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Please, Daddy
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00:01It was the summer I turned 18. I tried to seduce my godfather for the first time, and he pressed
00:06his gun under my chin.
00:07I wore a white slip dress so thin, it might as well have been water, straddling the lap of Sicily's
00:11most ruthless godfather, pressing his own Beretta 92F against my jaw.
00:16You are crossing the line, Lola.
00:18Deep eyes that hid whirlpools beneath still surfaces to the mole there, the one he'd seen when he bathed me
00:23ten years ago.
00:24I leaned forward, my lips grazed the gun barrel, tasting oil and leather and something darker, then kill me.
00:30My legs tightened around his waist, through his towel I felt him harden, felt the war in his body between
00:35protector and predator.
00:37Or claim me.
00:39Your choice, Uncle Asher.
00:43The ocean crashed against the cliffs outside, same sound as that night ten years ago.
00:48I still remember everything.
00:49The gunshots at home through cicada songs, the blood hitting pinaki is warm, so warm it steamed.
00:56The rough hands dragging me from a pile of corpses, fitting headphones over my ears, playing something loud and ancient.
01:02Count to one hundred, then I'll be back.
01:11I counted to thirty-seven.
01:13He kissed my forehead, his lips burning, his hands shaking.
01:16Thirty-nine.
01:26I counted to sixty-eight.
01:27More gunshots.
01:40I counted to one hundred.
01:41He returned covered in blood, lifted me into his arms, carried me to the car.
01:45Since then, I have never celebrated another birthday, and never looked forward to summer.
01:49Except for him flying back to this seaside villa every July to spend this damn anniversary with me.
01:54Ten years.
01:54Ten summers.
01:55Then times he handed me gifts, said happy summer vacation.
01:58Little princess.
01:59Then vanished into his study like I was something to be locked away.
02:02But this year I was eighteen, legally adult, and physically, I looked down at my dress.
02:06The fabric clung like a second skin.
02:08Nipples visible.
02:09Hip bones sharp.
02:10I knew I was ready.
02:15The shower stopped.
02:16Also stopped my heart.
02:17The doorknob turned.
02:18I pushed the door open.
02:19Steam poured out.
02:20And there he was.
02:21Thirty.
02:22When he saved me.
02:23Forty now.
02:23Time had carved him.
02:24Fine lines at the corners of his eyes.
02:26A sharper jaw.
02:27With those eyes.
02:28Mediterranean depths.
02:29The surface might be calm.
02:31However.
02:31The undercurrents could drag you in and drown you underneath.
02:33His towel sat low.
02:34Water tracked from his collarbone.
02:36Down his chest.
02:37Over the ridges of his abs.
02:38Disappearing into.
02:39Lola.
02:40He pinned me in place with my name.
02:42What are you doing in my room?
02:45This year I prepared a special gift.
02:47I untied my robe.
02:49Silk slid off my shoulders with a whisper.
02:51The slip dress left nothing hidden.
02:53His gaze moved over me like touch shoulders to waist to thighs.
02:56I watched his throat work.
02:57Watched his hand tighten on the towel.
03:00I stepped closer.
03:02I'm eighteen.
03:03Not a little girl anymore.
03:12Close enough to smell him.
03:14Mint soap over tobacco and leather.
03:16The scent of him that haunted my dreams.
03:18I caught his wrist.
03:19Guided him toward the bed.
03:20Felt the tension in his muscles.
03:22Like a leopard deciding whether to snap his prey's neck.
03:25I fell back onto the mattress looking up at him.
03:29I know who you are.
03:31The godfather.
03:32My father's best friend.
03:33The man who raised me.
03:35But remember that summer night?
03:36That summer night you saved me?
03:38It's not just my life.
03:40You didn't just save my life.
03:42You stole my soul.
03:44It's been yours ever since.
03:46His eyes went dark.
03:47Dangerous.
03:48Then his hand moved.
03:49Not to caress me.
03:50To the pillow beneath my head.
03:51Then the gun barrel pressed under my chin.
03:53I didn't close my eyes.
03:54I stuck out my tongue.
03:56Licked the metal.
03:56His breath hitched.
03:57His finger whitened on the trigger.
03:59That cross tattoo swam in my vision.
04:01The one I'd seen a thousand times over these ten years.
04:03The one on the hand that held the pen when I handed him the document.
04:06On the hand that supported my waist when I was taught to swim.
04:09On the hand that fed me medicine when I had a fever last summer.
04:11Now this hand trembled.
04:14I don't care.
04:16Next summer I'll come again.
04:18The summer after.
04:19Every summer.
04:20I wrapped my lips around the cold steel.
04:23Blame me.
04:24Or kill me.
04:26Staring into his eyes.
04:28Silence crushed us outside.
04:29Waves beat the cliffs like a heartbeat.
04:31Just like they had ten years ago.
04:32He threw the gun.
04:33The Beretta hit the carpet with a dull thud.
04:35His towel fell.
04:54In one violent motion, he snatched the bedsheet.
04:57Wrapped it around me.
04:58Rough.
04:58Angry.
04:59Tucking the edges against my shoulders.
05:00Like he was trying to sew me inside.
05:02Stay that again.
05:03And you'll learn what happens when you provoke me.
05:10The door slammed in the dark.
05:11I found the door.
05:11I sat on the bed.
05:12Cheek clutched to my chin.
05:14Counting my heartbeats.
05:15One hundred seven.
05:16One hundred eight.
05:16One hundred nine.
05:18I won't give up Uncle Asher.
05:20Next summer I'll be here.
05:21Every year.
05:22Until you say yes.
05:24I shouted into the darkness, laughing to tears.
05:26Footsteps paused at the stairs end.
05:28One second.
05:29Two.
05:29Then faded away.
05:30Moonlight spilled through the window.
05:32Landing on the nightstand.
05:33I curled around the battered teddy bear he'd given me ten years ago.
05:36Nose chewed bald by me.
05:38Ear sewn back three times.
05:39I buried my face in familiar fur.
05:41Couldn't smell lavender.
05:42Couldn't smell blood.
05:43Only smelled myself.
05:44Exactly like ten years ago.
05:48Three years later I gift wrapped myself and waited two hours.
05:51Red ribbon.
05:52Clear chelophane.
05:53I wore a red bikini and sheer cover up.
05:55Curled behind the living room sofa like a present waiting to be unwrapped.
05:58Provence's July heat to bake the air through the French windows.
06:01Sweat slicking my back against the wrapping pepper.
06:03Heartbeat 21.
06:04Heartbeat 22.
06:05The lock turned.
06:07Footsteps.
06:08Two sets.
06:08Heels clicking like bullets.
06:10Chambering against marble.
06:13Engagement ceremony in August.
06:15What about your little girl?
06:17She had you every summer.
06:19Time she learned independence, no?
06:21Uncle Asha!
06:22When I burst out of the box, his lips were pressed against her neck.
06:26Black dress.
06:27Pearl earrings.
06:28Typical Italian socialite 35 ripped from the pages of Vogue.
06:31Her gaze scraped over my bikini.
06:32Lips curving in a knowing, venomous smile.
06:35Her nails circled his chest.
06:37Lola.
06:38Yes?
06:39She extended her hand.
06:40Maxime Capone.
06:42Your Uncle Asha's fiancé.
06:50Fiancé, the word detonated in my skull.
06:53I looked at Asher.
06:54Stiff, embarrassed.
06:55Something broken in his eyes like a caged beast caught in its own trap.
06:59When the fuck did you get a fiancé nobody told me about?
07:02Go change, now!
07:05Oh, relax, darling.
07:08No mother to raise her, poor thing.
07:11No wonder she doesn't know how to dress like a decent woman.
07:14But don't worry, dear.
07:15Once Asher and I marry, I'll teach you some manners.
07:19Don't you fucking touch this, you bitch!
07:22Crack.
07:22My face snapped sideways.
07:24Fire bloomed across my cheek.
07:25Asher's hand hung in the air.
07:27Shock in his eyes.
07:28Regret.
07:28The cross tattoo burning like it had against my jaw three years ago.
07:31Lola, I-
07:32I shoved him hard, ran towards the stairs.
07:34Knee cracked against the banister.
07:36Numb with pain, but I didn't stop.
07:38Poor little thing.
07:39Pity she'll never learn her place.
07:46I slammed my door, slid down the wood, spine hitting cold grain.
07:50My cheek burned, not from the slap.
07:51From my eyes, tears flooded, wiped away by my wrist.
07:54Tasting salt.
07:55Outside, the lavender fields turned deep purple in twilight, like clotting blood.
07:58Like that night.
08:00I counted breaths until the knock came.
08:02Maxine entered with a perfect smile.
08:03Carrying a glass.
08:05Condensation beaded the surface.
08:06Black dress.
08:07Low neckline.
08:08A mole below her collarbone.
08:09Almost exactly where mine sat.
08:11Your uncle Ash so sorry.
08:12He squeezed this lemonade himself and asked me to bring in it.
08:15Lemonade.
08:16Pale yellow.
08:17Pulp floating.
08:17Poison in the light.
08:18I was deathly allergic to citrus.
08:20He knew it well since he saved me 10 years ago.
08:22No lemons.
08:23Oranges.
08:24Grapefruit in this villa.
08:25Ever since I came here.
08:27Last summer I ate one bite of lemon tart by accident.
08:29He drove me to the hospital at 2am.
08:31Holding my hand through three epinephrine shots.
08:33He forgot.
08:34Or, I took the glass.
08:35Drank it dry under her gaze.
08:37Acid burned my throat.
08:38In the mirror, I saw my own expression.
08:40I knew what she'd done.
08:41And I knew.
08:42I knew he would save me.
08:43I always knew.
08:50Finished?
08:51Good girl.
08:52Now go help prepare dinner.
08:54Asher wants to see us getting along.
08:56I set down the glass.
08:57Fingers already tingling.
08:58Snow filled the edges of my vision.
09:00Old television static.
09:0315 minutes later, I sliced cake in the kitchen.
09:06Maxine and the maids blocked me from the living room.
09:09Pretending busyness.
09:10Their laughter needling my eardrums.
09:11I heard Asher's voice low.
09:13Impatient.
09:14Asking Maxine about the terrace view.
09:16The moon's beautiful time.
09:18Perfect for discussing wedding details.
09:20Wedding, the knife slipped.
09:21Sliced my finger.
09:22Vision blurred.
09:23I heard Asher crash through the crowd.
09:26Let me see.
09:27Nothing.
09:27Just a small cut.
09:28He brought my finger to his lips and began to suck on it slowly.
09:31Still hurt?
09:33I wanted to say no.
09:35But the allergic reaction hit full force.
09:38Lola!
09:38Lola!
09:39The world tilted.
09:40Last conscious thought.
09:41Him rolling me onto my side.
09:43Tearing my jeans waist.
09:44Slamming the epinephrine pen into my hip.
09:50Pills water.
09:51His fingers forced me to swallow.
09:52Tasting of blood and mint.
09:54Exactly like three years ago.
09:58Breathe with me.
09:59Tingling fingers.
10:00Heart hammering like it would explode.
10:01I moved and felt the nightstand.
10:03The battered teddy bear with its nose chewed bald and ear sewn three times.
10:06He sent it to me ten years ago and said,
10:09He will protect you.
10:09Just like I will.
10:10The door opened.
10:11Asher entered with water.
10:12Black shirt sleeves rolled to elbows.
10:14Cross tattoo exposed.
10:15Forty.
10:16Fine lines mapping his face and lamplight.
10:18Every man he'd killed.
10:19Every life he'd saved.
10:20And me.
10:21Awake.
10:22Maxine left.
10:23The maids are gone.
10:24He handed me the cup.
10:25I took it.
10:26Didn't drink.
10:27Gone?
10:28Fired.
10:29They almost killed you.
10:31And Maxine?
10:32Your fiancé?
10:34His jaw tightened like when he threw the gun.
10:40The man.
10:40Business arrangement.
10:41The man.
10:41Capone family needs myceria ports.
10:43I need someone to manage my affairs.
10:46Manage affairs?
10:47She just tried to kill me.
10:48With lemonade.
10:49I know.
10:50You know?
10:50I know what she is.
10:51I also know you drank it.
10:53Knew I'd save you.
10:54You always know.
10:55Silence crushed us.
10:56Waves outside like that night.
10:58I set the cup down slow.
10:59Deliberate.
11:00Let one camozol strap slide off my shoulder.
11:02His gaze stuck.
11:03Magnetized.
11:04Then forced away.
11:05You knew three years ago too.
11:06Knew I'd lick that gun.
11:08Knew I'd come every summer.
11:09Knew I'd-
11:09Lola.
11:10Warning.
11:10But he didn't move.
11:11You know everything.
11:13I leaned close.
11:14Close enough to smell mint over tobacco and leather.
11:18So did you know I've thought of you every day for three years?
11:22His breath caught.
11:23Know I rejected every man in college because they didn't have your crow's teeth?
11:27Know I sleep with that teddy bear every night pretending it's you?
11:29I caught his wrist, guided it to my hip.
11:31I'm not a little girl anymore, Uncle Asher.
11:34I'm 21.
11:35My body changed.
11:40His restraint vibrated like a plucked string under my touch.
11:43I straddled his lap, felt him hard through dress pants.
11:47Lola, we can't.
11:49Feel that?
11:50That's me.
11:51All of me.
11:52Not your little princess anymore.
11:53My hand found his shirt buttons.
11:55Trembling.
11:56He caught my wrist.
11:57Grip crushing but didn't push me away.
11:59Let me be your woman.
12:00Just tonight.
12:01Just now.
12:02Tomorrow you can pretend nothing happened.
12:03Marry Maxine.
12:04Have your arrangement.
12:05But tonight, his phone rang.
12:07Maxine's name.
12:08He said it face down on the nightstand.
12:12Eat something.
12:13Rest.
12:14Rest.
12:14I need to see my fiance.
12:16She needs me.
12:17But you've never left me on summer vacation night.
12:19This year, the maids are gone.
12:21I'm alone.
12:22You're 21.
12:23An adult, right?
12:24One night, endure it.
12:25The door closed.
12:26I heard my heart beat.
12:28I lay down.
12:28Buried my face in the teddy bear outside.
12:31Provence lavender turned silver in moonlight.
12:33A frozen sea.
12:34Sleepless.
12:36Dawn breaking.
12:37I decided to make him jealous.
12:42Mia and Daniel friends from college dragged me to a beach club's back rooms.
12:47Want to drive an old man crazy?
12:48Make him watch.
12:50White bodysuit.
12:51Bridal veil.
12:52They pushed me on stage where dozens of drunk men howled.
12:55Angel.
12:57Money rained like confetti.
12:59I stood in spotlight, shaking, thinking what Asher was doing.
13:02Dinner with Maxine.
13:03Whispering promises.
13:04Or bang.
13:05Gunfire tore the music.
13:06Everyone turned.
13:08Asher stood in the doorway.
13:09Black trench coat.
13:10Pistol smoking.
13:11The chandelier above him sparked.
13:13Glass raining down.
13:14He looked at no one.
13:15Only me.
13:16Eyes burning through me like they wanted to incinerate me alive.
13:18He strode to the stage.
13:20Tore a stack of cash from his pocket.
13:22Slapped it across the manager's face.
13:23Take this stripper to VIP.
13:25Now.
13:26Private show.
13:27The room froze.
13:28I followed him down the hall into the red room.
13:30A lock clicked.
13:32You like dancing for men in places like this?
13:35He sat on the sofa.
13:36Legs spread.
13:37Cigar smoldering.
13:38Then dance for me.
13:40Strip.
13:40Give me your full show.
13:45Insulting me.
13:46Claiming me.
13:46I walked to him.
13:47Draped the bridal veil over our heads.
13:49White fabric enclosed us.
13:51Faces inches apart.
13:56You taught me.
13:58Don't tell me you forgot.
14:00His pupils blew wide.
14:01Outside.
14:02Daniel's voice.
14:03Lola.
14:04Next bar.
14:05I pulled back.
14:07Smiled.
14:07Oops.
14:08That's my boyfriend.
14:09Gotta go.
14:09He shot up.
14:10Threw me over his shoulder.
14:11Kicked open the door.
14:13Stormed through the crowd.
14:14Daniel stood at the entrance.
14:15Face painted.
14:16Crop top showing skin.
14:17Asher stopped.
14:19Sneered.
14:19This is your boyfriend?
14:21Jesus fucking.
14:22He threw me in the car.
14:24Silence crushed us until I exploded.
14:30Engine rolled.
14:32Why did you do that?
14:34You humiliated me in front of my friends.
14:36I'm protecting my child from trouble.
14:38I'm not a child.
14:41He slammed the brakes.
14:42Tires screamed at the cliff's edge.
14:46Then he turned.
14:47Eyes holding something I'd never seen.
14:48Vulnerability.
14:50Hunger.
14:52Sorry.
14:53I know I shouldn't keep treating you like a kid.
14:56If you want me to see you as an adult.
15:01First step?
15:02Learn to drive.
15:03Not that strip club bullshit.
15:06I climbed over the console.
15:07Saturday in his lap.
15:10His hands covered mine on the wheel.
15:12This is what adults do.
15:13Feel it.
15:14The car swayed on the coastal highway for three hours.
15:17Not out of control.
15:18Deliberate.
15:18Every turn.
15:19His chest pressed my back.
15:20Every shift.
15:21His hand accidentally slid up my thigh.
15:23Watch the road focus.
15:25I counted his heartbeat through my spine.
15:27Faster than mine.
15:28You're distracting me.
15:29This is dangerous.
15:30I'm teaching you.
15:31Feel the engine.
15:33Feel the speed.
15:34Deliberate.
15:35This is what adults do.
15:46we stopped at a viewpoint city light spread below like scattered jewels
15:51i turned to find him smiling real smile crow's feet white teeth
15:56you look good smiling i mean you rarely smile you rarely make me this
16:06uncontrolled the word hung between us forbidden invitation then he ruffled
16:10my hair like i was 12. he drove me three days later they crucified me in lecture hall
16:19my presentation slides were placed with photo strip club champagne room
16:25asher's hand on my leg his mouth on my ear
16:30the classroom erupted in laughter and screams
16:32bestitial howling advanced stripper studies lola is this your project
16:41i ran for the door they blocked me me and daniel kylie others
16:50they dragged me to the lab
16:58industrial glue pressing me to the wall like a specimen
17:07admit it you're an incestuous whore say it loud or you stay here overnight with the corpses
17:14white sheet pale hand underneath glue burned my skin he screamed they laughed phone lenses hunting
17:20my face like ritual and the door exploded
17:25mother exploded wood speakers like that night piano room door sharp making bullets
17:31asher stood in the frame black trench coat pistol smoking
17:37his gaze swept the room found me pale shaking glued to the wall like captured prey
17:42he tore the fabric from my body lifted me in his arms
17:46you like this
17:49let's see how you like being stuck he coated her mouth lips to chin like a mask her eyes widened
17:55muffled
17:55screams call police call lawyers call your rich daddy i don't care
18:06i wept in his arms face buried in his shoulder tobacco and leather exactly like 10 years ago
18:13i knew you'd come you always come he kissed my forehead like that night but longer
18:22what i didn't know maxine's plot started at the hospital shelly my only real friend pregnant needed
18:27company i held her ultrasound in the hospital when masked men dragged me to the first thought at
18:32least shelley's not here
18:37they slammed me on a cold green fists to my ribs trying to shake organs loose
18:45which bitch is pregnant tell us or we kick this belly until it miscarries
18:52in the corner shelley screams muffled by tape i looked at her at her belly then i made a decision
19:02me i'm pregnant the biggest lie of my life the truest sacrifice if they thought it was me they
19:07wouldn't touch shelley if they thought the child was mine they'd keep me alive at least until
19:11confirmation asher burst in as i coughed blood asher's face shock then something complex breaking
19:20that look from the piano room 10 years ago but something shattered i'll raise your baby lola
19:29but you've been with the wrong men there are consequences
19:34that's what you think of me some cheap slut sleeping around
19:42he carried me to emergency
19:50save her she's losing the baby
19:55the doctor looked at him confused what baby she's not pregnant
20:04put me down
20:08it was shelley
20:11she's pregnant
20:13i was just keeping you from faith he misunderstood thought i'd been with some man the unseen non-existent
20:20man and lost his child and a new doctor entered my chart paused looking at asher notifying him to
20:25leave when it was just the doctor and me miss bruno we ran some tests there's something you should know
20:32stomach cancer late stage you have three months
20:45i didn't tell asher instead i pushed him away let him believe i was with joe his nephew just returned
20:50from italy we kissed in front of him
20:59walked in gardens
21:02watched stars from terraces
21:05i moaned with joe in the bathroom
21:11listening to asher's footsteps shattering outside
21:16imagining his face that thing suppressed for 10 years finally cracking then breaking
21:21i told the mirror tears and smile mixing happy summer vacation
21:27this is the last gift i can give you maxine's engagement party august capone estate on the amalfi
21:33coast cliff top white palace lit like a sunken cruise ship i attended as family
21:38maxine's chosen dress her delivered invitation her designed humiliation she waited in the dressing room
21:45holding a white wedding gown not bridesmaids but her gown grown from milan her name on the label
21:52i saw her honey knife smile i knew the trap try this i want my future daughter's opinion
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