- 16 hours ago
7 Days - Season 18 - Episode 01: Thursday February 19
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00:22Welcome to a brand spanking new season of seven days.
00:26I'm your brand spanking same host Jeremy Corbett
00:28and joining me are a brand spanks-wearing collection of comics hell-bent
00:32on laughing in the face of most chat-worthy news of the week.
00:36Let's meet them, shall we?
00:37The leader of Team One was the youngest Billy T Award winner ever.
00:40So young, even got invited to Epstein's Island.
00:42It's Rhys Matthews here.
00:45Thank you, Jeremy.
00:46And it was a pleasure to see you there.
00:50We have got a great Team One this evening.
00:52They are the prom king and queen of GloriaVale 2015.
00:55It's Jack Benson, Rhys.
01:01Just to be clear, I was there for the catering.
01:04Over on Team Two, feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme, get on up.
01:08It's Henwood time.
01:09It's Di Henwood.
01:10Thank you very much, James.
01:12Pleasure to be here.
01:14Oh, namaste.
01:15On Team Two tonight,
01:16we've basically got the Thelma and Louise of comedy,
01:19which I suppose makes me the Brad Pitt or whatever.
01:22Whatever.
01:22Give it up for Abby Howells and Justine Smyth.
01:28Our first round for 2026 is Newsmakers.
01:32Why mess with perfection?
01:33This is where our comedians must decipher
01:35which news story or clip I provide is all about.
01:37And Team One, you're up first.
01:39Why is this in the news?
01:41I haven't done it once.
01:42You can f***.
01:43You haven't done it once?
01:44I haven't done it once.
01:46Oh.
01:47This is just a regular flat meeting
01:49about how we all need to empty the dishwasher.
01:52Is this razor trying to reapply for All Black's coats?
01:55Oh, I've done it.
01:56I've never done it.
01:57I've never done it.
01:58Well, based on the fact that he looks like he's curling,
02:01is it sex?
02:06That is the real answer.
02:08The Winter Olympics is heating up, Jeremy,
02:10because the Canadian Cold Lawn Bowls team
02:12have been accused of cheating.
02:14Yeah, well done, Team One.
02:16The Winter Olympics have been rocked
02:18by a string of controversies, actually.
02:20You had Crotchgate in the ski jumping,
02:21Team Canada.
02:22They're accused of cheating in the curling.
02:24And, of course, that Norwegian biathlete
02:26tearfully confessing to cheating on his girlfriend.
02:28Have you seen the biathlete?
02:30I don't know if you see,
02:30that's where they ski and shoot rifles,
02:32which is all good when they do it,
02:33but when I show up to Snow Planet with a handgun,
02:35I'm apparently not an athlete.
02:40So what's Crotchgate?
02:42Crotchgate is...
02:43So in the big ski jump,
02:44where they do the massive ski jump,
02:46they've been wearing looser uniforms or outfits,
02:49which gives them a more aerodynamic profile
02:52and keeps them in the air longer
02:53and gives them a longer jump.
02:54Why is it to do with the crotches?
02:56Because that's where they've got the extra material.
02:58Everyone has extra material there, don't they?
03:00Not me.
03:02Well, actually, the older you get,
03:04the more perfect you are for the long ski jump,
03:06I'm honest.
03:07Yuck!
03:10I hate to bring this back to curling.
03:13Yeah.
03:14I might.
03:16Please do.
03:17But isn't curling itself cheating?
03:20Like, shouldn't they do it when the water's not frozen?
03:22That would be more impressive.
03:25Throwing a stone quick enough,
03:26skipping it across the water.
03:27Gipping a stone and then having to...
03:30I wouldn't do that on TV.
03:32No, I'm talking about the curling, not a penis.
03:37And it annoys me too,
03:38because, you know,
03:38if you know there's going to be an event on the ice that day,
03:41clean it up beforehand.
03:45I always rush drop in the middle of it.
03:47It's like, we see you there, guys.
03:51Genuine question.
03:52If you fall and hurt yourself at the Winter Olympics,
03:54instead of putting you on ice,
03:56do they just leave you there?
03:59I like curling.
04:00Curling's a sport for people who are old enough to enjoy lawn bowls,
04:04but young enough to survive a slip on the ice.
04:06That's right.
04:08It's one of those great sports in the Olympics
04:10you watch and think,
04:12I could still make that team.
04:16I feel like there might be a bit more to it.
04:18It's a bit like saying you could do the luge,
04:20because you could sit in a toboggan going down an icy trail.
04:22Oh, yeah, the luge looks easy.
04:25Have you seen the one where they lie on top of each other?
04:27Yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:28I don't know if you're watching the luge.
04:31Oh, trust me, I am.
04:33How did that conversation start?
04:36Well, like, who's top and bottom?
04:37No, like, to go,
04:39hey, man, like, you haven't dripped,
04:41do you want to lie on top of me
04:42and this hoon down the mountain together?
04:45And we'll put on real tight clothes.
04:48You know, just lie on top of me
04:49and we'll go real fast.
04:51It's like a hydroslide, but really dangerous,
04:54and we'll be in, like, real tight clothes.
04:55And just like that.
04:57Don't worry if it's hard.
04:58I just injected it for air.
05:00That's right.
05:01You know, one of the worst mistakes I made as a young man
05:04was the first time I went snowboarding.
05:07We went up the mountain
05:09and there was a photographer there
05:11from a snowboarding magazine
05:12and I went up and told him
05:14that I was a pro snowboarder.
05:16And he went, sweet ass,
05:18hop on the chairlift
05:20and I'll take you to this jump
05:21and I'll take a photo of you.
05:23And so I went up there
05:25and I could skateboard,
05:26so I knew how to stand on it.
05:27And I just, we're fanging down this hill.
05:30Oh, God.
05:30And he sent me the photo.
05:32I'm completely upside down.
05:34And just before my head smacked into a rock
05:38and then I got airlifted off the mountain.
05:43The photo is amazing.
05:46All right, any more for that?
05:48We'll move on.
05:49Over to you, team two.
05:50Have a look at this clip.
05:52Tell me what it's all about.
05:53That's a wonderful reputation to have.
05:55I'm very pleased to hear that news.
05:56All right, it does,
05:57there's Bill Clinton with a Kiwi accent,
06:00doesn't he?
06:00Wait, has he just...
06:02I know what he's proud of.
06:03He's the guy in the street
06:05that puts the bins out first
06:07so everyone knows what bin date is.
06:08Oh.
06:09I like to call them the binfluencer.
06:13God bless that person.
06:14I know, it's certainly not our house.
06:16Oh, is this about Hamilton
06:19becoming the new Wellington?
06:21Hamilton becoming the new Wellington?
06:23So, what, like, the new Wellington-like culture or capital?
06:27No, capital, aren't they thinking about...
06:29Am I right?
06:30I'm not even the team captain, you say it.
06:31OK.
06:36Hamilton is going to become the new capital
06:40of New Zealand?
06:41What is wrong with you?
06:43Did you hit your head while skiing?
06:46Yeah, you're right.
06:47Off the back of being voted New Zealand's safest city
06:49from natural disasters,
06:51there have been calls to move the politicians there
06:54and make Hamilton the capital of Aotearoa, New Zealand.
06:57Great way to bring down Hamilton's chlamydia numbers, isn't it?
06:59Bring in thousands of New Zealand's least f***able people.
07:05You're a Wellington boy,
07:06so you're probably a little patriotic for the capital staying.
07:09Well, what are you going to do with a beehive
07:10when your MDs turn into a chemist's warehouse?
07:14Not bad.
07:15You'd have the Panadol on one level
07:17and then you'd move up to the stronger drugs
07:20at the top level as your tramadol.
07:21You've got to set up this Madrid up at the top.
07:25I think the problem is,
07:26in government, you want good decision-making,
07:28and I've never made a good decision in Hamilton.
07:31Yeah.
07:33Even the decision to go to Hamilton
07:35was not a good decision.
07:37Do we even need a capital?
07:39I mean, surely we can sort out most of our issue
07:41with, like, a WhatsApp group or something.
07:43I mean, no, they pride themselves
07:45on being the largest inland city, right?
07:47I'm like, is that a brag?
07:49Like, oh, no thanks to the beach and fresh air.
07:53Yeah, but I mean,
07:53Wellington's not really nailing the beach at the moment.
07:573,000 litres of shit.
08:01So Hamilton's the safest city from natural disasters?
08:03Apparently.
08:04And why does it look like that?
08:07Not even the natural disasters want to go there.
08:16If they move the politicians there,
08:18they'll have a bloody field, eh?
08:20Oh.
08:22Oh, God, I hate myself.
08:24I think...
08:26Well, I'm from Dunedin,
08:28so I'll make an advocate for Dunedin being the capital.
08:31I'll say, Dunedin, yeah, it's cold,
08:33but think about this.
08:34We've got the best murders, baby,
08:36the best murders in the country.
08:38Sorry about that.
08:39Still talking about it.
08:39Yeah, not the highest amount of murders,
08:41but the murders we do have are like,
08:43Mamma Mia!
08:45It's now time to turn this fun little game
08:47into a competitive bloodbath by using points.
08:49Team 1,
08:50I'll give you the number of episodes of 7 Days in existence,
08:53445.
08:54You are watching, 446.
08:56That's your score.
08:57Team 2,
08:57you get the number of kākāpō in existence,
09:01237,
09:01after Yasmin had one of her eggs hatch on Valentine's Day.
09:05Although it won't officially be added to the tally
09:07until it fledges.
09:09It does mean that Team 1 gets our first star of the night.
09:12Well done.
09:15What are they playing for, I hear you ask?
09:17I do hear you.
09:18Apart from the glory,
09:19it's a prize plucked right from the headlines.
09:22Say ooh or ah
09:23as you take a look at this week's prize.
09:25There it is.
09:26Our tribute to the signature dish
09:28of the Italian Winter Olympics,
09:30the frozen pizza.
09:33The winning team will take home their own leaning tower
09:36to cook from frozen,
09:37munch through like an ice block,
09:39or hurl through their neighbour's window
09:40like an icy frisbee.
09:42Congratulations.
09:43Time now on 7 Days 4,
09:44yes,
09:45Minister,
09:45where we pick a politician,
09:46fly them to Auckland,
09:47make them stand over there
09:48until I introduce them.
09:49This week we have the newly named leader
09:51of the party formerly known as TOP,
09:53the Opportunity Party.
09:54Give it up for Kyu Lei Wong!
10:00Kyu Lei,
10:01welcome to the show.
10:02Kyu,
10:03if I may be so bold,
10:04your job to answer the questions
10:05from these reporters,
10:07in inverted commas,
10:09without saying yes or no.
10:10You got it?
10:10Okay.
10:11Got it.
10:11Okay, got it.
10:12Take it away.
10:13Kyu,
10:13I worked on Dancing with the Stars
10:16closely with David Seymour.
10:18Do you know any good therapists?
10:22I would love to go on Dancing with the Stars
10:24if you can get me on there.
10:27Kyu Lei,
10:28my friend claims to be a bottom,
10:30can he still vote for you?
10:34We've moved on,
10:35we've moved on.
10:36It's just opportunity.
10:37Kyu,
10:38I read that you lived in London,
10:41worked in fashion,
10:42and then met a man from Palmerston North.
10:45Would you agree that sentence goes from real good to real bad?
10:49And are you putting politics at the end of that as well?
10:52Yeah.
10:54Gareth Morgan came on the show,
10:55but I'm okay now.
10:59He was very anti-cats,
11:01and obviously I'm very much into cats.
11:03I also have a husband breaking the rule,
11:05but I'm just wondering,
11:08Kyu,
11:08are our pussies safe in your hands?
11:12Very safe,
11:13very safe.
11:14Don't flirt with me.
11:19I'm just going to say,
11:20so your nickname is Kyu,
11:21did you shorten it from Kyu Lei
11:23so that Christopher Luxon
11:24will be able to pronounce it?
11:26Yeah,
11:27I thought we needed to mix it up
11:28with all the Chris's,
11:29you know?
11:29Yeah, nice.
11:30Spice it up a little bit.
11:31Speaking of names,
11:32so it went from
11:33the Opportunities Party
11:34to just Opportunity.
11:36Is that because New Zealand's
11:37in such a bad place
11:37you can't promise
11:38more than one opportunity?
11:42We've really got one opportunity
11:43to save everything,
11:45and this election is it.
11:46Yeah.
11:47Yeah,
11:47and on researching you for this,
11:49it was actually really hard
11:50because you don't actually
11:51have a Wikipedia.
11:52Did you know that?
11:53I do know that.
11:54But I've made you one.
11:57I don't know if that's creepy,
11:59but I have to make you...
12:00Have you actually?
12:01Yes.
12:01Because we've been looking
12:02for someone to help us with it.
12:03And I have put in here,
12:06Wong is close personal friends
12:07with New Zealand comedian Jack
12:09and thinks he's a crack-up.
12:10Don't say no.
12:12I think that's going to help us
12:14get over the 5%.
12:15Yay!
12:17Just to answer your question, Jack,
12:19yes, that is majorly creepy.
12:23It needed to be done.
12:24It did need to be done,
12:25and our comms team
12:26will be very happy with you.
12:27Well, it's been deleted
12:29because there's some
12:30false information on there.
12:33I'll do it again.
12:34I'll do it again.
12:34Wikipedia is like,
12:35Jack, answer it's not crack-up.
12:38He's all right.
12:40Well, as a centrist party,
12:41you've kind of got
12:42a coalition on the table
12:43with anyone.
12:44You know,
12:45Hipkins,
12:45Luxon,
12:46Peters,
12:47Seymour,
12:48Swarbrick,
12:48Waititi.
12:49So let's play a quick game
12:50of shoot,
12:51shag,
12:51shag,
12:52shag,
12:52now.
12:54Shag,
12:54shag,
12:54shag?
12:57It's a hard one.
12:58It is a hard one.
13:00And the answer is?
13:02I think we will be
13:03sort of the therapist
13:04helping them all get along.
13:06All of the...
13:07Learning how to,
13:09yeah,
13:09shag each other.
13:10I don't know.
13:12Wow!
13:14You are getting votes
13:15right now.
13:16You are getting votes.
13:17Speaking of hills,
13:18I saw on your Instagram
13:19that in 2017
13:20you went to Machu Picchu.
13:22Sorry,
13:23I'm creepy
13:24and you're stalking.
13:27Yeah.
13:28It's more of a vibe thing,
13:29Jack.
13:31Did you also have
13:32one of the alpacas
13:33steal your sandwich?
13:34You know what?
13:35I didn't actually
13:36do Machu Picchu.
13:37I only went to,
13:38like,
13:38the start of that walk.
13:40So it's a bit
13:40of a false information.
13:42Oh, no,
13:42you're made for politics.
13:43Yeah.
13:46So say it's late at night
13:48and you wake up
13:50and you hear a noise
13:51and there's, like,
13:52a murderer in your house
13:54and he's, like,
13:54running towards you
13:55with a knife
13:56but his fly's undone.
13:57What are you...
13:58What are you going to mention?
14:01I'm not sure
14:02where that question
14:03was going.
14:05Yeah.
14:05Very common reaction.
14:06You thought my question
14:06was weird.
14:08I've been sitting on there
14:10being like,
14:10oh,
14:10she's going to love
14:11the question.
14:14Do you know how calm
14:16you would have to be
14:16to notice that?
14:18I know.
14:20Like,
14:20if you woke up
14:21in the middle of the night
14:22and there was a dude
14:23running at you
14:24with a knife,
14:25I don't reckon
14:26you'd look straight
14:27at his dick.
14:28You're looking at the...
14:29I'm going the knife,
14:31I reckon,
14:31not...
14:32Although you're
14:32at bed level,
14:33so, you know...
14:34Yeah,
14:34oh, that's true.
14:35Do not get sucked
14:36into this conversation.
14:39You are now based
14:41in Mount Albert,
14:41I believe.
14:42Yes.
14:42Have you ever got...
14:43That's a yes.
14:47You've done very well.
14:48Give it up for Kulay Wong.
14:50Thanks very much.
14:51And congratulations,
14:52T2.
14:53Well done.
14:54Right,
14:56time now for the
14:57Burger Fuel Brain Grill,
14:58brought to us by our
14:58brand new sponsor.
14:59Thank you,
15:00Burger Fuel.
15:00This is where we turn back
15:01the pages of time
15:02and test our team's
15:03powers of recollection.
15:04Given those 30 years,
15:06I learnt since
15:07Burger Fuel first
15:07opened their
15:08delicious doors.
15:09We're going to go
15:09back 30 as well
15:10to the magical year
15:11of 1995.
15:13Team one.
15:15You stop me
15:16I don't stop
15:17I don't stop
15:18I don't stop
15:19I don't stop
15:19I don't stop
15:20I don't stop
15:20What was that all about?
15:21It was your
15:22bachelor party,
15:22Gorgie.
15:25And this is the
15:26baggage carousel
15:27after getting off
15:28Epstein's plane.
15:30That was,
15:31as many of you know,
15:32the launch of
15:33Windows 95
15:34with Bill
15:35Bad Boy Gates
15:36leading the moves
15:37just going to show
15:38that in 30 years
15:39white men have
15:40not learnt how to dance.
15:42Don't worry team two
15:43you're going to get a turn
15:44next break
15:45and you at home
15:45will get a chance
15:46later in the show
15:46to win thanks to
15:47the bloody legends
15:48at Burger Fuel.
15:49I'm very tired
15:49need a break
15:50stick around though
15:51because we've got
15:51slice of seven
15:52when we return
15:53on seven days.
16:03Ah, you came back!
16:05Great to see your
16:06what I imagine
16:07are incredibly
16:07beautiful faces.
16:08Time now for
16:09Slice of Seven
16:10where real life
16:10musicians take
16:11their real life
16:12songs and ruin
16:13them by changing
16:14them to be about
16:15a news story.
16:15This week we are
16:16joined in the studio
16:17by one of our
16:18favourites, a band
16:18that's been crushing
16:19it on American
16:20talk shows.
16:21Now they're on
16:21my talk show
16:22back home just
16:23to come on seven
16:23days.
16:24Give it up for
16:24the Beths!
16:30Team one we'll
16:31begin with you.
16:32Are you ready to
16:32decipher the Beths
16:34song and tell me
16:34what they're singing
16:35about?
16:35I'm so pumped.
16:36Beths in your own
16:37time.
16:37Take it away.
16:45I found money
16:47in my wall cavity
16:49200,000 in notes
16:52Wanted to give it
16:55to charity
16:56JK I want a brand
16:59new boat
17:00My cash is stashed
17:02guarded by lads
17:04Kept so warm
17:05by pink bats
17:07And the cops
17:08they want it
17:12Dread shit and
17:14Dread shit and
17:16my roof is richer
17:17than I am
17:19Damn shit and
17:21jeez
17:22If you find cash
17:24don't tell the police
17:26Cause I can't buy
17:27books
17:27I can't shop
17:28I can't buy wine
17:30The cash was earned
17:32due to crime
17:33So next time
17:35I'll keep my lips
17:38sealed
17:39I can't buy wine
17:46So good
17:47Wow
17:48Wee
17:49Wow wee
17:49Indeed
17:50what do you reckon
17:51There was talk of money
17:53talk of walls
17:54roof
17:54se moonlight
17:55Yes, money in the roof.
17:58You take it away, Rhys.
18:01Money in the roof, Jeremy.
18:03I'll need more.
18:05I think it was a Christchurch couple
18:07found some money in their roof when they moved in.
18:10Oh, OK, yeah.
18:11We'll go with...
18:12My official answer is what Brinley said.
18:15Good words to live by, Rhys.
18:18Yes, a Christchurch couple is embroiled in a legal fight
18:20to keep the $200,000 in cash they found in their ceiling.
18:24Police claim the couple don't get to keep the money
18:26because it may have been earned through crime.
18:28And to underline that, the police have consistently said
18:31that money isn't yours to spend
18:32just because it happens to be in your house.
18:35Are you listening to this, honey?
18:37So...
18:38Oh, mate!
18:42Oh, I'm the bad guy.
18:49Yeah, so found $200,000, but the police are saying
18:51proceeds of crime, can't have it.
18:52Christchurch couple?
18:54I think Jack and Brinley should be allowed to keep it.
18:57So it was in their, like, roof as insulation?
19:00Yes.
19:01Like, I wish my house had insulation.
19:05All I found in my ceiling was some really old candy floss.
19:11It's not candy floss.
19:12It's not candy floss.
19:14And it tasted fine, but there's a devil on the other end.
19:18Oregon!
19:21I mean, yeah, the people that own the money,
19:23they must be in prison.
19:24And they say Seven Days has actually watched quite a lot in prison.
19:28So those people, I'd just like to say,
19:30ha, shame?
19:33No, no, no.
19:34Yeah, you do realise that some people get out of prison, Jack.
19:38Yeah, you did, David Bain.
19:39Like, no, I thought you...
19:41No, no, no, no, no.
19:46Yeah, I did, and what, and what?
19:49Do you know if they were, like, vacuum-packed into little...
19:52I don't.
19:53Yeah, I'd like to know.
19:54Little piles, like you see on television?
19:55It's a definite giveaway of the proceeds of crime, isn't it?
19:58The vacuum-packing.
19:59Is it?
20:00Mm, oh, yeah.
20:00I've got a couple of winter jerseys under my bed
20:03that aren't a crime scene.
20:05They're a fashion crime scene.
20:07You'd be surprised.
20:14All right, team two, we're coming to you now.
20:17Beths, are you ready for a song?
20:18OK.
20:18Tell me what story the Beths are singing about.
20:21All yours.
20:26I thought I would go out flying
20:31But the planes have all been grounded
20:34Cause the cabin crews are crying
20:38They're because all the ships are wet
20:41They are sick of all the sick bags
20:45And they're heading to the exit
20:48But at least this major airstrike
20:52Won't involve that in the first
20:55Cause they're pain
20:57Cause they're pain
20:59So low, low
21:00So low, low
21:02That's a big
21:04That's a big
21:05Flying, no, no
21:07No, no, no
21:08I guess I'll take
21:10Guess I'll take
21:12A new boat
21:14A new boat
21:15All the way
21:18To Rotorua
21:21Rotorua
21:22Please don't show
21:25The safety video
21:28To them again
21:38I was sort of transfixed by the music
21:41And I wasn't really listening
21:43I heard
21:44I heard sick bags
21:45Sick bags
21:46Which is my stripper name
21:47And I also
21:51Ladies and gentlemen
21:52Please
21:53Welcome
21:53Welcome to the podium
21:55Sick bags
22:02I hurt my neck
22:03I hurt my neck
22:07And on
22:07Don't watch the safety
22:08Please don't play the safety video
22:10So it's about flight attendants
22:12Right?
22:12I think
22:12And they've been in the news
22:14Yeah, oh
22:15Cause they're striking
22:16They are striking
22:17Oh Jeremy
22:18Flight attendants
22:20Are striking
22:22So I don't know
22:23Where you're going to
22:24Put your dollar bills
22:25And demand
22:26Oh my god
22:28Serve your more cassava chips
22:32Not true
22:34Good luck to anyone
22:35Taking a flight this month
22:36Flight attendants
22:36Across the nation
22:37Are striking
22:38On three separate occasions
22:39Throughout February
22:40Cabin staff want more money
22:42As well as better work conditions
22:43In fact
22:44The harsh working conditions
22:45Have caused many cabin crew
22:46To walk off the job
22:47And immediately plummet
22:48To their deaths
22:52Do you reckon
22:52When they walked off the job
22:53Lights illuminated
22:54To show them the way out
22:55Or
22:57It was a tough job though
22:58I can see it as a tough job
23:00Apparently on one
23:00International flight
23:02They deserve over 300 drinks
23:04Right?
23:04And that was just
23:05A Winston Peters
23:06Yeah
23:08Well it'll be good
23:09To finally vape
23:10On the plane
23:11Without any
23:11F***ing narcs
23:15Are you right?
23:19Did you see Jetstar's
23:20Response to this
23:21They were
23:21Hmm we should get
23:22Flight attendants
23:26In New Zealand
23:27They had actually
23:28Allocated money
23:28To pay the
23:29Attendants more
23:30But one of the
23:31Staff members
23:31Left it in the
23:32Ceiling of the house
23:32They were selling in
23:33Christchurch
23:34Well they've been
23:35In negotiations
23:35For nine months
23:36So they got told
23:37That the pay rise
23:38Was due
23:39And then they were
23:40Told it was delayed
23:41And then they told
23:41It was diverted
23:42To Palmerston North
23:46So they got
23:47Did you know
23:48Pilots are one
23:48Of the few professions
23:49Where you wear
23:50Short sleeves
23:51And a tie
23:51What about banking?
23:54Another one?
23:55Casa
23:56Another one?
23:58There's a few
23:59Actually
24:00Insurance broker
24:01Oh no
24:02You're thinking
24:03Of a Mormon
24:04Insurance broker
24:06Well they did
24:07Get a pay offer
24:08From Air New Zealand
24:09And apparently
24:10The flight attendants
24:11Said that it was
24:11Rubbish
24:12Any rubbish?
24:14Any rubbish?
24:16I hope the flight attendants
24:18Get more money
24:18The Beths
24:19They're back in the country
24:20To a nationwide tour
24:21This March
24:22Head to thebeths.com
24:23For all the ticket info
24:24And please listen
24:25To the real version
24:25The excellent new album
24:26Straight Line was a lie
24:27One more time
24:28For the Beths
24:35We go to the points now
24:36Team 1
24:37You've earned a thousand
24:38That's the new amount
24:38Of space launches
24:39Rocket launches
24:40Allowed in New Zealand
24:41The initial cap of 100
24:42Set nine years ago
24:43Is set to be reached
24:44So you're allowed more
24:44Good stuff
24:45Team 2
24:46You can have the amount
24:46Social media star
24:47Logan pulled a Pokemon card
24:49For $27.3 million
24:51What?
24:52He bought it
24:53Five years ago
24:54For $8.7 million
24:56$23.4 million
24:57Beat space
24:58Team 2
24:59You get a star
24:59Congratulations
25:01Oh wasn't that
25:02Carousel?
25:04I don't know
25:04You know what
25:05You know what time it is
25:07We're coming up to a break
25:08So thanks to Burger Fuel
25:09We've got another
25:09Burger Fuel brain grill
25:10For you
25:11This is Team 2
25:11This time
25:12What's going on
25:13In this story
25:13It is from 1995
25:19Good evening
25:19Well it was just a walk
25:20In the park
25:21Except the park
25:22Blew up
25:25Oh
25:25This is when
25:26You're a bit pissed
25:27And you're trying to explain
25:28To your partner
25:29Why you're home late
25:31Just just walking
25:32To the park
25:32In the park
25:33Blew up
25:37That's of course
25:38The wonderful John Hawksby
25:39The eruption of
25:40Mount Ruapehu
25:41That shook the North Island
25:42Back on September 23rd
25:441995
25:44Who could forget
25:45I couldn't
25:45I was up there
25:46With my mates
25:47We were getting rid of
25:47Some dynamite
25:48Into the crater
25:48Oh boy
25:50Remember your chance
25:51To win
25:51Thanks to Burger Fuel
25:52Is coming up later
25:53In the show
25:53Break time now
25:54Come back with your togs on
25:56When we return
25:56We're off to the beach
25:57It's Club Topakana
25:58See you soon
26:10It's raining
26:11And it's windy
26:11Must be summer
26:12What better time
26:13To head to the beach
26:14For Club Topakana
26:14Play the steel drums
26:26This year
26:27We've ditched Dole
26:28And replaced them
26:28With a better pineapple partner
26:30Psyche
26:31We'd never leave you Dole
26:33You're the pinnacle of pineapples
26:34We're in a lifelong
26:35Committed relationship
26:36Now inside
26:36The spiky fruity orb
26:38Recollection of my favourite
26:39Stories from the week
26:40Ones that wet my whistle
26:41And had me thirsty
26:42For more
26:43So let's dive in
26:44Shall we
26:45Here we go
26:46Ah yes
26:47The Winter Olympics
26:48Is on right now
26:48As mentioned
26:49But they're so far away
26:51Geographically
26:51What if they were closer
26:53What if they were in New Zealand
26:54I'd like to see some scenes
26:56From a Kiwi Olympics
26:57Please
27:00What you're supposed to have
27:01A swimming heap
27:01No
27:02Every Tuesday
27:03We have half the pool
27:04Booked out for Aquarobics
27:11And they're picking up speed
27:13Oh crashing right into
27:14The Michael Hill jeweler
27:15They've taken the gold
27:17They've taken the silver
27:18They've taken everything
27:24All right
27:24No snow for the bobsled this year
27:27So we've improvised
27:27And you're just going to be riding
27:28This chilli bin lid down
27:29Man Eden
27:36And to beat the Australian
27:39He is going to need
27:40An 8.2 metre splash
27:42On this manu
27:46And taking gold
27:47It is the Avondale bomb squad
27:57I'll be here for the high jump
28:07Time now for the hot sand sprint
28:09From the water
28:10To the car park
28:11With one gender leech
28:12And go
28:17And the triathletes are coming out of the water now
28:20They are scanning the QR codes on the line scooters
28:23And they are off
28:32That's 24
28:3325
28:3526 folks
28:36We've reached a new level of car
28:38Stuck behind a juicy camper
28:43Oh my god
28:44Look at that incredible fireworks display
28:47Over Eden Park
28:48To mark the opening ceremony
28:49Of the Olympic Games
28:50Oh and what's that
28:51Oh the crowd are leaving
28:52To beat the traffic
29:00And as we see the marathon runners
29:03Rounding the final bend
29:04The New Zealand crowd erupts
29:06Into calling them try-hards
29:11I hope you're taking note
29:12New Zealand Olympic Committee
29:13Think there's some good ideas in there
29:15We move to our next story
29:16Over our break
29:18There were lots of oddball things
29:20Happening over in the USA
29:21Especially at the President's place
29:22The White House
29:23The White House
29:24It's got me wondering
29:24What goes on behind the scenes there
29:26Let's take us inside team
29:28I'd like to hear some examples
29:29Of things overheard
29:31In the White House
29:36Okay so one more time
29:38President Trump
29:38When the gun goes off
29:40You go
29:45Hi I'm Keith
29:46I just moved in next door
29:47As a condition of my parole
29:49I have to inform you
29:50That I'm a registered sex offender
29:51Oh same
30:01Few
30:02Make
30:03Great green card
30:05Look angry
30:07Make movie
30:17Oh God here we go
30:21Hey, Grock, how to run country?
30:26That was my Trump impression.
30:28I thought you were doing Putin.
30:34Hang on a second.
30:36I just got a great text from my very good friend Jeremy Corbyn.
30:40He's the funniest man.
30:44I met him on a beautiful island.
30:50It feels like we were there, doesn't it?
30:51All right, let's have a look at our next story.
30:54Oh, Valentine's Day. Yes, it was this week.
30:56Sorry for bringing it up again for all those low-grade boyfriends
30:59out there who forgot.
31:01Like me.
31:02I am bad, but I'm sure they were worse.
31:04Give me some examples of the worst Valentine's Day, please.
31:10Oh, this is so lovely, babe.
31:12State night at the zoo and getting to meet my spirit animal.
31:15That's so great, thank you.
31:17Why have we stopped by this big wrinkly old elephant?
31:27Hi, I'm Jack Ansett.
31:30That's me.
31:33Good to know no one in the crowd knows my name, Mum.
31:42Hey, baby, I thought for this Valentine's Day we could do a little bit of roleplay.
31:46Yeah?
31:47Okay, cool.
31:48All right, I rolled a nat 20.
31:50A goblin appears from behind the room.
32:01Oh, God, I'm still Mrs. Corbett.
32:10Girl, are you Auckland City?
32:11Because I reckon it's another year before I can give you a light rail.
32:19All right, enough romance, let's move on.
32:23Yes, it is our first day back at work today and we're all struggling a bit to remember
32:26how we make this show.
32:27I thought I'd throw that on the beach and ask the comedians to show me some examples
32:31of forgetting how to do your job.
32:35Hey, settle down, settle down.
32:36No one's here to judge you.
32:38Now, has the jury reached a verdict?
32:46I bless you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy...
32:52Holy...
32:53Holy shit, no.
32:56Oh, no.
33:00Hey...
33:04Hey, man, have a good one.
33:12You guys want any change?
33:20Kate, we're going to get this plane landed safely.
33:25I love this song.
33:39Oh, you know, that's definitely safe to use, Mr. Baldwin.
33:43Oh, God.
33:45Yeah!
33:50Okay, so I'm stuck behind a wall.
33:53I can't find the door.
33:55I eventually find the door.
33:57Oh, sorry.
34:04I certainly hope you remember how to do your job and enjoy 2026.
34:09Far too many floaters washing up on the beach right now.
34:11Time to traipse all the sand into our cars and head home to the desk.
34:14Play the steel drums. Great top of garner.
34:25Ah, great game of Club Topicana.
34:29For points, skidding a bit of somber, I'm going to salute the celebrity departed.
34:32Team 1, you can have the age of Robert Duvall, star of Apocalypse Now and The Godfather,
34:36when he passed away on Monday, 95.
34:38And Team 2, you get the age of Dawson's Creek star, James Van Der Beek,
34:41when he passed away last week, 48.
34:43Which means that Team 1 gets a shiny star for their star chart.
34:49Time for a break now, but glue yourselves to your seats,
34:52because after the break, we're playing a brand new game called Jeremy's Special Game.
34:56You do not want to miss it.
34:58See you soon for seven days.
35:05My, my, picky, my, welcome back one and all to seven days.
35:08Time now for a new segment very excited about this.
35:11It's called Jeremy's Special Game,
35:12where I, Jeremy, present a new game I've come up with,
35:16which is why I think it's special, of course.
35:18This week, we are playing Come On, Feel The News,
35:20or Come On, Feel The News, for Slade fans.
35:24Here, teams must slide their grubby little hands into my rigid box
35:27and have a thorough feel of its innards.
35:29Insider objects hinting toward a news story.
35:31Team 1, you are the first guinea pigs.
35:34Put your hands in the box.
35:36Have a seat.
35:36OK.
35:37That's good, yeah.
35:38Put your hands in the box.
35:41So, have a bit of a feel around.
35:43Ooh.
35:44I can put my hand in a box.
35:45Oh, I'm scared.
35:45Oh, no.
35:46Oh, oh, oh.
35:48Oh, no, it's his hand, but it's still quite scary.
35:51Um, I just felt a virgin.
35:54What?
36:02Correct.
36:03It's not part of the story, Rhys.
36:04Not part of the story.
36:05I'll help you out there.
36:06What are you getting there, Brinley?
36:07An egg with a toothpick in it.
36:09I haven't touched anything.
36:11It's grass.
36:11It's grass.
36:12That's an egg cup.
36:13Egg cup and grass.
36:14Grass.
36:14Pull it out the hole.
36:15What's that?
36:15Is that something?
36:16Is that a jersey or a jumper?
36:19Jersey.
36:20Grass.
36:21Rugby.
36:22Rugby.
36:22Jersey.
36:23Grass.
36:24A leg.
36:24An egg cup.
36:25What's the egg?
36:26I found a leg.
36:27Is it egg and spoon racing?
36:29Egg and spoon racing.
36:30Why would it be that?
36:31It's crowning.
36:32Sorry.
36:34Oh, oh, oh.
36:36This is like the guy running towards you with the knife.
36:40Well, I think I know.
36:41I think I know.
36:41It says the umbrella and the egg cup is Christopher Luxon's baldest f*** head and this is the
36:48umbrella man.
36:50What?
36:50The umbrella at the rugby.
36:52I don't know what the rugby thing is but it's at the rugby and Christopher Luxon put
36:56the umbrella stop over the man with the fluffy.
37:00There's a cat.
37:01Here.
37:02Yeah.
37:02A cat.
37:03You're right about everything except the story.
37:08Australia.
37:10Correct.
37:10That's a big part of it.
37:11Can we go on each other's hold?
37:12Put it this way.
37:12Di's getting very excited about the story.
37:14Yeah, it's obviously none of you are religious.
37:16You're literally Jesus' cloak's in there, man.
37:20Oh, okay.
37:20So it's the Warriors.
37:22Oh, no, it's not.
37:24It's not my second Jesus.
37:28You need to go back more towards the Australian thing.
37:30Sorry.
37:31Down the egg.
37:31That was in the egg cup.
37:32Christopher Luxon was at a rugby game in Australia.
37:35It was the All Blacks who were playing and he held an umbrella over a man.
37:41Oh, God.
37:42And that man turned out to be Jeffrey Epstein.
37:47That would be a news story, as you can hear from Di's groans.
37:51You are wrong.
37:51Prime Minister Christopher Luxon gallantly held an umbrella over NRL Commissioner Dr. Gary
37:57Weiss as he announced Eden Park will host its first ever state of origin match.
38:02New Zealand government reportedly paid $5 million for the privilege for that event.
38:07When asked where the money came from, Prime Minister said, it's amazing what you can afford
38:10when you feed school kids cat food.
38:12So.
38:14All right.
38:15Well, Jeremy, special game.
38:16Already a bit of a success.
38:17I have quietly repositioned the mystery box to Team 2.
38:22It is your turn now, Team 2.
38:23If you'd like to put your hands in there and tell me what story I have made with my objet.
38:29No mucking around.
38:30This is like uni.
38:32Oh, right!
38:33Oh, gee.
38:34Hey, she's...
38:35OK, there's something...
38:36Oh, sorry.
38:36Is this bread?
38:37Yeah, you're holding something.
38:39No, that's a baguette.
38:40Oh, I hate it.
38:40Hey, that's it.
38:41It's a wet baguette.
38:43That's...
38:45Day-old baguette made by...
38:46I'm just wet.
38:47I just got wet.
38:48A West Auckland baker, I reckon.
38:50What's this?
38:51What else you got in there?
38:53What's this?
38:54Oh, what's that?
38:54Oh, we can't tell you.
38:55Oh, die, take this off me.
38:56What is it?
38:57Well, baguette, water...
38:58Oh, gee, what is it?
38:59What is it?
39:00This feels like a soapy shiv.
39:02Might be something that goes underwater.
39:04Do you know what this feels like?
39:05There's two of them.
39:06Oh, this feels like...
39:07Hold on, I'm twiddling the ends on this one.
39:09Me too.
39:09You know what I feel like?
39:10Oh, this is a boat.
39:11Yeah, it's a boat.
39:12Oh, well done.
39:13It's a boat.
39:14A French boat.
39:15Oh, yes.
39:16French baguette, water, boat.
39:18Crashed them together, guys.
39:20Crashed them together.
39:20What a boat.
39:21And this is a three-week-old systema?
39:27Not relevant.
39:28Not that relevant to the story.
39:31Is it America's Cup or something?
39:33Is your boat crash in France?
39:35Yeah, there's the America's Cup.
39:36There's another clue in there, I think.
39:38There's more stuff that you haven't dealt yet.
39:39Towards the back of the boat, towards your side of the boat.
39:42I'm just getting their fingers in wet.
39:43There we go.
39:44Here, die, hold it.
39:45What's that?
39:46That's you.
39:47That's me, that's my head.
39:50Not relevant to the story.
39:51Oh, it's not crap paper, no, it's tinfoil.
39:54Who's familiar with it?
39:55A foil?
39:55Is that like a yacht foil?
39:57Yeah, I've interned at Black Power before.
39:59This is a tinny.
40:04A foil is a thing on a boat, aren't you?
40:05Yeah, the foils on the boat.
40:07You know, get up on the foils, mate.
40:09What are you doing?
40:10No, because they do the, get up on the foils, mate.
40:12OK, I'm getting really, I mean, when I'm saying.
40:14You've got all the pieces, put it together.
40:16Boat, mate, foil.
40:17A foil, America's Cup, maybe.
40:19Yeah, French, um, rainbow warrior.
40:21Did that happen recently?
40:24What you're doing at the moment is called doing an anset.
40:27La fonce.
40:28Remember, they don't know my name.
40:32Doing a jack.
40:34OK.
40:35Hey, Jack, when did you get here?
40:36Yes.
40:40Good to see you, bro.
40:44OK.
40:47Give me a story, Di.
40:48The next America's Cup is being held in France.
40:51Oh, my God.
40:53Incorrect.
40:54I'll give you the real answer.
40:55Drama on the high seas, as you all know.
40:57The New Zealand black foils, the name of the boat,
40:59were forced out of the Auckland Sail GP
41:00after a high-speed collision with the French boat.
41:03Black foils have had to switch to their backup option,
41:06which is Lisa Carrington in a canoe.
41:09All right.
41:10Team one.
41:11For points, team one,
41:12you can get the height.
41:13Supreme Halberg Award winner Hamish Kirk
41:15can jump 2.36 metres.
41:17Pretty high.
41:18Team two, you can have the height
41:20of two Dye Hemwards on top of each other.
41:223.3 metres.
41:23Hamish couldn't jump.
41:25Team two wins and gets a star.
41:27Well done.
41:31Great game of Feel the News.
41:34For the first and last time,
41:35you've seen that fantastic game.
41:37Guess the insides of my box.
41:39I've got a few other special games
41:41I'd like to introduce you to this season.
41:42In 2026, I can't wait.
41:44But it's time now for you at home
41:46to get your brains into gear
41:47for your turn at the Burger Fuel Brain Grill.
41:50What is going on in this image?
41:52It is from 1995, 30 years ago,
41:55when Burger Fuel first started.
41:57All right, hit us up on Instagram or Facebook
41:59with your crack-up answer.
42:00You could be taking home dinner
42:01thanks to Burger Fuel.
42:03All right, break time now.
42:04When we come back,
42:05we are going to crown one of these teams
42:06the inaugural winner for 2026
42:08with Beat the Ding.
42:10See you soon.
42:17Oh, welcome back.
42:21For those of you who have just joined us,
42:23where the hell have you been?
42:24We're about to play our last game.
42:25You missed the bloody Jeremy special.
42:27Like, guess what's in my box?
42:29Oh, it doesn't matter.
42:29I'm going to play Beat the Ding now,
42:31where I put these comedians to the test.
42:32I make them list answers
42:34before I go to town on my dinger.
42:36Every successful dingy
42:38earns their team a potentially game-winning star.
42:41All right, let's get dinging.
42:43Here we go.
42:43Former American President Barack Obama
42:46said aliens exist on a podcast this week.
42:49I agree.
42:50About time.
42:50Abby, you've got 13 seconds
42:52to name five American presidents
42:54in an alien voice.
42:57Andrew Jackson,
42:59George Washington,
43:01people,
43:03I've got Fitzgerald,
43:06and also Obama and Ronald Reagan.
43:14That'll do.
43:15That'll do it.
43:16Yeah, well done.
43:16A star for you.
43:17Well done, Abby.
43:19Some Milo bars have been recalled
43:21after concerns the product
43:23may contain pieces of rubber.
43:24Not good.
43:25Rhys, 10 seconds to tell me,
43:27in order,
43:27the definitive ranking
43:28of the top five chocolate bars
43:30in the world.
43:31Go.
43:31Ooh, okay.
43:32Number one with a bullet,
43:34Snickers.
43:35Number two,
43:36I'm going to go Luxury Flake.
43:38Number three,
43:40Whittaker's Peanut Slab.
43:41Number four,
43:44Anything Caramello.
43:46And number five,
43:47Kit Kat F*** Nestle.
43:49Well done.
43:50Five of them.
43:50Star for Rhys.
43:51Give them a round of applause.
43:52Rhys.
43:54All right.
43:54These guys are making it look easy.
43:55It is not easy.
43:57It is, however,
43:58Chinese New Year,
43:59the start of the year
43:59of the horse, Dai.
44:00You have nine seconds
44:01to make up five horse names
44:04whilst commentating
44:05a horse race.
44:06You're coming around the corner
44:07and you've got Rumpel Foreskin
44:08and you've got Hoppaw
44:11on the back
44:11with the two ladies gone fat
44:13and you've got the
44:14round the corner
44:15with the
44:15Fum Fum Bam Bam
44:16and you've got
44:18Shaniqua,
44:18Tinsel
44:19and Badang Dang.
44:20Badang Dang
44:21coming on your back.
44:25Shaniqua, Tinsel
44:26and Badang Dang.
44:31Shaniqua, Tinsel
44:32and Badang Dang.
44:33That's so good.
44:34That's the trifecta
44:35I believe for the Melbourne Cup.
44:36That's so good.
44:37Well done.
44:38Well done,
44:38Dai Star.
44:40The Flamethrower
44:41and the Ring Burner
44:42back on the menu at Burger.
44:43If you'll watch out
44:44for the Battle of the Burn,
44:44it's coming soon.
44:45Brinley,
44:46give you 14 seconds,
44:47that's a lot,
44:47to name five spicy things
44:49whilst your mouth is burning.
44:51Go.
44:52Chili!
44:54Jalapenos!
44:55Fire!
44:56The pits of hell!
44:58And an STI!
45:05The pits of hell
45:06and an STI.
45:08All right,
45:09the star for you.
45:10Well done, Brinley.
45:10It is kakapo mating season.
45:12Jazzy,
45:1312 seconds
45:13to give me three
45:14pick-up lines
45:15for kakapo.
45:17Call the kakapo-lease
45:19because I'm too hot.
45:21I'm small and fat
45:22and green,
45:22love me.
45:23I'll rip your
45:24f***ing windscreen wipers
45:25off when you'll love it.
45:33And that is why
45:34they're not good at breeding,
45:35I think.
45:36Yeah, it's great.
45:37Okay, we're going to give you that.
45:38Well done,
45:38the star for Jazzy.
45:39A new trend has emerged this week,
45:42dark showering.
45:43It is, as it sounds,
45:44showering in the dark.
45:45Apparently it helps you
45:46to get to sleep.
45:47Jack,
45:4715 seconds
45:48to shut your eyes
45:49and take us through
45:50your shower routine,
45:51please.
45:52Go.
45:53That is personal information.
45:55I start with the balls.
45:59I lather my whole body
46:01in the wash
46:02and I use
46:03a Lynx-branded
46:05one called
46:06Xbox Live Your Game.
46:08I get in all the nooks
46:10and crannies
46:10and then I just stand there
46:11and drip
46:12because I apparently
46:13get too much water
46:14on the shower, Matt,
46:15so I just sort of...
46:19That's good.
46:19You're getting yourself
46:20a star.
46:20Well done.
46:24All right,
46:24that is us.
46:25All the sick to do
46:25is award our winner.
46:27Let's have a look
46:27at the star chart.
46:28Boy, oh boy,
46:28taking home the relic,
46:29that leaning tower of pizza.
46:31Hopefully you're not announcing
46:31they've been cheating
46:32on their partner
46:33at the same time.
46:33Team Toe!
46:34Well done.
46:39Well done to you
46:40for watching
46:41and now please join me
46:42in thanking
46:42Rhys, Jack, Brinley,
46:44Di, Abby and Jazzy.
46:46We'll see you in seven days
46:47on Seven Days.
46:47Good night.
47:01Thanks New Zealand On Air
47:02especially for funding
47:03my new segment,
47:04Jeremy's Special Game.
47:05Time for me to head home
47:06and play Jeremy's
47:08other special game.
47:09Oh.
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