00:52:08This might be your one chance to redirect the train before you re-enter the storm.
00:52:13We just need to find a way to break the train manually.
00:52:19The Tess won't know what to do.
00:52:22Who's Tess?
00:52:34Tess!
00:52:37Tess!
00:52:39Tess!
00:52:41Tess!
00:52:42I don't even have a long night.
00:53:07This was twins!
00:53:10Tess!
00:53:12Didi? Didi! Hey, it's Didi, everybody!
00:53:22What is all this?
00:53:24I'm just trying to keep all the passengers in a tank, you know, like the girls do on the commercial.
00:53:29The girls in the commercial did everything together!
00:53:33What? Everyone! I would just like to make a toast to Tess.
00:53:38Our new best friend, who is running this train all by herself with absolutely no help from anyone else!
00:53:43Woo!
00:53:47I'm crazy!
00:53:50What was it you wanted to tell me?
00:53:52You know what? Never mind!
00:53:55What? Never mind!
00:53:57What? I said never mind!
00:54:01Because I can do this all by myself!
00:54:11I'm so sorry, no offense, it just smells like poor people back here.
00:54:15You leave my name.
00:54:19Oh, hold on, this neck girl finally got here!
00:54:21Y'all got nutter butters or what?
00:54:24Sir, please don't touch me.
00:54:27It's so sad.
00:54:47According to the schematic...
00:54:52There's an emergency brake, situated directly on top of the caboose.
00:54:56There's no way to access it from inside the train.
00:55:00What is the one who's not being left of themselves?
00:55:03The girl cannot activate it.
00:55:05Kill!
00:55:06That's a suicide machine!
00:55:09Dee, it's time for me to prove that I'm more than just a perfect face.
00:55:13Or a gorgeous set of abs.
00:55:15Or those little V-lines right above my pelvis that poke out from my low-rise chains.
00:55:21I'm Cal.
00:55:23I have to do this.
00:55:26I have to save the world.
00:55:31Sorry.
00:55:39Alright, when I get out there, I'm gonna need an Eisenbahn from inside the cabin.
00:55:44Just give me the signal when you need to be pulled in.
00:55:47What's the signal?
00:55:49This.
00:55:51Okay.
00:55:53How's that sound, Connor?
00:55:55Dumb as shit.
00:55:56Dumb as a school made of shit, filled with little shit students.
00:56:00But it's so dumb, it just might work, you crazy bastard.
00:56:06Dee Dee.
00:56:08This might be the last time we ever see each other.
00:56:11Cal.
00:56:12I-I need to tell you something.
00:56:15What?
00:56:16I love you.
00:56:18I've loved you since the first time I saw you on that Conductors We Want to See the Dick Up
00:56:22magazine.
00:56:23And you don't have to say anything back to me.
00:56:25I just-
00:56:35What did you need to tell me?
00:56:39Oh.
00:56:40Oh, nothing.
00:56:42You know what?
00:56:44No.
00:56:45I-I'm done living in this fantasy.
00:56:47I love you, Cal.
00:56:50I said it.
00:56:51Out loud.
00:56:52Wow.
00:56:53Dee Dee.
00:56:54I don't know what to say.
00:56:56Except...
00:56:57Do you want to finally see what my dick looks like?
00:57:00Yeah.
00:57:07What did you mean to tell me?
00:57:10Oh.
00:57:11Good luck out there.
00:57:14Good.
00:57:18There's something they're not telling us.
00:57:20Yeah.
00:57:21Like...
00:57:22Is this even a train?
00:57:24Think about it, people!
00:57:26Does anybody remember getting on the train?
00:57:31I do.
00:57:34Oh, I do too, actually.
00:57:37Why don't they see those pretty peepers?
00:57:42Oh.
00:57:44You know...
00:57:46Nipples are the eyes and the face.
00:57:49What?
00:57:52Oh!
00:57:54Hey, look.
00:57:54That's the conductor.
00:57:57And a very large nipple.
00:57:59Wait.
00:58:00Who's driving the train?
00:58:01And why is her nipple so big?
00:58:04You're always just jealous.
00:58:06I bet she knows.
00:58:08I mean, look at her.
00:58:09Can we even trust anyone from Coach?
00:58:11Oh!
00:58:12She is from Coach.
00:58:14She was in the conductor's cabin the entire time we did the dance.
00:58:19Dance?
00:58:21What dance?
00:58:22Oh!
00:58:24Oh!
00:58:24Just a disco-infused, late 80s-inspired number.
00:58:33Passengers!
00:58:34Apologies for the confusion.
00:58:36I'm getting word now that your first-class attendant here is a two-faced bitch
00:58:40who takes credit for the on-board entertainment choreo that we came up with together.
00:58:45Oh!
00:58:48Passengers!
00:58:49If I could direct your attention to the right side of history,
00:58:53I will let you know that I am the one who came up with that choreo in the first place.
00:58:58When I had that dream that Dolly Parton made the skates at gunpoint in order to escape Rocky Mountain Labyrinth.
00:59:05Passengers!
00:59:06Huh?
00:59:07It's better to have no friends than one friend who is a social climbing skank who was just lying about
00:59:13us finally having our moment!
00:59:15Passengers!
00:59:17Maybe it's difficult for us to have our moment when one of us is always holding the other one back!
00:59:35Oi!
00:59:36Oi!
00:59:38Oi!
00:59:38Oi!
00:59:38Ainte!
00:59:43Anth Basedness!
00:59:44Lori!
00:59:44Oits!
00:59:45Time out!
00:59:46Oh!
00:59:46Just wait!
01:00:03Oh, what is that smell?
01:00:08Oh, never mind.
01:00:10It's just two girls standing off the train.
01:00:16That's right.
01:00:18Neither of these attendants are from Glamazonia.
01:00:22They're imposters.
01:00:24From Stag Rail.
01:00:29That's right.
01:00:30You know the trains where the seats don't even work line?
01:00:33Oh, lie to us, Tess.
01:00:37You were the first woman I ever trusted.
01:00:39No, no, no, no, no.
01:00:40I was going to ask you to be my main father.
01:00:42I still will be.
01:00:44And I was going to adopt you as my weird, sad daughter.
01:00:48Whoever they want to be, Tess, right now.
01:00:51And neither one of you will ever be Glamazonia material.
01:01:08Now let's save this train.
01:01:17Did anybody just see that?
01:01:19That looked like the conductor I wanted to see the dick of.
01:01:24K.
01:01:25K.
01:01:25K.
01:01:28You lost in MYSELY.
01:01:28I equals the sche Newhouse Heavenwow!
01:01:40Great.
01:01:42So, now we're all going to die in this train because of Harrison Bowes.
01:01:45But wait.
01:01:46Only when we try and stop it.
01:01:49Can't leave her.
01:02:00Dara, tell it to us straight
01:02:04No breaks
01:02:06A fatal storm
01:02:07A dead co-conductor we really wanted to see the dick of
01:02:12I'd say our odds are
01:02:15A .01% chance of survival
01:02:18Tell it to us again
01:02:20Oh you give me a half hour
01:02:21I go over to Home Depot
01:02:22I load my Subaru with tools
01:02:24I pay my ex-deb some vegan jerky to help me
01:02:26We fix that train in like 20 minutes
01:02:28Who are you getting?
01:02:29Oh sorry
01:02:30Girl
01:02:37Dara, I took your desk
01:02:39What, why?
01:02:40Well, you have to blame someone for all of this
01:02:43You're the only woman wearing glasses
01:02:46You know Chad, every day
01:02:47I come to work in this office
01:02:49With a sword in my side
01:02:50Knowing you're just gonna push it in further
01:02:52But I still come in
01:02:53Why?
01:02:55Because I'm a human being
01:02:57A human being who happens to be a woman
01:03:00But not just a woman
01:03:02I am my mother's
01:03:04Daughter
01:03:05And her daughter's before her
01:03:06And her daughter's before her
01:03:07In a never-ending line of darts
01:03:15And her daughter's before her
01:03:17And her daughter's before her
01:03:28And her daughter's before her
01:03:28And her daughter's before her
01:03:28And her daughter's before her
01:03:28And her daughter's before her
01:03:29And her daughter's before her
01:03:29And her daughter's before her
01:03:29And her daughter's before her
01:03:30And her daughter's before her
01:03:30And her daughter's before her
01:03:30And her daughter's before her
01:03:32And her daughter's before her
01:03:35And her daughter's before her
01:03:42Four years ago.
01:03:44Barbara?
01:03:45You're a bartender now?
01:03:48Who's Barbara?
01:03:54Hard day.
01:03:56You don't know the half of it.
01:03:59Try having half the country.
01:04:01Think of you as a laughing stock.
01:04:04Madam President?
01:04:06You know it was me.
01:04:09But I'm wearing a disguise.
01:04:11Shouldn't you be running the country?
01:04:14Oh, I'm running alright.
01:04:16Running from my past.
01:04:19Well, whatever it is, I'm sure it's not that bad.
01:04:22I ran over a toddler with a train.
01:04:26Oh.
01:04:28I did it, and then I buried it.
01:04:31Just like they buried that toddler.
01:04:33Or at least whatever they could find of her.
01:04:36All so that I could run for president.
01:04:40Just like that toddler ran across those train tracks.
01:04:43And then exploded on impact.
01:04:47Well, it could be worse.
01:04:49It could be the reason that entire train full of people crashes.
01:04:56You're right.
01:04:57I mean, there's probably five or six toddlers on there, at least.
01:05:04To running away from life's problems.
01:05:11You know, I don't think you're running away.
01:05:15I think you're stuck.
01:05:17Just like I was stuck in that control tower.
01:05:21We're sitting here, avoiding our problems, when we should be.
01:05:26Ignoring them.
01:05:26Bomb, bombing, bombing them.
01:05:32Eating them.
01:05:36Hurdling towards them.
01:05:39Hurdling right towards them.
01:05:42Yes.
01:05:43Yes.
01:05:45Yes.
01:05:46Yes.
01:05:47You know, I was going to say that.
01:05:50Because that's who I am.
01:05:52You know, hurtling towards them.
01:05:54And solving this.
01:05:55That is, that is brilliant.
01:05:57That's brilliant.
01:06:00Hurdling towards them.
01:06:02Like, bitch.
01:06:04You've got a train to catch.
01:06:06Last moment, just to know.
01:06:08Last moment, just to know.
01:06:10Last moment, just to know.
01:06:11I'll take a while.
01:06:13Last moment, just to know.
01:06:26You come back here to die with me?
01:06:29Oh, wait.
01:06:31I'd probably hold you back from that, too, right?
01:06:35I'm sorry.
01:06:36You know I didn't mean any of those things that I said to you.
01:06:38I just...
01:06:40For the first time, I felt like our lives were finally about to begin.
01:06:43You know?
01:06:46I guess it was always just meant to end like this.
01:06:52Tess, I'll be honest with you.
01:06:55Before this morning, I thought our lives hadn't started.
01:06:59Years ago.
01:07:01When?
01:07:02The day we met at T.A.J.
01:07:05There ain't no hostess academy.
01:07:07You know what I mean?
01:07:09Because we were supposed to do big things.
01:07:11To see the world.
01:07:13Like those four gay guys stuck up on that mountain.
01:07:16You know, I think I saw them passing by the window earlier.
01:07:19Is that what that was?
01:07:21Oh.
01:07:24We're doing it, Tess.
01:07:26Like we always have been.
01:07:28Oh, if I'm going to die in a fiery crash next to my best friend.
01:07:32I'm doing it in these tacky-ass uniforms.
01:07:36Oh.
01:07:38Is it?
01:07:39Oh.
01:07:40Oh.
01:07:41We told all I was at the floor.
01:07:45Get your head.
01:07:47No!
01:07:48No!
01:07:49No!
01:07:49No!
01:07:50No!
01:07:50No!
01:07:50No!
01:07:51No!
01:07:52No!
01:07:53No!
01:07:54No!
01:07:54No!
01:07:57No!
01:07:57No!
01:07:59Who says we have to crash?
01:08:04All right, let's back it up, folks.
01:08:05This is so boring.
01:08:07Wait.
01:08:08Who says we have to crash?
01:08:12No one said that.
01:08:14But this isn't your...
01:08:15Certainly they won't be able to pick me up.
01:08:17They're women.
01:08:18And they're women.
01:08:19Whoa!
01:08:20They're doing it, you guys!
01:08:22Let's save the train, people.
01:08:24By that, I don't mean people with wheels as arms and headlamps as eyes and a smokestack
01:08:29for a head.
01:08:30We wouldn't want to save those people anyway.
01:08:32They're freaks.
01:08:33Like, what is their blood?
01:08:34Passengers?
01:08:35No, I mean, let's save the train, people.
01:08:38Yeah!
01:09:02Look who's here.
01:09:04Are they really going to die in this club?
01:09:06Well, it looks like they already did.
01:09:08Excuse us, ladies, but we've got work to do.
01:09:11Oh, and by the way, Amber, I'm sorry we ever asked to be part of your little group in
01:09:16the first place.
01:09:17At least now I know what a real best friend looks like.
01:09:20You mean me, right?
01:09:22Yeah.
01:09:24Oh, my God.
01:09:25Just rent the U-Haul and buy the Birkenstocks already, ladies.
01:09:28This is our...
01:09:30I got this.
01:09:33Amber, is it?
01:09:35Apparently this is first class.
01:09:37But that face of yours is screaming basic economy.
01:09:42Fried hair, vibrating filler, and the only bags you forgot to check are under those over-lined
01:09:49eyes.
01:09:50And that you look like a spooned horse.
01:09:55Next time you come for Tess or Dee Dee, remember, you just got a presidential address.
01:10:03And it's 1600.
01:10:06Out of my way, bitch, boulevard.
01:10:10Oh, boy.
01:10:15Because reading is what?
01:10:17Why, yo, nigga?
01:10:26Lanzoian Express, can you read me?
01:10:28Can you read me?
01:10:29Should I start with those shoes?
01:10:31Shock!
01:10:32Uh, loud and clear, Donna.
01:10:33I'm not the worst.
01:10:34And you're going to believe it.
01:10:36The president has boarded the train by...
01:10:38Wait, how did you build the train?
01:10:40No time.
01:10:41What are we looking at, Donna?
01:10:43All right, you'll be coming up on the storm shortly.
01:10:45I'm uploading 3D rendering to your comms.
01:10:50Now, once you're there, you'll have to find a way to stop that train with no brakes.
01:10:55No brakes?
01:10:56Otherwise, it'll crash in the final stop.
01:11:00Crash.
01:11:01Now, the stop should be empty except for the Make-A-Wish field trip that's visiting.
01:11:06I shouldn't do this.
01:11:08What?
01:11:08No, no, one of you will have to stop this train.
01:11:12What?
01:11:12One of you will have to stop this train and say, I will guide you.
01:11:16Go on.
01:11:17Go on.
01:11:19T minus one minute until the storm.
01:11:21Whatever T minus means.
01:11:24Someone needs to be the conductor.
01:11:26Tessa.
01:11:29Cass, what are you doing?
01:11:31Oh, Deedles, I know I have always seen that this is our moment, but now it's doors.
01:11:39Madam President, are you sure about this?
01:11:42I've never been more sure about anything in my life.
01:11:50Hello?
01:11:52Oh.
01:11:54Sorry.
01:11:55Never mind.
01:11:56Now, listen up.
01:11:59When you get in there, you listen to everything I say, because this whole country is counting
01:12:07on you.
01:12:09Any last words?
01:12:12We'd luck and don't fuck it up.
01:12:17Oh, it's taking so long.
01:12:22Okay, girls.
01:12:24Fuck a lot.
01:12:24Um, what's the plan?
01:12:26We need to shut off the engine and inject it from the train so we can explode it out of
01:12:32a sexy little undercarriage.
01:12:34What?
01:12:34Then we can use it as an anchor to slow us down.
01:12:38Look for a small blue button.
01:12:42Blue button.
01:12:43Blue button.
01:13:09Blue button.
01:13:10Blue button.
01:13:12Blue button.
01:13:12Blue button.
01:13:12This one.
01:13:16Mom.
01:13:17I'm sorry.
01:13:18She always does this.
01:13:19I'm fine now.
01:13:20I'm just going to slap.
01:13:22But it's like that movie with the vibe that, like, after, and then they're on a paper pilot,
01:13:27and it's just kind of a baseball.
01:13:28We're running out of time.
01:13:29Okay, I know.
01:13:30I'm trying.
01:13:31Um, wait.
01:13:33Wait.
01:13:54It's what kids were slowing down and you thought I'd want them ahead.
01:13:57Okay, girls.
01:13:58You're not going to believe what I'm saying.
01:14:02We're coming up on a few irregular weather patterns.
01:14:06All are steady, ladies.
01:14:08We're seeing extreme lightning.
01:14:15Heavy fog.
01:14:16Dato, where are you?
01:14:18Tess, I can't see, so I have to speak loud.
01:14:21No, you really don't.
01:14:22I'm right here.
01:14:23Oh, reach out.
01:14:25A lot of water.
01:14:26Look, there's a blowfish.
01:14:29Oh.
01:14:30There's a blow in the angelfish.
01:14:32Passengers, please be aware that your stage divest also doubles as a flotation device.
01:14:37To inflate, just pull the tab.
01:14:44The only way out is through.
01:14:49You girls got this, right?
01:14:50I'll be cheering you on from back here.
01:15:02You girls need rat's hole survey for a seltzer.
01:15:06A seltzer?
01:15:07Ladies, it has been a pleasure playing with you tonight.
01:15:21You're entering a zone of extreme pressure.
01:15:25Oh, wait.
01:15:27Where did that come from?
01:15:28Oh, fuck.
01:15:30You're bearing extreme pressure.
01:15:32It might be enough to shut out of the windows.
01:15:34Tess, almost there.
01:15:39And then they've got the hummus packs.
01:15:41You know, with the crutches on the side.
01:15:42You know, I keep some of these in the Resolute desk.
01:15:47What's this doing here?
01:15:54People's haven't seen the station.
01:15:56We're almost to the storm.
01:15:59Tess, I think there's something wrong with the window.
01:16:08Tess!
01:16:09Maybe!
01:16:10Tess!
01:16:24What is that?
01:16:25Dog on two legs, pushing a shopping cart.
01:16:28You know, what's that?
01:16:34As if this day couldn't get any worse.
01:16:37Tess!
01:16:38Tess!
01:16:39Take my hand!
01:16:45Hey!
01:16:46You have to let me go!
01:16:48No, I don't have to let go!
01:16:51We'll always have the memories!
01:17:13Isn't it weird that I can't remember anything that didn't happen today?
01:17:18Yeah, me too!
01:17:20Huh?
01:17:22Huh?
01:17:36Well done.
01:17:39Well done.
01:17:39Oh!
01:17:41Oh!
01:18:01Can you please turn that down?
01:18:13Can you please turn that down?
01:19:05You know, I'm just getting out of something, so...
01:19:09I'm not really looking for anything serious right now, but it's really fun.
01:19:19You first.
01:19:20I'm going to go slip into something a little more comfortable.
01:19:23Okay.
01:19:27Oh, look.
01:19:30This has...
01:19:31I haven't seen all this.
01:19:52I don't know who I am.
01:19:58Tess!
01:19:59You want Dee Dee to come and get a bit of a plan anyway?
01:20:02You're just getting too.
01:20:04You're always going to sit on high, but I'm going to be high, and...
01:20:08I'm going to get some little boys to hear.
01:20:10There's a little boys to hear.
01:20:11Did you ever get this far right now?
01:20:13Tess, Dee Dee, you just saved countless lives.
01:20:16Tell me how you feel.
01:20:18I just wish Kel could have seen this.
01:20:20Dee Dee!
01:20:23Just tell your lies!
01:20:25I know when I fell into the ravine, it looked like I was definitely going to die.
01:20:30But I didn't.
01:20:31I broke every bone in my body.
01:20:33All I thought about was you, Dee Dee.
01:20:36On the brink of death, I was rescued by a valet who was on a hike.
01:20:40She was incredibly well-trained, and her name was...
01:20:43Wait, Bart?
01:20:44But how did you...
01:20:45I'm a lot of things, girls.
01:20:47But nothing for too long.
01:20:50Barbara, you're an angel.
01:20:52Kel, I need to tell you something.
01:20:56What, that you're in love with me?
01:21:00How did you know?
01:21:01Because you said it like eight times in the conductor cabin.
01:21:04You kept looking at me, and then you would just glaze over like you were fantasizing about something.
01:21:10And sometimes, you looked at my body, too.
01:21:15I don't know why this is taking so long.
01:21:17Just kiss already!
01:21:18I don't know why!
01:21:18Yeah.
01:21:21I'm not.
01:21:21Cutter, my shoulder!
01:21:23Cutter, my shoulder!
01:21:24Cutter, my shoulder!
01:21:24Cutter!
01:21:24You grab my exposed bone.
01:21:28Cutter, my shoulder!
01:21:28Give me the ICU!
01:21:30I need to use your insurance!
01:21:36Thank you, Madam President.
01:21:38No, Donna!
01:21:39Thank little Tony Muggets.
01:21:45who test dd a word for the times we did it dd we saw america
01:21:54what you heard of your first we are live from celebration florida
01:21:59this is shana the filter mannishavis wait one more thing we're missing someone
01:22:06right
01:22:06so
01:22:09so
01:22:22so
01:22:23so
01:22:23so
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