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00:04during the months i had a crush on lucas reed the football captain i tried everything to lose weight
00:10one day after volleyball practice i almost passed out from hunger lucas caught my wrist and pulled
00:15me into a quiet corner beside the gym can you stop starving yourself
00:22if anyone makes another joke joke about your body i'll shut them up
00:26that was the day i thought lucas might like me too
00:29so after our football team won the next game i walked onto the field
00:39lucas i like you
00:45what lily taylor did you just say you like lucas
00:49carried across the field for one second everyone went silent
00:58damn lucas really is something even the fatty has a crush on him
01:02lucas is that why you keep rejecting girls you were saving yourself for her
01:08you serious
01:11my face burned
01:14i could not say another word
01:16then a loud fight
01:17a football shot past my ear and slammed into the ground behind me
01:22the boys who had been laughing shut up lucas looked down at me
01:27i just want to know one thing what made you think you could confess to me
01:32did you think my standards were that low
01:33my whole body went stiff the heat drained from my face
01:37don't you think you're kind of gross
01:42i could not take it anymore i ran into the restaurant and locked myself inside a star
01:50suddenly
01:54next time look in a mirror before you embarrass lucas
02:00i stood there without moving cold water dripped from my hair onto the floor
02:06i had been knocked from my body for years
02:09but lucas was the first boy who ever defended me
02:12for a while
02:13enough
02:14i thought my life could be different
02:17but today lucas crushed that dream himself
02:20i finally understood
02:22girls like me did not get exceptions
02:27the next morning one of lucas's friends came over to move his desk
02:31lucas said he felt sick after yesterday
02:34he's taking a few days off
02:35he asked me to move his seat
02:40after saying that
02:41he seemed to realize how cruel it sounded
02:44he met my numb eyes and quickly added
02:46not because of you don't overthink it
02:49i blinked hard
02:50i could not understand why being bigger than other
02:52cat got your tongue
02:53you don't hate me this much
02:55i only ate a little more than they did
02:58was that really so disgusting
03:01three days later lucas came back
03:04he walked into the classroom with his arm around bella hart's waist
03:09bella was captain of the cheer squad
03:11and every guy's dream girl
03:14and i was lily taylor
03:16a nobody people only remembered when they needed a joke
03:20chase could not help whistling
03:21damn lucas finally got yourself a girlfriend so is it real or just for show
03:28bella pouted like she was offended
03:30what do you mean do i look like the kind of girl who lets random guys put their hands on
03:34my waist
03:36lucas lifted his brow lazily lucas did not deny it
03:40people started cheering and teasing me
03:42i lowered my head and looked at my workbook
03:45at least no one cared about what happened that day anymore
03:48no one had time to laugh at me
03:50that was already good enough
03:57after that i buried myself in school work
04:00on the next ap calculus test i beat ethan miller the top student for the first time
04:05the moment class ended ethan moved his desk beside mine
04:11miss carter said i keep messing up the written explanations
04:13she told me to learn from you
04:15then he smiled at me
04:18new seatmate help me out
04:19it took me a few seconds to realize i had a seatmate again
04:23i was a little happy
04:24so i quickly pulled out my notebook
04:26here
04:28this is what i use
04:29thanks
04:30when i looked up by accident
04:32i met lucas's eyes across the room
04:35he had been watching us for a while
04:36a second later
04:38he looked away close
04:39i did not know my confession had disgusted him that much
04:43so much so that he could not even stand to see me doing okay
04:47the next morning ethan brought me two sausage rolls
04:50i had just taken them when lucas walked over with a low laugh
04:55didn't know you had such specific taste man
04:59ethan's face changed
05:01what do you mean
05:06lucas dropped a stack of printed pictures on my desk
05:10for you
05:12you like this type right
05:15want me to bring you more tomorrow
05:20who the hell said i liked fat girls
05:24oh
05:25i saw you move seats
05:26i thought you were into her
05:29was i wrong
05:30lucas's friends laughed with him
05:36ethan cursed under his breath
05:38then he moved back to his old seat without another word
05:42from beginning to end
05:43neither of them looked at me
05:46but every word was about me
05:48my eyes fell on the picture scattered across the desk
05:52the sausage rolls in my hands were cold
05:55before lucas walked away
05:57why would you do this
06:01what
06:05are you that desperate for attention
06:07every guy who sits beside you gets the full treatment
06:13after what lucas did
06:15everything got worse
06:17one morning i found my desk covered in graffiti
06:21i kept my head down and walked to my locker
06:24the moment i opened it
06:25a stack of printed pictures slipped out and scattered across the floor
06:30students slowed down as they passed and started laughing
06:33i crouched down and picked up the pictures one by one
06:37after that
06:38no one wanted to hang out with me anymore
06:41they were afraid they would become the next target
06:43during lunch
06:45i sat alone under a tree
06:46and took big bites of my food
06:49even though i never thought about dieting again
06:52the only time i had tried to lose weight
06:54was because i liked lucas more than food
06:57now i did not like him anymore
06:59that friday we had volleyball class
07:02halfway through class it started pouring
07:06everyone ran toward the gym entrance
07:08they laughed and screamed while covering their heads
07:11i followed behind them
07:12before i could reach the door
07:14several girls started knocking me back and forth between them
07:17i lost my balance and fell hard onto the wet court
07:20my kneecap slid out of place
07:23the pain was so sharp that i could not sit up
07:26then a person stopped beside me
07:29i grabbed one pant leg before thinking
07:33i can't stand
07:34can you help me
07:35it was lucas
07:39no
07:39bella laughed beside him
07:42maybe if you lost weight
07:44you wouldn't fall so hard
07:45i was soaked through
07:48lucas did not look at me
07:49he walked past me
07:51i can't help you
07:53rain kept running into my mouth
07:55but my throat still felt dry
07:58i could only try to push myself up
08:01near the gym entrance
08:02i heard people talking
08:03she doesn't look like she's faking it
08:04this is too much
08:06should we help her
08:07you like her
08:08you go
08:09who the hell said i liked fat girls
08:12it took me almost 10 minutes to sit up
08:15i still could not stand
08:17so i sat quietly in the rain
08:20i forced myself to think about what grandma might make for dinner
08:24otherwise the pain in my knee and the eyes behind me would break me
08:28in the end i got up by myself
08:31the voices at the gym entrance never stopped
08:34i did not dare look back
08:37i limped to the security office and called grandma
08:41after hearing what happened
08:42grandma decided i needed to get stronger
08:45from that day on she planned my meals and made me exercise with her
08:49if they try to knock you down again
08:51hit back
08:57i stayed home for two days before going back to school
09:00that morning grandma only let me eat one whole wheat egg sandwich
09:04i felt miserable
09:05but soon
09:06ms carter walked into the classroom
09:08behind her stood a strange transfer student
09:11ms carter looked around the room
09:13her eyes finally stopped at me
09:15sebastian cole sit beside lily
09:16after that she hurried back to the office
09:19sebastian sat in the empty spot beside me
09:22neither of us seemed interested in talking
09:24but blake could never keep his voice down
09:27lucas look
09:28this guy is weird
09:30his whole face is covered
09:32what is he disfigured
09:35probably
09:35if he looked good why would he hide his face
09:40ghost boy and chubby lily
09:42new couple alert
09:44lucas did not react
09:45he only spun his pen lazily
09:47and said nothing
09:48for almost a month
09:50sebastian and i
09:51barely spoke
09:52i did not want to talk
09:54i was afraid the same thing that happened with ethan
09:57would happen again
09:58then one afternoon after class
10:00i noticed sebastian lying across his desk
10:03after hesitating for a moment
10:05i walked over
10:06do you have a stomach ache?
10:10yeah
10:15i'll take you to the nurse's office
10:17luckily he did not pull away when i touched him
10:19he was almost six feet two
10:22most of his weight leaned against me
10:23good thing i was sturdy
10:26otherwise i would not have been able to hold him up
10:29the nurse gave him medicine
10:31then she asked me to get him some water
10:33i ran to buy it
10:35then hurried back
10:36by then sebastian was the only one left in the nurse's office
10:39you dislike me that much and still help me?
10:42that's pretty kind of you lily
10:43i don't dislike you
10:45i thought you hated me so i didn't talk to you
10:46why would i hate you?
10:49because i'm fat
10:51i suddenly felt he was probably not disfigured at all
10:57after that day sebastian and i slowly got closer
11:00but he was still strange
11:02he never took off his mask
11:03he barely talked to anyone else
11:05but he always ran with me after school
11:07my body changed too
11:09without noticing it i had gotten stronger
11:12grandma was pleased
11:14she said i looked healthier now
11:16i never expected lucas to be the first person at school to notice
11:21that afternoon i sat on the lawn
11:23finishing the low-fat turkey bowl grandma had packed for me
11:27i had just picked up my lunchbox
11:29when lucas suddenly grabbed my wrist
11:31you're dieting again?
11:33that's none of your business
11:35lucas let go
11:36lucas pulled me toward the cafeteria
11:39you get dizzy when you starve yourself
11:40did you forget?
11:42planning to pass out again?
11:44if you don't let go
11:45i'll bite you
11:47you really don't know who is good to you?
11:50drop the act
11:51after that i turned and walked back to the classroom
11:55sebastian was lying across his desk alone
11:59is your stomach hurting again?
12:02sebastian slowly lifted his head
12:05yeah
12:06i wanted to buy medicine
12:09but i forgot where the nurse's office was
12:12i saw you downstairs just now
12:14but
12:15you were talking to some guy
12:19so i didn't want to interrupt
12:22lily it hurts
12:24i'll go buy it for you right now
12:25wait here
12:27i'll go with you
12:28that way i can remember the route
12:36i held his arm and held his arm and held his hands by the nurse's office
12:39when we went downstairs we ran into lucas
12:45sebastian suddenly lost his balance
12:47i hurt too much to walk
12:49let me rest for a second okay
12:50i opened my mouth
12:51but when he made another soft sound of pain
12:54i could not refuse
12:57lucas's eyes turned cold at once
12:59he had just taken one step toward us when blake and bella caught up from behind
13:04whoa
13:05fatty and ghost boy
13:06what are you two doing?
13:09what did you call her?
13:10fatty
13:12am i wrong?
13:13sebastian punched him
13:14and he could react
13:16i rushed between them and shrugged Tyler hard
13:19run
13:23only when we reached the nurse's office did i let out a breath
13:26thank you sebastian
13:28but next time just ignore him
13:31he won a taekwondo tournament before
13:33we can't beat him
13:39but he was bullying you
13:43lily i can't let anyone bully you
13:51the next day blake came to school with bruises all over his face
13:56if i find out who beat me i'll kill him
13:59forget your face for a second
14:01i heard some billionaire's kid just transferred to our school from overseas
14:04who do you think it is?
14:06i looked up and met sebastian's clean calm eyes
14:10he pointed at a problem on his worksheet
14:13then he smiled sincerely
14:14lily can you explain this one to me?
14:18by late spring
14:19graduation was only a month away
14:21for the graduation showcase
14:23bella was in charge of costume sizes
14:26she stood at the front of the classroom with a clipboard
14:28and asked everyone
14:31when she got to me
14:32she looked down at the form
14:34lily
14:35should i put you down for xl or xxl
14:38i looked up for my corrections
14:40for some reason i felt embarrassed saying it
14:44i wear a small
14:49the classroom went quiet
14:59everyone turned to look at me
15:01their shock told me no one had really noticed the change
15:03except sebastian and lucas
15:05after months of eating healthy and walking laps
15:08i had lost a lot of weight
15:09holy shit
15:10is that lily?
15:12i told you
15:12her face was always pretty
15:13just had to lose the weight
15:15bella's face turned ugly
15:17ethan who had not spoken to me in a long time
15:20looked stunned too
15:21that look made me even more uncomfortable
15:24i was used to people staring at how much i ate
15:27not at my face
15:30ethan coughed and turned to bella
15:31isn't the lead singer spot still open
15:34maybe lily should do it this year
15:35bella had always been the default lead for school performances
15:39bella's smile almost cracks
15:41lily's not as tall as me
15:43i'm not sure she can pull off the dress
15:45she's prettier than you
15:47we can buy a different dress
15:49blake shot up from his seat
15:51what the hell is that supposed to mean?
15:53you're defending fat girl now?
15:55she lost some weight and suddenly you like her?
16:00ethan glanced at me
16:01his voice dropped
16:03why not?
16:05besides, she might not even look at me now
16:08something in that sentence must have hit lucas
16:10he suddenly threw the cup in his hand
16:12the cup shatters against the wall
16:17the whole room went silent
16:18lucas leaned back like nothing had happened
16:20sorry, my hand slipped
16:22the interruption killed ethan's mood to keep talking
16:25when lucas bent down to pick up the glass
16:28a shard cut into his palm
16:29he acted like he did not feel it
16:31by the time he stopped in front of my desk
16:34blood was already dripping from his fingers
16:36his eyes landed on the box of bandages on my desk
16:39his voice was low
16:40can i borrow one?
16:42it won't stop bleeding
16:44sebastian gave a soft laugh
16:47wow
16:48you really know how to put on a show
16:50i looked away from sebastian
16:52then i shook my head at lucas
16:58no
16:58whether lucas bled or not had nothing to do with me
17:01i did not know why he had to come to me for this
17:04lucas did not look surprised
17:06the color slowly drains from lucas's face
17:08when he spoke again, his voice was even softer
17:10i get it
17:14in the end i became the lead singer for the graduation showcase
17:17after that day i experienced a lot of firsts
17:21the first time someone called me pretty on the school subreddit
17:25the first time a boy asked me out
17:27the first time so many people were nice to me for no reason
17:31boys from other classes even came to our room between periods
17:34lily, i accidentally got an extra coffee, you want it?
17:37i refused out of habit
17:38but sebastian stopped the boy before he could leave
17:41lily, i think my blood sugar is low
17:43i want the coffee
17:45but i forgot my wallet
17:46his calm voice did not sound convincing at all
17:49it sounded like he was teasing me
17:50it's okay
17:51i have cash
17:53i took out my little wallet and counted out $15 for the boy
17:58can i buy it? my friend wants it
18:00the boy's face twisted
18:05being around sebastian was easy
18:07even when more people started showing interest in me
18:10i still only stayed close to him
18:13because of that, rumors about us slowly spread through the school
18:16did you hear?
18:18lily taylor, the new pretty girl from senior class, has weird taste
18:21she likes ghost boy
18:22i saw his face once
18:23he's disfigured
18:24it's disgusting
18:25i heard his face is covered in bun scores
18:29sebastian had never taken off his mask or cap in front of anyone
18:32even at lunch, he always ate alone
18:35if not for me, he would not have been dragged into these rumors
18:39so i started keeping my distance
18:42sebastian noticed
18:43one morning before class
18:45he stayed quiet for a long time
18:47then he suddenly said in a low voice
18:49lily, you can move your desk away
18:52i froze and turned to him
18:55what?
18:58he leaned back in his chair
19:00his voice sounded tired
19:01i'm used to being alone
19:04you don't have to get tied to someone with a bad reputation
19:08they all say someone ugly and disgusting like me doesn't deserve to be close to you
19:13so maybe you should sit somewhere
19:15who said that? he said lightly
19:17it doesn't matter
19:18at first, sebastian refused to tell me
19:21after i asked several times
19:23he finally gave me a few names
19:25i remembered them
19:26they were all boys who asked me to come out
19:29before, sebastian had spoken up for me whenever people called me fat
19:33now it was my turn to do something for him
19:36i found those boys and rejected them again
19:38this time, i warned them
19:41if they kept spreading rumors
19:43i would report them for harassment
19:47when sebastian found out, he covered his eyes with one hand
19:50sebastian's shoulders shake silently
19:52i guessed he was crying because he was touched
19:55so i patted his shoulder gently
19:57no one will say bad things about you anymore
19:59don't be scared
20:00i made a reasonable conclusion
20:02sebastian was deeply moved
20:07nothing bad happened again before graduation
20:09the only thing people gossiped about was lucas and bella breaking up
20:13at lunch, sebastian and i walked ahead
20:16behind us, blake was trying to comfort lucas
20:19don't take it too hard, man
20:20there'll be someone better
20:21lucas walked past me without slowing down
20:24his shoulder brushed mine
20:26he looked straight ahead and said casually
20:29why would i be upset?
20:31i never liked her anyway
20:34sebastian glanced ahead
20:35then he smiled faintly
20:37lily
20:39sounds like there's a dog barking somewhere
20:44by the time finals ended
20:45i already knew i had done better than usual
20:48the day after results came up
20:50miss carter asked rachel to organize one last senior dinner
20:54when i arrived i saw lucas outside the restaurant
20:57the red spark flickered in the dark
20:59his eyes stayed on me
21:01i looked away as if i had not seen him
21:03i tried to walk around him
21:05lucas grabbed my wrist
21:07he pulled me back until my back hit his chest
21:14are you insane?
21:16he caught my other wrist without even looking
21:19lucas looked down at me
21:20no matter how i beg now you won't give me another chance, right?
21:23i avoided his eyes
21:24i don't know what you're talking about
21:27don't lie
21:28lucas smiled faintly
21:30you know exactly what i mean
21:32he pinched my chin
21:34and made me face him
21:36you know i said i never liked bella because i wanted you to hear it
21:38i went quiet
21:39i stopped struggling
21:41after a long moment i looked back at him calmly
21:43yes i know
21:45i also know you liked me a long time ago
21:48otherwise i wouldn't have been stupid enough to confess to you
21:55the first time i tried to lose weight i hid it from everyone
21:58i ate almost nothing
21:59i walked home every day instead of taking the bus
22:02i wanted to lose weight as fast as possible
22:05i wanted to wear the dress i had loved for months
22:08then i wanted to confess to lucas
22:10but lucas noticed my pale face
22:13he also noticed my hand pressed against my stomach
22:15he had been about to leave for basketball with blake and the others
22:18period crabs?
22:19i'm fine
22:21lucas did not believe me
22:22he kept insisting on taking me to the hospital
22:25i had no choice but to tell him i had been dieting
22:28his frown deepened
22:29he used the clinic as an excuse
22:32and signed us both out of school
22:34then he dragged me to lunch
22:36he walked ahead holding my hand
22:41his voice was cold
22:42i care that much about what people think
22:45even starving yourself is fine
22:46i was so hungry my head felt light
22:48i barely heard him
22:50i just nodded without thinking
22:53yeah
22:54lucas was furious
22:55his grip on my hand tightened
22:57but after a long silence
22:59he still gave in
23:00he held back his anger and said
23:02can you stop starving yourself
23:05if anyone makes another joke about your body i'll shut them up
23:09is that enough?
23:10i smiled a little
23:11then i asked quietly
23:13don't you think i'm fat?
23:14like this i'm kinda ugly right?
23:17lucas stopped walking
23:19he did not let go of my hand
23:21he turned back and bent slightly
23:22his eyes were focused
23:24i looked
23:25his voice was serious
23:27you're cute
23:30everywhere
23:31lucas said it like he was giving an answer in class
23:33that was the moment my crush on him grew out of control
23:37i squeezed his hand back
23:39for the first time
23:40i tried to climb out of my own insecurity
23:43then
23:44in the next second
23:45he pushed me right back in
23:47for a long time after that
23:50i could not get up again
23:54lucas's lashes trembled
23:55his grip on my wrists loosened
23:57yes
23:58he lowered his eyes and gave a bitter smile
24:01i liked you a long time ago
24:04but being with you meant everyone would stare
24:06joke and laugh behind my back
24:09so you don't get to ask me for another chance now
24:13his confession came too late
24:15i turned and walked away
24:20after a few steps
24:21i heard his voice behind me
24:23it was low
24:24almost like he was talking to himself
24:26but i liked you
24:28more than any of them ever did
24:31i did not stop
24:32i took a breath
24:34then i pushed open the restaurant door
24:36inside
24:37most of our class was already there
24:40sebastian had not arrived yet
24:42miss carter smiled when she saw me
24:44lily
24:44you did well
24:45come sit
24:49bella's face darkened the moment i walked in
24:51then she suddenly smiled
24:54miss carter
24:55don't let lily's grades fool you
24:57she's not as innocent as she looks
25:00i looked at her
25:02what are you talking about
25:04come on lily
25:06we've already graduated
25:07it doesn't matter now
25:09she was secretly dating someone before finals
25:13i almost laughed
25:14before i could explain
25:16miss carter cut in
25:17who
25:18who is lily's boyfriend
25:21bella smiled wider
25:23sebastian cole
25:27bella continued her words
25:28i mean lily acts like such a good girl
25:31who knew she had a thing for the weirdest guy in school
25:34miss carter's eyes widened behind her glasses
25:37bella looked even more pleased
25:41he never takes off that mask
25:43maybe there is something ugly hiding underneath
25:48but lily you don't have to deny him just because your boyfriend is ugly
25:51when he gets here
25:52why don't you ask him to take off that mask
25:57let everyone see those burn scars
25:59compared to her rumor about me dating sebastian
26:02i hated her insulting him more
26:06bella have you ever seen scars on sebastian's face
26:09she choked
26:10no but then you made it up
26:13everyone says it
26:16everyone also says you only made cheer captain
26:18because your mom paid off the coach
26:20so according to you that must be true too right
26:24bella panicked at once
26:26who the hell said that
26:28bella looked around the room
26:29the restaurant got noisy
26:31another group of students crowded around miss carter
26:35miss carter
26:36i heard the principal say some billionaire son was in our class
26:39who is it is he hot
26:40he has to be hot right
26:42he's rich
26:46miss carter was pulled in two directions
26:48then it grew louder and louder
26:50then the door opened again
26:52everything went quiet
26:53everyone looked toward the entrance
27:08for a second the whole room forgot how to breathe
27:11his features were sharp and clean
27:13the man was almost too good looking to be real
27:16the girl closest to the door blushed first
27:20um are you looking for someone
27:21miss carter finally let out a breath
27:24then she smiled
27:25you don't recognize him
27:27the person you were all talking about
27:29is standing right in front of you
27:31bella's voice cracked
27:34sebastian cole
27:35the billionaire's son
27:37what the hell
27:38so this gorgeous guy is sebastian
27:40the same sebastian who transferred back from overseas
27:45and apparently lily's boyfriend
27:48i felt like lightning had struck me on the spot
27:54sebastian looked a little unfamiliar without the mask
27:57then he raised one brow and looked at me
28:02fine i accept
28:03i stared at him
28:05except he
28:06no way
28:12that's ghost boy
28:13i knew his eyes were too pretty for him to be ugly
28:16i thought that mask was hiding scars
28:18are we sure he's not some actor
28:20the dinner ended in scattered gasps and whispers
28:23on the way home sebastian answered every question i had
28:27at first he wore the mask because he had gotten into a fight before transferring
28:32the bruises on his face had not healed yet
28:36later he just got used to wearing it
28:38as for why he still took finals after being accepted early
28:42sebastian looked at me calmly
28:45to go to the same university as you girlfriend
28:48only then did i remember what miss carter had said at dinner
28:53you misunderstood bella was just
28:54this is my first relationship
28:56sebastian's eyes softened
28:58my parents were always working
29:00i grew up with nannies
29:03once they both missed my birthday
29:06so i ran away from home
29:08i thought someone would notice
29:11no one did
29:14after that i got used to it
29:15he said it like it was nothing
29:17but i still saw the shadow in his eyes
29:20my nose stung
29:22so even rich families could be this cruel
29:25sebastian noticed my eyes turning red
29:27don't feel bad for me
29:28this is the first time someone chose me and didn't give me up
29:35that's enough
29:41he sounded too used to begging for scraps of love
29:45that made it worse
29:46i pressed my lips together
29:49but the tears still fell
29:51don't cry lily
29:55then he suddenly returned to the earlier topic
29:58by the way
29:59what were you saying i misunderstood
30:02i froze
30:03the tears hung in my eyes
30:05i blinked fast
30:08after choking on my words twice
30:10i finally said stiffly
30:12nothing
30:14boyfriend
30:16if i denied it now
30:17sebastian might actually jump into the river
30:20he needed love too much
30:22and i could tell what i felt for him was different
30:25trying it would not hurt
30:30sebastian had already been accepted somewhere good
30:32but after i chose my university
30:34he gave up his spot and enrolled with me
30:36his cold work-obsessed family barely reacted
30:40by the end of summer
30:41i had fully accepted that sebastian cole was my boyfriend
30:45he never pushed too far
30:47the most he did was kiss my forehead when he walked me home
30:50other than being clingy
30:52he had almost no flaws
30:54on the first day of college
30:56reality hit me fast
30:57out of my three roommates
30:59two ignored me when i said hello
31:01the last one was bella heart
31:03her cheer record had helped her get into the school
31:07compared to my bad mood
31:09bella looked almost pleased when she saw me
31:12what a coincidence
31:14not really
31:16most students from our high school had stayed in state for college
31:20running into old classmates on campus was normal
31:23but some coincidences were still annoying
31:29like that evening
31:30when sebastian and i were eating dinner
31:33he told me lucas was in his major
31:35i felt depressed for a few seconds
31:37then i remembered lucas was good at fighting
31:40i quickly warned sebastian
31:42don't get into it with lucas when you're alone
31:44you can't beat him
31:47if he gives you trouble call campus security
31:50sebastian was picking the carrots out of my food
31:52without looking up he asked slowly
31:55how do you know i can't beat him
31:57he had no idea how dangerous lucas was
32:00this concerned his personal safety
32:02so i put down my fork and said seriously
32:06don't act tough
32:08he's really good at fighting
32:12i've seen lucas fight a few times
32:14he barely lost
32:15maybe i sounded too serious
32:17sebastian seemed hurt
32:19after a long pause
32:20he pushed the food he had picked clean back to me
32:23then he nodded
32:23got it
32:25i'm useless
32:26i won't mess with him
32:27i forgot sebastian was sensitive
32:29my words had hurt him
32:30for the rest of dinner he barely spoke
32:32even though he was upset
32:34he still quietly peeled shrimp for me
32:35i bit my fork and looked at him carefully
32:38the guilt got worse
32:42after dinner we did what college couples were supposed to do
32:45we went for a walk
32:46from the track to the quiet path by the campus lake
32:50i apologized to sebastian the whole way
32:53after a long time
32:55he finally softened a little
32:58lily comfort me
33:01i am comforting you
33:03not enough
33:05his breath brushed hot against my ear
33:08kiss me
33:10please
33:10his voice was so close that i shivered
33:13my breath hitched
33:16where
33:17both our voices had gone quiet
33:19sebastian tugged down the collar of his hoodie
33:21here
33:23i stood on tiptoe and kissed him
33:26sebastian held the back of my head
33:29leave a mark
33:33let everyone know i'm yours
33:35i followed what he told me to do
33:38i pressed my lips there
33:40then i bit down lightly
33:44my face burned red
33:46i pushed him away and lowered my head
33:48done
33:51it felt nice
33:54next time
33:55leave a few more okay
33:56wasn't it supposed to go both ways
33:59why didn't he kiss me
34:01i could not bring myself to ask
34:03so i stared at him for a few seconds
34:06then i shook my head
34:07no
34:09hopefully he would understand what he had done wrong
34:11and next time he would offer to kiss me too
34:17after college started i joined the volleyball club
34:20at first everything seemed normal
34:22then i realized coach was strange
34:24whenever he corrected my posture he stood too close
34:28lily raise your arms
34:29he came up behind me
34:31i could almost feel his breath near the back of my neck
34:34i stepped away quietly
34:38you can just tell me what to fix
34:40he did not take the hint
34:42he smiled
34:43but you're too stiff freshman
34:45then he suddenly flicked my forehead
34:47other girls wish i'd help them myself
34:50during break bella sat beside him with her water bottle
34:53she raised her voice just enough for me to hear
34:58wow lily
34:59coach is so nice to you
35:01if you didn't already had a boyfriend
35:03you could totally consider him
35:05coach's face changed
35:08boyfriend
35:09you have a boyfriend
35:12i looked away from bella
35:14and nodded
35:15coach stared at me for a few seconds
35:19you have a boyfriend and didn't say anything
35:23what were you leading me on
35:27did you ask
35:28and honestly
35:29you're not exactly worth leading on
35:31before he could answer
35:32bella slammed her bottle down
35:34and stood up
35:36who do you think you're talking to
35:38your boyfriend isn't even on his level
35:41he's useless and creepy
35:43anger shot straight to my head
35:45before i could think
35:47i walked up to bella
35:48then i slapped her hard across the place
35:52i warned you not to insult sebastian again
35:55bella froze with one hand on her cheek
35:57you hit me
35:58the next second she lunged at me
36:01we crashed into each other
36:02all the anger i had swallowed for years finally came out
36:06three girls finally pulled me away
36:08coach looked at me coldly
36:11then he made his decision on the spot
36:15you started it
36:16stay after practice
36:19run drills
36:20until i say
36:22you're done
36:24bella dusts herself off
36:26and smiles like she has won
36:30under the evening heat
36:32i stayed on the court
36:33and ran drills alone
36:35by the time coach finally let me go
36:38everyone else had already left
36:39i dragged myself back to the dorm
36:42after i showered
36:44i was too tired to move
36:46i was also starving
36:49then sebastian called
36:50and made me come downstairs
36:52the moment i saw him
36:54i fell into his arms
36:55and started complaining
36:56halfway through
36:58i felt so yonged
36:59that i cried
37:00sebastian i'm so hungry
37:02i barely ate anything today
37:05i really want sausage rolls
37:08sebastian went quiet
37:09too quiet
37:12he helped me sit on the bench
37:13nearby
37:14then he went to buy food for me
37:17after i finished eating
37:18he checked his phone
37:20his face showed nothing
37:22go back and rest lily
37:23i have something to do
37:25i'll come find you later
37:26i looked at him for two seconds
37:27then i lowered my eyes
37:29okay i'll head back
37:33then he turned away
37:35but i remembered the message
37:37i had accidentally seen on his phone
37:40sebastian that asshole from volleyball
37:42is at the pool hall
37:43come over
37:47i quietly followed him
37:49for some reason i suddenly thought of blake
37:51showing up with bruises back in senior year
37:53pieces of old memories came together in my head
37:56and they all pointed to one fact
37:59sebastian had been pretending to be weak this whole time
38:02that guess was confirmed when i stood outside the pool hall
38:05i looked through the glass
38:08sebastian stood beside a pool table
38:10coach and three other guys lay scattered across the floor
38:14sebastian did not have a scratch on him
38:17sebastian holds a broken pool cue in his hand
38:21the sharp wooden end hovered less than an inch from coach's eye
38:26coach
38:29you were interested in my girlfriend
38:32coach shook his head hard
38:33no no
38:35i wasn't
38:37i swear
38:39sebastian turned the broken pool cue lazily between his fingers
38:43my girlfriend had a rough day
38:46how are you planning to make it up to her
38:49coach trembled
38:51what do you want me to do
38:55sebastian seemed too bored to answer
38:57he shifted the broken key
39:00the sharp wooden end and his throat coaches called
39:03before it could go down
39:05i spoke
39:08sebastian
39:09my voice was calm
39:10his whole body froze
39:15until coach and the others ran out in a panic sebastian still did not turn around
39:20i walked over and crouched in front of him
39:22then i took the broken pool cue out of his hand
39:27sebastian lowered his hand
39:28his throat moved a few times before he spoke
39:31his voice was hoarse
39:32i'm sorry
39:34i stayed quiet
39:36after a long moment
39:37he asked again
39:39are you gonna break up with me
39:41i looked up at once
39:43his eyes were red
39:45something dark and restless moves in sebastian's eyes
39:48he looked nothing like the harmless sebastian who leaned on me and said his stomach hurt
39:53i sighed and curled my fingers into his palm
39:56only then did he calm down a little
39:59of course i'm not breaking up with you over this
40:02i just don't understand why you lied to me
40:06sebastian wrapped his hand tightly around mine
40:08his smile looked pale and bitter
40:12because i knew you didn't like me
40:16you only agreed to date me because you felt sorry for me
40:21if i didn't look pitiful enough you would leave
40:23then i held his face in both hands
40:27sebastian look at me
40:30i feel sorry for a lot of people
40:33but i don't date them just because they're pitiful
40:36liking someone isn't charity
40:38it's not something i hand out because someone looks sad
40:41he gripped my hand
40:43his eyes were almost stubborn
40:46you can't lie to me
40:51sebastian was wound too tight
40:53so i leaned in and kissed him lightly
40:55fine if he would not kiss me first i could do it
41:01if i'm lying i'll never get to eat sausage rolls again
41:03sebastian finally relaxed
41:05that night we walked through the quiet street outside campus
41:09i swung his hand as i walked
41:12listen
41:14we're actually perfect for each other
41:16you're really good fighting and i'm pretty good too
41:18today i basically pinned bella to the ground
41:22she barely touched me
41:23her face is gonna be swollen for at least a week
41:28sebastian squeezed my hand
41:30next time
41:31you don't have to do it
41:33i'll handle them
41:35but
41:36bella is a girl
41:39sebastian answered without much thought
41:43i'll use a pink bat
41:44i burst it
41:45then i stood on tiptoe and kissed his cheek loudly
41:51i like you so much sebastian cole
41:56sebastian was not the kind of guy lucas said he was
41:59he did not only solve problems with violence
42:02before going after coach
42:03he had already collected screenshots
42:06messages
42:07statements from other girls
42:09and proof that bella had cheated her way into her cheer scholarship
42:13then he submitted everything to the school
42:15the next day coach was suspended from the club team
42:19bella lost her scholarship
42:21she was removed from the cheer program
42:23everything happened so fast that i could barely believe it
42:27sebastian met my suspicious eyes
42:29then he lazily touched my lashes with one finger
42:32my mom graduated from this school
42:34she donated a library three years ago
42:36right now she's talking to the school about funding two new dorm buildings
42:41later i met sebastian's mother once on campus
42:44remembering his lonely childhood
42:46i carefully told her to be nicer to him
42:49that little brat told you we abandoned him
42:51i nodded sadly
42:53that year he was only seven years old
42:56we missed one birthday dinner because of work
43:00so he took his father's phone and texted our assistant
43:03told him to prepare the private repped
43:05he wanted to fly to melbourne alone
43:07when we caught him he was afraid his father would punish him
43:12so he hid in the hotel for two days
43:14and told everyone he had run away from home
43:18if the housekeeper hadn't found him eating cake in there
43:20your boyfriend would still be telling people he survived in the wild
43:24i stared at her
43:25so that was the tragic childhood he told me about
43:31a sudden laugh came from not far away
43:33the mood went cold
43:34lucas stood under a streetlight watching me
43:37so now you're into violence
43:43just because he beat up a few guys for you you're obsessed
43:46sebastian was still upset about me saying he could not beat lucas
43:50the second lucas opened his mouth sebastian's face went dark
43:53he started walking toward him
43:55i grabbed his arm in time
43:59is he even worth fighting lucas is obviously weaker than you
44:03if you fight him that's basically bullying
44:07you could make him cry without even trying
44:14what if he breaks down and calls the police
44:17coward
44:19you couldn't even like someone in public
44:23what makes you think you can compete with me
44:25lucas's face darkened
44:26he gave a cold smile and stepped forward
44:29i had no patience left
44:30i pulled the pepper spray from my back
44:32then i sprayed him straight in the face
44:37no one helped him
44:39he would probably need a while before he could open his eyes again
44:42for a second
44:43the way he stood there in pain
44:45reminded me of myself in the rain
44:46back then i had sat alone on the court
44:49no one was willing to help me
44:50now lucas looked just as helpless
44:53lucas
44:55seeing you like this makes me feel like i finally walked out of that rain
44:58i would not choke on that humiliation anymore
45:01i did not need him to suffer exactly the way i had suffered
45:05this was enough
45:05you
45:06you
45:07you
45:08you
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