- 3 weeks ago
Zero Stars Season 1 Episode 7
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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:12Oh
00:15Sorry, I'm a dangerous monster. Yeah, you're a deadly Dracula
00:23We're here baby most travelers avoid bad reviews
00:27Let's see what the review says one star one star one star. I've never seen anything more stupid if I
00:32could give it zero stars
00:33I would not us
00:37I'm Sarah Pascoe
00:40I'm Roisin Conaty
00:43We're comedians, but more importantly best friends as someone who has received bad reviews
00:49I always try to look to the good so we're turning the tables on the review sites
00:53They were so busy typing in their phone lonely. They've got to look out and visiting places based on the
00:58worst reviews
00:59I'm closer. It's nothing to be afraid of my review is 100 stars
01:04But will this journey of salvation be a five-star fun fest?
01:11Or are we in for a holiday from hell
01:33Transylvania baby here. We are
01:36Wow, I'm excited. I'm very excited about being in Transylvania. I'm a big
01:41Dracula fan. I like the teeth. I like the cloak. I like the hairdo. I like the kissing. I like
01:46the bats
01:48I like the love. I like Robert Pattinson. I'm all in
01:51I've been doing my revision on the plane
01:54What do you think? I'm only two pages in I fell asleep
01:57I'm a big dracky fan. Are you?
01:59I'm gonna get you on to him. Well, you can tell me about it then what happens at the end?
02:03Oh, it's all sexy. Is it scary sexy?
02:06Oh
02:08On this trip to Transylvania, I would like to maybe confront some things I'm scared of
02:12I'm not into vampires. I think I think vampires are scary and very smelly apparently
02:17Because they've been alive for hundreds and hundreds of years. They're all like frosty dusty. They live in the dark
02:22I'm a sunshine daytime person
02:25Hi. Hi. You must be Alex. Yeah, I'm Alex
02:29You're a lot younger than I was expecting
02:31Yeah, yeah, everybody's telling me this
02:33I've read that the vampires that's the thing they look young even though they're hundreds of years old
02:36We just need to check. Yeah. Oh boy. I see
02:39I'm a bit over 200 years old. So yeah, he's the right guy. Yeah. Thank you for taking me. Yeah,
02:42we've got an expert
02:43Let's go. Oh, yeah. I'm gonna sit with Alex
02:45Yeah, do that
02:47You don't mind do you? I absolutely don't
02:49I don't trust him not to bite me
02:56We're in the Romanian region of Transylvania
02:59Birthplace of Vlad the Impaler
03:01The historical nut job some say is the inspiration for Bram Stoker's gothic horror novel Dracula
03:10Vampire tourism pulls in over a million visitors per year
03:14But is there more to see here than just sexy bloodsuckers?
03:18We're taking Alex's spooky white van from the town of Sigishwara through the countryside to the gloriously named city of
03:26Turda to find out
03:37We're here hotel Transylvania. It's loud. It's spicy loud
03:44This is not so but so it's too close to the road for the constant traffic jam
03:48Would you like to hear a review if you shout it?
03:52Yeah, I'll shout try to fall asleep fast since the walls are really thin and you can't miss the moans
03:59But the moans would be better than the road
04:00Oh
04:01At least moans aren't traffic traffic's my worst noise
04:04You're happy with a car than someone else having an orgasm
04:06Well, I'm sorry I was so loud
04:11We did not stay at this hotel. We only had lunch here we experienced the worst mashed potatoes in my
04:16life
04:16It was amazingly bad taking into consideration that most of the second dishes had such garnishment
04:21I think that person's having a stroke
04:23But the mashed potatoes are bad and the walls are thin
04:26What's your worst noise to seep to?
04:28Foxes
04:28Mysterious footsteps
04:31Ghostly children you can't see
04:32Oh, I love that noise
04:36Rolled out the red carpet for you
04:38Special guest
04:39Hello
04:40Hello
04:40This is big
04:41Can I ding it?
04:44I've never seen one that big
04:47Would you like to check in please?
04:48Okay, room number one and room number two
04:51The room is here in the front
04:52Okay, this means you can't bring anyone back
04:54If I'm next door, thin walls
04:56What of the person in number three is a fox with the horn?
05:02Oh, it's a terrace
05:04Outside our bedrooms
05:06Like a bar
05:08This is weird, isn't it?
05:11Just going to bed
05:13Goodnight then
05:14That sounded like an invitation
05:16I know
05:16And it wasn't not one actually
05:20Goodnight gentlemen
05:25It's a yellow room
05:28It's fine, it's very quiet
05:32What?
05:33What?
05:33What is that?
05:34A little bed thing
05:37It's just a cushion where they push the...
05:41What's that?
05:42Let's see if these walls
05:44I'm going to bang on your walls, Sarah
05:50Hello?
05:52Did you hear?
05:52She didn't hear that, did she?
05:54I can hear you talking!
05:56What's going on?
05:58Hello?
05:59I can hear her now
06:01Roshan!
06:03My sexual pleasure moans are normally like
06:05Can you hear that?
06:08Who are you talking to?
06:10What?
06:11Oh, this is what they do in the movies
06:14Hello?
06:16I couldn't really hear anything
06:17Every time I thought I heard Roshan
06:19It was actually a man outside
06:22They're not that thin as a thing
06:24This room's making me seedy
06:26That's what this room...
06:27I think the only room with this room
06:28It's got a seedy vibe
06:29And I think that gets into your pores
06:31And then you do stop making moaning noises
06:35And do you know what?
06:35I don't drink anymore
06:36But if I did, and most people still do
06:39And you're like, how am I going to get home?
06:43Just have a little drink out there
06:44And you're four steps to your room
06:47Just reading aloud!
06:49It's how you view the world, I think
06:51And some people are just moaners
06:52Chapter one of Dracula by Bram Stoker
06:58This is €40 a night
07:00And I think that's very, very fair
07:03Budapest seems like a wonderful place
07:05From the glimpse which I got of it from the train
07:08It's not very scary, is it, at the moment?
07:11Having had some time at my disposal
07:13It's Dracula!
07:17Dracky!
07:18Dracula!
07:19Hi!
07:21I've been reading you Dracula, did you hear any?
07:24I didn't, Sarah
07:24It's not very scary, it's mostly about paprika chicken
07:27And the train timetables
07:29Did you hear my moans?
07:30You'll hear a little bit of it
07:32But I thought also it could be the people outside
07:34I can definitely hear them
07:35I don't know how someone would be enjoying themselves that much
07:38To moan at such a pitch that it's louder than me shouting the works of Bram Stoker
07:44The lorries are going past and you can't hear them
07:46No, they've got really good sound proofing
07:49I'm beginning to think people are full of shit
07:51Don't listen to them
07:53Find things out for yourself
07:56We're in town to make our own minds up about the birthplace of Vlad the Impaler
08:03So, this is Sigishwara?
08:07Sigishwara, it's so pretty
08:09This is not what you think of when you think, oh, Vlad the Impaler was born here
08:12Word on the street though, apparently King Charles
08:16Owns ten properties here
08:17And it's because he's like the 16th great-grandson of Vlad the Impaler
08:22Which he's kept quiet up till now, hasn't he?
08:24So you're telling me that Prince Charles is Dracky?
08:27He's got a little bit of Dracky in him, yeah
08:30I met Prince Charles once, you were there, the GQ Awards
08:34But I remember Prince Charles being hotter than I expected
08:38He's not unfit
08:40Okay, we'll talk about this off camera
08:42This is like we used to fancy David Cameron
08:44I didn't fancy him, I had a dream, I can't help it
08:48Here we are
08:50Casa Vlad Dracul
08:52Dracula's house, bebe
08:55It's like a museum to Vlad the Impaler
08:57It's where he was born, allegedly
08:59And that's who Dracula's based on
09:01Yes, it's beginning of the myth
09:02And the reviews aren't good, I'm afraid to say, Roisin
09:05One star, this is from someone saying
09:06If Vlad Dracul would be alive
09:09He would throw your employees from the tower for laziness and bad attitude
09:13Oh dear, it's aggressive, that's violent
09:16They also sound like a fan of Vlad the Impaler
09:18Yeah, it's excessive in this day and age
09:22Oh, Dracky
09:25Mr. Dracula
09:27What can you see?
09:28And
09:29All these torture weapons
09:31Vlad the Impaler
09:32This is the OG Dracky
09:35Vlad the Impaler
09:36Also known as Vlad Dracula
09:39After his dad, Vlad Dracul
09:41A.k.a. Daddy Cool
09:42He was a 15th century Romanian ruler
09:45Who enjoyed impaling his enemies on spikes
09:48Drinking their blood and a reform of Pilates
09:51But you don't hear so much about that
09:52And now, you can get his face on a mug for a fiver
09:55What a legacy
09:57It's very red and spooky and black
09:59And there's a spooky man
10:02Hello
10:04Hi, are you Dracula?
10:06I am David
10:09Hello David
10:10That'll do
10:12What is there upstairs actually?
10:14Dracula's room, spooky place
10:16Oh, spooky place, okay
10:18So you can come after me
10:20Thank you
10:21You go first
10:22But be careful
10:23Dracula is there and he's waiting for you
10:25Ooh, let me in
10:27David, don't say things like that
10:29Dracky! I'm coming, Dracky!
10:32I don't know if I like this
10:33You know, like Madame Pesores, they scare us
10:35Ah! There's something coming on me
10:37I think there's something up there
10:41Careful or nothing, please tell me if anything jumps at you
10:44Oh, Dracula!
10:46Sarah's here, Dracula
10:47No, I'm just checking that David's not going to come up and bite my bum or something
10:50What's happening?
10:52The piano's an interesting choice
10:54I like the idea of him being a pianist
11:02I love blood, you love blood, we all love blood
11:05Uh-uh
11:09That's good actually
11:10It's flattering lighting I think
11:13It's good stuff
11:22I think David's having a sling
11:25No, no, don't say that
11:27Sarah, oh
11:34What?
11:35Ooh, you got me!
11:39That's very sweet of you
11:40Oh, you're ever so scary
11:42This is why you're so good with children
11:45Sarah's giving him nothing and he's just like, maybe I didn't scare her enough
11:50Oh, God, no!
11:52It's patronising
11:52It's not, it's what he lives for
11:54No-one would be scared in there
11:56A middle-aged, overweight man in a coffin doing half a sit-up at you
12:00But it's hard if that's his job, just doing sit-ups
12:03Whoa!
12:05Like that, yeah
12:05Did they commit to the bit? Yes, they did
12:08Look how hot it is out here
12:09They still lied in the coffin in a cape
12:11It's back, you need some air
12:13Yeah
12:13Do you want to have a little breather?
12:15It would be ironic if Dracula died
12:17Oh, he's taking his face off, he's too hot
12:19Are you all right? He's panting a bit
12:22I can see his tummy
12:23I think you need to keep it a little bit open
12:27I was really hoping to sort of get steeped in the history
12:29But as soon as we were inside the Dracula experience, I realised it was silly
12:33It's a really silly place
12:35I'm starving to get food
12:37Lunch, baby!
12:38We're not eating here, are we?
12:39Yes, we are, Sarah
12:41Oh no, there's going to be a spider in our plate
12:43We've got to eat lunch here
12:44Where will I get my blood?
12:52We're in Transylvania, dining at Vlad the Impaler's birthplace
12:55With a Dracula-themed menu
12:57Mmm!
12:58I'll have a pint of blood and the neck of a virgin, please
13:01Oh, a bit of cheese, wash it down
13:04Dracula's pork stew with polenta
13:06Dracula's chicken roll with both potatoes
13:09He's cooked a lot of these things
13:12Dracula's platter, yes please
13:14Oh, oh, here he comes, it's David from Romania
13:17David!
13:19Hi!
13:19Again
13:21Hello, what have you brought us?
13:23A soup and some food
13:27Is this soup in the bread?
13:29Oh, that's good stuff
13:31Does Dracula have it or no?
13:34No, because this has got garlic in it
13:36Dracula doesn't like the soup
13:38Not so much
13:39I don't reckon Dracula would like to meet a vegan
13:42He'd be like, this is woke gone mad
13:44That's what he'd say
13:45OK, what am I eating here?
13:47We have some vegetables like tomatoes and some meat
13:52And with onion, because this meat is very good with onion
13:56Can Dracula eat onion? It's very close to garlic
13:59Yes, but it's not so deadly for him
14:02OK, that's good
14:03Just a tummy ache
14:04Thank you very much
14:05Yeah, really brilliant
14:06You're welcome
14:07Right, I'm going in
14:08It's smoked
14:12It's salami, it's salami
14:14That looks like cheese, a round cheese
14:17Mozzarella
14:19Nice
14:19OK, great
14:21It looks like you're about to make a mouth
14:22I didn't mean to kill all those people
14:26Can I taste a bit of your bread?
14:27Yeah
14:27Sounds really dirty, doesn't it?
14:29No
14:30Well, that isn't...
14:31It's lovely, it's sort of warm and rustic
14:34I don't know why it is Dracula-y
14:36I thought it might be like in a face or something
14:38Or to look like a...
14:39Let's make a face
14:40Oh, shall we? OK, great
14:42Come on, what are we doing here?
14:43Let's make a...
14:44Eyes, we've got onions for the eyes
14:46I'm doing hawk smiley face
14:50I've got the fangs, I've got the fangs
14:52The cheese fangs
14:54You've gone meat deep
14:55Well, it's Dracula, isn't it?
14:57So I'm making him out of flesh
15:00Bit of hair for Drac
15:02I think he looks too friendly
15:06This feels a little bit like when serial killers leave a mark
15:09We're like...
15:10A calling card
15:10A calling card, we go to restaurants and make Dracula faces
15:14Let's do it
15:14It's a smiley face diner
15:16It's a Strucker killer
15:17Let's go
15:18Bye, Dracula's platter
15:21Dracula's friend
15:26Wow
15:27First Drackey experience down
15:30Are you going to really keep calling him Drackey?
15:32I'm going to call him Drackey to the day I die
15:34OK
15:37This is one of the prettiest places
15:39I had no idea it was going to be so gorgeous
15:46Caricatures
15:47Caricatures
15:47Oh, gosh
15:48Now we're on holiday
15:50Oh, no, he's looking at us
15:52Are we going to do it?
15:53Hello, man
15:54Hello
15:55Hi
15:56Please, ask me
15:56So we're going to do serious but we're going to give a little bit of fun
16:00Vampire too
16:02But it's not serious
16:03It's half and half
16:05Like those Victorian pictures
16:07Yeah, like sitting still
16:09I don't understand the talk of vampires
16:12Lucky you got me and I understand you baby
16:14Yeah, I understand you, yeah
16:15I understand the Drackey language
16:17Vampires understand each other
16:19Yeah
16:21What's your name, sir?
16:23Dan
16:23Dan?
16:24Oh
16:25Oh
16:26I'm...
16:26Like in English, Dan
16:27Oh, nice
16:28I'm...
16:29I'm Roisin
16:30This is Sarah
16:32Have you met Dracula, Dan?
16:34Yes
16:34Oh
16:36And that's the end of that sentence?
16:37Where did you meet him?
16:42For me, what is Dracula?
16:44Do you believe in Dracula?
16:48No, he's not happy with that
16:49He's serious
16:50He's serious? No
16:51You don't believe in Dracula, no
16:53Do you think we should do a different pose, right?
16:57Yeah
16:57Is it too late?
16:58If we move, he'll get annoyed
17:00When he comes back, he might look at us again and jump
17:02Is it...
17:03Is it too late to change?
17:06Ugh
17:07Dan hates us
17:09We're ready?
17:09We're ready, we're ready
17:11Oh!
17:12Oh
17:12You are very good
17:14Mmm
17:15They see our spirits
17:16Yeah
17:17Awesome
17:17I don't think we could use it as a half-fork photo
17:21There were no reviews of Dan's work online
17:24According to my research, the only Transylvanian artist called Dan died in 1896
17:30Ooh
17:32Anyway, we're headed back to the hotel for safety and to try the worst mashed potato one reviewer has ever
17:38tasted
17:39Need to put these on?
17:40Yes, please
17:41Mashed potatoes
17:41That's why we came
17:43They're sticky
17:45Ready?
17:46One, two, three
17:48They're fine
17:49What do you mean the worst mashed potatoes in his life?
17:52There's only so much a mashed potato can do on its own
17:54It can't fill that void in your soul
17:57It's a spud
17:58This is a danger of views
17:59It's made me fearful
18:00I'm eating them like I'm eating something really outlandish
18:04Like, I'm like, oh, mashed potatoes
18:07And that's how fear spreads
18:08Well, ordinary life, you just wouldn't order them
18:10You'd miss out on something delicious
18:14Well, I'm gonna go into my room, Sarah
18:16Good luck on your long, long journey
18:18I'll see you in about ten minutes
18:20Yeah
18:20When I get bored and I come in and you better stop reading and talk to me
18:22Yeah
18:25The next day, we checked our necks for bite marks, no joy
18:28And we're on the road again
18:31Our driver, Alex, wants to show us there's more to Transylvania than Dracky
18:35So he's taken us to the countryside for a traditional Transylvanian cooking class
18:41We're assuming there's no garlic if you catch my drift
18:45It's a doggie!
18:51Oh, wow!
18:52This is so lovely
18:54Oh, it is a doggie! Hello!
18:55It's a doggie!
18:56Come on!
18:57I brought you to some of my family's friends
18:59And here you're gonna learn to make a traditional dish
19:02Called zakuska
19:04Right, okay, great
19:05I'll tell Roisin what we're here for
19:06So, um, they've brought us here to dig up a corpse
19:08And make sure he doesn't go to hell
19:10Come on!
19:12I don't feel like we're gonna see Dracky here
19:14This is a very separate part of the trip
19:16This is real
19:17This is no mythology
19:18This is real life
19:19Now
19:20In Transylvania
19:21We're back in the real world
19:22God, I hate the real world
19:25This is where we're gonna learn to cook zakuska today
19:29And she is Elon, my neighbour
19:31Hello, Elon
19:32And she's gonna show you everything that you need to know to make a perfect zakuska
19:37Zakuska is a traditional Romanian vegetable spread
19:40Made of aubergine, onions, tomato, peppers, and the blood of a virgin
19:45Just kidding
19:46There's no onions
19:47The problem with me is I'm normally a hindrance in a kitchen
19:50I'm keen
19:51I'm keen
19:52I'm keen
19:52I'm keen
19:53Did you tell her I'm a hindrance in the kitchen?
19:54I don't know
19:55I don't know
19:57Oh, it's a mincer
19:58Go on, I see
19:59Oh
20:00That's not what it is, I guess you get
20:04Careful of your hands
20:05That's why you don't need to add meat
20:06Because you've got a bit of finger in there, bro
20:08I don't know
20:10Elon's machine for chopping the vegetables is incredibly dangerous
20:14Because you essentially have to push your own digits towards a moving blade
20:19And then
20:20What's that?
20:21What is it?
20:22Was it gone?
20:23Oh
20:23Yeah, that's for you
20:25That's for you
20:27That's for you
20:28She got scared
20:32Is there anything we can do so you can do this properly and we can be of help?
20:38Yeah
20:38The hay, we're gonna break the hay
20:42We leave Elon, no relation, to finish off the zakuska
20:45And to keep our end of the bargain, we head off to work in the fields
20:50Right, so this is a haystack, is it?
20:52Oh, well, it looks like a beehive
20:54A tribute to Amy Winehouse
20:56I think we have to use this stick
20:59We're gonna get the hay
20:59We've got to start another one, that one's finished
21:02I thought she might say go and make friends with the sheep
21:04We got sent out to a field where it's boilingly hot and full of really jumpy grasshoppers
21:11Oh, sorry
21:13I've got no spatial awareness and they've given me a six-foot spike
21:16This is all gonna be absolutely fine
21:19A glorious bit
21:21And thus Transylvania gave birth to a new icon
21:26Roshin the Impaler
21:27There's a bit for you to dance on
21:29This is not what I expected of Transylvania
21:32No, it's not
21:33It's completely different to the stuff we have been doing
21:36Yeah
21:37In castles, wearing cloaks, with spiky teeth
21:40When you say that, you get me really nostalgic for it
21:43You're married to the knight now, aren't you?
21:45Yeah
21:47Incoming!
21:49Do you know what I think we should do, Sarah?
21:51Alex?
21:53Yeah, you just finish up, Alex
21:55That would be nice
21:55Yeah, okay
21:56It's not the nicest thing we've done on the strip
21:58We're gonna do how much Alex gets done on ours while we go and have our stew
22:01He's a very polite guy
22:02Lovely man
22:03Yeah
22:03Hates us now
22:06Oof! Making 20% of a poorly packed haystack is hard work
22:11Time to get stuck into the zakuska
22:14It's so delicious, thank you
22:16It really actually was worth a very, very long day
22:19Sorry we've eaten it so fast, we were really hungry
22:21Sorry we weren't very helpful in the end
22:23I really liked Elon
22:25The winning part of the day is she's absolutely adorable
22:28Her hospitality was really lovely
22:30Whereas I think it might be anti-feminist
22:31I'm gonna say the opposite
22:32Okay
22:32I like the outdoor manly work more than the kitchen
22:35Yeah
22:35You're dancing around that pole like a good one
22:39That's me being anti-feminist as well
22:49We're in Transylvania, ooh spooky
22:52And we're starting the day with a trip to a dragon-themed theme park
22:56Dragons and vampires, take a day off Transylvania
23:00One star
23:01If I could give it zero stars I would
23:03Very bad place, do not recommend
23:05Not enough detail, it doesn't scare me
23:07What I like about the review is they've sort of gone
23:10Yeah
23:10Dun, dun, dun
23:12And left the review page
23:13Slammed their trip advisor down and just left us like shaking in our boots
23:17Do you want to find out how bad a place it is?
23:19Yeah, let's go in
23:20When you hear about a dragon theme park, you visualise massive roller coasters, dragons' faces, flames coming out of the
23:27back, knights protecting, you know, all the whole fantasy
23:31And this is a bit different
23:36Oh, this is nice
23:37This is lovely
23:39As we walk through the flower garden I do think this is a bit more like my local park than
23:42a theme park
23:44I guess it's a nice thing if you're about to go and do real high octane stuff, you come out
23:49and you go to the garden and you chill next to the flowers
23:52Yeah, that's really good psychology, Roche
23:56Map-wise, we've just been through the garden
23:59This is the lake
24:00A fish
24:01Is this much smaller than it looks on the map?
24:04I'll tell you what's more worrying, Sarah, is that that has made it onto the map
24:08This fish, but this size, was on the map as a kind of like, you want to get here, you
24:13know, beat the queues
24:14I don't trust this map now
24:20Cool little caterpillar roller coaster
24:22Oh, too scary for my blood
24:24Beautiful pedalos
24:27Toadstools
24:28Oh, look fairies
24:29This is adorable
24:32We've heard a rumour about this place
24:34Hello
24:35Hi
24:35So we've tracked down the owner to see if it's true
24:38So you say that Vlad the Impaler was born here?
24:40Yes, my family is an ancestor of Dracula
24:45So this is the second place we've been told Vlad the Impaler's been born
24:48So I'm like, how many Vlad the Impalers have you got?
24:51The legend tells he's born here and after three days go to Sigishora
24:57Oh, yes
24:58Oh, yes
24:5920 kilometres from here
25:00We were at his house?
25:01Yes, but the truth is he's born here
25:03Ah
25:03In this garden
25:04I guess if that's your biggest story, then everyone has to be attached to it
25:08I think if he went to Bethlehem, everyone would be like, oh yeah, Jesus was born in my shed
25:12Oh, yeah, I'm descended from Joseph and Mary
25:15Anyway, so did you build the garden?
25:17No, this garden is built 66 million years ago
25:20My ancestors let one dinosaur to came in the garden
25:26Just one?
25:26Right
25:27Because it's very bad the dinosaurs
25:29Yes
25:30Eat everything
25:31And in this garden the plants is magical
25:35And after this dinosaur eat these magical plants
25:40He became the dragon
25:43And all the dragons in the world spread from this garden
25:48Maybe he was told stories as a child and never stopped believing in him
25:52Like people who still believe in Father Christmas
25:54I want you to meet my three-year-old because you have very similar stories
25:57Yes
25:58I think you'd get on
26:01Thank you very much, it's lovely to meet you
26:03Yes, ma'am
26:03Thank you, bye-bye
26:06We can't put it off any longer
26:09It's time to try Dragon Law's biggest ride
26:13As it's the birthplace of dragons, of course it's
26:17Rainbow Road
26:18Oh, what is it?
26:20Oh, it's a rainbow slide
26:21That's the big finale
26:24Let's do it
26:25I don't like rides
26:27I don't like the lurching feeling when you feel a bit sick
26:29Oh, we carry them up
26:31I love a subtle gradient, truth be told
26:35They really make you earn your fun, don't they?
26:38This better be a brilliant slide after all this climbing
26:42Right
26:43It might be really fast, Roche
26:45I might go down bareback
26:47Shut up
26:48Keep your top on
26:51No, but no...
26:53No
26:53You don't think I...
26:54No
26:55When I saw the slide, I was like, this is going to be terrible
27:01Keep going
27:05Whoa, there she goes
27:06And it was...
27:09Magic
27:10It's quite...
27:11It's quite a lot faster than I was expecting her to go
27:14Oh, what a little spin at the end
27:16Just the right amount of scary is really good fun
27:20I'm okay, keep your feet in
27:23Ooh, ooh, ooh
27:25There we go
27:28Whee!
27:31Whoo!
27:34Whoo!
27:38Whoo!
27:38Whoo!
27:39Whoo!
27:40Whoo!
27:41That was so much better than it looked
27:44Wasn't it?
27:45A real lesson in don't judge a book
27:47Don't judge a slide by its incline
27:49The review that we read said it's a very bad place
27:53It's not a very bad place
27:55It's a very sweet place
27:56It's a mild place
27:58You're not going to have huge thrills
28:00But you might have a nice time
28:02Five stars from me
28:05This is quite different with my days when we'd have our bags on the floor in nightclubs
28:09Yeah
28:10You make me feel nostalgic for the old days
28:13Chucking up belongings on the floor
28:14There's nothing in there, phones weren't invented
28:16We were absolute filth
28:17Stop shouting we were absolute filth
28:20We were absolute filth and you all should know it
28:23We were all right
28:25These days the only thing we're flirting with is a National Trust membership
28:30And it's time to nail down this Dracula business once and for all
28:34So I've booked us on a historical tour
28:36I'm going to learn, this is what I like to do, I'm dweeby on holiday
28:40Yeah
28:40I want to learn more about the history
28:42Yeah, the myth
28:43Me too
28:44You know, the real person, the family, the dragon line
28:47I don't want to hear about a silly dinosaur, I want facts
28:51Hello, welcome to Dracula Hotel and Restaurant
28:54My name is Aline, nice to meet you, this way
28:56Alan runs Dracula tours across Transylvania
28:59They normally last seven whole days
29:02But we reckon we can get there just in an afternoon
29:04Come on Alan, calm down
29:06We came to sort of get a genuine account of the history of Dracula
29:10The man behind the myth
29:13Vladdy
29:14Vlad the Impaler is quite a dark story on some levels
29:18But Drackey
29:21Dracula the myth
29:22Do you know anything why Dracula came about
29:24When did the blood drinking come into the story?
29:28Vlad the Impaler, also known as Dracula
29:30He impaled many, too many people
29:33And anti-Vlad the Impaler propaganda said that he has the habit of drinking blood
29:39It was a source of inspiration for Bram Stoker to use it as a character in his book
29:44It's weird that if someone's already impaling people and you're thinking, you know what's even worse
29:49It's pretty bad by itself, isn't it?
29:52I really, really have to separate Drackey from Vlad
29:56I like old films that are black and white
29:59About a man who's sort of lonely and women who love him
30:03And surely bites their neck
30:05No one's perfect
30:08Dracula tours are a part of the dark tourism
30:11And the Romanian didn't like the idea for tourists coming here to see the Dracula, the blood supernatural creature
30:17But nowadays something has changed
30:20They understood that Dracula is a good hook to bring tourists in Romania and in Transylvania
30:25Yeah, we came here for Dracula and then we went on a rainbow slide
30:28Perfect
30:29Nowadays, authorities begin to build more and more highways
30:33Because they understood that Dracula loves the main arteries
30:37Oh, high five, there he is
30:41Dracula likes finding fangs to do
30:43There we go, that's why it's big in tourism, there we go
30:46I'd love a steak in your business
30:48Oh, high five, we're back in the womb, we're back in the womb
30:52Cheers
30:52In Romanian mythology
30:55Yes
30:55There's no vampire
30:57There's no vampire?
30:58No, there is something very similar
31:00Which we call Strigoi
31:01Strigoi
31:02And we have a tradition to help the Strigoi attain his peace
31:07And you will see in which way this tradition used to be made in the countryside in Transylvania and Romania
31:17A lot of smoke, like an 80's disco
31:20Uh, the first two
31:22Kate Bush
31:24Where has he gone then?
31:26Uh, I'm worried because there's a steak under the table
31:29And a rock
31:30No, no thanks
31:33This is like a horror film now
31:40We're on a historical Dracula tour in Transylvania and, um, yeah, this is happening now
31:46No, no thanks
31:48Don't like it? No thanks
31:49Too spooky
31:50They're bringing in a corpse
31:53This is someone who's recently died, he's been bad to the crops
31:55I'll protect you, I will protect you
31:56I promise you, I'm good of heart, I'm a virgin
31:59I can protect you
32:01Okay
32:13The ritual was absolutely terrifying
32:15It gives me the heebie-jeebies, I don't like it
32:18Where do you go, Trigoi?
32:20Trigoi
32:21Where do you go, Moroi?
32:24Moroi
32:24Moroi
32:25We're going to Vasile
32:26Vasile
32:27Vasile
32:27To eat meat
32:28To eat meat
32:29He's got a real dark side to him
32:35I was saying little Catholic prayers in my head, because I don't know what they're saying
32:41If you don't know what people are saying, you don't know if you've been cursed
32:55Stop it you, go to heaven or hell, make up your mind
33:01This is too long
33:04Is this what she's like at the theatre?
33:06When's the interval?
33:11Oh shit man
33:14Can anyone help me kill the Trigoi?
33:18He looked right at you
33:19Go forward
33:20I was terrified
33:22I offered Sarah straight off
33:33You killed Trigoi
33:37Well my dears, thank you for watching the Ritual of Killing of Living Dead
33:43I guess what I got from the ritual playing out was where we get the whole putting a stake through
33:48a vampire
33:49To kill them, but I'm also worried that people around here do believe that stuff
33:53Keep in mind that the ritual has availability of one year
33:57So one year from now, you have to be back here in Transylvania
34:00And we have to perform again the ritual
34:02Don't dig them up again after a year
34:05My review would have to be a review of two halves
34:07You might learn something, you will go away terrified
34:11Dear God
34:13Shall we run?
34:14I feel like
34:15I know, just get it as quickly as possible
34:18Coming back into the daylight
34:21I got you
34:22I left my bag in there, I'm not going back
34:27I'm not going back, don't want it
34:29Keep my phone
34:30Oh no
34:32After you've rammed a stake into the heart of a CPR dummy
34:35There's only one thing a woman wants
34:37My lady
34:38Thank you
34:39To visit an underground salt mine
34:42Salt mines
34:43The review says
34:44I've never seen anything more stupid
34:46And we like stupid stuff
34:48We love stupid stuff
34:48Listen, they think they got stupid
34:50They ain't seen stupid yet
34:51Yeah, we're the judges of stupid
34:52Yeah, we're the judges
34:53We're the stupid judges
34:54We're going to bring you stupid
34:55Yeah
34:56We're going to be the stupid that stupid does
34:57Yeah, stupidest thing in the world
34:58You've never met us
34:59Yeah
35:00I hope it's stupid now
35:01Better be stupid
35:03Ooh
35:06I always get scared in tunnels
35:08It's quite deep
35:09The word mine should have given it off me
35:11Is this free salt?
35:13You can just grab on
35:14It is, it's salt
35:15Do you want to lick some?
35:16No
35:16I'll wait till I'm in the mine
35:17This is...
35:18Do you want to lick free salt?
35:20No
35:21That's absolutely insane what you've just done
35:23That could be asbestos
35:24I don't lick the walls everywhere I go
35:26Come off it
35:27Went to St Paul's Cathedral
35:28Left it alone
35:29But erm...
35:30Lies
35:30It's made of salt
35:31And I wanted to taste if it was salty
35:34It's delicious
35:34But I tell you what I'm not going to do on this trip
35:36No matter how deep you bring it down
35:38It's free salt
35:39I'm not licking the walls
35:40I've never seen wild salt before Roisin
35:42It's just growing for free
35:44When you go in a diamond mine
35:46It doesn't have walls of diamonds
35:48You have to dig for them
35:49Yeah
35:50So I know it's not worth as much as diamonds
35:52But I was still excited and wanted to lick
35:54The walls are salty
35:56I mean I can't believe you're still licking the walls
35:58I love salt
36:02I wouldn't lick the walls for it
36:03No but you put lots of seasoning on food
36:05I've seen you
36:05Oh yeah
36:06You had four sauces at lunch
36:07Oh yeah like...
36:08Back to the kitchen
36:08I like a range
36:10Mayonnaise, ketchup, garlic sauce and sweet chilli
36:13That's excessive
36:14I love salt
36:15It's a really good preservative
36:16That's as far as my salt love goes
36:20Ooh it's deep Sarah
36:22It's absolutely huge
36:24You stay next to the wall side
36:27Ooh
36:27Yeah it's safe
36:29It's deep
36:29I didn't think you could get much deeper than this
36:32Yeah really deep
36:32Yeah
36:33Deep penetration
36:33Centre of the earth
36:35Yeah we're in
36:36This is...
36:37This is pornographically deep
36:38I'm trying not to look down
36:39Yeah
36:40Don't look, don't look
36:42Yeah
36:42There we go
36:43Shall I lick the button?
36:44Lick the button!
36:46Don't lick the button
36:46I won't
36:47I wouldn't
36:48After waiting for every single tourist to leave
36:51I then had to face my fear of heights in the lift
36:53Better be worth it
36:55Oh wow
36:56I'm glad you're not looking
36:58Oh don't say that
36:59No I just mean that because it's um
37:00It's a huge expanse
37:02It's not what I was expecting
37:04This is terrible
37:05There's a park
37:07There's some snooker tables
37:08There's massage chairs
37:09Like you get in the airport
37:11You say what you're the best bit
37:12Have you taken ayahuasca before we got in this lift?
37:14There's a lake with millions of pounds
37:15Oh my god you're on drugs
37:17No there's another level
37:18What was in that salt?
37:19My first impressions when I got into this salt mine was that I loved it more than anywhere else I've
37:23ever been
37:24And then I fell more and more in love as we got deeper
37:27Look, look!
37:29It's stunning
37:29I can't, I can't, it's absolutely breathtaking
37:32How anyone gave this a one star review is like going to the Grand Canyon
37:35Oh my god
37:36And saying it's stupid
37:37The whole thing has got very surreal quality
37:39Yeah
37:40It feels like outer space
37:41Yeah
37:41Even though we're in inner earth
37:43Yeah
37:45Oh there's a ferris wheel, I don't know
37:46Wow
37:48It's incredible isn't it?
37:50I don't want to go on it
37:51We can't go on it, it's broken
37:52Is it?
37:53It's sorted over
37:54Yes!
37:54It's just this beautiful, spooky, cool architecture
37:59Yeah
37:59This feels like an apocalypse
38:00This feels like human beings used to go to fun fairs
38:04Before they built the big black sky
38:07Oh see this is, I love these guys
38:10Have you ever been on one?
38:11Yeah but what the hell are they doing here?
38:13It's a salt mine with four massage chairs
38:17Yeah
38:19OK
38:20I started
38:21Oh come on this is what we needed
38:23Oh this is good stuff
38:25Oh it is
38:25It's right up my head now
38:26It's massaged
38:27Hello
38:27Oh it's doing the bump
38:29How did you say something was stupid when there's a massage chair?
38:32It's doing my Jenny T's
38:34In a salt mine
38:36Is it doing your Jenny T's?
38:37Yeah
38:37It's a salt mine
38:38It's assaulting you
38:41I was not expecting it to do my Jenny T's
38:43It's not doing my Jenny T's
38:44It's not doing your Jenny T's
38:45It just rubbed past my buttocks
38:46Mine's not rubbing past my buttocks
38:47Mine's trying to
38:48Get into my mine if you catch my drift
38:51OK
38:51This is frightening
38:52You need to relax
38:53You need to relax
38:54You need to sit in a normal massage
38:55You sound like a creep
38:56Why are you touching me?
38:58What is
38:58Doing my thighs
39:00All back
39:00That is right up my butt
39:02Is that up your butt?
39:02No
39:03What have I pressed?
39:04Lower back
39:04It's because you're sitting up and relaxing back as you can
39:07Oh OK
39:08You're going to get pregnant and have a tiny chair
39:10The bit you're talking about is lower back
39:12What have you pressed on mine?
39:13You've done some
39:14I've not pressed it
39:15It likes you
39:15That's not my fault
39:16OK so I'm imagining it now
39:18Believe women
39:19Believe women
39:22Oh God
39:24I'm never going for a massage with you again let me just say
39:27I think you're off your nuts since you lit that salt
39:30I am having a lovely time
39:33Look at that water
39:35Oh my god
39:38That looks like what's that cake?
39:40I'm always thinking of food
39:41Marble cake
39:42Yeah
39:42Yummy
39:43Four stars
39:44Should be more cake
39:45A marble cake stand wouldn't go astray
39:48Just to get my blood sugar off after that bonding
39:55Hello
39:55Yes
39:55I'm Roisin Cicera
39:57Hi
39:57Can we borrow a boat please?
39:59Yeah sure
40:02It really feels surreal
40:05When you look at the walls
40:07It's like the same thing as in tree trunks and in our fingerprint
40:10Yeah
40:10And it makes you feel really like
40:11Oh
40:13We're of this
40:14And it's really really beautiful to see it
40:16You feel very part of it
40:18I really got that because I'd licked it
40:21I looked up to the top and I was like I've licked you
40:24I've licked you
40:26She was just trying to get to the edges to start licking bits
40:28I'm so small
40:29It made me feel so
40:29I could never lick you all
40:31That's what I was saying
40:32Rib her tongue out
40:33It's as she rode
40:37That's why it was so romantic
40:39But imagine working down here
40:41I can't imagine anything
40:42I'm just trying to learn how to roam
40:43I love
40:44I feel like I'm like
40:46Isn't it great just a pontificate?
40:48Look at the
40:48I swear that there's a way to do it
40:50Because I'm like the oars are too big
40:52I think you've done very well
40:53Do you think so?
40:54Sorry I'm going to have to go backwards for a bit
40:56Yeah
40:56Do you?
40:58There's no rules down here
41:00That's what I mean there are some rules
41:01Don't graffiti
41:02It says no smoking
41:03It doesn't say no boat doughnuts
41:05You do some doughnuts when you want to do some doughnuts
41:08You know me and my boat doughnuts
41:09Get me to a big puddle in a Tesco's car park
41:15I feel like I've been to a spa
41:17Well you have, you've had a massage chair
41:19I've had a massage
41:19Some nice salty air
41:21My body's all relaxed
41:22Which is so weird
41:23You've had a row round in a beautiful lake
41:25Your heartbeat just knows
41:27Calm down
41:29You're safe
41:30The salt will hold you
41:32I'll tell you what this wasn't Sarah
41:34Stupid
41:35The person who came here and their review was
41:38I have never seen anything more stupid
41:42I've got so many questions about their life
41:44And what they have seen
41:45Yeah
41:45This is not a stupid place
41:47It's not stupid to look at
41:48No
41:49I've seen much, much more stupid things
41:51Windmills
41:52They're stupid
41:52Absolutely ridiculous things
41:54Yeah, I've seen dogs in clothes
41:56I kind of like those
41:57Well they look stupid though
41:58They don't look like
41:58Oh you can do my tax return for me
42:00I think they look a bit
42:00I think they look smart
42:02I've never wanted to sort of track down
42:04A one star review as much as this
42:05No
42:06From Edinburgh 2010
42:07The list
42:11What's happened in Transylvania
42:12Is what every tourist really wants
42:14Which is to be utterly surprised
42:15By something unexpected
42:16That you would never have at home
42:18I came to Transylvania expecting something out of a horror film
42:22Hi
42:25But even the theme park was lovely
42:28Woo
42:29And if anything, the scariest thing was how much I loved licking the salt mine
42:34Walls are salty
42:36Transylvania gets five reanimated corpses out of five
42:39Thanks for the memories
42:40There's lots to do that isn't Drackey
42:43But if you're a Drackey fan, it's great
42:45You know what?
42:46I love Drackey even more than when I arrived
42:49And I love Transylvania
42:50No matter how bonkers it got
42:51I sat my neck out
42:53I really got my teeth into it
42:55Only negative was the pervert massage chair
42:58It's doing my Jenny T's
43:00Even that wasn't all that
43:02Five Drackey's out of Drac
43:04Transylvania
43:06I've got to say
43:08It's a winner
43:08My review would be
43:10Had a great time would come again
43:12Yeah
43:13I think
43:14I could learn to talk with these teeth
43:17Let's try it
43:19Can I?
43:20Oh
43:20Yeah
43:21I don't think you do much radio
43:23Omingle
43:25Outro
43:252
43:271
43:432
43:512
43:533
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