- 20 minutes ago
Bad Thoughts - Season 2 Episode 2
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00:10You never even try to understand me I'm sorry I don't have the perfect life like you do.
00:15You think my life is perfect. That just goes to show what you understand.
00:19You have it so easy, sweetie.
00:22Easy? You couldn't last one day living my life.
00:25Are you kidding? Your life would be a vacation!
00:55I'm so old! How did this happen?
00:59Oh, my God. They're so sweet.
00:59much skin. I cannot believe that this is real. So let me get this straight. You guys had a fight
01:05about how you don't understand each other and then you went to sleep and now. I'm her and she's me.
01:12Wait. Ow. Why does my wrist hurt? Oh that's my arthritis. Oh honey I'm sorry. Right? You can feel
01:20her arthritis? Yes. That's remarkable. Oh my goodness. I mean you're allergic to shellfish.
01:27Does that mean you can have lobster now? I don't know. And will you dream about her experiences?
01:39And if I you know with you would that be with her? What are you talking about Bill? Baby I'm
01:48a systems
01:48analyst. I'm just thinking about all that. You know what forget I said anything. Okay. Well we have to
01:54fix this mom. My final audition for Juilliard is tonight. If I don't go I'll never play violin
01:59professionally. Oh my god. Okay but seriously how would this work if we were really trying to figure
02:05it out? If you are her and you are her then hypothetically who would I choose if I had to
02:15do if it was like a life or death scenario? Because I'm trying to figure out who it would make
02:22more
02:22sense to you know? To have sex with? What? Hey! Don't say that in front of Kelly or Nancy. You
02:31see what I? This is so confusing. Just forget I said anything. Keep doing what you were doing. Okay. We'll
02:36try. Back to what actually matters.
02:38But but but I don't think I should have sex with you. Jesus. Because while you are my wife's body
02:44my daughter is inside and no thank you. Ew. What the hell? Ew. What? I thought I thought we were
02:52all trying to figure out the rules of this magical event. Am I not? All right. Let's just move on.
02:57My bad. Okay honey honey honey. Will you will you at least try to teach me? Teach you how to
03:03play Tchaikovsky in a day? Are you crazy?
03:05I'm not trying to fuck my daughter. For the record. What? Is that not a good thing? That I want
03:12to not fuck my daughter? That's great Bill. Great wish granted. Are you ready to move on? Yes. You can
03:20see why it's confusing right? But honestly we'll just we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Why would
03:27we ever get to that bridge dad? We won't. We absolutely won't. Assuming everything goes back to the way it
03:35was.
03:35But when will that be? It could be days. It could be months. It could be years. It's been three
03:40minutes dad. Trying to stay ahead of it. Okay will you just stop talking about fucking us? Honey. She's not
03:47new to sex. She's been seeing that Jeff Hinkle kid for a while now. And I found a used condom
03:53in the trash. Oh my god dad. Don't go through my shit. Okay. I'm sorry. God. Wait. What about my
03:59presentation? Oh. I mean I love you. But there is zero chance that you're going to be able to explain
04:04to the nationality.
04:05grocery chain the financial upside of putting Smucker's jelly on their end caps. What? I'm gonna get fired. Blowjobs are
04:12off the table. What the fuck? Off the table. But don't you agree? I can't look down and see my
04:18wiener in my daughter's mouth. Oh Megan stop. Oh my god. Geez Louise.
04:23Louise. I'm trying to tell you. No blowjobs. I'm not doing it. At least not now. Maybe after some time
04:33we'll all feel differently and we can reconvene them. God can you just get the fuck out of here dad?
04:38Okay. I can take a hint. I'm gonna go upstairs. See if the cat's fed. You ladies. Do your thing.
04:45Okay. Wait. I know what we can do. You do? I'm gonna go to the presentation. But I'll just put
04:51my hair down. Like this. And I'll hide an air pod in my ear. And you just tell me what
04:55to say.
04:56That's actually great. Yes. Oh wow. Why did my daughter become so brilliant? Maybe you just had to look a
05:04little harder. Threesome in the dark. I figured it out. I do my best thinking on the stairs. Think about
05:11it. Threesome in the dark. Right? I won't know whose mouth or hands are touching what or doing what. You
05:17stay quiet. It's perfect. Threesome in the dark.
05:22Threesome in the dark. All right. We'll talk about it later. Just process it.
05:28Mom? Seriously? I cannot believe how you put up with that fucking disgusting pig. How do you even get through
05:36each day? Let alone prepare for a presentation?
05:39Me? I mean I can't believe you've turned out relatively normal with that lunatic as your father. I mean any
05:47other girl would be in a ditch with 20 needles sticking out of her arms.
05:51I guess I never really understood how hard it was to be you. I think that makes two of us.
06:00What? What? I'm me! Mom! Mom! I'm me!
06:07Thank God. Thank God. I can still do my audition.
06:11And I can get ready for my presentation.
06:13I love you. I love you.
06:15I love you.
06:15Good luck. Good luck. Mom, thank you.
06:17Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What's happening?
06:24Why am I in this old man's body?
06:28Hey, bae. It's me, your boyfriend. Jeff Hinkle.
06:33Ew.
06:44Good morning, everybody.
06:46The Lord has blessed us with another beautiful day
06:49for y'all to give thanks to me, Master Murphy,
06:53for giving you the opportunity to actually do some work
06:56and do something productive with your life
06:59instead of acting like every day is a vacation.
07:02So you can rid yourself of the devil's grip on your loins
07:07and actually do some digging and hauling and work for me.
07:12In Jesus' name, amen.
07:15That's a good prayer.
07:18Get your ass back to work now.
07:20You know what?
07:21I might need to get me my money back.
07:24Ain't nothing worse than a slave who can't churn butter.
07:28Me and my family have been eating dry toast for a month.
07:31Ha! That's nothing.
07:33My house been chilly for weeks
07:35because none of my Negroes can chop wood
07:37to save their goddamn lives.
07:40Yeah.
07:41Well, that ain't shit.
07:44No matter what I do,
07:46no matter what I try,
07:48mine just keep rearranging my furniture.
07:52Started with the chair,
07:54then my chiffer robe was there.
07:58Next, it's the whole goddamn parlor
08:01saying the color palette clashes with the drapes.
08:04How fucking dare he?
08:09Yeah.
08:10Uh, oh.
08:13I almost forgot.
08:15Well, the other morning,
08:15I walked into my kitchen.
08:17One of my little gibbety bugs
08:19had the audacity
08:20to be singing one of his little songs in my house.
08:23One of his, uh, spirituals, uh, amazing, uh...
08:26Amazing Grace.
08:27That's the one.
08:28Amazing Bullshit.
08:30Mm-hmm.
08:30That and the daddy song.
08:35The daddy song?
08:37The daddy song.
08:41No.
08:42You know the goddamn daddy song.
08:45Where they take you out there by the water
08:47with the picnic
08:48and they spin around
08:49and they start doing the, you know...
08:52You are my daddy.
08:55I love my daddy.
08:57It's all for you
08:59cause you're my daddy.
09:01I love all you
09:03cause you're my daddy.
09:05It's all for you
09:08cause you're my baby.
09:11You are my baby.
09:13I love my daddy.
09:15I mean, goddamn.
09:17How much do you love your daddy
09:18and make a whole goddamn song about him like that?
09:20I guess it's kind of nice,
09:22but all day long,
09:23I don't have time for this shit.
09:25I mean, I enjoy his company,
09:27but it's too much of a commitment.
09:29You know?
09:32Okay.
09:33Yeah.
09:35Um...
09:36Oh!
09:36Y'all not gonna believe this.
09:39One of them cold crawlers
09:41had the gall to top back to me.
09:43Boy, I cracked that whip so hard
09:46they hurt it all the way down in Biloxi.
09:48Oh, I know all about that.
09:51I whipped one of mine so hard
09:53the boy started moaning.
09:54Oh, fuck, yeah.
10:00Moaning?
10:01Mm-hmm, yeah.
10:03Moaning like how?
10:06Sort of like.
10:14Oh, yeah.
10:16Oh, I'm close, daddy.
10:20Can you give me one more?
10:21Ooh, yeah.
10:25I like that.
10:27I've been bad for you today.
10:31Oh, oh, oh.
10:35Oh, oh.
10:37Oh, please.
10:39Please.
10:40One more.
10:41One more so I can release.
10:44Oh.
10:45Oh, you know?
10:47Like that.
10:51I whipped him so hard
10:52the boy's nut hit the floor.
10:55His seed hit the floor.
10:58He came on the floor.
11:00No, no, no.
11:00We heard you, Murphy.
11:03All your boys be doing this?
11:06No, just one of them.
11:10Hey, uh, you ever think
11:12that maybe...
11:14Ah, never mind.
11:17What?
11:19Murphy, uh, I think your boy
11:22might be a little sweet.
11:26Sweet?
11:28Like how?
11:31I ain't no doctor,
11:33but I have heard that sometimes
11:35men can prefer the company
11:37of other men.
11:41I prefer the company
11:42of other men.
11:43No one hates women
11:44as much as me.
11:45No, no, I don't think
11:46that's what he means, Murphy.
11:48I'm saying I think your boy
11:50may favor menfolk
11:51for his fornications.
11:53You got yourself
11:54a fella-fucker.
11:56Murphy,
11:58think long and hard.
12:00Have you noticed
12:02anything else funny?
12:05No, no, I don't think so.
12:08Mmm, so warm.
12:10Your hands are so soft
12:11for a man.
12:13Scrub my hole now.
12:14Any funny business
12:15with your daughter?
12:17My daughter?
12:18And if she ever
12:19show her face,
12:20you best know
12:21I'm gonna say something.
12:22Ooh, girl, stop.
12:24You crazy.
12:26Just a little bit.
12:27She looks like a pretty horse.
12:29Hi, Daddy.
12:30No, but she's kind of fat anyway.
12:31I don't think Negroes
12:34enjoy the company
12:35of heavyset white women.
12:37Right?
12:37My goodness.
12:38This is lovely.
12:40You made this?
12:41I made it for you.
12:42I feel like prancing.
12:44I'm not sure on the marble.
12:45It's between the Calcutta
12:47and the Damby for me.
12:49I prefer the Damby.
12:50It's local.
12:51Vermont.
12:52I love that.
12:53What the hell
12:54is an open floor plan?
12:55I know you sure
12:57as hell don't know.
12:58What?
12:59Relax.
13:00Okay.
13:01You, for one,
13:02do not tell me
13:03when to relax.
13:04I relax
13:05when I wanna relax.
13:08I'm going to relax.
13:09I mean,
13:10I think it's pretty
13:11cut and dry, Murphy.
13:12The boy
13:14ejaculated
13:14when you whipped him.
13:16I think Murphy's
13:17got himself
13:18a boyfriend.
13:21No, I don't.
13:21His moondonkey's
13:23a sugar foot.
13:25That's not true.
13:26Y'all are sitting around
13:27reading poetry
13:28to each other
13:28by candlelight.
13:30I like poetry.
13:31I bet you do.
13:33Y'all read
13:33the same books
13:34and talking about
13:35what's in the books.
13:37He's a domestic
13:39officer.
13:41You are a
13:42dumb motherfucker.
13:45Here are your papers.
13:46Now take your shit
13:47and get your
13:48fella fucking ass
13:49up and on.
13:50I don't want
13:51no part of this business.
13:52Baby,
13:53I don't want
13:54to be free
13:55if it means
13:55I can't be
13:56with you no more.
13:58Peace, baby.
13:59No.
14:00Gross.
14:01Everybody
14:02made fun of me
14:03and they laughed
14:04and they called me
14:05the doggy diddler.
14:06I thought
14:07we were friends.
14:08Jerry and Thomas,
14:09they think I'm sweet.
14:10I ain't sweet.
14:11I hate everybody.
14:12And you was
14:13the only friend
14:13I ever had
14:14and I hate you too.
14:16You think I like that?
14:17I don't.
14:17And I ain't no diddler.
14:19So take your ass
14:20and go up north
14:21where they diddle
14:22all day.
14:22Go.
14:23Shoot.
14:24Get out of here.
14:25Get.
14:26Go diddle up north,
14:27you hear?
14:28Yankees love that shit.
14:30Take your ass
14:31off.
14:32Go.
14:33And another man
14:34to use that hole?
14:43What a dumb motherfucker.
14:47I can't believe
14:48that shit worked.
14:49Virgil, a goddamn genius.
14:52Come on, baby.
14:53Okay.
14:54I'm gonna take
14:55your big ass
14:55up north with me.
14:56Anything you say,
14:57chocolate daddy.
15:03Hey, Master Murphy.
15:06Oh, really?
15:07You think this is funny, huh?
15:08How about you bend over
15:09and you stick your pole
15:11into his dirt hole
15:13and let's see what happens.
15:16That's what I fucking thought.
15:18Get your ass back to work.
15:19Come on.
15:20What is that?
15:20Come on, man.
15:21Dog, you ain't commit, bro.
15:22We said we was little kids.
15:31It's always the same shit,
15:33you know?
15:33Like, it's people
15:34who are just deciding
15:35that they're upset
15:36for whatever reason.
15:37I have no idea.
15:38And I don't think
15:39I've done anything
15:40to elicit that response.
15:41I'm just the one
15:42who happens to be caught
15:43in the moment
15:44when somebody is there
15:46trying to explode
15:47or vent their own frustrations
15:49about their own lives
15:50on me.
15:50I think it's bullshit,
15:51you know?
15:52Okay.
15:52I hear you.
15:54Can you pinpoint
15:55a recent moment
15:56where you lost control?
15:58I didn't lose control.
16:00I was provoked.
16:01You said this incident
16:03has been sitting with you.
16:04Because it's the same
16:05thing every day.
16:07Different face.
16:08Same entitled rich guy.
16:11Why don't you take me
16:12through what happened?
16:15Gladly.
16:16Sure.
16:21Hi, how's it going?
16:22Hello, you poor old bitch.
16:24No.
16:25That bag is not
16:26going on my plane.
16:27Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
16:29And I apologize in advance
16:30for the inconvenience,
16:31but we are gonna have
16:32to check your carry-on,
16:33motherfucker.
16:34She zeroed in on me
16:35like she's been waiting
16:36all day for this motherfucker.
16:38He didn't hear a word
16:39I said after no.
16:40I'm sorry,
16:41I don't understand.
16:42I've carried this luggage
16:43onto planes dozens of times.
16:45This is preposterous.
16:47How dare you be
16:48so ignorant and rude?
16:50Get your fat,
16:51fucking,
16:52bald,
16:52white ass
16:53out of my fucking face,
16:54you fucking fat bitch boy.
16:56Again,
16:57I'm so sorry, sir,
16:58but due to weight
16:59and balance limits,
17:00we do need to check your bag
17:01so the plane
17:02can take off safely.
17:03Is your Chinese ass
17:04really going to do this
17:05right now?
17:05And I don't understand.
17:07Is your Chinese ass
17:09really gonna do this
17:10right now?
17:10I'm sorry, sir.
17:11It's really not up to me.
17:13Also, I'm Korean.
17:15I'm Korean, motherfucker.
17:17Korean.
17:18You ever hear of it?
17:19Now,
17:19unless you got a smaller bag
17:21inside that big ass bag,
17:23I don't know what the fuck
17:23we are talking about.
17:24Do you?
17:25You have a smaller bag
17:26in that giant ass bag?
17:28Let's check it out.
17:29Move over, bitch tits.
17:30Let's check it out.
17:31Let's check it out.
17:32If there is actually
17:33a smaller bag
17:34inside this big ass bag,
17:36I don't think
17:37they're gonna be.
17:38Oh, no.
17:39My name is Tom Segura.
17:40I'm at the airport.
17:42No, I do see.
17:43And this vicious woman
17:44is violating my personal space.
17:47Man like asshole to me.
17:50I'm gonna put this on Twitter.
17:52And if you take one more step,
17:54you will lose your job.
17:58Sir, please.
17:59It's for the safety
18:00of the other passengers.
18:02Please.
18:02Okay, you know what?
18:03You see a smaller bag in here.
18:05Ray.
18:05You see what?
18:06Do you, bitch boy?
18:07Do you?
18:08I don't.
18:09I didn't think so.
18:10I feel violated.
18:12Fuck you, you're a piece of shit.
18:15I see.
18:17So if you...
18:18Oh, no.
18:19She wasn't done.
18:20She kept crowing at me
18:21like a fucking bird.
18:22This piece of shit?
18:23Like a shitty bird
18:23with a shitty voice, you know?
18:25It was just getting started.
18:26The ones you shoot.
18:27I don't know.
18:29Ma'am,
18:30I need you to speak English
18:32because if I'm being transparent right now,
18:35nothing you are saying
18:36is making any sense to me.
18:42Of course, sir.
18:43I can slow it down.
18:45Stop crying, you bitch boy!
18:48Is that in your dialect?
18:49Is that slow enough for you?
18:51I'm guessing it's a South Pacific one.
18:53Are you crying?
18:54That's nice.
18:55Oh, you cry.
18:55Oh, this is so sad for you.
18:57Oh, everybody check it out.
18:59Check out.
18:59You know I'm rich.
19:00Oh, you bastard.
19:02Oh, you bastard.
19:03Oh, you bastard.
19:03Oh, you're crying, bitch boy.
19:05Oh, I need my mommy.
19:06I need to suck up my mommy.
19:08I'm in boat shoes, you philistine.
19:10I'm not crying.
19:11The funniest thing to happen to me
19:13since my second abortion.
19:16And how did that make you feel?
19:18Bad.
19:19And what did you want in that moment?
19:22To not be treated like a problem
19:24for following the rules?
19:26Doing my job?
19:27Okay, I get that.
19:29So after talking this all out,
19:31how do you think the other person may have felt?
19:41You think you're better than me?
19:44I'm the white devil.
19:47Remember during COVID
19:48when everyone was shitting all over Asian people?
19:51Blaming it on you guys?
19:52That wasn't me.
19:52I didn't do that.
19:53I went to a march.
19:54And I posted.
19:55I posted a yellow square.
19:57I know, sir.
19:59Thank you for flying Delta.
20:01Okay.
20:02That's our time.
20:04So how are you feeling right now as we end?
20:07Whatever.
20:09Fine.
20:10I wish these sessions were longer.
20:13Can't believe this shit's $400 an hour.
20:19What a fucking baby.
20:21What a little bitch.
20:24Next!
20:26Hi.
20:27Hi.
20:27Hi.
20:28I was just wondering,
20:28are they serving a meal on this flight?
20:30Yes, for first class passengers.
20:32Great.
20:32Yeah.
20:33Thanks.
20:34Oh, um, I'm sorry, sir.
20:36We're gonna need to check your bag.
20:38Really?
20:39Yeah.
20:41Are you sure?
20:42I always travel with this.
20:44You can just leave it there.
20:45I'll take care of it.
20:46Okay.
20:47Thanks.
20:48Thanks.
20:50Thanks.
20:50Thanks.
20:51Thanks.
20:54Thanks.
20:54This is for you, I love my daddy.
20:59It's all for you, cause you're my daddy.
21:06This is for you, I love my daddy.
21:12It's all for you, cause you're my daddy.
21:30This is for you, cause you're my daddy.
21:39Do you like it?
21:48I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love
21:49you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I
21:49love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
21:49I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love
21:49you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I
21:49love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
21:49I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love
21:49you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I
21:49love you, I love you, I
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