- 2 days ago
Scary.Movie.2026.TS-OnlyFlix.PREMIERE.English
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:07Thank you for listening.
00:01:17Hey girl, want some brown liquor?
00:01:19Brown liquor don't make this pussy bad.
00:01:21Tequila it is.
00:01:23Here you go.
00:01:28Viva la river Luciana!
00:01:30Now that shit right there make your pussy pop on it.
00:01:32Here, Stan.
00:01:33So what are you doing here anyway?
00:01:35What do you think I'm doing here?
00:01:37I'm starting to open and see.
00:01:39Been there, done that.
00:01:41Pick up the phone!
00:01:43Pick up the phone!
00:01:44Pick up the phone!
00:01:44Richie?
00:01:44Tiana, hey.
00:01:46I thought it would be easier for the audience if they didn't have to read more texts.
00:01:49Yeah, that makes sense.
00:01:50Cause you know these motherfuckers can't read.
00:01:52I know.
00:01:53Who goes to see a wedding's brother's phone?
00:01:55Well, it's nice to phone me here in this super awkward way.
00:01:59Likewise, but I've gotta be honest.
00:02:01When I see your profile pic, a bitch almost swiped left because you look mad goofy.
00:02:05But surprisingly, you know those goofy niggas got a big dick.
00:02:08So, here we are.
00:02:10I'll take you for a Jersey girl.
00:02:11A Jersey girl?
00:02:12Listen, I love jerseys down.
00:02:15But I'm a Harlem girl.
00:02:16Born and motherfucking raised.
00:02:17Real niggas only.
00:02:18Yeah.
00:02:19Oh, so you're black.
00:02:23No motherfuckers!
00:02:24I'm black!
00:02:26All cats!
00:02:27No cats!
00:02:28The cats!
00:02:30Fuck all y'all!
00:02:32Bitch spit them pearls back out!
00:02:35Like, want your shit?
00:02:38Hello?
00:02:39So tell me.
00:02:40What's your favorite scary movie?
00:02:42Mmm.
00:02:43I don't really do them.
00:02:44You know, all the super tropes and shit.
00:02:46Why is it always the white bitch at the end?
00:02:48Cause they know it's too hard to kill a sister.
00:02:50You know what I'm saying?
00:02:50Cause if the sister can survive government cheese, we can survive anything.
00:02:55You know, it might help if you met me outside.
00:02:58Met you outside?
00:02:59Boy, you just needy.
00:03:01What's your sign?
00:03:01You must be a Scorpio.
00:03:03How'd you know?
00:03:03Good a dick though.
00:03:05The toxic is here.
00:03:06Hey, is the restaurant here in the alley?
00:03:08Yes, hurry before they rob your ass.
00:03:10Rob it?
00:03:11Ah!
00:03:12Not today.
00:03:12She's a bitch.
00:03:13Heard you all.
00:03:14Okay.
00:03:15I'm coming down the alley now.
00:03:17I'm here.
00:03:17Can you see me?
00:03:18I'm waving.
00:03:19No.
00:03:21The person I'm looking at is not waving.
00:03:24In fact, they're just staring at me.
00:03:25Well, stare at his ass back!
00:03:27And don't blink.
00:03:28Never blink.
00:03:29You got scratched the lips and they're like, what?
00:03:31No, they're walking towards me now.
00:03:33Oh my...
00:03:34Oh no, they have a knife!
00:03:35Why don't I leave this ass over here?
00:03:37And that's not the worst part.
00:03:39The worst part is, you know so much about horror movies, and yet you still walk into the alley alone.
00:03:47No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:03:48Yeah but the worst part is, you fucking with a New York bitch!
00:03:52Coo Coo!
00:03:53Yeah!
00:03:54Coo Coo Oooooooo!
00:03:55Coo I oooooh!
00:03:59Coo Coo!
00:04:00Coo Coo!
00:04:01Coo Coo!
00:04:02Coo Coo Coo!
00:04:05Yeah.
00:04:07Yay!
00:04:08Yay!
00:04:08Yay!
00:04:09Yay!
00:04:09Yay!
00:04:10Yay!
00:04:25Seriously, laddie?
00:04:26I didn't recognize a bird call, but I thought you was going to war with it.
00:04:29That's a pigeon, nigga.
00:04:31It's supposed to be a hawk swooping in an attack.
00:04:36My bad.
00:04:37Oh yeah, daddy.
00:04:40What the hell?
00:04:43Bitch, I'm Teyana Taylor.
00:04:45My abs got abs.
00:04:46Get him!
00:04:48Ow!
00:04:52Come on guys, we can work this out!
00:04:54Ow!
00:04:56Ow!
00:04:58Somebody help me!
00:05:00No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
00:05:04Ow!
00:05:06Ow!
00:05:07Ow!
00:05:08Ow!
00:05:08Ow!
00:05:08Ow!
00:05:08Ow!
00:05:09Ow!
00:05:10Get your white ass off!
00:05:12Welcome to your sucker!
00:05:14Hey, Teyana.
00:05:15You might have kicked my ass, but you still didn't win that Oscar.
00:05:20What'd you say about my Oscar?
00:05:21Did I stutter?
00:05:23Did I stutter?
00:05:24You lost!
00:05:25You're right.
00:05:26But I want that golden globe, bitch.
00:05:29Oh my god, really?
00:05:31So that's why I never watched horror movies.
00:05:33It's fucking terrible.
00:05:34Just a bunch of celebrity cameos and fart gags.
00:05:38So you don't like parodies?
00:05:39I'm more into Judd Apatow films.
00:05:41You know, elevated comedy.
00:05:44And what is elevated comedy?
00:05:47The kind that doesn't actually make anyone laugh, but makes white people feel smart.
00:05:53Tuesday?
00:05:54Don't answer that.
00:05:55Could be Ghostface.
00:05:56Oh, come on, Elle.
00:05:59Stuff like that only happens in the movies.
00:06:03Oh, hey.
00:06:05I wasn't expecting you to answer the door, huh?
00:06:07What the fuck?
00:06:08Now where's my knife?
00:06:10Up there it is.
00:06:12Hello.
00:06:14Tuesday.
00:06:14Guys.
00:06:41Hey, man.
00:06:43What did you take?
00:06:44Just Ritalin for my ADHD.
00:06:47Adderall for PTSD.
00:06:48A couple of Xanax for my anxiety.
00:06:51And your motor pills.
00:06:52So good luck getting it up now.
00:06:56Jesus, Sarah, how many did you take?
00:06:59I don't know. How many come in a bottle?
00:07:02Hey, Jeff.
00:07:04Sarah, Tuesday's in the hospital.
00:07:06She was stabbed by a killer.
00:07:08You know, Ghostface.
00:07:09Wait, from Wu-Tang?
00:07:11Why would Ghostface kill her?
00:07:12I'd get a pretty Tony.
00:07:13I'd get a Starkula when I stabbed my sister.
00:07:16God, Sarah, it wasn't Ghostface killer.
00:07:18It was somebody in a Ghostface mask.
00:07:20Ah.
00:07:21Okay, that makes more sense.
00:07:28I ate the wand.
00:07:31Ugh.
00:07:33Jesus, Jack.
00:07:34What?
00:07:35I was thinking about wearing this for Halloween.
00:07:37What do you mean?
00:07:37My strange blood tested half-sister was nearly killed by a psycho and a ghost mask.
00:07:42Gotta go see her.
00:07:44Can't make up for the past.
00:07:46Well, hey, hey, hey.
00:07:47I'm going with you.
00:07:49Not because I'm the obvious killer for trying to lure you back to your hometown.
00:07:52I'm just a supportive boyfriend.
00:07:54Yeah.
00:07:55That's all.
00:07:57Okay.
00:07:57Let's go.
00:07:58Get in the car.
00:07:59Listen, we just have to make one stop on the way.
00:08:02I survived.
00:08:04All thanks to my lucky penny.
00:08:08You're gonna let me want that fuck.
00:08:10Look out.
00:08:11Look out.
00:08:11Look out.
00:08:11Look out.
00:08:13Look out.
00:08:13Look out.
00:08:14Look out.
00:08:15Look out.
00:08:16Look out.
00:08:17Look out.
00:08:18Look out.
00:08:18That's masterpiece.
00:08:20I don't wanna be in no sausage fest.
00:08:22Where my ladies at?
00:08:23Throw it east to west.
00:08:24Bow, wow, wow, wow.
00:08:25I'm impressed.
00:08:26Booty up, down, up, down.
00:08:30No.
00:08:32I hate what y'all mean.
00:08:34Come give me a hug.
00:08:36Mom, come on.
00:08:38Turn off this ratchet-ass music.
00:08:40It's embarrassing, especially for black women.
00:08:42It's not embarrassing.
00:08:43I'm the cool mom.
00:08:44Everybody wish they had.
00:08:46I'm lit.
00:08:46Don't forget, I got practice later, so I'll be home late.
00:08:49You only made the team because you're black.
00:08:51And those racist fucks assumed you could play.
00:08:54It's 2026.
00:08:55I don't think race is an issue.
00:08:57Do you read black Twitter?
00:08:58No.
00:09:00Ray, are you still dating that hoe?
00:09:03Okay.
00:09:03Stop hoe shaming her, Peppa.
00:09:06Just because Daryl and them ran a train on her doesn't make her a hoe.
00:09:09She's not a hoe.
00:09:10She's sex positive.
00:09:12Well, I'm positive she's a hoe.
00:09:14Hey, girl, look at you.
00:09:17Early for Halloween, huh?
00:09:18What you this shit?
00:09:19Bloody school, girl.
00:09:20Happy hoe?
00:09:21Hi, Miss Meeks.
00:09:23Love the hair.
00:09:25I mean, I'll take it, Spencer.
00:09:26Well, thank you very much.
00:09:28I gotta invite you over and make you a little shit pie.
00:09:31Ooh.
00:09:31You know what?
00:09:32I gotta get to African American History class.
00:09:35We're learning about slavery.
00:09:36Time to find out it was a choice.
00:09:38You see that right there?
00:09:40That's Kanye.
00:09:41That's right.
00:09:41They've been teaching us Ronald all this time.
00:09:44Mm-hmm.
00:09:44Stay black.
00:09:46Bye, ma.
00:09:47All right.
00:09:48Bye, baby.
00:09:49Bye, Miss Meeks.
00:09:50Then I put some condoms in your bag.
00:09:52You know how they try to trap y'all?
00:09:54Wow.
00:09:57Okay, seriously?
00:09:58Sheriff Greg, you don't have to walk me to class.
00:10:00I'm fine.
00:10:01Jess, there's a serial killer on the loose.
00:10:03I'm not gonna let anything happen to my baby girl.
00:10:06Boy, okay?
00:10:07I'm a baby boy.
00:10:08I'm sorry.
00:10:09I'm just having a hard time with this transition.
00:10:12Okay, it's really simple.
00:10:13Treat me like one of the guys.
00:10:15Okay?
00:10:16I can do that?
00:10:18Yeah.
00:10:19Slap bite?
00:10:20Oh, you call that a slap?
00:10:24Who the hell did you do that for?
00:10:27Why are you such a bitch?
00:10:30Bitch.
00:10:35Yeah, not bad.
00:10:38Who the hell lives like this?
00:10:53Oh, honey, it is so good to see you.
00:10:56Come in.
00:10:56Do you want some tea?
00:10:57Holy God, Mother.
00:10:59You look like shit.
00:11:01Hey, please.
00:11:02This is clearly a woman who's run out of condition.
00:11:04Oh, be careful where you walk.
00:11:05The whole place is booby trapped.
00:11:07You never know when that psycho's gonna come back.
00:11:10Come in.
00:11:12Okay.
00:11:22I hate this job.
00:11:27Mrs. Campbell.
00:11:30I'm Jack, Sarah's boyfriend.
00:11:32I've heard so much about you.
00:11:34Uh, none of it good.
00:11:36I have heard nothing about you, Jack.
00:11:39I assume you're a piece of shit.
00:11:41But how would I know when I haven't heard from my daughter in, what, six months?
00:11:46Six years, Mother.
00:11:47And whose fault is that?
00:11:49And whose fault is that?
00:11:50I don't know.
00:11:51Maybe it's yours.
00:11:53That's fair.
00:11:54We want to learn from the horror you survived.
00:11:58Look, Scary Movie 3 and 4 paid me a lot of money for a girl.
00:12:02There is nothing to learn there.
00:12:04But if you want to talk about the house, buddy, shoot.
00:12:07It's happening again.
00:12:09Some asshole in a mask.
00:12:11We have to stop him.
00:12:13You're not ready, lovebug.
00:12:15I have been preparing for this for years.
00:12:19Sacrificed everything.
00:12:20You are a terrible mother.
00:12:22Come on, honey.
00:12:23We have some good times.
00:12:25Like that Christmas I took you to meet Santa at the mall.
00:12:37Your turn, Sarah.
00:12:39Move.
00:12:41Hi, Sandra.
00:12:42I'm sorry if I don't sit in your lap.
00:12:46You creep me out.
00:12:55Mom!
00:12:57Santa gives me a step in charge.
00:12:59Be sure to thank him.
00:13:03Mom!
00:13:05Mom!
00:13:06Mom!
00:13:07Mom!
00:13:08Mom!
00:13:09Mom!
00:13:10Mom!
00:13:17I am sorry if that's how you found out Santa doesn't exist.
00:13:22Mother, I need your help.
00:13:24To heal her emotional wounds and put the past behind us?
00:13:28Oh God, no.
00:13:30No, to kill Ghostface.
00:13:32Do you have any guns?
00:13:34I am Cindy fucking Campbell.
00:13:37I've got millions of guns.
00:13:40But, um, none of them are registered due to my mental health issues.
00:13:44So, if you could just keep that on the low.
00:13:47What?
00:13:49Okay.
00:13:50Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be fine.
00:13:52I didn't hurt myself on any of these fights!
00:14:02Okay, so I spoke to Sarah earlier.
00:14:04Oh, is she coming?
00:14:05You know I did?
00:14:06Hear a buzzing sound.
00:14:07So is possible.
00:14:08No, I meant to Woodsville.
00:14:10Dumbass.
00:14:11Oh, yeah, I forgot to ask.
00:14:12Hey, Jimbo!
00:14:13Go deep!
00:14:15Oh!
00:14:17Sweet!
00:14:19Speaking of going deep.
00:14:20Uh, I don't know if it's a good time.
00:14:22Everyone knows what happens to teenagers who try to make love when there's a killer on the loose.
00:14:26Brad's right about one thing, guys.
00:14:27Okay, Ghostface is back.
00:14:29We need to arm up.
00:14:30Pepper spray?
00:14:31Check.
00:14:32Taser?
00:14:34Check.
00:14:35Butt plug?
00:14:36Double check.
00:14:38Goddamn!
00:14:39You just carry that thing around?
00:14:41It's easy to hide.
00:14:45In your butt?
00:14:48I'm impressed.
00:14:52I'm impressed.
00:14:59What's up, y'all?
00:15:01I'm back!
00:15:05Hey, what's up, huh?
00:15:06Unk!
00:15:07I'm tired of you little Gen Z alpha niggas using terms like unk and auntie, gaslighting and
00:15:14glazing and glamping, trying to make my generation sound old.
00:15:17I ain't your damn aunt, nigga!
00:15:18Shorty, you're our mother's brother, so yeah, technically you are our uncle.
00:15:23Oh.
00:15:23My bad.
00:15:25Crazy that they let you teach here.
00:15:28Teach?
00:15:29Nah, nigga.
00:15:31I attend.
00:15:32You looking at a proud 25th year senior.
00:15:35When are you finally gonna graduate?
00:15:37By the time we do a sequel and I'm about to follow you little young niggas to college
00:15:40to get my jet.
00:15:41Wait, guys.
00:15:42Tuesday's awake.
00:15:43Alright!
00:15:43Tuesday!
00:15:44Who the fuck is Tuesday?
00:15:45We gotta go to the hospital.
00:15:46You gonna take the bus off?
00:15:47Nah.
00:15:48The PJ.
00:15:49Private Jen?
00:15:50Yeah.
00:15:51Jealous?
00:15:52Man, you smoke weed all day.
00:15:54Just play video games, live stream.
00:15:56You literally got money doing nothing.
00:15:58Exactly.
00:15:58I leave the hard work for the old head.
00:16:00Ha ha ha!
00:16:02Shit, son!
00:16:02Ha ha ha!
00:16:03Still the same shortage.
00:16:04Alright.
00:16:06Check my cryptos.
00:16:07Oh, shit!
00:16:08I'm up three million dollars!
00:16:10Ha ha ha ha!
00:16:11Damn, now I'm down five million.
00:16:13This shit, we're crazy, son.
00:16:17What are you doing?
00:16:18Yes?
00:16:19How are you doing?
00:16:23How are you doing?
00:16:24How are you doing?
00:16:25How are you doing?
00:16:27How are you doing?
00:16:27How are you doing?
00:16:29How are you doing?
00:16:30How are you doing?
00:16:33I'm gonna make a...
00:16:39How are you doing?
00:16:40I'm gonna let you shine.
00:16:44It's clear the night of mine.
00:16:47I'm gonna let you shine.
00:16:50Rey!
00:16:51Sister Brenda, it's okay.
00:16:53You heard the call of sin, yes you did.
00:16:56But the Lord has called on us to show men such like you in the way.
00:17:00Come on, son.
00:17:01Come with us.
00:17:03Come on us.
00:17:05God, see you're coming.
00:17:06So don't cheat that color.
00:17:08We need you to come like you never came before.
00:17:12Come for the Father.
00:17:13Come for the Son.
00:17:14I'm going to hold your hand and we're going to come together.
00:17:20Amen.
00:17:22There you go.
00:17:24In the name of God.
00:17:25Let it go, Ray.
00:17:27Let it go.
00:17:29Oh, my bad.
00:17:32Last time.
00:17:35Let's welcome a new member to our congregation.
00:17:40Let the people out here.
00:17:48I'm not gay no more.
00:17:53Yes, sir.
00:17:54I'm not gay no more.
00:17:57I'm not gay no more.
00:17:59You ain't gay no more.
00:18:01I'm gay from your birth.
00:18:03I'll no longer dig a man.
00:18:05Even if he sets his hair where the big old chest is and perky areolas.
00:18:09Oh, man.
00:18:09You step out of secret.
00:18:10I'll no longer carry a purse, put on makeup, walk around in high heels.
00:18:30I'll no longer stay in the middle of the park.
00:18:45Red bros.
00:18:45The one with the cute little buckle on the side.
00:18:45It's so nice.
00:18:45I'm not naked in the mirror!
00:18:47With my penis tucked between my legs!
00:18:49Dancing like a dude fromение to the lamb!
00:18:52And with some lotion in the basket precious!
00:18:54I'm a changed man! I been delivered!
00:18:57I will! I said I will!
00:19:00I will!
00:19:01Now! A woman!
00:19:04Women, women, women, women, women!
00:19:07Womans, womans, womans!
00:19:09Womans, womans, womans, womans, womans, womans!
00:19:16I don't know, I don't know, right?
00:19:18I don't know, right?
00:19:20I don't know.
00:19:25Gawk, gawk, gawk, gawk, gawk.
00:19:28Whoa, nigga.
00:19:29Hawk to him, Hawk to him, Hawk to him.
00:19:31Are you hogging on it?
00:19:33He's hogging the liver!
00:19:47Oh, my God!
00:19:48Hawk to him, Hawk to him!
00:20:06Oh, my God!
00:20:08Look at me!
00:20:08Oh, her face!
00:20:09I'm fucking torn it.
00:20:10Oh, my God, it's moaning!
00:20:12Shh!
00:20:13Shh!
00:20:14Hey!
00:20:14Oh, my God!
00:20:15Ugh. I'm trying to get help for an hour.
00:20:20How are you feeling, Taylor?
00:20:22Hey, what have I been giving you for the pain? Is that, is that Morgan?
00:20:26Oh, bitches.
00:20:29Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, this that good, good. This that Britney Spears shit makes me want to get half naked,
00:20:39dance around, and juggle some knives.
00:20:42Sarah, who's that Jeffrey Dahmer look alike?
00:20:45This is my boyfriend, Jack.
00:20:47Really nice to meet you.
00:20:49Looks like Ted Bundy to me, but that ain't none of my business.
00:20:56This old stabbed-up bitch here needs some rest, so y'all, get the fuck out!
00:21:00Yes, ma'am.
00:21:02Oh, not you, Sarah. Why? What did I do?
00:21:07I'm so scared.
00:21:09Oh, Toos, you should be. You've been stabbed nine times, and the killer knows where you live.
00:21:17I would invite you to come stay at my place, but I don't really want that kind of juju in
00:21:22my house.
00:21:23For all we know, he's standing right outside that door.
00:21:32It's comforting, Sarah. I thought I was going to die.
00:21:35I know, me too.
00:21:37I planned your funeral.
00:21:40What the hell?
00:21:41And I wrote your obituary.
00:21:43More like Chachi T wrote it.
00:21:44But you're still here, and I will never let anyone hurt you.
00:21:50Oh, dumb! I should!
00:21:54Get off me!
00:21:57Help!
00:21:58This white girl can die on my ship!
00:22:01I'm a DEI hire!
00:22:02Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Just five a second ago!
00:22:05No! No! I'm good! I'm good!
00:22:06Clear!
00:22:08Again!
00:22:09Come on, my bitch! I need this job!
00:22:11Clear! It's not working!
00:22:13Clear!
00:22:14Clear!
00:22:15Clear!
00:22:16Clear!
00:22:17Clear!
00:22:18Clear!
00:22:19Clear!
00:22:21Oh, boy.
00:22:22Looks like there ain't nothing left with forts, prayers, and pork rinds.
00:22:27Dear Lord.
00:22:28You're threatened!
00:22:29Check out the wire!
00:22:30The wire was the shit, baby.
00:22:32That's my show.
00:22:33Frogs and that Idris album.
00:22:35Make this Gucci wanna pop, pop, pop!
00:22:37Dear Lord.
00:22:38Please accept this white bitchin'.
00:22:42Oh!
00:22:43The Lord works in mysterious ways.
00:22:46I'm gonna break.
00:22:48Oh, truth.
00:22:49I will never let anyone hurt you.
00:22:52Again.
00:22:57Ooh!
00:22:58My bad!
00:23:03Mommy, is she?
00:23:11My bad!
00:23:12Hello, Sarah.
00:23:15Who is this?
00:23:16Someone who knows for your little secret.
00:23:20No, no, no.
00:23:21I swear that wasn't a Nazi salute, okay?
00:23:23I won Prom Queen!
00:23:25And I was throwing my heart to the crowd!
00:23:27No!
00:23:28I'm talking about your family secret.
00:23:32Oh, you're the fuck who hurt my sister!
00:23:36Well, I had to get you to come back here.
00:23:39Listen, if you were to fuck with me, asshole, then come and get me!
00:23:43With pleasure!
00:23:50Help! Somebody help!
00:23:53Please, somebody help!
00:23:57Bitch! This is the break room!
00:24:01We all break!
00:24:10Take that!
00:24:15Please, take me!
00:24:17I've been saving people all day!
00:24:20So you handle yours, I'll be right or here eating my falafel and my pork rind.
00:24:27I look like your momma.
00:24:31I am now breaks over.
00:24:40You're welcome.
00:24:44It really looks like you got hit with something hard. Like metal.
00:24:48I told you, I fell. Now where exactly are we going?
00:24:52I want to talk to an expert.
00:25:06Go away!
00:25:07I'm so sorry to bother you. We just, we just want to ask you a few questions.
00:25:11Give me one good reason why I should talk to you.
00:25:14I'm white.
00:25:15How white?
00:25:16Oh, I'm talking Candace Owens' white.
00:25:19Oh!
00:25:20Fix it!
00:25:21When you said expert, I assumed you're not more like Neil deGrasse Tyson.
00:25:25I'm Sarah Campbell. I was attacked last night.
00:25:27I think you should leave. I don't want to get stabbed.
00:25:30And I don't like COVID, okay?
00:25:31Please, come on. Just two minutes. That's all I'm asking.
00:25:34No, no. I'll give you eight minutes. And another thing, I can tell you to go.
00:25:42Oh my gosh!
00:25:46Now you guys are good.
00:25:48When did the work week become the woke week?
00:25:50We've got Black Friday. What's next? Mulatto Monday? I mean, yellow Thursday?
00:25:54Come on.
00:25:58Come on.
00:25:59Let me get this.
00:26:00I'm your way.
00:26:01Sorry.
00:26:04Yes, you're done.
00:26:06Yep, you're good.
00:26:09You're Cindy's daughter, right?
00:26:11Yeah.
00:26:12Yeah. I don't know him.
00:26:14Oh, this is Jack, my love interest.
00:26:16No, no, no, no.
00:26:18Rule number one of surviving a horror movie
00:26:20is never trust
00:26:22for love interest. Look at him.
00:26:25He's got that
00:26:26weird lazy eye poking one way
00:26:28and he's drooling like a
00:26:30psychopath. He's got that stump
00:26:32leg. Makes the ball
00:26:34walk weird and creepy.
00:26:36I don't have a stump like I
00:26:38does. Oh.
00:26:40Don't look at me.
00:26:43Just watch your duty.
00:26:45Retired.
00:26:46Listen, Doofy, we could really use your help.
00:26:49Yeah.
00:26:50I can't come back to that life.
00:26:51Plus, we're in the middle of a global
00:26:54pandemic. Okay, I hate to break it to you
00:26:55but COVID has been over for like
00:26:57years.
00:26:59Really?
00:27:00Yeah.
00:27:04Damn it!
00:27:06What am I going to do with all this
00:27:07damn meat?
00:27:10Get out.
00:27:11I don't want to go straight to find you.
00:27:13And don't come back.
00:27:27It's a shower
00:27:28that's believe.
00:27:34Touch your lovesy kids.
00:27:36It's what he could do it.
00:27:38Okay, just because he showered
00:27:41doesn't mean that yeah i didn't shower i just take water from my mouth you want some no that's
00:27:46okay okay come on do you see yeah do it sarah is your ghetto ass mom coming or can we
00:27:52start talking
00:27:52about this plot uh hi you came not in like 15 years honey but i did buy this new rose
00:28:04so fingers crossed
00:28:11oh oh oh my old friend you taught me how to dance how to make a high and work pie
00:28:20nigga i'm writing back here sorry what's up sandy how you doing hi i can't believe you thought i was
00:28:33dead well between cancer from the weed smoke your love of the mcrib and racist cops i didn't think
00:28:40you had a chance yeah that's the two of them coming hi and stop smiling at me
00:28:48shit world star world star world star hey he's intellectually disabled that's just how he
00:28:56looks you drunk honky hey hey who call that white bitch a honky come on have some respect i keep
00:29:02seeing people smiling everywhere i'm not very likable so it must be some kind of curse hey everybody
00:29:09look what i got non-branded gelatin shop made with great alcohol and ghb so ain't nobody's sipping that
00:29:16name consent to like last time which i apologize i love being myself no you sure baby hi brenda please
00:29:24do
00:29:25not call me by my government name call me mom
00:29:32you dropped the tray oh my god
00:29:34i haven't seen you in forever oh my god look at you you look the same
00:29:39minus the crow's feet and your hair is so dry oh and your titties dropped so far other than that
00:29:47you look the
00:29:48exact same what have you been up to oh you know neglecting my children so i can prepare to kill
00:29:54ghost fish should he ever return what about you well i've been mostly just getting half
00:29:59some kids drunk and a desperate attempt to stay young and keep my kids at home i always knew you'd
00:30:04be a
00:30:04great mom oh should we hug oh i really want to but i'm a republican now so i'm supposed to
00:30:10be racist oh
00:30:11girl i think all white people are racist anyway come here okay oh you want me to shut up oh
00:30:19yeah
00:30:19you know ma this place could be so cool if you had like a beer pong table over there maybe
00:30:25like a snack
00:30:26wall what you know about cool when i was your age i was popping bottles with puffy puff daddy p
00:30:31-ditty
00:30:31ditty all the shorts that ain't as well your mama was the freak in the free calls
00:30:39you want to see something cool i'm gonna show you something cool
00:30:49god that's cool what are you doing what no not like that
00:30:57i don't know why y'all acting so scared the gun ain't even loaded
00:31:00oh
00:31:05oh
00:31:05uh-oh i did it again
00:31:09i'm always going to get that last one in the table help me move the fire yeah you got it
00:31:13yeah it was fun oh
00:31:15i want to go with cover oh i love cover you know what
00:31:21i used to put cocaine in my hoo-ha in the table there all the time
00:31:26yeah
00:31:35all right let's get back to the plot i'm looking at you ted bundy eyes looking like a school shooter
00:31:41i think you the killer oh me okay what about deputy doofy over there i don't have a motive
00:31:46you know what's my motive you were the killer in the first movie shouldn't you be looked up no
00:31:51i got pardoned mostly because of the storming the capital you know oh i got proof this is me
00:31:59in spain that's a cool hit but what about jess what about me if anybody here has issues that could
00:32:07lead to murder okay trans shaming is not cool okay then he's just a dude yeah lightest stuffer body
00:32:14strengthen the dick part hey you don't know what i got down here okay i do hey hey listen
00:32:20what we know so far is everyone who's been attacked is related to the original characters
00:32:26he wants to kill the king ah he's making a reboot a quote a what now yeah it's like a
00:32:33reboot
00:32:33in a sequel mixes legacy characters with new characters in an attempt to feed into
00:32:38bullshit nostalgia and bring more fans to the theaters just like last year's i know what you did
00:32:42last summer that's a movie what did i do last summer i think you're talking about the summer
00:32:49and turned pretty yeah right when did you get here oh i've been here i was just hanging out by
00:32:54the
00:32:54minimum oh okay so that means that our killer is writing his own version of horror movie okay so
00:33:02according to the rebooty call rules who's the killer i think it's pretty obvious
00:33:13who you bitch me guys i am not the killer ghostface attacked twos to lure me back here
00:33:21i think he attacked tuesday to get you back here so he could get me back here he wants to
00:33:27kill the ogs
00:33:29that was a flex yeah that sounds better oh fuck it and fuck you mother
00:33:36to your mother hey don't be so disrespectful and call me mom or mommy or whatever is more comfortable
00:34:07talk to me hello sheriff ancient underwood i'll give you one hint what's your favorite scary movie
00:34:16well i'm gonna go with salt burn i mean the member on that english guy was terrifying
00:34:21and ken jiang's junk in the hangover was a much better depiction of the male anatomy
00:34:26now what do you want fuckface well i'm just calling to tell you that by the time you get home
00:34:31i'll have gutted your baby girl hey asshole she's a boy
00:35:03looking for this
00:35:05Let me help you.
00:35:08I got your baby dick.
00:35:11Winky, winky, winky, winky.
00:35:22Alright, here we go.
00:35:24What do you want, fuckface?
00:35:26Like father, like son.
00:35:30I understand you're home alone.
00:35:32Well, dad's out, but the pool guy, the gardener, and the plumber are all here, asshole.
00:35:39Look out your window.
00:35:45No, but they're the backbone of the American workforce.
00:35:49And I'm too white to do those jobs.
00:35:51Let's cut to the chase.
00:35:53I'll ask you one question.
00:35:55If you answer correctly, you live.
00:35:58Who was the killer in horror movie?
00:36:02Oh, that was easy.
00:36:04It was Bobby and then Kay Ray, the guy who was totally into dudes, even though he claimed he wasn't.
00:36:09Classic 2000s homophobia.
00:36:11But I got you, bitch.
00:36:12Wrong.
00:36:13You forgot Special Officer Doofy.
00:36:15Now you die.
00:36:28You should probably answer that.
00:36:31I can literally see you trying to steal my package.
00:36:35Ow, shit.
00:36:38That was easy.
00:36:43Someone who wears steaks, let's go, Puff.
00:36:47Wait a second.
00:36:49Careful.
00:36:50You wouldn't have made any killer.
00:36:52You are about to identify as dead.
00:36:57Look.
00:36:59You stand like a girl.
00:37:10Come on, girl.
00:37:15This is Kiki West for OnlyFans Rapid News.
00:37:18Rapid News.
00:37:18You mean Rapid News.
00:37:20You don't even have a cameraman.
00:37:21My apartment.
00:37:24Excuse me.
00:37:27Oh, my.
00:37:28You're...
00:37:29Yes, yes.
00:37:30Three-time Emmy nominee for Outstanding Achievement and Sensational Reporting.
00:37:34I was gonna say the lady from Friends, but shorter, Nicholas Botox.
00:37:38Oh.
00:37:39Is that what you were gonna say?
00:37:40Yeah.
00:37:41You seriously don't know who I am?
00:37:43Baby girl, I am...
00:37:44Gail Swallows!
00:37:45Hey.
00:37:46Hailstorm.
00:37:47Gail, hail...
00:37:47Get the hell out of my way!
00:37:54Doofus?
00:37:55Hey.
00:37:56Gail.
00:37:57Ah.
00:37:58You haven't aged a day.
00:38:00You've aged like a million days.
00:38:01That's just meant to be fine.
00:38:02Yeah, your fingers felt like genitals.
00:38:04What are you doing in that ridiculous uniform?
00:38:06Oh, I'm back on the case.
00:38:08Yeah, I'm gonna bust a ghost face.
00:38:10Well, um, tell me, Special Needs Officer Doofy.
00:38:14Ugh.
00:38:14Um.
00:38:16Wow.
00:38:16Are there any suspects in this tragic, yet completely predictable incident?
00:38:20I think he's not allowed to say.
00:38:22No, no, no, no, no.
00:38:24Yes, you can.
00:38:25I think he's not...
00:38:25Yeah.
00:38:26Oh, yeah.
00:38:27So, me.
00:38:27I don't know what that is.
00:38:29Well, though.
00:38:30I don't know what that is.
00:38:30Hey.
00:38:31Remember when you used to give blowjobs?
00:38:34Presensitive information.
00:38:36I don't give blowjobs anymore, okay?
00:38:38Not since me, too.
00:38:39Okay.
00:38:40Sorry.
00:38:41I give handjobs now, but the story better be good.
00:38:44Okay, I'll do a handjob.
00:38:45Let's do it.
00:38:45Let's do it.
00:38:57Let's do it.
00:38:58What the?
00:38:59Let's do it.
00:39:09I'm gonna get you.
00:39:09Uncle Red, he's gonna get you.
00:39:11Red?
00:39:11He got my outfit, you little crud.
00:39:17Maybe we should have been legal.
00:39:22Fuck yeah, it should have.
00:39:25Okay.
00:39:34Hello, shorty.
00:39:36You do know that smoking is bad for you.
00:39:39Actually, weed ain't bad for you.
00:39:41You got vitamin T, C, and H, C, B, and D.
00:39:46What's the matter, Shorty? You look a little antsy.
00:39:51Maybe because there's a masked serial killer sipping tea in my den.
00:39:56Shorty, you're my nigger. I mean, friend. Please, sit.
00:40:01Alrighty.
00:40:05Do you want to quit smoking?
00:40:07Well, to be honest, I tried to quit. But my mother said I ain't raising no quitters.
00:40:14So I quit quitting.
00:40:15We could try hypnosis.
00:40:17Bro, I don't care how many poppy watches you try and wave in front of my face.
00:40:22It ain't gonna work, son. You can't magnetize me.
00:40:25Sleep.
00:40:29Shorty.
00:40:33What's up?
00:40:34Tell me about your mother.
00:40:38Damn, nigga. Let's start with something light. Like, do you lick ass? Yes or no?
00:40:43The answer's yes.
00:40:45So what happened to her, Shorty?
00:40:50He was coming home.
00:40:53Her car was parked on the side of the road.
00:40:56Someone was in it.
00:40:58And something bad was happening.
00:41:04Why did you call anyone?
00:41:06I couldn't. I had a warrant.
00:41:16You were eleven.
00:41:18I started young, nigga.
00:41:21Oh, what do you see?
00:41:25What do you see?
00:41:29I see a big explosion of water.
00:41:33It was like a civil rights host.
00:41:39Police said it was a murder-suicide.
00:41:43She killed that man.
00:41:44When they opened the car door, his little body just slid out.
00:41:51Like the green nigga in the shape of water.
00:41:54I just didn't want it to be real.
00:41:56What don't you want to be real?
00:41:59That my mother was a squirter.
00:42:02Okay.
00:42:03She was a squirter.
00:42:04All the floors in her paper was warped.
00:42:06I can't move.
00:42:08You're paralyzed.
00:42:10Now.
00:42:11Sink into the chair.
00:42:14No, wait.
00:42:14Sink.
00:42:21It's gone!
00:42:37No.
00:42:38You're in a K-pop hole.
00:42:47I'm in a K-pop hole.
00:42:50You're in a K-pop hole.
00:42:52Now.
00:42:53It's feeling for me.
00:42:54Oh shit, I'm so hot.
00:42:57I'm scared of my mind.
00:42:59I can't feel my obeying.
00:43:02No problem, child.
00:43:04Look back in my arms.
00:43:07Now I'm about to get laid.
00:43:11Now I'm dying.
00:43:13Time for dining.
00:43:15Cause I've got the munchies.
00:43:17I don't need a reason to bang these demons
00:43:22Now we're perfect at peace
00:43:25We don't wanna have it up up
00:43:28We don't wanna be smoking
00:43:29We're about to be talking
00:43:31We're gonna be gonna be smoking
00:43:33Oh oh oh oh
00:43:35Up up up
00:43:36We don't wanna be smoking
00:43:37We don't wanna be talking
00:43:39We're gonna be gonna be smoking
00:43:48That dream was wild
00:43:50I must have been Elon Musk
00:43:52Hi
00:43:54Hi
00:43:57Chinchasheba
00:44:06Tuesday
00:44:08Tuesday
00:44:13Bobby?
00:44:17Bobby?
00:44:18What the?
00:44:20She's gonna die
00:44:22Our daughter, Sarah?
00:44:24You're probably right
00:44:25She's tough
00:44:25But let's see her get stabbed in the cut
00:44:28I'm gonna die
00:44:29Bobby, you're already dead
00:44:31This hallucination is a manifestation of my own guilt for being an awful mom
00:44:36Or it could be the shrooms I just popped
00:44:38You're gonna die
00:44:41You're gonna die
00:44:42You ain't killing me
00:44:50You're gonna die
00:44:52Stop smiling
00:44:54I can't
00:44:56Boontox
00:44:56Boontox
00:44:57Hey!
00:44:58This is the mental ward
00:45:01Everyone smiles in here
00:45:02What?
00:45:04Oh
00:45:04Um
00:45:05Could you point me in the direction of the ICU?
00:45:08Is it that way or that way?
00:45:10Visiting hours are over
00:45:11Oh
00:45:12Oh
00:45:12Oh
00:45:12Yes, of course
00:45:15The network wants me to clarify that Black Friday has nothing to do with race
00:45:19Well just tell that to my black friend Benita
00:45:21Who's probably clocking someone over the head of Target as we speak
00:45:25Right Benita
00:45:39Come on!
00:45:43Man, you ain't Micah
00:45:44Micah got that Jerry curl
00:45:46What is that son?
00:45:48Is that shellac?
00:45:49See, people think it's shellac
00:45:50But it's action shopping
00:45:51All your hair look like fondue
00:45:53It's dirty
00:45:54Micah's got a monkey
00:45:55I got a llama
00:45:58Fuck Micah
00:45:59You can't dance boy
00:46:00I be practicing
00:46:01Oh
00:46:03Oh
00:46:04Oh
00:46:05Yeah
00:46:07Oh
00:46:08Oh
00:46:09I can do more
00:46:10Oh
00:46:11Oh
00:46:13Oh
00:46:13Oh
00:46:14Oh
00:46:14Oh
00:46:14Oh
00:46:15Oh
00:46:16Oh
00:46:16Oh
00:46:20Jermaine
00:46:23Coming Juneteenth
00:46:25Only on Tubi
00:46:29I'm a bootleg bath ship
00:46:33Hello
00:46:34Hello
00:46:35Fuck this
00:46:42I'm gonna miss you all
00:46:49Oh hell no
00:46:50These lights don't die
00:46:51These lights don't die
00:46:52These lights don't die
00:46:53Come on
00:46:53Come on
00:46:54Come on
00:46:54Come on
00:46:55Come on
00:46:56Come on
00:46:59Come on
00:47:04Come on
00:47:05Oh
00:47:05Damn it
00:47:05Jack
00:47:06Did Sarah tell you to come?
00:47:07Um
00:47:08Yeah
00:47:09That's why I'm here
00:47:10Not to murder you or anything like that
00:47:14Then why are you wearing gloves?
00:47:16Would you believe I am thinking about dressing up as OJ Simpson for Halloween?
00:47:22But those fit
00:47:23Look out
00:47:24Look out
00:47:25Look out
00:47:25You're not cool bro
00:47:26You almost did a thing
00:47:27I mean
00:47:28No
00:47:30Okay
00:47:32Oh
00:47:32Oh
00:47:35Yeah
00:47:35Oh
00:47:38Oh
00:47:39Oh
00:47:44I'm gonna cut you like a pig
00:47:51Oh God
00:47:54That was a stupid line
00:47:58That is so true
00:48:00What are you gonna do?
00:48:01What are you gonna do?
00:48:02Are we gonna bake it?
00:48:03Ha ha ha ha
00:48:04Oh
00:48:04Come on
00:48:05Ha ha
00:48:07I've gotta get better writers
00:48:09I love them
00:48:10I'm tired sir
00:48:11Wait until I stick my knife at them
00:48:21I'm crying over here
00:48:23I'm gonna be scared
00:48:24I'm gonna be scared
00:48:25I'm gonna be scared
00:48:27I'm gonna die
00:48:28I'm gonna die
00:48:29I'm gonna be scared
00:48:29Ha ha ha
00:48:30Oh
00:48:31Oh shit
00:48:32He's really gonna kill me
00:48:35Oh
00:48:42No
00:48:42No
00:48:44No
00:48:44No
00:48:44No
00:48:45No
00:48:46No
00:48:46No
00:48:46No
00:48:55There's no one with their eyes.
00:48:59I'm going to turn you into bacon!
00:49:04No!
00:49:08No!
00:49:14Excuse me.
00:49:15Out of our way.
00:49:16Step aside.
00:49:17Bishop, please take it.
00:49:19Your face!
00:49:19What do you feel like doing now?
00:49:22Who?
00:49:24Smile, you son of a bitch.
00:49:27What the?
00:49:28My psycho mother said,
00:49:29Always keep us straight!
00:49:33Go! Go!
00:49:34I'm going to go keep your mother in here.
00:49:35I'll keep your mother in here.
00:49:37The pain!
00:49:39The agony!
00:49:40Sarah, if I don't make it...
00:49:43Seriously, too, stop trying to win an Oscar.
00:49:45It's a horror movie. It'll never happen.
00:49:47Ask Demi more.
00:49:49No!
00:49:52Get ya!
00:49:56You're going to kill me!
00:49:57What the fuck?!
00:49:59I can get out of myself.
00:50:03It's me and you now, Ghosty.
00:50:07I got a shit on the head.
00:50:10Shit on the head.
00:50:11I did not kill me.
00:50:22I got a gun into a car.
00:50:25I got a gun.
00:50:29Oh God!
00:50:31What the fuck is that?
00:50:33My ass.
00:50:35Fuck your ass, whore.
00:50:37What is your...
00:50:39Oh, Jack, that's my ass.
00:50:42Any last words?
00:50:44I go pooping.
00:50:50Oh, hell no.
00:50:52I ain't cleaning up that shit.
00:50:54I'm on break.
00:50:55Come on. I need to kill it, not the queen.
00:50:58Watch yourself.
00:51:01Hey, what's up, chat?
00:51:03It's your boy Shorty.
00:51:04That's right, it's another Halloween-a-thon.
00:51:06And it's another day of me getting
00:51:08paid mad money for doing
00:51:10absolutely nothing.
00:51:11Why you stupid motherfuckers watching?
00:51:14Hey, they call me dumb.
00:51:15I want to give a smooth shout-out to my sponsor.
00:51:19Angry Orchard Hard Siders.
00:51:22They got mad apples, son.
00:51:28You're crazy.
00:51:30We're marketing genius.
00:51:31All right.
00:51:32Wouldn't be a Halloween-a-thon without a dope guest.
00:51:35He's a legend in the streaming game.
00:51:36Give it up for Kyle...
00:51:39SEMEEEEEEE!!!
00:51:42Hey!
00:51:43Hey!
00:51:43Hey!
00:51:47All right?
00:51:48Let's get serious.
00:51:49What brings you to check?
00:51:51You probably saw something in a movie.
00:51:53I've been calling you, you ghosting me.
00:51:56What?
00:51:56Bro, I thought that was one of my crazy-ass baby mamas.
00:51:59That's, that's my band.
00:52:01Speaking of ghosting...
00:52:03Somebody was talking to you.
00:52:05Hello?
00:52:06What's your favorite scary movie?
00:52:09No!
00:52:11No!
00:52:14No!
00:52:15No!
00:52:16No!
00:52:16No!
00:52:19No!
00:52:20No!
00:52:22We breaking the internet, son!
00:52:24What's up, my guy?
00:52:25You got some angry boy at your hot-sided house.
00:52:27Yeah, I'm right.
00:52:28They got mad apples.
00:52:30Oh!
00:52:31What the?
00:52:32No!
00:52:33No!
00:52:37You're about to do my favorite thing.
00:52:40Spin the wheel!
00:52:43Spin the noodle game!
00:52:45We gonna go back there with these noodles,
00:52:47and we gonna smack the fuck out you!
00:52:49I mean, you gotta guess who did.
00:52:50It doesn't even make sense.
00:52:52This is a dumb game.
00:52:58God!
00:52:59God!
00:53:01Hey!
00:53:02Hey!
00:53:04Hey!
00:53:06Hey!
00:53:07Hey!
00:53:07Hey!
00:53:08Hey!
00:53:08Hey!
00:53:09Hey!
00:53:12Hey!
00:53:20Hey!
00:53:20Hey!
00:53:23Hey!
00:53:24Hey!
00:53:25Hey!
00:53:28Hey!
00:53:28Hey!
00:53:29Hey!
00:53:29Hey!
00:53:31Hey!
00:53:32Hey!
00:53:33Hey!
00:53:33Hey!
00:53:33Hey!
00:53:40Hey!
00:53:41Hey!
00:53:46It's about 20 you guys got here.
00:53:50Now you're gonna get it.
00:53:56So that's our suspect.
00:53:58Goes by the name Shorthand.
00:54:01Was the handyman that a house reputed to be haunted in 2001.
00:54:06Is there anything you're not telling me?
00:54:08That your wife hates you.
00:54:09You believe the earth is flat and you voted for Trump.
00:54:13Three times.
00:54:14Now was I supposed to vote for the woman?
00:54:17I believe Shorthand is the notorious ghost face.
00:54:23What'd that mouth do?
00:54:27You did look pretty sketchy.
00:54:32I got the wrong guy.
00:54:35And you know that because you're psychic?
00:54:37No.
00:54:37So I saw him arrest for it.
00:54:41I don't know.
00:54:42That guy's black.
00:54:44He's kind of not that black.
00:54:46Like gravy brown.
00:54:51Hit him with your strong hand.
00:54:55Arrest him anyway.
00:54:56Oh, I did something.
00:54:57Right?
00:54:58Turn off your body cams.
00:55:01This hail storm, welcome back.
00:55:03Doc, I'm begging you.
00:55:05You gotta help me look younger.
00:55:06These little bitches are killing me out there.
00:55:08They're wearing nothing but a sausage casing and a ring light.
00:55:11Trust me with this withered, decrepit, age-ravaged body, and I will make you whole.
00:55:18Well, you're in a wage white lady special coming right up.
00:55:20Thanks.
00:55:21I'm gonna play a quick video on the ins and outs of the procedure, and then we'll get started.
00:55:29Do you wish you weren't so old and saggy?
00:55:32Do you wish you were younger?
00:55:35Sexier?
00:55:36Fuckable again?
00:55:38One single injection unlocks your DNA, creating a new, better you.
00:55:45This is the stuff.
00:55:48Doc, this isn't that Gwyneth Paltrow crap that makes you smell like a badge, is it?
00:55:57I like it.
00:56:01Oh!
00:56:03Oh!
00:56:14Oh, that's a lot of stuff.
00:56:18Oh, a mask on a mask.
00:56:20Safety first, right, Doc?
00:56:22Oh!
00:56:23Oh!
00:56:24Oh, no!
00:56:26Oh!
00:56:27Oh!
00:56:28Oh, not a second thought!
00:56:29I'm gonna love and accept myself as I am!
00:56:32Ah!
00:56:36Ah!
00:56:38Ah!
00:56:40Ah!
00:56:41Ah!
00:56:41Ah!
00:56:42Ah!
00:56:42Ah!
00:56:43Ah!
00:56:52Ah!
00:56:53Ah!
00:56:56Ah!
00:57:01Ah!
00:57:05Ah!
00:57:06Ah!
00:57:34Oops, wrong movie.
00:57:38You were thinking it, but you said white chicks to my ass.
00:57:44I feel anything new.
00:57:48I feel anything new.
00:57:52Hey, Sarah.
00:57:55Tuesday, I tried to visit you.
00:57:59I am sorry for everything, especially your name.
00:58:03It was Taco Tuesday.
00:58:04I was super drunk, but I promise you,
00:58:07I will kill this motherfucker.
00:58:09It's fine, really, we're cool.
00:58:10I'm not, forget the car.
00:58:12I'm going to take you to the car.
00:58:14I got stabbed in my death, dumbass.
00:58:16I'm taking Choo's away from all of this.
00:58:22I tried to run Choo, but it follows.
00:58:26Now you're probably expecting a flashback to that movie,
00:58:29but it's too obscure.
00:58:31Yeah, and your party's weird.
00:58:32You have sex with someone, give them an STD,
00:58:34and then they haunt them in the form of a naked grandma.
00:58:37It's like an STD biopic.
00:58:38The killer is taunting me.
00:58:40Why doesn't he just kill us?
00:58:42Oh, speak for yourself.
00:58:43Like, what are you waiting for?
00:58:45Oh, no, no, no, sweetie, sweetie, it's like this.
00:58:49What are you waiting for, huh?
00:58:53What are you waiting for?
00:58:55What are you waiting for?
00:58:58What are you waiting for?
00:59:00I wish you weren't my mother.
00:59:02What are you waiting for?
00:59:05Hey, I like Candyman.
00:59:08Candyman.
00:59:10Candyman.
00:59:12You sure about this?
00:59:13Yeah, keep saying it.
00:59:16Candyman.
00:59:19Candyman.
00:59:36Candyman.
00:59:38So what's up?
00:59:39You got that Candyman?
00:59:40I got weed gummies.
00:59:43Canuts.
00:59:44Yeah.
00:59:45True choice.
00:59:47And what takes you so long to show up?
00:59:49Come on, Clarence.
00:59:50I called you five times, nigga.
00:59:52Show up in three.
00:59:54You ain't even called me on the phone.
00:59:56Lucky I was walking by and heard y'all through the hole in this wall.
00:59:59Fix that shit.
01:00:00You shut your ass up.
01:00:02You need to go to a proctologist and get your skin looked at.
01:00:05Having acne over the age of 40 is wild work.
01:00:08I look better than this nigga.
01:00:10Maybe I'll miss out.
01:00:11Hey, ain't no time for beating.
01:00:12We about to be high as fuck.
01:00:13We gonna party, son.
01:00:18Help me out with me, y'all.
01:00:20Watch out for those faces.
01:00:22That's right.
01:00:22Wake up.
01:00:24Hey.
01:00:25Hey.
01:00:25I love it.
01:00:26Look at that.
01:00:27You look so good.
01:00:29You seen your sister?
01:00:32Ray, you seen Gay?
01:00:34I-I-I can't find her since she went to that protest.
01:00:37No.
01:00:40Ray, let me guess.
01:00:41You are Woody from Toy Story.
01:00:44Nah, Brenda, that's Gay.
01:00:46Jake Gyllenhaal from Brokeback Mountain.
01:00:49I wish I knew how to quit you, but I can't.
01:00:53You lie to that movie.
01:00:55Hey, Brenda.
01:00:57Huh?
01:00:57Have you seen my big old bag of candy?
01:00:59It had chocolates, gummies, lollipops.
01:01:02He is gonna miss it.
01:01:04No, no, no.
01:01:05It's not missing.
01:01:05I passed it out to the trick-or-treaters.
01:01:07Brenda, that's mustache.
01:01:21I'm so fucking hot.
01:01:27Woo-hoo.
01:01:29I can't feel my face.
01:01:32I can't feel my face.
01:01:33I can't feel my face.
01:01:34I'm on the snow of the ocean.
01:01:38Six seconds.
01:01:40Six seconds.
01:01:41Six seconds.
01:01:42Ah!
01:01:46Shit!
01:02:15Why is she looking at it?
01:02:19A little bit of stuff here. I'm fearful.
01:02:31Hey, hey!
01:02:38Hey! Do you know how many baby seals die from microplastics?
01:02:51Shit!
01:02:52Yes, God's face!
01:02:58My God! He stabbed her!
01:03:01Not her! My pronouns are they them. He stabbed them!
01:03:05I'm over 40. How am I supposed to keep up with all of this?
01:03:08She's not wrong.
01:03:10It's Karens like you that keep the patriarchy going with their knees on our necks.
01:03:15Now you're playing the race card? I have enough of her shit.
01:03:19They're shit, bitch!
01:03:23And to be clear, my real name is...
01:03:27Spirit!
01:03:28Oh, shit. This is too good.
01:03:30Ignore the insults. They don't realize we're here to help them.
01:03:34Toxic masculinity and mansplaining doesn't help anybody.
01:03:38Oh, it's my masculine and toxic!
01:03:41I love women in sports.
01:03:43Just not together.
01:03:44Come here, bitch.
01:03:46Let's go!
01:03:47We're next!
01:03:48We ain't ready for this!
01:03:49We're together!
01:03:50We're next!
01:03:51Fuck you!
01:03:52I'm so sorry!
01:03:56I'm so sorry!
01:03:58I'm so sorry!
01:03:58We're here!
01:04:03We're here!
01:04:03I'm here!
01:04:03Uncle Shorty!
01:04:04What's up, nephew?
01:04:05Can I ask you something?
01:04:08Yeah, sure!
01:04:10It's about, you know...
01:04:12How to go down on a girl.
01:04:15You talk about eating pussy?
01:04:17it's so cringe but yeah so maybe if you stop talking like a 14 year old white girl you can
01:04:22learn something all right so listen up first thing you gotta do you gotta you gotta spread
01:04:27your legs or open it up and you wanna use your fingers sometimes you can use two two fingers
01:04:33like that there yeah now once you get it all in there now you gotta use your tongue you can't
01:04:39be
01:04:39free no no no you're doing it too bad you gotta be gentle you gotta talk to it
01:04:56boom it's like rolling the blunt all you gotta do nothing
01:05:14I want to try something I thought you said you'd never let me pack you what no
01:05:26relax I just want to taste you okay dinner time oh yeah come here baby
01:05:41careful Mikey's gangster oh it is gangster okay
01:05:48slap you so hard you want some more yeah
01:05:55you feel so much better than Carolyn down
01:05:58get back in there yeah lick it yeah lick it
01:06:05finish her
01:06:06oh my god
01:06:14just like rolling a blunt
01:06:16oh my god
01:06:17I gotta do this hit it
01:06:21oh my god
01:06:23oh
01:06:26what the fuck
01:06:27hey there we heard tell of a halloween party
01:06:30you did now did you
01:06:32we're here to drink play bad music
01:06:34do some half gay shit
01:06:35why just half gay
01:06:38can I help you if you just invite us in
01:06:41why do you need an invitation
01:06:42why do you folks show up to parties
01:06:44uninvited all the time with them little nasty ass
01:06:46casseroles
01:06:47bland as shit y'all better stop using some loudly
01:06:50and why she got them dirty ass feet
01:06:52look like you was walking around porn sets all day
01:06:54got them trailer block toes
01:06:57I think you're in the wrong place
01:06:59y'all playing
01:07:02no we believe in music and equality
01:07:05how about we show y'all
01:07:06it's okay now
01:07:08well we're moving on up
01:07:11to the east side
01:07:13to a deluxe apartment
01:07:16in the sky high
01:07:18we're moving on up
01:07:20they gentrified the jeffersons
01:07:22wheezy's rolling around in her grave right now
01:07:25can't do this to the black national anthem
01:07:35boom
01:07:37boom
01:07:38boom
01:07:38boom y'all ass
01:07:38boom y'all ass
01:07:40get that bullshit out of here
01:07:41some shit
01:07:42why don't y'all just go to one of those frat parties
01:07:44where they drink until they black out
01:07:46and wake up with their booties hurting
01:07:47not knowing what someone in a cowboy hat did to them
01:07:50yeah
01:07:50what
01:07:52okay
01:07:52well
01:07:53we will leave you guys alone
01:07:54but we're gonna walk real slow
01:07:56just
01:07:56in case y'all change your minds
01:08:01change your minds yet
01:08:02no
01:08:03hell no
01:08:04how about now
01:08:05no
01:08:07yeah
01:08:07hell
01:08:08definitely not
01:08:08keep walking
01:08:09now get
01:08:10let's go
01:08:11Sarah
01:08:11Sarah come on
01:08:12these folks are getting weird
01:08:16guys I think I saw an open window over here
01:08:19that window is closed
01:08:20not for a long time
01:08:22oh
01:08:28wicked
01:08:29come fuck and it is
01:08:31ahh
01:08:32Back, back, back to the home
01:08:34We can pay where you can take me home
01:08:36Back, back, back
01:08:38Hey, Tuesday!
01:08:41You came back!
01:08:42Yeah, I left my inhaler.
01:08:44Honestly, Tuesday, I thought inhaler
01:08:46was the worst pot device in every history.
01:08:48That's true. Should have been in faith.
01:08:49But we're here now, so let's make the most of it
01:08:52and wear the white closet!
01:08:55Woo!
01:08:59Sarah?
01:09:00Hello. Get your sister
01:09:02and get out of there right now.
01:09:04Okay, hon?
01:09:05I am a grown-ass woman.
01:09:07Mother, I don't have to do anything you're telling me to do.
01:09:10That's the house where your psychopath
01:09:11killed those people.
01:09:13Someone wanted to get you there.
01:09:15Which means
01:09:16someone wants to get me there.
01:09:19Oh my god, this isn't about you!
01:09:21Why are you going?
01:09:22You are so fucking far away!
01:09:25Wait, hold on.
01:09:26Are you tracking my phone?
01:09:28Shh, you're breaking up.
01:09:29Yeah, shh.
01:09:37Happy birthday!
01:09:40What the fuck?
01:09:45What the fuck?
01:09:47What the fuck?
01:09:48Help!
01:09:49I'm sorry.
01:09:50I thought I was supposed to smoke it.
01:09:54Oh shit.
01:09:54Get out!
01:09:55Ah!
01:09:56Oh!
01:09:59Seriously?
01:09:59With the 12 Years of Slave shit?
01:10:01Whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:10:02I didn't see that movie, okay?
01:10:04I just found this thing in the shed.
01:10:06Jesus.
01:10:13Come on, bro.
01:10:14That's even worse.
01:10:17I didn't mean it that way.
01:10:19Some of my best victims are black.
01:10:24And another brother falls victim to gun violence.
01:10:28Turns out race is still an issue.
01:10:31That's not fair.
01:10:32You know, black guys usually die first in horror movies.
01:10:37Yeah!
01:10:39Just get a whole new meeting at the dead by daylight.
01:10:41Ah!
01:10:42Yeah.
01:10:44Oh!
01:10:45Get him.
01:10:46Oh!
01:10:47Goofy ass out of here.
01:10:49Oh!
01:10:51Oh!
01:10:52Oh, shorty.
01:10:53Oh-oh! Get him, nigga!
01:10:57Shut the silly ass!
01:10:59You're about to be high.
01:11:00Fuck!
01:11:04Damn it!
01:11:06I'm here, sir!
01:11:10Bro, why you running backwards, son?
01:11:12Oh, no, it's not me. Something's wrong.
01:11:15Nigga, you're on a motor's upside down.
01:11:17You're fucking high, son.
01:11:19Game off, bitly.
01:11:22Oh, thank God.
01:11:24No!
01:11:26Oh, nigga!
01:11:27Black Lives Matter!
01:11:28It's not you, shorty!
01:11:30Oh, my... I hate you!
01:11:31Whoa, what's going on?
01:11:32Oh, death!
01:11:33Oh, thank God you're here! Where were you?
01:11:36Uh...
01:11:36Ghostface was just here!
01:11:37I was just outside getting some fresh air.
01:11:40Stop!
01:11:42One of you is the killer.
01:11:45Well?
01:11:46Why do you have blood on your hands?
01:11:50I found Brad outside.
01:11:52She's the killer!
01:11:54I am NOT the killer.
01:11:56I'm not even sex positive.
01:11:58I'm a virgin.
01:12:00No way.
01:12:01You're being like every dude in Woodsville.
01:12:03Fuck you.
01:12:06The butt doesn't count.
01:12:07The ass Vince!
01:12:09The ass!
01:12:11The ass!
01:12:12The ass!
01:12:13Welcome...
01:12:13to Act Three, bitches.
01:12:17What?
01:12:19What does that even mean?
01:12:22It's...
01:12:23when the shit goes down.
01:12:24Oh.
01:12:25I still don't really know what she means
01:12:27but I think we should...
01:12:28RUN!
01:12:30I swear!
01:12:31Oh!
01:12:38Oh!
01:12:43Oh!
01:12:46Oh!
01:12:47Brenda!
01:12:48Brenda ain't gonna shoot!
01:12:50This takes a while!
01:12:52I'm blaming on video games.
01:12:54Not to lick her or lack of parental supervision.
01:12:56You're gonna need this.
01:12:58Do you have one bigger and black?
01:13:00Oh, right back.
01:13:03Oh!
01:13:04Who are you?
01:13:05John Wick?
01:13:06I would've said ballerina, but nobody saw that shit.
01:13:09Let's do this.
01:13:10Oh, okay.
01:13:14No!
01:13:16Tommy!
01:13:17I just would not make it even believe that!
01:13:20What do you think?
01:13:22I think Drake lost to Kendrick.
01:13:24I still like Drake!
01:13:25Well, what would that love to?
01:13:27That's such a bitch-ass move.
01:13:28Who?
01:13:29About this situation.
01:13:31Oh!
01:13:32That's definitely a trap.
01:13:33She don't know where we've already been here, doesn't it?
01:13:36Oh!
01:13:36Oh!
01:13:39Oh!
01:13:39Cindy!
01:13:41Hi!
01:13:43Is that gonna make it?
01:13:45Hi, darling.
01:13:45Oh!
01:13:46Oh, God!
01:13:46Cindy!
01:13:47Oh, God!
01:13:49Bitch!
01:13:49I'm not dead yet!
01:13:51Oh, my bad.
01:13:53I'm sorry.
01:13:53Now you go back in there.
01:13:55Finish it.
01:13:57For me, Cindy!
01:13:58I would do anything for you, Brenda.
01:14:06Yes!
01:14:06Yes!
01:14:07She bought it!
01:14:08That old catch-up trick!
01:14:09It don't fail!
01:14:10That bitch is crazy if she thought I was taking my black ass back in there!
01:14:18Attention all killers!
01:14:19You have five seconds to show yourselves!
01:14:35Shorty!
01:14:36Bitch!
01:14:37You shot my favorite phone!
01:14:40Go find your old damn closet!
01:14:42Sorry!
01:14:52Hello, Cindy.
01:14:55Hello.
01:14:56Looks like you forgot the first rule of surviving a horror movie.
01:15:00Never answer the phone.
01:15:03I thought the first rule was never trust the love interest.
01:15:08Really?
01:15:09Well, I'm changing rules.
01:15:11How about that?
01:15:12New rule.
01:15:14Go fuck yourself.
01:15:16Wait!
01:15:16Wait!
01:15:18Oh!
01:15:19Why are you wearing closets so much?
01:15:21I told you to come out.
01:15:22Yeah, well, I didn't want to get shot!
01:15:25Ironic, isn't it?
01:15:27You missed me, bitch!
01:15:29Oh, God!
01:15:30It's Mooseface!
01:15:31Didn't tell you.
01:15:33Give me your damn wick!
01:15:35I might have killed your dog!
01:15:41The dog is just a metaphor.
01:15:43It was about losing his wife!
01:15:45Are you sure it's not an hour, Cory?
01:15:58Let us begin.
01:16:00Let us begin.
01:16:03We're not!
01:16:05We're not!
01:16:07Oh, no!
01:16:09No!
01:16:12Oh!
01:16:13No!
01:16:13No!
01:16:15No!
01:16:16No!
01:16:21Oh!
01:16:22No!
01:16:24No!
01:16:28No!
01:16:29No!
01:16:30No!
01:16:45Oh, my God.
01:17:05Eat a dick.
01:17:17Shoot him, Sarah. End this.
01:17:20Don't tell me what to do.
01:17:21This isn't the best time to resolve our mommy-daughter issues, but...
01:17:27Sarah, I am so sorry. I have been a terrible mother.
01:17:30I don't even know your sister Wednesday, Tuesday.
01:17:34I have to clarify that for legal reasons.
01:17:37But I prepared you for this.
01:17:39So go on, baby. You kill him.
01:17:43Sarah!
01:17:44Jack!
01:17:44Sarah!
01:17:45Jack!
01:17:46Sarah!
01:17:47Jack!
01:17:48Sarah!
01:17:48Jack!
01:17:49Sarah!
01:17:49Jack!
01:17:50Thank God you're okay, because I really wanted to be the one who...
01:17:55Take it, babe.
01:17:58See, I told you it was about me.
01:18:00No, Sarah.
01:18:03You were just a bitch.
01:18:05It's about her.
01:18:07Fuck!
01:18:08Oh, sorry, honey. I hate being right.
01:18:11You should have listened to Doofy.
01:18:13The love interest.
01:18:16It just seems too obvious, you know?
01:18:19Which makes you think it is not obvious, same page I am.
01:18:22Right?
01:18:23Yeah, well, that's the twist.
01:18:25Now get in the kitchen. Go!
01:18:27Hey, don't...
01:18:27Okay, listen up!
01:18:30See, there hasn't been a great horror movie since the first one.
01:18:35We're going to save the franchise.
01:18:37Go get our special guest star.
01:18:41Hollywood!
01:18:42Out of ideas!
01:18:43Why else would there be a Scary Movie 6?
01:18:46But it wouldn't work with just the new characters, would it?
01:18:48We need the legacy characters.
01:18:51Oh, and there wouldn't be a Cindy without her sassy black sidekick, Brenda.
01:18:56You ain't have to say black with no hard B like that.
01:19:00Brenda, didn't you get shot?
01:19:03Dara?
01:19:04Oh, wait, I did!
01:19:06Oh, look!
01:19:07That didn't heal me!
01:19:08Oh! What did I do?
01:19:10Stop dancing!
01:19:11Stop dancing!
01:19:12Everybody stop dancing!
01:19:14Oh, no!
01:19:15Mom!
01:19:16No!
01:19:18You called me Mom!
01:19:20You care about me?
01:19:23Well, I wouldn't go that far, but I didn't.
01:19:25Sure.
01:19:26Go get Tuesday!
01:19:27Okay, ladies.
01:19:28Time to stage the party!
01:19:31Let's go, let's go, let's go!
01:19:35What? Who are you people?
01:19:36We're the motherfuckers that are taking over this franchise.
01:19:40Oh, yeah?
01:19:41Oh, King!
01:19:42Oh, my God!
01:19:43That was not part of the playoff!
01:19:46Oh, God!
01:19:47Oh, God!
01:19:48Oh, God!
01:19:48Neither was this.
01:19:50Oh!
01:19:54Oh!
01:19:54I got one of those!
01:19:55Woo!
01:19:56Hot damn!
01:19:59Anthony Anderson!
01:20:01Yeah!
01:20:02And I brought my boy Kevin Hart with me!
01:20:12What?
01:20:13Shot?
01:20:14That's right.
01:20:15On my knees, I'm the same height as Kevin.
01:20:17And Kevin said no.
01:20:19Kevin Hart said no?
01:20:20That little motherfucker says yes to everything.
01:20:22Yeah, he does.
01:20:23But wait.
01:20:25There's more.
01:20:27Shut up, bitches!
01:20:31Wait!
01:20:32Shorty!
01:20:33Yeah, that's right.
01:20:35Four black killers.
01:20:37Yeah.
01:20:38We're making history.
01:20:39It's a new definition of black excellence.
01:20:43But why would you do this?
01:20:45Question is, why would you try to make a sequel without us, huh?
01:20:49Yeah, when the studio wanted to replace these brothers, I was there.
01:20:54That's facts.
01:20:55What about me?
01:20:56What about you?
01:20:57You were in one scene in part four.
01:21:00Yes, but I made that motherfucker Dr. Phil cut his foot off.
01:21:03And he crazy, Nate.
01:21:04Yeah, he got weird.
01:21:05But you see what they trying to do?
01:21:07They trying to pit us all up against each other.
01:21:10They trying to start black on very black crime.
01:21:12That's right.
01:21:14Yo, Shaq, hey, I'm proud of you, bro.
01:21:16You've had an amazing career as a sports commentator since retiring from basketball.
01:21:21Mm-hmm.
01:21:21And I love the big podcast, nigga.
01:21:23I love that shit.
01:21:25Even though I don't understand the words you be saying, you be on that show and tell me,
01:21:28I'll be right back, man.
01:21:30I'll be right back, man.
01:21:31I'll be right back, man.
01:21:33Kobe.
01:21:33Enough.
01:21:34But my point is, nigga, I love your shit.
01:21:39But I never got over Kazam.
01:21:43Hey, get your big ass off you.
01:21:46Why, baby, that movie, too?
01:21:47Why, you think the ladies, you and Kobe would have had nine flicks?
01:21:52That motherfucker traded me.
01:21:53Shaquille!
01:21:54How big is your dick?
01:21:5722.
01:21:58Then how big is your dick?
01:22:01Whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:22:02Hose.
01:22:03What the fuck you talking about?
01:22:04I'm doing it for the culture.
01:22:05What culture?
01:22:07Culture club.
01:22:08Uh-oh.
01:22:09Come on, Ray, we're killing people.
01:22:10Stay focused.
01:22:11All right, all right.
01:22:11We back.
01:22:13Hey, Ed, don't you worry.
01:22:15We family.
01:22:16Ed, mad respect.
01:22:18Hey, black is nominated for eight Emmys.
01:22:21My nigga.
01:22:22Well, actually, the show was only nominated for five.
01:22:25I was nominated for eight.
01:22:27Oh, wow.
01:22:28Hey, everyone, people are besties.
01:22:31Oh, people are nominated.
01:22:33Hey, Greg.
01:22:34Yeah.
01:22:37But you never won.
01:22:38What?
01:22:39It's all.
01:22:40And you said nothing Spanish to me, motherfuckers.
01:22:44This is for doing scary movies playing for.
01:22:47I didn't know they fired the family.
01:22:49And this is for copying our Good Times episode on Slackage.
01:22:54But you guys were on the WB.
01:22:56Nobody saw that shit.
01:23:01No, no, no.
01:23:02And you, and you, y'all went and did scary movies three and four without us.
01:23:07Nigga, I'm sorry.
01:23:08They offered me so much money.
01:23:10I got a new house, a new car.
01:23:12I got wings that don't itch.
01:23:14What about you?
01:23:16Well, I had a chance to work with the incomparable Charlie Shane.
01:23:23That's good.
01:23:24He's a legend.
01:23:25And his dick game is crazy.
01:23:27You know, he slept with 47,000 women and 1,000 of them women were dudes.
01:23:32Lucky guy.
01:23:34Wait.
01:23:35So y'all gonna kill us now?
01:23:39Nah.
01:23:41I don't want Halloween be without Jamie Lee Curtis.
01:23:43Or Scream be without Nev Campbell.
01:23:46That would be Scream 6.
01:23:47How did you guys pull all of this off?
01:23:50Sandy.
01:23:51You know how many wings is there off?
01:23:54Nigga, billions.
01:23:56Billions.
01:23:57I'm just so happy that the old gang is back together.
01:24:00Okay.
01:24:01In the middle.
01:24:02On three.
01:24:03Core four.
01:24:04Oh, nah, nah.
01:24:06That's core.
01:24:07That's why.
01:24:08What about the young and the restless?
01:24:12Yeah, or the old and then the beautiful.
01:24:15Or the cute and the crusty.
01:24:18Yeah, or the sexy and then the scenery.
01:24:26We were brought in to take over the franchise.
01:24:29That's right.
01:24:30I mean, you guys are like 70 years old.
01:24:37I just dragged that one from a subway.
01:24:39Oh, my back hurts.
01:24:41Guys.
01:24:42Guys.
01:24:43They're already dead.
01:24:45Nah.
01:24:45Little fuckers always come back.
01:24:47Oh, no.
01:24:48Not this time.
01:24:49Exactly.
01:24:50Come on, man.
01:24:50Let's go.
01:24:51Let's go.
01:24:51We got to manage.
01:24:53That's right.
01:24:54That's right.
01:24:55Next generation, my man.
01:24:57Wait.
01:24:57Get out of here.
01:24:58Let's go.
01:25:04Go.
01:25:07Go.
01:25:08Go.
01:25:09Go.
01:25:11Go.
01:25:12Go.
01:25:12Go.
01:25:12Go.
01:25:18Do you feel bad?
01:25:20I mean, those are our kids.
01:25:21Fuck those kids.
01:25:23Go.
01:25:24This is our franchise.
01:25:25Besides, we can do all these dramatic walk-aways with a biome back to us.
01:25:30Damn, it's hot.
01:25:31I don't know.
01:25:32I kind of like it.
01:25:35You do, Ray?
01:25:36We should play a biome.
01:25:37You want to dress up like a biome?
01:25:39No, I want you to dress up like a biome.
01:25:42Y'all feel a dram.
01:25:44Bigger than ever, we back!
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