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Short filmTranscript
00:14I can't believe you don't know who Arnie Rivers is.
00:18What? He's an icon. You'll get it in like two seconds.
00:20When my girlfriend's with her friends, weirdly, she speaks in another language.
00:24It's the language of drunk, feral cats.
00:28I went there. I went there.
00:32That's his catchphrase. Do you have a catchphrase?
00:35Mm. Um, yeah. It's, uh, oh, brother, did somebody say Canada?
00:40Really? No.
00:42Okay, look, and then he did action movies.
00:44Oh, and he is such a good actor.
00:46He's so tall. Look, he's just gonna bang this girl.
00:49My father owned this factory. Now I'm owning it.
00:53Wow.
00:53Oh. So you were, like, pretty into him?
00:58Oh, yeah. Before Leo and after Ryan Gosling.
01:04Oh, wow. Yeah.
01:06Yeah.
01:07Um, when I work, I still think about him.
01:10Oh, cool. Oh, no, that's cool.
01:12Yeah, cool.
01:13Cool.
01:14Are you jealous?
01:15I just don't get why, if he's so famous, he's coming to do a weekend of shows for Nick at
01:20the gag bin.
01:21Because this happened. He had, like, a full-on breakdown. Drugs, brothels.
01:25He hasn't worked in, like, ten years.
01:27All right, well, what do you want me to tell him when I meet him?
01:31Okay, can you tell him that I wanted to marry him all the way through my adolescence and most of
01:37my early 20s?
01:37What?
01:40I just...
01:41Like, I thought you didn't believe in marriage.
01:44Yes, obviously not now. But, like, everyone does when they're a kid.
01:47Mm, yeah.
01:48Um, I have to tell you something.
01:50Okay.
01:50Can you pay attention?
01:51Yes.
01:53My father owned this factory, and now I'm owning you.
01:58Do you like that?
01:59I love that.
02:00My father was a hard man.
02:03Okay, guys, if everyone would like to take their seats, welcome to our first friends and family meeting.
02:11Right, let's start over here. And you are...
02:14I'm George, and I'm with May.
02:17Welcome, George. We've heard a lot about you.
02:18Um, and over here we have...
02:20This is my daughter, Lava.
02:24This is, uh, my accountant, Chris.
02:27Sorry, I don't really know why I'm actually here.
02:30Chris knows everything about me.
02:31Where I go to eat, my mortgage, my national insurance number.
02:36Um, lovely.
02:37So, this group focuses on drug use, but through our discussions, May particularly has broadened our definition of addiction
02:45to include any behavior which an addict craves, finds relief in, but cannot give up despite the negative consequences it's
02:52causing in their day-to-day life.
02:54How can I help my wife?
02:58Sorry.
02:59That's okay, Joseph.
03:00Um, Brenda, how does your husband help you?
03:05It's just, I suppose, that he's there. Always.
03:10It doesn't matter how badly I treat him. He's my absolute angel.
03:15That's lovely.
03:17Sorry. Hello. It's not lovely. He's enabling her. He's an enabler.
03:22Sorry. Lava said, uh, rough go of it.
03:27Well, okay, for instance, at her school, I once picked up the wrong child. I took another child home.
03:33I genuinely thought it was Lava. I took him home and I cooked him chips. I was fucked.
03:39He was a little Korean boy.
03:41Lava cut me off when she was 16, but I'm gradually earning back her trust, aren't I, darling?
03:46Yeah.
03:48I'm in it for the long haul now.
03:51George?
03:53Sorry?
03:54Are you in it for the long haul?
03:57Yes, George.
03:59How do you support your addict?
04:02Um, are you in it for the long haul?
04:05Who else is strange to that?
04:06Can she just get off your dick for one second?
04:08And how do you support your addict?
04:10I mean, what was I meant to say? What a weird question.
04:13I don't know. Maybe you shouldn't have said,
04:14I bought a strap-on and I pay for most of our Ubers.
04:17I mean, what is wrong with me?
04:18Thank you very, very much for coming.
04:21Yeah, well, it's my job.
04:23Love you.
04:25I mean, long haul. What does that even mean?
04:28You just take it day by day.
04:30Nobody knows the future. We're young!
04:33Fuck.
04:33I mean, are we that young?
04:35Like, we're older than most waiters.
04:38Did you just say we're older than most waiters?
04:40That's very funny.
04:42You say you should be a comedian?
04:43Okay.
04:44Really?
04:45Yeah.
04:45Oh, no, I have to call Binky.
04:47She's freaking out about her baby shower.
04:49Binky's baby shower.
04:51I can't believe I'm actually saying those words.
04:52That's so fucked.
04:54All right, well, I'm gonna go.
04:55I'm gonna go see your husband, Arnie Rivers.
04:58Oh, my...
04:59Ooh.
04:59Be still.
05:01Okay, goodbye.
05:04I've seen this.
05:05Oh, he's got a tour to promote.
05:07Oh, my God, that's why he's here.
05:08He's looking for an opener.
05:09May, I swear to God, if you're going before me
05:10and bum everyone out talking about your anxiety,
05:12I swear to God...
05:13Uncle, good chat, Pete. Have a good show.
05:14I will.
05:15All right.
05:15Good.
05:16Just right here.
05:17Guys, this is Arnie.
05:21Arnie?
05:21That's Pete.
05:22Jack.
05:23May.
05:24Oh, a frat boy.
05:26Another frat boy.
05:27I feel...
05:27And some sort of androgynous muppet.
05:30Wow, you've really pulled out all the stops tonight, Nick.
05:33I've been.
05:33Arnie!
05:34I'm a big fan, man.
05:35Hopefully you get a chance to see my set.
05:37Bit of jizz-based material.
05:38Yes, as a recovering sex addict,
05:40I'm sure I will love all of your jokes about jizz.
05:44I bet you do jokes about the legalization of marijuana.
05:48Thus you both fulfill the prescriptive expectations of a society...
05:51So many syllables.
05:54Is that your thing?
05:55You just do so many syllables?
05:57Yeah.
05:57And I like to keep my syllables with my MTV Movie Award...
06:00And my Teen Choice Award.
06:02Oh, well, those teens are such discerning comedy critics.
06:05Well, I'll bet you do jokes about the beauty of the infinite gender spectrum.
06:09It's so current.
06:10Yeah, do you remember what that feels like?
06:11To be current and relevant and...
06:14I like you!
06:16Ah, show me around.
06:18Yeah.
06:19I like this mother.
06:20I like you.
06:24Well, that went terribly.
06:25Yeah.
06:26And we need to make a stand against the generations of men who believe that compassion somehow equates to weakness.
06:34So, I went around to my dad's house, and I beat the fucking shit out of him.
06:40Thank you very much.
06:42You guys have been great.
06:43And just to say, um, to say thank you, I want to buy everyone in this room a drink.
07:01How was it?
07:02Oh, man.
07:03I get it now.
07:04That guy's cool.
07:06He's, like, so at ease with himself.
07:08He's so tall.
07:10Hmm.
07:10I have to get tall.
07:12Hmm.
07:12Hmm.
07:13George.
07:14Hmm.
07:16If we broke up, do you think that you'd date other girls or just, like, go back to boys?
07:24Hmm.
07:25I don't know.
07:26Boys.
07:27I think...
07:28You're the only girl I like.
07:30What is this all I'm gonna need?
07:33You're asleep.
07:34Uh-huh.
07:38Uh-huh.
07:40Uh-huh.
07:54Uh-huh.
08:19Oh!
08:20Um, can you open this eye, please?
08:22You slept, like, 12 hours last night.
08:24Are you okay?
08:25Why is he so good with kids?
08:27Thanks.
08:28Excuse me. Sorry, can we get the bill?
08:35Oh, you know what? I'll get this.
08:36Ready?
08:37Yeah.
08:37Um, and you know what? I'm gonna get that family's bill as well with the kid.
08:41Yeah, that's on me.
08:45Sorry, what?
08:47Yeah.
08:47That was the coolest thing I've ever seen.
08:49Yeah, I know. No big deal.
08:51I feel nervous.
08:52Sorry, Sarah, your card's been declined.
08:54Um, she's a girl?
08:55Oh, that's okay.
08:56Um, sorry. I don't know why that would be...
08:59It's okay. It's okay. I'll get it.
09:01Thanks.
09:30Oh, shit. Wait a second. Wait.
09:31What?
09:31Just a second, please.
09:34Can you just wait three seconds before you come in?
09:36Yeah.
09:38Okay.
09:41What is this?
09:42What do you mean?
09:43What?
09:44I'm just working out. I'm getting massive.
09:46Okay, so Binky is furious that she's gonna be pregnant in her wedding dress.
09:50I can't believe they're gonna have a baby in six months.
09:53It's like there was nothing, and then they just had sex, and then there's a human being.
09:57I mean, it's... Can you leave this off?
09:58Can you just get on the bed and take your jeans off?
10:01Okay.
10:03Okay.
10:03So what? Like, what are they even gonna call the kid?
10:06I mean, when Binky and I were in year eight, we promised that we'd name our babies after
10:09Westlife.
10:10So that's gonna be something like Brian, or Shane, Mark.
10:14It's insane.
10:15She's literally living the life that we made up in our dreams.
10:18Every bit of it.
10:19She's glowing.
10:20She's glowing.
10:21Actually, although I do think that's fake time.
10:23Okay, we were gonna live in the same house, in separate wings, and we were gonna...
10:26Wait, actually, I have to pee.
10:27Can you just take off your pants?
10:29Yes.
10:30So Hugh was high, and so was Binky, and then he just didn't pull out, and now suddenly
10:36they're adults, and that's it.
10:38He just didn't pull out, and...
10:39Oh, May.
10:48Oh, my God.
10:49Oh, my God.
11:01I can come from this.
11:03I can come from fucking you.
11:04I want you to take this off.
11:06Can you just not move your arms, please?
11:14Oh, my God.
11:16I'm gonna come so fast.
11:18Oh, come inside me.
11:20I want you to come inside me.
11:22I...
11:23Why...
11:24Why are you stopping?
11:24You said, come inside me.
11:26May, are you serious?
11:27You just said, come inside me, and I physically can't.
11:30Do you know that?
11:30Because I'd love to.
11:31May, it's a tone of phrase.
11:32Like, like, suck my dick.
11:34Are you...
11:35What are you doing?
11:37I'm sorry.
11:39Let's just stop.
11:41I just thought...
11:42I'm just trying to be what you want.
11:44I just want you to be yourself.
11:46I don't think that's really true.
11:49It's definitely not what you dreamed of, so...
11:55Oh, me.
11:56You have so many feelings.
11:58But it's in your head.
12:01It's all in your head.
12:06I'm gonna order Singapore noodles and spring rolls.
12:10Okay?
12:17My card's not working, so is it okay?
12:19Okay, I'll get them.
12:25Um, Phil.
12:27Have you noticed that May's been acting like weird lately?
12:30Like, like on edge?
12:31Yeah.
12:31This morning she asked me to spar with her.
12:33I mean, she's freaking out or something.
12:35Yeah, I thought so.
12:36I was talking about Binky's baby and she just went all weird.
12:39I hope you may have a baby.
12:41Like, right here in this flat.
12:43Yeah, well, I guess it's just not that simple, is it?
12:46Girls don't just have them, do they?
12:47Yeah, they do.
12:48Are you nuts?
12:50But you should probably start saving now for IVF
12:51because it is crazy expensive.
12:53But you know what you don't have to pay for?
12:55It's sperm.
12:56Because I have decided I am going to give you some.
13:00Oh, by the way, if you are gonna get pregnant,
13:02you probably shouldn't be taking this stuff.
13:04What's that?
13:05Uh, you're oxycopin.
13:06I know the hospital said you should probably take some,
13:08but it's garbage.
13:09It's like snakes in your blood.
13:11I'm not taking it.
13:12I've never seen it before.
13:13I found it in your coat.
13:15That's May's coat.
13:17Oh, shit.
13:19Oh, my God.
13:20What should I do?
13:22I don't know.
13:22She's going through a hard time.
13:24Why don't you go see her show?
13:26Be supportive.
13:26Oh, cool.
13:27Yeah, great idea.
13:28Thanks, Phil.
13:31I'm sorry.
13:31I don't know why I was sarcastic then.
13:32That's actually a really good idea.
13:34Thanks.
13:36Sorry I was looking through your coat, or May's coat.
13:40Just needed some change.
13:42And reach for the stars.
13:45Ah, May.
13:46Come and create a psychic space in your core with us.
13:49I'd love to, but I don't have the core strength for that,
13:52because apparently I'm a woman, I guess.
13:53Come.
13:54Share it with the group.
13:56What's wrong?
13:58Um, I don't feel very positive about my gender at the moment,
14:01because my arms are made of yogurt,
14:03and I think my girlfriend wishes...
14:05I think she wishes I was you.
14:07That is so specific.
14:11Listen, I will give you 200 pounds.
14:13If you write that up into a set, do it tonight.
14:15200 pounds?
14:16You did it.
14:16I was doing jokes about airplane food.
14:19My career was dead, okay?
14:20Then I started talking about real stuff.
14:23Loneliness, isolation, sobriety.
14:26Suddenly, everyone started giving a shit.
14:29Honesty will set you free.
14:31I want to do it too.
14:32I want to do honesty.
14:33No, you stick to your jokes about weed, Jack.
14:43Thank you so much, you have all been very, very lovely,
14:46and thank you.
14:46Well, listen, please don't go anywhere.
14:48I want you to stick around for your next act.
14:50She is a personal friend of mine,
14:52and I've challenged her tonight to be as honest as she can.
14:57Please welcome...
14:58May Martin.
15:05Hi, guys.
15:07Hi.
15:08All right, I'm going to do new stuff.
15:10Is that okay?
15:11Yeah.
15:12Okay, because it's not even jokes.
15:14So I live by a theory,
15:16which is that everyone's innately bisexual to some degree,
15:20and that sexuality is like a fluid dynamic thing,
15:23and it can change throughout your life.
15:25Do you guys agree?
15:27Really?
15:27Yeah, okay.
15:28It's very trendy.
15:29But I find it's also very confusing for me,
15:33because it means that...
15:34Basically, it means that what I think is that
15:36if I'm just good enough,
15:38then I can morph anyone's fluid sexuality.
15:41Do you know what I mean?
15:42Like, so my girlfriend is straight.
15:45I have a straight girlfriend.
15:47Historically, she's been straight.
15:49And I'm exhausted.
15:52I'm so tired all the time from, like, trying to be...
15:57Like, I'm basically trying to be what I imagine
15:59her dream version of her high school boyfriend is.
16:02That's what I'm doing.
16:03Like, a 90s heart-throw-up thing all the time.
16:05Like, I do so many push-ups and sit-ups.
16:07It's pathetic.
16:10Relatable?
16:12How about it? Is this relatable?
16:14I think I'm transgender or, like, non-binary
16:16or whatever the terms are these days.
16:20But whatever...
16:21Because I've always kind of felt this way,
16:22but it is not helping me dating her.
16:25Like, it's...
16:27Prepare yourselves.
16:29We were having sex.
16:30Yes?
16:32Yes.
16:33And, um...
16:34In the middle of sex, she goes,
16:35I want you to come inside me.
16:37I was like...
16:38I physically can't.
16:42She says that I'm the only girl that she's attracted to.
16:45But she says that, like, that's a good thing.
16:47Like, I should be so charmed and touched.
16:48But if that's true, then she doesn't love me for who I am, right?
16:52She loves me despite who I am.
16:55Um, yeah.
16:56I...
16:57I used to have, like, a red hoodie.
16:59It's, like, my favorite hoodie.
17:00I love it.
17:01And I haven't worn it in, like, six months.
17:03I only wear black now.
17:05You may have noticed.
17:06I only wear black.
17:07I don't wear colors anymore because, um...
17:10Yeah.
17:10I'm worried she's gonna come out of the shower
17:12and be, like, startled if she sees a bright color
17:14and be like,
17:14Oh, fuck, it's a girl.
17:15Oh, my God.
17:16And the fucked up thing is that, like...
17:18I just know.
17:19You know?
17:19I'm just certain that, like, she'll wake up one day
17:22and she'll realize that what she really wants
17:24and grew up wanting is, like, simplicity.
17:28And, like, some beefcake boy, you know?
17:30Called, like, Charlie.
17:32With, like, a B-minus personality, you know?
17:35Because she's culturally straight.
17:37So it doesn't matter how A-plus my personality is.
17:40That guy, Charlie, he doesn't even have to try, that guy.
17:44He doesn't have to, like, do push-ups
17:46or learn some 41 on the guitar
17:47or write her poems
17:49or be good at giving head at all.
17:52He just has to be, like, simple and kind
17:55and full of sperms.
17:58So that he can sperminate her.
18:02Um, anyway, I'm gonna go.
18:03You guys have been so nice.
18:04Thank you so much.
18:10That's been great.
18:14May, I want you to open for me on tour.
18:17What?
18:18Oh, my God.
18:19Yes, Arnie.
18:20Holy Toledo.
18:21Are you serious?
18:22Don't say Holy Toledo at me.
18:23Yes, I'm serious.
18:25Arnie.
18:25We'll do a few dates at first.
18:27Yeah.
18:27See how we go, all right?
18:28You can do Manchester.
18:29Brighton, obviously.
18:31Yes.
18:31Brighton.
18:32Yeah.
18:32What the fuck are you doing?
18:34What are you doing, man?
18:40You said you were clean.
18:42I also said I was sorry for tax evasion.
18:44Fucking hell.
18:46I mean, you literally just said to me
18:48that honesty will set you free.
18:49That's what you said.
18:50Oh, speaking honestly.
18:52Are you a lesbian, May?
18:54I mean, I don't really label myself.
18:57As you heard, I'm very complex.
18:59Like, I had a threesome with Jack
19:01and then when I was homeless
19:02I had a boyfriend called Vlad.
19:03No.
19:03Yeah.
19:04Vlad the Impaler.
19:05Yeah.
19:06You touched Vlad's penis.
19:08Yes, I did.
19:09Yeah.
19:09I'm gonna go.
19:10Do you wanna touch mine?
19:12Come on, don't look so shocked.
19:13We're gonna be touring together.
19:15And it gets very intimate, touring.
19:16Are those things connected?
19:18The touring and becoming intimate with your dick?
19:20Yeah, they go hand in hand.
19:21By that I mean dick in hand.
19:23Come on, where's your sense of humour?
19:24I don't know.
19:25Come on, come on.
19:26I promise you it's bigger than Vlad's penis.
19:30May, congrats.
19:31You smashed it.
19:31This guy's bad.
19:32That's a bad man.
19:33What are you doing?
19:34He's in the toilet stall and he's like...
19:36P. P.
19:36May, come here.
19:37What do you reckon?
19:38Wanna open on tour for me?
19:39Oh, what?
19:40Fuck yeah.
19:42What about Jack?
19:43No, no, no.
19:45Wait a minute.
19:45Wait a minute.
19:45Honey.
19:47You need to leave.
19:48Now.
19:48Get out of my club.
19:50Oh, come on, mate.
19:51Don't be fucking ridiculous.
19:52Oh, you've never seen me ridiculous.
19:54And I'm about to get very fucking ridiculous.
19:58All right.
19:59Yeah, whatever.
20:01Fucking grow up.
20:03Get out.
20:04Shit hole, anyway.
20:06Honey, wait up!
20:08Idiot.
20:09You didn't have to do that.
20:10Look, no, you're a fucking clown, man.
20:12Sorry.
20:13I should tell you that George was here.
20:15What?
20:16Well, she didn't see my set, did you?
20:17Yeah, she did.
20:19Oh.
20:25Hey.
20:26Those were just jokes.
20:27That was just jokes.
20:29May, I need to ask you a question.
20:31What are these, and where did you get them?
20:34Um, I found them at the hospital.
20:37And then I've, like, taken a few of them to sleep when I've been anxious.
20:40Okay, um, I need to ask you something else.
20:45Do I make you happy?
20:47Um, well, I'm in love with you.
20:49That's not what I asked you.
20:51Do I make you happy?
20:53Does being around me make you feel good about yourself?
20:59Like, not really.
21:01But who cares?
21:02Like, that's not what being in love is.
21:04That's not...
21:04Well, what is it then?
21:06Is it, um, something that you crave but you can't give up despite it having negative consequences?
21:11Oh, don't do that.
21:12May.
21:12That's not fair.
21:15Is it true what you said?
21:17That you, that you don't wear colours anymore?
21:19I mean, that's, that's like the saddest thing I've ever heard in my, in my fucking life.
21:24What am I meant to do?
21:25Your, your, your sobriety, your gender identity.
21:28Is there, is there anything that isn't my responsibility?
21:31Global warming, is that my fault?
21:33I don't know, are you dating the ice caps?
21:35May.
21:36Okay, um, is it true that no matter how good I am, it won't be enough?
21:43Enough for what?
21:45I, we live together.
21:47I, I've told my friends.
21:48I, I've changed my life.
21:50Enough for the long haul.
21:51Like, no matter how good this is, there's a time limit on it.
21:55May, I've not, I haven't even had like a minute to think about that, okay?
21:58I, yeah, I grew up wanting all of these things.
22:01Like, kids, May, kids, and, and marriage, and...
22:04I want those things too.
22:05I know, I know you do.
22:07And, and you, you deserve it all.
22:11You deserve to be so happy and, and, like, confident.
22:14It's fine, I'm fine.
22:16Let's just talk about something else.
22:17It's not fine.
22:18You're taking sleeping pills because you're so anxious that you're not Jason Statham.
22:23I mean, like, what's, what's next?
22:25Do you, do you start shooting up because I'm not posting enough pictures on Instagram?
22:29Why haven't you posted any pictures of us on Instagram?
22:32You've never even retweeted one of my tweets.
22:33I can't, I can't do this.
22:37Oh, man.
22:39Are you, are you breaking up with me?
22:42I don't, I don't know, yeah, yeah, I think so.
22:45I'm really, I'm so sorry I don't have to do.
22:47Oh, man.
22:48I'm sorry, May.
22:52You told me you loved me first.
22:54You said it first.
22:56That was the best moment of my life.
22:58You told me to move in with you.
23:00I know.
23:01I know.
23:01Oh, my God.
23:04I'm so embarrassed.
23:06Embarrassed?
23:06Why, May?
23:07I should be embarrassed.
23:08I'm embarrassed.
23:09I let myself think that someone like you could be with someone like me.
23:14I'm not a boy.
23:15I'm not even a girl.
23:16I'm like a failed version of Bella.
23:18I'm so sorry.
23:20May, don't I make you feel like that, but it's not true.
23:23It's not true.
23:23You're just, you're a thousand times better than me.
23:26Maybe you'll name one of your kids after me.
23:29Okay.
23:29I'm sorry, May.
23:30I can't do this.
23:32Do you want me to go?
23:34I don't know.
23:35No, I'll go.
23:35Oh, my God.
23:36I think I'm gonna be sick.
23:37Yeah, I'll go.
23:39Well, okay.
23:39Well, where, where will you go?
23:40Will you go to Nick's?
23:41I don't know.
23:43May, will you be okay?
23:45May, but please, can you just come here?
23:46Can you come here?
23:48May, please, please.
23:49May.
23:50Oh.
23:53Oh, no.
23:53I'll be gone.
23:57Oh, no.
23:59I'll be the first to fall.
24:07Give me an offer, unauthorable.
24:20Imagine a war.
24:27In those tiny hands.
24:35That held on to a benefits I didn't deserve.
24:43Yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:44Yeah, yeah.
24:46Yeah, yeah.
24:47Yeah, yeah.
24:48Yeah, yeah.
24:49Yeah, yeah, yeah.
25:02That held on to a great day.
25:07Yeah, yeah.
25:08Yeah.
25:25Yeah, yeah.
25:25In the past, I've been able to help you.
25:25So what's on my mind?
25:25Yeah, yeah.
25:26Yeah, yeah.
25:26Yeah, yeah.
25:26Yeah, yeah.
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