- 7 hours ago
7 Days NZ - Season 18 Episode 13 - Thursday May 14
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00:25I'm Jeremy Corbett, welcome to the show where each week we do the unthinkable.
00:28We get six comedians to pay attention to the news, and yet somehow, by the end of it, none of
00:33them are any smarter.
00:34It's a medical marvel. This is seven days. Let's meet the team, shall we?
00:37And yes, if you look closely, you will see the leader of Team One is just both of the top
00:41twins in a trench coat.
00:42Please welcome, by the stage, your name, Melanie Bracewell.
00:47Welcome back now.
00:48Oh, it's so good to be back. The new set, it's half TV show, half gender reveal.
00:53I'm so excited to be here.
00:55We've got an amazing team. I've got Roscoe McClelland and Justine Smith.
01:01Great staff, and leading team two is the love child of Joan Alamu and Sideshow Bob.
01:05It's Josh Thompson.
01:08Thank you very much.
01:09You're welcome.
01:10Yes, we've got a very exciting team for you. Can't make sure to introduce them.
01:12It's what Elon Musk does on a boys' weekend, poaching with a chopper.
01:16It's both he poaching and chopper, eh?
01:17Yes.
01:21We kicked things off tonight with a little game I like to call Newsmakers, because that's its name.
01:25In this game, I will give you an answer related to a news story from the week.
01:28Your job is to give me the matching question and then figure out the story from there.
01:31And Team One, you can start.
01:33Your answer is...
01:35..worried and anxious.
01:37Is it how I feel about booking plane tickets home via Dubai just because it was cheap?
01:44How did Corbett feel when he control-F'd his own name in the Epstein file?
01:53There are lots of Corbett's out there.
01:55It could have been anyone.
01:56Fair enough, yeah.
01:57It could have been anyone.
01:58Is it what has replaced happy in the popular children's song?
02:02If you're worried and you're anxious, clap your hands.
02:05Yes, I am.
02:06Is it how I feel about nodding and politely smiling at all the local references in this show that I
02:13will not understand?
02:17Any idea what the story might be?
02:19Well, the biggest story has got to be that new maybe COVID thingy.
02:23Oh!
02:24There's a cruise ship that's riddled with some sort of virus,
02:29and they're calling it the most virus-riddled cruise ship since the cruise ship before this one.
02:36Yeah, I'll give you that.
02:37What has an outbreak of Hunter virus got people worried and anxious?
02:41It's on the cruise ship.
02:42It's got them worried and anxious.
02:43It could be the next COVID-19, of course.
02:45There is one Kiwi on board the ship, and they are expected to be the last one evacuated.
02:50The Kiwi was actually going to be the first off the cruise ship,
02:53but they got stuck holding the door open for everyone else.
02:57You start and then everyone's just...
02:58And that Kiwi's so angry, he's only going to give the cruise ship a four-and-a-half-star rating.
03:03They're still yelling, thank you, driver!
03:07Hantavirus doesn't sound like a good time, but it also sounds a lot better than Santavirus,
03:12which is where you get a giant swollen red sack.
03:22And you only come once a year.
03:29There was a similar virus at my high school where she affected quite a lot of sort of paler,
03:34sort of red-haired kids.
03:35It was the Fanta virus.
03:37Shut up, mate.
03:40Come on.
03:42You're not really a red-haired, you're a red-beard, but not a red-haired.
03:45Are you talking to...
03:51My sister and all my cousins on my dad's side are all very ginger-haired,
03:55and I thought, I've got away with this one.
03:58And then when puberty hit, I went, they got me in a technicality.
04:05Well, here's the thing, you know, like, I don't know how lockdown went here,
04:08but for me, it was the best time of my life, so I would...
04:12I'll go through it again, you know?
04:14Me and my wife, we levelled up our lives during the original lockdown.
04:17We moved from this, like, mouldy, horrible flat into a quite nice house, you know?
04:21I mean, sadly, Covid took my gran, but we got the house, so...
04:28Yeah, the World Health Organisation is saying this is not going to be a Covid-19 situation,
04:33not a pandemic, and I think a few people are disappointed, aren't they?
04:35Yeah. We enjoyed a bit of me time.
04:38And the crowds totally agree with you, Nick.
04:42I mean, wasn't it great when we all had a pool and we...
04:46You know, Covid lockdowns, getting piggybacks around the house from your butler, that...
04:51LAUGHTER
04:53Human chess with the staff, oh!
04:57Only one of those jokes is true.
05:00And I appreciate the job.
05:03LAUGHTER
05:06I was saying, it's crazy, everyone's like, oh, what are we going to do with this boat full of sick
05:10people?
05:11Sink it!
05:12LAUGHTER
05:15Team Two, are you ready for an answer?
05:18Yes.
05:18I've got one prepared for you, here we go.
05:20100 young men in balaclavas.
05:22Who lives with me under Corby's house?
05:25LAUGHTER
05:26What's a very unhelpful police line-up?
05:29LAUGHTER
05:31That's all right. Tom, any idea? The story?
05:34Any police?
05:35It's a tough one.
05:36Yeah, I do like to keep across young men in balaclava news, but I...
05:43There was a...
05:44I spend a lot of time in West Auckland getting things from my house.
05:51Sorry, should we have picked a team captain that conformed sentence?
05:54LAUGHTER
05:56Not necessary.
05:57Yeah, there was a...
05:58Something happened...
05:59A thing happened in West Auckland.
06:01LAUGHTER
06:02Something happened in the news with 100 young men in balaclavas.
06:06That's why we're here.
06:07Yes, I know.
06:08I'm trying to tell them what we're trying to do now.
06:10You're never going to get it.
06:11No, no, no, no, no, no!
06:12I don't!
06:12I don't!
06:13No, there's like...
06:15Dudes like to ride around on bikes wearing balaclavas.
06:20Close enough.
06:21Yep.
06:22The question is, who caused a ruckus in West Auckland
06:25when they went for a bike ride?
06:26100 young men in balaclavas.
06:28Quite intimidating.
06:28It was organised on Facebook.
06:30It attracted police attention.
06:31It led to 53 infringement notices,
06:34one arrest and the impounding of one vehicle.
06:37Good one, you police.
06:38Yeah, because saying impounded a vehicle
06:40sounds better than I put the bike in the boot of the cop car.
06:44Actually, talking about children and bicycle safety
06:48is a bit raw for me at the moment
06:50because I hit a cyclist with my car the other day.
06:55I mean, I had to go through two fences
06:57and a daycare centre to get him,
06:58but I got him.
07:02I got him.
07:02That's what I love about an EV.
07:04Silent.
07:05Whoa!
07:12I heard one guy got arrested.
07:14Like, they arrested one of them.
07:15Can you imagine that guy being in jail
07:17and they're like,
07:18what are you in for?
07:19Are you in a gang?
07:20Well, it's more of a WhatsApp group, you know?
07:24I would just like to say,
07:25as a visitor to this country,
07:27from Glasgow, Scotland,
07:29a city synonymous for using our head as a weapon,
07:35religious football violence.
07:37We are the knife crime capital of the world.
07:40We are the European drug death capital.
07:42It's great to come here and find out that your big problem is...
07:46..boys on bikes.
07:50I mean, I've got to say,
07:51at least these dudes are all just riding around in shorts and a T-shirt,
07:55unlike those douchebags in lycra who are all like,
07:58oh, look at me, I'm dressed for the Olympics.
08:00No, you look like a potato and glad rat.
08:04And then they take over cafes on the weekend,
08:06they're all like, oh, look at me, I'm cycling.
08:08You're like, bloody hell, trying to eat my breakfast,
08:10I'm looking at some guy's dick through half a million of the family.
08:13Alright, that's Newsmakers.
08:15For points, Team 1, you can have 7,000.
08:16That's the number of spots on the Milford Track
08:18that sold out in 30 minutes this week when bookings opened.
08:21For New Zealand, it's a great walk.
08:23Team 2, you can have two.
08:24Goals scored by Wellington Phoenix Women
08:26against the Brisbane Raw last weekend
08:27to reach their first ever eight-league grand final.
08:30Congrats to them.
08:31Congrats to our first star winner, Team 1.
08:37As you may well know, at the end of the episode,
08:39the team with the most stars will walk away with a prize
08:41that is both worthless and priceless.
08:44And here it is, yes.
08:45That is the very first Hantavirus vaccine.
08:48Straight from the laboratory I set up in my garage.
08:50It's made of COVID vaccine, public pool water
08:54and free microchips.
08:55Wow.
08:55The winning team will get a dose each,
08:57and if you're scared of needles, don't worry.
08:59I've developed an alternative delivery method
09:02that I will apply to you at the end of the show
09:06for the winning team.
09:07Might be the first time on seven days
09:09both teams are trying to lose.
09:11Let's move on.
09:12It's time for a fan favourite.
09:13It's Slice of Seven,
09:14where some of the best musicians New Zealand has ever produced
09:16ruin their songs with lyrics we've made up for them.
09:19Joining us tonight, he's dominated the singles charts,
09:21nominated for five Aotearoa Music Awards.
09:24Please give it up for Te Wehi.
09:30Team One, are you ready for Te Wehi to sing you a new song?
09:33Yes, please.
09:34All right, in your own time.
09:38Spaghetti grandma
09:40Roaming round the streets
09:44With their pockets full of knocking
09:51Making meatballs
09:54Digging up the weed
09:58Chipping teeth on biscotti
10:03Now, everyone is going
10:06Fettuccine
10:07Now, Domeo, she makes her own
10:11Lemon chattel instead of dry martinis
10:14Living longer than the garden norm
10:17You're known as growth strong
10:23Mmm, her skin's parmesan
10:31Hey, little Jansie
10:33You will not die
10:36If you live like your grandma
10:42Hey!
10:44Hey!
10:48Okay.
10:49I heard something about a nonna.
10:51There's been that thing about living well and doing it.
10:55Have you heard that?
10:56No, I haven't been living well at all.
10:58Okay.
10:59I reckon it's this thing where people want to live well
11:03Because we're all stressing out and we're all feeling like shit
11:05And old Italian grandmas have got it nailed
11:08So it's about living like they do or something?
11:11Yeah, well done, Jansie
11:11It's the latest lifestyle craze
11:13Sweeping the globe
11:14Non-amaxing
11:15Where people live like an Italian grandmother
11:17Hoping it'll give them a longer and happier life
11:19Key parts of non-amaxing
11:21Are growing and cooking your own vegetables
11:23Taking life at a slower pace
11:25And keeping quiet about your role in Mussolini's Italy
11:27So
11:29That's non-amaxing if you want to give it a go
11:31Good for you
11:33I mean, if this is about drinking a lot of wine
11:36Eating pasta and taking a lot of naps
11:38F***, we've been doing that for years
11:41We call it jazzy-maxing
11:43That's right
11:43When I first heard about this
11:45I thought it was about avoiding large format cinemas
11:48But then I found out that was non-imaxing
11:50I do think that Italy gets such an easy time
11:56With their historical crimes due to how good their cuisine is
12:00I really do
12:01And it just makes me wonder
12:02How good of a sausage would Germany have to make
12:05For us to make
12:06I actually, um
12:09I don't mind non-amaxing
12:11But I love babushka-maxing
12:13Oh
12:13Oh, wow
12:14Which is
12:14To do that you need a series of Russian grandmas
12:17In decreasing order of size
12:20And then you need some butter and a shoehorn
12:27All right, so we're here and Simmy
12:28Are you going to play another song?
12:29Are you ready, team two?
12:30Yes
12:30Okay, all yours
12:31Take it away
12:36The snapper that he preferred
12:42Was shaken and not stirred
12:45Oh, he's bombed
12:48Whoa, James Bond
12:55Super flash celebrity
13:01Visits Mama Nui
13:04Big shot
13:08Whoa, in the chip shop
13:14It's golden pie
13:23Like golden fries
13:34Wow
13:35So good
13:37So awesome
13:39Beautiful stuff, fellas
13:41I'm still quite hungry
13:42From both your songs
13:45I've heard a lot of chip shop stuff
13:46I've heard James Bond
13:48Yeah
13:49I actually am across
13:50Fish and Chip News
13:51I read the
13:52I read the paper it comes on
13:54Oh, you read the Fish and Chip's first
13:55That's right
13:55That's right
13:56That's right
13:56Yes
13:57And Pierce Brosnan is in New Zealand
13:58James Bond is the Talk of Northland
14:00Act of Pierce Brosnan
14:01Is in New Zealand
14:02Filming the second Minecraft movie
14:03His exploits have been documented
14:05Well across social media
14:06Brosnan was papped
14:08At a knife making workshop
14:09And while collecting an order
14:11From the Manganui Fish and Chip shop
14:12It could be watching
14:13You know
14:14Yes, it could be watching
14:15And if you are watching
14:17Mr. Bond
14:17We'd love to have you on the show
14:19I'm something of an alcoholic womanizer myself
14:24Do you think the staff noticed him?
14:26Or do you think he was trying to get noticed?
14:28Order number seven
14:30Don't you mean 007?
14:33Oh, no, just seven
14:34The zeros are redundant
14:38It would take longer for me to get you your order
14:41Also, here's your milkshake
14:42It's not called a milk stir
14:44So we can't do it the way you wanted
14:48Imagine if he was like that
14:49Doing the whole bond the whole time
14:51Oh, man
14:52If I was Pierce Brosnan in a fish and chip shop
14:54Yep
14:54I'd be flashing that smile
14:56Giving a few extra potato fritters
14:57And then it's for free
14:58I hate to fully unpack the logic
15:01Logic of your previous joke
15:03But you said that
15:04You can't give it a milk stir
15:07We have to give it to a different way
15:09But that would imply that James Bond
15:11Says I'd like it stirred
15:13Not shaken
15:14No
15:20I'm sorry to embarrass you, Mo
15:21I don't want to embarrass you in front of the entire nation
15:24But what I actually said
15:25Although a little bit garbled
15:26Was that here's your milkshake stir
15:29I can't give it the way you want
15:30Shake it stir
15:30Oh, no, you mess it up twice
15:32Oh, do I?
15:33Yeah, yeah
15:33No, no, no, no, no, no, no
15:35Tom, can I tell you
15:36No, no, no, no, no, no
15:38I missed exactly
15:39No, no, no, no, no, no, no
15:39OK, wait, wait, wait
15:42No, no, I said
15:43I said
15:43here's your milkshakes sir we can't give it to you the way you ordered it's not called a milk
16:00is exactly what he wanted
16:07okay delete it delete it don't show pierce this
16:11i think at this point remember not to cry over stirred milk
16:22very good uh for scores team one you can have 28 that is the year since westlife formed and
16:27they're celebrating with a tour of new zealand next july uh good on your westlife team two uh you can
16:31have the age of pierce brosnan famous fish and chip shop knife maker two 72. team two gets a star
16:39well
16:43in and a huge thank you to our slice of seven artist a debut album i'm home came out this
16:47month uh
16:48number two in the charts i believe well done congratulations uh nationwide tour is coming
16:52in june tickets available from live nation give it up one more time for tewee
17:02all righty team one focus time now for the burger fuel brain grill we turn back the hands of time
17:08this week we're going back two decades on the dot to 2006. uh team one i'm going to show you
17:13a video
17:13you have to tell me what is going on here it is
17:26oh my god
17:29is it uh that that woman was left stirred not shaken
17:37very good that was of course rodney hyde dropping his dance partner crystal on dancing with the stars
17:42and amazing to think that's not even close to the worst thing a leader of the act party has done
17:46on dancing with the stars time for a break now go wrap a towel around yourself though
17:52get changed in the car because we'll be back shortly with club topicana on seven days
18:10and now we're going to head to the beach like those whales like to do when they have those beach
18:14parties
18:14it's club topicana play the steel drums
18:26club topicana is brought to you by dull pineapples pineapples without them pineapple lumps would just be
18:31called lumps inside this juicy hedgehog lies a collection of news stories that will fire up your
18:37taste buds and your imaginations all right comedians let's see what we have in here first story police
18:42are concerned that over half of their workforce is over the age of 50 and heading for retirement
18:48i say don't be a quitter stay on and serve i'd like to see scenes please from the geriatric police
18:55all right put your hands up you're under arrest for i forgot what you're under arrest for
19:02you seem like a nice young man why are your hands up
19:15okay you know the drill just blow into the bag please oh that's my colostomy bag sorry
19:27okay we're just gonna run your plates oh could you actually help me it's locked me out of my um
19:39yeah and you go there that's your cell let me get your handcuffs
19:46it's gonna work no hang on hang on but don't help me carol it makes me mad
19:59you've been convicted of the crime of not listening to my stories
20:05your punishment is now i'm going to list everything that's more expensive than it was when i was
20:15yes you were doing 110 kilometers there yeah you were coming down the hell or the wrong way that's
20:20why that's why i'd usually come down state highway three yeah you go back around the kymize you don't
20:25have to worry about coming down glendon gully we actually put glendon gully there back in 1973 yeah we
20:29used to collect rose hips on the hill there you could give old man ham honk a bag of rose
20:35hips
20:35and he'd give you a threepence on a cube of sugar
20:42dad we should we should probably get going dad ah yeah sorry who are these guys
20:48so sorry all right next story oh uh okay yeah dua lipa is suing samsung for 15 million dollars
20:57after they used her picture on the side of their boxes for their tvs without her permission
21:03i don't know why she would sell tvs but there you go get ready to add
21:06hashtag paid partnership show me some other unlikely celebrity endorsements please
21:13do you have dry cracked skin i'm sean diddy coombs
21:24and now after 100 years on this beautiful blue planet of ours i can say with some credentials
21:31that the most beautiful animal on earth is the satisfier magic bunny
21:41sure is
21:45hello i'm susie kato i'll help your family say see you later at kato's affordable cremations
21:57hey i know we didn't nail it with the last subway guy but i got a good feeling about this
22:02one
22:02introducing prince andrew
22:08you know it's interesting they're saying it's been famous since ages ago but i've never heard of it you
22:13know i've never heard of this drink lemon and perroa perroa you know people call me a perroa a bit
22:18of a
22:19social perroa but i think i'm gonna like it lovely fruit lovely country might live there someday soon
22:33hello there i'm pierce brosnan and uh you could own my new fantastic milk stirrer
22:47you don't shake it because there's no lid on it you're just embarrassing yourselves guys
22:52all right back to the pineapple we go oh yes the government have announced plans to update the new
23:01zealand citizenship test from next year uh not that hard tbh you have to get 15 out of 20 they're
23:07multi-choice and you get six attempts look if you fail that even i don't want you here uh but
23:13it
23:13could happen uh give us some new zealand citizenship test fails please oh my god you got an a plus
23:21unfortunately that makes you a bit of a try hard so you're sorry you have to pull you up on
23:28the
23:28national anthem you're supposed to mumble the first part and then go all right next question who is the
23:40deputy prime minister you don't know correct none of us did
23:47that's fine no no i think i've got it now uh it's is it to tara minor evie minor evie
24:02oh yeah um you're meant to blow on the pie not give the pie a blow job
24:09look i'm sorry it's ticking a lot of boxes for me but i'm not in charge
24:17yes please all rise for the national anthem
24:32all right well done everyone but much like a didn't lifeguard we're ringing the shark bell
24:37and closing the beach sit on down play the steel drums
24:51great round of topicana team one you can have two million that's the amount you'll need to buy
24:55havana bar in wellington the iconic bar is up for sale favorite haunt of the lord of the rings stars
25:00and team two you can have 161 000 that's the record amount paid for tangihau the angus bull
25:06at last year's autumn bull sales worth every cent apparently this year's auctions are underway as we
25:11all know no word yet if the record has been beaten but team two has been beaten by team one
25:15who've earned themselves a bright shiny star
25:21all right so time for you to turn your brains back to 2006 team two for a damn good grilling
25:26in the
25:27burger fuel brain grill have a look at this and tell me what's going on here
25:32is this um you better watch out you're gonna get gout
25:39is this the new zealand version of to catch a predator
25:44that is some handsome devil all right uh standing next to jeremy corbett at christmas in the park
25:50and uh out of frame there jeanette thomas questioning her decision to be involved that was back when i could
25:55pull a crowd had over 100 000 there that night uh not all to see me granted but most of
25:59them
26:02and that brings us to another break when we get back we'll play jeremy's
26:05special game i know you're all excited you'll just have to wait till after these
26:09ads to find out what it is back soon
26:10welcome back everyone and though am i picking my time now for jeremy's special game
26:27since actions speak louder than words quote i just came up with let's play a round of charade the news
26:32in this game one member of each team will be given a category based on a news story
26:36they'll have to act out as many things from that category as possible for their teammates to guess
26:40team one uh you are up uh mel you are going to be doing the charading for this and uh
26:45i'll just
26:46give you these cards here are what you have to show don't let the others see them please
26:49all right okay so the story is the occam book awards were on last night and congratulations to
26:55all the winners to celebrate i'd like you mel to charade out some famous books for jazzy and roscoe to
27:01guess okay jump up there take the position we'll give you a moment let's go buddy and i'll get my
27:05dinger ready you have until i ding my ding are you ready mel i'm ready away you go lord of
27:13the rings
27:14that's great lord of the rings great oh sexy mama yes booty yeah the knits halo the dandruff
27:24uh book book reader reader 50 sheets of grey yes well done the bible the bible that's correct
27:39men and butterfly
27:42that's the only two
27:43laughing butterfly
27:48to kill a mockingbird
27:49yeah amazing heroine um transport um jack duck finding goosebumps yeah oh god
28:05the bible again
28:10open a door shut the door the door knocker through the door
28:15shut the door be quiet and she's right
28:18for oh harry potter
28:31oh quiet the quiet place which one secret oh the chamber secret
28:40that's good scottish it's good man scottish duck lock nice monster uh harry potter in the chamber of
28:49getting arrested for heroin
28:53oh harry potter and oh what's the other one the uh oh the president of azkaban
28:58oh
29:05great work mel some amazing guesses from roscoe giving you a total of eight points by my talent
29:11you did great too jazzy but there were a couple of roscoe just out of nowhere boom saved it on
29:15the
29:15night all right uh team two you're up chopper i'm going to ask you to do the miming uh tomorrow
29:21donald trump is set to have an historic summit with chinese premier xi jingping something of a
29:26power couple there chopper you are tasked with charading other iconic duos here is your list
29:31i thought you're going to be doing national leaders i'm charading duos you're charading duos yes so
29:36i have to charade twice as much as bill did for one answer and there's no roscoe on your team
29:41so
29:41good luck i believe in you chopper you have eight to beat chopper okay take it away go three words
29:47third word two syllables two word second word two peace peace peace war and peace yes
29:56um uh swimming fish finding nemo eating sushi touch a touch touch a finger like uh swim coin
30:04some dolphin dive turtle turtle turtle turtle open a book eat is eat sushi eat sushi this is
30:11soosh sauce fish fish special chips uh showering shampoo and shampoo and air conditioner yes oh yes
30:23me coming out of the toilet oh um met a woman met a woman uh milking a man
30:32stab flip turn pancake cook grill grill flipping barbecue barbecue barbecue
30:39Ba-ba-ba. Ba-bee. Ba-ba-bee and two credits!
30:47L. Loser?
30:50L. L. P.
30:53Alan Pete. Alan Pete!
30:54Alan Pete, correct.
30:57Bugs Bunny, Bunny...
30:58Batman and the Joker? Batman and Robin?
31:00Yeah, Batman and Robin, well done!
31:03LAUGHTER
31:06You got it. You got it.
31:08Don't look at them. Look at us. Look at us.
31:11Look at us. Look at us.
31:12You got this. Three words.
31:14No, three words. Sounds like...
31:16Third word. Sounds like...
31:17Sleep. Nighttime.
31:20Uh, oh.
31:21Hanging yourself. Yeah.
31:24A dream. Sounds like dream.
31:27Michael Hutchins. Cream.
31:28Coffee and peaches and cream.
31:29Peaches and cream!
31:32Uh, seagull.
31:33Bird. Sea. Bird?
31:35Bird. Bird. Bird.
31:37Mosquito. Flick.
31:39Flick bird. Bird? Bird?
31:41Bird and... Bird.
31:43And heroin.
31:45Bird and mosquito? Bird and bug?
31:47Bird and... What is that? Land?
31:49What goes with a f***ing bird?
31:52Is bird the first word?
31:53Bird is the first word. Bird...
31:55Bird and the bees. Bird shit.
31:57Yeah, birds and the bees!
31:59Sorry, that was on me.
32:01Spaghetti and meatballs.
32:02Yeah! Boom!
32:03Very good.
32:06Third word.
32:08Third word.
32:09Asshole. Wanker.
32:11Good kisser! Good kisser!
32:14Older? Older? Distinguished?
32:16Beautiful. Handsome.
32:17Jeremy! Corbett!
32:20And Josh Watson? Corbett?
32:22Corbett and...
32:23Sounds like...
32:24One.
32:26Not that odd. Nemo.
32:28Oh no, it's a...
32:29It's a...
32:30It's a radio guy...
32:32Damo and Corbett.
32:33Kevin Corbett!
32:34Yeah!
32:37Yeah!
32:41Ah...
32:41Damo would be happy.
32:44Ah, great round of charade the news.
32:47But the winner, just by one, according to me,
32:50you got nine, Team Two, which means you get the star!
32:52Well done!
32:55Oh man.
32:56Okay.
32:58Time for some ads now.
32:59You've got a couple of minutes to put your art critic hat on
33:01because coming up is my audience could draw that on seven days.
33:04See you soon.
33:17Oh no, my, rukimai. Welcome back everyone.
33:20Time now for my audience to shine and my audience could draw that.
33:24Yes, two members of the public.
33:25In fact, four who thought they were only going to be watching the show
33:28have ended up being part of it.
33:30Sucked in.
33:31They've drawn a picture based on a news story
33:33and the teams have to decode their artwork.
33:35Are you ready, Team One?
33:36Yes, indeed.
33:37We're going couples, bit of a curveball.
33:39Please welcome your audience, Artists.
33:41Wow!
33:44Great stuff.
33:45Right, so you need to say your names, the school you went to
33:48and then once you've both done that you go,
33:50and this is our picture, and they'll go nuts.
33:52Way you go.
33:53I'm Braden and I went to Birkenhead Primary School.
33:55I'm Rebecca and I went to Vauxhall Primary.
33:57And this is our picture.
34:03I'm looking at your drawing right now, and are you guys still in primary school?
34:07Is that...?
34:10There's a body!
34:12There's a body!
34:12There's a body!
34:13There's a body!
34:13There's a body on the ground.
34:13I mean, there's a whole lot of bees, obviously.
34:15They're pretty cute bees.
34:17The long-headed man has got a gun.
34:20Oh!
34:20Or is it a big finger?
34:22Oh, the other thing.
34:22OK.
34:25There's a swarm of bees.
34:28Is this this invasive bee species that's on the North Shore
34:32and everyone's going, I've seen the bee!
34:34And then people go, no, that's a regular bee.
34:37Could be.
34:37Let's ask Rebecca and Braden.
34:39Could be.
34:39Can you explain what you've drawn, please?
34:41Um, so in America there was a man being evicted from his house
34:45and a lady tried to stop the eviction by unleashing her bees on the cops.
34:51Yeah.
34:51Look at the lovely old man being evicted here.
34:54Oh, yeah.
34:54He's crying, that's why.
34:56Oh, yeah.
34:56And this is the cop here.
34:57The bees are quite good.
34:59There's been some great work.
35:00Did you split that up?
35:01It seems like someone's good at drawing bees and someone's not.
35:04Wow.
35:05Wow.
35:06I did the bees.
35:07Yeah, there's a pretty strong divide with who drew bees.
35:08Oh!
35:10Any reasons for this particular design on the hat?
35:13Oh, it's the high viz.
35:15I didn't get it either.
35:16No.
35:18Probably Rebecca and Braden will sort that out on the drive home.
35:22Alright, hold it up, look down the camera and say,
35:24and this is our picture.
35:26And this is our picture.
35:28Yeah!
35:28You can go.
35:30Thank you so much, Rebecca and Braden.
35:33Yes, an American woman is facing jail time this week
35:36after she unleashed thousands of bees on law enforcement
35:39who were trying to evict her elderly friend.
35:42Police said legally they should have arrested the bees,
35:44but it was just too many sets of tiny handcuffs.
35:48Did they bring in the SWAT team?
35:54How do you train bees to attack?
35:57To be honest, I think you just open the hive
35:59and let the bees be bees, don't you?
36:02Like...
36:02It's like being like,
36:03oh, how do I get my crocodile to eat this dog?
36:05You just put the dog next to the crocodile.
36:07I don't know.
36:09It's important...
36:10It's a particular technique.
36:11It's important to remember, like,
36:11this lady's bees are not like the ones we have in New Zealand.
36:14Like, these bees, they take two or three times
36:16to turn over and figure out which way they're going,
36:19the bees.
36:22Very good.
36:24Alright, team two, are you ready?
36:26Yes.
36:26Team two, please meet this evening's artistic couple.
36:30Come on in.
36:32Yes.
36:33Great.
36:34Oh, wow.
36:35Alright, here we go.
36:36So, you know the routine.
36:37Say your name, the school you went to
36:38and then together, this is our picture.
36:41Hello, my name's Fraser
36:42and I'm from North School down in Invercargill.
36:45My name's Tom
36:46and I went to Woodlands Park Primary School.
36:47And this is our picture.
36:50Woo!
36:54I'll just say, first off, Tom looks like a Southland me.
37:00It's a beautiful picture, guys.
37:02A lot of bees in there,
37:04so this might be similar to the last story.
37:07Pretty rough graph for the child.
37:11And this sort of orange bra on the ground or something,
37:16the pair of shoes, the orange circle thing.
37:21I don't know.
37:21That's a bra?
37:23What?
37:23I don't want to mansplain what a bra looks like to the two ladies,
37:26but I've taken a few off and put them on the ground during my time.
37:32After a long, hard day at work.
37:36I need the support, guys.
37:38Um, yeah, I mean, what, okay, what is it then?
37:41Can I, sorry, Jeremy, can I form my own team?
37:46Um, okay, okay, I think I've got, so basically, okay,
37:49so down the bottom left is clearly a couple trying to disguise themselves as a Christmas tree
37:53and I've done the zip up halfway.
37:54Yes, yes, yes.
37:56Keep going, let him cook.
37:57So this is, and the rocket all kind of speaks together,
38:00it's Elon Musk has got a lot of bastard children,
38:04which he doesn't want to adopt until 2026.
38:07Doesn't sound likely, but good luck.
38:09Tom and Fraser, what have you drawn, please?
38:12Yeah, so there's a bit going on here.
38:13Yes.
38:14New Zealand is now the global leader in couples electing to not get married.
38:19Oh.
38:20So there's a hell of a lot of bastard children being born.
38:22In fact, since 2000 to 2026, it's doubled.
38:26Right, it has doubled, okay, and the orange with the white cat mask or bra,
38:31depending on your, what is that?
38:33Well, all of the money you save from not putting it into a wedding,
38:36you can now invest into Bitcoin.
38:37Bitcoin, yes, that's what that is.
38:39And what is going on top left?
38:41Oh, someone's, this is a finger with a hand.
38:44What is this?
38:44A hand with a finger.
38:45It's nothing else.
38:46With a ring.
38:48That's, that's not happening.
38:49How come team was a global couple,
38:51and we got the stonedest people in the house?
38:53Don't, don't put a ring on it, is what it's saying.
38:56Go on, man, and say,
38:57and this is our picture down camera.
38:59And this is our picture.
39:01Great.
39:03Thank you, guys.
39:05Oh, great.
39:05Thank you, Tom.
39:06Thank you, Fraser.
39:07Figures released by Stats NZ show that Kiwis are world leaders
39:10in not getting married.
39:11Marriages in civil unions were down 3% in 2025,
39:15and that continues the decline in nuptials
39:17that's been going on for nearly 50 years.
39:20Divorce rates are up, too.
39:21Not me and my wife, though.
39:22Whatever her name is, we're solid as a rock.
39:24I think probably the hard part
39:26about trying to get married in bloody New Zealand,
39:28every time you get the ring out, Frodo scampers in.
39:33I think maybe you're just too happy here for marriage.
39:37I think that's what I'm learning, do you know?
39:39You've got a very good quality of life,
39:41but back home in Scotland, where everyone's miserable,
39:44you just want to find someone else to drag into the duck list.
39:50I think the problem is it's so hard to get an engagement ring these days,
39:53because Michael Hill's put all those bollards up around his shop,
39:56so you've got to get a decent round right now.
39:57Oh, my God.
39:58I tried to get a ring from there the other day.
40:00I went through five Subaru WRXs.
40:05People can't afford a wedding.
40:07People can't even afford parties these days.
40:09I went to a costume party recently, and the theme was Hallensteins.
40:14Weddings are so expensive as well.
40:16Do you know?
40:16We had to go the cheap option for our wedding photographer,
40:19and we ended up booking someone who I only found out on the day
40:23had never photographed a wedding before
40:26because she'd only been a horse photographer.
40:30There were clues on the day.
40:32I should have noticed when my wife was walking down the aisle,
40:34she had to jump a small hedge to get to the end.
40:40All right, a great round of my audience could draw that.
40:42For points, Team One, you can have 486.
40:44That's the amount of power taken from Hikarangi Marine Reserve
40:47resulted in a Christchurch man getting sentenced to four months' detention.
40:51Team Two, total minutes of film Peter Jackson has made in his career.
40:54Got an honorary Palme d'Or in Cannes this week.
40:57Not sure how many he's made, but it's way more than 486 minutes,
40:59which means the star for this round goes to Team Two.
41:01Well done.
41:05All right, you at home, it wouldn't be fair for our comedians,
41:08for them to have all the fun.
41:09It's your turn for a burger-fueled brain grill.
41:12Have a look at this.
41:13This is also up on our socials, so head to Facebook or Instagram.
41:16Chuck up a caption that fills in the blanks for that.
41:19The best answer will win $100 a burger fuel,
41:21which tastes all the sweeter with the knowledge you're funnier
41:23than most of the country.
41:25All right, just one more part to go.
41:26Join us back here for captions.
41:28Find out who is walking away with our homemade Hunter virus vaccine.
41:31See you in a tick.
41:43Welcome back, Aotearoa.
41:45This is still seven days.
41:47I thought we'd round out the evening with a game of captions.
41:49I'll show the teams some of the weirdest and wildest photos
41:51from the week.
41:52All they have to do is try and guess the correct caption.
41:54Team One, you are up first.
41:55What is the caption for this picture?
41:58Um...
41:58No, the caption is...
41:59This thing's not going well for Schrodinger's cat.
42:05Also going well at the same time.
42:07Is it Snoop Dogg's hamster arrives at customs?
42:12Is this, uh, Corbett destroys his computer
42:16after the Epstein files come out?
42:19Is this, uh, Susie Cato's affordable cremation services?
42:24That is, members of the Mexican army,
42:26specialists in toxic substances,
42:28participating in the first national earthquake drill.
42:31Quite obvious.
42:32Uh, Team Two, your turn now.
42:33Here's the picture.
42:34What is the caption, please?
42:35Ooh, FIFA announces shocking new ball design.
42:40My first day here at the zoo,
42:41but I'm pretty sure these are called rat lobsters?
42:46Is this, uh...
42:48Is this a man starting to suspect he's been adopted?
42:53Caption there is,
42:54the zookeeper kneels next to the six banded armadillos,
42:56Amelie and Falco at Hagenbeck Zoo in Hamburg.
42:59Aw.
42:59Back to you, Team One.
43:00Give me the caption for this photo, please.
43:02Oh, is this, uh, a new VR headset for dogs
43:05where they can hunt people's legs from the privacy of the world?
43:09Is this, uh, collie flowers?
43:14Is this...
43:15Come on, for God's sake!
43:18Is this, um, is this Corbett's dog prepare themselves
43:22for his game of find the peanut butter?
43:29You don't know where it is.
43:31That's your brains.
43:32Good luck.
43:33Took me like three hours.
43:37And I was hunting really strongly.
43:39Yeah, yeah.
43:40Yeah.
43:41OK.
43:42The real caption there.
43:43Dogs wearing goggles pose for a photo at a tulip farm
43:46in Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario.
43:48Hmm.
43:49Last one for you, Team Two.
43:50I hope you're ready for this.
43:51Tell me what the caption is for this photo.
43:54Um...
43:55Is it a Chris Luxon-themed chessboard?
44:03Is it, uh, Stephen Joyce trying to pick who hit him out of a line-up?
44:09Is it...
44:10Is it, whoa, those skydivers are in for a nasty landing?
44:15Is it...
44:16Is it a man being mugged by sea cucumbers?
44:21Is it, um, once we...
44:23Once we can teach these dildos to open jars,
44:25we don't need men any more?
44:27LAUGHTER
44:30That is, uh, we could go all night with this,
44:32but no, um,
44:33how does activists play a game of ring-toss
44:35during a dildo-themed ice protest
44:37outside the detention facility in Broadview, Illinois?
44:41And for captions, I'm gonna give the star to Team Two!
44:43Well done, Team Two!
44:47Alright, and with that star awarded and some quick maths,
44:49we can all see tonight's winner is...
44:52Team Two!
44:54There you go!
44:55We did it.
44:56We did it.
44:56There you go.
44:58There's your chemistry.
44:59No, you did it.
45:00That is great.
45:01Congratulations on being some of the first people in the world
45:03to receive my patented, ground-breaking experimental medicine.
45:06Just line up over here and we will get started with the application.
45:09That is all from us this week.
45:11Thank you for being you and please join me in thanking
45:13Mel, Roscoe, Jazzy, Josh, Bailey and Chopper.
45:16We'll see you in seven days on Seven Days Good Night.
45:19OK.
45:20Who's up first?
45:25Hey, thank you New Zealand I'm here.
45:27Alright then, you're done.
45:28Um...
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