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Crowd Control Season 1 Episode 5
#RealityFocusAmerica
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00:04What is up, everybody? Welcome to Crowd Control!
00:10And tonight I have three of my favorite comedians, and they are here to turn your lives into stand-up
00:16comedy.
00:17And they're going to do that by doing some good old-fashioned crowd work, which is kind of like seeing
00:21your mom on a dating app.
00:23There's no way to prepare for it.
00:26You, at the end of this show, will be choosing the winner for one of these three amazing comedians.
00:32What's up, y'all? How y'all doing tonight?
00:36What's up, Aaron? You look so scared right now.
00:38No, what do you mean?
00:42Have you ever made anyone in the crowd mad at you?
00:45One of my favorite times was at a club in Texas where I had four people in the audience who
00:50hated me so much
00:51that they got up, went over to other tables, and by the end of the show, they got 11 other
00:56people to leave the show with them.
00:59Everybody here is contractually obligated to not leave.
01:03What is up, Tina? How you doing?
01:05Hey! How's it going?
01:06Hey!
01:08Have you ever befriended a fan before?
01:11Unfortunately, yes.
01:14So all of you instantly, after we're done, never speak to me again.
01:19What up, Karen? How you doing, girl?
01:21I'm good. How are you?
01:23Has anybody in the crowd ever made you mad before?
01:26Yeah, yeah.
01:28The smile is fake.
01:30Excited to have you, Karen.
01:32These are our comedians, everybody!
01:36Are you guys ready to be met?
01:40I'm going to invite a comedian up on this stage one by one,
01:43and they are going to go up until I give them the red light.
01:47Woo!
01:49So please, start making some noise
01:52for the very funny,
01:53Barron Vaughn!
02:01Keep it going.
02:02I want you all to be like,
02:04I'm never clapping again.
02:08Oh my goodness, this is my nightmare.
02:11Just want to show off my theater training.
02:13This is what we call a thrust stage.
02:16Hey, how you doing?
02:17Good.
02:17I've already made eye contact with you,
02:19that's why I'm coming over here.
02:20What's your name?
02:20Ethan Adams.
02:21Whoa!
02:22Cool name!
02:23Cool name.
02:24You seem like you're a really positive person.
02:25I try to be.
02:26What's a tip for positivity?
02:28Therapy.
02:30I do therapy myself.
02:31I started going because I was told
02:32that black people don't go to therapy.
02:34That's the number one reason
02:35to get me to do something,
02:36is to tell me black people don't do it.
02:37Black people don't go to therapy,
02:38start going to therapy.
02:39Black people don't ski,
02:41you're damn right.
02:43I do have a white therapist though.
02:44It's hard to talk about race sometimes
02:46with my white therapist.
02:47Like the other day,
02:48we were talking about race,
02:49and he said,
02:50you know, I think at the end of the day,
02:51you really need to look inward.
02:53And I was like,
02:53what'd you call me?
02:55We say an N-word on dropout.
02:58Anyway, Ethan,
02:59what have you learned about yourself?
03:01I'm afraid of public speaking.
03:03Oh.
03:04Been working on it.
03:06Me and you both, Ethan Adams.
03:08Me and you both.
03:09What scares you about public speaking?
03:11I have a big fear of authority.
03:14Teacher or professor is number one.
03:16Police, number two.
03:17Minor flipped.
03:19Only one worse?
03:20Police teacher.
03:23I've had those.
03:24Drew's substitute teacher,
03:26ex-LA cop.
03:27Talk about it.
03:30Is he sharing too much
03:31with the seventh grade class?
03:33Oh.
03:34And so what was the feeling
03:35that you walked out of that
03:36police teacher speech with?
03:38You know, I didn't go to LA a lot.
03:40That made you go like,
03:41you know what?
03:42N-W-A was right.
03:44Anyway, what's your name?
03:45I'm Ryan.
03:46All right, okay.
03:48Let me get in the full
03:49middle school basketball coach lounge.
03:53I know how to teach middle school,
03:54so I know it.
03:55What did you teach in middle school?
03:56I taught video production.
03:57What?
03:58Yeah.
03:59What are like the lessons
04:00that you impart?
04:01Trying to show them movies
04:03that I think are cool.
04:04What's a movie that you tried
04:05to show these middle schoolers
04:06and tried to get them
04:07to appreciate?
04:08Paddington 2.
04:09Yeah!
04:09Oh.
04:10You were very excited about that.
04:12What's your name?
04:13Hey.
04:14What's your favorite thing
04:15about Paddington 2, Kay?
04:16It's just so well structured.
04:20It's never what you hear
04:21about Paddington 2.
04:22It's just like,
04:22that's the third act.
04:24That's very fun, everybody!
04:29How about we keep
04:31this energy going?
04:34Martina Fribble!
04:40Yeah, I'm nervous
04:41because you are all my type.
04:46I'm not familiar.
04:48I'm from New York.
04:50I say New York.
04:51I'm from Vermont.
04:54You both look like
04:56you're from Vermont.
04:58What are your names?
05:01I'm Kayla.
05:02Kayla?
05:02Daniel.
05:03Can I call you Dan?
05:04Do you want it?
05:05He's like, oh, okay.
05:09Like, every other man
05:10in Vermont is a date.
05:12Like, in L.A.,
05:14that would be a...
05:16Celeste.
05:17Or something.
05:19Amazing!
05:20So, what do you do, Dan?
05:21I help run a beer brewery.
05:23You really are Vermont.
05:25Amazing!
05:26You actually make the beer
05:29or you kind of run the business?
05:32I help run the business.
05:33I don't make the beer, though.
05:34I just drink it.
05:35On the job?
05:36It's one of those cool kind of beers
05:39that has the funky names,
05:41like,
05:41like, blue,
05:43velvet fist.
05:45I don't know.
05:47I saw my field profile.
05:51Look at that facial hair.
05:53You're a nerd.
05:54Oh, yeah.
05:55Yeah.
05:57What kind of things are you into?
05:59Horror movies,
06:00sci-fi,
06:01Star Trek,
06:01D&D.
06:02The whole spectrum
06:03of the rainbow keyboard.
06:05Yeah.
06:07What was the pinnacle thing
06:09that got you into
06:09all the other nerd things?
06:11My dad's showing me
06:12some horror movies
06:13he shouldn't have
06:14way too early.
06:15Really?
06:16What movies?
06:17The Thing warped me from life.
06:19I always make them
06:21The Thing with the blob.
06:23Okay,
06:23school me.
06:24The Thing is more about trust
06:25and The Blob is more about
06:26hey,
06:26look at that guy melting.
06:29It's no Paddington 2.
06:32That was the structure.
06:34Okay.
06:36What's your name?
06:37I'm Fiona.
06:38Where are you from?
06:39St. Gabriel.
06:39Where is that?
06:40In the St. Gabriel Valley.
06:42It's a...
06:43Oh,
06:43in that way.
06:44Yeah.
06:44What's your least favorite thing about it?
06:47That it takes
06:48two and a half hours
06:50to cross it.
06:50So,
06:51what keeps you here?
06:55Why are any of us here?
06:57That's Tina Bromwell,
06:59everybody!
07:02Let's keep it going
07:03for Karen Dio!
07:11Karen Vaughn started with
07:12this is my nightmare
07:15and then Tina ended
07:16on
07:17why are any of us here?
07:20How about you?
07:21What's your name, darling?
07:22My name is Maya.
07:23One of my best friends.
07:24Her name was Mayara
07:25and that's not the same.
07:28Okay, Mayara,
07:29are you crazy?
07:32All I'm seeing is Mayara now
07:33because Mayara was,
07:35spoiler alert,
07:36she was batshit crazy.
07:38Can you think of anything insane
07:40that you've ever done
07:41with a girlfriend?
07:42Or a friend.
07:43Or a pet.
07:45Or alone.
07:48I can't even think of anything
07:49because everything that's
07:50coming to Maya
07:50is like completely normal.
07:51You're like,
07:52I'll watch TV!
07:53You know?
07:54How about you, sir?
07:56I'm Tato.
07:56Oh, like Channing?
07:57But not.
07:58Okay, sure.
07:59Sure.
07:59You have beautiful hair.
08:00What made you decide
08:01to color it?
08:03I work in the games industry
08:04and when there's a lot
08:05of people at events
08:06it's a lot easier
08:07for people to find you
08:08if you have
08:08a specific color of hair.
08:10You say games
08:11and somebody gasped?
08:12I also work in games.
08:13And you also have
08:14colored hair.
08:17Is this an affair?
08:18Oh my god!
08:20Okay, Tatum.
08:21You work in video games.
08:23Because of this
08:24you color your hair.
08:25You also work in video games.
08:27You also have colored hair.
08:29Are there a lot of white people
08:30who work in video games?
08:33I feel like if it was me there
08:34it'd be like,
08:35oh, and there's that Indian chick.
08:36You know?
08:39Just wanted to make it sad
08:41for a moment.
08:43I'm always like,
08:43how do you bring the room
08:44down a little bit?
08:45You know what I mean?
08:46I throw down the mic
08:47and I just start sobbing.
08:50That's Karen Teal, everybody!
08:54So it's been said
08:55that if you're nervous
08:56you should picture the crowd
08:58in their underwear.
08:59Audience,
09:00remove your top layer.
09:02Comics,
09:03what you see in front of you
09:04are folks that are here
09:05for a fascinating reason.
09:07And that reason
09:08is written right
09:09on their shirts.
09:10It's simple.
09:11See a shirt.
09:12Pick a shirt.
09:13Make it content.
09:14I would love to get
09:15Karen back up here
09:16to start us off
09:17in this round.
09:18So welcome back to the stage!
09:19Karen Teal!
09:27The first thing I saw
09:29was Sinatra adjacent.
09:31So my grandpa
09:32and I actually have
09:33a lot of beef
09:34because we're both
09:34related to Frank Sinatra.
09:36So do you just have
09:36different opinions
09:37about old blue eyes?
09:40You know?
09:41Oh, hi.
09:42No, one cultural reference
09:43from 800 years ago.
09:46First of all,
09:47I've never heard
09:48somebody use the phrase
09:49I have a lot of beef
09:50with my grandfather.
09:52But you and your grandfather
09:53just get in there
09:54kick him down the stairs
09:55you can win this one.
09:58So you have
09:58different opinions.
09:59You were like
09:59ah, he's a womanizer
10:01and he was like
10:01but his voice is so beautiful.
10:03Actually the opposite.
10:05Okay, okay, okay, okay.
10:07Okay, great.
10:08So I did just advocate
10:09for having an elderly gentleman
10:11who is a feminist
10:14to be kicked down the stairs.
10:16That's what happened.
10:18Just to recap.
10:19So you like the songs.
10:21I like was playing it one day
10:22and he got really mad
10:23and told me to shut it off
10:24and I was like why?
10:25And he's like
10:25you know, like we're related.
10:27Like he came to some
10:28family gathering
10:28or whatever
10:29and apparently was like
10:29rude to my grandpa
10:30and I was like okay.
10:32And you said
10:32ignore your feelings.
10:34I have no loyalty to you
10:35but I'm going to listen
10:37to this man
10:38because his voice
10:38sounds like butter.
10:40Like you're a fan
10:42of Michael Jackson.
10:43You watch Woody Allen movies.
10:48You're like
10:48Roman Polanski
10:49that is my damn.
10:50Okay, yeah.
10:52We'll move on.
10:53We've done it all.
10:53We've done it all.
10:54I'm not going to make you
10:55answer that awful question
10:56that I asked you.
10:58So writing partners
10:59it's in quotes.
11:00Can you give me
11:01a very brief synopsis
11:03of what that means?
11:04Keep the structure tight.
11:05Short version
11:06we write porn.
11:08I didn't see that coming.
11:13Are you also
11:14from the San Gabriel Valley?
11:15Was that you?
11:16Yes.
11:16You said
11:17I'm from San Gabriel
11:18and I was like
11:18the valley porn
11:19and then I was like
11:20Kieran
11:20it's more than that.
11:23But it's not.
11:26What's your favorite title
11:27that you've written?
11:28She writes the interesting stuff
11:29I just write
11:30the terribly cliched stuff.
11:31Unpack that for us.
11:35I mean, you know
11:36pizza guy
11:37or sexy teachers
11:38that's me.
11:39I started out
11:40just writing weird stuff
11:42out of my own head
11:43like a porny
11:45knockoff of Scooby-Doo
11:46where people chase monsters
11:48and
11:48Okay, you're an auteur.
11:51Your shirt says
11:52hard rider on it.
11:54Are you writing
11:54anything in particular?
11:56Road hard.
11:59Well, our first
12:00I love you
12:01to each other
12:02was in the emergency room
12:04after I broke his penis.
12:07Thanks or it didn't happen!
12:11There's a nice fork
12:13in the road here
12:14but first I have
12:14one question.
12:16Can you do something
12:17with this?
12:18Just here at the end
12:19everybody!
12:21Welcome back to the stage
12:23Tina!
12:27What the hell
12:29are you guys?
12:31Smutty Queens
12:32Smutty Kings
12:33So I met my boyfriend
12:35at Smutty Book Club.
12:36At Smutty Book Club?
12:39It's a bunch of my friends
12:40and it was all girls
12:41and he just showed up.
12:42Oh, that
12:42sounds like
12:45it's all girls
12:47all girls
12:49I'm so curious
12:50when you actually
12:51talk about
12:52Smutty Book
12:53is it about
12:55the structure?
12:57It depends
12:58I mean
12:58we're here
12:59for this
12:59obviously
13:00Honest
13:01Honest
13:02Honest
13:02Honest
13:03Yeah!
13:0780%
13:08talking about
13:09like
13:10the literary
13:11word choice
13:12and then
13:13at the end
13:14you're like
13:15I came twice
13:21What does that
13:23should say?
13:24Idetic
13:24artist
13:24Idetic
13:25artist
13:25What does that
13:26mean?
13:27I have a really
13:27good memory
13:28for art
13:28What does that
13:30mean?
13:32I can recreate
13:33something that
13:33I remember
13:34how it looks
13:34so it won't be
13:35accurate
13:35but I can
13:36draw it
13:37I feel like that's
13:38every single one
13:42does it at all
13:43come in handy?
13:45It does
13:45I was traveling
13:46in Japan
13:47I don't speak
13:48any Japanese
13:48and I was trying
13:50to get somewhere
13:50and I was trying
13:51to tell the taxi
13:52driver where I
13:53wanted to go
13:53so I drew
13:54a Pac-Man
13:55machine
13:55and he took us
13:57to a sex arcade
14:00with their
14:01intended destination
14:03then help me
14:04understand
14:07how this
14:08is at all
14:10a talent
14:13I like you
14:16your interest
14:18is a mentalist
14:19what do you
14:20think
14:21I think
14:22that means
14:23I have no idea
14:29here you come
14:30like is there
14:31anyone here
14:32named
14:33I'm getting
14:33a dance
14:35that's it
14:36everybody
14:39keep your energy
14:40going
14:41because
14:42Barry is about
14:43to get all
14:43safe
14:55little physical
14:56comedy
14:57so you write
15:01it
15:01you read
15:02it
15:02you lived
15:03it
15:08smutty king
15:09and a smutty queen
15:10I dare to
15:11guard us
15:11no one knows
15:12what that means
15:12okay
15:15you know
15:16some people
15:16hyperventilate
15:17or cry
15:17when they
15:17get nervous
15:18I just sing
15:19I was trying
15:20to figure out
15:20a way
15:20to like
15:21come up
15:22with a rhyme
15:22for
15:22because that
15:24is the sound
15:25that Goofy
15:26makes
15:26so why
15:27do you
15:27like Goofy
15:28I used
15:29to live
15:29in the
15:29Orlando
15:29area
15:30and I
15:30tend to
15:31like
15:31really
15:31tall
15:32men
15:33so
15:33I
15:35dated
15:35three
15:36Goofy
15:36whoa
15:40you guys
15:41don't clap
15:42they all
15:43tragically
15:43fell off
15:43a cliff
15:45and they
15:46all went
15:49way down
15:51okay so
15:51tell me about
15:52the tell me
15:52about Goofy
15:53number one
15:53how did it
15:54happen
15:54I
15:56was telling
15:56someone on
15:57like a bus
15:57that I had
15:58like a
15:58crush on him
15:59because I
15:59thought he
16:00was cute
16:01apparently one
16:01of his friends
16:02overheard me
16:02sent me a
16:03Facebook friend
16:04request that
16:05night
16:05and said
16:06I heard
16:07we're in love
16:07and we're
16:08going to get
16:08married
16:08we should
16:08date
16:09whoo that's
16:09Goofy moves
16:12I heard
16:12we're in love
16:14and so you
16:15were like
16:15yeah I like
16:16you and
16:16you guys
16:17went out on a
16:17date
16:17sort of
16:18what does
16:19that mean
16:19I knocked
16:20on the door
16:21and his
16:21roommate
16:21answered
16:22and said
16:22he's not
16:23here
16:23he's like
16:24you can go
16:24into his
16:24room
16:25and wait
16:25for him
16:25I guess
16:26like maybe
16:26he's about
16:27to come
16:27back
16:27and so I
16:28go into
16:29his room
16:31and he
16:32jumped out
16:33from under
16:33the covers
16:34to scare me
16:35first of all
16:36to have Pluto
16:37set you up
16:38like that
16:40you went
16:40for it
16:41though
16:41yeah
16:41and then we
16:42watched Jumanji
16:43then you
16:43watched
16:46you're like
16:46speaking of
16:47stepping into
16:47a nightmare
16:49until you
16:50met
16:50Goofy
16:51number
16:51Toofy
16:53and you're
16:54like
16:54you know
16:54what
16:54I'm gonna
16:54upgrade
16:55it actually
16:56got worse
16:56oh
16:58so the
16:59second one
17:00after our
17:00first date
17:01I saw him
17:02texting his
17:02friends that
17:03he was in
17:03love with me
17:04that's kind
17:05of creepy
17:05right
17:06okay
17:07so I
17:07make sure
17:09okay
17:10now what
17:10about the
17:11third one
17:11which officially
17:12made it a
17:12goof troop
17:14probably worse
17:15again
17:15I went over
17:17to his
17:17place for
17:17our first
17:18date
17:18he was
17:19too stoned
17:20to answer
17:20the door
17:20now that
17:21really sounds
17:22like Goofy
17:24that's a lot
17:25of Goofies
17:25yeah
17:26if you're a
17:27Goofy
17:27and looking
17:27for somebody
17:30call
17:311-800-DROPOUT
17:33and we'll
17:33connect you
17:34with what's your
17:34name
17:34Rachel
17:35with Rachel
17:37she's just a
17:37hop skip
17:38and a
17:39okay
17:41okay
17:42poetry
17:43and name
17:43only
17:43my full
17:44name is
17:45a haiku
17:45oh
17:47autumn
17:47don
17:48megan
17:48mariah
17:49bridget
17:50colleen
17:50cash
17:51and
17:51gabersky
17:52that's a
17:53lot of
17:54names
17:54that's amazing
17:56your parents
17:56are like
17:56let's give
17:57her 40
17:57names
17:58now baron
17:59you do
17:59a sonnet
18:00your name
18:01autumn
18:03your name
18:04autumn
18:07autumn
18:08your name
18:11okay
18:11I think
18:11I did it
18:17now hard
18:18rider
18:18you did
18:18the damage
18:19yeah
18:20but what
18:20about the
18:21damaged
18:21how you
18:22doing
18:22road
18:22hard
18:25what's
18:25your name
18:25road
18:25hard
18:26I'm
18:26James
18:26can you
18:27walk us
18:27through
18:27how it
18:28felt
18:28for you
18:30to go
18:30from
18:31yes
18:31to
18:32no
18:32well
18:33there was
18:33sort of
18:33like a
18:34slip
18:34and a
18:35bump
18:35I
18:35believe
18:35she
18:36has
18:36a
18:36name
18:41you know
18:42what crowd
18:43this is
18:44it
18:45we're
18:45about
18:45to
18:45celebrate
18:46us
18:46home
18:46it's
18:47time
18:47to
18:47get
18:48foot
18:48loose
18:48these
18:49are
18:50all
18:50just
18:50kidney
18:50logging
18:50songs
18:51it's
18:51time
18:52for
18:52the
18:52danger
18:53zone
18:56will
18:57the
18:57remaining
18:57members
18:58of this
18:59audience
18:59remove
18:59your
19:00top
19:00layer
19:01comic
19:02we have
19:02revealed
19:03our
19:04red
19:04flags
19:05these
19:06are
19:06people
19:06in our
19:07audience
19:07who
19:08have
19:08more
19:08challenging
19:09or
19:10more
19:10dangerous
19:11subjects
19:12on their
19:13shirts
19:13see a
19:14red
19:14flag
19:14and
19:15some
19:15way
19:16somehow
19:17make
19:18us
19:18laugh
19:18are
19:19you
19:19guys
19:19ready
19:19for
19:19this
19:19round
19:21there's
19:21no
19:22better
19:22person
19:22I want
19:23to
19:23see
19:23right
19:23now
19:25Bettina
19:25Friber
19:29wow
19:30wow
19:31that is
19:32a lot
19:32of
19:32medical
19:33trauma
19:33that I'm
19:34seeing
19:35the
19:36SIDS
19:36survivor
19:37so
19:38for those
19:38of you
19:38who don't
19:39know
19:39what
19:39SIDS
19:39is
19:40it's
19:40sudden
19:40infant
19:41death
19:41syndrome
19:41so
19:42my mom
19:42likes to
19:43tell the
19:43story
19:43that
19:43I
19:43was
19:44always
19:44crying
19:44and
19:45we
19:45were
19:45in
19:45the
19:45car
19:46driving
19:46home
19:47and
19:47she
19:47was
19:48like
19:48noticing
19:49that
19:49it
19:49got
19:49weirdly
19:50silent
19:51and
19:52she
19:52was
19:53like
19:53something's
19:53wrong
19:54so
19:54she
19:54pulls
19:54over
19:55in
19:55the
19:55middle
19:55of
19:55the
19:55freeway
19:55and
19:56she
19:56was
19:56like
19:56this
19:56maternal
19:57instinct
19:58took
19:58over
19:58and
19:59she
19:59slaps me
19:59across the
19:59face
20:02restarted
20:03my heart
20:06beat your
20:07kids
20:07beat your
20:09kids
20:09beat your
20:10kids
20:11wow
20:12the
20:13slap of
20:13life
20:15you were
20:16baby
20:16you don't
20:17remember
20:17anything
20:18about this
20:18yes
20:19it could be
20:19a lie
20:19because
20:20I
20:20found
20:20that
20:20my
20:21dad
20:21was
20:21lying
20:21to
20:22me
20:22about
20:22knowing
20:22the
20:22daft
20:22punk
20:23people
20:26what about
20:26you
20:27ask
20:27me
20:27about
20:28the
20:28zodiac
20:29my
20:29dad
20:30found
20:31the
20:31zodiac
20:31killer
20:32wow
20:33my
20:34dad
20:34spent
20:34over
20:35half
20:35my
20:35life
20:36tracking
20:36this
20:36guy
20:37it's
20:37such a
20:37dad
20:38thing
20:39did
20:40you
20:40have
20:40a
20:40word
20:40that
20:41your
20:41dad
20:41was
20:42the
20:42zodiac
20:43killer
20:44no
20:45he's
20:46not
20:46an
20:46off
20:46putting
20:47person
20:54and keep
20:55it
20:55going
20:57the
20:57baron
20:59baron
21:02ethan
21:03adams
21:05accidental
21:07mobster
21:07correct
21:08term would
21:08be
21:08patsy
21:09you're
21:09supposed
21:09to
21:09take
21:10the
21:10rap
21:10the
21:10heat
21:11i
21:11started
21:11a new
21:12job
21:12at a
21:12local
21:13cell phone
21:14repair
21:14place
21:14i thought
21:15it was
21:15because
21:15i was
21:15so
21:16good
21:16why
21:16they
21:16were
21:17giving
21:17me
21:17so
21:17much
21:17responsibility
21:18it
21:18wasn't
21:20i've been
21:21working here
21:21for three
21:21days
21:22and so
21:24do you know
21:25what you
21:25were supposed
21:25to take
21:25the fall
21:26for
21:26just
21:26a
21:27money
21:27laundering
21:27place
21:28i was
21:28really
21:28good
21:29at
21:29it
21:29though
21:31i feel
21:32for you
21:32man
21:32like my
21:33heart
21:33is
21:33pounding
21:34it's
21:35almost
21:35like
21:35it's
21:35grown
21:36a
21:36little
21:36bit
21:37i
21:38was
21:38born
21:38with
21:39too
21:39much
21:39heart
21:41i
21:42know
21:42so
21:42what
21:43does
21:43that
21:43mean
21:43your
21:44aorta
21:44has
21:44two
21:45like
21:45big
21:45valves
21:45and i
21:46had
21:46a
21:46third
21:47no
21:47use
21:48but it
21:48did
21:48choke
21:48me
21:49a lot
21:49when i
21:49was a
21:49kid
21:50we are
21:50processing
21:50through a lot
21:51of childhood
21:52trauma
21:53my mom told me
21:54that no kids
21:55would like play
21:55with me
21:56because i
21:56sounded like i
21:57had a really
21:57bad chest
21:58cold at all
21:59time
22:02why does
22:02no one want
22:03to play
22:06i want to
22:07play a
22:07game
22:10what was the
22:11event that
22:11kind of
22:12for our
22:12writers here
22:12the inciting
22:13incident
22:15i
22:15passed
22:16out
22:16and my
22:16dad
22:16did
22:17kind
22:17of
22:17a
22:17similar
22:17thing
22:17he
22:18like
22:18threw
22:18me
22:18in
22:18the
22:18air
22:19hit
22:20your
22:20kids
22:21hit
22:21your
22:22kids
22:22hit
22:23your
22:24kids
22:27well from
22:28big hearted
22:28to big
22:29brained
22:30my brain
22:31was too
22:31big for
22:31my head
22:32so i
22:32had to
22:33get
22:33surgery
22:34and remove
22:35bits of
22:35my skull
22:36so it
22:36would
22:36actually
22:36fit
22:37and what
22:37do you
22:38have
22:38instead
22:38of the
22:38skull
22:39that
22:39you
22:39once
22:39had
22:39a little
22:40bit of
22:40cushion
22:42for the
22:43pushing
22:43wait a
22:43minute
22:45so how
22:46old were
22:46you when
22:47they found
22:47this out
22:4815
22:48it took
22:4915 years
22:49for them
22:49to be
22:50like
22:50you know
22:50what
22:50she's
22:51doing
22:51astrophysics
22:53it is
22:53exciting
22:54but it's
22:54not
22:54me being
22:55smart
22:55at all
22:56i was
22:57in a
22:57pole vaulting
22:58accident
22:58i fell
22:5910 feet
22:59from the
23:00air
23:00into a
23:00metal pit
23:01wait a minute
23:02but it
23:02usually has
23:03stuff in it
23:04to help
23:05you land
23:06it's where
23:06you put
23:06the pole
23:07oh
23:09you didn't
23:10know that
23:10baby
23:12okay so
23:13then you
23:13landed
23:14and it
23:14was a
23:15situation
23:15you went
23:16to the
23:16hospital
23:16they're
23:16like
23:17you got
23:17too
23:17much
23:17brain
23:17and
23:18they
23:18were
23:18like
23:18they
23:18didn't
23:18explain
23:19it
23:19i'm
23:19sure
23:19they
23:20did
23:20but i
23:20don't
23:20remember
23:21they don't
23:21really explain
23:22things
23:22sometimes
23:22don't
23:23they
23:23you got
23:24too much
23:24brain
23:24anyway
23:25follow us
23:25this way
23:27hey
23:27have you
23:28ever
23:28breathed
23:28into one
23:29of these
23:32she's out
23:33get the
23:33scissors
23:35christian
23:36youth
23:36matchmaker
23:37first of
23:38all
23:38define
23:39youth
23:398 to
23:4018
23:40you had
23:41to match
23:418 year olds
23:42up
23:42i would
23:43manipulate
23:46relationships
23:47using the
23:48power of
23:48a christian
23:49youth
23:50theater
23:50group
23:50gossip
23:51ring
23:54what
23:55the
23:55heck
23:55is
23:55that
23:57i
23:58made
23:58what i
23:59called
23:59the
23:59survey
24:00on
24:01who
24:01you
24:01would
24:01most
24:02like
24:03to date
24:03in the
24:03cast
24:04and from
24:05that
24:05information
24:05i would
24:06kind of
24:06play
24:07with the
24:07strings
24:07hi
24:08i'm
24:08alana
24:08and i
24:10love
24:10sondheim
24:10and jesus
24:11how
24:16about
24:16we
24:17keep
24:17it
24:17going
24:18for
24:20kieran
24:25guys
24:26when i
24:26came out
24:26here
24:27the first
24:27time i
24:27was excited
24:28and now
24:28that i've
24:29seen what
24:29you're all
24:30about i'm
24:31like these
24:31people are
24:31all just
24:32health issues
24:33and sex
24:34you know
24:34my heart
24:36was too
24:36big my
24:37head was
24:37too big
24:38i run a
24:39sex child
24:40ring
24:41i've been
24:42looking at
24:42you from
24:43the beginning
24:43vomit
24:44orgy
24:45if you
24:46think about
24:46it you
24:47are the
24:47venn diagram
24:48of the rest
24:48of the room
24:50all right
24:50what's your
24:50name darling
24:51i'm abby
24:51so vomit
24:52orgy
24:53i almost
24:54lost my
24:54virginity
24:54in an
24:55orgy
24:55guys i've
24:56been
24:56kieran deal
24:56thank you
24:57guys so
24:57much
25:02come on
25:02man
25:04so like
25:05there's
25:05six of
25:06us but
25:06one is
25:07just like
25:07sitting on
25:07the dog
25:08bed
25:08five of
25:08us just
25:09start like
25:09making out
25:09with each
25:10other
25:10hands
25:11everywhere
25:11bodies
25:12everywhere
25:13are you
25:13getting
25:13this
25:14hands
25:14everywhere
25:14bodies
25:15everywhere
25:16also don't
25:17forget the
25:17dog bed
25:18mentioned
25:18seems like
25:19a very
25:19odd
25:19detail
25:20is that
25:20coming back
25:21around the
25:22dog bed
25:22okay we
25:23just have to
25:24have this
25:24lingering image
25:26of the
25:27one woman
25:28watching from
25:28the dog bed
25:29and not
25:30choosing human
25:30furniture
25:31that's me in
25:32this story
25:32i'm her
25:33i'm watching
25:33and i'm like
25:34oh wow
25:35look bodies
25:37and so as
25:38i'm making out
25:39with someone
25:39i pull away
25:40and vomit
25:41in my hands
25:42what did
25:43you eat
25:44i'm sorry
25:44who did
25:44you eat
25:47was it
25:48food poisoning
25:49or was it
25:49i had
25:49covid
25:50which is
25:51what i
25:51find out
25:51later
25:52you also
25:52were an
25:53incubator
25:53both of
25:54those couples
25:55are dead
25:55okay
25:57but they
25:58died doing
25:58what they
25:59loved
26:00more than
26:00anything
26:01the show
26:01is making
26:02me realize
26:02we need
26:02to make
26:03therapy
26:03more affordable
26:04in this
26:04country
26:08oh my god
26:10what's
26:10killer
26:10neighbor
26:11i lived
26:12above a
26:13serial killer
26:13was it
26:15the zodiac
26:15killer
26:17terrible neighbor
26:18because of
26:18the murdering
26:19yeah
26:21sure
26:21that's a
26:23i'm sorry
26:24that's a
26:24bummer
26:24i did antagonize
26:26him a little
26:26bit too
26:26because i
26:27didn't know
26:27that he
26:27was a
26:28serial killer
26:28you like
26:28put your
26:29recycling
26:30in his
26:30recycling
26:31bin
26:31and you're
26:32like boom
26:35that'll
26:35show
26:35in
26:40are you
26:41guys ready
26:42to keep
26:42it going
26:43kick it
26:43up a
26:43notch
26:43a little
26:44bit
26:46how about
26:46we play
26:47a little
26:47game
26:48that i
26:48like to
26:48call
26:49bucket
26:50of bits
26:51i'm gonna
26:52invite all
26:53three comics
26:54to the stage
26:55at the same
26:55time
26:56and i
26:56have
26:57a bucket
26:58of bits
27:00i'm gonna
27:01pull a
27:01card
27:02and i'm
27:02gonna say
27:03you have
27:03to do
27:04this set
27:04like a
27:05tortured
27:05artist
27:06are you
27:07ready to
27:07do that
27:09then please
27:10welcome to
27:10the stage
27:11all three
27:12of our
27:12comics
27:15let's get
27:16started
27:16with
27:17baron
27:17bun
27:21how about
27:21you do
27:22some crowd
27:23work as
27:23a surfer
27:24so like
27:25andy
27:25samberg
27:26my first
27:27job after
27:27high school
27:28was body
27:29doubling
27:29for andy
27:30samberg
27:30massachusetts
27:31from south
27:33of boston
27:33on cape
27:33cod
27:34a town
27:34called
27:34sandwich
27:35i know
27:35sandwich
27:36yeah it's
27:37delicious
27:39cape cod
27:40great waves
27:42let's get
27:43tina out there
27:44real quick
27:44and tina
27:46you're a
27:47disney princess
27:48oh my god
27:52hello
27:52how are you
27:54i'm good
27:55i'm uh
27:57aurora borealis
28:06what's that
28:07about
28:08i actually went
28:08undercover as a
28:09medical student
28:10at a conference
28:11and then i was
28:12also your budget
28:13santa claus
28:13and a petco
28:14what's that
28:14any of those
28:15words mean
28:18i've been
28:18kept up in a
28:19castle
28:20very tiny
28:23let's get
28:24karen up
28:24there
28:26you know karen
28:28you just look
28:29like a southern
28:29liberal
28:30i am so happy
28:31to be here
28:33want to hear
28:34about your lip
28:35service
28:35so around
28:36junior year
28:37of high school
28:37they saw a thing
28:38going like in my
28:39jaw that they had
28:40to like take out
28:41bless your heart
28:43fun fact
28:44there's a nerve
28:44inside for the
28:45feeling and a nerve
28:46outside for like
28:46the motor control
28:47so you're good
28:48at kissing
28:48still
28:52right up your alley
28:55in song
28:56trying to find out
28:57who i want to talk
28:59to in this crowd
29:02i'm gonna do my
29:04thing
29:04all right
29:10birthday lover
29:12yeah
29:13what does that mean
29:15so um
29:19oh do i have to
29:20see you
29:20no you don't
29:21unless you're
29:24feeling
29:26okay
29:30we have the same
29:31birthday
29:32and everyone i've
29:33ever dated has had
29:34the same birthday
29:35wait everyone i've
29:37dated has had the
29:38same birthday
29:39karen i want you
29:40to keep talking to
29:41these people as a
29:41celebrity name
29:42dropper
29:44you guys is it the
29:45same birthday as
29:46charlie sheen
29:47because like i
29:48actually have the
29:49same birthday as
29:50charlie sheen and
29:51julia caesar and
29:52bill cosby not to
29:53brag
29:55the same birthday as
29:56paris hilton
29:57paris hilton is so
29:58chic
30:00i really like loved
30:01that song that
30:02baron vaughn was
30:03singing because it
30:04reminded me a lot of
30:04this like one time
30:05that i met this
30:07other artist who's
30:08also very famous
30:10tina get up there as
30:12a fan of kindergarten
30:14teacher
30:16oh my god
30:18don't eat that
30:19okay
30:22oh my god i wanted
30:24to be a professor
30:25okay
30:28what does this
30:30mean renaissance man
30:31i've had a lot of
30:33interesting and
30:34dangerous jobs over
30:35the years
30:35and now i build and
30:37work at renaissance
30:37fairs
30:38what's the typical
30:39kind of person that
30:40comes to a fair like
30:42that
30:42i'm seeing them all
30:44right here
30:47baron your 50s
30:49gangster
30:50taught 40,000 huh
30:52between the ages of
30:5318 and 21 i've taught
30:55over 40,000 people
30:56around the globe
30:56yeah i've done the
30:57same thing
30:59you call my students
31:01keys a heroine
31:04garrick get back up
31:05there and i want you
31:06to do it
31:06as a character from
31:08downton abbey
31:10oh
31:11i don't like the way
31:12you're sitting darling
31:13cover your legs
31:17werewolf soap opera
31:18i love the opera
31:20who was your
31:21favorite
31:21probably uh the
31:23alpha of the pack
31:26is that like
31:27puccini dear
31:28there and take us
31:29home in song with
31:30your backup singers
31:31karen and tina
31:32oh my goodness
31:36but i'm looking in
31:37the back of the
31:38audience and
31:39wondering what does
31:39it mean to be a
31:40burlesque doctor
31:47explain it
31:49please
31:50for me
31:53let me hear what
31:55you're gonna see
31:56on the count of three
31:58one
31:59two
31:59three
32:08they did it
32:09your lives are all
32:10stand up
32:11harmony
32:12and it's time for
32:14you to pick a
32:14winner
32:15a winner that is
32:16gonna win
32:17our golden drink
32:19ticket
32:21to our world
32:23renowned bar
32:25and you guys are
32:26gonna do that
32:27by a round of
32:28applause
32:28do you think our
32:30winner tonight
32:31is karen
32:32deal
32:37how about
32:38baron
32:39ball
32:41or is the
32:43winner
32:43tina
32:44frivol
32:48the winner
32:50of tonight's
32:51episode of
32:51crowd control
32:52is
32:53baron
32:54ball
32:59you are the
33:00winner of our
33:01golden drink
33:02ticket
33:02to the bar
33:04which is
33:05permanently
33:05closed
33:06which means
33:08that is last
33:09call for us
33:09here at
33:10crowd control
33:10i'm your host
33:12jockey's neil
33:13reminding you
33:14tip your
33:14bartender
33:15drive home safe
33:16and as we
33:18always say
33:19a type 5
33:20and a loose
33:2030
33:21require the same
33:22amount of
33:22material
33:23goodnight
33:24everybody
33:26thank you
33:27i feel like i
33:29know all of
33:29you already
33:30alana
33:31fiona
33:32you
33:34ethan adams
33:35how dare you
33:38first of all
33:39are you keeping
33:40those shirts
33:41out there
33:41can i take
33:43them
33:50it's a very
33:51different
33:52you
33:52you
33:52you
33:52you
33:52you
33:52Yes, there you are.
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