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Clarksons Farm S05E06 englishsub fullmovie🎯🍿
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00:22As spring continued to be gloriously warm and with everything on the farm still going well,
00:30it was time for one of my favorite jobs of the year, releasing the cows back into the fields after
00:43their winter confinement and this year's release promised to be more joyous than ever.
01:00It would be fun letting the calves out. We've never done that before.
01:03No, not when they're that small.
01:04No, we've never let a calf into a field. They're going to be so happy.
01:14Lisa, if you stand, literally hold the gate here, like that, and then you can hold between like this and
01:19you'll become a fence.
01:20All you've got to do is swing out.
01:21Yeah.
01:21My big worry is endgame. It's the last we've had a conversation about him. Both Charlie and Caleb were saying,
01:27well, he's done his work now. We'll sell him or eat him. Not a chance.
01:36We are not going to eat you endgame. Don't you worry about that. Or we'll sell you.
01:41Come on. Go on. Up you go. Go on. Go on. Here we go.
01:52Here we go. Out you come.
02:00They're all out.
02:04This is just heaven. What? This is all our playground?
02:08Look at them go.
02:11I always thought the trees were put along. He got the vicar come to his house. It's interesting.
02:17It blows up. We should go to the moon.
02:19Yeah, exactly.
02:23Elsewhere, the easy care sheeps were for once living up to their name, shooting out lambs with no fuss at
02:31all.
02:36I mean, how many lambs have we got now? 60...
02:3860,000, by the list.
02:40Six, I think. I think we've got 66 lambs so far.
02:43We have many lambs.
02:44But we've lost only two, which is astounding.
02:49They are the self-cleaning oven of sheeps, these.
02:52They're amazing.
02:54The whole point is this, you know, triangular head so that the lamb can slither out of it more easily.
03:03Birth passage.
03:05Oh, hello. Something's coming out. Yep, something is now coming out. There we go.
03:10Yes, there's something glistening at the back.
03:11It is, yeah. It should be a lamb.
03:15Well, it's not going to be a piglet, is it?
03:18Come on, push.
03:19Yeah.
03:19You've got a head like a Toblerone. It should come out very smoothly.
03:23Oh, no, it's out! It's out! It's out!
03:26It's actually out!
03:28Oh, no, another one's coming. Look!
03:30Hey, can you see? There's the second one.
03:32I can see!
03:33Oh...
03:33Wiggling around.
03:34Yeah.
03:35Okay, she's popped two out now. Right, she's going to have to get up now to offer her bosoms to
03:41her newborn infants.
03:43All right.
03:44Two have come out.
03:45Okay.
03:47I think she's stuck, isn't she?
03:49Look, she's trying to get...
03:50Yeah, she's stuck.
03:51Are you going to help her?
03:52Just go and push her up, mate.
03:54Right, so all the lambs that have been born, we haven't had to get involved in any of them.
03:58The first one I decide to have a look at, then she needs her help.
04:02But she definitely does, because she's not...
04:07Hello, there she is, and...
04:08Oh, she's up.
04:09Oh, that yellow one, look how... that looks a bit stressed.
04:12Isn't the yellow a sign of stress?
04:14Yeah, stress.
04:15It's adrenaline.
04:16So, obviously, the first one come flying out, and the second one was a little bit behind.
04:20Only about three minutes.
04:21Really?
04:21Yeah.
04:22Well, look how easy that is, eh?
04:24You do like these sheep, don't you?
04:26This is my type of lamin, lamin at a distance.
04:30But the lamb births were nothing compared to what was going on in the snail shed.
04:35Which had literally turned into the set of a 1970s porn film.
05:02The rumpy-pumpy had been so prolific that Lisa now had thousands of newborn snails living in the garden she'd
05:11created in one year.
05:12One of the polytunnels.
05:15They're incredible.
05:16They're just like white egg, and then suddenly, you've got antennae, you've got shells.
05:22You guys are amazing.
05:24You have grown well.
05:25You've grown beautifully.
05:30Meanwhile, out in the fields, Caleb was doing some variable-rate fertilising.
05:37And positively swooning about our new high-tech crop management systems.
05:44I think I'm putting 140 kg on a hectare.
05:47It fluctuates the whole thing for me, opening and shuts the thing as when needed.
05:51This is awesome.
05:53And thanks to the wonders of my mission control centre, I could boss him about from the comfort of my
06:00office chair.
06:03I'm farming.
06:05In the same way those guys in Houston, in Apollo 13, were astronauts when they were sitting watching the astronauts
06:12at work.
06:12So here he is.
06:13This is essentially the dashboard of his tractor appearing on one of my screens.
06:20This is where he is as he applies the nitrogen fertiliser.
06:27Right, Apollo, Caleb, this is Houston control.
06:33Hello, mate.
06:34That's not how astronauts talk.
06:37Right, I have you at 140 kg per hectare on my readout here.
06:43What, you've logged into my tractor?
06:46Certainly am.
06:47I see you at 12 kilometres an hour.
06:50Yeah, I'm going 12k because this field is the one that you ploughed and the one that you fucked up.
06:55Do you remember?
06:56That's not how you address the head of mission control.
06:59I am Ed Harris.
07:01You will have some respect.
07:03Apologies, sir. Over.
07:06You don't have to say apologies, sir.
07:09Call me flight.
07:10That's what you call the man who sits in the white waistcoat in Apollo 13.
07:15Apologies, flight. Over.
07:18And you don't say over.
07:20Course correction coming up in approximately 20.
07:24That's two zero seconds.
07:26Course correction in approximately...
07:28I fucking love this mission.
07:30Jim Lovell never said...
07:31Actually, you know what I've just realised?
07:32I actually love farming this way.
07:34You sat in that office.
07:35I'm out here doing stuff.
07:37You're nowhere to be seen.
07:38This is bliss!
07:40He's forgotten to turn this side of his foot spreader on, look.
07:44Please tell him he continues to forget.
07:46Look, he's got 150 going out one side.
07:48Nothing going out the other.
07:51You might want to turn the left side of your foot spreader on, mate.
07:56No, my left side's on.
07:58I'm about to put it on any second.
07:59Now the right side, you mean?
08:01Good job I reminded you.
08:05Mate, you're driving over a line you've already driven on.
08:09I know you're a fucking idiot.
08:13Jesus!
08:15Thank you, flight. Over.
08:16There you go. See, he's killing that a bit now.
08:22Sadly, on our new high-tech farm, one machine had been left behind.
08:30Thanks to its never-ending list of technical faults coupled to the arrival of the Agbot,
08:36the green Lambo hadn't turned a wheel in weeks.
08:41So I decided to sell it.
08:43Monday, so we had about 260 tractors there, machinery.
08:46260?
08:47Yeah, 260.
08:47Which meant getting it valued by an agricultural auctioneer.
08:53It's a magnificent beast, as you can see.
08:56How many hours is it done?
08:57Well, I bought it at 3,150, and I think it's now up to 3,300.
09:03So it's, you know, it's a very low-mileage example.
09:06Yes.
09:08Um...
09:09Sat-nav?
09:09Sat-nav.
09:10Trelleberg tires.
09:12Aircon, obviously.
09:13And if you want to step in and have a look to see if there's anything...
09:18Yeah, I want a look.
09:18Uh, what can you tell me about?
09:19Tell me anything you want.
09:21You happy if I start it off?
09:22Yeah, yeah.
09:26Smooth.
09:27Powerful.
09:28There's a...
09:30Um...
09:31There's a couple of lights on there.
09:33Yeah, but they're minor.
09:35Service alarm.
09:37Yeah, there's a...
09:38It's a small alarm that sometimes happens.
09:41Distributors not available.
09:43What distributors?
09:45Okay, that's a new one.
09:47Engine alarm, coolant level.
09:49It's doing a lot of beeping now.
09:51It could just be a loose wire and cost 15p.
10:00So...
10:00I'd be quite keen to hear what you think...
10:04We'd get for it.
10:05Not the easiest thing to sell in the world, I'll be honest.
10:08Uh...
10:09But I would look somewhere in the region between 50 and 60,000.
10:16It's...
10:17Quite a lot less than I pay for it.
10:21Why is it quite a lot less than I paid for it?
10:24Um...
10:24What did you pay for it?
10:2580.
10:26Okay.
10:27And I thought that was a bargain.
10:29Did you?
10:29Yes.
10:31Um...
10:32We could achieve a bit more, but I think we want to set it at a reasonable level.
10:35What would you set it out? Between 50 and 60?
10:37Yeah.
10:37It's quite a big gap.
10:38Yeah, I would set it somewhere around 50 to be as competitive as possible.
10:42So not 60, 50?
10:43Yes.
10:46Having done a pretty poor selling job on the auctioneer...
10:51I went to the pub to meet Nick the chef.
10:54I mean, I'm hoping it's a nice...
10:56Because I wanted to host a dare night, where we'd serve food that people wouldn't normally want to eat.
11:04And initially, I did a pretty poor job of selling that too.
11:11There are issues with it.
11:12The main issue is that, like, the pub is busy.
11:15It serves 600 to 700 people a day, and it serves them with food that they like.
11:19And what you're proposing is that we'll serve fewer people with food that they don't like.
11:26That's one way of looking at it.
11:29It's the way of looking at it.
11:30It's specifically what you want to do.
11:33Well...
11:33Okay.
11:33It can be done.
11:34It can be done.
11:35I really want to do it.
11:36Yeah.
11:37Because I just think there's a lot of food going to waste in this country.
11:40And you are right.
11:41You are right.
11:41That needn't.
11:42That needn't go to waste.
11:44And also, I think it's important, particularly in light of the fact that meat prices are going through the roof.
11:52Yeah.
11:52A lot of money.
11:53There are cuts of meat that are way cheaper than that.
11:57And a lot of people are being forced into vegetarianism that don't need to be forced into something that awful.
12:05It's definitely doable.
12:07I mean, we're going to serve...
12:08If it's, like, a special event like Goose Night, then we'll probably have 120 seats max.
12:14But can we just discuss the menu?
12:16Just tell me, what can we have?
12:17So, realistically, can you do tripe in milk and onions?
12:20We can do tripe.
12:22I don't used to.
12:22Can you do sheep's heart?
12:24We can do sheep's heart.
12:26Have you ever cooked pig's ears?
12:27Yeah.
12:28Snails.
12:29We've got to do snails, by the way, because we've now got quite a few of them at the farm.
12:33We've just had 2,000 born.
12:36How's a snail born?
12:37They lay eggs.
12:38And the egg, it's quite extraordinary to watch.
12:41This little white egg, like caviar.
12:44Hey, I'll tell you what, you can actually eat the eggs.
12:47We could call it the snail caviar.
12:49Yeah, 100%.
12:50So, snail caviar, we're good on.
12:52We're looking at sheep's brains.
12:54Is that a step too far for you or not?
12:56I've never had sheep's brains.
12:57I wonder if you can take a sheep's brain out and it's still alive.
13:02You know what I mean?
13:02The laws on animal welfare.
13:03Technically, I don't think a sheep would notice that its brains come out for a good month.
13:08So, brains, tripe and onions, snail caviar.
13:13Yeah, fantastic.
13:14Could we do bat?
13:16Eating bats didn't see us well a few years ago, did they?
13:18True.
13:19That got bad PR.
13:28As the spring days ticked by, our crops began to fill out nicely.
13:42But over in the onion and beetroot field, still the smartest field in the Cotswolds, this.
13:48Yeah.
13:48The growth was a little harder to spot.
13:53Hey, look there.
13:54That little green thing.
13:56That's a weed.
13:56Oh.
13:57Okay.
13:58There's the red beets.
13:59Look, there it is.
14:00Can you see how small it is?
14:01Oh, yeah.
14:02It's red.
14:03There it is.
14:03It's coming.
14:04It's coming.
14:05It's coming out.
14:06It's coming out like that.
14:07It's unwrapping itself.
14:08But it's coming.
14:09Yeah.
14:10So, that's good news.
14:11What about the onions?
14:13We have to go quite a long way for the onions.
14:15Now, I'm king for that.
14:16I want to see if the onions are taken.
14:17I really want these to grow.
14:19I want to be the onion king of Chipping Norton.
14:22Look at the Agbot missed his bit of roller, look.
14:24No, no, no.
14:26That's the divine.
14:27Oh, that's the next one.
14:28So, that's how we'd tell we didn't miss it.
14:30Take it back.
14:31No, I'm not doing that.
14:32That's how we know when the red onions start and the beetroots finish.
14:36Uh, this is good news.
14:39I've found the onions.
14:40There it is.
14:41Just there, look.
14:42That?
14:43That is an onion.
14:44I'm pleased with their start.
14:45Okay.
14:46Well, that's good news.
14:48The only cloud on the horizon was that there weren't any clouds on the horizon.
14:55Weeks had passed since it had last rained.
15:00But Charlie wasn't overly worried.
15:03Um, it cools down next week a bit.
15:05And then we hopefully get some rain in the next couple of weeks and it will just keep
15:08So you reckon, just give me a time, you know I like a date and a time.
15:12When do we have to have some rain by?
15:14This will be alright for two or three weeks.
15:16Oh, will it?
15:17Mmm, I think so.
15:17Because it's going to cool down next week.
15:23There was obviously a bit of moisture in the soil because a few days later some weeds began to appear.
15:32But these were quickly dealt with by the droid.
15:38A process that Caleb found absolutely fascinating.
15:52Me though?
15:54I was looking for something to do.
15:57Hey!
15:58Come and have a look at this.
16:02So I've just been on the government's website, the government's, and it says, there's a whole thing here on large
16:09leaky wooden dams, or woody dams, okay?
16:12So it says, it slows the movement of water, stores water, stops flooding downstream, blah, blah, blah.
16:19And they're prepared to pay for us to do it.
16:22They pay us to do it?
16:24They pay us to slow the water down.
16:26How much?
16:28Well, that's why I've called you over.
16:33£764.42p for each dam?
16:35Yeah.
16:36They're thinking we'll be like human beavers.
16:39The beavers don't make completely watertight hoover dams, do they?
16:43They just slow the water down.
16:44They just slow the water down.
16:46All we need to do, go down there, just lob a few of those logs in the stream.
16:50Lob them all in in a sort of arrangement.
16:53Yeah.
16:54It helps delay the passage of flood water downstream.
16:57Yeah.
16:57Allows sediment to settle out, and reduces downstream flood risk.
17:02Let's just go and do it.
17:03We'll just go and do it.
17:04There's 700 and...
17:05I can send Starmer a bill this afternoon for 750.
17:07No, no, no. 7,000.
17:09Could we go to bill 10?
17:10Could we go to bill 10?
17:11As I've been saying for a long time, this Labour government, bloody good.
17:16Bloody good.
17:17Well done, Starmer.
17:23The next morning, Caleb and I headed off to one of the streams in what was the first proper outing
17:29for my snazzy new UTV.
17:35Hill descent on.
17:37I must admit, it's very comfortable in here.
17:42At the stream, we found the makings of a dam that nature had already started, and identified some branches and
17:51shrubbery that we could use to improve it.
17:54Right, so my plan is, if we clear away that stuff up there, the flotsam and jetsam will come down
18:01here, wedge against what's already here...
18:05Yeah.
18:05...and nature built it.
18:07Yeah.
18:07...a leaky woody dam.
18:10There was, however, one serious sticking point.
18:15I'm just loath to do this unless Amazon has sent some trained divers to rescue us in case we drown.
18:21Yeah.
18:21That's a big puddle.
18:24Oh, thank God.
18:26We've got them.
18:27Did you hear that?
18:28Amazon Health and Safety.
18:30Are you by a stream?
18:31Yeah.
18:32You have to have trained divers.
18:35To be fair, it's probably a good idea, because if you fell over and out, I couldn't save you.
18:37I couldn't save you.
18:38It's too deep.
18:39I know.
18:40Knowing we were now safe, we could get cracking.
18:43Hacking into all these shrubbery and foliage upstream.
18:48Which meant bringing back the diddly squat machine of devastation.
18:56Gaging rotors.
19:10Where all these Aunqueers were on lässt robots?
19:10They deserve the path being created.
19:12Take a walk away from everyone else.
19:15Back.
19:15Once the Robo-Mulcher had daintily made its way down to the water,
19:22He's in!
19:23He's in!
19:24It got straight to work.
19:32Up goes here.
19:39Mince.
19:42Mince on toast.
19:45Yes!
19:48I was very rude about this in the last series.
19:50I said it was my second favorite machine on Earth.
19:53I was wrong. It's back at number one.
20:01Hey, Kay.
20:02Hi, Lisa.
20:04Right, let's just have a quick look at what we've achieved here.
20:08So all this flotsam is going to wash away and jam up in that beavery-type dam there,
20:15and thus creating a slow-moving bit, which is what you want to try and achieve.
20:20While the said flotsam made its way downstream,
20:24I set about clearing some branches with yet another tool of wonderment.
20:33Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.
20:37Did you see that?
20:40Oh!
20:43With the pesky branches cleared away, we then had to remove a fallen tree,
20:50which meant I could try out my new UTV's winch.
20:55Keep going. Keep going.
20:58OK. Tree removal unit.
21:06Bleeding, eh? Look at this.
21:07There's a big old tree coming out.
21:10Keep coming a little more. Keep coming. Keep coming.
21:16Well, that'll do perfect there.
21:25That machine is amazing.
21:28The last job was to chop the tree up
21:30to make some bigger logs for the dam.
21:35And by the close of play, we were better off
21:38to the tune of 764 pounds and 42 pence.
21:44OK. All right. Let's go back.
21:45For tea and medals.
21:46Do you know what we're actually making, accidentally?
21:50A really good poo sticks river.
21:53What's that?
21:55Oh, for fuck's sake.
22:05The next morning as we set off to build a second dam,
22:09we had two passengers who loved the UTV even more than I did.
22:15Hello, dog.
22:17How are you?
22:21You know, I told you at the weekend,
22:24I took them out in this.
22:25I got them out, and they jumped straight back in
22:28and refused to get out of it.
22:30Why?
22:30They just love.
22:31They like it so much.
22:31They just love going along in it.
22:35First of all, we had to load up with some logs,
22:38which we'd used to make dam number two.
22:44Best day ever.
22:45Come on.
22:45Out you come.
22:46Out you come.
22:47Come on.
22:48Good dogs.
22:50Want to put this one in?
22:51It's quite a nice one to lay in, isn't it?
22:52Look.
22:52Oh.
22:54Out.
22:55Get out.
22:56Arya.
22:56No, no.
23:00Arya.
23:00Come here.
23:01Come here.
23:09Fungicize.
23:15What are we going to do about this?
23:18Censor.
23:18Arya.
23:19Come here.
23:20Come here.
23:21Now stay.
23:23Having loaded up the logs,
23:25we headed off to our next damn site.
23:32Is it fun?
23:35£764 is what it is.
23:39Hello.
23:40Arya, Ireland.
23:42Alright.
23:44Um, you're building a dam?
23:46Well, we're building, specifically,
23:48a leaky woody dam.
23:50Excuse me.
23:50Large leaky.
23:51Large leaky woody dam.
23:52Because,
23:54you won't be able to argue with this,
23:56GovUK.
23:58RP33?
23:59Yeah.
23:59You found a grant.
24:00How much you'll be paid?
24:02700-odd quid.
24:05£764.42 for each dam?
24:08Yeah.
24:08So we're going to build one here.
24:10One where?
24:11One there.
24:11Yeah.
24:12One across there.
24:13Five metres apart?
24:14About that.
24:16So we reckon,
24:17even in the bit of stream I cleared out the other day,
24:19what, 100 yards?
24:20We could probably get about seven grand.
24:22That's great.
24:23That's really good.
24:24And what did the catcher and sensitive farming officer say?
24:27Hmm?
24:28What?
24:29What?
24:29You need approval.
24:31What do you mean you need approval?
24:32It says that it's between three and five metres wide.
24:37Yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:37Hello.
24:37That's how you must do it.
24:39Yeah.
24:41It says what you must do.
24:42Yes, it's got to be between three and five metres wide.
24:45What you must do.
24:46Speak to catchment sensitive farming about holding the water structure and action plan.
24:51So you need to speak to them.
24:52I didn't read that.
24:53For fuck's sake.
24:55And before they come we'll have to remove that.
24:58Because you don't get paid for something you've done.
25:00You have to get approval and then they give you the grant.
25:03And then you do the work.
25:05Well, I'm not going to.
25:05We'll just take them to another bit of the stream where we haven't done anything.
25:08And then bring them back down here after.
25:09They won't know the difference.
25:11They won't know the difference.
25:12But I find this actually quite...
25:14No, no, no, no.
25:15We need to follow the rules.
25:16We can do it.
25:17You know, do it properly.
25:18I like your idea.
25:19Okay, let's do it.
25:20No.
25:21But okay then.
25:22I will stop the environmental work.
25:25Important environmental work that we've been doing.
25:27Am I getting all these out then or what?
25:29No.
25:30We don't have to show them this bit.
25:31We'll just say there was a storm and they got blown here.
25:34The lovely chopped wood.
25:36Well, yeah, we chopped them down and then they rolled down the bank here.
25:42After Charlie had temporarily kibossed the dam project, Caleb and I headed east.
25:51To see how much the green Lambo would make at the auction.
26:00Do you just get giddy at these kind of events?
26:03I love it.
26:04There's got to be at least five million pounds of the kit here.
26:07More.
26:09Caleb was probably right.
26:11Because up for sale was everything from high-end tracked tractors to characters from Pixar.
26:21They actually drive all the tractors through.
26:23Looks like it.
26:25Well, I hope they don't drive mine through.
26:27You're like beeping.
26:28Imagine.
26:29Right, morning ladies and gentlemen.
26:31Welcome to Cambridge Machinery Cell.
26:33So we'll start here.
26:34We start at lot 3000.
26:35We're running up and down.
26:36We took our seats and I prepared myself for the usual bout of undecipherable auctioneer noises.
26:4815,000.
26:49This is like being in a cinema listening to a German film without subtitles.
26:57Do you not understand it?
26:59I can't.
27:01Happily, there was a screen which I could use as a sort of rural Google translate.
27:0774,000.
27:08Sold.
27:12Not long now?
27:14No.
27:15We'll know when it's coming along because we'll hear it beeping.
27:19Armrest alert.
27:20I'm joking.
27:21Service alert.
27:21I'm joking.
27:22And he goes this time of the way then.
27:23At 46,000.
27:25Ladies and gentlemen, lock 12, 46.
27:27The TTV Agritron 50k machine.
27:29Here it is.
27:38You are buying this tractor as it stands purely.
27:46There we go.
27:47There's going to be a frenzy of living.
27:50Frenzy.
27:50Good spec machine.
27:51Put me straight in some round.
27:52How do you value it?
27:53Put me in.
27:5360,000 for you shortly.
27:5560,000.
28:0430, thank you sir.
28:0530,000.
28:06Panthers start at 30,000.
28:0730,000.
28:08Fuck off.
28:0831, 32, 32, 33, 33, 34, 35, 35, 36, 36, 37, 37, 38, 40,000 mid.
28:16I can't even see what it is.
28:1740,000.
28:1841, 41, never to 41, 42, 42, never to 42, 43.
28:23What do you think?
28:23Every time they go over 1,000 pounds, it's less than you're lost.
28:2650,000 a bit then at 51.
28:2751.
28:2952.
28:3152.
28:3152.
28:3152.
28:3255, 55, 55.
28:35New bidder now.
28:3756,000.
28:3856, 5.
28:3855.
28:39They obviously haven't seen the program.
28:4157, 5.
28:4257, 5.
28:4357, 5.
28:43The poor fella in there.
28:44Having the beep in.
28:48He's got plenty of police sell this fucking thing before I go dead.
28:5265,000 a bid.
28:5365,000 a bid.
28:5465,000 a bid.
28:5565,5.
28:56He's back.
28:56We were actually getting closer to the 80,000 that I'd paid for it.
29:00That's 70,000, 5.
29:02That's 70,000, 5.
29:02That's 70,000, 5.
29:03We're not done yet.
29:03That's 70,000, 5.
29:04And a 70,000, 5.
29:05That's 70,000, 5.
29:07500 pounder.
29:07Hammers up.
29:07Fair one again on then.
29:08And it sells this time of the way then at 70,000.
29:11500 pounds.
29:12Sold.
29:1370,000.
29:14Well done.
29:15Well, it's...
29:16It was a financial hit, but it wasn't a financial kick in the nuts.
29:20Yeah, yeah, yeah.
29:21What?
29:24That's the best that track has ever looked.
29:26Yeah.
29:26Going away.
29:35Back at Diddly Squat, there was still no sign of any rain.
29:39Thank you very much.
29:40Good morning to you.
29:42The dry smell of weather is set to continue.
29:46Certainly through today, certainly through the weekend.
29:48And for the first part of next week, lots of dry weather, lots of sunshine.
29:52But Charlie wasn't panicking yet, so I got on with some matchmaking.
29:58Look, the light's even red.
30:00It was a nice romantic flavor.
30:02Aria was on heat, and therefore ready to spend some time with her boyfriend, Rodeo,
30:09so they could make some puppies.
30:12Here comes Rodeo.
30:13Oh, Rodeo.
30:14Look, we need a church for the wedding, darling.
30:16Where should we do it?
30:17Oh.
30:18Do we take them off the lead or keep them on?
30:20No, I think.
30:20Come on, Rodeo.
30:22Oh, there we go.
30:23Wrong, wrong, that's her face.
30:24That's her face.
30:25That's in the eye.
30:25That's her face, Rodeo.
30:26That's her face.
30:27There you go.
30:28Can we all not laugh, please?
30:29It's not funny, but it's still her face.
30:32No.
30:33She's lifting her tail, that's a good sign.
30:35No.
30:36See, there we go.
30:38Welcome to Clarkson's Dog Porn.
30:41It's a new three-part series.
30:43It's called Only Dogging.
30:44Where dogs...
30:46Ah, finally.
30:47That's the right way round.
30:47Yes.
30:48Is he in?
30:49No, you're not in.
30:50He's not in.
30:50He's not in.
30:51No, it's just nowhere near in.
30:53It's...
30:53Oh, he's come all over our back.
30:55Oh, God.
30:56Shh.
30:58Maria really likes it, though.
30:59She really does.
31:00Yes.
31:01He's licking her ear.
31:03I like that bit.
31:04Yeah, that's nice.
31:05Yeah, that's very sweet.
31:06Come on, Rodeo.
31:07Here we go.
31:08Here we go.
31:08Here we go.
31:12That's a bit more promising.
31:21So, what are your plans for this evening?
31:23Well, I don't know.
31:24Pilates.
31:25And I thought for tonight we'd have...
31:26I've got some prawns.
31:28I'd probably get that one.
31:29Oh, that's a great idea.
31:30Yeah.
31:32Eventually, nature did take its course.
31:37And later that day, I was able to get to the pub to see Nick.
31:43Because it was now just over 24 hours before dare night.
31:49So, are you across the day and night menu?
31:52Yeah, 100%.
31:53Like, um...
31:53And you don't foresee any...
31:56Um, do you have snail caviar?
31:59Yes.
32:00But there is one tiny, weeny hurdle, which is called Lisa, who believes that the snail
32:10eggs, which is the caviar, she believes that they're going to be used to breed more snails
32:15to create her face and hand cream.
32:18So, I'm going to have to steal her eggs without her noticing.
32:25If I ask her, she'll just say no.
32:28How much do you need, do you think?
32:31We're going to need about 22 ounces, we reckon, which is quite a lot.
32:36All right.
32:39Given how small the eggs were, that did indeed sound like a lot.
32:44So, back in Lisa's snail garden, I helped myself to pretty much everything I could find.
32:52Removing the mud.
32:54Now then, tweezers.
32:57On a scale of how delicate you need to be, you've got diffusing a nuclear weapon,
33:01then eye surgery on a child, and then at the very top, creating snail caviar.
33:09Right.
33:10I can't afford to break a single one of these eggs.
33:13Not a single one.
33:20Jesus Christ, this is...
33:23Decanting the eggs proved to be such a fiddly job that I had to ramp up my eyewear.
33:32I literally can't see anything.
33:41Tastes pretty long.
33:43What is it?
33:44Oh, that is.
33:45I thought, oh, that's a soup spoon.
33:50Where's the...
33:51Oh, that is.
33:53Let's just see how much we've got there.
33:58Oh, come on!
34:00That is an...
34:02Exactly an ounce of snail eggs in there.
34:05One ounce.
34:06Only 20 times more than that.
34:18The following day, dare night day,
34:22I delivered my contraband to Nick and our new head chef, Max.
34:28Bad news is, I wasn't able to get as many bits of caviar as you wanted.
34:34I've only got 15.
34:37Kind of need a little teaspoon or something, don't we, to taste this?
34:41Well, we can't really afford to taste it, can we?
34:44We haven't got one.
34:44Well, we haven't got one.
34:48Do you take care of these?
34:49No, we will.
34:50That's got to be where.
34:50My testes are going to be ripped off when Lisa finds out where we got them from.
34:56I then went inside to say hello to an old friend.
35:00Hey.
35:01Hello.
35:02Thomas.
35:03Who'd agreed to supply a palate cleanser for customers who weren't enjoying the dishes on offer.
35:10Are you okay? Everything good?
35:12Yeah, no, I'm very good.
35:14Thomas had originally appeared in the second series of Clarkson's Farm
35:18when he'd cooked up some chili jam for the farm's shop.
35:22Whoa!
35:24Back then, his fiery concoction measured 4 million on the Scoville heat scale.
35:32Oh, my giddy arse.
35:35But for dare night, he'd gone a bit further than that.
35:40This is very hot. This is like 9 million.
35:44And this is 15 million Scoville's unit.
35:4715?
35:4815.15.
35:4915 million?
35:51Yeah.
35:52Jesus.
35:53This is the best hot in the world now.
35:55In the world?
35:56Yeah.
35:57You make you crazy in a mouth.
36:00But if you drank all that, it would kill you?
36:02Maybe not kill you, but you have little trouble in the stomach, everywhere.
36:08So your bottom would be broken?
36:10Yeah.
36:10Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd be broke.
36:12On the basis I couldn't serve something that I hadn't tried myself, I decided to sample the 15 million version.
36:23You're all ready or not?
36:26Which one?
36:27The smallest.
36:28The smallest.
36:29The tiniest amount of that.
36:31Oh, man.
36:32I'm scared now.
36:34Oh.
36:35You made it.
36:36I know.
36:37Not since Oppenheimer has anyone been as scared by their own creation as you are by that.
36:43Okay, Jeremy.
36:44Come on.
36:44What are we doing?
36:45Okay.
36:46Hit it.
36:46Tiny, tiny bit.
36:49No.
36:51It's not too much.
36:52It is too much.
36:53No, stop it.
36:54Stop it.
36:54That's far too much.
36:56Here we go.
36:56Okay, cheese.
37:08What do you think?
37:09Maybe it's not too much.
37:12Yes, it is.
37:14Whoa.
37:17Oh.
37:23This has been building up.
37:25Holy fucking hell.
37:27What?
37:30Oh.
37:36Allergy.
37:36It's a pain there.
37:39Oh, God.
37:48Oh, my ear's just...
37:49It's actually burned my...
37:51Oh, God, my ear.
37:54Oh, my fucking ear.
37:56Oh, ho, ho, ho, yo, yo, yo.
38:00Oh, yo, yo, yo.
38:09It's fucking hot.
38:13Red poor and joys.
38:22having worked out that the chili sauce was survivable and could therefore be served
38:30i went to the kitchen which was now a hive of their night activity
38:40the chefs were prepping sheep's hearts
38:45brains and pig's ears and nick himself was attending to one of the menu's star terms
38:54squirrel yeah the squirrel and how are we cooking it we're going to flour it and deep fry it wild
39:00garlic loads of salt and pepper a little bit of a marinade on it seasoned flour crispy yeah
39:05crispy crispy squirrel i'm guessing people will be finding this particular scene not to their
39:12taste but but this is i mean those are wild free-range animals you are 100 percent better
39:19off to eat this than a battery farm chicken like this had a great life and then somebody as you
39:22can
39:22see who's a great shot get it in the back of the head right yeah headshot i mean that yeah
39:28there's
39:29its penis no those are oh that's its penis i mean it might have massive bollocks but it's i mean
39:34it
39:34got such enormous testes with such an incredibly small pipe classical chef training doesn't cover
39:40the square the full squirrel anatomy to be honest with you so i can't answer you that question i think
39:43that's going to be how that's going to have to be googled i left the chefs to it
39:51and come early evening after the guests had arrived
39:57i talked everyone through the point of the event
40:04good evening everybody good evening and thank you all very much for coming to the first of what
40:09we hope will be many dare food nights at the farmer's dog it's a fun night of course but there's
40:15actually a serious uh bit of thinking behind this because as i'm sure you've noticed if you've been to
40:20a even a supermarket or a butcher shop recently meat is getting expensive 42 quid for a leg of lamb
40:27in my own
40:28butcher shop that's a huge amount of money steak is expensive beef prices are riding incredibly high
40:37right now it's getting to the point where meat is becoming a luxury good which is why we're all here
40:42tonight we're going to be trying animals that you probably have never eaten before or they're going
40:47to be trying cuts of meat that you probably don't ordinarily eat just all i would give you is one
40:53word
40:53of advice is sometimes the texture of what you're eating feels odd because you're used to eating
40:59steak and chicken and pork and lamb and so on but get past that think okay i'm not eating phlegm
41:06it feels
41:07like i am but actually the taste is delicious and once you start doing that i hope you'll go away
41:14and the next time you're in a butcher shop go actually you know what i will have tripe i will
41:19have
41:19this i will have that i will try something and it is a damn sight cheaper thank you for listening
41:25everybody and um let's have some fun i love that caviar up here now louis
41:43crispy fried
41:48lisa and i were hosting on our table david the butcher charlotte caleb charlie and annie
41:58who wasn't looking forward to the evening one little bit are we good to start sending so this in each
42:07tin we have snail caviar with the blinis is that sour cream guys
42:15clem fresh okay right then boys coming through so exciting
42:27so what we have here ladies and gentlemen are your snails with garlic butter
42:32and then snail caviar yeah get close down there get them in and then we can just hold them if
42:37um
42:39can i just say raise our glass to lisa for growing these snails and the caviar
42:43well thank you lisa how do i do how do i eat this sort of
42:52you would have popped them between your teeth
42:54well that is dina that is i'm a big fan the diners gamely tucked into the snails and snail caviar
43:04was that all right
43:06happy with the snail which was a bit of a relief because the next course took things up a gear
43:15it looks like kfc we changed it though it's a cotswold fried squirrel look it's cfs there is a
43:22lisa you look convinced
43:26what part of the squirrel is that
43:30i'm not loving that oh it's like rats it's so bad
43:35the taste though wasn't the biggest problem
43:47i have washed my hands twice
43:50you just feel all i can smell
43:52who like the squirrel one two oh a few people like the squirrel okay
44:00yeah the smell but listen it's the uterus next everybody so
44:08right then next course are we good to start sending you have your pig's ears and your uterus
44:21what the uterus no i'll pick this i'm with you on the pigs here so we've got a lamb's brain
44:29here
44:30stuffed heart oh i love heart the lamb's brain is absolutely delicious it's really good do you
44:37remember when um anthony hopkins ate ray the otter yes yeah and at the end of um hannibal
44:44we ate ray the otter's brains while he was still alive it spreads quite well you're going lamb's brain annie
44:54you are the champion of farm shops you are literally the queen of it
44:59and so far your place is entirely untouched by food is there anything you like have you tried the heart
45:06are you smelt it you're gonna have to eat something annie
45:19but no lamb's brains it's not a big meal that explains everything how thick they are
45:27as annie decided she didn't like brains either
45:31i went off to prep our palate cleansers first though some precautions
45:41pass it down everybody we've got fire extinguishers in case your mouth catches fire
45:46actual fire extinguisher full of milk
45:51guys guys guys please this does matter the one with the cocktail stick in
45:55is the 15 million on the scoville scale the yellowy one is seven million the sort of ready
46:04one in the middle is nine seven million as i say is very very very hot hotter than anything you
46:10will have ever tasted nine way hotter than that 15 a speck the diners took the plunge
46:27and then
46:45are you okay
46:55oh that's pain
47:02as one of the guests deposited his cleansed palate along with quite a lot of squirrel into our flowerbeds
47:11we had a chat on our table about what we'd learned i'm just thinking if there's a one is there
47:18one
47:18thing from tonight we could put on the menu pigs ears the feedback from people's ears the feedback
47:26snails snails are a winner charlie no snails were really popular so we just need more snails no forget
47:34your hand cream let's just eat them well listen it was a fun night and it was good for the
47:39pub
47:40we only killed six people so that's not bad at all
47:47dare night was one of those wonderful carefree moments that had peppered our lives over the last few
47:57weeks
47:58we'd welcomed some new additions
48:04taken our farm into the next century the starship enterprise has just landed at diddly square
48:12and generally reveled in being on the land
48:18look at that size come on
48:22but at the beginning of may it started to become clear
48:29the trouble was brewing so dry start to spring the driest since 1956 and concerns there could be a
48:38drought this summer farmers are reporting their their crops are struggling after march and april
48:42saw only half their usual rainfall let's go to harry metham
48:51first three weeks ago charlie had said we needed some rain in the next three weeks
49:00that time had now passed without so much as a drop
49:08if we go 30 yards this way and the crops were starting to struggle
49:14look you see what the weather's doing you see how that flag leaf is closed flag leaf is this one
49:19yes correct and that's curling round because then the little bit of moisture it's got it protects
49:23it from the wind and the sunshine you can actually see that the leaf is curling round
49:28yep and then the yellow at the top is telling me it's under stress yeah other ones down here like
49:36that one they're shriveled so they've given up i've got this one here so this yeah there we go that's
49:40a brilliant example that's just died so okay that's one plot we put one seed in the ground
49:45yeah and it was going to produce three of these yeah but because it didn't rain that one and that
49:51one
49:52have died yeah do you know harry metcalf harry's farm does a youtube challenge yeah yeah he was saying
50:00because of this we're losing as a country yeah the uk a hundred thousand tons of just wheat not barley
50:08just wheat a day and have been for a month and the other thing about it it's so short i
50:17know
50:17there's gonna be no straw that's true there'll be no bread or straw no nothing for the cattle to sit
50:25on
50:26we do need for it to rain
50:33the days rolled on but the skies remained resolutely cloudless
50:41look a desert out there i came up here the other day i thought we were growing stones
50:47but all that effort we went to in that field and then god went and you're having uh no rain
50:54and with no sign of any coming charlie had called a meeting in the onion and beetroot field which by
51:00now
51:01should have been showing an emerging crop
51:07when did we put them in a month ago that's six and a half weeks ago six and a half
51:12weeks and this is
51:13all we've got so far which is nothing so there is they've now just frazzled
51:22what are we going to do i i think you know particularly in these areas here and we can
51:28band it off i would redrill those bits redrill this what about the onions yeah over the far side so
51:35replant this most of this field yes even though there's even though there's no moisture right
51:43so beetroots and onions disaster up the swanning lost because of the weather
51:56the last year it was too wet this year it's too dry
51:59okay
52:01jesus christ
52:13look there's the dog look the dog's doing it
52:16it's
52:17dad that it is
52:18don't love me
52:19oh my god
52:21hey yeah yeah jesus
52:22this guy has traveled 8 000 miles
52:25what is he a garden warbler
52:27so you were going to do the combining this year
52:30we can't afford spillages god's sake caleb
52:34that's raining it
52:36let's go go go
52:41well things can't get worse
52:44i know uncle bad news
52:56it
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