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  • 13 hours ago
Diary Of A Woman
Transcript
00:02:50I have the rare privilege of having begun life twice, but do any of us really know
00:02:56where the journey of life will take us.
00:03:08I know nothing in this snow-covered mountain valley prepared me for the events that would follow.
00:03:21My teacher's life is all about me, and I needed a ritual to protect me from the chaos in my
00:03:27mind.
00:03:29Everything would fall apart.
00:03:30Everything would fall apart if I loved my pupils, and liquid water heats up by the sun, evaporates,
00:03:48condenses, condenses to form clouds, and falls back to earth as rain or snow.
00:03:55Our plants and forests suck up the liquid in order to grow.
00:04:01Okay?
00:04:06I filled their minds with facts, with the basics of maths and grammar, the capitals of Europe, not knowing what
00:04:14paths their lives would take.
00:04:29I'm going to go, I'm going to go.
00:04:31I'm going to go.
00:04:41I'm going to go.
00:04:55I'm going to go.
00:04:57I'm going to go.
00:04:59I'm going to go.
00:05:21Maybe keeping a diary will bring freedom and peace.
00:05:25Help me to sort things out.
00:05:31I can't stand the noise, the clutter in my mind.
00:05:39Even in the quiet of this village, it finds me hiding like a turtle in his shell.
00:05:49Why do I live alone when I could share my life with Laura?
00:05:54I'm stuck like a hamster in his wheel, endlessly spinning but gone nowhere.
00:06:17And then that dark hour arrives that I dread.
00:06:21Night follows the day.
00:06:23It always does.
00:06:25And the creatures of the night know where to find me.
00:06:28They always do.
00:06:49Alex.
00:06:50Hi.
00:06:54Are you okay?
00:06:55You've been acting so weird.
00:06:57I'm fine.
00:07:00Alex, what's up?
00:07:03I don't know.
00:07:06How about you and me having dinner tonight?
00:07:10Wait a sec.
00:07:13Oh.
00:07:17Hello?
00:07:18Hello, Mr. Tarkney.
00:07:19Is this a good time?
00:07:19Yeah.
00:07:20Okay.
00:07:23Oh, for God's sake.
00:07:31I'm sure Alex was actually really happy back then.
00:07:35He enjoyed living in the countryside, having all that nature and open space around him,
00:07:40not like in the city where he grew up.
00:07:43He'd love to go running along the lake and through the woods as often as possible.
00:07:48Oh, my God.
00:07:49Also late at night or early in the morning when no one else was around.
00:07:53No, but, um, later.
00:07:59Yeah, that's when he began to change last winter.
00:08:05He seemed introverted.
00:08:07Didn't talk much.
00:08:09Just wanted to be left alone.
00:08:11And he started having difficulties communicating with people outside his daily routine.
00:08:16People he thought he couldn't trust, like the parents of his pupils.
00:08:22And that's a real problem when you're a schoolteacher in a small village.
00:09:00Sometimes a phone call can change your life without you realizing it.
00:09:05And when there's a lawyer calling, you know you're heading for trouble.
00:09:11Well, Mr. Darkly.
00:09:13Can I be perfectly honest with you?
00:09:15Yeah.
00:09:17Maybe you know that the condition of your mother has been deteriorating over the past few months.
00:09:23She will most likely never be able to leave the hospital again.
00:09:27Okay.
00:09:29And as her lawyer, it is my duty to tell you that all her savings are gone.
00:09:33And that the bank closed the bank accounts.
00:09:38As her sole descendant, you are obliged to take care of her financial affairs.
00:09:44Which means I also have to vacate her apartment.
00:09:48That's exactly what I tried to say.
00:09:52And when do you think...
00:09:55As soon as possible.
00:09:57We have no choice.
00:09:59So, that's the situation.
00:10:28So, that's the situation.
00:10:31What do you think?
00:11:13Ruma, come on.
00:11:15It's all here, frozen in amber, a crypt for a bewildered child waiting for my return.
00:11:33Once we laughed in here, we cried, you and I.
00:11:36We celebrated Christmas and every one of my birthdays sang songs and danced for joy.
00:11:52You were never going to come home.
00:11:56I was the one who needed to come home.
00:12:12I feel like I'm underwater, swimming upstream like a sound against the current, floating
00:12:22towards the sun, fighting so hard to reach the place I was born.
00:12:27I feel like I was born.
00:12:33I feel like I was born.
00:13:07Strange.
00:13:08It's all black and white in my memory now.
00:13:11No color at all.
00:13:14Save one.
00:13:16The red color of your dress.
00:13:40Where did you go when I was looking for you in the middle of the night?
00:13:44So many nights, leaving your child behind.
00:13:50The soundtrack of the ticking clock haunting me, counting the remaining hours of the night.
00:13:56Mama!
00:13:58Mama!
00:14:08Mama!
00:14:11Mama!
00:14:14Mama!
00:14:14Mama!
00:14:15Mama!
00:14:20Mama!
00:14:22Mama!
00:14:25Mama!
00:15:28Did you know I would return here eventually?
00:15:32I can start with uncovering the past.
00:15:56I can start with uncovering the past.
00:16:01I can start with uncovering the past.
00:16:04I can start with uncovering the past.
00:16:35Look at you.
00:16:40Spooning your meal.
00:16:48You have no clue who I am.
00:16:58Your empty gaze strewn with question marks and mental debris.
00:17:06I'm so sorry for you, Mom.
00:17:10So many nights in bed, alone, without anyone to hold.
00:17:14I will hold you.
00:17:17If you let me.
00:17:44No, we...
00:17:47We never really talked about his mother or his childhood.
00:17:51He didn't want to.
00:17:54I did sense there must have been issues in his early childhood.
00:17:58Things he couldn't articulate or maybe even remember.
00:18:10Well, as far as I know, there wasn't one specific event that triggered his sudden anxiety.
00:18:19But deep scars, hidden in the subconscious, eventually find their way out.
00:18:30And that's exactly why it makes me sad, still, that Alex wasn't able to analyze them or get them out
00:18:40of his system.
00:18:41Hmm.
00:18:46Hmm.
00:18:50Hmm.
00:18:54Hmm.
00:18:56Hmm.
00:19:07Hmm.
00:19:08Hmm.
00:19:10Hmm.
00:19:12Hmm.
00:19:25I don't know.
00:19:55I love you, Alex.
00:20:27I love you, Alex.
00:20:46I love you, Alex.
00:21:06I love you, Alex.
00:21:47I love you, Alex.
00:22:09I love you, Alex.
00:22:33I love you, Alex.
00:22:51Laura thought my headaches, stomach pains, and sleepless nights were from a bad diet.
00:22:56So I added a daily photographic reference to my diary.
00:23:04You'd be horrified at the amount of crap your system has to cope with.
00:23:11I love you, Alex.
00:23:13I love you, Alex.
00:23:43I need to build up my strength to face my biggest challenge yet.
00:23:48To go where I have dared to go where I have dared not enter, your private sanctuary, the lair of
00:23:53your dreams.
00:23:54I love you, Alex.
00:23:55I'll take it, Alex.
00:23:55I'll take it, Alex.
00:23:55I'll take it.
00:24:10I'll take it.
00:24:20I don't know.
00:24:42They say you can't come home again, but suppose you never left?
00:24:51After all these years, your perfume still lingers on between these walls like a faded
00:24:55veil, touching something deep inside of me I can't escape.
00:25:06So much of your life in front of mirrors, so much vanity behind closed doors.
00:25:19Always making yourself pretty.
00:25:37You wanted to be an actress on the big stage, and I was too young to realize I wasn't your
00:25:45only audience.
00:25:51Even as a child, I knew you were gravitating towards another world, a world full of neon
00:25:58lights and obsessions.
00:25:59Secret whispers and moans of pleasure.
00:26:11Then you left me alone, until my dreams overwhelmed my fears and the breaking dawn chased them
00:26:17away.
00:26:18It's okay.
00:26:38It's okay.
00:26:43It's okay.
00:26:44It's okay.
00:26:52It's okay.
00:26:55It's okay.
00:27:32What images come to mind?
00:27:44Is there anything else?
00:27:51How could I answer that question?
00:27:58There was absolutely nothing to talk about.
00:28:10Well, I knew that he was seeing a psychiatrist and was on medication, sleeping pills, antidepressants
00:28:15and so on.
00:28:23I just couldn't reach him anymore.
00:28:26He didn't talk to me.
00:28:29I thought he had a problem with me.
00:28:31But what do you do if someone just doesn't talk to you anymore?
00:28:42No.
00:28:47In my opinion, no medication can penetrate to the roots of such severe mental illness.
00:28:53It just numbed his symptoms and locked him into an even tighter mental cage.
00:28:58All right.
00:29:18I don't know.
00:29:34I don't know.
00:29:41I don't know.
00:29:43I don't know.
00:29:47It's okay.
00:29:48I'm sorry.
00:29:48I'm sorry.
00:29:51I didn't know what's happening.
00:29:51It's okay.
00:29:55I don't know.
00:29:55It's okay.
00:30:12My family album full of people I never met.
00:30:19Ghosts from another century.
00:30:31Did you know that this was my magic castle and secret hideaway?
00:30:44And what about my little alter ego?
00:30:58My only true friend and confidant.
00:31:14Who was I trying to imitate?
00:31:20You?
00:31:26Or was this intended for the future me?
00:31:32Scrubbed of all shame and guilt.
00:31:37I don't know.
00:31:39I'm sorry.
00:31:43I'm sorry.
00:33:44When you look at the physical remains of your life, they seem trivial and useless.
00:33:58Combs and brushes, the putrid smell of perfume and alcohol woven into a filthy toothbrush.
00:34:11Eyeliner, bottles and scented powder.
00:34:15All that's left of you.
00:34:36All that's left of you.
00:34:59There's one last journey your costume has to endure before it vanishes in the dustbin forever.
00:35:05All that's left of you.
00:35:59All that's left of you.
00:36:28All that's left of you.
00:36:30All that's left of you.
00:36:32All that's left of you.
00:37:11Let's go.
00:37:29It's all fleshed out
00:37:34Fleshed out is what we've got to now
00:37:42I'll go way back to me
00:37:46I'll go way back to you
00:37:50I'll go way back to you
00:37:51I'll go way back to you
00:37:58I'll go way back to you
00:37:59I'll go way back to you
00:38:03I'll go way back to you
00:38:03I'll go way back to you
00:38:16Better sing a money tune
00:38:19Like a cigarette
00:38:23Raise a roof above this room
00:38:27As the song appears
00:38:30Order of the underground
00:38:34As the sewer runs clear
00:38:38Stretch your skin in front of me
00:38:42Undo every other year
00:38:45But now I come for you
00:38:49I come for you
00:38:53For your vapors and your perfume
00:38:57For your fog-filled room
00:39:00For your body will come
00:39:03For the body will come
00:39:06You know, first of all, my life
00:39:12My life is so different
00:39:14I mean, in contrast to Alex
00:39:18For me, everything was always easy and effortless
00:39:22I loved going to university
00:39:24I have a caring and loving family
00:39:28I enjoy being a teacher
00:39:29And basically I'm happy
00:39:31And I guess that's exactly why
00:39:34I just didn't recognize the first signs
00:39:36And wasn't aware of the seriousness of the situation
00:39:38And I wasn't prepared for what was coming
00:39:47Yeah
00:39:49It was very painful to see him slide away
00:39:52And get pulled into that dark abyss of nightmares
00:39:56And hallucinations
00:40:00From which he couldn't escape
00:40:03Now we have to get the second kannst
00:40:04Oh, no, I don't think
00:40:28How can I get the second can
00:40:28Come on
00:40:28Come on
00:40:30Let's go
00:40:30Come on
00:40:31Come on
00:40:31Come on
00:42:13Everything reshaped by the blade.
00:42:17Years of shame and guilt.
00:42:21Self-neglect.
00:42:22Uncertainty.
00:42:24Shaved off.
00:42:26Just like that.
00:42:27Shaved.
00:42:28Shaved.
00:42:29Shaved.
00:42:31Shaved.
00:42:32Shaved.
00:42:42Shaved.
00:42:45Shaved.
00:42:47Shaved.
00:42:48Shaved.
00:42:49Shaved.
00:42:49Shaved.
00:42:49Shaved.
00:42:51Shaved.
00:42:53Shaved.
00:43:22PHONE RINGS
00:43:33PHONE RINGS
00:43:53It takes a surprisingly short time to disengage from the past.
00:44:05PHONE RINGS
00:44:06Maybe my true self lies beyond all boundaries of sex and gender.
00:44:16PHONE RINGS
00:44:25Maybe it always has and I never really knew.
00:44:57PHONE RINGS
00:45:14PHONE RINGS
00:45:25PHONE RINGS
00:45:55PHONE RINGS
00:46:25PHONE RINGS
00:46:33PHONE RINGS
00:46:34PHONE RINGS
00:46:41PHONE RINGS
00:46:42PHONE RINGS
00:46:56PHONE RINGS
00:46:57PHONE RINGS
00:46:57PHONE RINGS
00:47:04PHONE RINGS
00:47:05PHONE RINGS
00:47:05PHONE RINGS
00:47:25PHONE RINGS
00:47:33PHONE RINGS
00:47:35PHONE RINGS
00:47:37PHONE RINGS
00:47:50PHONE RINGS
00:47:51PHONE RINGS
00:47:53PHONE RINGS
00:48:01PHONE RINGS
00:48:15All right, I want to trade this in.
00:48:34It's right in for what?
00:48:38The gun.
00:48:41Nine millimeter Firestar.
00:48:45Whatever.
00:48:46Got ammunition?
00:48:48No.
00:48:50Uh-huh.
00:49:02I finally have to stop eating all that crap and become healthy again.
00:49:08A healthy mind and a powerful body.
00:49:12I have to keep my focus straight and switch all my senses to full alert.
00:49:39I could have been a father, a daddy with a little girl, I kind of like that.
00:49:45Here.
00:49:47Lucy!
00:49:51Lucy!
00:49:57Then again, maybe not.
00:50:11How many truths are hiding in the dark?
00:50:17Why do I feel a great relief in slipping into my other self?
00:50:23Is this also part of God's creation?
00:50:29Or maybe God is nothing but a magician?
00:50:33Dividing night from day, pain from joy, innocence from evil.
00:50:39And what if all that no longer mattered?
00:50:42And I'm God's lonely soul.
00:50:46The naked rabbit in the hat.
00:50:49Now you see me.
00:50:53No, you don't.
00:50:55No, you don't.
00:51:03No, you don't.
00:51:58And every now and then, unexpected visitors creep into my new life, trying to divert
00:52:05my path.
00:52:06Alex?
00:52:08How could she ever understand?
00:52:12But...
00:52:13Poor Laura.
00:52:25I pick up your trail, Mama, and my journey into the night has just begun.
00:52:32Let's go.
00:52:33Let's go.
00:52:37Let's go.
00:52:39Let's go.
00:52:44Let's go.
00:52:46Let's go.
00:52:48Let's go.
00:52:56Let's go.
00:53:01Let's go.
00:53:04Let's go.
00:53:08I'll do it.
00:54:21Hey, want a drink?
00:54:33Hey, what's that?
00:54:38Hey, what's that?
00:54:41What's that?
00:54:46What's that?
00:54:48Oh, my God!
00:54:53Oh, my God!
00:54:54Oh, God!
00:54:58Here to see!
00:55:00Oh, God!
00:55:03Oh, God!
00:55:05Oh, God!
00:55:09Get him out!
00:55:09I don't know.
00:56:06I don't know.
00:56:09I don't know.
00:56:29Oh, my God.
00:57:06Oh, my God.
00:57:29Oh, my God.
00:58:09Oh, my God.
00:58:56Oh, my God.
00:58:59Oh, my God.
00:59:01Oh, my God.
00:59:02Oh, my God.
00:59:03Oh, my God.
00:59:33Oh, my God.
00:59:35Oh, my God.
00:59:43Oh, my God.
00:59:52Oh, my God.
01:00:01Oh, my God.
01:00:17Oh, my God.
01:00:36Oh, my God.
01:00:45Oh, my God.
01:00:48Oh, my God.
01:01:18Oh, my God.
01:01:21Oh, my God.
01:01:28Oh, my God.
01:01:31Oh, my God.
01:01:44Oh, my God.
01:02:00Oh, my God.
01:02:44Oh, my God.
01:02:48Oh, my God.
01:03:18Oh, my God.
01:03:21Oh, my God.
01:03:51Oh, my God.
01:04:27Oh, my God.
01:04:51Oh, my God.
01:04:52Oh, my God.
01:05:36Oh, my God.
01:05:54Oh, my God.
01:06:02Oh, my God.
01:06:15Oh, my God.
01:07:00Oh, my God.
01:07:41Oh, my God.
01:07:51Oh, my God.
01:08:41Oh, my God.
01:08:45Oh, my God.
01:09:00Oh, my God.
01:09:29Oh, my God.
01:09:31Oh, my God.
01:09:56Oh, my God.
01:10:19Oh, my God.
01:10:54Oh, my God.
01:11:39Oh, my God.
01:11:45Oh, my God.
01:12:11Oh, my God.
01:12:24Oh, my God.
01:12:36Oh, my God.
01:13:06Oh, my God.
01:13:10Oh, my God.
01:13:23Oh, my God.
01:14:05Oh, my God.
01:14:10Oh, my God.
01:14:12Oh, my God.
01:14:29Oh, my God.
01:14:43Oh, my God.
01:14:51Oh, my God.
01:15:21Oh, my God.
01:15:58Oh, my God.
01:16:21Oh, my God.
01:16:53Oh, my God.
01:17:09Oh, my God.
01:17:33Oh, my God.
01:18:26Oh, my God.
01:18:31Oh, my God.
01:19:01Oh, my God.
01:19:36Oh, my God.
01:20:27Oh, my God.
01:20:58Oh, my God.
01:21:01Oh, my God.
01:21:26Oh, my God.
01:21:37Oh, my God.
01:21:40Oh, my God.
01:21:41Oh, my God.
01:21:47Oh, my God.
01:21:51Oh, my God.
01:21:53Oh, my God.
01:21:59Oh, my God.
01:22:25Oh, my God.
01:22:31Oh, my God.
01:23:01Oh, my God.
01:23:26Oh, my God.
01:23:52Oh, my God.
01:24:01Oh, my God.
01:24:31Oh, my God.
01:25:26Oh, my God.
01:25:56Oh, my God.
01:26:25Oh, my God.
01:26:29Oh, my God.
01:27:13Oh, my God.
01:27:33Oh, my God.
01:28:25Oh, my God.
01:28:28Oh, my God.
01:28:58Oh, my God.
01:29:28Oh, my God.
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