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Short filmTranscript
00:15I always do this when I get nervous I put too much makeup on and then I look crazy.
00:24I was going to do the show but now I think I might just walk center stage and hang myself.
00:34Me rifling through a disgusting bag trying to find a half-eaten Zyrtec so that when I start crying I
00:42know it's from emotions and not pollen.
00:48Yes, I'm an autodidact which I thought meant that your blood didn't clot and I found out yesterday it means
00:53you're self-taught.
01:13When selecting gemstones I always choose something that goes with my skin tone and I'm both the winter and the
01:19summer.
01:23Oh great, they have it locked.
01:32Weirdness follows me wherever I go Weirdness seems to know me even better than I seem to know myself I'm
01:42someone else.
01:42Yell out the last word of every joke.
01:44Okay.
01:45Because that makes it more funny.
01:46I'm covered in scabs.
01:49If you're nervous you can't show them any fear.
01:52They can't know that you're afraid.
01:54Why do you think I wear this much makeup Margaret?
01:56I'm covered in scabs.
01:58Try to keep your asshole really tight like shut really tight like if you had a tail you would put
02:02it over the top of it.
02:04Oh I have a tail.
02:05Soldier, take your time.
02:08Please welcome to the stage the complex multi-talents of the inimitable, the incomparable, skinny legend herself Miss Trixie Patel!
02:16No one said the words I'll have to rhyme and if they do it's fine and even if they don't.
02:23No one needs to know.
02:25Oh soldier you gotta let things go.
02:40Aaaaah.
02:45Aaaaaah.
02:48Aaaaaah.
02:52Aaaaaah.
02:54Aaaaaah.
02:55Ah!
02:58Ah!
02:59Ah!
03:00Ah!
03:00Ah!
03:00And a whoop.
03:01Whoop!
03:02Ah!
03:07Thank you all tonight for coming to the Ricardo Montalban Theater.
03:10Now many of you know my assistant, Ryan.
03:13Clap for Ryan.
03:17Now we thought of a way to make the ending a big finish.
03:20Are you ready?
03:21Are you ready?
03:23Ryan, hit it!
03:32Okay.
03:32Okay.
03:35We might need this tomorrow.
03:36Okay.
03:38And that was my show.
03:39Have such a great night.
03:40Bye.
03:44Okay.
03:46I'm so happy to see so many of you.
03:48I love you.
03:49I love you.
03:49I trust you.
03:50Trust ball.
03:51Okay.
03:51Okay.
03:52That would be a pretty strong way to start the show though, wouldn't it?
03:58I might do it, bitch.
04:01Can you tell I'm kind of an insecure performer?
04:03Most people call that a stage dive.
04:05I'm like, it's a trust ball.
04:08Oh.
04:11By the way, we're taping this.
04:16Like, Trixie, tonight you're taped.
04:18I'm like, mama.
04:19I'm taped every night.
04:22Have you ever used Goo Gone on your piss slit?
04:28I'm really pumped to be here tonight, you guys.
04:30I performed here many a time and I got so excited getting ready tonight.
04:33My first special, I felt like one of those deaf people turning on a cochlear implant.
04:36I was like, oh, come on.
04:50They're not going to hear about it.
04:55Oh, come on.
04:58They're not going to hear about it.
05:00I just want to address the elephant in the room tonight.
05:02I know a lot of you guys came here tonight thinking you were going to be going to a drag
05:05show.
05:05You know?
05:05You said to your friends, Stephanie, Roberta, I don't know.
05:10You said, let's go to a drag show.
05:12It's going to be a man dressed as a woman.
05:15And then instead you guys got here and, oh.
05:21That's a woman.
05:24That's a woman.
05:28Like, all the way from the balcony you guys were like, wow, Dakota Fanning.
05:39And then from like the middle of the back of the floor seats, you guys were like, wow, Hayden Panettiere.
05:48And then up front, you guys up close, you're like, Janice from the Muppets.
05:51Holy fucking shit.
05:56I've been traveling so much.
05:57I haven't gotten to perform in LA super recently, but I was just in Australia.
06:00I never get the picture with like the koala.
06:02You know, I've heard the drag queens go there and they all have the koala or whatever.
06:05And I asked the gay guys there, I'm like, is it really worth it?
06:07Is it really cool, the koalas?
06:08And they go, yeah.
06:12But they've all got chlamydia.
06:15And good luck held them when they sleep 16 hours a day.
06:19Hey, listen, if sleeping all day and having chlamydia makes you a koala, why don't you put this pussy on
06:34the endangered species list?
06:38But I perform for all different types of audiences.
06:41This is a drag fan audience, but my favorite type of audience is bear audiences.
06:44Are bears here tonight?
06:45Woo!
06:49The straight girls are like, I know what bears are.
06:51I've seen drag race.
07:02Fears.
07:08No, I just recently did a whole bear event and it was the theater just like this.
07:13But imagine the biggest, toughest gay guys you've ever seen rolling into the theater.
07:17It was very, like, mask for sleep mask, you know?
07:22But that was a joke about sleep apnea.
07:27Which is a phenomenon where your body is so big that your lungs are like, pssh, lights out big boy!
07:40I mean, imagine being body shamed by your own lungs.
07:46I love sleeping with big chubby guys, though, because they all have those sleep masks they sleep with at night.
07:50They all kind of remind me of, like, gay Bane from Batman.
07:56I'm like, babe!
08:02Yes, mama boots the house down for the guards.
08:09So there's a lot of new material tonight.
08:10The big thing is, you guys, coming out here, I was just afraid I would bomb, you know?
08:16But then I thought, in these short little shoes with this big blonde hair, if I really did bomb, you
08:20guys would just be like,
08:21wow, Lady Bunny was really off her game.
08:37Don't worry, I got it.
08:40One time I was trying to get this guitar on in drag and someone yelled,
08:42someone help her!
08:48Which, you know, as a live performer, not really what I'm hoping to hear from the audience.
08:53Someone help her!
08:56But honestly, I figured tonight, you guys, if I really did bomb, I would just change my drag name to
09:00Isis.
09:05Or are you offended on behalf of Isis?
09:10How many of you have never seen me before?
09:14And how many of you have seen me before?
09:15Woo!
09:21It's nice.
09:23Normally, I don't have a huge repeat audience.
09:27And some of you are about to find out why.
09:31This show could get quite offensive.
09:34This show could get kind of rude.
09:37You'll think to yourself, I could be anywhere else.
09:41At the movies or eating a food.
09:56Audiences get quite defensive.
09:59When the jokes become kind of crude.
10:03You'll turn to your friends, you'll say,
10:05When does this end?
10:07I hate it.
10:10Who is she?
10:13And...
10:14Bill.
10:17But capitalism is just tapping to the rhythm of the sound of your pocket full of change.
10:23I mean, I rhyme tapping with tapping to the rhythm.
10:25I mean, that's amazing.
10:28And if that doesn't impress you, I want to tell you one thing.
10:32I've already got your money.
10:38I've already got your money.
10:41Even all the bees know the price of honey.
10:45And I'm just the comb.
10:47And if you don't like it, you can go home.
10:57These days, everyone's so sensitive.
11:00I'm never sure just what to say.
11:03No jokes about blacks in my one-woman act.
11:07About the Mormon, the Jewish, or...
11:09Gay.
11:12I can make a gay joke, I have a gay friend.
11:18Honestly, if you are offended, how many fucks am I meant to give?
11:23When you're already here anyway.
11:27I'll say what I want to these motherfuckers in the front.
11:30Hello.
11:32That's a pretty nice seat over there, sir, in the floral shirt.
11:37Wow. Rich.
11:39Those are nice seats.
11:41I would hate to offend you sitting right up front like this.
11:43But what's it matter?
11:46He's already paid.
11:50Capitalism is just tapping to the rhythm of the sound of your pocket full of change.
11:57I've already got your money.
11:59What if it was like really Blink 22?
12:01Already got your money.
12:06My job here is to be funny.
12:08And occasionally say...
12:11Oh honey.
12:17I might at least say that once tonight, okay?
12:20And if that's not enough for you...
12:23I've already got your money.
12:26Sing it, Trixie Metellus.
12:27I've already got your money.
12:29This sounds so good.
12:30I've already got RuPaul's money.
12:39And if you don't like it, you can go home.
12:51I love that.
12:56Honestly, my job as a comedian is to try to relate to as many of you as possible.
13:00But honestly, because of the last couple of years of my meteoric rise to fame and fortune,
13:06it's hard for me to find common ground with some of you, you know?
13:08Honestly, at this point, the show is just about me and the front views of rich people.
13:15Them?
13:16Balcony?
13:16Mama, I don't know them.
13:22The fucking cast of Les Mis up there? No.
13:31They all have little cropped haircuts and they're covered in ashes.
13:33Hi.
13:37And if you guys up there, if you can see the front viewers of rich people, they all have like
13:40fur.
13:40They're like...
13:41Whoa.
13:46So this song...
13:47Yeah.
13:48This song.
13:50This is for you front rows of rich people.
13:55Hey, rich people.
13:58Beautiful rich people.
14:00Don't you hate it?
14:01When you double park your boat.
14:06Whoa.
14:07Whoa.
14:09Hey, rich people.
14:11Just you guys.
14:13Rich people.
14:15Don't you hate it?
14:16When you spill the blood of the poor on your fur coat.
14:24You got more money, you've got more problems.
14:27Can't use a hundred dollar bill...
14:29...as a condo.
14:30And the water, so...
14:49Honestly, it's just about us.
14:51Hey, rich people.
14:53Just you guys.
14:54Rich people.
14:56Don't you hate it?
14:58When your ring turns your finger green.
15:00I'm just kidding.
15:00That doesn't happen to us.
15:06Rich.
15:12Hey, rich people.
15:14Not you guys.
15:15Rich people.
15:17Don't you hate it?
15:18When the hooker turns out to be 17.
15:29It's like, I'm pretty sure I paid for 16.
15:46If you're not laughing, you're looking a little guilty.
15:53Some intergenerational gay couple's like, we should leave.
16:03You got more money and things go wrong.
16:06The only way to relate is through a song.
16:19Hey, rich people.
16:21I know you feel me, rich people.
16:25Don't you hate it?
16:26When it's New Year's Eve in West Hollywood, and you're with Betsy Johnson and Johnny Weir and Pamela Anderson.
16:32And all of a sudden, Pamela goes, we should go to Vegas.
16:35And you go, Pamela, we haven't even packed.
16:37And she pulls out her Visa card and goes, we're packed.
16:46And three days later, you wake up in a taxi outside of the Bellagio Hotel wearing nothing but flip-flops.
16:53And that 17-year-old hooker died.
16:59And you have to change your name to Trixie Mottol.
17:11You got more money and things get harder.
17:15Just ask a celebrity like me.
17:18Or Jennifer Gardner.
17:25Oh, rich people.
17:27Oh, rich people.
17:29Oh, rich people.
17:32Oh, rich people.
17:43Great.
17:46Some of you guys, I know you.
17:47I recognize your face from the meet and greet.
17:51Meet and greets are fun for you.
17:56No, for me, it's like that scene in Precious where her dad's fucking her.
17:59I just sort of leave my body.
18:11Did you need me to sing a song again?
18:13Are you good?
18:18The thing about meet and greets, you guys, is meet and greets, we're big, tall, scary drag queens.
18:22So meet and greets, people get up to us and they get very emotional very quickly.
18:26People get up to me and they just panic.
18:28They're just, Trixie, I was abused.
18:34And I'm always like, just now?
18:40What did he look like?
18:43Is he still here?
18:52Trixie, I was diagnosed with cancer and you really helped me.
18:56I heard chemo helps more.
19:01Might want to step it up.
19:06Oh, come on, laughter is the best medicine.
19:11Unless you have cancer.
19:21Trixie, I want you to know that I was sexually molested too.
19:23And my molester used to smoke parliaments.
19:26And to this day, when I smell cigarette smoke, my pussy tightens up.
19:34And I'm just like...
19:39You want me to sign your trucker hat or...
19:52I don't know if I'm going to help you.
20:01People say all kinds of crazy shit to us at meet and greets.
20:04I was at a meet and greet with Bob the drag queen.
20:09Yeah, we get it.
20:10He's not like you.
20:13Did you guys forget to invite your black friends tonight or...
20:19Although I know exactly what's happening.
20:20It's always some white girl with her black friend giving full show choir.
20:23Black friend!
20:30But I was at a meet and greet with Bob.
20:32And this girl gets up to us and Bob goes,
20:34Can you turn the flash on because I'm very black?
20:37That's not the joke, ma'am.
20:38Wow.
20:46Wow.
20:51Okay, this section's on timeout.
20:55Sorry.
20:58You guys are the new middle.
21:03And Bob goes, can you turn the flash on because I'm very black?
21:07And the girl goes, stop it, Bob.
21:09You're beautiful.
21:17I was like, first of all, you're racist.
21:22Taking them all.
21:23You are lying to her.
21:27I was doing Grindr's Christmas party.
21:29I know, very A-list.
21:31And they were like, okay, we want Trixie to wear all red and we're going to have employees sit on
21:35her lap.
21:37I was like, what if I wore all white and nobody touches me?
21:43And they were like, okay.
21:47Merry Christmas.
21:54And it's not getting easier as I get older.
21:57You guys, I'm getting older.
21:58My body's changing.
22:01I'm shifting back into a bag of leaves.
22:09By the way, you guys are really good fans.
22:11I say some crazy shit like I'm turning into leaves and you guys are like, yeah, girl, we're all leaves.
22:15What the fuck is she talking about?
22:20And I always wanted to be one of those people where I'm getting older and people go, you are aging
22:24well.
22:25Instead, they go, you are aging.
22:30Well.
22:32Like, look at me from season seven of Drag Race to All-Stars.
22:35It's like Tom Riddle, Voldemort.
22:41He said, Voldemort, yeah.
22:48Get this the hell out of here.
22:50Can you just, I can't walk.
22:52Can you just grab that?
22:55We all float, Georgie.
23:00I'm getting older, you guys, and out of drag, I have a very distinct look.
23:04You know, some would say I look like Patrick Stewart as a gay farmer.
23:10Some say I look like an ASL interpreter who moonlights as a Klan member.
23:21I think I look like Caillou with fetal alcohol syndrome.
23:32But I started losing my hair very young.
23:34So I thought, okay, if I shave my head, I will look the same forever.
23:37So I shaved my head.
23:38I thought I would look like Vin Diesel.
23:40Instead, I'm just Bobby Hill.
23:45And nobody tells you this.
23:46Anybody have a shaved head?
23:47It's a lot of fucking work, isn't it?
23:50I just do chemo now.
23:51It's just...
23:56It's just easier.
24:01I've already got your money.
24:06Men's Health Magazine also says if you can't smell toast, it means you're going to have
24:09a stroke within three months.
24:10So every day I wake up, I burn the shit out of some bread and just...
24:16We're good!
24:20I would like to stay alive.
24:22I mean, dying affects you the least.
24:24Dying affects the people around you.
24:26When you die, you don't care.
24:27You're peace out, A-town.
24:33But when you die, it affects the other people around you.
24:37Like, I remember my ex-boyfriend's mom passed away of lung cancer, and I found out because
24:43the Netflix I've been stealing for three years expired.
24:55I was like, really, Tammy?
24:56You couldn't have held on until I found out if they made him a murderer or not?
25:0129 years old.
25:03Ladies, my erection.
25:07I know I have so many fans that are teen girls, and I always wonder how they relate to me.
25:11They're like, my fucking erection, too, Trixie.
25:18Relatable goals AF, mom.
25:24I mean, 29 years old.
25:26I mean, my erection, my boyfriend, his dick is hard before, during, and even way after sex.
25:31His dick is still porn star erect the entire event.
25:36His dick is like, if you're having a house party, and everybody went home, but there's
25:39that one girl.
25:43She's sitting at the end of your bed, drinking a PBR, going, I think I'm going to get bangs.
25:49She's doing that drunk white girl thing where she pulls her ponytail up to the front.
25:53Bang!
25:5829 years old.
25:59For me to get my erection, I had when I was, like, 20.
26:02I need, like, three friends and four candles.
26:04Light as a feather, stiff as a board.
26:06Light as a feather, stiff as a board.
26:07Light as a feather, stiff as a board.
26:12I know.
26:14That was a pretty well-crafted joke.
26:23And sexually, guys, I am changing gears.
26:26I'm like, is there a way we can do this where we're both on our backs?
26:33Put our dicks on a couple Roombas and hope they find each other somewhere in the room.
26:40And I know that sexually, I'm only losing appeal.
26:43The other day, my boyfriend woke up and was like, oh, baby, your hole felt so tight.
26:46I was like, I gave you a blowjob.
27:06I mean, at 29, I'm only swallowing because if I get up to spit, my knees pop.
27:18I'm like,
27:24He's like, babe, are you okay?
27:25I'm like, I'm just shuffling a deck of cards.
27:26Go back to sleep.
27:34And the thing about drag is, it only ages you faster.
27:38I was outside the theater today in like full phase and someone was like, are you just dressed up for
27:41fun?
27:46It's like, that's not a thing.
27:49I do a lot of family events and it's always rich white people and their kids.
27:53Trixie, can we have a picture with our kids, Eden, Aiden, and Aiden?
27:59No.
28:02I was doing a family event, you guys, and they had aerial artists who hang from the ceiling, you know,
28:05on those ropes.
28:05The whole fucking show, I wanted to wrap that rope around my neck.
28:08It's all for you, Damien.
28:17And then, of course, I take a picture with the kid, I'm like, stay in school, kid.
28:22I got my BFA and look at me now.
28:28Someday, Simba.
28:31Everything the light touches will be yours.
28:36But I'm kind of a public figure, you know, I get roped into the kid thing.
28:39People are like, Trixie, are you pro-life?
28:41Are you pro-choice?
28:42I'm like, listen, I'm gay.
28:47We douche.
28:50We don't even carry a bowel movement to full term.
29:05The straight girls are like, Trixie's fierce.
29:10Anybody here with a kid tonight?
29:12They're like, I'm not answering now.
29:15They're so young.
29:16I mean, parents, anybody parents?
29:17Are you parents?
29:17Perants.
29:18Okay.
29:19I mean, it is really incredible.
29:21Because kids start out fucking stupid.
29:26You have to teach them everything.
29:28My friend volunteers as Santa for homeless kids in New York, right?
29:31It's so sweet.
29:32Guess what the number one thing is?
29:34Homeless kids ask for for Christmas.
29:36I'll give you a hint.
29:38Not a home.
29:45An iPhone.
29:48It's like, where are you going to charge it, Billy?
29:59Think it through.
30:01Do it right.
30:15What they don't tell you about having kids.
30:16I mean, if you're gay and you want kids, it takes a lot of fucking work, doesn't it?
30:21Two snaps.
30:21It does.
30:24And I snap instead of clapping, so you know how lazy I am.
30:32Having kids is a lot of work.
30:34You want a baby?
30:35You want a mother's ready?
30:35You better work, bitch.
30:39Like, let's say you want to do a surrogate.
30:41You have to plan ahead.
30:42Save money.
30:43Kidnap a teenage girl.
30:47Or let's say you want to adopt.
30:49You have to live in a nice neighborhood.
30:51Pass a background check.
30:53Kidnap a teenage girl.
30:58And babies can be super fucking expensive if you want.
31:02You know, a good one.
31:05I was not going to say white one.
31:07Oh, my God.
31:10You guys are awful.
31:13Besides little brown babies, A, cuter.
31:17B, you don't have to say for college, win-win.
31:23Because of unique scholarship opportunity.
31:26You know what, you guys?
31:27Wow.
31:30Was anybody here spanked as a kid?
31:31Okay.
31:32See?
31:33When people, look.
31:35When people are spanked as a kid, they're so weirdly proud of it.
31:40I was like, who's been spanked?
31:41You're like, yes, I was once a week, whether I needed it or not.
31:49If I missed curfew, your grandfather would snap me in the eye with a rubber band.
31:54One year for Christmas, my mom got me an envelope of anthrax.
31:57Merry fucking Christmas.
32:02Of the people who've been spanked, would you spank your kids?
32:06Because sometimes they're really asking for it.
32:08The kids are like, oh, thank me, you know?
32:19Listen, I was a hot kid.
32:27Total chilf.
32:37Can we talk about how Fina's cue is chilf?
32:42She's backstage like, chilf.
32:44Okay, got it.
32:46Anyway, that was pretty bad.
32:52But anyway, that was it.
32:53That's the song.
32:53Bye.
32:55But if you guys know me, you know I'm from the deep, deep country, and I grew up with siblings.
32:59I'm not a parent, but I have siblings that are so many.
33:01Anybody have very young siblings?
33:03Okay.
33:04When you're an older sibling, you get to be parental without like, ugh, the whole thing, right?
33:08And my sister, you know, we're from a very small town.
33:10I remember telling her like, listen, you're a young woman.
33:12If you want something in this world, you got to get out of this small town and go get it.
33:16You know?
33:17Hopefully she doesn't want to wear wigs on TV, because that's kind of my thing.
33:22But I wrote this song specifically for her, and it's called Little Sister.
33:37Little boy's supposed to do what he's told.
33:40Little girl's supposed to polish her toes.
33:42Maybe they're together when they're older and all hurled out.
33:47Daddy's supposed to put bread on the table.
33:49Daddy's gone and your mama ain't able.
33:51Are you hungry when the money's all run out?
33:55Tell me, little dear, if he only lived here, did you really ever live at all?
34:00Because you'd be amazed in the summer of the days of the spring turning to fall.
34:04Just listen to your brother, you can run in the cover of the night sky when it falls.
34:10I know that you think that you're growing, but you're just tall.
34:20Oh, I got to tell you this.
34:23Sorry.
34:24Moms, I got to tell you this.
34:25I wrote that song for my sister, right?
34:26And I played it for her, and I was like, I wrote this song for you, right?
34:29I want you to hear it.
34:30I played it for her, and that fucking bitch could not have reacted less.
34:36She's 18 years old on her phone, like, whatever, fag.
34:38Like, no.
34:41No response.
34:44So then the song comes out last year.
34:46The album comes out.
34:47The album went to number one, and suddenly...
34:52And suddenly, one of my friends is like, oh my God, are you the sister that little sister's about?
34:56And she goes, I am.
35:03And when I first heard that song, I sobbed.
35:08So parents, kids are also fucking liars.
35:21Tell me, little dear, if he only lived here, did you really ever live at all?
35:25Would you be amazed in the summer of the days, if the spring turn in the fall?
35:29Just listen to your brother, you can run, and the cover of the night sky when it falls.
35:35I know that you think that you're going, but you just don't.
35:41Ooh-ooh-ooh.
35:45Ooh-ooh-ooh.
35:50Ooh-ooh-ooh.
35:53Ooh-ooh-ooh.
36:02Ooh-ooh-ooh.
36:14No homo-mobic fighting.
36:15Thank God.
36:17Thank God.
36:19I don't care if you don't like my hair, because I know it's insane.
36:25Do I have enough makeup on my chest?
36:27Is there time to pull out?
36:30Amazing.
36:31And I don't get too rude if you don't like my tits, because I know they're amazing.
36:39And I don't give a shit if you don't like my tits, because I know they're amazing.
36:47Amazing.
37:02Get back in your seat.
37:03We can all see you.
37:05You guys, second half.
37:07Woo-woo!
37:10It's really fun.
37:11This is a cool weekend to do this because everybody,
37:13how many of you are not from L.A.?
37:17That's what I'm saying.
37:17You're all like, fuck this place.
37:20Because listen, I'm a country gay too, okay?
37:22I'm from Wisconsin.
37:23Anybody ever been to Wisconsin?
37:25You have?
37:27If you guys, if you've never been to Wisconsin,
37:29take a weekend, go for a drive.
37:31We have the most beautiful serial killers you've ever seen.
37:36Do you know what Jeffrey Dahmer looks like?
37:38A wavy blonde hair.
37:40If you guys don't know, Jeffrey Dahmer was a serial killer,
37:43used to take guys home from the club,
37:45give them date rape drugs,
37:47and then have sex with their bodies.
37:50Different strokes, right?
37:53But you guys, he was so gorgeous,
37:54he could have given me like a baby aspirin.
37:56I would have been like, I feel funny.
37:59Oh.
38:06But if you guys know your Jeffrey Dahmer history,
38:08you know that he was only interested in young men of color.
38:10So, Trixie Mattel, always the bridesmaid, never the bride.
38:18Guys, when I lived in the country, I mean, I was a gay kid.
38:21I was gay from day, gay one.
38:24I remember the day I was born, the doctor was like, push.
38:27I was like, push it real good.
38:37You guys, I had one of those, when you were, how many of you young guys,
38:39did you have one of those gay voices where people would call and they would think that you're your mama?
38:45He's like, it happened the other day, yeah.
38:49I had it even worse than that.
38:50People would call and be like, excuse me, young parakeet, is your owner home?
38:57I'd be like...
39:03And I'll never forget, you guys, coming out when you live in the country is very scary, right?
39:07Because your parents can hit you.
39:09So, I remember I was sitting across to my mom and I was like...
39:13Because that's how you say it.
39:14She could not have taken the wind out of my sails faster.
39:19I was like...
39:20She was like, girl.
39:25I was like...
39:28I was wearing exactly this.
39:31When I was young in the country and gay, I was always wondering why people are gay.
39:35And experts...
39:36Hard candy?
39:37No, go ahead, bitch.
39:39Go, you better eat that hard candy right now.
39:43What is it?
39:44Peanut M&M's?
39:47You better give me one.
39:53Literally one.
39:53Okay, no.
40:02I'm going to save it and if I do a good job on the show, I'll have it later.
40:08Literally silenced.
40:09He said...
40:13It's because people are used to seeing drag queens on TV.
40:15They're like, they can't hear us.
40:15Bitch, I hear you.
40:18Even when I'm on TV, I hear you.
40:24As I was saying, guh, experts hypothesize that you were gay because you're over-sexualized as a child.
40:32But I'm not gay because, like, my dad touched me.
40:36I'm gay because I loved it, right?
40:40I'm kidding.
40:41I did not have a dad.
40:46I know it's hard to imagine I didn't have a male presence in my life.
40:54Experts also hypothesize that you were gay because it's genetic.
40:57But I don't believe that either because I could never get my brother to nuts.
41:00So I don't know.
41:08I mean, now, people are so lucky now.
41:09Young gay guys have coming out day.
41:11A whole day devoted to coming.
41:13Back in my day, coming out day was the day your mom discovered the history on your internet browser.
41:21But listen, if I wasn't going to do drag anymore, I think I would love to be...
41:24I think I could be, like, the next Queer Eye guy.
41:26Do you guys f*** with Queer Eye?
41:29It is so good that I think I could be there to ground them because they get a little far
41:33-fetched sometimes, you know?
41:35They go to someone's house and they're like,
41:37Listen, I know your family's falling apart because your parents died, so we had their bodies exhumed.
41:46Move that bus. Move that bus.
41:51Listen, Dave, father of two.
41:55I know you said you wear a lot of hooded sweatshirts because you're kind of hiding, not really making a
41:59fashion statement,
42:00so we thought we'd update your wardrobe a little bit.
42:03This is a Bob Mackie, backless, beaded.
42:06Why don't you slip that on?
42:09I just think they're insensitive sometimes.
42:11It's like, listen, I know your family's falling apart because your parents burned to death in a house fire,
42:16and at night you can hear them screaming from the burning.
42:20So we're going to burn your mouth with some jalapeno margaritas.
42:27Can you believe who gave us permission?
42:35I'll probably stay in TV.
42:36I mean, when I first moved here, I had to get so much work done on my teeth.
42:41It's not the joke, thank you.
42:45And I moved here, and I mean, I have to sit on TV next to Katya, whose teeth are like
42:49perfect.
42:49Like, she hits a meth pipe three years, perfect teeth.
42:55I carry a Jolly Rancher in my pocket.
42:57I'm like, was that one of mine?
42:58Oh my God.
43:01And I started paying attention to my teeth because I saw this commercial called The Tissue Test.
43:05Have you guys seen this commercial?
43:07It's two white ladies at lunch, not eating lunch.
43:12And one of them goes, I'm insecure about the color of my teeth.
43:15And the other one goes, just try the tissue test.
43:17You take a white tissue and hold.
43:20Don't ever do the tissue test.
43:24I had to do the Burger King napkin test.
43:35So I go to my dentist, and my dentist here, her name is Dr. Sun.
43:39She's an elderly Asian woman.
43:41She's also Bill Murray's dentist, so I'm kind of like the Bill Murray.
43:43I'm trying.
43:47Dr. Sun takes one look in my mouth and screams over her shoulder.
43:52Cancel all my appointments for the afternoon.
43:57The dental hygienist looked at my mouth and goes, so were you like a pirate for a couple
44:01years?
44:02I was like, bitch, I'm from Wisconsin.
44:07Be happy the gang's all here.
44:13People from Wisconsin, that's your gums slapping together?
44:15Yes!
44:20I'm like, just be happy they are holding hands.
44:24And no matter how well you take care of your teeth, you go to the dentist, and they just
44:27body shame you down.
44:28And what's your home care like?
44:30Not a hook and a drill, Janet.
44:41But I became very aware of what I look like when I came to Los Angeles, you guys, because
44:45everybody here, people are, I mean, where I'm from in Wisconsin, if someone's hot, we're
44:49like, God, he's hot, he's like a model.
44:54In L.A., people are not like models.
44:56They are models who get checks in the mail from modeling agencies because they are models
45:01who model.
45:03And I'm a good-looking guy, but me in that dating pool, I might as well be like a bridge
45:07troll.
45:08I'm like, would you fuck me?
45:14Would you fuck me?
45:20That was my Ed Sheeran, pretty good, right?
45:30And here, you guys, people are almost competitively fit.
45:33You know, people are like, I can't, I'm on a cleanse.
45:35Oh, you're on a cleanse?
45:36Well, I'm on a cleanse cleanse.
45:38I can have everything except cleanses.
45:42Oh, really?
45:42For dinner?
45:43I had a nap.
45:49And I don't know if you guys have ever gained weight quickly before, but you are the last
45:53person to find out about it.
45:58The last one.
46:01What?
46:02Okay.
46:04She's like, finally, one I get.
46:08She's also called Skinny Legend.
46:09I've been bored.
46:15But you guys, when you gain weight quickly, you're the last one to realize.
46:18You will, I mean, you will lie to yourself.
46:20You lie to your friends.
46:21My friends are like, Trixie, are those stretch marks?
46:24I was like, no, I'm a cutter.
46:27No.
46:30No.
46:35You don't realize.
46:36I remember I was at my boyfriend's house and I found like a little pair of underwear.
46:39I was like, whose are these, whore?
46:41He was like, those used to be yours.
46:46I'm like, oh.
46:49Well, let me just put them on then.
46:55I'll just wear them home like this.
46:59There's like a whole rating system here.
47:01You know, like my roommate's from New York and he's like, honey, a 10 in New York is only
47:03a five here.
47:04I was like, what if I'm a four from the woods?
47:08Do we get a scarlet letter or?
47:13And it all came to culmination when I was in Germany.
47:16Have you guys been to Germany?
47:17Okay.
47:18The clubs in Germany, people have no fucking chill.
47:20Okay.
47:21I'm at the club and it was a party.
47:23And I remember I was like, you know, when you're abroad and you just get like a sense
47:26of YOLO, you know, you're like abduct me.
47:28Like anything.
47:34But I remember I was at a bar, a gay bar that had a dark room and I was like
47:37drunk and I
47:38was like, I'm going to do it.
47:39I'm going to touch a dick.
47:40I'm going to do it.
47:43So I got up the courage to touch this guy's dick.
47:46I reached out and got my hand slapped away in the dark.
48:02Just something in my grip.
48:03His dick read my palm.
48:06I was just like, he was like, ugly.
48:12Went to a proctologist appointment because Men's Health Magazine told me that at 28 years
48:15old, I should start getting an annual anal pap smear.
48:20Do you like how I barely take care of myself until a men's magazine tells me to get finger
48:24banged by a doctor?
48:27And suddenly I'm like, your health is all you have.
48:34So my boyfriend and I waited for three months to have sex for the first time, right?
48:38We had sex on a Friday.
48:39My doctor's appointment is on a Monday.
48:41Tracy, why is this significant?
48:42Because I go in there on a Monday for my proctologist appointment and I'm up on the thing and the
48:49doctor's
48:49in there, you know, looking for his keys or writing his name.
48:57It's a really long name.
49:00Never long enough, huh?
49:05And we had sex for the first time on a Friday and I'm in the doctor on a Monday.
49:09And the doctor goes, so what'd you do this weekend?
49:13And I go, uh, actually a lot of what you're doing now.
49:22And thank God he laughed at you guys.
49:23I was like, I did not know if you were going to laugh at that.
49:27And I'll never forget it.
49:28He goes, I'm a proctologist in West Hollywood.
49:35I've pulled people out of people.
49:49Thank you guys really for staying with me all night.
49:51This has been nice.
49:55One of the great things about not dating anymore is you get to be in, like, this sort of, this,
49:59like, um,
49:59little bubble in your relationship.
50:00I guess you could say you're in a yellow cloud.
50:07And I wrote this song specifically about that.
50:12I can see us in a small town.
50:16Count the stars up in the sky.
50:18I never thought that they could fall down.
50:23I chew your suitor on your tie.
50:25I cross a table at a French place.
50:29I lose my way into the wine.
50:33With your glasses on your pretty face.
50:36You can go up, baby, we can float up.
50:39Say we'll never come back down to the place in the yellow cloud.
50:46Yours forever, thumbtack down.
50:56Say you'll never come back down.
50:59Say you'll never come back down.
51:01To the place in the yellow cloud.
51:10Days are running at a slow pace.
51:13And all the glitter in between.
51:17And all the fallout from the one race.
51:20I miss American tea.
51:24And I can see you'll never come back down.
51:27And I can see you mow the lawn.
51:31We got no fear and no pretenses.
51:34We got nothing but our sunglasses on.
51:37Say we'll never come back down.
51:41To the place in the yellow cloud.
51:44Yours forever, thumbtack down.
51:48Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
51:51Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
51:54Say you'll never come back down.
51:59To the place in the yellow cloud.
52:19So before I go, there's one song that definitely changed my life this year.
52:26Know you're sexy and keep slaying the game.
52:29Let the world remember your name.
52:32Feel your puss down deep in your soul.
52:35Let your body lose control.
52:38Hey, kitty girl, it's your world.
52:40When you walk the street, step into the beat.
52:44Hey, kitty girl, get your twirl.
52:47In the disco heat, you're the boogie-body rap queen.
52:51Step aside, I'm back again.
52:52So hype, so lit, adrenaline.
52:54I'm Shantja LaSae.
52:56That was good.
52:57You guys were shitty.
53:01I'm Shantja LaSae.
53:03I'm Shantja LaSae.
53:04Take this verse, just to let you know.
53:06Don't listen to the haters, be a bro.
53:08Cause I worked my way, paid my dues.
53:09Now I got the whole world singing out.
53:11Hey, kitty girl, it's your world.
53:13When you walk the street, step into the beat.
53:17Hey, kitty girl, get your twirl.
53:20In the disco heat, you're the boogie-body rap queen.
53:23Okay, up next is Bebe Zahar-Banay's part.
53:28And it's too hard to do and sing at the same time.
53:30Does any of your know it by heart?
53:33You in the overalls, you know it by heart?
53:35Get up here, you fucking bitch.
53:45Don't fuck it up.
53:48She's not going to.
53:50You're not going to fuck it up, are you?
53:52You better come up here in this fucking see-through shirt, you fucking bitch.
53:57She said, I came ready.
54:00You think you know this song?
54:01Yeah.
54:02Okay, well, just so you know, there's a lot of people here and they are filming it.
54:05So, you know, she's like, make it good.
54:07Don't embarrass me.
54:09What's your name?
54:09Sarah.
54:10Sarah, put that microphone right here.
54:12Here?
54:12I'm Sarah.
54:13I'm Sarah.
54:14And I'm not going to fuck it up.
54:15And I'm not going to fuck it up.
54:20In the disco heat, you're the boogie-body rap queen.
54:23Mirror, mirror on the wall, I'm the fiercest of them all.
54:27Face, face, face, body and all.
54:28Another day, another sling.
54:30Meow, meow, savage beauty.
54:32Stepping out on the mission, get fierce.
54:34Stay ready.
54:34The hogey's back for another crown.
54:43Excuse me.
54:48This is like a star is born.
54:53But I can't really do anything for your career.
54:56A star is still born.
55:01You were so good.
55:02Do you want to do the second half too?
55:03Yeah.
55:04Bitch, you better.
55:08Can you get me that M&F?
55:21You didn't give her one.
55:22It's okay.
55:22Hey, Katie.
55:24But you're going to do my part.
55:25Okay.
55:25And I wrote it.
55:26I'm standing right here.
55:27Okay.
55:28Okay.
55:30I got it.
55:35By the way, they're never this supportive for me, so fuck them.
55:38So we're going to lead her in with Kitty Girl, and then you're going to do my part.
55:41Ready?
55:41Okay.
55:41So we're going to lead her in.
55:42You relax while we sing to you.
55:43Hey, Kitty Girl.
55:45It's your world.
55:46In the disco heat.
55:48You're the boogie.
55:49Better rock and clean.
56:12Get the fuck out of here immediately.
56:21Well, Sarah's a fucking liar.
56:24She's like, I don't know if I know it.
56:32You guys, that's the end of the show.
56:36We've only been here for two and a half hours, I know.
56:39And honestly, if anything tonight wasn't funny to you, remember this.
56:43I've already got your money.
56:46I'm Tricks and Mattel.
56:47Bye.
56:48Bye.
57:00I can see us in a small town.
57:03Count the stars up in the sky.
57:07I never thought that they could fall down.
57:10I'll do you sooner while you're tired.
57:14Across the table at a French place.
57:17I lose my way into the wire.
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