حين رحلت من حياته

Reel Drama

2 days ago

حين رحلت من حياته

Transcript

00:00:02ترجمة نانسي قنقر

00:00:30So I use Stella to get some practice in first

00:00:32I didn't say a single word

00:00:34I just quietly changed my college application from NYU to a school thousand miles away in California

00:00:40His words hit me like a thunderclap out of a cloudless summer sky

00:00:43No warning at all

00:00:45My mind went completely blank

00:00:46It was a scorching July afternoon

00:00:48But I felt like ice was spreading through every inch of my body

00:00:52The guys inside kept talking

00:00:53Pausing only for a half second before someone else piped up

00:00:58Classic Ashen, even Stella was just a warm up for him

00:01:01Everyone knows how hard it is to get into her pants

00:01:07So what does that make her?

00:01:08Like a practice dully?

00:01:11Asher just laughed it off

00:01:14Relax, she got something out of it too

00:01:16I mean Stella's cute and all

00:01:18But compared to Chloe

00:01:19Yeah, no contest

00:01:20Right

00:01:21Asher threw a textbook at him to shut him up

00:01:25It was just a vibe, okay?

00:01:26The moment happened

00:01:27And honestly she seemed like she was enjoying herself

00:01:30The guys all exchanged knowing looks

00:01:33And started roasting him

00:01:34Who knew the book bird was that freaky under all those cardigans?

00:01:38Bro, Asher's just built different

00:01:40Why leave free food on the table, right?

00:01:42She's been chasing him for years

00:01:44Technically, she got what she wanted

00:01:46The laughter inside the room got noticeably louder

00:01:48I pressed my teeth into my lower lips so hard I tasted copper

00:01:52Both hands balled into white knuckled fists

00:01:55It took every single ounce of willpower I had to stay upright

00:01:58To not just crumple right there in the doorway

00:02:00Footsteps echoed down the hall toward me

00:02:02I snapped back to reality and bolted

00:02:05Shoving my way blindly through the corridor

00:02:07In my panic, I threw myself into the nearest bathroom stall

00:02:10And locked the door behind me

00:02:16The tears came like a dam breaking

00:02:18Grief and humiliation pouring out all at once

00:02:21Asher's words played on a loop inside my head

00:02:24Every single syllable

00:02:25They shredded what little self-worth I had left

00:02:28If I hadn't heard it with my own ears

00:02:30I never could have believed that the guy talking in there

00:02:33Was the same one who had held me

00:02:35Like I was something precious just last night

00:02:37Turns out you don't actually need to love someone to do that with them

00:02:40Turns out you can look a girl dead in the eyes

00:02:43Make her feel everything

00:02:44And still be lying through every single second of it

00:02:48The thing I thought was my happily ever after

00:02:50Was just a punchline someone else got to laugh at

00:02:53The more I cried, the worse it got

00:02:55But I couldn't make a sound

00:02:56My whole body was shaking so hard I could barely breathe

00:03:00A long time passed

00:03:02My phone buzzed

00:03:03It was Asher

00:03:04Just grab an Uber back

00:03:05My crew's got a party tonight

00:03:07And it'd be awkward to bring you

00:03:08I didn't reply

00:03:09He sent a follow-up

00:03:10Also, pick up a morning after pill yourself

00:03:13I'm busy today

00:03:14Don't forget to take it

00:03:15Good girl

00:03:16I stared at those two texts

00:03:17For a very, very long time without moving

00:03:20From dusk until nearly sunrise

00:03:22Asher had been relentless

00:03:24Like he had a point to prove

00:03:25By the end we were both completely wrecked

00:03:28And right before he drifted off with his arms around me

00:03:30He'd murmured the same thing twice

00:03:32We weren't really prepared for your first time

00:03:38I'll get you the pill first thing tomorrow morning

00:03:40He'd even given me this little lecture

00:03:42About how girls needed to take care of themselves

00:03:45Said the morning after pill was really important

00:03:47And that skipping it could mess up my body

00:03:50And I had actually thought

00:03:51This is it

00:03:52He's the one

00:03:53He's being so responsible

00:03:55I finally got my person

00:03:57And now

00:03:58The clarity hit me like a slap

00:04:00I dug my nails into my own palm

00:04:02Until the pain forced the tears to stop

00:04:04I wiped my face

00:04:06Straightened my glasses

00:04:07And walked out of that bathroom

00:04:08Like nothing had happened

00:04:10I was too embarrassed to go to a real pharmacy

00:04:12So I ordered the pill online instead

00:04:14When the delivery guy left the package at my door

00:04:17I waited another long stretch

00:04:19Before I could even bring myself to go get it

00:04:21I swallowed it with a mouthful of my own tears

00:04:24And then I just

00:04:25Sat down on the floor

00:04:26Staring at nothing

00:04:27Completely empty

00:04:31Ever since Asher's family had moved next door to mine

00:04:34I'd trailed after him like a shadow

00:04:36And that had been ten years of my life

00:04:39I had genuinely never stopped to think about

00:04:41What a world without him would even look like

00:04:43I couldn't picture it

00:04:44But starting right now

00:04:46I was going to have to figure it out alone

00:04:48Outside the floor to ceiling window

00:04:50The neighborhood lights blinked on

00:04:52One by one

00:04:53And then off again

00:04:54At some point

00:04:55I really didn't know how long I'd been sitting there

00:04:57Mia called me on FaceTime

00:05:03Stella, why didn't you come to the party tonight with Ashler?

00:05:06That girl Chloe from the AP track is here by the way

00:05:09She has been all over him since you didn't show

00:05:11It's actually disgusting

00:05:12In the dark corner of the VIP booth

00:05:15Asher and Chloe were sitting so close together

00:05:17Their thighs were touching

00:05:18Chloe had worn a crop top

00:05:20And a curve hugging mini skirt

00:05:22Long tan legs

00:05:23Tiny waist

00:05:24Even the way they were talking looked more like whispering secrets than having a conversation

00:05:29I could feel the charged energy between them through the screen

00:05:32Something in my chest locked up

00:05:34He'd only said he wanted to chase her this afternoon

00:05:37And apparently

00:05:38Tonight

00:05:39Was all the time he needed

00:05:40The game switched to truth or dare

00:05:42And Chloe drew a card that said

00:05:46Do a push-up challenge with a guy hovering over me

00:05:51Predictably, Asher fell on the stairs before anyone else could open their mouth

00:05:55Chloe blushed bright pink and lay back against the couch cushions

00:05:59Asher planted his hands on either side of her

00:06:01He was controlled the whole time

00:06:04Deliberately keeping his body from making contact with hers

00:06:07Until the very last one

00:06:09His arms gave out

00:06:10And his entire weight came down directly on top of her

00:06:13The room erupted

00:06:15Everyone screaming so loud

00:06:17The walls practically shook

00:06:18Asher's and Chloe's faces went even redder

00:06:21With the whole crowd going absolutely feral around them

00:06:24Asher just tilted his head down and kissed her

00:06:26Not a quick peck

00:06:27A full, deep

00:06:29For the whole room to see kiss

00:06:31Three full minutes before they finally pulled apart

00:06:33For all three of those minutes

00:06:35I sat completely frozen

00:06:37Eyes locked on the screen

00:06:38Barely remembering to breathe

00:06:40I wanted to cry so badly

00:06:43Oh my god

00:06:44Stella

00:06:45Did you see that?

00:06:46He literally kissed her in front of everyone

00:06:49He is so into her

00:06:51Mia shook her head and stepped out of the booth

00:06:53Turning the camera as she went

00:06:55Don't be mad at me

00:06:56If I hadn't shown you

00:06:57You never would have let yourself move on

00:06:59I'm not mad at you

00:07:01I'm only mad at myself for wasting so many years

00:07:05I had always assumed that the spot beside Asher was mine

00:07:08That it would always be mine

00:07:09I am so done with him, Stella

00:07:11Who does he think he is?

00:07:12Watching you love him for years

00:07:14Acting all innocent like he had no idea

00:07:15Just letting you fall deeper and deeper

00:07:17You saw what I showed you

00:07:19I'm not giving myself the chance

00:07:22Mia, I've already decided

00:07:23I'm going to California with you

00:07:25But you have to promise me

00:07:26You'll keep it quiet for now

00:07:28Right after I said it

00:07:29I flipped open my laptop right in front of her

00:07:32Without a single second of hesitation

00:07:34I changed my first choice school to the one in California

00:07:37One minute before the deadline

00:07:39Mia basically levitated off the ground

00:07:42She'd been begging me for months to apply to the same school as her

00:07:45But back when we started high school

00:07:47Asher and I had made this pact

00:07:49We'd work hard together

00:07:50And go to his dream school up in Boston after graduation

00:07:53It had his aerospace engineering program

00:07:56The one he'd been obsessed with since we were kids

00:07:58So even though I didn't particularly love the idea of brutal winters

00:08:02And even though that school was a technical institute

00:08:04That didn't even have my major

00:08:06I'd spent three years treating it like my only option

00:08:09Our families had lived next door to each other for so long

00:08:12That both sets of parents thought it was basically a done deal

00:08:15We'd end up at the same school

00:08:17Everyone, including me

00:08:18Assumed Asher and I would just naturally become official

00:08:22Once we got to college

00:08:23But right now

00:08:24I couldn't think of a single reason to still go to Boston

00:08:26Because honestly

00:08:27After today

00:08:28If I kept following Asher around the way I always had

00:08:32I would never be able to look myself in the mirror again

00:08:35I just needed to go somewhere far away

00:08:37It didn't even matter where

00:08:38As long as he wasn't there

00:08:40He was going east

00:08:41So I was going west

00:08:43Before bed

00:08:44I filled the entire bathtub

00:08:45I needed to scrub every inch of myself clean

00:08:49But when I took off my clothes

00:08:50The bruises on my skin were still so vivid

00:08:53It made me flinch

00:08:55The memories from last night rushed back before I could stop them

00:08:58The burning heat of his skin pressed against mine

00:09:02The sound of his breath ragged and warm against my ear

00:09:05The ghost of it all still seemed to linger in the air around me

00:09:09I shook my head hard

00:09:10Physically trying to shake myself free of it

00:09:12Then I grabbed the roughest loofah I owned

00:09:15And scrubbed myself raw

00:09:16Over and over

00:09:18Until my whole body was flushed pink and singing

00:09:21I was trying

00:09:22Clumsily

00:09:23Desperately

00:09:24To erase what was officially

00:09:26The worst night of my entire life

00:09:29The result was that the pain kept me awake the whole night anyway

00:09:32Asher didn't text

00:09:34For the first time in six years

00:09:36Ever since we both got phones

00:09:38We didn't say goodnight to each other

00:09:39That was fine

00:09:40It was going to happen eventually anyway

00:09:42Tonight was as good a time as any to start letting go

00:09:45I didn't fall asleep until just before sunrise

00:09:48Drifting in and out of exhaustion

00:09:50Early the next morning

00:09:51While I was still buried in sleep

00:09:53I felt in that foggy space between dream and awake

00:09:57The soft press of lips against my forehead

00:10:00I jolted awake

00:10:01The first thing my eyes landed on was a jaw I knew too well

00:10:05And the soft dip of a throat right above me

00:10:07The scent hit me next

00:10:09Cedarwood

00:10:10That cologne he always wore

00:10:11And underneath it

00:10:12The faintest trace of something new

00:10:14Something citrusy

00:10:16That wasn't his

00:10:17Right

00:10:17I'd completely forgotten that Asher still knew my front door code

00:10:21Seeing me awake

00:10:22He shifted lower

00:10:23And tilted his face down toward my lips

00:10:25I shoved him back with both hands

00:10:27And scrambled to the far edge of the bed

00:10:29He blinked

00:10:30Then let out a short laugh

00:10:31Like I'd surprised him

00:10:35Since when are you shy

00:10:36I didn't answer

00:10:37I just yanked the blanket over my head

00:10:39And disappeared under it

00:10:41Asher started talking

00:10:45Stella seriously

00:10:46You didn't say goodnight

00:10:47You turned your phone off

00:10:48And now you're hiding under a blanket

00:10:50Still avoiding me

00:10:52Then he just

00:10:53Lifted the blanket

00:10:54And slid himself right in

00:10:57Hey, how many times have I told you?

00:10:59You can't skip breakfast

00:11:02I ran half a mile to get you those croissants from your favorite place

00:11:05And it stood in line forever

00:11:07Wanna get up and eat now?

00:11:09Or

00:11:11Get eaten?

00:11:13Reality crashed back in

00:11:15And I fought like my life depended on it

00:11:17But I'm 5'2 in sneakers

00:11:19And Asher is literally 6'2 of solid muscle

00:11:22I honestly could not figure out what game he was playing

00:11:25He had Chloe now

00:11:26So what was he even doing in my bed?

00:11:28I tried to push him away

00:11:29Only to be held even tighter

00:11:31Let go of me!

00:11:33After what felt like forever of thrashing around

00:11:36I was panting

00:11:37And had accomplished nothing

00:11:38Except being held even tighter

00:11:40What's the tantrum about?

00:11:43You're mad because I didn't bring you to the party last night?

00:11:46Over something that small?

00:11:47I said nothing

00:11:48He buried his face in the curve of my neck and actually laughed

00:11:52Let me guess

00:11:53Mia told you something?

00:11:55It was a party game, Stella

00:11:57Is it really worth getting jealous over?

00:11:59You're doing that thing you always do

00:12:02I get slightly close to another girl

00:12:03And you go all silent and sulky

00:12:06I was so furious I couldn't even form a sentence

00:12:09I dredged up something from a self defense unit in gym class

00:12:12Snapped my knee up hard between us

00:12:14And the second he doubled over

00:12:16I launched myself out of that bed

00:12:18Stella

00:12:19Asher's jaw went tight

00:12:20His whole face going red

00:12:22I grabbed a hoodie off the floor

00:12:23And yanked it on over my pajamas

00:12:26I did not want to be in any room with him

00:12:29And especially not my bedroom

00:12:40Hey

00:12:41You took that pill yesterday, right?

00:12:43Because I really don't need that kind of drama

00:12:45And I definitely don't want to have that conversation with your parents

00:12:55Come on, be reasonable

00:12:57Eat something before you pick a fight

00:13:02You know your stomach's sensitive

00:13:12What is actually going on?

00:13:15Stella, even a tantrum needs a reason

00:13:17There have to be some limits here

00:13:19I kept my voice ice cold and set it flat

00:13:22I don't deserve to have any say

00:13:25Asher snapped

00:13:26He slammed the cup down on the coffee table so hard it cracked

00:13:29The plastic split and the smoothie spilled out in a wave soaking into the rug

00:13:34What is that supposed to mean?

00:13:37Who do you think you are, Stella?

00:13:40Who do you think you are?

00:13:44We slept together once

00:13:45It was consensual

00:13:47And now you think you own me?

00:13:50Do you know how suffocating that is?

00:13:52His voice had a viciousness to it I had never heard before

00:13:55The second he finished speaking my eyes flooded

00:13:58No warning

00:13:59No build up

00:14:00Just instant tears

00:14:02Yesterday's humiliation came crashing back

00:14:04Hitting me all over again like a fresh wound

00:14:07Asher clearly hadn't expected me to cry this hard this fast

00:14:10He looked genuinely thrown, scrambling for what to do

00:14:14He crouched down and said he was sorry

00:14:16I'm sorry, I drank too much last night and I was out of line just now

00:14:20He reached out to wipe my face, but I twisted away, putting distance between us

00:14:25His hand froze in mid-air, hovering there

00:14:27He opened his mouth to keep trying, but his phone buzzed

00:14:30He glanced at the screen once and his entire expression shifted

00:14:34And he stood up and moved toward the door

00:14:36I've got something urgent, take a minute to calm down

00:14:39We're going to college soon

00:14:41You can't keep throwing fits like a little kid who's gonna put up with that

00:14:51He hadn't been gone 30 minutes when Mia sent me a screenshot

00:14:54Chloe's Instagram story just said I'm hungry and breakfast appeared like magic

00:14:59Pretty sure this is mutual now

00:15:01With a little heart

00:15:02The photo was of the exact same croissants that were sitting on my kitchen counter

00:15:07I didn't respond

00:15:08I just quietly wiped my eyes, got on my hands and knees, and started cleaning up the smoothie Asher had

00:15:14spilled

00:15:14I scrubbed for a long time before I accepted with a hollow feeling in my chest that the stain had

00:15:20soaked all the way through the wool rug and wasn't coming out

00:15:23So I just threw the whole rug in the trash

00:15:25It didn't matter anyway

00:15:27That rug was something Asher and his parents had spent an entire afternoon picking out on a family trip

00:15:33And he'd lugged it home in his carry-on himself

00:15:35Then, I went through everything else

00:15:37Every single thing Asher had ever left at my place

00:15:40Every gift he'd given me over the years

00:15:42Every photo of the two of us

00:15:44Every small souvenir and keepsake

00:15:46It took the rest of the day

00:15:48But I packed every last bit of it up

00:15:50And threw it all out

00:15:54I doubted he'd want any of it back anyway

00:15:57After he left that day, the silence stretched

00:15:59Days went by, and he didn't reach out at all

00:16:02Things with Chloe were probably going great

00:16:04Or maybe he was waiting for me to be the one who caved first

00:16:07In every fight we'd ever had, I was always the one who broke first

00:16:11Every single time

00:16:13No exceptions

00:16:14But this time I didn't go looking for him

00:16:16And I didn't have any reason to

00:16:17I blocked him on everything

00:16:19Text all social media

00:16:21Changed my front door code

00:16:22And deleted every account he might use to find me

00:16:25After that, I called my parents

00:16:27Who are both traveling for work

00:16:29I told them I wanted to spend the summer

00:16:30Visiting my aunt on the other side of the country

00:16:33My plan was to stay there until school started

00:16:35Then head straight to California with Mia

00:16:37Instead of coming home

00:16:38Other than Mia, no one else knew yet

00:16:40That I'd changed my application

00:16:43This plan should work perfectly

00:16:45There was basically zero chance

00:16:46I'd run into Asher if I pulled this off right

00:16:49My mom actually laughed over the phone

00:16:51Oh, so you and Ashler are taking a vacation together?

00:16:56I made up a quick excuse and didn't go into detail

00:16:59I just told her I wanted to visit my aunt and grandma

00:17:01I begged my dad to book me the first available flight

00:17:04And I was ready to leave that same night

00:17:07Of course, because the universe has no chill

00:17:09I ran into Asher's mom right at our front door on my way out

00:17:13She grabbed my arm warmly and started chattering

00:17:17Stella, honey, where's Asher? He's not going to pick you up?

00:17:20Didn't he say he was taking you on that ski trip?

00:17:24Go have fun

00:17:26I am 100% behind you two

00:17:29I was confused

00:17:30I had mentioned once during senior year

00:17:33That I'd always wanted to try skiing in Colorado

00:17:36Just off hand

00:17:37But given everything that had happened between us

00:17:40The idea of going on a trip together seemed completely impossible

00:17:43I was running out of time though

00:17:45So I said something vague and non-committal and slipped away

00:17:48What I never expected was that at the airport

00:17:51I would come face to face with Asher

00:17:55He was with a group of friends

00:17:57Chloe was there too

00:17:58Asher had her designer bag in one hand

00:18:01And his other arm slung around her shoulder

00:18:03They were trailing at the back of the group

00:18:05Every so often, Chloe would lean her head toward him to say something

00:18:08And every single time, without any hesitation

00:18:11He would bend down to listen

00:18:13He never did that with me

00:18:15Asher had always been taller than me

00:18:17And the gap had only gotten bigger over the years

00:18:19When it was the two of us

00:18:21I was always the one bouncing on my toes

00:18:23Craning my neck up just to catch his eyes

00:18:26Turns out, for the right person

00:18:27He would be the one who bends

00:18:30I breathed in slowly

00:18:31I told myself I needed to have some dignity about this

00:18:34Whatever he did was none of my business

00:18:37If I let myself overthink it

00:18:38I deserve to be slapped

00:18:40But there seemed to be only one path to the gate

00:18:43All I could do was stay far enough behind

00:18:45That he wouldn't notice me

00:18:46By some miracle

00:18:48We eventually reached a fork in the terminal

00:18:50Where the path split

00:18:51Asher seemed to get distracted around then

00:18:53He made a bunch of calls

00:18:54None of which seemed to go through

00:18:56And then spent a long time staring at his phone

00:18:59Eventually, he borrowed someone else's phone

00:19:01His face dark and unreadable

00:19:03And disappeared into a nearby bathroom

00:19:05A moment later, my phone rang

00:19:07Unknown number

00:19:10So you've got a real attitude on you this time

00:19:12You're just not gonna come to me first?

00:19:15You actually blocked me?

00:19:18Fine, keep it up

00:19:19See how great you do when we're both in Boston

00:19:21And you don't know anyone

00:19:22And there's no one to look out for you

00:19:24Asher came out swinging

00:19:25Rattling off complaints in one long irritated breath

00:19:28I had absolutely nothing to say to any of that

00:19:31But Asher seemed to get angrier at my silence

00:19:35I'm done talking about this

00:19:36Just unblock me

00:19:38I'm heading out of the country for a couple days with some friends

00:19:41Probably won't have great reception

00:19:45Don't get all weepy about it

00:19:47I couldn't even be bothered to say a single word back

00:19:49I hung up and turned my phone off

00:19:52From across the terminal

00:19:53I watched Asher stalk back to his group

00:19:55His expression stormy

00:19:57He grabbed Chloe's hand

00:19:58Didn't hesitate for a second

00:20:00And walked toward the left gate

00:20:02I let out a long breath

00:20:03Turned around

00:20:04And headed right

00:20:07With my family, I performed happiness

00:20:09And honestly, I got pretty good at it

00:20:11I deliberately kept myself slammed with plans

00:20:14Filling every gap in the day

00:20:16So I had no room to spiral

00:20:18I definitely didn't add Asher back

00:20:20The way he demanded

00:20:21But Mia and some others

00:20:23Kept me updated on his life anyway

00:20:24Asher and his friends

00:20:26Had apparently been screaming Colorado for days

00:20:28For some reason

00:20:29He was suddenly posting on social media

00:20:31Every single day

00:20:32Which was completely unlike the version of him

00:20:35Who used to go months without posting anything

00:20:37Sometimes it was slow motion clips of him

00:20:40Carving down the slopes

00:20:41Sometimes it was food

00:20:42And late night parties

00:20:43But mostly it was big group shots

00:20:45Of everyone clowning around in the snow

00:20:47Even though I genuinely didn't want to see it

00:20:50Somehow people kept sending it to me unprompted

00:20:53Everyone was very casually curious

00:20:55About why I hadn't gone with Asher

00:20:57I didn't know what to say

00:20:58So I just told people I had family stuff going on

00:21:01Mia was the only one

00:21:02Who openly called him a trash human

00:21:04Everyone else around me

00:21:06Seemed to be constantly stopping themselves

00:21:08From saying something

00:21:09I knew

00:21:09They'd probably figured out something was wrong

00:21:13In every single group photo Asher posted

00:21:16He and Chloe were glued together

00:21:17Inseparable

00:21:18But that spot beside him had been mine for years

00:21:21Just mine

00:21:22Every time I saw one of those photos

00:21:24My face stayed completely neutral

00:21:26But something deep in my chest would clench

00:21:28He was the first person I ever fell for

00:21:30Someone I had genuinely, completely, embarrassingly loved

00:21:34For such a long time

00:21:35In the middle of the night, alone

00:21:37I would fall apart a little

00:21:38And sometimes I felt this stubborn, stupid feeling

00:21:41That I wasn't ready to let go

00:21:43But every time that feeling started rising

00:21:46I'd replay his words and give myself a mental slap

00:21:49I'd repeat it to myself over and over

00:21:51Stella, don't be pathetic

00:21:52That's the fastest way to make yourself even less worth respecting

00:21:56Just hold on a little longer

00:21:58Once the detox period was over

00:22:00Everything would be fine

00:22:01We went a full month without any contact

00:22:03The longest we'd ever gone since the day we met

00:22:06Distance and time turned out to be the best medicine

00:22:09I ground through the worst of it

00:22:10And came out the other side

00:22:12Just when I'd reached the point where I didn't think about him

00:22:14Every hour of every day

00:22:16He switched to a new number

00:22:17And called me from across the country

00:22:22So you're just that bold

00:22:24Running off without me and staying this long?

00:22:28Summer's almost over, Stella

00:22:30Did you forget you promised to go on a trip with me?

00:22:33Maybe it was because we'd gone so long without talking

00:22:36But underneath all the complaints

00:22:38His voice had this edge to it

00:22:40Almost careful

00:22:41I still didn't want to talk to him

00:22:42I was about to hang up when his mom snatched the phone

00:22:45Stella, sweetheart

00:22:47Are you having fun out there?

00:22:49This boy won't tell me anything

00:22:51I only just found out you two had a fight

00:22:55Don't be too hard on him, honey

00:22:56When you come back

00:22:58I'll make him apologize to your face

00:23:00Oh, and Ashler just got his acceptance letter today

00:23:03Yours should come soon too

00:23:05Have you thought about when you'll come home for your going away party?

00:23:09I've got a little surprise planned

00:23:11Asher's mom had been like a second family to me since I was little

00:23:15I couldn't bring myself to hang up on her

00:23:17So I stayed on and let her talk

00:23:19I'm not really planning to have a party

00:23:21My parents are always traveling

00:23:22And honestly, we can just do a video call thing with family

00:23:26I probably won't be back before school starts anyway

00:23:29I'll just come home right before move in

00:23:31I didn't even finish the sentence before Ashler took the phone back

00:23:34His breathing was heavy

00:23:36I could feel the anger coming through from 3,000 miles away

00:23:41Stella, I'm literally the one reaching out first here

00:23:44How much longer are you going to keep this up?

00:23:47If you don't come back, don't expect me to wait for you

00:23:50I'll head to Boston without you

00:23:52He delivered the threat in this cold, flat voice

00:23:55Waited and waited

00:23:57Without getting the answer he wanted

00:23:59My acceptance letter had already arrived at home

00:24:02When they saw the school name on the letter

00:24:04My parents finally found out I'd changed my application

00:24:07My mom video called me

00:24:08Hi baby

00:24:10Why didn't you talk to us before changing your application?

00:24:13Does Asher know?

00:24:15His mom called this morning asking if your letter had come yet

00:24:19I had no words

00:24:24Baby, how are we supposed to feel okay about you going all the way to California alone?

00:24:27Aren't you the kid who's terrified of bugs and can't handle heat?

00:24:31You really think you can manage?

00:24:34Don't call me to come deal with it for you

00:24:35That school has a lot to offer

00:24:38And Mia will be going there too

00:24:39You don't have to worry

00:24:41Is this about a fight with Asher?

00:24:44Because that's not a reason to switch schools across the country

00:24:49What if you change your mind in a week and want him back?

00:24:52Then what?

00:24:53It's heart your caption

00:24:55I just decided to say it straight

00:24:59Asher has a girlfriend

00:25:00Mom, Dad, I have my own life

00:25:04And I don't want to just orbit around his forever

00:25:07So please support my choice

00:25:09And please keep it between us for now

00:25:12My parents looked at each other

00:25:14For a long time

00:25:15Without speaking

00:25:16The only thing they asked

00:25:18Was that I come home sooner

00:25:19Rather than later

00:25:21School was starting soon

00:25:22And they wanted time with me

00:25:23My mom mentioned that Asher had gone off on another trip with friends

00:25:27The very next day after getting his acceptance letter

00:25:29He'd been gone for days

00:25:31His mom was apparently calling my mom regularly

00:25:34Asking when I was flying back

00:25:35On the day I landed

00:25:37My parents showed up at the airport

00:25:38Dressed like they were going somewhere formal

00:25:40I woke up from my nap on the drive

00:25:42I realized

00:25:43They'd pulled up to a five-star hotel

00:25:46I was still half asleep

00:25:48When my mom grabbed my arm

00:25:49And steered me through the lobby

00:25:51And right there

00:25:52Standing in the middle of it

00:25:53Was Asher

00:25:54Who I hadn't seen in months

00:25:56My feet stopped moving on their own

00:25:59Asher was in a perfectly fitted black suit

00:26:01Leaning casually beside the lobby fountain

00:26:04Like something out of a magazine spread

00:26:06Just one summer was all it took

00:26:08The boyish edge had faded

00:26:10And he looked exactly like the version of him

00:26:12I used to imagine

00:26:13When I tried to picture him grown up

00:26:15Something complicated twisted in my chest

00:26:17I'd avoided this moment for months

00:26:19And now here it was

00:26:20Sprung on me with no warning

00:26:22Stella, it's Asher's going away party

00:26:25We figured we'd pick you up

00:26:26And bring you straight here

00:26:28You said you didn't want a party of your own

00:26:31Right?

00:26:32Ashley asked his parents

00:26:33To set the date for the

00:26:34The day you got back

00:26:35So you can kind of both celebrate together

00:26:37Asher seemed to sense something

00:26:39Because right then

00:26:40He casually glanced over

00:26:41And his gaze landed directly on mine

00:26:44My heart lurched sideways

00:26:45Still felt like the floor dropped out

00:26:48But Asher moved first

00:26:49He took one step toward us

00:26:51And then Chloe appeared out of nowhere

00:26:53And slipped her arm through his

00:26:54She pulled him along with her

00:26:56Smiling wide

00:26:57And walked right over to us

00:27:00Oh my gosh, Stella, you're back

00:27:02I've been wanting to properly meet you forever

00:27:06I always saw you around with Asher

00:27:09I'm from the AP track

00:27:11So we never officially met

00:27:12And I'm genuinely sad about that

00:27:17Yeah, Asher looked vaguely uncomfortable

00:27:19Why would you want to get to know her?

00:27:22She's just a drama queen

00:27:23Who throws fits

00:27:25I honestly thought she'd stayed in her aunt's state forever

00:27:28The world will keep on turning

00:27:30And your name will be forgotten

00:27:32I had nothing to say to that

00:27:33There was genuinely no response

00:27:36Chloe's silver bodycon dress

00:27:37Was covered in tiny crystals

00:27:39That caught every bit of light in the room

00:27:41I glanced down at myself

00:27:42White tea

00:27:43Jeans

00:27:44Sneakers

00:27:44Hair that still had a slight slept on way from the plane

00:27:47I looked like I'd made a wrong turn on the way to a convenience store

00:27:51I brought a dress for you, baby

00:27:52You can go change in the powder room

00:27:54I nodded, then shook my head

00:27:55There was no point

00:27:57This wasn't my party

00:27:58Asher kept staring at me with this unreadable expression

00:28:01Chloe's eyes kept flicking back and forth between the two of us

00:28:04Luckily, a few more guests arrived just then

00:28:07And Chloe immediately pulled Asher over to greet them

00:28:10Like she was already the hostess

00:28:12Mom, let's go in

00:28:13I'm a little hungry

00:28:16It was a small gathering

00:28:17Asher had only invited close family and a handful of friends

00:28:21Every single person I knew looked visibly shocked when they saw me walk in

00:28:25I just smiled and said hello and acted like I didn't notice

00:28:28But nobody was subtle about their curiosity

00:28:31The people watching energy was off the charts

00:28:35I slipped out to the terrace for some air

00:28:38And could immediately hear a small group in the hallway cornering Asher for the gossip

00:28:44Wait, didn't Stella fall out with you over the Chloe thing?

00:28:47Why is she here? Did she come crawling back?

00:28:50She's just quick tempered and in a mood

00:28:52She always comes around after a couple of days

00:28:54We've known each other our whole lives

00:28:55She's not actually going to cut me off

00:28:57I mean Stella's genuinely great

00:28:58She's been ride or died for you for years

00:29:00All of us are low-key jealous of how she treats you

00:29:02But like, one is your childhood best friend

00:29:04And honestly, Stella's amazing

00:29:07But it also feels kind of limiting

00:29:09I'm young, I don't want to only ever have one person

00:29:12That's too predictable

00:29:13I need to see what else is out there

00:29:16But that doesn't mean anything has to end

00:29:17As long as I know there's always a light on at home for me

00:29:21You're such a player

00:29:22I'd heard enough

00:29:23I backed away as quietly as I could

00:29:25The evening breeze hit my face

00:29:27And I felt my eyes go hot

00:29:29I just hated myself for spending so many years being blind to who he actually was

00:29:35I was in absolutely the worst mood of the entire summer

00:29:39But Asher's mom was thrilled to see me

00:29:42And spent most of dinner doting on me

00:29:44Refusing to let go of my hand

00:29:46Stella, Boston can get really dry in winter

00:29:49Let Asher take you shopping tomorrow

00:29:51And stock up on some good moisturizers

00:29:53Oh, it's fine, there are plenty of shops out there

00:29:55And online shopping is so easy

00:29:57She nodded warmly and turned to my mom

00:29:59I already picked out all the bedding for the dorms

00:30:02Got a set for Asher and one for Stella at the same time

00:30:05All four seasons covered

00:30:06Boston winters are brutal

00:30:08I went with really thick comforters

00:30:10And got a few winter coats for Stella too

00:30:13Don't you worry about a thing

00:30:14My mom made a face like she'd swallowed something

00:30:17All of that would be completely useless in California

00:30:19But she didn't want to embarrass anyone

00:30:21So she thanked her graciously

00:30:23Chloe, sitting nearby, looked like she was biting through her own cheek

00:30:27Asher's mom didn't seem to notice

00:30:29She kept right on talking, addressing both of us

00:30:32Once you're both in Boston, you'll be each other's family

00:30:36Asher, you better take good care of Stella and stop making her upset

00:30:40You hear me?

00:30:40Asher threw a glance my way with zero expression

00:30:44She doesn't need anyone to look after her

00:30:46She's perfectly capable of flying on her own

00:30:48The table got a little stiff

00:30:50And that's when Chloe smoothly cut in

00:30:52Oh, don't worry, my school is in Boston too

00:30:54I'll be there to look after Asher

00:30:56And Stella will be all the way in California anyway

00:30:59So it's not really practical

00:31:01Before she even finished the sentence

00:31:03Asher and his parents' faces changed

00:31:06California?

00:31:07Every single one of them looked at me and asked it at the same time

00:31:13Asher, you didn't know?

00:31:14It's been on the school's honor board

00:31:16Oh wait, you haven't been back to campus

00:31:19Every pair of eyes at the table swiveled to me

00:31:21Under the weight of all that attention, I quietly nodded

00:31:25My mom stepped in to explain

00:31:27Stella made a last minute decision to change her application

00:31:31She's going to a great school in California

00:31:33And it's actually the perfect program for her

00:31:37Asher didn't believe it

00:31:38He grabbed my hand and made me look at him

00:31:42Stella, I literally watched you fill out that application

00:31:45We were going to the same school

00:31:47His grip was tight enough to actually hurt

00:31:50And it pushed me over the edge

00:31:52Yeah, I changed it

00:31:53What does it have to do with you?

00:31:55Asher looked stunned for a second

00:31:57Then started laughing like I'd said something ridiculous

00:32:00You're joking

00:32:01You're literally the girl who jumps onto my back at the sight of a bug

00:32:04And you're moving to California?

00:32:07And you're moving to California?

00:32:09I pulled out my phone

00:32:10Found the crystal clear photo of my acceptance letter

00:32:13And held it up in his face

00:32:15Asher took the phone

00:32:16Zoomed in, zoomed out

00:32:18Read it over and over

00:32:20And finally let out a laugh that had no humor in it at all

00:32:23In the middle of everyone's gasps

00:32:25He grabbed my wrist and pulled me out of the dining room

00:32:30He pulled me into a side room and locked the door behind us

00:32:33Asher planted himself against it

00:32:35Cutting off any escape and came at me hard

00:32:37Stella, I cannot believe you

00:32:39You're so mad that you just forget our whole plan

00:32:42And go behind my back

00:32:43And commitment to a school across the country

00:32:45I lifted my head

00:32:46I took a breath and made myself look him straight in the eye

00:32:49I have my own plans

00:32:52Since when do I have to build my entire future around what you want?

00:32:56Asher, be honest with yourself

00:32:58Are you actually upset about the plan?

00:33:01Or are you upset because I'm not available to be your fallback girl anymore?

00:33:05The color drained from his face

00:33:06What is that supposed to mean?

00:33:08Could you not phrase things like that?

00:33:10We're adults

00:33:11That night was completely mutual

00:33:13Are you seriously still bringing that up?

00:33:15I was embarrassed, but I held his gaze anyway

00:33:17Asher, if you like someone else you could have just said so

00:33:20I'm not so shameless that I would have kept throwing myself at you

00:33:23But you knew you didn't like me back

00:33:25And you just watched me walk straight into the flame

00:33:27That was fun for you, wasn't it?

00:33:28Even now he still didn't get it

00:33:30People don't say goodbye until they've completely run out of hope

00:33:33He flushed

00:33:34Something in what I said hit

00:33:36His face went from white to red

00:33:37And he visibly swayed

00:33:39What do you even...

00:33:40Listen to what you're saying, you...

00:33:42He couldn't finish the sentence

00:33:46Stella, we've known each other since we were 8 years old

00:33:48And we're 18 now

00:33:50If you're choosing to walk away from what we have

00:33:53Then we don't have to be friends either

00:33:54And with just that, he turned and walked out of the hotel

00:34:05From that day until the day I left for school, I never saw Asher again

00:34:09Mia sent me a screenshot of his official couple's post with Chloe

00:34:12I deleted it without even opening it

00:34:15Every mutual friend connected to him, I blocked

00:34:17There was genuinely no point in following any of it anymore

00:34:24The only exception was the day I flew out to California

00:34:27Of course, because the universe has a terrible sense of humor

00:34:30I walked straight into Asher at the airport again

00:34:33With Chloe still glued to his side

00:34:35When we passed each other, he said a stiff hello to my parents

00:34:38And kept walking, clearly still angry

00:34:41He didn't look at me once

00:34:42We scattered in different directions

00:34:44And neither of us looked back

00:34:45Right before I got to the security line

00:34:47I glanced over and caught Asher at his gate, about to board

00:34:51He gave me one cold, flat look

00:34:53And then disappeared through the door without turning around

00:34:56The person who had been part of every chapter of my growing up

00:34:59We were finally, completely done

00:35:02Different destinations, at last

00:35:04And I hope yours goes well

00:35:05I said it only to myself

00:35:07After that, a long, long time passed

00:35:10Without either of us hearing a single thing about the other

00:35:12I specifically asked my parents not to bring up anything related to Asher or his family in front of me

00:35:19Over New Year's break, a girl from our high school came to visit

00:35:22He's nothing like that cold, focused, straight A guy he was in high school

00:35:26He's completely different

00:35:31Honestly, if you ran into him now, you might not even recognize him

00:35:35I didn't say anything

00:35:37Mia kicked her under the table and smoothly changed the subject

00:35:40And the girl dropped it

00:35:41We did the New Year's countdown by the water

00:35:43And Mia told me to make a wish

00:35:46Hope New Year, Syria parent healthy, competing under the world

00:35:49I realized it was the first wish I'd ever made that had absolutely nothing to do with him

00:35:54For a full six years of my life, every single wish I made had involved Asher in some way

00:36:01Mia! Happy New Year!

00:36:03I felt genuinely happy

00:36:05I knew I had finally, actually, completely let go

00:36:10The first winter break of college, I missed my parents so badly I couldn't stand it

00:36:15The second my last exam was done, I was on the first flight home

00:36:18What I didn't expect was that Asher had come to the airport with my parents to pick me up

00:36:23After half a year apart, we had both changed

00:36:26He was thinner, had dyed his hair, but was still, honestly, annoyingly good looking

00:36:31I've always had terrible judgment about people, but my taste has never been the problem

00:36:36Why else would I have been trailing after him since we were five?

00:36:39Hey there, big bro Asher

00:36:41He stared at me like I'd spoken a different language

00:36:44We ran into him outside, he insisted on coming along to help

00:36:48I smiled and waved her off, it was fine

00:36:52In the car, I immediately launched into all the funny things that had happened at school

00:36:57And my parents were the whole ride, no one was paying any attention to Asher

00:37:03You've worked hard, please send our regards to your parents

00:37:06He seemed like he wanted to come inside when we got home, but all three of us politely turned him

00:37:10down together

00:37:11My grandma and my aunt had both come back to celebrate the holidays that year

00:37:15New Year's Eve was loud and packed with family

00:37:18After the big dinner, the older relatives parked themselves in front of the TV

00:37:21While the rest of us were teaching each other card games

00:37:24That's when Asher showed up at the door with his parents, arms full of bags

00:37:28Our house is too quiet tonight, hope you don't mind us crashing your game

00:37:36Our house is too quiet tonight, hope you don't mind us crashing your game

00:37:40Asher's mom laughed as she walked in

00:37:42Every year growing up, the two families had spent the holiday together

00:37:45This year, because of everything that had happened, my mom had turned down the invitation to share the big dinner

00:37:52But you can't exactly turn people away once they're at your door

00:37:55Asher settled himself naturally

00:37:57My cousins had no idea about any of the drama, and kept teasing us like they always had

00:38:02I laughed it off

00:38:04It's not what you think

00:38:05Asher's expression went a little flat

00:38:07When midnight came, and we all went outside for sparklers

00:38:12He caught my arm, and looked like he was working up to say something

00:38:16My phone rang, my face went a little warm

00:38:18It was a guy from one of my clubs at school

00:38:22Hi Stella, I'm just a bit bored and wanted to say Happy New Year to you

00:38:27A local California boy named Jake

00:38:29He was good looking too, not in that cold, aloof way

00:38:32More like the guy who's always laughing at everything, and making you laugh right along with him

00:38:37He never ran out of things to say, and he had a way of making me completely lose it at

00:38:42the most random things

00:38:43We talked for a while longer, and when he finally hung up, Asher was standing right behind me with a

00:38:48face like a thundercloud

00:38:51Boyfriend?

00:38:53Not yet, I guess

00:38:58Not yet, I guess

00:38:59I thought about it, and answered honestly

00:39:01I assumed he was done, but then he spoke again

00:39:05Long distance guys aren't always reliable

00:39:07You should find someone local, someone you actually know

00:39:13I nodded, something in that seemed to land somewhere tender

00:39:16You're right, you really can't tell with people

00:39:18I'll keep my guard up

00:39:20Asher went quiet for a very long time

00:39:23I assumed he was done

00:39:24I didn't think too hard about it

00:39:27Thanks for the advice big bro

00:39:29You should figure out your own situation too

00:39:31He'd always been unpredictable like that

00:39:33After that, I spent the rest of break bouncing around visiting relatives with my grandma and parents

00:39:39And then we did a little road trip

00:39:40I was barely home

00:39:41I didn't run into Asher once

00:39:43The break was short, and soon enough I was back at school

00:39:46But the very next day after I arrived, Asher was standing outside my campus gate

00:39:52Asher, what are you doing here?

00:39:55I wanted to see what your school looks like

00:39:58And check if you're actually doing okay out here

00:40:01Really well actually, the food here is amazing, you should look up some spots and try them

00:40:06Stella, can't you come eat with me just once?

00:40:12Sorry about that man, I've already got Stella booked, you'll have to get in line

00:40:18Stella, you came back to school this early for him?

00:40:23Sorry Asher, we're heading out to eat, I'll see you

00:40:27Let's go, didn't you say the place was far? Stop standing there

00:40:30Asher was still standing at the campus gate watching us, and under the shadow of the trees, he looked incredibly

00:40:36alone

00:40:37He suddenly started showing up in my world constantly

00:40:40I never found out what excuse he gave his school, but he kept appearing in California out of nowhere

00:40:46He started showing up with gifts, flowers, bags, jewelry, and I turned every single one down

00:40:51When there was nothing else to do, he'd just sit outside my dorm building, and refused to leave no matter

00:40:57how many times I asked

00:40:58Whenever he managed to catch me, he'd fallen to step beside me to every single class, then follow me to

00:41:04the dining hall

00:41:05Jake was visibly miserable about the whole thing

00:41:07Asher's mom had been calling and messaging me from multiple angles

00:41:11She begged me to please talk some sense into him

00:41:14I was beyond done, I genuinely could not figure out what Asher thought he was doing

00:41:20Stella, why does Jake get to pursue you, but I don't?

00:41:24Sona Waitestas

00:41:26He's known you for what, a few months?

00:41:29How many years have I known you?

00:41:32No one in this world understands you the way I do, not even your parents

00:41:36And no one is better for you than me

00:41:44Asher, do you genuinely not remember what you did?

00:41:48Ask yourself honestly

00:41:50Did you ever actually treat my feelings like they mattered?

00:41:55You just liked the ego boost of having me chase after you

00:41:59You knew no matter what you did, I wouldn't leave, so you just did whatever you felt like with my

00:42:04heart

00:42:06Yeah, I did some things wrong back then

00:42:08I was young, I thought the whole world was waiting for me

00:42:11And I didn't want to feel like I was tied to any one person

00:42:14I owe you a real apology, Stella

00:42:17I'm sorry

00:42:19But even if you treat me like a stranger, can I at least have the chance to start over and

00:42:23earn it back?

00:42:24After you left, I realized I don't know how to live without you in it

00:42:28I can't imagine going forward and not having anyone to share everything with

00:42:32Honestly, since leaving you, I figured out that real, mutual feelings don't require you to shrink yourself down to nothing

00:42:39I can just be myself

00:42:40My mood doesn't have to orbit around someone else's

00:42:43And when I realized that, I started to wonder if what I felt back then was ever real love

00:42:48Or just something a younger, more naive version of me invented

00:42:55But... but...

00:42:57We made promises

00:43:01We said we'd go to college together, study abroad together, travel the whole world together

00:43:05Are you gonna walk away from all of that too?

00:43:08Stella, are you gonna leave all this behind too?

00:43:11You broke the promises first

00:43:14And I've already found someone I want to do all of those things with

00:43:20Stop, Stella, please, just stop

00:43:27Maybe you're not actually in love with me

00:43:29Maybe you just can't stand the idea of losing

00:43:32Asher, honestly

00:43:34It's time for you to move on too

00:43:39I didn't wait for a response

00:43:41Jake had been waiting across the street for a while

00:43:43I jogged over, and he immediately reached down and took my hand

00:43:49Finally shook the ex?

00:43:52Did you tell him I've got full bug patrol rights now?

00:43:54He doesn't get a single one

00:43:57Everyone is going through their own goodbyes

00:44:00As for us, it's finally completely over

00:44:05Fading away like the rain

00:44:06Everyone in the middle of their own goodbyes

00:44:09And just like that, the two of us were finally completely over

00:44:13Scattered like rain

00:44:14The summer I turned 18, Asher made me cross a line I could never take back

00:44:18I bit my lip through the ache, glowing secretly all night

00:44:22Convinced that six long years of loving him from a distance

00:44:24Had finally, finally paid off

00:44:27Then the next morning, I heard his friend laughing outside the classroom door

00:44:30Okay, okay, got the nerd to give it up, huh?

00:44:34My face burned, and I turned to slip away before anyone saw me

00:44:38I'm trying to get with Chloe, but she'd think I was too inexperienced

00:44:41So I'll use Stella to get some practice in first

00:44:44I didn't say a single word

00:44:45I just quietly changed my college application from NYU

00:44:49To a school thousand miles away in California

00:44:51His words hit me like a thunderclap out of a cloudless summer sky

00:44:55No warning at all, my mind went completely blank

00:44:58It was a scorching July afternoon

00:45:00But I felt like ice was spreading through every inch of my body

00:45:04The guys inside kept talking

00:45:06Pausing only for a half second before someone else piped up

00:45:10Classic Ashen, even Stella was just a warm up for him

00:45:13Everyone knows how hard it is to get into her pants

00:45:18So what does that make her? Like a practice dully?

00:45:23Asher just laughed it off

00:45:26Relax, she got something out of it too

00:45:28I mean, Stella's cute and all, but compared to Chloe, yeah, no contest

00:45:32Right

00:45:33Asher threw a textbook at him to shut him up

00:45:37It was just a vibe, okay? The moment happened, and honestly, she seemed like she was enjoying herself

00:45:42The guys all exchanged knowing looks and started roasting him

00:45:46Who knew the Bookberg was that freaky under all those cardigans?

00:45:50Bro, Asher's just built different

00:45:51Why leave free food on the table, right?

00:45:54She's been chasing him for years

00:45:56Technically, she got what she wanted

00:45:57The laughter inside the room got noticeably louder

00:46:00I pressed my teeth into my lower lips so hard I tasted copper

00:46:04Both hands balled into white-knuckled fists

00:46:07It took every single ounce of willpower I had to stay upright

00:46:10To not just crumple right there in the doorway

00:46:12Footsteps echoed down the hall toward me

00:46:14I snapped back to reality and bolted

00:46:17Shoving my way blindly through the corridor

00:46:19In my panic, I threw myself into the nearest bathroom stall

00:46:22And locked the door behind me

00:46:28The tears came like a dam breaking

00:46:30Grief and humiliation pouring out all at once

00:46:33Asher's words played on a loop inside my head

00:46:36Every single syllable

00:46:37They shredded what little self-worth I had left

00:46:40If I hadn't heard it with my own ears

00:46:42I never could have believed that the guy talking in there

00:46:45Was the same one who had held me like I was something precious just last night

00:46:49Turns out you don't actually need to love someone to do that with them

00:46:52Turns out you can look a girl dead in the eyes

00:46:55Make her feel everything

00:46:56And still be lying through every single second of it

00:46:59The thing I thought was my happily ever after

00:47:02Was just a punchline someone else got to laugh at

00:47:04The more I cried, the worse it got

00:47:07But I couldn't make a sound

00:47:08My whole body was shaking so hard I could barely breathe

00:47:12A long time passed

00:47:13My phone buzzed

00:47:15It was Asher

00:47:15Just grab an Uber back

00:47:17My crew's got a party tonight

00:47:18And it'd be awkward to bring you

00:47:20I didn't reply

00:47:21He sent a follow up

00:47:22Also, pick up a morning after pill yourself

00:47:25I'm busy today, don't forget to take it

00:47:27Good girl

00:47:27I stared at those two texts for a very, very long time without moving

00:47:32From dusk until nearly sunrise

00:47:34Asher had been relentless

00:47:35Like he had a point to prove

00:47:37By the end we were both completely wrecked

00:47:40And right before he drifted off with his arms around me

00:47:42He'd murmured the same thing twice

00:47:44We weren't really prepared for your first time

00:47:49I'll get you the pill first thing tomorrow morning

00:47:52He'd even given me this little lecture about how girls needed to take care of themselves

00:47:57Said the morning after pill was really important

00:47:59And that skipping it could mess up my body

00:48:02And I had actually thought, this is it

00:48:04He's the one

00:48:05He's being so responsible

00:48:07I finally got my person

00:48:09And now

00:48:09The clarity hit me like a slap

00:48:11I dug my nails into my own palm

00:48:14Until the pain forced the tears to stop

00:48:16I wiped my face, straightened my glasses

00:48:19And walked out of that bathroom like nothing had happened

00:48:22I was too embarrassed to go to a real pharmacy

00:48:24So I ordered the pill online instead

00:48:26When the delivery guy left the package at my door

00:48:29I waited another long stretch

00:48:31Before I could even bring myself to go get it

00:48:33I swallowed it with a mouthful of my own tears

00:48:36And then I just sat down on the floor

00:48:38Staring at nothing

00:48:40Completely empty

00:48:43Ever since Asher's family had moved next door to mine

00:48:46I'd trailed after him like a shadow

00:48:48And that had been 10 years of my life

00:48:50I had genuinely never stopped to think about what a world without him would even look like

00:48:55I couldn't picture it

00:48:56But starting right now, I was going to have to figure it out alone

00:49:00Outside the floor to ceiling window

00:49:02The neighborhood lights blinked on

00:49:04One by one

00:49:05And then off again

00:49:06At some point, I really didn't know how long I'd been sitting there

00:49:09Mia called me on FaceTime

00:49:15Stella, why didn't you come to the party tonight with Ashler?

00:49:18That girl Chloe from the AP track is here by the way

00:49:20She has been all over him since you didn't show

00:49:23It's actually disgusting

00:49:24In the dark corner of the VIP booth

00:49:26Asher and Chloe were sitting so close together

00:49:29Their thighs were touching

00:49:30Chloe had worn a crop top

00:49:32And a curve hugging mini skirt

00:49:33Long tan legs, tiny waist

00:49:36Even the way they were talking looked more like whispering secrets

00:49:39Than having a conversation

00:49:40I could feel the charged energy between them through the screen

00:49:44Something in my chest locked up

00:49:46He'd only said he wanted to chase her this afternoon

00:49:49And apparently, tonight was all the time he needed

00:49:52The game switched to truth or dare

00:49:54And Chloe drew a card that said

00:49:58I'd do a push-up challenge with a guy hovering over me

00:50:03Predictably, Asher got on the stairs before anyone else could open their mouth

00:50:07Chloe blushed bright pink and lay back against the couch cushions

00:50:11Asher planted his hands on either side of her

00:50:13He was controlled the whole time

00:50:15Deliberately keeping his body from making contact with hers

00:50:19Until the very last one

00:50:20His arms gave out

00:50:22And his entire weight came down directly on top of her

00:50:25The room erupted

00:50:27Everyone screaming so loud

00:50:29The walls practically shook

00:50:30Asher's and Chloe's faces went even redder

00:50:32With the whole crowd going absolutely feral around them

00:50:36Asher just tilted his head down and kissed her

00:50:38Not a quick peck

00:50:39A full, deep, for the whole room to see kiss

00:50:43Three full minutes before they finally pulled apart

00:50:45For all three of those minutes

00:50:47I sat completely frozen

00:50:49Eyes locked on the screen

00:50:50Barely remembering to breathe

00:50:52I wanted to cry so badly

00:50:55Oh my god, Stella

00:50:57Did you see that?

00:50:58He literally kissed her in front of everyone

00:51:00He is so into her

00:51:03Mia shook her head and stepped out of the booth

00:51:05Turning the camera as she went

00:51:07Don't be mad at me

00:51:08If I hadn't shown you

00:51:09You never would have let yourself move on

00:51:11I'm not mad at you

00:51:13I'm only mad at myself for wasting so many years

00:51:16I had always assumed that the spot beside Asher was mine

00:51:20That it would always be mine

00:51:21I am so done with him, Stella

00:51:23Who does he think he is?

00:51:24Watching you love him for years

00:51:25Acting all innocent like he had no idea

00:51:27Just letting you fall deeper and deeper

00:51:29You saw what I showed you

00:51:31I'm not giving myself the chance

00:51:33Mia, I've already decided I'm going to California with you

00:51:36But you have to promise me you'll keep it quiet for now

00:51:40Right after I said it

00:51:41I flipped open my laptop right in front of her

00:51:43Without a single second of hesitation

00:51:45I changed my first choice school to the one in California

00:51:49One minute before the deadline

00:51:50Mia basically levitated off the ground

00:51:53She'd been begging me for months to apply to the same school as her

00:51:57But back when we started high school

00:51:59Asher and I had made this pact

00:52:00We'd work hard together

00:52:02And go to his dream school up in Boston after graduation

00:52:05It had his aerospace engineering program

00:52:07The one he'd been obsessed with since we were kids

00:52:10So even though I didn't particularly love the idea of brutal winters

00:52:14And even though that school was a technical institute that didn't even have my major

00:52:18I'd spent three years treating it like my only option

00:52:21Our families had lived next door to each other for so long

00:52:24That both sets of parents thought it was basically a done deal we'd end up at the same school

00:52:28Everyone, including me, assumed Asher and I would just naturally become official once we got to college

00:52:34But right now, I couldn't think of a single reason to still go to Boston

00:52:38Because honestly, after today, if I kept following Asher around the way I always had

00:52:44I would never be able to look myself in the mirror again

00:52:46I just needed to go somewhere far away

00:52:49It didn't even matter where, as long as he wasn't there

00:52:52He was going east, so I was going west

00:52:54Before bed, I filled the entire bathtub

00:52:57I needed to scrub every inch of myself clean

00:53:01But when I took off my clothes, the bruises on my skin were still so vivid it made me flinch

00:53:07The memories from last night rushed back before I could stop them

00:53:10The burning heat of his skin pressed against mine

00:53:13The sound of his breath ragged and warm against my ear

00:53:17The ghost of it all still seemed to linger in the air around me

00:53:20I shook my head hard, physically trying to shake myself free of it

00:53:24Then, I grabbed the roughest loofah I owned

00:53:27And scrubbed myself raw, over and over

00:53:30Until my whole body was flushed pink and stinging

00:53:33I was trying, clumsily, desperately

00:53:36To erase what was officially the worst night of my entire life

00:53:40The result was that the pain kept me awake the whole night anyway

00:53:44Asher didn't text

00:53:45For the first time in 6 years, ever since we both got phones

00:53:49We didn't say goodnight to each other

00:53:51That was fine, it was going to happen eventually anyway

00:53:54Tonight was as good a time as any to start letting go

00:53:57I didn't fall asleep until just before sunrise

00:54:00Drifting in and out of exhaustion

00:54:02Early the next morning, while I was still buried in sleep

00:54:05I felt, in that foggy space between dream and awake

00:54:09The soft press of lips against my forehead

00:54:12I jolted awake

00:54:13The first thing my eyes landed on was a jaw I knew too well

00:54:17And the soft dip of a throat right above me

00:54:19The scent hit me next

00:54:21Cedarwood, that cologne he always wore

00:54:23And underneath it, the faintest trace of something new

00:54:26Something citrusy that wasn't his

00:54:29Right, I'd completely forgotten that Asher still knew my front door code

00:54:33Seeing me awake, he shifted lower

00:54:35And tilted his face down toward my lips

00:54:37I shoved him back with both hands and scrambled to the far edge of the bed

00:54:41He blinked, then let out a short laugh like I'd surprised him

00:54:47Since when are you shy?

00:54:48I didn't answer, I just yanked the blanket over my head and disappeared under it

00:54:52Asher started talking

00:54:56Stella, seriously

00:54:57You didn't say goodnight, you turned your phone off and now you're hiding under a blanket?

00:55:02Still avoiding me?

00:55:04Then he just lifted the blanket and slid himself right in

00:55:09Hey, how many times have I told you?

00:55:11You can't skip breakfast

00:55:13I ran half a mile to get you those croissants from your favorite place and it stood in line forever

00:55:19Wanna get up and eat now?

00:55:22Or...

00:55:23Get eaten?

00:55:25Reality crashed back in and I fought like my life depended on it

00:55:29But I'm 5'2 in sneakers and Asher is literally 6'2 of solid muscle

00:55:33I honestly could not figure out what game he was playing

00:55:36He had Chloe now, so what was he even doing in my bed?

00:55:40I tried to push him away only to be held even tighter

00:55:43Let go of me!

00:55:45After what felt like forever of thrashing around

00:55:48I was panting and had accomplished nothing except being held even tighter

00:55:52What's the tantrum about?

00:55:55You're mad because I didn't bring you to the party last night?

00:55:58Over something that small?

00:55:59I said nothing

00:56:00He buried his face in the curve of my neck and actually laughed

00:56:03Let me guess...

00:56:06Mia told you something?

00:56:07It was a party game, Stella

00:56:08Is it really worth getting jealous over?

00:56:11You're doing that thing you always do

00:56:14I get slightly close to another girl

00:56:16And you go all silent and sulky

00:56:18I was so furious I couldn't even form a sentence

00:56:21I dredged up something from a self-defense unit in gym class

00:56:24Snapped my knee up hard between us

00:56:26And the second he doubled over, I launched myself out of that bed

00:56:30Stella...

00:56:31Asher's jaw went tight, his whole face going red

00:56:33I grabbed a hoodie off the floor and yanked it on over my pajamas

00:56:38I did not want to be in any room with him

00:56:41And especially not my bedroom

00:56:52Hey...

00:56:53You took that pill yesterday, right?

00:56:55Because I really don't need that kind of drama

00:56:57And I definitely don't want to have that conversation with your parents

00:57:07Come on, be reasonable, eat something before you pick a fight

00:57:14You know your stomach's sensitive

00:57:24What is actually going on?

00:57:26Stella, even a tantrum needs a reason

00:57:29There have to be some limits here

00:57:31I kept my voice ice cold and set it flat

00:57:34I don't deserve to have any say

00:57:36Asher snapped

00:57:38He slammed the cup down on the coffee table so hard it cracked

00:57:41The plastic split and the smoothie spilled out in a wave, soaking into the rug

00:57:46What is that supposed to mean?

00:57:49Who do you think you are, Stella?

00:57:52Who do you think you are?

00:57:55We slept together once

00:57:57It was consensual

00:57:58And now you think you own me?

00:58:01Do you know how suffocating that is?

00:58:04His voice had a viciousness to it I had never heard before

00:58:07The second he finished speaking, my eyes flooded

00:58:10No warning, no buildup, just instant tears

00:58:13Yesterday's humiliation came crashing back

00:58:16Hitting me all over again like a fresh wound

00:58:19Asher clearly hadn't expected me to cry this hard this fast

00:58:22He looked genuinely thrown, scrambling for what to do

00:58:26He crouched down and said he was sorry

00:58:28I'm sorry, I drank too much last night and I was out of line just now

00:58:32He reached out to wipe my face, but I twisted away, putting distance between us

00:58:37His hand froze in mid-air, hovering there

00:58:39He opened his mouth to keep trying, but his phone buzzed

00:58:42He glanced at the screen once, and his entire expression shifted

00:58:46And he stood up and moved toward the door

00:58:48I've got something urgent, take a minute to calm down

00:58:51We're going to college soon

00:58:53You can't keep throwing fits like a little kid who's going to put up with that

00:59:03He hadn't been gone 30 minutes when Mia sent me a screenshot

00:59:06Chloe's Instagram story just said

00:59:09I'm hungry and breakfast appeared like magic

00:59:11Pretty sure this is mutual now

00:59:13With a little heart

00:59:14The photo was of the exact same croissants that were sitting on my kitchen counter

00:59:19I didn't respond

00:59:20I just quietly wiped my eyes, got on my hands and knees

00:59:23And started cleaning up the smoothie Asher had spilled

00:59:26I scrubbed for a long time before I accepted

00:59:29With a hollow feeling in my chest that the stain had soaked all the way through the wool rug

00:59:34And wasn't coming out

00:59:35So, I just threw the whole rug in the trash

00:59:37It didn't matter anyway

00:59:39That rug was something Asher and his parents had spent an entire afternoon picking out on a family trip

00:59:44And he'd lugged it home in his carry-on himself

00:59:47Then, I went through everything else

00:59:49Every single thing Asher had ever left at my place

00:59:52Every gift he'd given me over the years

00:59:54Every photo of the two of us

00:59:56Every small souvenir and keepsake

00:59:58It took the rest of the day, but I packed every last bit of it up

01:00:02And threw it all out

01:00:06I doubted he'd want any of it back anyway

01:00:09After he left that day, the silence stretched

01:00:11Days went by, and he didn't reach out at all

01:00:14Things with Chloe were probably going great

01:00:16Or maybe he was waiting for me to be the one who caved first

01:00:19In every fight we'd ever had, I was always the one who broke first

01:00:23Every single time, no exceptions

01:00:25But this time I didn't go looking for him

01:00:28And I didn't have any reason to

01:00:29I blocked him on everything

01:00:31Text all social media

01:00:32Changed my front door code

01:00:34And deleted every account he might use to find me

01:00:37After that, I called my parents

01:00:39Who were both traveling for work

01:00:40I told them I wanted to spend the summer

01:00:42Visiting my aunt on the other side of the country

01:00:44My plan was to stay there until school started

01:00:47Then head straight to California with Mia, instead of coming home

01:00:50Other than Mia, no one else knew yet that I'd changed my application

01:00:55This plan should work perfectly

01:00:56There was basically zero chance I'd run into Asher if I pulled this off right

01:01:00My mom actually laughed over the phone

01:01:04Ooh, so you and Ashler are taking a vacation together?

01:01:08I made up a quick excuse and didn't go into detail

01:01:11I just told her I wanted to visit my aunt and grandma

01:01:13I begged my dad to book me the first available flight

01:01:16And I was ready to leave that same night

01:01:18Of course, because the universe has no chill

01:01:21I ran into Asher's mom right at our front door on my way out

01:01:25She grabbed my arm warmly and started chattering

01:01:29Stella, honey, where's Asher? He's not coming to pick you up?

01:01:32Didn't he say he was taking you on that ski trip?

01:01:36Go have fun

01:01:38I am 100% behind you two

01:01:41I was confused

01:01:42I had mentioned once during senior year

01:01:45That I'd always wanted to try skiing in Colorado

01:01:48Just off hand

01:01:49But given everything that had happened between us

01:01:51The idea of going on a trip together seemed completely impossible

01:01:55I was running out of time though

01:01:57So I said something vague and non-committal and slipped away

01:02:00What I never expected was that at the airport

01:02:03I would come face to face with Asher

01:02:07He was with a group of friends

01:02:09Chloe was there too

01:02:10Asher had her designer bag in one hand

01:02:13And his other arm slung around her shoulder

01:02:15They were trailing at the back of the group

01:02:16Every so often, Chloe would lean her head toward him to say something

01:02:20And every single time, without any hesitation, he would bend down to listen

01:02:25He never did that with me

01:02:26Asher had always been taller than me

01:02:29And the gap had only gotten bigger over the years

01:02:31When it was the two of us, I was always the one bouncing on my toes

01:02:35Craning my neck up just to catch his eyes

01:02:37Turns out, for the right person, he would be the one who bends

01:02:42I breathed in slowly

01:02:43I told myself I needed to have some dignity about this

01:02:46Whatever he did was none of my business

01:02:48If I let myself overthink it, I deserved to be slapped

01:02:51But there seemed to be only one path to the gate

01:02:54All I could do was stay far enough behind that he wouldn't notice me

01:02:58By some miracle, we eventually reached a fork in the terminal where the path split

01:03:03Asher seemed to get distracted around then

01:03:05He made a bunch of calls, none of which seemed to go through

01:03:08And then spent a long time staring at his phone

01:03:10Eventually, he borrowed someone else's phone

01:03:13His face dark and unreadable

01:03:15And disappeared into a nearby bathroom

01:03:17A moment later, my phone rang

01:03:19Unknown number

01:03:21So you've got a real attitude on you this time

01:03:24You're just not going to come to me first?

01:03:27You actually blocked me?

01:03:29Fine, keep it up

01:03:31See how great you do when we're both in Boston

01:03:33And you don't know anyone and there's no one to look out for you

01:03:35Asher came out swinging

01:03:37Rattling off complaints in one long irritated breath

01:03:40I had absolutely nothing to say to any of that

01:03:43But Asher seemed to get angrier at my silence

01:03:46I'm done talking about this, just unblock me

01:03:50I'm heading out of the country for a couple days with some friends

01:03:53Probably won't have great reception

01:03:57Don't get all weepy about it

01:03:59I couldn't even be bothered to say a single word back

01:04:01I hung up and turned my phone off

01:04:03From across the terminal, I watched Asher stalk back to his group

01:04:07His expression stormy

01:04:09He grabbed Chloe's hand

01:04:10Didn't hesitate for a second

01:04:12And walked toward the left gate

01:04:14I let out a long breath, turned around

01:04:16And headed right

01:04:19With my family, I performed happiness

01:04:21And honestly, I got pretty good at it

01:04:23I deliberately kept myself slammed with plans

01:04:26Filling every gap in the day

01:04:28So I had no room to spiral

01:04:30I definitely didn't add Asher back the way he demanded

01:04:33But Mia and some others kept me updated on his life anyway

01:04:36Asher and his friends had apparently been seen in Colorado for days

01:04:40For some reason, he was suddenly posting on social media every single day

01:04:44Which was completely unlike the version of him

01:04:47Who used to go months without posting anything

01:04:49Sometimes it was slow motion clips of him carving down the slopes

01:04:53Sometimes it was food and late night parties

01:04:55But mostly it was big group shots of everyone clowning around in the snow

01:04:59Even though I genuinely didn't want to see it

01:05:02Somehow people kept sending it to me unprompted

01:05:05Everyone was very casually curious about why I hadn't gone with Asher

01:05:09I didn't know what to say

01:05:10So I just told people I had family stuff going on

01:05:13Mia was the only one who openly called him a trash human

01:05:16Everyone else around me seemed to be constantly stopping themselves from saying something

01:05:21I knew, they'd probably figured out something was wrong

01:05:25In every single group photo Asher posted

01:05:27He and Chloe were glued together

01:05:29Inseparable

01:05:30But that spot beside him had been mine for years

01:05:33Just mine

01:05:34Every time I saw one of those photos, my face stayed completely neutral

01:05:37But something deep in my chest would clench

01:05:40He was the first person I ever fell for

01:05:42Someone I had genuinely, completely, embarrassingly loved for such a long time

01:05:47In the middle of the night, alone, I would fall apart a little

01:05:50And sometimes I felt this stubborn, stupid feeling that I wasn't ready to let go

01:05:55But every time that feeling started rising, I'd replay his words and give myself a mental slap

01:06:00I'd repeat it to myself over and over

01:06:03Stella, don't be pathetic

01:06:04That's the fastest way to make yourself even less worth respecting

01:06:08Just hold on a little longer

01:06:10Once the detox period was over, everything would be fine

01:06:13We went a full month without any contact

01:06:15The longest we'd ever gone since the day we met

01:06:18Distance and time turned out to be the best medicine

01:06:20I ground through the worst of it and came out the other side

01:06:23Just when I'd reached the point where I didn't think about him every hour of every day

01:06:28He switched to a new number and called me from across the country

01:06:34So you're just that bold

01:06:36Running off without me and staying this long?

01:06:39Summer's almost over, Stella

01:06:42Did you forget you promised to go on a trip with me?

01:06:45Maybe it was because we'd gone so long without talking

01:06:48But underneath all the complaints, his voice had this edge to it

01:06:51Almost careful, I still didn't want to talk to him

01:06:54I was about to hang up when his mom snatched the phone

01:06:57Stella, sweetheart, are you having fun out there?

01:07:01This boy won't tell me anything

01:07:03I only just found out you two had a fight

01:07:06Don't be too hard on him, honey

01:07:08When you come back, I'll make him apologize to your face

01:07:12Oh, and Ashler just got his acceptance letter today

01:07:15Yours should come soon, too

01:07:17Have you thought about when you'll come home for your going away party?

01:07:21I've got a little surprise planned

01:07:23Asher's mom had been like a second family to me since I was little

01:07:27I couldn't bring myself to hang up on her

01:07:29So I stayed on and let her talk

01:07:31I'm not really planning to have a party

01:07:33My parents are always traveling

01:07:34And honestly, we can just do a video call thing with family

01:07:38I probably won't be back before school starts anyway

01:07:41I'll just come home right before move in

01:07:43I didn't even finish the sentence before Asher took the phone back

01:07:46His breathing was heavy

01:07:47I could feel the anger coming through from 3,000 miles away

01:07:53Stella, I'm literally the one reaching out first here

01:07:56How much longer are you going to keep this up?

01:07:59If you don't come back, don't expect me to wait for you

01:08:02I'll head to Boston without you

01:08:04He delivered the threat in this cold, flat voice

01:08:07Waited and waited

01:08:09Without getting the answer he wanted

01:08:11My acceptance letter had already arrived at home

01:08:14When they saw the school name on the letter

01:08:16My parents finally found out I'd changed my application

01:08:19My mom video called me

01:08:20Hi baby

01:08:22Why didn't you talk to us before changing your application?

01:08:25Does Asher know?

01:08:27His mom called this morning asking if your letter had come yet

01:08:31I had no words

01:08:35Baby, how are we supposed to feel okay about you going all the way to California alone?

01:08:39Aren't you the kid who's terrified of bugs and can't handle heat?

01:08:43You really think you can manage?

01:08:45Don't call me to come deal with it for you

01:08:48That school has a lot to offer and Mia will be going there too

01:08:51You don't have to worry

01:08:53Is this about a fight with Asher?

01:08:56Because that's not a reason to switch schools across the country

01:09:01What if you change your mind in a week and want him back?

01:09:04Then what?

01:09:05It's heart your caption

01:09:06I just decided to say it straight

01:09:10Asher has a girlfriend

01:09:12Mom, Dad, I have my own life and I don't want to just orbit around his forever

01:09:19So please support my choice

01:09:21And please keep it between us for now

01:09:24My parents looked at each other for a long time without speaking

01:09:28The only thing they asked was that I come home sooner rather than later

01:09:32School was starting soon and they wanted time with me

01:09:35My mom mentioned that Asher had gone off on another trip with friends

01:09:38The very next day after getting his acceptance letter

01:09:41He'd been gone for days

01:09:43His mom was apparently calling my mom regularly

01:09:45Asking when I was flying back

01:09:47On the day I landed, my parents showed up at the airport

01:09:50Dressed like they were going somewhere formal

01:09:52I woke up from my nap on the drive

01:09:54I realized they'd pulled up to a five star hotel

01:09:58I was still half asleep when my mom grabbed my arm

01:10:01And steered me through the lobby

01:10:03And right there, standing in the middle of it

01:10:05Was Asher, who I hadn't seen in months

01:10:08My feet stopped moving on their own

01:10:11Asher was in a perfectly fitted black suit

01:10:13Leaning casually beside the lobby fountain

01:10:16Like something out of a magazine spread

01:10:18Just one summer was all it took

01:10:19The boyish edge had faded

01:10:21And he looked exactly like the version of him

01:10:24I used to imagine when I tried to picture him grown up

01:10:26Something complicated twisted in my chest

01:10:29I'd avoided this moment for months

01:10:31And now here it was, sprung on me with no warning

01:10:34Stella, it's Ashler's going away party

01:10:37We figured we'd pick you up and bring you straight here

01:10:40You said you didn't want a party of your own, right?

01:10:43Ashley asked his parents to set the date for the day you got back

01:10:47So you can kind of both celebrate together

01:10:49Asher seemed to sense something

01:10:50Because right then, he casually glanced over

01:10:53And his gaze landed directly on mine

01:10:55My heart lurched sideways

01:10:57Still felt like the floor dropped out

01:10:59But Asher moved first

01:11:01He took one step toward us

01:11:03And then Chloe appeared out of nowhere

01:11:04And slipped her arm through his

01:11:06She pulled him along with her, smiling wide

01:11:09And walked right over to us

01:11:12Oh my gosh, Stella, you're back

01:11:15I've been wanting to properly meet you forever

01:11:18I always saw you around with Asher

01:11:21I'm from the AP track

01:11:22So we never officially met

01:11:25And I'm genuinely sad about that

01:11:29Yeah, Asher looked vaguely uncomfortable

01:11:31Why would you want to get to know her?

01:11:34She's just a drama queen who throws fits

01:11:37I honestly thought she'd stayed in her aunt's state forever

01:11:40The world will keep on turning and your name will be forgotten

01:11:44I had nothing to say to that

01:11:45There was genuinely no response

01:11:48Chloe's silver bodycon dress was covered in tiny crystals that caught every bit of light in the room

01:11:53I glanced down at myself

01:11:54White tea, jeans, sneakers, hair that still had a slight slept on way from the plane

01:11:59I looked like I'd made a wrong turn on the way to a convenience store

01:12:02I brought a dress for you baby, you can go change in the powder room

01:12:05I nodded, then shook my head

01:12:07There was no point, this wasn't my party

01:12:10Asher kept staring at me with this unreadable expression

01:12:13Chloe's eyes kept flicking back and forth between the two of us

01:12:16Luckily, a few more guests arrived just then

01:12:19And Chloe immediately pulled Asher over to greet them

01:12:22Like she was already the hostess

01:12:23Mom, let's go in, I'm a little hungry

01:12:28It was a small gathering

01:12:29Asher had only invited close family and a handful of friends

01:12:32Every single person I knew looked visibly shocked when they saw me walk in

01:12:37I just smiled and said hello and acted like I didn't notice

01:12:40But nobody was subtle about their curiosity

01:12:43The people watching energy was off the charts

01:12:47I slipped out to the terrace for some air

01:12:50And could immediately hear a small group in the hallway cornering Asher for the gossip

01:12:56Wait, didn't Stella fall out with you over the Chloe thing?

01:12:59Why is she here? Did she come crawling back?

01:13:02She's just quick tempered and in a mood

01:13:04She always comes around after a couple of days

01:13:06We've known each other our whole lives

01:13:07She's not actually gonna cut me off

01:13:08I mean Stella's genuinely great

01:13:10She's been ride or died for you for years

01:13:12All of us are low-key jealous of how she treats you

01:13:14But like, one is your childhood best friend

01:13:17Honestly, Stella's amazing

01:13:19But it also feels kind of limiting

01:13:22I'm young, I don't want to only ever have one person

01:13:24That's too predictable

01:13:26I need to see what else is out there

01:13:27But that doesn't mean anything has to end

01:13:29As long as I know there's always a light on at home for me

01:13:33You're such a player

01:13:34I'd heard enough

01:13:35I backed away as quietly as I could

01:13:37The evening breeze hit my face

01:13:39And I felt my eyes go hot

01:13:41I just hated myself for spending so many years being blind to who he actually was

01:13:47I was in absolutely the worst mood of the entire summer

01:13:51But Asher's mom was thrilled to see me

01:13:54And spent most of dinner doting on me

01:13:56Refusing to let go of my hand

01:13:58Stella, Boston can get really dry in winter

01:14:00Let Asher take you shopping tomorrow

01:14:03And stock up on some good moisturizers

01:14:04Oh, it's fine, there are plenty of shops out there

01:14:07And online shopping is so easy

01:14:09She nodded warmly and turned to my mom

01:14:11I already picked out all the bedding for the dorms

01:14:14Got a set for Asher and one for Stella at the same time

01:14:17All four seasons covered

01:14:18Boston winters are brutal

01:14:20I went with really thick comforters

01:14:22And got a few winter coats for Stella too

01:14:24Don't you worry about a thing

01:14:26My mom made a face like she'd swallowed something

01:14:28All of that would be completely useless in California

01:14:31But she didn't want to embarrass anyone

01:14:33So she thanked her graciously

01:14:35Chloe, sitting nearby, looked like she was biting through her own cheek

01:14:39Asher's mom didn't seem to notice

01:14:41She kept right on talking, addressing both of us

01:14:44Once you're both in Boston, you'll be each other's family

01:14:48Asher, you better take good care of Stella and stop making her upset

01:14:52You hear me?

01:14:52Asher threw a glance my way with zero expression

01:14:56She doesn't need anyone to look after her

01:14:58She's perfectly capable of flying on her own

01:15:00The table got a little stiff

01:15:02And that's when Chloe smoothly cut in

01:15:04Oh don't worry, my school is in Boston too

01:15:06I'll be there to look after Asher

01:15:08And Stella will be all the way in California anyway

01:15:10So it's not really practical

01:15:13Before she even finished the sentence

01:15:16Asher and his parents' faces changed

01:15:18California?

01:15:19Every single one of them looked at me and asked it at the same time

01:15:25Asher, you didn't know?

01:15:26It's been on the school's honor board

01:15:28Oh wait, you haven't been back to campus

01:15:30Every pair of eyes at the table swiveled to me

01:15:33Under the weight of all that attention, I quietly nodded

01:15:36My mom stepped in to explain

01:15:39Stella made a last minute decision to change her application

01:15:43She's going to a great school in California

01:15:46And it's actually the perfect program for her

01:15:49Asher didn't believe it

01:15:50He grabbed my hand and made me look at him

01:15:54Stella, I literally watched you fill out that application

01:15:57We were going to the same school

01:15:59His grip was tight enough to actually hurt

01:16:01And it pushed me over the edge

01:16:04Yeah, I changed it

01:16:05What does it have to do with you?

01:16:07Asher looked stunned for a second

01:16:08Then started laughing like I'd said something ridiculous

01:16:11You're joking

01:16:12You're literally the girl who jumps onto my back at the sight of a bug

01:16:16And you're moving to California?

01:16:19And you're moving to California?

01:16:21I pulled out my phone, found the crystal clear photo of my acceptance letter

01:16:25And held it up in his face

01:16:27Asher took the phone, zoomed in, zoomed out, read it over and over

01:16:31And finally let out a laugh that had no humor in it at all

01:16:35In the middle of everyone's gasps

01:16:37He grabbed my wrist and pulled me out of the dining room

01:16:42He pulled me into a side room and locked the door behind us

01:16:45Asher planted himself against it, cutting off any escape, and came at me hard

01:16:49Stella, I cannot believe you

01:16:51You're so mad that you just forget our whole plan

01:16:54Go behind my back and commitment to a school across the country

01:16:57I lifted my head

01:16:58I took a breath and made myself look him straight in the eye

01:17:01I have my own plans

01:17:04Since when do I have to build my entire future around what you want?

01:17:07Asher, be honest with yourself

01:17:10Are you actually upset about the plan?

01:17:12Or are you upset because I'm not available to be your fallback girl anymore?

01:17:16The color drained from his face

01:17:18What is that supposed to mean?

01:17:19Could you not phrase things like that?

01:17:21We're adults

01:17:23That night was completely mutual

01:17:25Are you seriously still bringing that up?

01:17:26I was embarrassed, but I held his gaze anyway

01:17:29Asher, if you like someone else, you could have just said so

01:17:32I'm not so shameless that I would have kept throwing myself at you

01:17:35But you knew you didn't like me back

01:17:37And you just watched me walk straight into the flame

01:17:39That was fun for you, wasn't it?

01:17:40Even now, he still didn't get it

01:17:42People don't say goodbye until they've completely run out of hope

01:17:45He flushed, something in what I said hit

01:17:47His face went from white to red, and he visibly swayed

01:17:51What do you even...

01:17:52Listen to what you're saying, you...

01:17:54He couldn't finish the sentence

01:17:58Stella, we've known each other since we were 8 years old

01:18:00And we're 18 now

01:18:02If you're choosing to walk away from what we have

01:18:04Then we don't have to be friends either

01:18:06And with just that, he turned and walked out of the hotel

01:18:16From that day until the day I left for school, I never saw Asher again

01:18:21Mia sent me a screenshot of his official couple's post with Chloe

01:18:24I deleted it without even opening it

01:18:27Every mutual friend connected to him, I blocked

01:18:29There was genuinely no point in following any of it anymore

01:18:35The only exception was the day I flew out to California

01:18:39Of course, because the universe has a terrible sense of humor

01:18:42I walked straight into Asher at the airport again

01:18:45With Chloe still glued to his side

01:18:47When we passed each other, he said a stiff hello to my parents

01:18:50And kept walking, clearly still angry

01:18:52He didn't look at me once

01:18:54We scattered in different directions, and neither of us looked back

01:18:57Right before I got to the security line, I glanced over and caught Asher at his gate, about to board

01:19:03He gave me one cold, flat look, and then disappeared through the door without turning around

01:19:08The person who had been part of every chapter of my growing up

01:19:11We were finally, completely done

01:19:13Different destinations, at last

01:19:15And I hope yours goes well

01:19:17I said it only to myself

01:19:19After that, a long, long time passed

01:19:22Without either of us hearing a single thing about the other

01:19:24I specifically asked my parents not to bring up anything related to Asher or his family in front of me

01:19:31Over New Year's break, a girl from our high school came to visit

01:19:34He's nothing like that cold, focused, straight A guy he was in high school

01:19:38He's completely different

01:19:42Honestly, if you ran into him now, you might not even recognize him

01:19:47I didn't say anything

01:19:48Mia kicked her under the table and smoothly changed the subject

01:19:52And the girl dropped it

01:19:53We did the New Year's countdown by the water

01:19:55And Mia told me to make a wish

01:19:58Hope New Year, Syria parent healthy, competing under the world

01:20:02I realized it was the first wish I'd ever made that had absolutely nothing to do with him

01:20:06For a full six years of my life, every single wish I made had involved Asher in some way

01:20:13Mia, Happy New Year!

01:20:15I felt genuinely happy

01:20:17I knew I had finally, actually, completely let go

01:20:21The first winter break of college, I missed my parents so badly I couldn't stand it

01:20:27The second my last exam was done, I was on the first flight home

01:20:30What I didn't expect was that Asher had come to the airport with my parents to pick me up

01:20:35After half a year apart, we had both changed

01:20:38He was thinner, had dyed his hair, but was still, honestly, annoyingly good looking

01:20:43I've always had terrible judgement about people, but my taste has never been the problem

01:20:48Why else would I have been trailing after him since we were five?

01:20:51Hey there, big bro Asher

01:20:53He stared at me like I'd spoken a different language

01:20:56We ran into him outside, he insisted on coming along to help

01:20:59I smiled and waved her off, it was fine

01:21:04In the car, I immediately launched into all the funny things that had happened at school

01:21:09And my parents were the whole ride, no one was paying any attention to Asher

01:21:15You've worked hard, please send our regards to your parents

01:21:18He seemed like he wanted to come inside when we got home, but all three of us politely turned him

01:21:22down together

01:21:23My grandma and my aunt had both come back to celebrate the holidays that year

01:21:27New Year's Eve was loud and packed with family

01:21:29After the big dinner, the older relatives parked themselves in front of the TV

01:21:33While the rest of us were teaching each other card games

01:21:36That's when Asher showed up at the door with his parents, arms full of bags

01:21:40Our house is too quiet tonight, hope you don't mind us crashing your game

01:21:48Our house is too quiet tonight, hope you don't mind us crashing your game

01:21:51Asher's mom laughed as she walked in

01:21:53Every year growing up, the two families had spent the holiday together

01:21:57This year, because of everything that had happened, my mom had turned down the invitation to share the big dinner

01:22:03But you can't exactly turn people away once they're at your door

01:22:07Asher settled himself naturally

01:22:09My cousins had no idea about any of the drama, and kept teasing us like they always had

01:22:13I laughed it off

01:22:16It's not what you think

01:22:17Asher's expression went a little flat

01:22:19When midnight came, and we all went outside for sparklers

01:22:24He caught my arm, and looked like he was working up to say something

01:22:28My phone rang, my face went a little warm

01:22:30It was a guy from one of my clubs at school

01:22:34Hi Stella, I'm just a bit bored and wanted to say Happy New Year to you

01:22:38A local California boy named Jake

01:22:41He was good looking too, not in that cold, aloof way

01:22:44More like the guy who's always laughing at everything, and making you laugh right along with him

01:22:49He never ran out of things to say, and he had a way of making me completely lose it at

01:22:54the most random things

01:22:55We talked for a while longer, and when he finally hung up, Asher was standing right behind me with a

01:23:00face like a thundercloud

01:23:03Boyfriend?

01:23:05Not yet, I guess

01:23:10Not yet, I guess

01:23:11I thought about it, and answered honestly

01:23:13I assumed he was done, but then he spoke again

01:23:16Long distance guys aren't always reliable

01:23:19You should find someone local, someone you actually know

01:23:25I nodded, something in that seemed to land somewhere tender

01:23:28You're right, you really can't tell with people

01:23:30I'll keep my guard up

01:23:32Asher went quiet for a very long time

01:23:34I assumed he was done

01:23:36I didn't think too hard about it

01:23:39Thanks for the advice big bro

01:23:41You should figure out your own situation too

01:23:43He'd always been unpredictable like that

01:23:45After that, I spent the rest of break bouncing around visiting relatives with my grandma and parents

01:23:50And then we did a little road trip

01:23:52I was barely home

01:23:53I didn't run into Asher once

01:23:55The break was short, and soon enough I was back at school

01:23:58But the very next day after I arrived, Asher was standing outside my campus gate

01:24:04Asher, what are you doing here?

01:24:06I wanted to see what your school looks like

01:24:09And check if you're actually doing okay out here

01:24:13Really well actually, the food here is amazing, you should look up some spots and try them

01:24:17Stella, can't you come eat with me just once?

01:24:24Sorry about that man, I've already got Stella booked, you'll have to get in line

01:24:29Stella, you came back to school this early for him?

01:24:35Sorry Asher, we're heading out to eat, I'll see you

01:24:39Let's go, didn't you say the place was far? Stop standing there

01:24:42Asher was still standing at the campus gate watching us

01:24:45And under the shadow of the trees, he looked incredibly alone

01:24:49He suddenly started showing up in my world constantly

01:24:52I never found out what excuse he gave his school

01:24:55But he kept appearing in California out of nowhere

01:24:57He started showing up with gifts, flowers, bags, jewelry

01:25:01And I turned every single one down

01:25:03When there was nothing else to do, he'd just sit outside my dorm building

01:25:07And refused to leave no matter how many times I asked

01:25:10Whenever he managed to catch me, he'd fallen to step beside me to every single class

01:25:15Then follow me to the dining hall

01:25:17Jake was visibly miserable about the whole thing

01:25:19Asher's mom had been calling and messaging me from multiple angles

01:25:23She begged me to please talk some sense into him

01:25:25I was beyond done

01:25:27I genuinely could not figure out what Asher thought he was doing

01:25:32Stella, why does Jake get to pursue you but I don't?

01:25:36Sona Waitestas

01:25:38He's known you for what, a few months?

01:25:41How many years have I known you?

01:25:44No one in this world understands you the way I do

01:25:46Not even your parents

01:25:48And no one is better for you than me

01:25:55Asher

01:25:55Do you genuinely not remember what you did?

01:26:00Ask yourself honestly

01:26:02Did you ever actually treat my feelings like they mattered?

01:26:07You just liked the ego boost of having me chase after you

01:26:10You knew no matter what you did, I wouldn't leave

01:26:13So you just did whatever you felt like with my heart

01:26:17Yeah, I did some things wrong back then

01:26:20I was young, I thought the whole world was waiting for me

01:26:23And I didn't want to feel like I was tied to any one person

01:26:26I owe you a real apology, Stella

01:26:29I'm sorry

01:26:31But even if you treat me like a stranger

01:26:32Can I at least have the chance to start over and earn it back?

01:26:35After you left, I realized I don't know how to live without you in it

01:26:40I can't imagine going forward and not having anyone to share everything with

01:26:43Honestly, since leaving you, I figured out that real, mutual feelings don't require you to shrink yourself down to nothing

01:26:51I can just be myself

01:26:52My mood doesn't have to orbit around someone else's

01:26:55And when I realized that

01:26:57I started to wonder if what I felt back then was ever real love

01:27:00Or just something a younger, more naive version of me invented

01:27:07But, but, we made promises

01:27:13We said we'd go to college together, study abroad together, travel the whole world together

01:27:17Are you gonna walk away from all of that too?

01:27:20Stella, are you gonna leave all this behind too?

01:27:23You broke the promises first

01:27:26And I've already found someone I want to do all of those things with

01:27:32Stop, Stella, please, just stop

01:27:39Maybe you're not actually in love with me

01:27:41Maybe you just can't stand the idea of losing

01:27:44Asher, honestly, it's time for you to move on too

01:27:51I didn't wait for a response

01:27:52Jake had been waiting across the street for a while

01:27:55I jogged over, and he immediately reached down and took my hand

01:28:01Finally shook the ex?

01:28:04Did you tell him I've got full bug patrol rights now?

01:28:06He doesn't get a single one

01:28:09Everyone is going through their own goodbyes

01:28:12As for us, it's finally completely over

01:28:17Fading away like the rain

01:28:18Everyone in the middle of their own goodbyes

01:28:21And just like that, the two of us were finally, completely over

01:28:25Scattered like rain

01:28:26Just like that

01:28:27And youronic, fun

01:28:27Just like that.

01:28:30Elsie's aét ael

01:28:30Your martial ideaj

01:28:30Seed Hell

01:28:30Laugh

01:28:30Once againため

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