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Short filmTranscript
00:20I like you being here.
00:23Hey, my mom wants us to go to this falconry class before you guys go to your meeting.
00:28What?
00:28I said my mom wants us to go to a falconry class.
00:32Oh, um, yeah, I think I'm just going to stay in tonight.
00:35I don't really want to see anyone because I am dying.
00:38You're not dying.
00:40I am dying.
00:41May, it's been like two weeks.
00:43George is probably on a date right now.
00:46I...
00:46Can I ask you something?
00:47Yes.
00:48Are you ever going to have sex with me or are you just going to sleep in my bed indefinitely?
00:52Oh, man.
00:54Yeah.
00:55Um, I'm really sorry.
00:58Okay, I think I do want to have sex with you.
01:01Wow.
01:02Okay, great.
01:03Thanks.
01:04No.
01:04Jesus.
01:05No, I...
01:06Look, I just...
01:07I really don't know how it would make me feel.
01:10Well, why don't you find out?
01:14Okay.
01:16Okay.
01:26I still haven't met her parents, and we live together.
01:30Like, she's practically still in the closet.
01:31Hey, ma'am.
01:32It's me, Phil.
01:33I know who you are.
01:35How you doing?
01:37You want to talk?
01:37If I wanted to talk, I'd talk to my friends.
01:40Okay, that hurts, but I'm going to let it slide.
01:43I got you something.
01:46Check it out.
01:48What is that?
01:48Okay, don't freak out, but I wanted you to have someone to process your feelings with,
01:52so I went to get you a therapy dog.
01:54Is there a dog in that tub?
01:55No.
01:56Basically, all the puppies look like May, so I got you these instead.
02:01Oh, my God.
02:02Christ, Phil.
02:03They're worms.
02:04Yes.
02:05I...
02:05Can you please leave me alone?
02:08All I want is to be left alone.
02:10George, you're not an island, man.
02:12Well, I was an island before I met May, and I can be again, okay?
02:16That's how I operate.
02:17Maybe you don't know me very well, Phil.
02:19Maybe you don't know you very well, Phil.
02:21Please leave me alone.
02:25Please leave the worms.
02:33I have to get to a meeting.
02:35I'll pick you and Maggie up.
02:36I'm trying to be more open with her, you know, include her.
02:39Do you think I should tell her I sat on your face?
02:41Um, maybe don't tell her you sat.
02:42I'm like, actually, maybe don't tell her anything, like, about what happened.
02:47Like, does she really need to know about that?
02:49What?
02:50I just feel like she'll make a big deal out of it,
02:52and she won't get that it was just, like, a casual mistake.
02:57Right.
02:59Yeah, okay.
03:03Excuse me, I have to go clean up this mess.
03:05What mess?
03:06That one.
03:11Good morning, darling.
03:13What did you and Laura get up to last night?
03:15Nothing.
03:15Absolutely nothing.
03:16Just braised a beef, braised a big beef.
03:19Brenda.
03:20I'm going to catch up with Brenda, because, um, have you seen any films lately?
03:25Have you seen Hereditary?
03:27May, uh, Maggie tells us you've had a difficult week.
03:30Would you like to share with the group?
03:31No, thank you.
03:33We are at our most vulnerable in times of crisis.
03:35Now more than ever, May, I would urge you to do the work.
03:39Sit with the pain.
03:40Think of it like, um, boiling an egg.
03:42I don't want to.
03:44I don't want to.
03:45I'm not an egg.
03:46I don't want to do the work.
03:47I'm tired.
03:48Aren't you guys tired from, like, trying to do the right thing all the time?
03:52When was the last time that any of us felt any joy?
03:54I felt joy last night over dinner with George Clooney.
03:58He was telling a very funny anecdote about pranking Brad Pitt.
04:02I mean, I want to be more like Karen.
04:04She just does whatever the hell she wants.
04:06Like, she obviously has never done drugs, but she comes here three times a week to the
04:09meetings because it makes her happy.
04:11Excuse me.
04:11I've literally done every drug.
04:14Name a drug.
04:15Okay.
04:16Well, maybe there's a small round one or one shaped like a cone.
04:21Oh, my God.
04:22You've never done drugs.
04:23Obviously.
04:24But she just comes here because she's lonely and weird.
04:27May.
04:27I feel exactly the same as I did before I ever started coming to these meetings.
04:30Actually, I feel worse.
04:32I don't...
04:33I feel nothing.
04:33I can't even taste food anymore.
04:35I tried having sex with someone last night and it made me feel lonelier.
04:39Who did you have sex with?
04:41P...
04:41Peter Piper.
04:43You don't know him.
04:44I'm leaving.
04:44And for the record, I think that Karen should run these meetings.
04:47Hang on a minute.
04:48Yeah.
04:48I'm on it.
04:51Hey, wait.
04:52Ellen DeGeneres.
04:54Listen, I like what you said in there about finding joy and how we're the masters of our destinies like
04:59James Bond.
05:00I don't think I mentioned James Bond.
05:02Wait.
05:02What are you doing today?
05:03Want to hang?
05:04Kevin, I hate everything that you represent.
05:08I know.
05:09You find my masculinity intimidating because it makes you feel inadequate.
05:12But I'm actually a pretty woke guy.
05:14I loved call me by your name.
05:17Look, I'm bored, May.
05:19I'm so fucking bored.
05:21Let me find joy with you.
05:23Huh?
05:25I don't want to have sex with you.
05:26Oh.
05:27Ditto.
05:28Pee-wee.
05:28Fine.
05:29Forget it.
05:29It doesn't matter.
05:32Okay, wait.
05:35Do you want to get drunk?
05:37Yes, queen.
05:39Okay, so at the beginning of act two, we have the soliloquy about the dagger.
05:42Can anyone tell me what a soliloquy is?
05:44Whoa, whoa, whoa.
05:45Deepa, Deepa.
05:46What are you doing?
05:46She's pouring my fucking bag out the window.
05:49Yeah, fucking am.
05:50And when I'm done, I'm going to punch you in your fucking head.
05:53Deepa, what?
05:54Daisy said I'm a fag.
05:56You said what?
05:57Who cares if I called her a fag?
05:58Look what she did.
05:59Well, I care, Daisy.
06:00Maybe I fucking care what you called her.
06:01Hey, don't laugh.
06:03I'm talking to you.
06:05Maybe I'm a fag.
06:06Do you have a problem with that?
06:08Do you want to try calling me a fag, you little rat?
06:10Try it.
06:12Okay, you're both in deep shit, and I'm sorry for swearing.
06:23I'm sorry, Joyce, but I just can't keep quiet about this anymore, okay?
06:26Daisy James just called Deepa a fag, and it's unacceptable.
06:30What?
06:31I'm sorry if it makes people uncomfortable,
06:32but I've decided I'm going to be teaching LGBT issues in PSHE.
06:37Sorry, I'm confused, George.
06:39You are supposed to be teaching them all about LGBTQIA issues.
06:43What?
06:44Sexual health, LGBT history, human rights.
06:47Have you not been teaching that?
06:49I mean, two of your students are trans, are they?
06:52If you've not been teaching this, that's a problem.
06:54No, I have.
06:55I mean, obviously.
06:57But what I'm saying to you is that I am teaching them,
07:01and I don't care if it makes people uncomfortable, okay?
07:05So there.
07:05Yes, thank you.
07:06Thanks, Joyce.
07:08Um, what should I do about Deepa?
07:10Because she sort of snapped.
07:13Well, I'll leave that up to you, George.
07:15You're good with her.
07:15She likes you.
07:17Does she?
07:17Well, I can only assume so.
07:19You're the only teacher she hasn't tried to stab or called a cunt.
07:22Oh, right.
07:24Thanks.
07:25Can you leave my office now, please?
07:27Because I've got a file coming.
07:35To Joy.
07:36Oh.
07:39Oh.
07:39You know, I don't even know this back.
07:51Dude, why is it so busy?
07:54They're here for you, mate.
07:55What do you mean?
07:56Have you not seen?
07:58Seen what?
08:00Arnie Rivers posted your set from the other week.
08:02You've had close to a million hits.
08:04No, that's insane.
08:06A million.
08:07That's a big number.
08:09It's a very big number.
08:09And I know numbers.
08:12All right, look.
08:13I've got to start.
08:14Um, you're headlining.
08:16Headlining!
08:18Whoa.
08:22I know why you're here.
08:24Give it up for your headliner,
08:27May Martin!
08:43The difference between my dick and Jared's dick is that I have a ferocious tiger dick and Jared's got a
08:48quail's egg.
08:49Why are we talking about Hugh's dick again?
08:51Because I've got the dick of a jungle cat, needs to be disguised.
08:54He really does.
08:54I can't.
08:55I actually, I can't do...
08:57I...
08:58When was the last time we had an actual proper conversation?
09:02You know that I broke up with May and none of you have asked me about it.
09:06Okay, I've got a question.
09:08From now on, are you going to be dating chicks or dudes?
09:09Yeah, hopefully dudes, because I have a plus one for my uncle's podcast recording.
09:14What kind of fucking friendship is this?
09:18Harsh much?
09:21Babe, if you wanted to talk to me about your feelings, then why didn't you?
09:24What, like in, uh, in year eight when I told you I was sad about my eczema and you just
09:28laughed at me?
09:29Are you still holding on to that?
09:32No.
09:32Look, we didn't say anything about that girl because you didn't seem that bothered.
09:37We thought she was just some random chick.
09:39You were fucking for jokes.
09:40Well, she's not some chick.
09:42I'm in love with her.
09:44Well, how were we meant to know that?
09:46And anyway, if you were in love with her, then why did you dump her, you psycho?
09:54George, where are you going?
09:57Yay!
09:59That was fucking awesome.
10:00Thanks.
10:01I probably would have ended with,
10:01Gizzy lady cunts, but still classic.
10:03Next time, Pete.
10:04You, wake up.
10:05Get drinks and crisps and more drinks, hmm?
10:08Come on, I was just on stage.
10:09He's almost set.
10:12So, you got joy, huh?
10:13You got it?
10:14Yeah, I think I had, like, a spark of joy for one second.
10:17You're on the magic bus now.
10:18There's an angry woman here to see you.
10:20Oh, no, no, don't let her in.
10:21I'll be too late.
10:23You!
10:25Shit.
10:26Kevin.
10:27Oh, hey, Maggie.
10:28You!
10:29You!
10:30Sex with my daughter!
10:32007.
10:32Stop it.
10:33Stop it, Mae.
10:34Look, it was just casual.
10:36It just happened.
10:37Lava rang me in floods of tears.
10:41Lava can cry?
10:42Well, she may be blunt.
10:43Odd, even.
10:44Well, really strange.
10:45But that girl is an absolute angel,
10:47and she's spent her whole life being abandoned by addicts who she cared for,
10:51and I shouldn't have let you near her because you used her, Mae.
10:54Oh, maybe you used me.
10:56You're filling your time until you got her back.
10:59She says she doesn't want to see either of us again,
11:01and I'm going to have to rebuild my entire relationship with her from scratch again.
11:06Okay, well, where am I going to stay?
11:12I don't know, and I'm sorry to say, but I don't fucking care.
11:18And another thing, I am not your sponsor anymore.
11:20I'm just a really angry older woman who you used to know.
11:23I'm just a fucking asshole away, you fucking shit, though!
11:31Hey.
11:31Oh, my God.
11:32Hi.
11:33Look, I have to go.
11:34I feel fucking awful.
11:35Hear me now.
11:36You're James Bond,
11:37and Maggie is a dementor
11:40who's determined to suck your joy away.
11:51Kev.
11:53One huge night.
11:56What a tiger.
11:58I am a tiger.
12:05You want your car back?
12:07Are we sure about this?
12:08Kevin, we are the best members of the NA group.
12:16Watch this.
12:19Oh.
12:37How do you feel?
12:38Don't say anything, please.
12:41Kevin.
12:42Kevin.
12:43Kevin.
12:44Kevin.
12:44Kevin.
12:44Kevin.
12:45Kevin.
12:46Kevin.
12:47You want to see my rucksack?
12:48Um.
12:51Mate.
12:52So nice.
12:55Sorry, mate.
12:56Sorry, sorry, mate.
12:57Mate, mate, come back.
12:59Mate, mate, come back.
13:02Mate, mate.
13:15I don't think I'm going to do comedy anymore.
13:19I think I just want to be a vagabond poet.
13:20She was a siren calling me to my death.
13:22When I was around her, my hand would change.
13:25Jazz?
13:25Jack Kerouac?
13:26River Phoenix?
13:28The Viper Lounge?
13:29How do you spell swamp of despondency?
13:31I haven't thought about her in years.
13:33Right now, even, I'm talking about her.
13:35I'm not actually thinking about her.
13:36What are you thinking about right now?
13:39Fine Italian leather.
13:44Do we have any more coke?
13:47Um, no.
13:50We're out.
13:51That's it.
13:52Yeah.
13:54Fine.
13:55Okay.
14:00Okay, do you want to have sex?
14:03Okay.
14:04Yeah.
14:05Yeah?
14:05Yeah.
14:06Okay.
14:07Um, okay.
14:08No, you.
14:08Right.
14:09Yeah, sure.
14:10Okay.
14:11Uh, no, no, not that.
14:13Turn it off.
14:14Why?
14:14Turn it off, mate.
14:15Turn it off.
14:17What the fuck, man?
14:19Used to sing that song to your fiancée or something?
14:21No.
14:26I think you should order more coke.
14:28Yes, definitely.
14:30Uh, I'm going to be right back.
14:52Kevin, your guy's here.
14:58Brenda?
15:00Brenda?
15:01I'm going to be right back.
15:03I'm going to be right back.
15:22Kevin, first of all, are there any drugs in this house?
15:26Um...
15:26Good.
15:27Second of all, I want you to listen to me.
15:29It's not your fault.
15:31Oh, come on.
15:34Kevin, you are loved.
15:36I don't know. It doesn't matter.
15:38You are loved.
15:39Say it with me.
15:41You are loved.
15:42I don't want to.
15:44I'm human garbage.
15:46Say it.
15:47You are loved.
15:49I am loved.
15:55I am loved.
15:59Stay super late tonight
16:02Picking apples, making pies
16:06Put a little something in our lemonade
16:10And take it with us
16:12We're half awake in a faking pie
16:19We're half awake in a fake empire
16:27Tiptoe through our shiny city
16:30With our diamond slippers on
16:33Do our gay ballet announce
16:37Blueberries on our shoulders
16:40We're half awake in a fake empire
16:47We're half awake in a fake empire
17:01May, hi
17:02You're ready?
17:04No, no, that's fine
17:05Bye
17:06I rang Maggie
17:08She says she'll be attending another group moving forward
17:10Karen sent a message saying
17:12She's going back to her job as a lieutenant in the army
17:14I'm not sure where Brenda and Kevin are
17:17So, um
17:18It looks like it's just us
17:21I thought you didn't like me very much
17:28I don't like you
17:31I really, really don't like you
17:33I find you entitled
17:34And I think you endanger the sobriety of others
17:37But
17:37I don't have to like you to help you
17:42I don't really like you either
17:45Okay, moving on
17:47Um
17:48I don't suppose there's any point doing the readings today
17:53May?
17:54Ah
17:55Sorry, I didn't realize we'd had a sobriety birthday today
17:59Congratulations
17:59I think you said it'd been two years
18:05Ah
18:06I see
18:12Sorry
18:12I don't know why
18:15When the present moment is intolerable, May
18:18We can talk ourselves into pretzels to get away from it
18:21But the question I would encourage you to ask is not
18:23Why did I use?
18:25We all know why we use pain relief
18:28Instead, ask yourself
18:30Why the pain?
18:38Oh, sorry, I'll keep it down
18:39Oh
18:41Awesome
18:42Phil
18:43I want you to feel like this is your home
18:46I made you this
18:48What?
18:48Oh my god
18:49Well, I had to photoshop myself in because we've never actually hung out one on one
18:52Oh my god, it really is you
18:57Well, keep talking, I'm loving this
18:59I fucked up
19:00You're my friend
19:01You really are
19:03And I want you to teach me the harp
19:07And I need you to help me keep my worms alive
19:10Like if they ever look hungry
19:12I want you to remind me to feed them
19:17Wait, Phil, come on
19:18I just did a really big speech
19:20I'm sorry, man
19:21I just thought you were going to say something about May
19:23And how you're going to do some big romantic gesture for her
19:25But this is mostly just about the worms
19:28Yeah, but May won't
19:31It's too late
19:32No, she's just getting on with her life
19:34It's just you and me now
19:37Okay
19:38If you say so
19:40Then I guess it's just you, me and the worms
19:43For eternity
19:56May, Malcolm, May's on the machine
20:00Your father's in the garden counting sparrows
20:02I mean, I asked you
20:03Hi, Mom
20:05Wait, what's wrong?
20:07Oh my God
20:08Whose toilet are you in?
20:10Can I come home?
20:11I think I want to come home
20:14I'll book you a flight
20:15Where's my credit card?
20:17I'm booking it now
20:19Do you have money to get to the airport?
20:22I don't know
20:22I don't think so
20:23Okay, well
20:24We'll send you money
20:25And get you on a flight
20:27Just get back here
20:29And we'll make you some soup
20:30Malcolm
20:31Start boiling down some bones for stock
20:35I'm not joking
20:38Um, so I will call you back
20:41Mom
20:41What is it?
20:44Are you mad at me?
20:46I was never mad at you
20:51Okay, thanks
20:52We'll see you soon
21:06Hi
21:06Are you okay?
21:09I was wondering
21:11Um
21:12Would you come over later?
21:14Like
21:14Like three
21:15For a coffee
21:16I just
21:17I just want to say something
21:18And I want to show you something
21:19And I'm not expecting anything at all
21:22I just, I just
21:22I love coffee
21:24I find it so weird
21:26That it comes from beans
21:31What's that?
21:32Uh, worms
21:33Um
21:34I want to say
21:34Do you want to
21:36No, no, you go
21:37Okay, sorry
21:38I want to say that
21:40I thought I was doing the right thing
21:42Ending it
21:42But I think I was just doing the easy thing
21:44And I should have
21:46Carried your bags
21:47What bags?
21:49I don't know
21:49Like if you had bags
21:51I just should have carried them
21:52I'm confused about the bags
21:54No, no, forget the bags
21:55Okay, they're just like symbolic
21:56I just
21:57I should have taken care of you
22:00And if I could go back
22:01I would
22:01I'm going to Canada
22:03In a couple of days
22:05What?
22:06I'm going to Canada
22:07Because my parents booked me a flight
22:08So I'm going to go
22:09No, but
22:12Wait for how long?
22:13I don't know
22:13Like
22:15Like a while, I think
22:18Oh, fuck
22:19Oh, my God
22:21Can I come out now?
22:23Yeah
22:24Um, May, this is my mum
22:26Mum, this is May
22:27Oh
22:28Oh, God
22:30This has all gone rather badly, hasn't it, Diane?
22:33Shall I do the speech?
22:34Well
22:35May
22:35I wish I'd met you sooner
22:37But my daughter's been a dunce
22:38She didn't realise how important
22:40Mum, it's okay
22:41Please stop it
22:41I think it's, I think it's too late
22:43May's made up her mind
22:44So you can, you can go
22:47Sorry
22:49It's nice to meet you
22:50Yes
22:52You look the same
22:53Yeah
22:55Not to worry you
22:56You're a mess, eh?
22:57Yes
22:58Bye
22:59Thank you, Mum
23:00Bye
23:03I'm really sorry
23:04No, I'm sorry
23:05I didn't know
23:06It's just
23:06It's not enough
23:07Sorry
23:07No, it's not you
23:09It's, um
23:10You were right about what you said
23:12That I need to be okay on my own
23:13Yeah
23:14Because what I'm doing
23:15Is just jumping from thing to thing
23:17And that's not healthy
23:19And that's what I do
23:20Is I just jump from thing to thing
23:21I'm not a thing
23:23What?
23:24I'm, I'm a person
23:26I'm not a thing
23:27I know
23:28And what?
23:29And what if I'm a person
23:30And I'm in love with you
23:33What am I gonna do?
23:35I don't know what to do without you
23:37What am I meant to do now?
23:39I need you now
23:43Oh, God
24:03Oh, my God
24:03What have you done?
24:06I've always had that
24:08Okay
24:09Whatever
24:14Your heart is pounding
24:18Is there anything you need to tell me?
24:20I'm not a thing
24:22What have you done?
24:31I'm not a thing
24:33I don't know
24:34I'm not a thing
24:39You know
24:40I'm not a thing
24:41I could only
24:41I don't know
24:46I'm not a thing
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