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7 Days - Season 18 - Episode 01: Thursday February 19
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00:22Welcome to a brand spanking new season of 7 Days.
00:26I'm your brand spanking same host Jeremy Corbett
00:28and joining me are a brand spanks-wearing collection of comics
00:31hell-bent on laughing in the face of most chat-worthy news of the week.
00:36Let's meet them, shall we?
00:37The leader of Team 1 was the youngest Billy T Award winner ever.
00:40So young, even got invited to Epstein's Island.
00:42It's Rhys Mathewson.
00:45Thank you, Jeremy.
00:46And it was a pleasure to see you there.
00:50We have got a great Team 1 this evening.
00:52They are the prom king and queen of GloriaVale 2015.
00:55It's Jack Nance and Rhys.
01:01Just to be clear, I was there for the catering.
01:04Over on Team 2, feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme, get on up.
01:08It's Henwood time.
01:09It's Diane Wood.
01:10Thank you very much, James.
01:12Pleasure to be here.
01:14Oh, namaste.
01:15On Team 2 tonight, we've basically got the Thelma and Louise of comedy,
01:19which I suppose makes me the Brad Pitt, but whatever.
01:22Whatever.
01:22Give it up for Abbie Howells and Justine Smith.
01:28All righty.
01:29Our first round for 2026 is Newsmakers.
01:32Why mess with perfection?
01:33This is where our comedians must decipher which news story or clip I provide is all about.
01:37And Team 1, you're up first.
01:39Why is this in the news?
01:40I haven't done it once.
01:42You can f***.
01:43You haven't done it once?
01:44I haven't done it once.
01:46Oh.
01:46Once.
01:47This is just a regular flat meeting about how we all need to empty the dishwasher.
01:52Is this razor trying to reapply for All Black's coats?
01:55I haven't done it.
01:56I haven't done it.
01:57I haven't done it.
01:58Well, based on the fact that he looks like he's curling, is it sex?
02:06That is the real answer.
02:08The Winter Olympics is heating up, Jeremy, because the Canadian Cold Lawn Bowls team have been accused of cheating.
02:14Yeah, well done, Team 1.
02:16The Winter Olympics have been rocked by a string of controversies, actually.
02:20You had crotch gait in the ski jumping, Team Canada.
02:22They're accused of cheating in the curling.
02:24And, of course, that Norwegian biathlete tearfully confessing to cheating on his girlfriend.
02:28Have you seen the biathlon?
02:30I don't know if you've seen it.
02:30That's where they ski and shoot rifles, which is all good when they do it.
02:33But when I show up to Snow Planet with a handgun, I'm apparently not an athlete.
02:40So what's crotch gait?
02:42Crotch gait is the big ski jump where they do the massive ski jump.
02:46They've been wearing looser uniforms or outfits, which gives them a more aerodynamic profile
02:52and keeps them in the air longer and gives them a longer jump.
02:55Why is it to do with the crotches?
02:56Because that's where they've got the extra material.
02:59Everyone has extra material there, don't they?
03:00Not me.
03:02Well, actually, the older you get, the more perfect you are for the long ski jump, I'm honest.
03:07Yuck!
03:10I hate to bring this back to curling.
03:13Yeah.
03:14Nice.
03:16Please do.
03:17But isn't curling itself cheating?
03:20Like, shouldn't they do it when the water's not frozen?
03:22That would be more impressive.
03:25Throwing a stone quick enough, skipping it across the water.
03:27Skipping a stone and then having to...
03:29I wouldn't do that on TV.
03:32No, I'm talking about the curling, not the penis.
03:37It annoys me too, because, you know, if you know there's going to be an event on the ice
03:40that day, clean it up before the end.
03:45There's a rush drop in the middle of it, it's like, we see you there, guys.
03:51Genuine question.
03:52If you fall and hurt yourself at the Winter Olympics, instead of putting you on ice, do
03:56they just leave you there?
03:59I like curling.
04:00Curling's a sport for people who are old enough to enjoy lawn bowls.
04:04But young enough to survive a slip on the ice?
04:06Yeah, that's right.
04:08It's one of those great sports in the Olympics you watch and think,
04:12I could still make that team.
04:15Yeah.
04:16I feel like there might be a bit more to it.
04:18It's a bit like saying you could do the luge,
04:20because you could sit in a toboggan going down an icy trail.
04:22Oh, yeah, the luge looks easy.
04:25Have you seen the one where they lie on top of each other?
04:27Yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:28I don't know if you're watching the luge.
04:31Oh, trust me, I am.
04:33How did that conversation start?
04:36Well, like, who's top and bottom?
04:38No, like, to go, hey, man, like, you haven't dripped?
04:41Do you want to lie on top of me and this hoon down the mountain together?
04:45And we'll put on real tight clothes.
04:48You know, just lie on top of me and we'll go real...
04:51It's like a hydra slide, but really dangerous,
04:54and we'll be in, like, real tight clothes.
04:55And just like...
04:57Don't worry if it's hard.
04:58I just objected it for you.
05:00That's right.
05:01You know, one of the worst mistakes I made as a young man
05:04was the first time I went snowboarding.
05:07We went up the mountain
05:09and there was a photographer there from a snowboarding magazine
05:12and I went up and told him that I was a pro snowboarder.
05:16And he went, sweet ass, hop on the chairlift
05:20and I'll take you to this jump and I'll take a photo of you.
05:23And so I went up there and I could skateboard,
05:26so I knew how to stand on it.
05:27And I just went fanging down the hill.
05:30Oh, God.
05:30And he sent me the photo.
05:32I'm completely upside down.
05:34Just before my head smacked into a rock.
05:38And then I got airlifted off the mountain.
05:43The photo is amazing.
05:46All right, any more for that?
05:48We'll move on.
05:49Over to you, team two.
05:50Have a look at this clip.
05:52Tell me what it's all about.
05:53That's a wonderful reputation to have.
05:55I'm very pleased to hear that news.
05:56Oh, it does...
05:57That's Bill Clinton with a Kiwi accent, isn't it?
06:00It does look like that.
06:01Wait, has he just...
06:02I know what he's proud of.
06:03He's the guy in the street that puts the bins out first
06:07so everyone knows what bin date is.
06:08Oh.
06:09I like to call them the binfluencer.
06:13God bless that person.
06:14I know, it's certainly not our house.
06:16Oh, is this about Hamilton becoming the new Wellington?
06:21Hamilton becoming the new Wellington?
06:23So, what, like, the new Wellington, like, culture or capital?
06:27No, capital.
06:28Aren't they thinking about...
06:29Am I right?
06:29I'm not even the team captain.
06:31You say it.
06:31OK.
06:36Hamilton is going to become the new capital of New Zealand?
06:41What is wrong with you?
06:43Did you hit your head while skiing?
06:46Yeah, you're right.
06:47Off the back of being voted New Zealand's safest city
06:49from natural disasters,
06:51there have been calls to move the politicians there
06:54and make Hamilton the capital of Aotearoa, New Zealand.
06:56Great way to bring down Hamilton's chlamydia numbers, isn't it?
06:59Bring in thousands of New Zealand's least f***able people.
07:05You're a Wellington boy,
07:06so you're probably a little patriotic for the capital's day.
07:09Well, what are you going to do with a beehive
07:10when it empties?
07:11Turn it into a chemist's warehouse.
07:14It's not bad.
07:16You'd have the Panadol on one level
07:17and then you'd go move up to the stronger drugs
07:20and the top level is your tramadol.
07:21You've got to serve the Westfordryd up at the top.
07:25I think the problem is,
07:26in government you want good decision-making
07:28and I've never made a good decision in Hamilton.
07:31Yeah.
07:32Even the decision to go to Hamilton
07:35was not a good decision.
07:37Do we even need a capital?
07:39I mean, surely we can sort out most of our issue
07:41with, like, a WhatsApp group or something.
07:42Yeah.
07:43I mean, no, they pride themselves
07:45on being the largest inland city, right?
07:47I'm like, is that a brag?
07:49Like, oh, no thanks to the beach and fresh air.
07:53Yeah, but, I mean,
07:54Wellington's not really nailing the beach at the moment.
07:573,000 litres of shit.
08:00Wait, so Hamilton's the safest city
08:02from natural disasters?
08:03Apparently.
08:04Then why does it look like that?
08:07Not even the natural disasters want to go there.
08:16If they move the politicians there,
08:18they'll have a bloody field day.
08:20Oh.
08:22Oh, God, I hate myself.
08:24I think...
08:26Well, I'm from Dunedin,
08:28so I'll make an advocate for Dunedin being the capital.
08:31I'll say, Dunedin, yeah, it's cold,
08:33but think about this.
08:34We've got the best murders, baby.
08:36The best murders in the country.
08:38Sorry about that.
08:39Still talking about it.
08:39Yeah, not the highest amount of murders,
08:41but the murders we do have are like,
08:43Mamma Mia!
08:44I need to...
08:45It's now time to turn this fun little game
08:47into a competitive bloodbath by using points.
08:49Team one, I'll give you the number of episodes
08:52of seven days in existence.
08:53445.
08:54You are watching, 446.
08:56That's your score.
08:57Team two, you get the number of kākāpō in existence.
09:01237, after Yasmin had one of her eggs hatch on Valentine's Day.
09:05Although it won't officially be added to the tally
09:07until it fledges.
09:09It does mean that team one gets our first star of the night.
09:12Well done.
09:15What are they playing for, I hear you ask?
09:17I do hear you.
09:18Apart from the glory, it's a prize plucked right from the headlines.
09:22Say ooh or ah as you take a look at this week's prize.
09:25There it is, our tribute to the signature dish
09:28of the Italian Winter Olympics, the frozen pizza.
09:33The winning team will take home their own leaning tower
09:36to cook from frozen, munch through like an ice block
09:39or hurl through their neighbour's window like an icy frisbee.
09:42Congratulations.
09:43Time now on 7 Days 4, yes, Minister,
09:45where we pick a politician, fly them to Auckland,
09:47make them stand over there until I introduce them.
09:49This week we have the newly named leader of the party
09:52formerly known as TOP, the Opportunity Party.
09:54Give it up for Q-Lei Wong!
10:00Q-Lei, welcome to the show.
10:02Q, if I may be so bold,
10:04your job to answer the questions from these reporters,
10:07in inverted commas, without saying yes or no.
10:10Got it?
10:11OK, got it.
10:11OK, got it.
10:12Take it away.
10:13Q, I worked on Dancing with the Stars closely with David Seymour.
10:18Do you know any good therapists?
10:22I would love to go on Dancing with the Stars
10:24if you can get me on there.
10:27Q-Lei, my friend claims to be a bottom,
10:30can he still vote for you?
10:34We've moved on, we've moved on.
10:36It's just opportunity.
10:37Q, I read that you lived in London,
10:41worked in fashion and then met a man from Palmerston North.
10:45Would you agree that sentence goes from real good to real bad?
10:49And are you putting politics at the end of that as well?
10:52Yeah.
10:54Gareth Morgan came on the show, but I'm OK now.
10:59He was very anti-cats,
11:01and obviously I'm very much into cats.
11:04I also have a husband breaking the rule,
11:05but I'm just wondering, Q,
11:08are our pussies safe in your hands?
11:12Very safe, very safe.
11:14Don't flirt with me.
11:19Oh, I was just going to say,
11:20so your nickname is Q.
11:22Did you shorten it from Q-Lei
11:23so that Christopher Luxon will be able to pronounce it?
11:26Yeah, I thought we needed to mix it up with all the Chris's,
11:29you know?
11:29Yeah, it's nice.
11:29So they spice it up a bit a little bit.
11:31Speaking of names,
11:32so it went from the Opportunities Party to just Opportunity.
11:36Is that because New Zealand's in such a bad place
11:38you can't promise more than one opportunity?
11:42We've really got one opportunity to save everything,
11:45and this election is it.
11:46Yeah.
11:47Yeah, and on researching you for this,
11:50it was actually really hard
11:50because you don't actually have a Wikipedia.
11:52Did you know that?
11:53I do know that.
11:54But I've made you one.
11:57I don't know if that's creepy,
11:59but I have to make you...
12:00Have you actually?
12:01Yes.
12:01Because we've been looking for someone to help us with it.
12:03And I have put in here,
12:06Wong is close personal friends with New Zealand comedian Jack Anse
12:09and thinks he's a crack-up.
12:10Don't say no.
12:12I think that's going to help us get over the 5%.
12:15Yay!
12:17Just to answer your question, Jack,
12:19yes, that is majorly creepy.
12:22How?
12:23It needed to be done.
12:24It did need to be done,
12:25and our comms team will be very happy with you.
12:28Well, it's been deleted
12:29because there's some false information on there.
12:33I'll do it again.
12:34I'll do it again.
12:34Wikipedia's like,
12:35Jack Anse's not crack-up.
12:38He's all right.
12:39Well, as a centrist party,
12:42you've kind of got a coalition on the table with anyone.
12:44You know,
12:45Hipkins,
12:45Luxon,
12:46Peters,
12:47Seymour,
12:48Swarbrick,
12:48Waititi.
12:49So let's play a quick game of shoot,
12:51shag, shag, shag,
12:52now.
12:54Shag, shag, shag.
12:57It's a hard one.
12:58It is a hard one.
13:00And the answer is?
13:02I think we will be sort of the therapist
13:04helping them all get along.
13:07Learning how to,
13:09yeah,
13:10shag each other.
13:10I don't know.
13:12Wow.
13:14You are getting votes right now.
13:16You are getting votes.
13:17Speaking of hills,
13:18I saw on your Instagram
13:19that in 2017
13:20you went to Machu Picchu.
13:22Sorry,
13:23I'm creepy
13:24and you're stalking.
13:27Yeah.
13:28It's more of a vibe thing, Jack.
13:31Did you also have
13:32one of the alpacas
13:33steal your sandwich?
13:34You know what?
13:35I didn't actually do Machu Picchu.
13:37I only went to,
13:38like,
13:38the start of that walk.
13:40So it's a bit
13:40of a false information.
13:42Oh, no,
13:42you're made for politics.
13:43Yeah.
13:46So say it's late at night
13:48and you wake up
13:50and you hear a noise
13:51and there's, like,
13:52a murderer in your house
13:54and he's, like,
13:54running towards you
13:55with a knife
13:56but his fly's undone.
13:57What are you,
13:58what are you going to mention?
14:01I'm not sure
14:02where that question was going.
14:05Yeah.
14:05Very common reaction.
14:06My question was weak.
14:09I've been sitting on there
14:10being like,
14:10oh,
14:10she's going to love
14:11the question.
14:14Do you know how calm
14:16you would have to be
14:17to notice that?
14:18I know.
14:20Like,
14:20if you woke up
14:21in the middle of the night
14:22and there was a dude
14:23running at you
14:24with a knife,
14:25I don't reckon
14:26you look straight at his dick.
14:28You're looking at the,
14:29I'm going the knife,
14:31I reckon,
14:31not...
14:32Although you're at bed level,
14:33so, you know.
14:34Yeah,
14:34oh,
14:34that's true.
14:35You would be looking at it.
14:35Do not get sucked
14:36into this conversation.
14:39Q,
14:39you are now based
14:41in Mount Albert,
14:41I believe.
14:42Yes.
14:42Have you ever got...
14:43That's a yes.
14:47You've done very well.
14:48Give it up for Kuley.
14:48Yes, Kuley.
14:50Thanks very much.
14:51And congratulations.
14:52T2,
14:53well done.
14:55Right,
14:56time now for
14:56the Burger Fuel Brain Grill,
14:58brought to us by
14:58our brand new sponsor.
14:59Thank you,
15:00Burger Fuel.
15:00This is where we turn back
15:01the pages of time
15:02and test our team's
15:03powers of recollection.
15:04Given that it's
15:0530 years I learnt
15:06since Burger Fuel
15:07first opened
15:08their delicious doors,
15:09we're going to go back
15:0930 as well.
15:10So the magical year
15:11of 1995,
15:13team one.
15:19What was that all about?
15:21It's your bachelor party,
15:22could we?
15:25And this is the baggage carousel
15:27after getting off
15:28Epstein's plane.
15:31That was,
15:31as many of you know,
15:32the launch of
15:33Windows 95
15:34with Bill Badboy Gates
15:36leading the moves,
15:38just going to show
15:38that in 30 years
15:39white men have
15:40not learnt how to dance.
15:42Don't worry,
15:43team two,
15:43you're going to get a turn
15:44next break
15:45and you at home
15:45will get a chance
15:46later in the show
15:46to win thanks to
15:47the bloody legends
15:48at Burger Fuel.
15:49I'm very tired,
15:50need a break.
15:50Stick around though
15:51because we've got
15:51Slice of Seven
15:52when we return
15:53on Seven Days.
16:03Ah, you came back.
16:05Great to see your,
16:06what I imagine
16:07are incredibly beautiful faces.
16:08Time now for Slice of Seven
16:10where real life musicians
16:11take their real life songs
16:12and ruin them
16:13by changing them
16:14to be about a news story.
16:15This week we are joined
16:17in the studio
16:17by one of our favourites,
16:18a band that's been crushing it
16:19on American talk shows.
16:20Now they're on my talk show
16:22back home just to come
16:23on Seven Days.
16:24Give it up for the Beths!
16:30Team one,
16:31we'll begin with you.
16:32Are you ready to
16:32decipher the Beths song
16:34and tell me what
16:34they're singing about?
16:35I'm so pumped.
16:36Beths in your own time.
16:37Take it away.
16:45I found money
16:47in my wall cavity
16:49200,000 in notes
16:52Wanted to give it to charity
16:56JK, I want a brand new boat
17:00My cash is stashed
17:03Guided by rats
17:04Kept so warm
17:06By pink bats
17:07And the cops, they want it
17:12Draft shit and damn
17:14My roof is richer
17:17Than I am
17:18Damn shit and jays
17:22If you find cash
17:24Don't tell the police
17:26Cause I can't buy bugs
17:27I can't shop
17:29Can't buy wine
17:30The cash was earned
17:32Due to crime
17:33So next time
17:35I'll keep my lips sealed
17:42CHEERING
17:46So good!
17:48Wow, we!
17:49Wow, we indeed!
17:50What do you reckon?
17:51There was talk of money?
17:53Yes, in the roof.
17:54Roofs?
17:55Ceilings?
17:55Yes, money in the roof.
17:58Um...
17:58You take it away, Rhys.
18:00LAUGHTER
18:01Money in the roof, Jeremy.
18:03I'll need more.
18:05I think it was a Christchurch couple found some money in their roof
18:09when they moved in.
18:10Oh, OK, yeah.
18:11As far as I can tell.
18:11We'll go with...
18:12My official answer is what Brinley said.
18:16Good words to live by, Rhys.
18:18Yes, a Christchurch couple is embroiled in a legal fight
18:20to keep the $200,000 in cash they found in their ceiling.
18:24Police claim the couple don't get to keep the money
18:26because it may have been earned through crime.
18:28And to underline that, the police have consistently said
18:31that money isn't yours to spend
18:33just because it happens to be in your house.
18:35Are you listening to this, honey?
18:38So...
18:38Oh, mate!
18:42Oh, I'm the bad guy.
18:49Yeah, so found $200,000, but the police are saying
18:51proceeds of crime, can't have it.
18:53Christchurch couple?
18:54I think Jack and Brinley should be allowed to keep it.
18:57So, it was in their, like, roof as insulation?
19:00Yes.
19:01Like, I wish my house had insulation.
19:05All I found in my ceiling was some really old candy floss.
19:11It's not candy floss.
19:13It's not candy floss.
19:14And it tasted fine, but there's a devil on the other end.
19:18Oregon!
19:21I mean, yeah, the people that own the money,
19:23they must be in prison.
19:24And they say Seven Days has actually watched quite a lot in prison.
19:28So, those people, I'd just like to say,
19:30ha, shame?
19:33No, no, no, no.
19:34Yeah, you do realise that some people get out of prison, Jack.
19:38Yeah, you did, David Bain.
19:49Do you know if they were, like, vacuum-packed into little...
19:52I don't.
19:53Yeah, I'd like to know that.
19:54Little piles, like you see on telly.
19:55It's a definite giveaway of the proceeds of crime, isn't it?
19:58The vacuum-packing.
19:59Is it?
20:00Mm, oh, yeah.
20:01I've got a couple of winter jerseys under my bed
20:03that aren't a crime scene.
20:05They're a fashion crime scene.
20:14All right, team two, we're coming to you now.
20:17Beths, are you ready for a song?
20:18OK.
20:19Tell me what story the Beths are singing about.
20:21All yours.
20:21Three, four.
20:28I thought I would go out flying
20:31But the planes have all been grounded
20:34Cos the cabin crew's are crying
20:38They're because all the ships are waiting
20:41They are sick of all the sick bags
20:45And they're heading to the exit
20:48But at least this major airstrike
20:52Won't involve the death of birds
20:55Cos they're paying
20:58So long, long
21:01So long, long
21:02That's a big
21:04That's a big
21:05Why, no, no
21:07A no, no
21:08I guess I'll take
21:10Guess I'll take
21:12Take an uber
21:14An uber
21:15On the way
21:17On the way
21:18To Rotorua
21:23Please don't show
21:25The safety video
21:29To them again
21:38I was sort of transfixed by the music
21:42And I wasn't really listening
21:43I heard
21:44I heard sick bags
21:45Sick bags
21:46Which is my stripper name
21:47And I also
21:51Ladies and gentlemen
21:52Please
21:53Welcome
21:53Welcome to the podium
21:55Sick bags
22:02I hurt my neck
22:03I hurt my neck
22:05I hurt my neck
22:07And on
22:07Don't watch the safety
22:08Please don't play the safety video
22:10So it's about flight attendants
22:12Right?
22:12I think
22:12And they've been in the news
22:14Yeah, oh
22:15Because they're striking
22:16They are striking
22:17Oh, Jeremy
22:18Flight attendants
22:20Are
22:21Striking
22:22So I don't know
22:23Where you're going to
22:24Put your dollar bills
22:25And demand
22:26Oh my god
22:28Serve your more
22:28Cassava chips
22:32Not true
22:34Good luck to anyone
22:35Taking a flight this month
22:36Flight attendants
22:37Across the nation
22:37Are striking
22:38On three separate occasions
22:39Throughout February
22:40Cabin staff
22:41Want more money
22:42As well as better work conditions
22:43In fact
22:44The harsh working conditions
22:45Have caused many cabin crew
22:46To walk off the job
22:47And immediately plummet
22:48To their deaths
22:52Do you reckon when they walked off the job
22:53Lights illuminated to show them the way out
22:55Or
22:57It was a tough job though
22:58I can see it as a tough job
23:00Apparently on one international flight
23:02They deserve over 300 drinks
23:04Right?
23:04And that was just a Winston Peters
23:06Yeah
23:08Well it'll be good to finally vape on the plane
23:11Without any f***ing marks
23:12Am I right?
23:18Did you see Jetstar's response to this?
23:21They were
23:21Hmm, we should get flight attendants
23:26And New Zealand said they had actually allocated money
23:28To pay the tenants more
23:30But one of the staff members
23:31Left it in the ceiling of a house
23:33They were selling in price
23:33Well they've been in negotiations for nine months
23:36So they got told that the pay rise was due
23:39And then they were told it was delayed
23:41And then they were told it was diverted
23:42To Palmerston North
23:47Did you know pilots are one of the few professions
23:49Where you wear short sleeves and a tie?
23:52What about banking?
23:54Another one?
23:55Casa
23:57Another one?
23:59There's a few actually
24:00Insurance broker
24:01Oh no, you're thinking of a Mormon insurance broker
24:06Well they did get a pay offer from Air New Zealand
24:09And apparently the flight attendant said that it was rubbish
24:12Any rubbish?
24:14Any rubbish?
24:16I hope the flight attendants get more money
24:18The Beths, they're back in the country
24:20To a nationwide tour this March
24:22Head to thebeths.com for all the ticket info
24:24And please listen to the real version
24:25The excellent new album Straight Line was a lie
24:27One more time for the Beths
24:35We go to the points now
24:36Team 1, you've earned a thousand
24:38That's the new amount of space launches
24:39Rocket launches allowed in New Zealand
24:41The initial cap of 100 set nine years ago
24:43Is set to be reached
24:44So you're allowed more
24:44Good stuff
24:45Team 2
24:46You can have the amount
24:47Social media star Logan pulled a Pokemon card
24:49For $27.3 million
24:51What?
24:52He bought it five years ago for $8.7 million
24:56$23.4 million
24:57Beat space
24:58Team 2, you get a star
24:59Congratulations
25:05Alright, you know what time it is
25:07We're coming up to a break
25:08So thanks to Burger Fuel
25:09We've got another Burger Fuel brain grill for you
25:11This is Team 2 this time
25:12What's going on in this story?
25:13It is from 1995
25:19Good evening
25:19Well it was just a walk in the park
25:21Except the park blew up
25:25Oh
25:25This is when you're a bit pissed
25:27And you're trying to explain
25:28To your partner
25:29Why you're home late
25:31Just a walk in the park
25:32And the park blew up
25:37That's of course
25:38The wonderful John Hawksby
25:39The eruption of Mount Ruapehu
25:41That shook the North Island
25:42Back on September 23rd 1995
25:44Who could forget
25:45I couldn't
25:45I was up there with my mates
25:47We were getting rid of some dynamite
25:48Into the crater
25:48Oh boy
25:50Remember your chance to win
25:51Thanks to Burger Fuel
25:52Is coming up later in the show
25:53Break time now though
25:54Come back with your togs on
25:56When we return
25:56We're off to the beach
25:57It's Club Topicana
25:58See you soon
26:10It's raining
26:11And it's windy
26:12Must be summer
26:12What better time
26:13To head to the beach
26:14For Club Topicana
26:14Play the steel drums
26:26This year
26:27We've ditched Dole
26:28And replaced them
26:28With a better pineapple partner
26:30Psyche
26:31We'd never leave you Dole
26:33You're the pinnacle of pineapples
26:34We're in a lifelong
26:35Committed relationship
26:36Now inside
26:36The spiky fruity orb
26:38Recollection of my favourite
26:39Stories from the week
26:40Ones that wet my whistle
26:41And had me thirsty
26:42For more
26:43So let's dive in
26:44Shall we
26:45Here we go
26:46Ah yes
26:47The Winter Olympics
26:48Is on right now
26:49As mentioned
26:49But they're so far away
26:51Geographically
26:51What if they were closer
26:53What if they were in New Zealand
26:54I'd like to see some scenes
26:56From a Kiwi Olympics
26:57Please
27:00What you're supposed to have
27:01A swimming heap
27:01No
27:02Every Tuesday
27:03We have half the pool
27:04Booked out for aquarobics
27:11And they're picking up speed
27:13Oh crashing right into
27:14The Michael Hill jeweler
27:16They've taken the gold
27:17They've taken the silver
27:18They've taken everything
27:24All right
27:25No snow for the bobsled this year
27:27So we've improvised
27:27And you're just going to be riding
27:28This chilli bin lid down
27:29Man-eating
27:36And to beat the Australian
27:39He is going to need
27:40An 8.2 metre splash
27:42On this manu
27:46And taking gold
27:47It is the Avondale bomb squad
27:57I'm here for the high jump
28:07Time now for the hot sand sprint
28:09From the water
28:10To the car park
28:11With one gender leech
28:12And go
28:17And the triathletes are coming out of the water now
28:20They are scanning the QR codes on the lime scooters
28:23And they are off
28:32That's 24
28:3425
28:3526 folks
28:36We've reached a new level of cars
28:38Stuck behind a juicy camper
28:43Oh my god
28:44Look at that incredible fireworks display
28:47Over Eden Park
28:48To mark the opening ceremony
28:49Of the Olympic Games
28:51Oh and what's that
28:51Oh the crowd are leaving
28:52To beat the traffic
29:00And as we see the marathon runners
29:03Rounding the final bend
29:04The New Zealand crowd erupts
29:06Into calling them try-hards
29:11I hope you're taking note
29:12New Zealand Olympic Committee
29:13Think there's some good ideas in there
29:15We move to our next story
29:16Over our break
29:18There were lots of oddball things
29:20Happening over in the USA
29:21Especially at the President's place
29:22The White House
29:23The White House
29:24It's got me wondering
29:24What goes on behind the scenes there
29:26Let's take us inside team
29:28I'd like to hear some examples
29:29Of things overheard
29:31In the White House
29:36Okay so one more time
29:38President Trump
29:39When the gun goes off
29:40You go
29:45Hi I'm Keith
29:46I just moved in next door
29:48As a condition of my parole
29:49I have to inform you
29:50That I'm a registered sex offender
29:52Oh same
29:52Phew
30:01Make
30:02Great green card
30:05Look angry
30:07Make movie
30:17oh god here we go hey Grock how to run country that was my Trump impression
30:34hang on a second I just got a good a great text from my very good friend
30:39Jeremy Corbyn he's the funniest man I met him on a beautiful island
30:50oh it feels like we were there doesn't it all right uh let's have a look at our next story
30:54um now Valentine's Day yes it was this week sorry for bringing it up again uh for all those
30:58low-grade boyfriends out there who forgot uh like me uh I am bad but I'm sure they were worse
31:04uh give me some examples of the worst Valentine's Day please oh this is so lovely babe state night
31:12at the zoo for and getting to meet my spirit animal that's so great thank you why have we stopped
31:18by
31:18this big wrinkly old elephant hi I'm Jack and fit good to know no one in the crowd knows my
31:35name
31:42um hey baby I thought for this Valentine's Day we could do a little bit of role play
31:46yeah okay cool all right I rolled a nat 20 a goblin appears from behind the room
32:01oh god I'm still mrs. Corbett
32:10girl are you Auckland City because I reckon it's another year before I can give you a light rail
32:19all right enough romance let's uh let's move on uh yes it is our first day back at work today
32:25and
32:25we're all struggling a bit to remember how we make this show I thought I'd throw that on the beach
32:29and ask the comedians to show me some examples of forgetting how to do your job hey settle down
32:36settle down no one's here to judge you now has the jury reached a verdict
32:46I bless you in the name of the father the son and the holy holy the holy holy shit
32:54no oh no hey man have a good one
33:12you guys want any change
33:20Kate we're gonna get this plane landed safely
33:25I love this song
33:39oh you know that's definitely safe to use Mr. Baldwin
33:50okay so I'm stuck behind a wall I can't find the door I eventually find the door
33:57oh sorry
34:04I certainly hope you remember how to do your job and enjoy 2026
34:08far too many floaters washing up on the beach right now time to traipse all the sand into our cars
34:13and head home to the desk play the steel drums great top of garner
34:27great game of club top of garner for points skidding a bit somber I'm going to salute the celebrity departed
34:32team one you can have the age of Robert Duvall star of Apocalypse Now and the Godfather when he passed
34:37away on Monday 95 and team two get the age of Dawson's Creek star James Van Der Beek when he
34:41passed away last week 48 which means that team one gets a shiny star for their star
34:49time for a break now but glue yourselves to your seats because after the break we're playing a brand new
34:54game called Jeremy's special game you do not want to miss it see you soon for seven days
35:06welcome back one and all to seven days time now for a new segment very excited about this is called
35:11Jeremy's special game where I Jeremy present a new game I've come up with which is why I think it's
35:17special of course this week we are playing come on feel the news or come on feel the news for
35:23Slade fans here teams must slide their grubby little hands into my rigid box and have a thorough feel of
35:28its innards inside or
35:29objects hinting toward a news story team one you are the first guinea pigs put your hands in the box
35:35okay that's good yeah
35:38okay that's good yeah put your hands in a box so have a bit of a feel around
35:42oh
35:43I can put my hand in a box
35:45oh no
35:47oh no
35:48oh no it's his hand but it's still quite scary it's
35:51um I just felt a virgin
35:53what
36:02incorrect not part of the story Rhys not part of the story I'll help you out there
36:06what are you getting there Brinley
36:07an egg
36:08with a toothpick in it
36:09I haven't touched anything
36:10it's grass
36:11it's grass
36:12that's an egg cup
36:13egg cup and grass
36:14grass
36:14pull it out the hole
36:16that's something
36:17is that a jersey or a jumper
36:19jersey
36:20grass
36:20oh
36:21rugby rugby jersey
36:22grass
36:23a leg
36:24an egg cup
36:25what's the egg
36:26I found a leg
36:27is it egg and spoon racing
36:29it's not egg and spoon racing why would it be that
36:31it's crowning
36:32sorry
36:33oh
36:34oh
36:35oh
36:35this is like the guy running towards you with the knife
36:39he's
36:40well I think I know
36:41I think I know
36:41it says the umbrella and the egg cup is Christopher Luxon's bald as f*** head and this is the umbrella
36:49man
36:49what
36:50umbrella at the rugby
36:51I don't know what the rugby thing is but it's at the rugby and Christopher Luxon put the umbrella
36:57stop over the man with the fluffy
37:00there's a cat
37:01here
37:01yeah
37:02a cat
37:03you're right about everything except the story
37:08Australia
37:09correct that's a big part of it
37:11can we go on each other's hold
37:12put it this way Di's getting very excited about the story
37:14yeah it's obviously none of you are religious
37:16you're literally
37:18Jesus' cloak's in there man
37:20oh okay so it's the Warriors
37:21oh no it's not
37:23oh
37:25it's not
37:25you you're my second Jesus
37:27you need to you need to go back to more towards the Australian thing
37:30sorry
37:32okay Christopher Luxon was at a rugby game in Australia
37:35it was the All Blacks who were playing and he held an umbrella over a man
37:41and that man turned out to be Jeffrey Epstein
37:47that would be a news story as you can hear from Di's groans you are wrong
37:51Prime Minister Christopher Luxon gallantly held an umbrella over NRL commissioner Dr Gary Weiss
37:57as he announced Eden Park will host its first ever state of origin match
38:02New Zealand government reportedly paid $5 million for the privilege for that event
38:07when asked where the money came from
38:08Prime Minister said
38:09it's amazing what you can afford when you feed school kids cat food
38:12so
38:14alright well Jeremy's special game already a bit of a success
38:17I have quietly repositioned the mystery box to Team 2
38:21it is your turn now Team 2
38:23if you'd like to put your hands in there and tell me what story I have made
38:27okay
38:28with my objet
38:29straight up
38:29no mucking around
38:30this is like uni
38:31alright
38:33oh gee
38:34hey she's
38:35okay there's something
38:35oh sorry there
38:36is this bread
38:37yeah you're holding something
38:38no that's a baguette
38:40hey that's a
38:41it's a wet baguette
38:42that's
38:44day old baguette made by
38:46I'm just wets
38:47I just got wets
38:48a West Auckland baker I reckon
38:50what's this
38:51hmm
38:51what else you got in there
38:52what's this
38:53oh what's that
38:54oh we can't tell you
38:55take this off me what is it
38:56baguette
38:57water
38:58oh gee what is that
38:59what is it this feels like a Sophie Shiv
39:02might be something that goes in the water
39:04oh what's this
39:04do you know what this feels like
39:05there's two of them
39:06oh this feels like
39:07hold on I'm twiddling the ends on this one
39:09me too
39:09you know what I feel like
39:10oh this is a boat
39:11yeah it's a boat
39:12oh well done
39:13it's a boat
39:14a French boat
39:15oh yes a French baguette
39:17water
39:17boat
39:18crash them together guys
39:19crash them together
39:20what a boat
39:21and this is a
39:23this is a
39:23three week old systema
39:27not relevant
39:28not relevant
39:29not relevant to the story
39:30is it America's Cup or shit
39:32is your boat crash in France
39:34yeah there's
39:35the America's Cup
39:36there's another clue in there
39:37there's more stuff that you haven't dealt yet
39:39towards the back of the box
39:40towards your side of the box
39:42I'm just getting it
39:42fingers in wets
39:43there we go
39:44here die hold this
39:45what's that
39:46that's you
39:47that's me
39:47that's my head
39:48oh that's Abby
39:50not relevant to the story
39:51oh it's not crap paper
39:53no it's tinfoil
39:54who's familiar with it
39:55a foil?
39:55is that like a yacht foil?
39:57yeah I've interned at Black Power before
39:58this is a tinny
40:04a foil is a thing on a boat ain't it?
40:05yeah the foil's on the boat
40:07you know get up on the foils mate
40:08what are you doing?
40:10no cause they do the
40:10get up on the foils mate
40:12okay I'm getting a really
40:13I mean when I'm sitting
40:14you've got all the pieces
40:15put it together
40:16foil
40:16foil
40:17America's Cup maybe
40:18yeah French
40:20um rainbow warrior
40:21did that happen recently?
40:24what you're doing at the moment
40:25is called doing an anset
40:27the foncé
40:28remember they don't know my name
40:32doing a Jack
40:33yeah thanks
40:34okay
40:35hey Jack when did you get here?
40:40good to see ya bro
40:44okay
40:47give me a story Di
40:48the next America's Cup is being held in France
40:51oh my god
40:53incorrect
40:53Alrighty, I'll give you the real answer
40:55drama on the high seas
40:56as you all know
40:57the New Zealand black foils
40:58named the boat
40:59were forced out of the Auckland sorry GP
41:00after a high speed collision with the French boat
41:03Black Foles have had to switch to their backup option,
41:06which is Lisa Carrington in a canoe.
41:09All right, team one.
41:11For points, team one, you can get the height.
41:13Supreme Halberg Award winner Hamish Kirk can jump 2.36 metres.
41:17Pretty high.
41:18Team two, you can have the height of two Dye Hemwards
41:21on top of each other, 3.3 metres.
41:23Hamish couldn't jump use.
41:25Team two wins and gets a star.
41:27Well done.
41:28Really?
41:29Oh, no, you're right.
41:32Great game of Feel the News for the first and last time
41:35you've seen that fantastic game.
41:37Guess the insides of my box.
41:39I've got a few other special games I'd like to introduce you to this season.
41:42In 2026, I can't wait.
41:45But it's time now for you at home to get your brains into gear
41:47for your turn at the Burger Fuel Brain Grill.
41:50What is going on in this image?
41:52It is from 1995, 30 years ago when Burger Fuel first started.
41:57All right, hit us up on Instagram or Facebook
41:59with your crack-up answer, you could be taking home dinner
42:01thanks to Burger Fuel.
42:03All right, break time now.
42:04When we come back, we are going to crown one of these teams
42:06the inaugural winner for 2026 with Beat the Ding.
42:10See you soon.
42:17Oh, welcome back.
42:21For those of you who have just joined us,
42:23where the hell have you been?
42:24We're about to play our last game.
42:25You missed the bloody Jeremy special.
42:27Like, guess what's in my box?
42:28Oh, it doesn't matter.
42:30I'm going to play Beat the Ding now,
42:31where I put these comedians to the test.
42:33I make them list answers before I go to town on my dinger.
42:36Every successful dinger earns their team
42:39a potentially game-winning star.
42:41All right, let's get dinging.
42:43Here we go.
42:43Former American President Barack Obama said,
42:46aliens exist on a podcast this week.
42:49I agree, about time.
42:50Abby, you've got 13 seconds to name five American presidents
42:54in an alien voice.
42:57Andrew Jackson.
42:59George Washington.
43:01People.
43:03I've got Fitzgerald.
43:06I mean, I mean,
43:07I mean, I mean,
43:09and also Obama and Ronald Reagan.
43:14That'll do.
43:15That'll do it.
43:16Yeah, well done.
43:16A star for you.
43:17Well done, Abby.
43:19Some Milo bars have been recalled
43:22after concerns the product may contain pieces of rubber.
43:24Not good.
43:25Rhys, 10 seconds to tell me.
43:27In order, the definitive ranking
43:28of the top five chocolate bars in the world.
43:31Go.
43:31Oh, OK.
43:32Number one with a bullet, Snickers.
43:35Number two, I'm going to go Luxury Flake.
43:38Number three, Whittaker's Peanut Slab.
43:41Number four, Anything Caramello.
43:46And number five, Kit Kat.
43:49Well done.
43:50Five of them.
43:51Star for Rhys.
43:51Give them a round of applause.
43:52Good works.
43:54All right.
43:54These guys are making it look easy.
43:55It is not easy.
43:57It is, however, Chinese New Year,
43:59the start of the year of the horse.
44:00Die.
44:00You have nine seconds to make up five horse names
44:03whilst commentating a horse race.
44:06And coming around the corner,
44:07you've got Rumpel's foreskin
44:08and you've got Hoppaw on the back
44:11where the two ladies go on fat.
44:13And you've got around the corner
44:15where the fum-fum-bam-bam.
44:17And you've got Shaniqua, Tinsel, and Badang-dang.
44:20Badang-dang coming on your back.
44:25Which one's in English?
44:27Badang-dang?
44:31Shaniqua, Tinsel, and Badang-dang.
44:33That's the trifecta, I believe,
44:35for the Melbourne Cup.
44:36That's so good.
44:37Well done.
44:38Well done, Dyer Staff.
44:40The flamethrower and the ring burner.
44:42Back on the menu at Burger.
44:43If you'll watch out for the Battle of the Burn,
44:44it's coming soon.
44:45Brinley, give you 14 seconds, that's a lot,
44:47to name five spicy things
44:49whilst your mouth is burning.
44:51Go.
44:52Chili!
44:54Jalapenos!
44:55Fire!
44:56Fire!
44:56The pits of hell!
45:00And STI!
45:05The pits of hell and an STI.
45:07Well...
45:08All right, a star for you.
45:10Well done, Brinley.
45:10It is kakapo mating season.
45:12Jazzy, 12 seconds to give me three pick-up lines
45:15for kakapo.
45:17Call the kakapo-lease
45:19because I'm too hot.
45:21I'm small and fat and green, love me.
45:23I'll rip your f***ing windscreen ripers off,
45:26but you'll love it.
45:33And that is why they're not good at breeding, I think.
45:36Yeah, it's great.
45:37OK, we're going to give you that.
45:38Well done, the star for Jazzy.
45:40A new trend has emerged this week,
45:42dark showering.
45:43It is, as it sounds, showering in the dark.
45:45Apparently it helps you to get to sleep.
45:47Jack, 15 seconds to shut your eyes
45:49and take us through your shower routine, please.
45:52Go.
45:53That is personal informa...
45:55I start with the balls.
45:59I lather my whole body in the wash.
46:02And I use a Lynx-branded one called
46:06Xbox Lift Your Game.
46:08And I get in all the nooks and crannies
46:10and then I just stand there and drip
46:12because I apparently get too much water on the shower, Matt,
46:15so I just sort of...
46:19That's good.
46:19You're getting yourself a star.
46:20Well done.
46:24All right, that is us.
46:25All that's left to do is award our winner.
46:27Let's have a look at the star chart.
46:28Boy, oh boy, taking home the relic,
46:29that leaning tower of pizza.
46:31Hopefully you're not announcing
46:32they've been cheating on their partner at the same time.
46:33Team Toe!
46:34Well done.
46:36Well done.
46:36Well done.
46:37Well done.
46:39Well done to you for watching.
46:41And now please join me in thanking Rhys, Jack, Brinley,
46:44Di, Abby and Jazzy.
46:46We'll see you in seven days on Seven Days Goodnight.
47:01Thanks, New Zealand On Air,
47:03especially for funding my new segment,
47:04Jeremy's Special Game.
47:05Time for me to head home
47:06and play Jeremy's other special game.
47:09Oh, man.
47:09Oh, man.
47:11Oh, man.
47:11Oh, man.
47:11Oh, man.
47:11Oh, man.
47:11Oh, man.
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