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American Dad - Season 22 - Episode 05: Idol Threat
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00:03Good morning USA, I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day, the sun in the sky
00:11has a smile on his face, and he's shining a salute to the American race, oh boy it's
00:21well to say, good morning USA, you are cool, cool as a cucumber, a cucumber doesn't want,
00:38it doesn't fear, it just is, everyone come quick, Steve is doing something, I'm psyching
00:45myself up for the Langley Church Carnival, take this with a grain of salt, because I've
00:49never been to this fair and this is the first I'm hearing of it, you're not ready, the
00:53church carnival closes the summer social calendar, it's a chance to reinvent yourself right before
00:58school starts again, and you're going as, what did you say, a pickle, your trolling would
01:03have gotten to the old Steve, but new me is easy and or breezy, I've been very patient,
01:09please talk about the belt now, it's the centerpiece to the new me, gives me the confidence of a
01:14cucumber, famously the most confident of all the penis shaped foods,
01:20ready to go Steve, whoa I'm loving the new braided centerpiece, you guys are doing this fair
01:25thing too, carnival and yes, it's the perfect opportunity to reset who you are before the
01:30school year, if it goes well, it goes wrong sometimes, Haley had a bad carnival last summer,
01:39derailed her whole year, she developed an unhealthy bond with a goat in the petting zoo,
01:44they caught her trying to, uh, to lure it away into a port-a-potty, are you guys talking about
01:49the goat again, let it go, you freaked everyone out, he needed to be alone, with me, this fair sounds
01:56incredible, everyone get in the car right freaking now, well it doesn't start for a few hours, wow,
02:01I can't stop learning things about this fair, I can't do it, this Henley was a mistake, look how much
02:11chest I'm just giving away for free, be honest, is it slutty, honestly, yes, but in a way that really
02:18sings, if anything I'm worried about my bold lip, is it, absolutely perfect, yes, those lips belong in
02:25Paris, or on a motorcycle, I can't wait to see them drop like a curtain on a bunch of fried
02:30pickles,
02:31oh, Stan, right, I've watched 16 hours of YouTube videos on how to beat every rigged game here,
02:40those carny fat cats have had it too good for too long, and I am gonna have a normal time,
02:46I'm certainly not going anywhere near the port-a-potties, or the petting zoo, you're literally
02:50acting insane about this, can we just forget about the goat, I have, I bet he wouldn't even recognize
02:55me anyway, I mean, I've grown a bunch, has he grown? I don't care! And I've got my cucumber thing,
03:01or wait, was that Steve's? I will also be a cucumber.
03:07Whoa, Steve, nice belt! Thanks, that flamenco fingernail is nothing to sneeze at either.
03:13This? Oh, no, my new thing is gonna be cocaine. So what do we do first? Check out the rides,
03:19the girls, the women? This year, I'm easy-peasy-steezy. I'm even willing to ride
03:25the big kid rides. Are you sure?
03:28Snot, look at my belt. The new Steve is ready for anything.
03:32That's great news, because there's a new ride this year that's supposed to be nuts.
03:37There is?
03:39Satan's Tantrum.
03:47Very cool. But what's the rush, right? Let's get some funnel cake first.
03:53Stop hitting yourself!
03:56Steve, help me!
03:59Smith, I was just thinking about how I'd like to hit you with this.
04:03I got a cricket leg in my funnel cake last year. Let's hit that ride.
04:07What about Billy?
04:08Billy might have been the aggressor here. We came in late.
04:11Now the trick here is the backspea-
04:13Hey, watch it!
04:15Winner, winner, chicken dinner!
04:16I'm not a prize to be won!
04:18Help! I'm being trafficked! Probably for sex!
04:21Wait, is it for sex?
04:23No.
04:23Okay, yeah.
04:24Then help!
04:28The best part is, it wasn't even built by a ride architect.
04:32Then who made it?
04:33A guy.
04:34Why? After he built it, he was committed to an insane asylum.
04:39Are pieces supposed to be falling off like that?
04:44Nobody knows! That's what makes it great!
04:47Step on the scale, boy.
04:49And get this. No height requirement, just a weight requirement.
04:54The guy was absolutely mental.
04:56What happens if you don't weigh enough?
04:58You fly out.
05:03Huh. He's not heavy enough.
05:05But Toshi's smaller than me.
05:10I can't ride the ride.
05:12Oh, I can't ride the ride!
05:14Oh!
05:15Enjoy the hell out of it, boys.
05:17I'm gonna try to cool off in the mirror maze.
05:19I got it!
05:21Hi. I'm a little late to the game on this fair thing, but I'm loving what I'm seeing from you
05:26carnies.
05:26Doing drugs in the open, having filthy hay sex while your teeth drop out.
05:30I'll do anything to work here.
05:32You're hired.
05:34Fantastic!
05:35I need the first two weeks off.
05:41Hey, big guy.
05:43Close shave out there.
05:44Satan's tantrum was a curveball.
05:46It's okay to be scared.
05:47You're still King Kuk.
05:53Mertz.
05:54Wow. What in the candy-ass hell did I just stumble on?
05:58Oh, no. I can't control myself.
06:02When I see a wuss being this vulnerable, my body just has to bully.
06:07Good luck catching the real me. I know this place like the back of my...
06:12This is exciting. I wonder what my body's gonna do to you.
06:17I know my rights. I am allowed to sing to the goat.
06:21You're a cucumber. You're a cucumber.
06:24Not this one. He's a flight risk.
06:28Hot damn. Welcome to hell, boy.
06:31No, please. Somebody stop him.
06:39What are you doing?
06:40I told you, I don't know.
06:42But whatever happens is your fault, King Kuke.
07:07Steve! I got you!
07:10Next on Greg's Goodies, I'll be trying the famous twice-fried corndogs.
07:16A real news story. And at the carnival, my school year is set.
07:29Ooh, you are so dead.
07:31Everyone saw that. Assault, attempted murder, and worst of all, misleading an innocent carny.
07:37I know what your body's gonna do next. Go straight to jail!
07:44We'll see if we can get a word from the hero himself.
07:47Hang on.
07:48And hang on he did. To you.
07:50What was going through your mind up there?
07:52Nothing. I just did it.
08:03And at the height of Satan's tantrum, Mertz, clear-eyed and cool.
08:09And Steve, the sniveling nerd, unchanged by the miracle of the carnival,
08:14wearing pink hot boxers like a cartoon sea captain whose pants are ripped open by an alligator.
08:19Can't say I love the way I'm being depicted.
08:21I gotta set the record straight. Mertz is no hero. It's his fault I was even on that death trap.
08:28What?
08:29It's just he did save your life.
08:32Criticizing Mertz now might come across as ungrateful.
08:36Dare I say, uncool.
08:40He's tormented us our entire lives.
08:42Barry, he gorilla-glued your boobs together. You had to have surgery.
08:46We know that. But I think Barry's right.
08:49You gotta let this blow over.
08:50On the bright side, he hasn't bullied any of us today.
08:54True. I don't miss the usual back-to-school butt-crack wet willy.
08:57Maybe you're right. Maybe this'll all die down in a few days.
09:01A key to the city is the greatest honor Langley Falls can bestow upon a citizen.
09:08Though, in truth, it opens very little.
09:11The holes simply aren't big enough, I found.
09:14And so to you, Mertz, we offer this key. Thank you for not forcing me to cancel the carnival because
09:22of a death.
09:23Thank you. But the truth is, I'm no hero.
09:27That's a thing a hero would say!
09:29I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of.
09:32I used to prey on the weak, Steve in particular.
09:35For the record, that was the old Steve. If I can draw your attention to my belt for a moment...
09:40But saving him awoken me a desire to do good.
09:44Now I get up each day and try to be the person all of you believe I am already.
09:51I wasn't supposed to be on that ride.
09:53And for the other boy, Zane's department store has graciously donated a pack of less embarrassing underwear.
10:01For the love of... My underwear is fine!
10:04No! They're the underwear of a foppish captain who gets his pants ripped open by a hungry alligator!
10:11I've seen that one!
10:12What was it called?
10:14Meet me by the stage. Everyone else, go home!
10:18Francine, your makeup. People are gonna think we skipped this thing to have sex in the car.
10:22Especially the people who saw us doing it.
10:25Can we go now?
10:26Mertz! We never had a chance to say a proper thank you for what you did for Steve.
10:30I'd shake your hand, but I haven't washed mine, and I, uh, just did something cool.
10:35Do you have dinner plans tonight?
10:37I was gonna have a quiet night in.
10:39Dang, he's booked up. Let's go.
10:41Come to our house for dinner. It's the least we can do.
10:44Wow. Okay. Thank you.
10:47Dad, no! He once did an entire history report on the agrarian tradition of plowing mom!
10:54Great! You'll never want to talk about the stuff I'm interested in.
10:59So Mertz, what kind of doors are open to you now that you're a celebrity?
11:03I bet you could get on Raya easy.
11:05Everyone's been so generous. The petting zoo said I could pick any animal I want and keep it!
11:12Ahem. What did you decide on? Could someone pass me a napkin?
11:16A teacup piglet.
11:18Mm-hmm. Yeah, I don't see what the fuss is about this guy.
11:20Okay. Probably time for Mertz to be hitting the old dusty trail.
11:24No can do. I am not leaving you guys with all these dishes.
11:28That's sort of my thing.
11:29Since when? Let him clean up if he wants. I torched the casserole dish. It's gonna need a hero.
11:36Alright. You got into my house. You won over my family. Congratulations!
11:41Now you can use it all to stab me in the heart. That's the plan, right?
11:44There's no plan, Steve. God's plan, maybe. Something shifted inside me on that ride.
11:50Something more than my elbow popping out.
11:53Well, I don't buy the act. I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life in debt to the guy
11:57who gave me a swirly in a toilet he upper decked.
12:00Steve, I don't think you understand. I'm in debt to you. For the first time in my life, I like
12:06who I am.
12:07You saved me, and I can't wait to tell the whole world about it tomorrow.
12:12What's tomorrow?
12:13You didn't hear? Buddy, we're gonna be on Morning Mimosa.
12:17Hmm. Show the world who you truly are, you say.
12:21I didn't, but I love when you put words in my mouth. Gives my tongue a rest.
12:27Look, babe! I got you a goat!
12:29Who's that? I don't know that goat.
12:31It's a goat, like you like.
12:34Oh, wow. Okay, now I'm starting to see what's going on here.
12:38Hayley likes goats. Any goat will do. Is that about right?
12:41I don't understand.
12:43Yeah, well, everything's coming into focus for me. I'm achieving a level of clarity about you now.
12:48Did I do something wrong?
12:50Get out of here, and take whatever it is you think this is with you.
12:54The goat.
12:55Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.
12:56Just go, honey. Go.
12:59That went so sideways in there.
13:01What the hell did you do?
13:04Stop saying that!
13:08Welcome back from our boot and rally intermission sponsored by Fruit Stripe Gum.
13:13Fruit Stripe Gum for when you need your mouth to be as fresh as a zebra.
13:17Our producer Charlie is telling me our guests are the carnival hero and the boy he saved.
13:24So tell us, are you as worried as me that every car is clay-colored now?
13:30Uh...
13:31Sure. In fact, there's not much I don't worry about, Suze.
13:35Yes, you look like a worrier.
13:37Guilty? I'm a bit of a wuss.
13:41I have this fun little thing I like to do that helps me.
13:44It's incredibly earnest and vulnerable.
13:47Do you all want to see it?
13:51Please don't.
13:54Steven Anita Smith.
13:56My middle name is Anita.
13:57You are cool.
13:59Cool as a big, firm cucumber.
14:02Hmm.
14:05Calm and cool.
14:07Probably the coolest of all the fruits.
14:10The king cucumber.
14:13Gotcha.
14:15Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
14:17I don't know why I did that.
14:19No, I feel it too.
14:20I want...
14:21I want to stuff him somewhere small.
14:23His place!
14:24Yes!
14:25I want to put him in his place!
14:27In his place!
14:29In his place!
14:31Stop!
14:31I don't mean to silence women.
14:34But where you look at Steve and see a four-eyed weenie,
14:37I see a guy with the courage to try to change.
14:41And in the end, isn't that what we all really want?
14:44To be better versions of ourselves?
14:46To be more like Steve?
14:51You son of a bitch!
14:53Ow!
14:54My arm!
14:54Show!
14:55Death!
14:56You're!
14:57Ah!
14:58Bully!
14:59Free for all!
15:07Ah!
15:08Snot's basement.
15:09My safe place.
15:11Figuratively.
15:12The radon actually makes it pretty dangerous to spend much time down here.
15:15Are you okay?
15:16We saw the show.
15:18No.
15:18But I will be.
15:19Thanks for doing this emergency sleepover.
15:22You guys might be the only ones immune to the Mertz mania.
15:25Hey, guys.
15:26Sorry I'm late.
15:28Pizza Overlord keeps giving me pizzas.
15:30I hope it's okay that I brought some.
15:32Yum, yum, yum!
15:33I'm fat.
15:34Is that what you all want me to say?
15:36You invited Mertz?
15:38Steve.
15:39He said some beautiful things about you on Morning Mimosa.
15:43I think he's being sincere.
15:45And the Steve we saw on the show.
15:47That wasn't you.
15:49We thought the real Steve would want the chance to apologize.
15:53No way!
15:54I'm not apologizing to that douche nozzle.
15:58Too far, Steve.
15:59We've always believed the carnival is an opportunity to change who you are.
16:04Why can't you accept that's also true for Mertz?
16:07Because I didn't change.
16:09I tried.
16:10And I couldn't.
16:11And if I can't, then this monster doesn't deserve to.
16:17Wrong, Steve.
16:18You did change.
16:19I did?
16:20For the worse!
16:25Look what I've done to your game.
16:28I'll just go.
16:29Enjoy the pies.
16:31No!
16:32Mertz, stay.
16:34Steve, you go.
16:35Me?
16:37Look what you've become, Steve.
16:39Get out!
16:42Ooh, Mertz.
16:44We all love you.
16:46And your idiot broken arm, Mertz.
16:52Kiss my baby, Mertz.
16:54Now kiss me, Mertz.
16:56Now let's all kiss at the same time on Steve's stupid grave.
17:01Steve!
17:02I got worried when it started raining.
17:04Hop in.
17:05Stop kissing everyone!
17:07What?
17:09Whoa, is it raining?
17:12I love my job!
17:14Leave me alone!
17:15I can't!
17:16I'd never forget myself if something happened to you!
17:20Oop, gotta blot that before it stains.
17:23I got napkins here somewhere.
17:26Look, maybe you have changed.
17:28Maybe you're a completely different person.
17:30But that doesn't change the fact that I hate you!
17:32And I hate that I'm gonna be an afterthought to you the rest of my life!
17:37Back in the seat.
17:40Almost ready to look out the windshield again.
17:42Where my eye drops at.
17:45Ah!
17:47Oh.
17:48Ah!
17:50Ah!
17:53Ah!
17:54Ooh.
17:55That was...
18:01Dad?
18:02Oh, Steve!
18:03We were so worried!
18:04Are you naked?
18:06Yes.
18:06Your mother prefers when I dress like this.
18:09My arms.
18:10I can't believe I got the correct goat.
18:13I believe.
18:14I always believed.
18:15And now it doesn't matter if no one else understands.
18:18I understand a little.
18:19Oh, really, Jeff?
18:21What part exactly?
18:27Don't feel bad for him.
18:28This is what he does!
18:30And I've given up on the carnival circuit.
18:32Kicked out, really, for hygiene reasons.
18:34Gotta keep my eyes peeled for something less buttoned up than carny life.
18:38And is that close?
18:40Timing will be of the essence.
18:42While Sergei is clogging the filter,
18:43it'll be up to me to open the window so Beth can catapult Pierre to freedom.
18:48Oh, my God, guys!
18:49That's my family!
18:50Get me out of here!
18:52Are you good to leave?
18:53Seemed like you're in the middle of something.
18:55An escape plan for the clownfish.
18:56It's fine.
18:57I wasn't crucial.
19:01Wonderful.
19:02You're awake.
19:03You're very lucky you made it.
19:05A certain hero got you here in the nick of time.
19:08Oh, no.
19:11Oops.
19:12Wrong curtain.
19:13The truck driver's in pretty rough shape.
19:17Lucky, too, that Mertz was a donor match.
19:19Okay, everyone.
19:21That's visiting hours.
19:22Steve needs rest.
19:25Mertz, you can do whatever you like.
19:28Come by the parking lot when you're done and I'll smoke you out.
19:32They gave me this jello for giving blood, and I figured you could use it more.
19:37I've got a spoon here somewhere.
19:40I guess I owe you an apology.
19:42You really have changed.
19:44Into my belt?
19:45Oh, you notice my little trophy, huh?
19:49It's for defeating you completely.
19:52What?
19:52I was being honest when I said you changed me, Smith.
19:55You unlocked a whole new form of torture I didn't know was in me.
19:59I call it long-form bullying.
20:02You're not even hurt.
20:04Right?
20:05And we're the only ones who will ever know.
20:08I saved your life so I could ruin it, Smith.
20:13Oh, there's that spoon.
20:15Oh, that's ripe.
20:18Hope this doesn't overpower your white grape jello.
20:21It's a delicate taste.
20:32You wanted to see me, detectives?
20:34We need you to take a look at something.
20:38Am I supposed to know him?
20:40The truck driver who hit you 50 years ago.
20:43The guy who made you more metal than me.
20:45I'm no filthy bot!
20:47Easy, easy.
20:48Our future technology has allowed us to do a retinal scan on cadavers and see everything they've ever seen.
20:55Show them, Kyle.
20:59I saved your life so I could ruin it, Smith.
21:05All your complaints over the years and you were right all along.
21:09On behalf of the Langley Acid Falls Police Department, we want to issue an unofficial apology.
21:16Wait, unofficial?
21:18We can't ever let this footage leak.
21:20It'll cause global instability and threaten the reputation of the United States President.
21:26President Mertz.
21:27Man, I'd love to get a belt like his.
21:30Ah, so cool.
21:32Bye, have a beautiful time.
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